We span a decade and in 4 years we'll hold 5 Bachelors degrees and 3 Doctorates.
I think Granddaddy would be pleased.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
What I Know for Sure #10
I know for sure that I love differently.
I know for sure that nothing worth having comes easily.
I know for sure that pillows, mountains of them, can soothe the soul.
I know for sure that nothing worth having comes easily.
I know for sure that pillows, mountains of them, can soothe the soul.
Bobbi Michelle
I'd like to introduce you to the newest love in my sister's life.
Bobbi Michelle.
Bobbi Michelle.
Signing her life
away!
Somebody's geeked!
Look at the come up in action!
Peanut
Butter
Interior
In the back soaking up the luxury!
Looking like an owner.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
I should do what?
So I'm sitting in the office of one of my coworkers going over this paper I'm going to publish and we somehow get around to the subject of babies.
Love
Them.
And you know what the difference between these babies is.
Nothing.
Both were wanted and loved.
BUT my coworker decided she didn't see it this way.
I know what you're thinking….you're on the right track.
So I said that my bestie from church had a baby and I'd previously said that our families wanted us to date each other. That was a no go. But I love him and his baby is DUMB cute. That pic is from 4 days old but now
She's a doll!
So I was talking about how this baby makes my ovaries hurt at church every Sunday and she was like
"Oh so he married someone else?"
Ummmmm no. He wanted a baby so he had one. <--- My perfectly legit response and his perfectly legit reasoning.
My bestie is 27 years old and he works very hard to provide for his daughter. There is no reason why he shouldn't or can't have a baby if he wants to.
Then she says this
This ignorant ass shit <---Language because I am about to go….there!
She said "You should marry a white person because white people don't do things like that."
EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!?!??!!
Do things like what? Have babies they really want? Have babies outside of marriage? Are you kidding me? You have got to be outside your mind!
I.
Was.
HOT.
Send the degrees required to liquify nitrogen gas in the opposite direction of that zero and that's where I was!
And I was stunned.
My first response was "I don't think my dad would very much like that" because that's all I could think of.
I'm a Barack Obama supporting, liberal Democrat voting, HBCU degree holding Black woman and damn proud to be all of that. I am also a woman who wants to work at a public hospital despite these multiple doctorates I'll eventually hold because Black people are MY PEOPLE and they are disproportionately affected by poverty and lack of access!
My dream job….Grady. NOT UNC-Chapel Hill or Wake. Grady…where I can help people that look just like me.
You don't know me.
There is no reason for you to assume this is appropriate to say to me or ANY Black person. I am, in fact, open to dating a variety of people but that doesn't mean that I will discredit or discount or NOT count my Black men among the number.
They're my men. Men of my community, and your Eurocentric viewpoint may not allow you to see how him choosing to have a baby makes sense but it makes sense to me.
You may not see how 400 years of slavery and the systematic destruction of the Black family affect Black people every day but I do.
You may not see how he is just as involved as LP's dad despite not being married to his daughter's mother, but I do.
You don't know that this friend lost his father basically before he could remember him and maybe he'd like to be a Dad.
You don't know him.
You don't know me.
You don't know my lived experience.
You don't know the Black experience.
And you should keep your mouth off of all of it!
Have several seats.
I quite literally had to circle back around like 5 minutes later to say
"You probably shouldn't tell Black people that they shouldn't marry within their race. That's a racist statement even though I know you aren't racist."
Her response: "With all due respect, you're the only Black person I know."
Well at least she won't accost another Black person with this and get laid out for it!
Monday, August 18, 2014
The Contract Between the Governed and the Government
6 shots. 6.
6 times a gun was fired at the body of a child in broad daylight. That child then laid in the street for hours in full view of the community. This wasn't by mistake but by design. This was a lynching sans tree.
The witness accounts are true.
His mother asked "How did he die?"
Dr. Baden: Fatal shot to the head.
His mother asked "Was he in pain?"
Dr. Baden: He did not suffer.
Mike Brown's mother's final question: "What else do we need to give them to arrest the killer of my child?"
Lack of transparency is the biggest issue in the situation for me. If the information on Mike's murder had been available sooner it would have calmed the community at large and squelched the family's concerns that a coverup may be taking place. At this point its clear that something unsavory is happening. The fatal gun shot wound was known the night of the murder. Additionally, whether or not Mike was in pain was also knowable from day one based on the injuries to his body. The issue here is that this information wasn't released.
Democracy is a contract. This contract is between the Governed and those that the people agree to put into authority over themselves. The Democracy contract requires transparency. The people need to know what the Government is doing because the Government works for the people. The Democratic model is "of the people for the people." Without the people, there is no government. Without transparency there can be no trust.
There is no scientific reason for why 95% of the autopsy findings weren't immediately available.
How Mike died was available the night he died.
The cause of death was the 6th shot. Mike could have survived all the gun shots inflicted on him except the shot to the head. Mike didn't have to die.
When asked why the officer hadn't been arrested Dr Baden replied "Who gets arrested is a political question not a forensic science question."
Now let's talk about some context.
Historically, Black people have been aggressively policed by law enforcement. The idea that Black and Brown bodies are inherently criminal is deeply rooted in the systematic oppression of minority groups that has plagued the supposedly free democracy that is the American Experiment. This aggressive policing includes a presence that is always adversarial in nature and assumes that the Black body has committed, is going to commit, or is currently committing some offense against the state. Because the state has always, until the election of President Obama, been controlled by White men and largely still is the state is actually representative of White men. The creation of this Nation was for White men and offenses against the state can be perceived as offenses against Whiteness. Despite the continued desire to erase the effects of White patriarchal capitalist oppression as the culprit for the nation's ills, the fact remains that this system is alive and well.
As a result of aggressive policing, Black people are not generally in interested in engaging police. Black people don't approach police officers. Black boys are socialized at a young age that the Police are dangerous, not to be trusted, and that their job of "protecting and serving" doesn't extend to them. Black boys are told by their Black fathers how to NOT get shot by the Police. Black boys are taught how NOT to be perceived as aggressive, argumentative, rude, or threatening. The mere idea that a Black boy was aggressive towards a police officer AND tried to take the officer's gun is contrary to the historical precedent. This just isn't the behavior of a Black boy.
