Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Normal

I guess there's not point in fighting it.
She's going to be in my dreams.
She's just there.
I read something that said dreams are the result of things you can't work out in your wakefulness.
Well God, she is for sure something I haven't worked out.
The question is are you?
and I know the answer.
Of course you are. All things work together right?
So yea, you're working on it...whatever that mean.
Its so funny though because my dreams
they're so freaking pleasant.
Last night, I was walking towards her and she looked up at me.
She looked at me the way I look at her and it honestly blew me away.
I wonder if anyone looks at her the way I use to?
I wonder if anyone loves her the way I do? I hope so.
But in my dream
I curled around her, put my hand on her stomach, and just existed in the same space as her.
Eventually we fell asleep.
I literally woke up because in my dream, she started moving in her sleep and I was adjusting.
I peaked my eye open, saw she wasn't there, and thought
"guess she's up" followed by "no.....no Philise she wasn't here. That was a dream."
And you know what?
I didn't fight it.
I didn't get upset.
I just went back to sleep.
When my mind's done trying to figure out when or if she'll ever be with me, I'll stop dreaming of her.
Until then, I'm done fighting.
She's not going away, at least not in my dreams.
She's part of my normal.

What I learned?
If stopped fighting it,  it'll stopped beating me up.
We can both exist.



Two realms, two separate realities 
At least I still see her sometimes, even if it's a dream. 




Saturday, November 26, 2016

Y'all funny

My friends.

My cuddly, hand holding, play in my hair, let me put my head in your lap, can you give me a massage friends.

A lot of them seem to think that they should get girlfriend privileges. Legit ass.

One of them gets sick and they think I'm going to cook for them, and to be fair sometimes I do but it shouldn't be an expectation. 

I go somewhere cool by myself and snap about it or post about and its "Why didn't you take me with you?"

Girl huh?

You're not my girlfriend. You don't get to go everywhere I go.

"I need to talk to you ASAP" text comes through and then calls before I even respond.
Girl what? I'm busy.

And then they want to be mad. 
Girl for what? Its not like you wanted to be my girlfriend and I told you no. 
You're my friend. That's all I want you to be and even if you want some privileges, its actually all you want to be too girl.

I refuse to ever treat a girl like anything but a friend ever again without an explicit conversation that ends with "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Why? Because I'm really good at being more than a friend and other people are really good at accepting my affection with no regard for how it'll affect me when they say "Yea I like all that stuff but I'm with someone else" or "Girl you know I'm straight" 6 months into this thing.
Nope. 
Never again.

I ain't got the time.

These hetero women I'm friends with. 
They really do have the game fucked up so very often.


The only ASAPs I know are my sister, my future job (that sometimes I do now), and my future wife (who I'm yet praying for). That's it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Just wondering....

Sometimes I wonder when being respectful, chivalrous, understanding, and thoughtful will actually pay off?

Sometimes I think its not worth it...but then again I don't know how to be any other way (and I might hurt myself trying.)


Thursday, November 17, 2016

On My Mind

You ever make a tough decision?
One of those decisions that you know is the right thing to do but its still not easy and someone who's relationship with Jesus you trust hits you with

"You've been on my mind this morning during my prayers! Praying for you :)"

I love God.
I love my friends who really trust Him and listen to Him and heed His call.

He's amazing.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Firmly in 6

Yesterday, I went to the #6 state on my residency list. More specifically, I went to Hershey, PA to see my nephew and my mentor.



We had a blast. 

And I found a place I'd totally move my family to.
Its like North Carolina minus the thing that makes me not want to go back (hint: too close to family)

That's the catch...its beautiful there BUT its not somewhere that lots of gay women would flock to AND soccer. Thus, if I have a someone serious prior to graduating, it could move up my list. The biggest barrier to getting into the top 5 is that all those places have NWSL teams or are planning to (Come on NC...waiting on Carolina Courage to be announced....) so that's not really a space that UPenn can break into. They're not getting a team but 6 is pretty damn high on my list lol.

Also, Portland, Chicago, Seattle, and Bmore are all heavily populated with gay people so that hits soccer and gay community/dating.

Yea, UPenn is firmly in 6. But I'm hella impressed with 6.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

She Saw Me

So many times in so many different ways she's looked at me and really seen me and said "You can do this."
Even when I didn't think I could do it, she knew I could.

And I did.

That's the power of mentoring.


