I know I know…but I'm not a slacker

So…. I moved back home with my parents this month to write my dissertation AND its cray.

Today I got up at 6 am, had a 3 hour commute, did a 10 hour experiment, got my nails done, and hit the gym for an hour. Yea that's why I haven't posted. I'm sorry. I will do better.  I must go to sleep though because in 6.5 hours…it starts again.

Peace.

Stranger to Family to Professional Relationship

This is the story of how Dr. A became AV and transitioned back to Dr. A. Pull up a chair, grab a snack and some tissues. Its a long one.

So I guess the starts with breaking up with my ex. Well sort of. I had been admitted to a summer program at UNC and I was stoked to get in.  Undergraduate summer research paid really well and I was all about that. Despite the fact that I had no intention of getting a PhD at that point, I wanted this program bad. A fellow Hamptonian had been in it and spoke highly of the people and one particular person, Dr. A.

Around my ex's graduation from college we had a fight. Well to be specific it was after he graduated and he had this habit of getting mad at me and breaking up with me.  Then he'd call me back a few hours later and ask me what I'd learned?

Yes...you read that correctly. A grown man would blow up at me and then ask me, another grown person, what I had learned and how I was going to be a better girlfriend. I know... I know. I got a full ride to college and I still didn't know better for a long time than to allow this to happen. The re-entry of ML into my life helped me make better relationship decisions and at this point I was done.

When he asked me what I'd learned, I made sure this was the last time that would happen. My response "I've learned that I like being single and I think its a great thing for me."  I can't tell you how the rest of that conversation went but I was a free woman for the first time in 2.5 years and I loved it.

Yup...sleeping peacefully after ending that nonsense!

So I went to UNC, newly single and looking for myself really. 

What you don't know is that my ex and I weren't intellectually compatible. Y'all want to digress a little. Let me share this little nugget of complete and utter BS.  

One time, while I was with him he had an hour long conversation with me about how he was a better catch than I was because Black women with degrees are a dime a dozen but Black men weren't and since he was going to have a college degree (which I earned half of but you know...it was my contribution to Black manhood) he thought he was the prize in our relationship. Yea...he said that to my face. O________O

I made sure to reassure him that I  was still the prize. I'm the one that continues to have no student loan debt. ;-)

Digress end!

So when we had our very cross talk where we would really interface with the people running the program I was how you say "a little high on the horse." I made some statement about how some people just aren't as smart as others and you have to leave those people behind <---Now I was referring to or subtweeting, if you will, my ex but Dr. A heard that entirely differently. She basically called me out on it and when the group conversation was over I went up to her and said "How do I say that differently?"

Her response "The mark of an intelligent person is that they continue to try and get it right. You've taken the first step. Email me and make an appointment to come talk to me."

And thus a relationship was born. I met with her once a week for 2-3 hours we talked about all manner of things. And she was a hugger!  Y'all know I'm big on hugs. I was beside myself.  This woman wanted to know me!  It was the sweetest relationship but as the summer was coming to a close I knew I wanted to be mentored by this woman. At our closing ceremony I walked up to her and said something like "How would you feel about me calling you Aunt?"  She smiled warmly and pulled me into a tight hug. That...was a yes.  

The next day we had to evacuate a building because of some fire alarm and we were standing outside and something made us both laugh and no one else laughed.  That's where "They don't know us like we know us" came from.  Occasionally, I type TDKULWKU and if you see that....that means I miss her.  Because sometimes....sometimes I really really do. 

So we continued to meet. I'd drive to UNC and sit with her a spell.  Eventually this led into the whole situation with my roommate and this only drew me and AV closer. I checked in with her almost daily back at undergrad. I'd call just to say hi or remind her to get something to eat on those long days in her office. And when people let me down, she was there to tell me I was important and pretty and smart and that I cared for people deeply in a way that she had rarely seen. She saw me.

As the school year progressed we continued to flourish.  I remember one time I was driving through and wanted to sit with her and she moved a appointment with her physician to make time for me.  Yea...that was us. 

Another time I remember her saying she was dog tired and we walked down the hall with her leaning a little on me with one arm thrown over my shoulder and mine around her waist. We were close. 