The autopsy showed that he was shot in the apex of the head. This means that at 6 feet 4 inches tall, he had to have been kneeling in some sort of position to surrender as was also stated by eye witnesses. The only way someone can be shot from the top of their head with the trajectory of the bullet traveling down is that they are lower than the position of the gun. Additionally, there was no gun powder residue on the skin indicating that the gun was a minimum 2 feet away from Mike Brown's head. For Mike Brown to have been shot in the head from above while standing, Officer Wilson had to have been extraordinarily tall OR Mike Brown had to have been kneeling as the eye witnesses said. Even in military operations, a surrendering individual is taken into custody. We do not summarily execute people who are surrendering. For Americans, we insure due process through the 5th and 14th Amendments to the Constitution. We ALSO do not execute someone for something that isn't a capitol crime.
If Timothy McVay wasn't executed until he was tried and appealed his conviction after killing over 100 people in Oklahoma, tell me why Mike Brown wasn't given the same consideration?
6 times a gun was fired at the body of a child in broad daylight. That child then laid in the street for hours in full view of the community. This wasn't by mistake but by design. This was a lynching sans tree.
The witness accounts are true.
His mother asked "How did he die?"
Dr. Baden: Fatal shot to the head.
His mother asked "Was he in pain?"
Dr. Baden: He did not suffer.
Mike Brown's mother's final question: "What else do we need to give them to arrest the killer of my child?"
Lack of transparency is the biggest issue in the situation for me. If the information on Mike's murder had been available sooner it would have calmed the community at large and squelched the family's concerns that a coverup may be taking place. At this point its clear that something unsavory is happening. The fatal gun shot wound was known the night of the murder. Additionally, whether or not Mike was in pain was also knowable from day one based on the injuries to his body. The issue here is that this information wasn't released.
Democracy is a contract. This contract is between the Governed and those that the people agree to put into authority over themselves. The Democracy contract requires transparency. The people need to know what the Government is doing because the Government works for the people. The Democratic model is "of the people for the people." Without the people, there is no government. Without transparency there can be no trust.
There is no scientific reason for why 95% of the autopsy findings weren't immediately available.
How Mike died was available the night he died.
When asked why the officer hadn't been arrested Dr Baden replied "Who gets arrested is a political question not a forensic science question."
Now let's talk about some context.
Historically, Black people have been aggressively policed by law enforcement. The idea that Black and Brown bodies are inherently criminal is deeply rooted in the systematic oppression of minority groups that has plagued the supposedly free democracy that is the American Experiment. This aggressive policing includes a presence that is always adversarial in nature and assumes that the Black body has committed, is going to commit, or is currently committing some offense against the state. Because the state has always, until the election of President Obama, been controlled by White men and largely still is the state is actually representative of White men. The creation of this Nation was for White men and offenses against the state can be perceived as offenses against Whiteness. Despite the continued desire to erase the effects of White patriarchal capitalist oppression as the culprit for the nation's ills, the fact remains that this system is alive and well.
As a result of aggressive policing, Black people are not generally in interested in engaging police. Black people don't approach police officers. Black boys are socialized at a young age that the Police are dangerous, not to be trusted, and that their job of "protecting and serving" doesn't extend to them. Black boys are told by their Black fathers how to NOT get shot by the Police. Black boys are taught how NOT to be perceived as aggressive, argumentative, rude, or threatening. The mere idea that a Black boy was aggressive towards a police officer AND tried to take the officer's gun is contrary to the historical precedent. This just isn't the behavior of a Black boy.
The autopsy showed that he was shot in the apex of the head. This means that at 6 feet 4 inches tall, he had to have been kneeling in some sort of position to surrender as was also stated by eye witnesses. The only way someone can be shot from the top of their head with the trajectory of the bullet traveling down is that they are lower than the position of the gun. Additionally, there was no gun powder residue on the skin indicating that the gun was a minimum 2 feet away from Mike Brown's head. For Mike Brown to have been shot in the head from above while standing, Officer Wilson had to have been extraordinarily tall OR Mike Brown had to have been kneeling as the eye witnesses said. Even in military operations, a surrendering individual is taken into custody. We do not summarily execute people who are surrendering. For Americans, we insure due process through the 5th and 14th Amendments to the Constitution. We ALSO do not execute someone for something that isn't a capitol crime.
If Timothy McVay wasn't executed until he was tried and appealed his conviction after killing over 100 people in Oklahoma, tell me why Mike Brown wasn't given the same consideration?
Friday, August 15, 2014
Lord, I'm weary....
This week has been the living worst. I'm writing the post while waiting for a live video feed from Mike Brown's family's press event to start. I'm waiting to hear from the attorneys a family felt they had to hire to get justice for their son.
Mike Brown was murdered.
In
Cold
Blood.
That is the bottom line of all of this. It doesn't matter what he may or may not have done. Nothing he could have done was a capitol crime thus he should NOT have lost his life.
I'm entirely and completely over this week.
Additionally, a father of 6 was murdered by the NYPD, the LAPD murdered a disabled Black man, and the NOPD killed someone too.
This week needs to end.
Mike Brown was murdered.
In
Cold
Blood.
That is the bottom line of all of this. It doesn't matter what he may or may not have done. Nothing he could have done was a capitol crime thus he should NOT have lost his life.
I'm entirely and completely over this week.
Additionally, a father of 6 was murdered by the NYPD, the LAPD murdered a disabled Black man, and the NOPD killed someone too.
This week needs to end.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Risk
I always say I'm not a risk taker.
I'm not.
or maybe I am. I'll let you decide.
I wanted someone. I wanted them to be more to me, more in my life. I wanted to love them and be loved in return. Not in the way I'm so skilled at: platonically. You see everyone wants to be my friend. Well not everyone, but the people who are friends with me enjoy being in relationship with me. I know they do. They tell me so. :-) I've had the same friends since middle school so I know I'm a good friend. I also know that when I've needed them, they've been there and I've been there when they needed me. I've got the friendship thing down.