Friday, November 11, 2016

In Light of Recent Events

Colorado: Denver(5), Aurora(10)
Hawaii: Honolulu(7)
Illinois: Maywood(4)
Maryland: Baltimore(14)
North Carolina: Durham(8), Chapel Hill(7)
Oregon: Portland(7)
Pennsylvania: Hershey(5), Allentown(6), Abington(5)
Washington State: Seattle(7)
Virginia: Richmond(6)

These are the places I'm willing to go for residency and the # of seats at each program. This list was developed with the following criteria:

A state that voted for Hillary
OR
a state lost with 4% or less of the popular vote AND the program is in a county that went for Hillary

From there the list is sorted as follows based on: states I want to live in, proximity to women's soccer, housing affordability

1. Oregon: Portland(7)
2. Illinois: Maywood(4)
3. Washington State: Seattle(7)
4. Maryland: Baltimore(14)
5. North Carolina: Durham(8), Chapel Hill(7)
6. Pennsylvania: Hershey(5), Allentown(6), Abington(5)
7. Colorado: Denver(5), Aurora(10)
8. Virginia: Richmond(6)
9. Hawaii: Honolulu(7)

I'm going to be a Black lesbian holding two doctorates with a wife and kids. I need to make sure my family is safe, my livelihood is safe, and that the things I love are near by. I need to know that no one is going to hurt my family or myself for simply existing. I also want to go to good programs. This list only represents 16 programs. I realize I'm going to have to apply to more places but this is all I got right now. This is 88 seats.

I really want one of 47 seats which are in my top 5. I need a 230 to be competitive at all the schools.

This is where I'm at right now.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

We, The Decent People

What podcasts have told me is that

These White people in middle America feel like they're in a culture war. They feel like all the things that were wrong when they were kids are now okay.

Homosexuality is okay
Transgender people are okay
Pre-marital sex is okay
People being different and that being celebrated is okay
Disabled people not living in the shadows and institutions but integrated into society is okay
Abortion is okay
Being proud to be who you are if you aren't White is okay
Celebrating anything that isn't distinctly American aka White is okay
Being an immigrant that doesn't immediately abandon their culture and assimilate is okay
Not believing in Jesus is okay

White culture, or so its called within this group, says that there is no greater identity than being an American aka White, believing in Christianity, and being a heterosexual. "White culture" is literally as homogenous as White bread and they don't want any rye, pumpernickel, whole wheat, sprouted, or sourdough available in the US.

So that's what they voted for. They voted to curtail anything that they feel threatens "white culture."

However, I'm in America because of White culture so they need to stop with this foolishment. You brought Black people here so you don't get to then demand that we not be Black.

Also, you don't get to decide that other people, who aren't you and won't have to answer to your version of "White Jesus", have to live like you. That's like asking a stay at home mom to switch jobs with her husband and expecting his workplace or their home to run smoothly. It doesn't work that way and you know it.

So yes I'm pissed. I'm pissed because as a Black lesbian who will hold two doctorates I've got to carefully consider where I want to live in this country that has been home to my family for at least 5 generations. Ann Coulter's "you must have 4 grandparents from here to really be American" bullshit doesn't take into account that Black people, brought here as slaves, have got like 4+ generations in America. We aren't going anywhere. Also....First Nations people should really kick all the Whites out for stealing their shit but I digress.

You know what is okay in America? Anything that doesn't hurt someone else. So I'm going to continue to celebrate...


My Chinese niece Angela


The Jewish Kids I nanny


My team


My White Godkids

My Black badass sibling

My nephew

My Chinese sister

My ability to marry the girl of my dreams

My phenomenal council of trusted advisors (only 1 pictured here)

My buddy Dec

This beauty queen!

My boos!

My education


I'm going to keep doing me.
Stay mad.











Monday, November 7, 2016

I Voted for God

November 4, 2008....we were so overwhelmed on the campus of Hampton University. It was literally the best place to be in the world....on the campus of an HBCU having elected a Black president.
My mom cried.
It was the fulfillment of a dream.
So many people thought racism was over.
It wasn't and it isn't.

We know that now, 8 years later.
So many have died.
BLM has emerged.
Progress is not marked by the ascension of one, as is the case of President Obama, but by the emergence of an entire group of people. Until we can all say we have overcome, we have not achieved the promise of America.

Many people are asking "Can anything be done about everything we are seeing today?"

What we can't do is give up. We can't give in to the forces of division.
We have a chance to defeat the hatred spreading through our country.

What makes America great is that we have the ability to vote and decide who leads us.
Hope is only possible in the face of hopelessness.
Victory can only be achieved if defeat is possible.
Life can only be sustained in the face of death.
Justice can only be won in the face of injustice.

The resurrection says that regardless of how great the enemy is,  he can be defeated.

Too many people died for us to not exercise our right to vote.
For Emmett Till's sake and Harriet Tubman's sake and my great great grandmother's sake and my future children's sake I need to vote.
Its not just a secular choice. The secular government can lift up those cast away and free the oppressed. <--That's Bible.

