21 Years of Separation

Implicit trust

Obedience

Love

all earned

all deserved 

Giver of wise counsel 

Pursuer of tough conversations

Observer of who I am

Truth teller

Believer in who I'm called to be

7,670 days

Forcing me to see what I don't

or imagine that there is better

Present

in both senses of the word

You Make Me Happy

He really does. He's more than I could have imagined and everything I'll ever need.

Psalm 21:2

You have given him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips.

He has. I've wanted  so much and asked for so much.  I prayed about medical school for over a year.  It was my heart's earnest plea. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life in a lab even if it is something I'm fairly skilled at. God knew it too. And though He didn't answer in the way I wanted He answered in the best way possible for my life. Despite a very competitive application, I was interview at one place this year and admitted to that place. As my Dad always said "You only need one" and God literally gave me one option. He knows I need pretty clear direction ;-)

There are things I'm still praying for and I know that God won't withhold His blessings from me even if what I want is something I shouldn't have. He may not give me the request I made with my mouth but the prayers I've prayed with my heart, the intention behind them, has always been answered. He's so good y'all.

Psalm 21:6

For You make him to be blessed and a blessing forever; You make him exceedingly glad with the joy of Your presence

The Lord has made me to be a blessing to others through the blessings He's given me. I know that the joy I've had for years is from Him. All my coworkers in the lab are foreign and when I first got that they all told me that if I was this happy all the time back where they are from, people would think I was on drugs. That was just me and my awesome relationship with Jesus. No chemical assistance needed! I know that joy was something that my bestie YiLing really wanted to have and intrigued her about this Jesus.  Jesus has made me exceedingly happy. I find that when I'm fasting and especially when I'm perpetually listening to Gospel, I can't stop smiling. I love that I can literally grab a worship song and be in my happy place in less than 3 minutes. God can, God will, and God does. I'm so unworthy but He thinks I'm worth everything.

Psalm 22:1

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning?

I don't want y'all to think its always been easy. It hasn't been. Its been difficult. Its been bone chillingly cold. When I was praying about medical school and it looked like it wasn't going to happen I felt the way this verse says. Why was God forsaking me? But what I didn't put in the front of my mine when I was crying and depressed was "ALL things work together." In the time I wasn't getting what I was praying for, God wasn't forsaking me. I needed to wait. I didn't want to and I took that to be God not caring about my desires but that wasn't it at all. This is a lesson I've had to learn twice now and I think I'm getting it. God saying no has nothing to do with my prayer life or fasting life. Sometimes He's saying no because there is better for me. There's more that He wants for me. Nebraska was the definition of wanting more for me, more than UNC could offer. Howard is the same. It's more than I could have conceived of. No isn't God forsaking you, sometimes its Him saving you.

Psalm 22:9-10

Yet You are He Who took me out of the womb; You made me hope and trust when I was on my mother’s breasts
I was cast upon You from my very birth; from my mother’s womb You have been my God.

I'm a Christian from the cradle. I attended my home church in my mother's womb. I'm a died in the wool African Methodist Episcopal Zionite. Fortunately, that means I've been surrounded by religion all my life however that doesn't make me a Christian. I remember coming to faith in 4th grade at a Baptist Church Vacation Bible School. There's a huge difference between being at church and believing what they're saying at church. I'm so grateful for being raised in the church. I'm so glad I know that I know that I knew yesterday that I'll know tomorrow that God is, and God was, and God shall be. Even though I went begrudgingly, I'm glad I went to Sunday School so that I have some foundational information about the Bible though every Christian must search it for themselves and work out their own salvation. The working it out on my own really happened in college where I tried out different churches and definitely in Omaha. It took me a few years to find my church and I still love that Church to this day! I think spending my childhood in the church has made church home for me. Everywhere I go, I can go home. I thought going to college would cause me to be all "I don't have to go because my mom isn't making me" and the exact opposite happened. I went to church all the time in college cause I wanted to go home.

Psalm 22:26

The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord—they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!

They who seek....Lord knows I'm a seeker. I have no greater need that God. Everything I do is about the relationship I have with Him. I need Him all the time. One of my favorite hymns of the old church starts with "I need thee, Oh I need Thee. Every hour I need thee."  You talk about an earnest prayer?!?!?! That right there is one for me.  My other favorite saying is "Father I stretch my hand to thee. No other help do I know" because its the absolute bottom line truth.

Psalm 24:6

This is the generation [description] of those who seek Him [who inquire of and for Him and of necessity require Him], who seek Your face, [O God of] Jacob. 