But I wanted them to be my partner. Now this is rare. I don't generally like people, or rather I don't ever pursue anyone I do like. To be honest, I don't really even let myself like people too intensely because its never a good outcome. I don't have the best track record when it comes to people I actually like. All my past relationships started because someone liked me in a more than friendly way. I've never been in relationship with someone I truly liked on my end. I generally agree to date someone because they like me. Why? Well because people I like don't like me back, well at least not in a romantic way. Sometimes I think I'm just not the kind of person that people like romantically. Friendship is my strong suit and usually I stick to it. I'm not a risk taker remember? I stay in my lane and my lane is friendship. But not this time...
I wanted to be as close to this person as possible but they weren't dating. Or at least that's what I had been told. By them. They said "not happening with anyone!" And so I was as close to them as possible without crossing any lines. I demonstrated my love for them in extraordinary ways because friendship was all we could have. We were friends outwardly but in my heart, I loved them.
Deeply.
Pervasively.
In a way that made me nervous when they called and giddy when they texted.
Yea….it was like that.
And just so you know, I'm a flirt when I like someone. A big one. And I flirted big time. Now the cautious person in me never admitted that this flirting wasn't just for fun but let's just say I can't see how anyone could have seen it in any other light. There are just things you don't say for fun no matter what I say my motivation is or was.
I also thought this was safe. All of this play…all of these blurred lines were safe. Why? Because no one was dating. No one was even open to dating, so what was the point of having an overt conversation about how I'd like to move in that direction? None in my opinion.
I'd have dropped everything, within reason, to do whatever they asked. Now I'm the same in all my relationships, platonic or romantic, and its motivated out of love, duty, and devotion. The percentages of each of those were different for this person as opposed to friends. This wasn't that.
And so…time passed. They grew in my heart and my mind. My main love language is giving gifts and so I did that. My AMEX got plenty of exercise ;-)
The best parts of me…I gave.
The vulnerable parts…I exposed.
The broken parts….I talked about.
Hindsight is 20/20. I now see what I did was risky. This was a risky move. Loving someone who wasn't loving you in the same way? Risk-y. Never communicating clearly what I was feeling was also risky but then again, they weren't interested in relationships so why bring it up? I thought at the time that it was far riskier to say I wanted more when they'd clearly said they didn't want that with anyone than to remain silent. I'd be told straight up "not happening!" In the moment, nothing was risky….and then everything was.
So as time passed, unbeknownst to me, they started dating.
Dating in secret.
Dating someone who I thought was their friend.
I know for a fact that at some point I asked directing "Are you still single?" and got the response of "yes, why wouldn't I be?"
And I let my suspicions die with that response.
But that response…that was a lie.
And now I'm in a space I've never been in before. The space after someone you love has lied to you. Normally, I'd have ended this relationship but its much more complicated than that. This person is a part of my life. There is no escaping them even if I wanted to, and I don't want to, but I also don't want to watch. I don't want to see someone else having what I wanted with them. That's a special kind of torture I'm not open to. Sometimes, loving them hurts. Sometimes, its war.
You see, eventually they admitted to being in a relationship. A real one.
And to be honest, figuring out how I feel is a struggle. On one hand, someone I love lied to me. They didn't believe I deserved the truth. That's big for me because trust matters.
Trust fucking matters to me. And if you don't trust me, why are you in relationship with me at all?
Another huge factor in all my relationships is safety. I crave it. Emotional safety isn't something you find everywhere or in every relationship and now I feel like I'm completely exposed and they've got all their clothes on. That's not fair. That's also not safe for me. You see all my weak spots and even if your intention today isn't to hurt or maim me emotionally, you now know how you could.
I'd like to point out that they never mentioned that their "not happening" in the dating/relationship department had changed. I was given zero notification of this change.
But you know what wells up the most for me the most often? The fact that I feel like I'm not good enough.
Now I realize that the heart wants what the heart wants, but what my heart wants never wants me back. I know that none of this was meant to hurt me. I know that my being kept in the dark wasn't intentionally malicious, but that doesn't change that fact that it hurts.
On good days I don't think about these questions I'm about to pose, but on some days they are at the forefront of my thoughts.
On some days its hard for me not to see this as….
"What can't I do for you that you want?"
"Why am I not good enough for you?"
"What am I lacking that makes you not want to be in a relationship with me?"'
"Why am I never good enough?"
"Who do I have to be to have reciprocity in romance?"
"Will anyone ever want to be more than friends with me?"
"Will the most intimate relationship I ever have be with the children I have by myself?"
"Why doesn't anyone want more with me?"
"Am I not worthy of romantic love?"
"Why don't other people see me as a possibility for a life partner?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why isn't my best ever good enough?"
"Will I ever have true companionship?"
"Why don't I "do it" for anyone?"
"Am I not worth the lifetime investment?"
"Why doesn't anyone's heart flutter for me?"
"Why am I not good enough?"
You see rejection is tough. Its even tougher when you're the person that never gets to pick. I've been picked but picking isn't something I ever get to do. And maybe…I'd like to be with someone I actually liked from jump.
Maybe I'd like not to have to be won over over time while in a relationship with a person to finding this person romantically appealing.
Maybe I'd like to see them that way from the start.
But alas, this is not my lot in life. I am the rarely picked and when picked, picked by someone I like platonically.
I'm not the picker.
You know how Jesus sometimes knows better for you than you know for yourself? He did that for me with this. Let me explain.
I'm an emotional creature. Very sensitive. Very emotional. Emotionally labile is a term I've heard used and it applies to me.
Everything in my life is affected by my emotions, and by everything I mean my schoolwork. I am after all a professional student so my life is schoolwork. When I was in undergrad, I had a particularly rough semester with my ex and my grades suffered. You see my day-to-day ability to function is tied to stability in my emotional landscape. My ex didn't provide that. He was often the cause of my unrest and thus has been nicknamed "the $25,000 mistake" by my first mentor. To this day she doesn't like my ex.
Like many of my undergrad friends, this person would have been much closer proximity wise to me had I attended medical school this fall. They'd have become a part of my eye space and that would have been a problem.
An emotional one.
A potentially struggling in medical school type problem.