And then...she got busier.  She was and continues to be phenomenal at her job and they required more of her. Much more. We weren't meeting but we still talked until one day something changed.  I didn't and don't really know what it was but it changed and she decided she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. 

Now I had told her my deepest darkest secrets and insecurities about not feeling worthy or lovable or any other thing that you'd tell someone who had accepted you and loved you unequivocally. Things I now reserve for the circle of besties only. You see she loved without reservation and I needed that. I needed a grown up to tell me I was okay. 

So when that ended lets just say it wasn't pretty. I probably cried myself to sleep for a month.  I also tried to fix it. I went to a therapist for weeks to try and figure out what had changed and why she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  Eventually the tears started to be weekly and then monthly and one day I realized I hadn't cried in a long while. 

So when this went down you can imagine there were some very angry people. Their names? ML and Sarah. 

They were LIVID!

I'd never been depressed like that before and they laid all the blame at the feet of my mentor. The funny thing about it was and is that I still love her so I could barely listen to the way they felt about her. 

I called her when I won my NSF fellowship and that was it for that year. 

The next year I started struggling in grad school. I wasn't on the "up and to the right" path most graduate students took and my advisor was worried about my ability to actually earn a PhD. He described me as cavalier.  And because I didn't know anyone else and I didn't trust anyone else and she'd told us that if we couldn't say something to anyone else to say it to her and she'd still be able to see us through our mess, I called her.

Not only was she in her office, she was available and we talked. We talked for real for the first time in years. Now she was Dr. A again and that's what I needed. We addressed my issues and she told me to keep her abreast. She said she wanted to talk to ME again! I was elated but I was also in the middle of a sticky situation in grad school so elation lasted only a few minutes.

I got through that grad school scare and then when our lab was moving to UNC I called her again. She knew about the move.  She was pleased with my progress. She wanted to catch up when we got here.

Now I've seen her a few times but she's still Dr. A. We aren't us anymore but we aren't estranged either. We've never sat down and talked like we use too.  I think I'd like to do that...one more time just to ask what happened?  Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one that misses us but then I see her face and know that somewhere inside...she does too. 

I Have An Advocate...

With the Father and with my PhD Advisor.

So check out this...well bullshit really.

So in January my graduate committee, composed of PhDs in various disciplines, told me all they needed was a publication and I could graduate.  Those in attendance basically said "hey girl....you've got it. We just need you to fulfill the graduate school requirements which say a paper is necessary."

So I've been busy collecting data and doing my thing since then.  Now we have to take it back to take it forward...you ready?

Good.

So you get your graduate committee your first or second year of graduate school and its composed of people you like and took classes with preferably (taht you also know like you) and some people your boss wants. Ideally these other people have expertise your boss doesn't have.  At UNMC in Pharmaceutical Science, the chair of your graduate committee is your PI (principal investigator).  I don't really call him that. I call him my boss because that's exactly what he is and no matter how you look at it grad school is a job more so than a school experience.

I know.....he's cute ain't he?  Don't tell him though. He just turned "Sexy 65" <- His phrase not mine!

Anyway...back on topic.  So my Dad, the Original Dr. in the family, told me initially that I didn't want women on my committee. Not one. Now the next logical question is "Why?"   Why was my father, a guy, would be telling his daughter, a girl, that women faculty were the enemy in graduate school.

Because they ARE!

They most definitely ARE!

My dad's PhD is in Counseling and Higher Education Administration.  He's one of those people that reads the Chronicles of Higher Education. He's those people. Anyway...all these studies have been done on women faculty that say
1. Women faculty are harder on female graduate students than male.
Now I know you're wondering how "harder" can be quantified.  I'll tell you.  Women faculty members, en masse, give out fewer PhDs to women than they do to men.  Their female graduate students also spend more time getting a PhD than their male counterparts.
2. Women faculty feel current female graduate students have it easy.
Historically, the women who now hold tenure had to go through a lot more hurdles as the trailblazers in a boy's club. The  adage amongst Black parents about how "You have to be twice as good to get the same recognition as your White counterparts", which rings true in many situations, also rang true for these women.  To receive their PhDs that basically had to earn two.  They also sacrificed for their science.  They gave up things....big things. Things like having kids in the pursuit of a PhD. Or if they did have a kid, they rarely saw them.  And I use kid specifically because kids plural was definitely not something they were doing.