I hope this for my generation. It is my prayer that my generation be a generation of prayer and supplication unto God. I don't feel that way but I want for everyone to know God. This relationship enhances every other relationship I have because it helps me see you through a lens of love. God loves you just like He loves me and I should treat everyone accordingly. Moreover, my behavior and moral compass are steeped and rooted in the Word of God. I realize you can be a "good" person without religion but I don't want to be good. I want to be righteous.

Psalm 25:14

The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning

The Lord is ever present with me. His presence never leaves me. Even when I can't see my way clear, He's there. My worship helps me see Him more clearly because He's always near. The thing about God is that not only is He near but He's right here. He's within me guiding my every step. He is my soul's deepest love. The other thing I love about the Lord is that He does reveal deeper meaning to me for things. I know that can seem creepy to some but its so soothing to me. When things don't look like they will be or should be, He renew my faith. That belief in things that have no evidence has carried me through many spaces that looked uninhabitable. Sometimes, He tells me about other people and sometimes revelation is just for me. Right now I'm walking and believing in promises no one has seen come to pass but God has set it upon my heart that this is and will be. The ways in which He's built my faith and then tested it have been astounding. "Do you believe me for this? Would you give this up for me?" have been two huge questions I've been asked in a multitude of areas throughout my life. All things not somethings, Phil.

Psalm 25:2-21

O keep me, Lord, and deliver me; let me not be ashamed or disappointed, for my trustand my refuge are in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for and expect You.

Let the things you bring me not disappoint me. That's big. As a mere human I can't possibly see that the things He does give me are so much better than the things I've asked for. That's why intention is so important in prayer for me. I've prayed for many things by name and I've received them by description. What sustains me in my belief is not only evidence through looking at what He has given me but also looking back at the thing I said I wanted and seeing how it could have been detrimental to me. I've been very strict with myself as far as behavior goes for a long time but in my relationship with the Lord, especially after I walked into who I am in totality, I've found great freedom in my uprightness. The manner in which I go about different things, the standards I demand let me continue to stand in the glory of the Lord as opposed to hiding from Him. I find that my integrity allows me not to feel ashamed because I've done nothing shameful. I walk into worship, face lifted up to God because He gives me such peace. You know how people say "If I'd known I would have done things differently." I think that too sometimes but I know that the way I let my faith inform my behavior keeps me open and vulnerable to God and pleasing in His sight. I just want to be pleasing to my God. The way I feel I have to do that is unique to me but its also beautiful. Its also purifying. Its an act of worship.

Oh My Soul

Last night...oh last night. Interesting. Still seeking truth. Desperately seeking truth from Him.

Psalm 16:5-9,11

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure.
 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I feel sure of very few things and that's something I crave. I've always craved security. Its why I have so few friendships. I need to be able to check up on all of them to insure  they're all good. I can't have so many that I'm not able to keep tabs on them. 

God. 

God is the one thing that's I've always been sure of. 

He is. 

He just is. 

God hasn't always given me the things I've asked for but he's definitely given me an inheritance I never could have foreseen. Things I didn't even know I wanted I have. Things I didn't have the words to pray for are now mine. Degrees I wasn't sure I would get, situations I wasn't sure I could live through: God has been my perpetual counsel. I seek Him constantly. I'm always checking in with Him. I do find that bookending my days with the Bible and then writing about how I feel about it in the morning  is vital. Its like therapy I didn't know I needed. 

Keeping my focus on God has allowed me so much freedom. I find that I'm much better at avoiding deep sea diving in my feelings because I'm so lost in worship that I don't have time. I also don't want to leave worship. Worship is my life blood. I love to be in the space where God meets me and let's me attempt feebly to tell Him how I love Him. In the space of worship, I'm so sure about so much.

The Lord is directing me and guiding me. Everything that should be added will be and the things that aren't weren't supposed to be. I walk in that truth al the time. I'm praying to know before things happen and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. What I do have is His presence in my life and that brings me indescribable joy. 

Psalm 17:15

As for me, I will continue beholding Your face in righteousness (rightness, justice, and right standing with You); I shall be fully satisfied, when I awake [to find myself] beholding Your form [and having sweet communion with You].

Lord, I look to you. No other help do I know. I continue to look for you because in you I have found everything I've ever thought I needed and more. Though I'm not quite ready to leave this life, the glimpses I've had of you are not describable. You're more than I can hold in my mind and I know that I will bask in your presence in the life to come. Draw to me Jesus. My heart is a home for you to dwell in. 