Not because I can't do the work academically, but because I can't do the work emotionally.
Honestly, being single is the best situation for me to function in academically. Its safe.
It means that these papers will get written, these notes will be reviewed, and this dissertation will continue to get worked on.
Singleness = productivity because it also equals emotional stability. No one can get close enough to me to knock me off my academic game if I don't entertain romance. And thus I don't. But I was entertaining romance and if I had been an M1 this year…lets just say "I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me" and seeing that wouldn't have let me see my textbooks. And that, my friends, is not a win.
Jesus literally fixed that situation for me. I couldn't and didn't see it in the moment but this hindsight is something. I'll probably actually become an OB/GYN because I didn't go to medical school and struggle this year.
You know how they say the struggle is real? The struggle would have been earth shattering because I would have needed to write my dissertation, publish a completely novel research project that goes against understood dogma, and do well in class. Those three things coupled with emotional devastation and the feelings of not being good enough that overtake my consciousness would have been the definition of a disaster.
You see I'm a jealous person.
I know it. I own it.
I'm also possessive.
I love being the closest friend people have. I love being a confidante and a shoulder to cry on. I work really hard at it. I work really hard to be a person who is seen in this light.
And knowing that someone else is closer to you than I am…that fucks with me. I definitely don't want to watch. Who wants to watch someone they want to be in relationship with be in a relationship with someone else? I don't.
I don't know if I'll ever feel like what I have to offer them is enough. It wasn't enough for them to want to be with me.
My best is always insufficient in romance.
Not only am I jealous and possessive but I'm also kind and gentle and nurturing and easily hurt. I'm the kind of person that commits. I've only ended romantic relationships with people because they were cheating or because they were abusive and in both situations I gave them ample time to do better. I was in the abusive situation for over a year before I finally said enough was enough.
I believe in commitment. I believe loyalty is worth something.
So yes, I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere. But I have learned some things.
1. Say what you mean. The level of risk assumed when you say what you want upfront and are told no is less than if you keep silent and find out later that the answer is still no. You won't be as invested or hurt by the no.
2. Don't do anything for anyone that you would resent having done if the situation doesn't become what you want it to be. Thankfully, this lesson was simply reiterated as I learned it the last go round but it bears repeating! I'm very proud to say I didn't do this this time!
3. Don't assume.
4. Don't believe everything someone says. "Not happening" can become an "oh actually its very much happening and not with you." People don't intend to lie or set out to, but they do, they have, and they might in the future.
On the other hand, I sincerely hope that what they've decided to do works for them. It wouldn't work for me but I'm not in it. We're still friends. We're always going to be friends. And as your friend, I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy.
I don't want you to get hurt…and because the person you picked isn't me, I can't guarantee that they won't hurt you.
But if they do….I'll still be here. My love, my devotion, and my sense of duty remain. The proportions have changed but they're all still accounted for.
I may not be the person you picked or the person anyone ever picks, but I'm still exactly who I was.
I love you.
I'll always be here.
I'm not.
or maybe I am. I'll let you decide.
I wanted someone. I wanted them to be more to me, more in my life. I wanted to love them and be loved in return. Not in the way I'm so skilled at: platonically. You see everyone wants to be my friend. Well not everyone, but the people who are friends with me enjoy being in relationship with me. I know they do. They tell me so. :-) I've had the same friends since middle school so I know I'm a good friend. I also know that when I've needed them, they've been there and I've been there when they needed me. I've got the friendship thing down.
But I wanted them to be my partner. Now this is rare. I don't generally like people, or rather I don't ever pursue anyone I do like. To be honest, I don't really even let myself like people too intensely because its never a good outcome. I don't have the best track record when it comes to people I actually like. All my past relationships started because someone liked me in a more than friendly way. I've never been in relationship with someone I truly liked on my end. I generally agree to date someone because they like me. Why? Well because people I like don't like me back, well at least not in a romantic way. Sometimes I think I'm just not the kind of person that people like romantically. Friendship is my strong suit and usually I stick to it. I'm not a risk taker remember? I stay in my lane and my lane is friendship. But not this time...
I wanted to be as close to this person as possible but they weren't dating. Or at least that's what I had been told. By them. They said "not happening with anyone!" And so I was as close to them as possible without crossing any lines. I demonstrated my love for them in extraordinary ways because friendship was all we could have. We were friends outwardly but in my heart, I loved them.
Deeply.
Pervasively.
In a way that made me nervous when they called and giddy when they texted.
Yea….it was like that.
And just so you know, I'm a flirt when I like someone. A big one. And I flirted big time. Now the cautious person in me never admitted that this flirting wasn't just for fun but let's just say I can't see how anyone could have seen it in any other light. There are just things you don't say for fun no matter what I say my motivation is or was.
I also thought this was safe. All of this play…all of these blurred lines were safe. Why? Because no one was dating. No one was even open to dating, so what was the point of having an overt conversation about how I'd like to move in that direction? None in my opinion.
I'd have dropped everything, within reason, to do whatever they asked. Now I'm the same in all my relationships, platonic or romantic, and its motivated out of love, duty, and devotion. The percentages of each of those were different for this person as opposed to friends. This wasn't that.
And so…time passed. They grew in my heart and my mind. My main love language is giving gifts and so I did that. My AMEX got plenty of exercise ;-)
The best parts of me…I gave.
The vulnerable parts…I exposed.
The broken parts….I talked about.
Hindsight is 20/20. I now see what I did was risky. This was a risky move. Loving someone who wasn't loving you in the same way? Risk-y. Never communicating clearly what I was feeling was also risky but then again, they weren't interested in relationships so why bring it up? I thought at the time that it was far riskier to say I wanted more when they'd clearly said they didn't want that with anyone than to remain silent. I'd be told straight up "not happening!" In the moment, nothing was risky….and then everything was.
So as time passed, unbeknownst to me, they started dating.
Dating in secret.
Dating someone who I thought was their friend.
I know for a fact that at some point I asked directing "Are you still single?" and got the response of "yes, why wouldn't I be?"
And I let my suspicions die with that response.
But that response…that was a lie.