For those who have chosen to serve God alone, what does it mean to vote?

Deuteronomy 1:13 gives us tips on how to vote for God.

Moses charges the people to chose leaders to lead them and gave this advice.
Choose people who are wise, discerning, and reputable.

I can vote for God by choosing people who fit the bill Moses set forth.

Wisdom: practical ability to exercise judgment and skillful decision making...not lofty ideals.

Vote for people whose skills and accomplishments has been proven and tested. <--This is wisdom.

Those running for office should be wise, tested, and experienced. Not just people who have been to school but actually worked using that book knowledge. Wisdom doesn't mean they haven't made mistakes or bad decisions. It means they have had the opportunity learn from it.

Reminder: The presidency has a minimum age because you need to have lived to really lead.

We need a person who brings people together.

Proverbs says a wise person listens to wise counsel, welcomes correction, and isn't arrogant. They reign in their tongue and doesn't give vent to anger.

The Apostle James said the wise candidate is quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Moses said to pick people who can weigh all sides of the story, leaders who can measured in their words, patient under pressure, and who do not lash out in anger.

Moses said we should choose candidates who are discerning. The ability to separate right from wrong, justice from injustice, and progress from gridlock isn't one everyone has or uses.

We need to choose people who bring about the right kind of change... change that can see the injustices of our justice system, who see the inequality in our economy, who see and care about the people Jesus called the least of these: the sick, hungry, imprisoned, and refugees. <--This is why I have HUGE issues with the religious right. How can you be for the GOP which systematically disenfranchises the people Jesus said we are to look after and simultaneously claim some type of moral superiority. That's a smooth hell no. The religious right have placed all their eggs in the basket of making abortion legal and are failing the help their fellow man that they see each and everyday. Miss me with the religious right. I'm a devout Christian, an evangelical some would said and I'm a Democrat because I actually believe that we should take care of the least of these. Some people need to read their Bibles and get back to me about how they can interpret Jesus's teachings as being in alignment with the Republican party! 

We need to elect people who can separate fact from fiction and who will cause SCOTUS to expand freedom.

Discernment would say "lets not take rights from people but expand freedom."

Moses says I want you to choose leaders who are reputable. 

1 Timothy 3 says leaders need time to prove themselves to establish a good name. Leaders should be well thought of by outsiders and insiders.
You can't buy a good reputation.
Proverbs says a good name is better than riches.

We need to think about what the candidates known for?

Moses would say we should choose people who have a reputation for doing good not just for themselves but for everyone. We should choose people who have a reputation for holding up the institution of democracy. We should choose people who want to form a more perfect union, not divide and turn people against each other.

People who are wise, discerning, and reputable are people who should be our leaders. That is what the Word says. 

Moses does not say choose people who are perfect. Wise, discerning, and reputable people won't be perfect.
Jesus isn't running for an elected office.

We can not abdicate our responsibility.

Every vote matters.
1 Vote has made the difference in the following situations

1645: Control of England to Oliver Cromwell
1800: Thomas Jefferson became President instead of Aaron Burr
1851: Admitted CA and OR to the Union
1876: Rutherford B Hayes became President
1923: Hitler became the leader of the Nazi party
1993: Al Gore approved the largest tax increase in American history

That's what one vote can do so don't tell me yours doesn't matter!

The question isn't just who we will put in office but what will they do?

How will they respond to the threat of war? Will they exercise diplomacy and advert nuclear catastrophy?
How do they respond to the mandate of diversity as people of different races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, and ability seek to be included in American public life?

Will they include rather than exclude or will they continue to marginalize those who have been historically left out?

Will they require the rich and corporations to pay their fair share?
Who is more likely to promote the idea that women deserve equal pay for equal work?
Who will appoint Supreme Court Justices that are more in the tradition of Thurgood Marshall and Sonya Sotomayor or Antonin Scalia?

Who will set a better tone that will provide opportunity for all of us and not just some of us?
Who will set a tone that will stop demonizing black men and bring an end to mass incarceration?
A better tone that will give our children hope?

Who do we want to influence the narrative of who we are and what we stand for?
Who will expand America's promise to more of us rather than taking us back to a time that no minorities or oppressed groups want to repeat?

This election will approve the narrative that its either alright to discriminate against Black and brown bodies, sexually assault women, that the poor are to blame for their plight or the narrative that says that LGBT people are NOT sexual deviants and deserve equal rights, that makes space for differently abled people in the fabric of American life, that says  that everyone is welcome and no one should be turned away for their differences. Which narrative will you approve? <-- I love the Pastor Coates always includes LGBT folks in his sermons. It makes me feel seen and valued in a way I didn't know I needed until I started going to an affirming church. :-)

We don't need a narrative that renders Muslims inherently evil but one is on the table for your vote.