So my Dad, in his wisdom and with his statistical backing, told me not to have any women on my committee and I endeavored to do so.

I told my boss, Sasha, that I didn't want any women on my committee. Now back in Nebraska , we had three bosses. My boss Sasha was the boss of the bosses, but directly under him were two women.  He'd worked with them for over 10 years and they were his homies.  One was like his work wife and the other he'd groomed into the scientist she was.  Now this idea about not having any women on my committee didn't sit well with Sasha. AT ALL. He told me I had to have at least one woman.

And so I picked one. She seemed harmless enough. She wasn't in my department and she was the head of the core facility for favorite research technique: Confocal microscopy.  So I  picked her and she agreed to be on my committee.

Now over the years I haven't been the best graduate student. I won a ton of money my first year of graduate school.....I mean more money than any other graduate student has ever won.  Like over 250K. Yea I know.... it's cute or whatever.

Anyway....most graduate students progress in a linear fashion.  Up and to the right.  Well I'm not that kind of graduate student. Obviously I'm at the level I need to be now but my progress was very much exponential.  I wasn't making much progress for a long time and then something clicked. I realized this was my project to make of it what I could and that's what I did.  And that's why I'm getting a PhD. BUT there were years of little to not growth.  Okay two but two ain't one so years is appropriate.  During that time my committee was meeting with me twice a year which is frequent. People usually graduate having met with their committee maybe 4-5 times. We've had 8 meetings.

Well during that time of little to no growth, my committee including my boss expressed concern that I might not be able to get a PhD in the normal time given and my boss isn't about that 7-8 years of getting a PhD life.  You get it in 5-6 or you don't. He's got 5 good years to devote to your education and if you aren't grasping what you need to be then you, my friend, will be getting a terminal masters.  And yes this does happen.  It happened to someone in my lab in my cohort this year and its just as sad as it sounds. Well, their opinion of me wasn't great and then I had that breakthrough, both in though and in data interpretation, and we were on the right track.  Now just to inform you....I wasn't lazy. I had mountains of data, but ZERO data interpretation skills. I could tell you one was bigger than the other but I had no idea why.  When I figured out the why...that's when I became a viable option for a PhD.  And when I figured out the why, probed further, made a hypothesis, tested it, and it became an actual scientific discovery in my field....THAT's when I knew I had this PhD in the bag.

And I still do.

BUT.....

That woman on my committee. Yep...she is the dissenting opinion.

You see my boss prefaced telling me this woman's thoughts with all this information about how he doesn't agree and believes in me and my abilities and all this extra.  I straight up asked him "Does she not like Black people?" because my boss isn't this guy. He doesn't get effusive about how much he likes you for no reason and since she is a woman, I can't fathom that she has so much self-loathing that she'd be sexist so I figured the only option was that she was in fact a racist.

But no.  That's not her problem.  Her problem is that she doesn't see the growth.  She doesn't think I've done enough to get a PhD. She recommended based on my "skimpy" data that I receive a Masters.

Yup. A Masters.

Where my committee at large, also known as my Big 3, told me way back in January at a meeting she didn't attend, that my PhD was mine to have.

She alone is the dissenting opinion and my boss is mounting up an army. A literal one. He's flying people to my defense but he also sent her a letter.  I haven't seen it but I did help him write all my committee meeting minutes and those show the journey of how I went from a Bachelor's to a PhD in 5 years.  You see... I have an advocate with the Father AND with my PhD Adivisor.

Things I Know For Sure: 27th Birthday Edition

I know for sure that I'm happy to see 27 and that certain people made that possible. I'm eternally grateful for that.

I know for sure that giving feels just as good as getting… and sometimes better.

I know for sure that being honest makes space for understanding.

I know for sure that miscommunication causes pain and I strive to be an effective communicator every day.

I know for sure that sometimes loving someone else can help you love yourself.

I'd be embarrassed...

I have had a couple of interesting conversations with older people (read: my parents' generation and up).  They are sooo very very interesting. Yes….lets go with interesting.


Scenario #1
So I'm talking to an older gentleman and he asks me about the "freaks" in Atlanta. I was like the who?