And now I'm in a space I've never been in before. The space after someone you love has lied to you. Normally, I'd have ended this relationship but its much more complicated than that. This person is a part of my life. There is no escaping them even if I wanted to, and I don't want to, but I also don't want to watch. I don't want to see someone else having what I wanted with them. That's a special kind of torture I'm not open to. Sometimes, loving them hurts. Sometimes, its war.
You see, eventually they admitted to being in a relationship. A real one.
And to be honest, figuring out how I feel is a struggle. On one hand, someone I love lied to me. They didn't believe I deserved the truth. That's big for me because trust matters.
Trust fucking matters to me. And if you don't trust me, why are you in relationship with me at all?
Another huge factor in all my relationships is safety. I crave it. Emotional safety isn't something you find everywhere or in every relationship and now I feel like I'm completely exposed and they've got all their clothes on. That's not fair. That's also not safe for me. You see all my weak spots and even if your intention today isn't to hurt or maim me emotionally, you now know how you could.
I'd like to point out that they never mentioned that their "not happening" in the dating/relationship department had changed. I was given zero notification of this change.
But you know what wells up the most for me the most often? The fact that I feel like I'm not good enough.
Now I realize that the heart wants what the heart wants, but what my heart wants never wants me back. I know that none of this was meant to hurt me. I know that my being kept in the dark wasn't intentionally malicious, but that doesn't change that fact that it hurts.
On good days I don't think about these questions I'm about to pose, but on some days they are at the forefront of my thoughts.
On some days its hard for me not to see this as….
"What can't I do for you that you want?"
"Why am I not good enough for you?"
"What am I lacking that makes you not want to be in a relationship with me?"'
"Why am I never good enough?"
"Who do I have to be to have reciprocity in romance?"
"Will anyone ever want to be more than friends with me?"
"Will the most intimate relationship I ever have be with the children I have by myself?"
"Why doesn't anyone want more with me?"
"Am I not worthy of romantic love?"
"Why don't other people see me as a possibility for a life partner?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why isn't my best ever good enough?"
"Will I ever have true companionship?"
"Why don't I "do it" for anyone?"
"Am I not worth the lifetime investment?"
"Why doesn't anyone's heart flutter for me?"
"Why am I not good enough?"
You see rejection is tough. Its even tougher when you're the person that never gets to pick. I've been picked but picking isn't something I ever get to do. And maybe…I'd like to be with someone I actually liked from jump.
Maybe I'd like not to have to be won over over time while in a relationship with a person to finding this person romantically appealing.
Maybe I'd like to see them that way from the start.
But alas, this is not my lot in life. I am the rarely picked and when picked, picked by someone I like platonically.
I'm not the picker.
You know how Jesus sometimes knows better for you than you know for yourself? He did that for me with this. Let me explain.
I'm an emotional creature. Very sensitive. Very emotional. Emotionally labile is a term I've heard used and it applies to me.
Everything in my life is affected by my emotions, and by everything I mean my schoolwork. I am after all a professional student so my life is schoolwork. When I was in undergrad, I had a particularly rough semester with my ex and my grades suffered. You see my day-to-day ability to function is tied to stability in my emotional landscape. My ex didn't provide that. He was often the cause of my unrest and thus has been nicknamed "the $25,000 mistake" by my first mentor. To this day she doesn't like my ex.
Like many of my undergrad friends, this person would have been much closer proximity wise to me had I attended medical school this fall. They'd have become a part of my eye space and that would have been a problem.
An emotional one.
A potentially struggling in medical school type problem.
Not because I can't do the work academically, but because I can't do the work emotionally.
Honestly, being single is the best situation for me to function in academically. Its safe.
It means that these papers will get written, these notes will be reviewed, and this dissertation will continue to get worked on.
Singleness = productivity because it also equals emotional stability. No one can get close enough to me to knock me off my academic game if I don't entertain romance. And thus I don't. But I was entertaining romance and if I had been an M1 this year…lets just say "I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me" and seeing that wouldn't have let me see my textbooks. And that, my friends, is not a win.
Jesus literally fixed that situation for me. I couldn't and didn't see it in the moment but this hindsight is something. I'll probably actually become an OB/GYN because I didn't go to medical school and struggle this year.
You know how they say the struggle is real? The struggle would have been earth shattering because I would have needed to write my dissertation, publish a completely novel research project that goes against understood dogma, and do well in class. Those three things coupled with emotional devastation and the feelings of not being good enough that overtake my consciousness would have been the definition of a disaster.
You see I'm a jealous person.
I know it. I own it.
I'm also possessive.
I love being the closest friend people have. I love being a confidante and a shoulder to cry on. I work really hard at it. I work really hard to be a person who is seen in this light.
And knowing that someone else is closer to you than I am…that fucks with me. I definitely don't want to watch. Who wants to watch someone they want to be in relationship with be in a relationship with someone else? I don't.
I don't know if I'll ever feel like what I have to offer them is enough. It wasn't enough for them to want to be with me.
My best is always insufficient in romance.
Not only am I jealous and possessive but I'm also kind and gentle and nurturing and easily hurt. I'm the kind of person that commits. I've only ended romantic relationships with people because they were cheating or because they were abusive and in both situations I gave them ample time to do better. I was in the abusive situation for over a year before I finally said enough was enough.
I believe in commitment. I believe loyalty is worth something.
So yes, I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere. But I have learned some things.
1. Say what you mean. The level of risk assumed when you say what you want upfront and are told no is less than if you keep silent and find out later that the answer is still no. You won't be as invested or hurt by the no.
2. Don't do anything for anyone that you would resent having done if the situation doesn't become what you want it to be. Thankfully, this lesson was simply reiterated as I learned it the last go round but it bears repeating! I'm very proud to say I didn't do this this time!
3. Don't assume.
4. Don't believe everything someone says. "Not happening" can become an "oh actually its very much happening and not with you." People don't intend to lie or set out to, but they do, they have, and they might in the future.
On the other hand, I sincerely hope that what they've decided to do works for them. It wouldn't work for me but I'm not in it. We're still friends. We're always going to be friends. And as your friend, I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy.
I don't want you to get hurt…and because the person you picked isn't me, I can't guarantee that they won't hurt you.