We have come so far but we have to let folks know we are not turning back.
We're not going back to Jim Crow and double digit employment.
We need to remind people that there was nothing great about lynching.
We have two days to make America better.
Two days for hope and joy and peace and to set a tone that those committed to hate and division and racism and sexism and xenophobia and homophobia are not who we are. We need to let them know that that our ancestors died and bleed and fought for my future and it won't be taken from me without a fight!

We've got two days to be tone setters.
What tone do you want to set?

Friday, November 4, 2016

Rumblings

I'm hearing rumblings that Ali was listed for trade by management and that she didn't request to leave which is totally consistent with everything I've ever heard her say privately.  The girl has been here since DC finished bottom of the league and this year we went to the final. She's committed to club level soccer. She's the only woman to ever actually play in Champions League and win CL in Europe from the USWNT player pool. She's a club soccer person and talks about how she values club equally to National team AND demonstrates that with her actions. I still remember how the team reacted to hearing that she was flying into Houston for the game AND fit to play. She's the ideal captain to have.

I'm hearing that management wanted her gone. Ali is a brilliant leader and she's not a push over. When the owner pulled that stunt with the anthem, Ali and the team got a statement together about how they felt as players. It was issued on her personal website. That's who she is. She stands up for what she believes is right. That's the kind of person you should want. I guess some don't like a woman with opinions that she won't supress. Based on her public statement, it was a surprise to her that she was traded. She's stated numerous times that she wanted to retire from the game in DC and was going to be playing next year for DC. 

If they really did my girl dirty, I'll continue to do the work but my heart which was already on its way to Orlando will be growing roots in the purple and Carolina blue. Image result for orlando pride





I'll know more soon after I talk to some of my athletes about this. 
I'm
Not
Pleased.


Thursday, November 3, 2016

Oh Captain, My Captain

Waaaaay more emotional about losing our captain than I thought I would be.

On our last home training day, she asked me to lead the team breakdown because "you're on the team too." After training and before they got on the plane to Houston, she came and found me, gave me a big hug, and asked me personally to come back next season.

I am coming back because I love the sport and I love working with athletes but also because someone I really respected thought highly enough of my work to ask me back.

More than anyone else having a player, a captain who has worked with countless support staff throughout her international career, ask you to come back means something. It means you did your job well and in my case you cared and you were competent against the backdrop of everyone else she's worked with.

It means a lot to me that she asked me back.

She was our fearless leader. She led by example. We'd follow her anywhere.

So sad she won't be there to lead us next year.
She was awesome and I wish her the best.

Thanks Kriegs!


Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Leave them and us alone

Two of my favorite footballers are married to each other.

Erin and Ella Masar McLeod are awesome. One's a keeper and one's a forward. They're both pretty bad ass.

(L-R: Erin and Ella)



Erin tore her ACL for the 3rd time before the Olympics. She's the #1 keeper for Canada. In the process of her recovery she's talked a lot about motivation and drive and things that inspire her.
She and her wife do a periscope every couple of weeks and answer fan questions and talk in general about things they've read and their thoughts on motivation.

Erin and Ella at the WWC 2015 (Erin's the one in the yellow)

Wanna know more? www.motivenation.ca is the place to do that!

Anyway, tonight I was watching the periscope as I usually do and I saw all these trolls commenting and saying vile rude things.
And Ella addressed it.
She was basically like "We're not changing. This is who we are and what we're about and if that's not cool for you, don't watch. Go have a great life and leave us and our fans who are interested alone."

Wedding!


I hate that.
I hate that this happens to our female athletes.
I hate that they open up their lives and people are rude to them.
 Go find something productive to do.
The fact that they have to address things like this is insane.
That just made me mad!

And this periscope isn't the easiest thing to find. These people put in some effort. Try putting your effort towards something else!

Also....the athletes are real people.

I see them....reading their social media after practice and ACTUALLY SEEING the mean things people say about them. They are actually affected by some of these things. They're people. They have insecurities and things that they're dealing with. Would not saying something if you don't have something nice to say be so hard?
Leave them alone.


Ella and Erin are people.
They have feelings.
If you're not interested in what they're putting out, don't watch.
I'll be watching and supporting our badass lady footballers.





Halloween!

Truth: I'd rather go trick or treating with my kids than go to a party with people my age. 




I took this picture right before we left the house (missing one kid in this pic.)
Had a great time! 
I took the walkers aka the 4 and 6 year old and their mom took that alligator aka the 2 year old.

I was a professional soccer player, Harris to be exact.  And yes that counts because its a really expensive costume since my jerseys are custom and authentic. Don't judge!