"Freaks…. you know the lesbians."

Really?

So its normal when you like women but its freaky when women like women?  You get that that makes no sense right. Like none. Full stop. 

Scenario #2

An older gentleman says "so are you girlfriend and girlfriend or boyfriend and girlfriend?"

So to be clear this question was still posed to a girl about her and another girl.  That's two girls. Now…..tell me how two girls can be girlfriend and boyfriend?  Just tell me. I'll wait. 

Scenario #3

An older lady says "I just don't see why I'd want to be with another woman. How is that even pleasurable?"

Ma'am…..no one is asking you to see that. You clearly don't want that in your life and that's fine. You don't have to see why anything. And how is it pleasurable? To be honest, that's not your business if its not a part of your life. No body is explaining to you why or how or what or when they do whatever they do with whoever they choose to do it with.  Have several seats.

Scenario #4

And older gentleman says "Make sure you keep your draws on around all those lesbians."

Sir…lesbians aren't predatory. They don't stalk after people and then force their way into these peoples' lives and beds. They're just like you actually…they're people that like women for their lifetime partnerships. Stop this foolishness.

Scenario #5

I said "You know if I was dating a home owning physician who happened to be female, I wouldn't be embarrassed. I'd be proud to be with her and proud of her." 

Response from older person "Well I'd be embarrassed."

My response "Well that's tough for you!"

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! Most people would be running laps around the sanctuary if I found a home owning physician that was a man but simply because that person is a woman you go from praise dance to embarrassed?!?! Miss me with all of that nonsense. 

WE AREN'T ACCEPTING BIGOTRY HERE! 

Y'all catch my drift! These older folks have no idea about anything concerning the gay community or gay people. They are random AND highly mis-informed.  No one needs you to understand anything but that these are your fellow human beings and fellow Americans and they deserve the same protections under the law that you enjoy.

Full stop.

My Actual Birthday

When I went to China I bought what I call my birthday silk.  

Now I know you're wondering why I call it that. Well I only wear it on and around my birthday BECAUSE real silk is hard to clean.  To be honest its not that difficult to wash but its a pain. So to wash it you have to of course hand wash it with Wool-ite in cold water and rinse that out.  Then you have to lay it out flat on top of a big bath sheet and roll it up.  Yes roll.  Then the next day you have to iron the silk dry.

And not with any old iron. I've got a Rowenta specifically for this purpose.  Yup….I have an $80 iron.

So anyway… this is why I don't wear my silk often. Its a pain.

BUT and its a HUGE but….

Its literally the most comfortable thing to wear.  Picture this:

A fan blowing across your back making the silk dance across your skin at a cool 72F!

Its everything. 

So that's how I spent my birthday.  The next day I stayed in bed in said silk and read fan fiction and watched TV.  That morning I got up and made grits from scratch and I didn't see a single solitary soul.

Yup…I spent my birthday blissfully alone and lost in an alternate universe. 

I also got me some presents!!!!!!  Wanna see?

My brand new selection of Euro Shams and King Shams and yes…I needed every last one of them!

Y'all know my pillow situation with my bed is on 1,000 so of course a sale on bedding means I'm buying. King shams are hard to come by and these I got at the Dillard's Clearance Center for a bossy 13.48/pair. Yes that's less than $14 for a PAIR of king shams.

I got two pairs of king shams and one pair of Euros.

Next up….

Its my new favorite thing to do my own nails so I gotta keep the colors fresh!

An assortment of other clothes, pajamas, and bath goodies!

And last but not least

Always….

The ring game stays on the continuous upgrade.

My new middle finger rings….and yes I'm completely stoked about them!

We went to Dame's Chicken and Waffles and it was bossy as hell!  They messed up my order so I got an additional waffle for FREE that I took home and ate the next day. It was very very blessed.

All in all….this was a very good birthday. I maximized my alone time and spent time with my family. I did what I love and loved what I did.

Tomorrow…me and ML are going white water rafting. Pray for us. She has to work Monday and we're seeing the Queen on Tuesday at the GA Dome so we need to have it together and in working order.

Orange is the New Black…Watching with the 50+ crowd

LAWD JESUS!!!!!