But if they do….I'll still be here. My love, my devotion, and my sense of duty remain. The proportions have changed but they're all still accounted for.
I may not be the person you picked or the person anyone ever picks, but I'm still exactly who I was.
I love you.
I'll always be here.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Adventures with Auntie
Shannon was determined to hit both Ikea AND Concord Mills on the same day.
AND we did!
I literally drove back from Atlanta one day and the next we were back to Charlotte.
AND we did!
I literally drove back from Atlanta one day and the next we were back to Charlotte.
This one was in tow on our epic shopping adventure!
I wanted to post this because he was basically a dream. We had a blast. Wanna see?
First we had to cover some basics. As the Black Auntie of a blonde baby, I have to make sure he is educated in an abundance of things. One of them is food. Here's my 3 yr old dipping like a boss at Popyeyes y'all. I couldn't be prouder.
We also spent quite a lot of time playing in mirrors which was evidently very fun in the dressing room of Eddie Bauer. And yes, Shannon and I both managed to pick up some items.
On a more serious note, I'd like to ponder something with you. I was recently listening to some political commentary on Blackness and I was struck by the fact that the assumption of the behavior of Black boys is one of a sinister nature. Society at large assumes that a little Black boy is doing something he shouldn't simply because he's Black.
Now what does this have to do with my sweet boy? Well I often times do things in public with him or even just think about him and I realize there are things he does and places he'll be able to go that a boy I gave birth too wouldn't be able to do without suspicion. He can run and play and be seen as cute even if he disrupts someone else's path or runs directly into them. Those baby blues can do no wrong but will my own son be given the same benefit of the doubt?
Black bodies are viewed as suspicious.
Examples?
Trayvon wasn't doing anything illegal but he was murdered for walking while Black.
Renisha McBride was only going for help, which she falsely assumed she could expect from her fellow American, but she was shot through a closed and locked door.
Here's one closer to home though. LP went behind the clothes between the wall and the clothes and was basically walking back and forth to see if I could see him/track him. Now, other shoppers were shopping in this area and sometimes he'd peak out at a stranger. Would that stranger have smiled and been so excited to see his little face if it had been brown?
If his running around the store had been in a brown body would he have been cute? adorable? or a terror? unruly?
I don't know, but I'd like to live in a place where a 3 year old is a 3 year old and their boyhood antics are assumed to be as innocent as they are.
I'd like to live there, but I don't.
I don't live there.
I live in a place where I'm terrified of having a Black son because his very presence is seen as threatening.
I live in a place where parenting a boy is something I don't want because I don't want to know what its like to be a childless mother.
This is the only boy I can see myself parenting because I won't lose him senselessly.
How deep does this terror run? Deep enough that I'd adopt an embryo and give birth to a son who looks nothing like me just so he could be seen in the same light as LP. Consider that. Consider the fact that I'd rather adopt a son who is White than give birth to a Black one. What does that say about the society that my son, Black or White, is being born into?
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
3 Doses Administered….and why Africa can't get any
Hi! Resident PhD Candidate here!
I'm back again to try and shed some light on the current situation with the Ebola vaccine.
We now know that three doses of ZMapp have been administered. The two Americans that received it are recovering at Emory in conjunction with the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. The 3rd dose went to a Spanish priest who later died.
Since we pharmaceutical scientists are the makers of drugs, I thought I'd share some thoughts on the situation.
This drug is a monoclonal antibody cocktail. Let me explain what that is and how you get it.
To make a monoclonal antibody you must first combine two different types of cells: myeloma cells and spleen cells of a mouse that has been immunized with the desired antigen. The antigen is the toxin or Ebola in this case. As I understand it, they expose mice to three different fragments of the Ebola virus. One mouse gets exposed to one fragment each. They then take the spleen cells of each mouse and fuse them with myeloma cells to create a hybridoma. Three separate hybridomas are needed, one for each fragment.
The important parts of this are:
1. The ability to create the antibody from the spleen cells that were exposed to Ebola
2. The indefinite growth characteristic from myeloma cancer cells to continuously reproduce this antibody
Together, you have cells that make antibodies and will never stop growing as long as they are provided the right growth environment to live in. What is that environment?
Science can either artificially create an environment to grow cells via cell culture or the hybridomas can be injected into the bellies of mice and grown inside the mouse.
Next, the antibody has to be extracted and purified. Regardless of how it was produced, it has to be cleaned. This is no small task. Think of it like this: You want to get the pinch of salt you added to muffin batter back after you baked them into muffins.
Difficult? Most certainly.
Yield? Very low.
As you can imagine this means that there must be massive numbers of hybidomas grown and maintained to get enough antibody to treat one person, much less a population. Additionally, for this Ebola treatment you need three different hybridomas to grow enough antibodies to combine them together. This kind of scale up doesn't happen overnight.
Even in my small experiments, I sometimes have to wait a week or two just to have enough cells to study and I'm studying the WHOLE cell or the whole muffin if you will. If you're trying to get antibodies, you only want the salt out of an already baked muffin. There isn't a whole lot of salt in the muffin AND its going to be hard to get.
Scale up will take months. No drug company has on hand the amount of drug needed to stop an epidemic if the drug is still experimental. Think about it like this: Would you make 5000 cupcakes with a new spice or would you make 12 cupcakes? You would make 12 to see if you even liked the spice. The same philosophy applies in science. We make enough to test until we know the treatment works. Once a treatment is FDA approved, we then purchase the infrastructure to make larger quantities. They couldn't make population sized doses if they wanted to AND the doses wouldn't be ready for months.
NO FDA Approval = no mass production of any drug
Hypothetically, this company has about 12 doses. This is not an accurate number but I'm continuing the cupcake analogy. They have given out 3. That leaves 9 left.
Even if the company had known this was going to happen way back in May, they would still only have about 20 doses because:
1. The drug isn't FDA approved
2. They don't have the means to scale up production so they could produce more but only incrementally
3. The drug takes months to make
Please read the following statement carefully.
The US Government DOES NOT OWN ZMapp. The US can't give it to anyone. They don't own it. They don't have any of the drug. They can't get the drug. What the FDA did was allow it to be given to American citizens. All the FDA of the US Government did was give permission for this company to experiment on two people.
