Forward

This morning, I stopped at my local suburb's B&N and picked up my first ever release day hardback book.

I have a Wambach jersey. I've watched at least 100 of the goals she's scored. I'm a unequivocal fan.

So this morning, I bought Forward, Abby's memoir. This evening, I've read the entire thing cover to cover.

I have quite a few takeaways.

1. Take nothing away from Abby on the field because she never once played under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Additionally, nothing she was on is a banned substance.

2. Abby's main abuse of prescription drugs and alcohol was during off times for soccer. Every time soccer was gearing up, she'd quit all of that and commit herself to international play. Soccer is cyclical. It happens for 2 years and then it goes away from 2 years on the international stage for American women.

3. The break that Abby took from NWSL wasn't general disinterest in playing club soccer. She didn't play for the NWSL because she was trying to save her marriage. That's commendable.

4. It is completely possible to give yourself to something so much so that you can't really be in anything else fully. Abby found this to be true of soccer and her marriage. She gave so much to soccer that she really didn't have much left for her marriage. Even when she wanted to prioritize it, she'd given her heart decades before to the game.

5. The pain associated with being the gay kid that she felt wouldn't meet her mother's standards and wasn't loveable drove Abby. She just wanted to be seen and approved of and she got that from the game. Scoring goals let her feel that love and acceptance she so craved. Losing the game meant losing the way she thought she mattered in the world. I get that on the most visceral of levels. When my identity as an intellectual was shaken, I felt I didn't matter in the world as well. Its tough but she's on the upswing from that. I'm can tell her it definitely definitely gets better.

6. All athletes don't play for the same reason. These psych skills might get somewhat of a workout. I think understanding motivation will be key for me as a team doc.

7. Abby has real people friends. I always worry about people who are famous because they may not have real people friends who will tell them the hard things. I never would have thought that one of those people would be Syd but there she was, challenging Abs, pushing Abs, and crying with her. I always looked at them and thought that it was an interesting relationship. Syd the Kid and Abs as besties makes complete sense now.

8. Abby's wife stuck by her for a long time even when it wasn't great. I don't quite understand irreconcilable differences but they are apparently a thing. Abby has nothing but love for Sarah and when she really needed Sarah to show up, she did. Sarah even tabled their issues so that Abby could focus on the WWC. Sarah was also there when Abby retired but didn't go on the field. I'm glad she did that. That was a huge critique I had of her last year because I felt like at minimum Sarah should be there as a friend and she was.  Sarah bailed her out of jail despite the fact that their marriage was essentially non-existent at the time.  They really made a go of it and sometimes the things you carry into a relationship will ultimately be its downfall but damn it if they didn't try.

9. Athletes need help.
That message was loud and clear.
This was by far the most beneficial to me because I want to work with elite female athletes. I do work with elite female athletes. We ask them a battery of questions before we give them an Ibuprofen and they expect it. One of my girls torn her ACL last week and she got an NSAID first and upon further complaint got Tramadol. She also got a script for like 2 days worth of an opoid. We don't play.

I have successfully built relationships with my athletes that have me looking at everything from bug bites to prescriptions they got from their physicians to asking what they can take and letting use get a brief history and maybe exam before making a decision. They know its for their good. They know I'll explain anything they want to know from mechanism to dosing. They trust me. That's what I want to continue to build. That's what I want with all my athletes in the future.

I never considered it but I'll probably need to try and get so training in addictive behaviors because they honestly are in a significant amount of pain sometimes. Pain management has to be a dance between the player and the physician and I want them to trust me to lead. When I work with the National Team, I'll fly out myself and do house calls. I want them to know that that's who I am as a physician, that's the level of care they can expect, and that "first do no harm" is at the forefront of my mind.

I want them to know they can call me. If anything gets out of control, I'm here and patient-doctor confidentiality is real. It doesn't matter who is paying me to be there, I'll be there, I'll stay as long as you need, and I'm ethically bound to maintain my patient's confidence.

Abby's memoir really opened my eyes to what I need to do to take care of my athletes both physically and otherwise. I know its going to challenge me and my future wife for me to practice medicine in a way that best helps my athletes but for just those 25 women, I want their medical care to be world class just like their soccer is.

Me and You....

The time is right
You hold me tight
And love's got me high
Please tell me yes

And don't say no, honey
Not tonight
I need to have you next to me
In more ways than one

And I refuse to leave 'till I see the
Morning sun creep through your window pane
'Cause love won't let me wait....

This is the second song I imagine dancing to at our wedding reception. I've always loved it. The first is also a Luther classic but I'll save that for another night....

Brokeness is Human

When she called me to tell her that her dad had been killed instantly and that her mother was in the ICU, I went to Jesus.

When she called me to say that her best friend was gone, I went to Jesus.

When I read that her sisters, nieces, and nephew had been killed in a car accident, I went to Jesus.

For some reason Jesus has decided to put me in situations of extreme grief. I'm not sure what He's doing in me or through me but its something because it keeps happening.

Tonight was Date Auction. As a member of the executive board of my class, I was in attendance. As I was driving away I saw some holding what looked like a sobbing girl.

I know that girl.

So I rolled down my window and asked if she needed a ride. The girl holding her said yes.

She walked up to my car window and said "My sister was raped."

Not 5 minutes later she told me she'd found out because she'd been roofied 2 weeks prior to today and called her sister who proceeded to tell her that much worse had happened to her. Her sister was raped two years ago.

We sat in my car, as I've sat with quite a few people, and I held space for her to be broken.

I don't know why God keeps giving me these intersections with people. I don't know His purpose for this but each and every time I find that I have all the tools I need to be whatever they need me to be.
 God equips those He calls.

People need people. Humanness is messy and ugly and flawed and awe inspiring. I'm so amazed by how many people lack the intimacy in their relationships to be truly broken. Maybe its a consequence of my own celibacy journey, but I'm capable of being incredibly emotionally intimate, open, and vulnerable within the context of non-sexual expression. That's what I was able to offer her.

Space for brokenness

Space to be devastated

Space to feel

As she got into her building I felt my personality coming back. There's this thing that happens to me when the me in me is decreasing and the God in me is increasing. There a shift in my energy, in my personality, my demeanor, even my pattern of speech. There's this place where I can be small enough that God can be big in me. I can't even recollect exactly what I said because it honestly wasn't me.  I don't ever realize I've gone there until I'm coming back out of it but how amazing is God?

I'm so thankful that I know Him and He can move through me. I'm in awe of who He is the fact that He keeps using me. I don't get it....I don't understand it but its a thing. There's a very clear pattern.

There is no coincidence. God very clearly sends me on divine assignments.

Lord,

Use me as you wish. If I'm to be what people know of a gentle, loving and kind God continue to mold me. I know you've got more to do in me. I know there are places that haven't be cleaned out and made to be like you. Help me to do that work as well Father, that I might be as useful to you as I can be. This is is so heavy God but I'm so thankful that I know you and I can seek you and find you and be comforted in your presence. In her brokenness, she was deeply aware of her loneliness and I'm so thankful that this relationship means that I am never over alone or forsaken. I am always connected and for that I am so grateful.

You are an awesome God and I thank you for the opportunity to be a small glimpse of you in the lives of other people. Let not my humanity hinder your will in my life.

I love you so much.

Amen.

Fire

I see fire
inside the mountain.



I see fire
burning the trees.



I see fire
hollowing souls.



I see fire
blood in the breeze.