So I love Orange is the New Black.  I think the show is freaking phenomenal. The writing, the character development, the acting, the casting: Orange gets it right so often!  So naturally, being the TV buff that I am I wanted to share the show with others and by others I mean people who still rave about how good OZ on HBO was.  

So clearly they're older than me.  

Much older…like 50+.  Now I'm so use to so many things.  I'm young….I've been in all kinds of activities all my life with all types of people. I grew up knowing gay classmates and opening transgendered individuals.  I'm willing to accept almost anything unless its illegal AND morally bankrupt.  Obviously there are lots of things I failed to remember would be jarring to watch with people my parents age.  

LOTS!

When watching Orange with people my age they're like

Prison: Yes

Women: Yes

Comedy: Yes

Drama: Yes

Women of Color: Yes

Lesbians: Yes

Sexually Explicit Scenes: Yes

The 50+ crowd around me is like

Prison: Yes

Women: Yes

Comedy: Yes

Drama: Yes

Women of Color: Yes

Lesbians: NO…..HELL NO…ABSOLUTELY NOT! What's the point? I don't get it!

 How can that even be pleasurable? It doesn't make sense!

 I'm looking away if they starting kissing!

 They're doing more than kiss?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYY???????

Sexually Explicit Scenes: Yes….unless lesbians then NO! 

Hell NO! 

How is that even... just NO!

YALL!!!! I wasn't ready. I wasn't remotely prepared for how these older folks would act about Orange.  Now don't get me wrong…they love the show they just don't understand this basic element about Alex and Piper and about homosexuality in general: 

Love is Love. 

They'll say "I just can't get over the fact that that's two girls kissing!"

I just don't see anything you need to get over personally but okay. And I'd like to point out that if anyone has to kiss Piper shouldn't it objectively be the hotter of the two for ratings and such….I mean are we seriously comparing

to

I mean seriously?

No….

Okay lets try again

          or          

COME THE HELL ON!

You know Alex is head and shoulders above Larry.

To take a page from Piper "I like hot people" Chapman:  Jason Biggs is cute and Laura Prepon is hot. 

Or even worse the oldies have this to say when Piper is with Larry ---> "At least its a boy and a girl!" to which I reply 

SHE DON'T EVEN LOVE HIM! Not like she loves Alex!

YOU CANNOT SERIOUSLY BE ROOTING FOR THAT BECAUSE HETEROSEXUALITY?!?!?!?!

 (Yes I forget grammar in these situations cause girl what?)

Stay pressed old people…but don't let the press keep you from brilliant television cause its your loss.

Oh…and your issues with homosexual displays of affection aren't my business. 

Don't be shocked when I'm not shocked. 

They love each other. 

That includes sex where I'm from. <--- "And that's a tip from me to you" Warren of OITNB

18 Days of Birthday

Happy Birthday to me!  Its the 4th day of my birthday!

So....I celebrate my birthday for 18 days. Why?

Well many years ago I attended the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine at UCLA and I was in LA for my birthday.  It was actually my 16th and a few days later I celebrated it at the Community House in my home town.  What's a community house?  Basically is a location that costs $50 to rent and if you don't break anything you get your money back!  Its a sweet deal that only exists in places like where I'm from...left of the somewhere.

Anyways....on the 16th of July I had my party and the multi-day celebrating of my birth was born.

Nowadays, I build my birthday like a mountain. The pinnacle is the 9th...my actual birthday but I build it up.  I start small with little things I love the first few days then it gets bigger and bigger. I also leisurely come back down from the high of my own birth over a few days as well.

This year....its not quite like that but its going to be good. I had to shift the pinnacle slightly because of scheduling but I'm excited! I'm pretty sure there will be some white water rafting, movie going, incredible food eating, and quality time spending with my #1 girl.

And also…. BEYONCE! Yes…the Queen! We're going to see her July 15th in the Georgia Dome!

Today….I had a warm chocolate chip cookie, went out to lunch with a friend, got a dress to wear during my ATL birthday trip, let Sabs kick my ass at the gym, had a heartfelt conversation with a bestie, laughed with a college roommate, talked to ML, ate chocolate fudge brownie ice cream, AND watched my mom watch two episodes of OITNB.  Today was long but good. Very good for 3 days into my birthday.