No other country should say the US refused to give them something we don't have. Had we been asked for the flu vaccine, the US Government could have given it because we own the vaccine. Essentially, African nations are asking another nation for something that doesn't belong to them. It would be like Nigeria asking the US to give them Mexico. Yes we have access to Mexico, but we do not own it. Mexico is a sovereign nation. The makers of ZMapp are like a sovereign nation. No one can take their land or their product from them. Aside from the fact that there isn't much of the drug to give anyway, the US Government cannot compel a private company to give anything to anyone.
The US Government has no power over ZMapp distribution because they have no ownership of the drug AND there is very little to give anyhow.
Additionally, the Americans' recovering in Atlanta CAN NOT attribute their recovery to this drug. At this point, there is no way of knowing why they are recovering. In scientific studies, success is measured long term. Recovery and treatment are a long game. Research is the definition of delayed gratification.
The Americans' recovery could be due to the intense supportive care they receiving at Emory and have zero to do with the drug. At this point we know next to nothing about how this drug actually functions in the human body. If this drug causes kidney failure in 6 months this drug will have been a categorical failure.
There is no way of knowing if this drug is helping anyone at all and these Americans are still guinea pigs. They have entered into a life long experiment. The admissions ticket for this experiment was purchased with their lives. If the Americans live, they will be studied for the rest of their lives. What exactly does that mean?
These two Americans will be followed by the CDC. They will be required to give blood, urine, and any other specimens scientists desire for analysis. They now belong to science. Treatment with ZMapp is experimentation on humans. Humans!
Lastly, if the company gave the last 9 doses to an African country, which one would it be? Liberia? Nigeria?
Would the drug go to the highest bidding nation?
From there, to whom would they administer the remaining 9 doses?
Is there an application process?
Should they go to the young who have stronger immune systems or the most educated persons who get sick?
Should the drug then go to the highest bidder or the hospital best equipped for supportive care?
How will you determine who gets the treatment?
This is a very ethically slippery slope.
1. We are now experimenting on humans affected by Ebola.
2. The last experiment carried out on humans in America was the Tuskegee experiment, carried out on brown bodies, and remains the greatest failing of the American scientific community. When you know better, you do better.
3. The recipients of ZMapp have not been selected by the US Government but by the company.
4. ZMapp could kill people 5 months after administration and at this point we don't know. This drug isn't a cure.
5. There isn't a way to get more ZMapp quickly.
Rock….meet hard place!
Yea…that isn't a compliment
"You lose another 30 lbs and (insert name of female friend here) won't be taking you anywhere with her!"
So….this is what you have to say to someone who las already lost 55 lbs?
I understand that you're trying to say that in 30 lbs I'll be the sexy one of the two of us but…. have you seen me?
I'm sexy now.
I've worked very hard for the body I have.
So….this is what you have to say to someone who las already lost 55 lbs?
I understand that you're trying to say that in 30 lbs I'll be the sexy one of the two of us but…. have you seen me?
Recent family wedding…I'm in the middle in black
I've worked very hard for the body I have.
At my bestie's wedding 4 years ago
A few months ago
As you can see I've made a lot of progress but yet and still it isn't enough for some.
So happy I managed to maintain the bust line though. Vain I know, but I love me some cleavage.
As I sit here having done a workout that only a few people I know could have kept up with(would have killed the person who thinks I'm 30 lbs from sexy), I know that what I look like is a reflection of dedication and hard work.
I may not be where you want me to be, but damn it, I sure am happy to be EXACTLY where I am.
Sincerely,
Size Fabulous
P.S. My decision to have home made pizza the night before leg day for carbo-loading purposes does not require you to say "Seems like you have an obsession with staying fat." First of all that would require me to currently be fat and NO I do not subscribe to your "well you're not the right weight for your height" nonsense. I'm more physically fit than most people I know. For your information, I need these carbs because I have low blood pressure and a crazy ass workout thanks to Sabs.
P.P.S. The pizza was delicious.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Eyespace
There are some things better left unseen.
Maybe unseen isn't the right word.
You know how you can know something but you don't want to watch it?
Examples….
You know I've got them.
- Men over a certain age have prostate exams. I'd say watching isn't very sexy.
- No one is lining up to be in the audience to see lighting instruments hung before a Beyoncé concert.
- Any and all colorectal surgeries are OUT!
Let's think of some more benign examples
- how your favorite "not so good for you pork bbq" is actually made
- how much work it actually takes to maintain the rose gardens you love seeing in the spring
- your lover has to have serious work done on those feet every two weeks to keep them looking like you're accustomed to
- how exactly are McDonald's chicken nuggets made?
There are lots of things most people don't want in their eye space. Some are gross a la medical procedures and some are just things you're not interested in watching.
Sometimes you have to monitor your eye space. There are things you just don't care to watch. You have to limit your exposure to things that disturb you or cause turmoil in your life. I've found that though difficult, my wellbeing is tied to making sure that the things around me are things that I'm okay with seeing. Now some basic things bother some people and don't bother others.
Key example: My mother hates open drawers. I couldn't care less about the drawers to my dresser being open but it bothers her eye space.
I'm talking about more complex things. For some people its difficult to watch someone else have a loving exchange with their father because the observer's father wasn't in their life. For some people its difficult to understand why someone would want their mother in the delivery room coaching them through birth because the observer's mother is so judgmental that they wouldn't be able to relax.
I'm about to drop some truth…you ready? Here it goes...
For me, its hard to watch couples. I usually turn my head when they kiss or greet each other. I love that you have that in your life, but I don't want it in my eye space. I don't generally like to watch because romance is not a part of my life. I'm not someone who has romantic love in their life. Me and romance haven't seen each other in at least 6 years. To some degree its by design. Romantic love is tumultuous and my entire life, when influenced by romance, is like a tiny ship in the great big ocean.
My heart just can't take it.
I have almost no control over my own life under the influence of romance.
My ability to function is directly tied to romantic relationships and when they're good I'm super productive and when the relationship sours, my entire life grinds to a halt. I never understand why someone isn't treating me nicely. I try and do anything and everything to make them happy and if that isn't enough for them to love me back, then I'm not enough. And that feeling of not enough brings my life to a screeching halt.
I'm talking no work gets done, no emails get replied to, no experiments get conducted, no food gets cooked. I'm talking all I do is stream Netflix on my laptop continuously for days on end. I can watch 13+ hours of TV in one sitting . You don't learn to do that by accident. I learned to do that because of heart break.
The other reason romance isn't a part of my life is because no one think of romance when they look at me. They see reliable, dependable, trustworthy, shoulder to cry on, intellectual, kind, caring, and considerate and you know what those add up to? Friend. I am the quintessential friend.
Eye space.
Keeping mine clear keeps my mind functional and my heart uninjured. Most of the time, I can rise above the desire to love someone as long as I don't have to see someone else doing so.
Most of the time.
Maybe unseen isn't the right word.
You know how you can know something but you don't want to watch it?
Examples….
- Men over a certain age have prostate exams. I'd say watching isn't very sexy.
- No one is lining up to be in the audience to see lighting instruments hung before a Beyoncé concert.
- Any and all colorectal surgeries are OUT!
Let's think of some more benign examples
- how your favorite "not so good for you pork bbq" is actually made
- how much work it actually takes to maintain the rose gardens you love seeing in the spring
- your lover has to have serious work done on those feet every two weeks to keep them looking like you're accustomed to
- how exactly are McDonald's chicken nuggets made?
There are lots of things most people don't want in their eye space. Some are gross a la medical procedures and some are just things you're not interested in watching.
Sometimes you have to monitor your eye space. There are things you just don't care to watch. You have to limit your exposure to things that disturb you or cause turmoil in your life. I've found that though difficult, my wellbeing is tied to making sure that the things around me are things that I'm okay with seeing. Now some basic things bother some people and don't bother others.
Key example: My mother hates open drawers. I couldn't care less about the drawers to my dresser being open but it bothers her eye space.
I'm talking about more complex things. For some people its difficult to watch someone else have a loving exchange with their father because the observer's father wasn't in their life. For some people its difficult to understand why someone would want their mother in the delivery room coaching them through birth because the observer's mother is so judgmental that they wouldn't be able to relax.
I'm about to drop some truth…you ready? Here it goes...
For me, its hard to watch couples. I usually turn my head when they kiss or greet each other. I love that you have that in your life, but I don't want it in my eye space. I don't generally like to watch because romance is not a part of my life. I'm not someone who has romantic love in their life. Me and romance haven't seen each other in at least 6 years. To some degree its by design. Romantic love is tumultuous and my entire life, when influenced by romance, is like a tiny ship in the great big ocean.
My heart just can't take it.
I have almost no control over my own life under the influence of romance.
My ability to function is directly tied to romantic relationships and when they're good I'm super productive and when the relationship sours, my entire life grinds to a halt. I never understand why someone isn't treating me nicely. I try and do anything and everything to make them happy and if that isn't enough for them to love me back, then I'm not enough. And that feeling of not enough brings my life to a screeching halt.
I'm talking no work gets done, no emails get replied to, no experiments get conducted, no food gets cooked. I'm talking all I do is stream Netflix on my laptop continuously for days on end. I can watch 13+ hours of TV in one sitting . You don't learn to do that by accident. I learned to do that because of heart break.
The other reason romance isn't a part of my life is because no one think of romance when they look at me. They see reliable, dependable, trustworthy, shoulder to cry on, intellectual, kind, caring, and considerate and you know what those add up to? Friend. I am the quintessential friend.
Eye space.
Keeping mine clear keeps my mind functional and my heart uninjured. Most of the time, I can rise above the desire to love someone as long as I don't have to see someone else doing so.
Most of the time.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
The Greatest Voice of All Time
Happy Birthday Whitney!
This voice was the sweetest gift from God and He wanted that voice to sing only for His glory so He called her home, to rest in Him forever.
In my personal opinion, the best showcase of Whitney's talent live is the 1994 concert in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Go watch it and be amazed.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
D & A
Danielle and Aisha.
Moodie-Mills.
Wives, not sisters.
These two are so freaking adorable. I mean…. let's do pictures first then commentary.
Moodie-Mills.
Wives, not sisters.
These two are so freaking adorable. I mean…. let's do pictures first then commentary.
I
just
can't
stand
it!
These two Polinistas are the power couple behind Politini. Its a podcast and radio show about the intersection of politics and pop culture. Its on blis.fm and you should be there EVERY Thursday at 8 to get some food for thought.
Just some of the titles of their show include:
The Politics of Fashion
Is Obesity the New Normal?
Reproductive Freedom versus Recreational Sex
The Politics of Black Love
Has America Lost Its Appetite for Bigotry
Swagger-Jacking or Cultura Dexterity
Born a Suspect
Rape Culture Continues
Bottom-Bitches and Feminism 2.0
School Discipline and the Criminalization of Black girls
Egos, Elders and The Intellectual Assault on Beyonce
They go for and go for it hard! They have excellent guests who are experts in the fields they choose to discuss every week. Always thoughtful and thought provoking, I make it my business to soak up this goodness at least an hour a day on my morning commute. I've always thought that being intelligent wasn't just natural talent but also curiosity. I make it my business as a scientist to stay socially conscious and I think it makes me a better person and definitely a better intellectual. They definitely keep me abreast of everything afoot in the social justice movements across the country.
On the fun side of things, they love all things J and B and are outraged at the same things that drive me cray!
Aisha and Danielle Moodie-Mills are the first Black lesbian couple to be featured in Essence and they have a blog about living, loving, and laboring out loud. Their wedding pictures are the stuff of dreams. Their shared passion for waging the fight against injustice as well as their knack for being on the pulse of pop culture make them super interesting and role model worthy.
And did I mention I just love Black love. Yea, I love it.
And I love seeing their particular type of Black love which isn't represented often.
I sent the pictures of their wedding to a friend who said and I quote "I think I just realized that's my dream. My heart is fluttering….I want it."
Visibility matters.
Happy Anniversary you two!
4 years today
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