Psalm 18:2,6

The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I will trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my High Tower.
 In my distress [when seemingly closed in] I called upon the Lord and cried to my God; He heard my voice out of His temple (heavenly dwelling place), and my cry came before Him, into His [very] ears.

The names of the Lord are many. He is all these things and more. He's my friend, my confidante, my brother, my way maker. He's all these things and most importantly my savior. He saved my soul with His life. I will always find Him the safest place to ever exist. He wants the best for me and has demonstrated that time and time again. He has proven Himself true. If He never did another thing for me, that would be alright because He's done so much for me. There's nothing special about me but He thinks so. He thinks I'm to die for. He sees me through the spilt blood of His son Jesus which makes me clean, perfect, and acceptable in the sight of His Holiness. Nothing I've done could have ever earned me this favor or blessing that I call this relationship with me. He so wanted my heart that He made a way for the veil to be torn and for me to be able to access Him for myself. I love the Lord. I'm so thankful that I can go before His throne on my own. He hears me in the midnight hour and throughout the day. Even when He doesn't answer he hears me. Just knowing He's listening brings me great comfort. Little me has God's ear. Its astounding.

Psalm 18:23

I was upright before Him and blameless with Him, ever [on guard] to keep myself free from my sin and guilt.

This verse urges me to stay on the straight and narrow. The direction I've decided to walk in with my life is appropriate but there are confines within which I need to stay are that every decision be informed by my faith. I have to constantly be aware of the fact that just because someone says something is normal doesn't mean its something I'm called to. God has a purpose for me and I know when I'm going in the wrong direction. I need to stay close to Him to avoid missteps. 

Psalm 18:25

My behavior is important. I need to demonstrate the fruits of the spirit as you are a God who sees how we treat the rest of His creation. Just as Jesus would have died for me alone, He would have died for y'all too and I need to be mindful of that in my interactions with people. I'll admit I'm not a people person but I do try to remember that people are often going through a whole lot more than it seems they are on the surface. Lord knows I have been and little things have meant the world to me. 

With the kind and merciful You will show Yourself kind and merciful, with an upright man You will show Yourself upright,

Psalm 18:28

For You cause my lamp to be lighted and to shine; the Lord my God illumines my darkness.

The Lord is the light in my life. Without Him I have nothing and with Him everything. The places in me that aren't good He makes good. He makes me an example of His love and His grace by blessing me and my acknowledgment of Him in all things. Its always God. Its never ever me. 

Psalm 18:30,32

As for God, His way is perfect! The word of the Lord is tested and tried; He is a shield to all those who take refuge and put their trust in Him.

The God who girds me with strength and makes my way perfect?

God's way is perfect. I've found Him true over and over again. I trust Him, not because I should but because I have evidence. I have proof. And as a scientist and an intellectual, I need proof. The Lord knows I can't be ethereal in all things. I've got tangible evidence. Things the Lord has spoken to me have come to pass. The path hasn't been what I thought it would be but its been perfect for me. Moving back to NC sounded like complete nonsense but I got to train at a different church with a massive lighting board as a result! Who would have thought? Me and LP have the most fantastic relationship because of this move. A move I didn't want mind you. But remember All things, not some things. All thing work together for those that love the Lord. I wouldn't have chosen it but it was perfect. 

Psalm 19:9

The [reverent] fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the ordinances of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.

This was simple. God is and was and shall be. For me that's enough. There's no more I can ask for when being asked to place my trust in someone. Tomorrow, today and yesterday? You're going to stay for all of them. Okay, let's do this eternity today.

Psalm 19:14

 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my [firm, impenetrable] Rock and my Redeemer.

The benediction I've always loved. Its also a fervent prayer. Lord, let my heart which informs my mouth be acceptable. Let the things I utter have meaning and value. Find my intentions pleasing even when I'm clumsy in my execution. Lord, you know my heart. I'm striving to be more like you each and every day and I fail every day but your grace God. Your grace is so sufficient for my failings. Oh Lord, I'm trying. I'm trying and that's all you've asked.

Psalm 20:4

May He grant you according to your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans.

This is a hard one. Not because its hard but because my heart wants so much. So many things are my desires and most of them seem like they aren't going to come to pass. But you God, can make a way that no one could have foreseen. You can set things up and move in ways I never will understand. You've moved so many times to fulfill my heart's desire. When my committee wasn't sure you gave me excellent execution of my defense. Even before that, they thought I wasn't ready for my comprehensive and I smoked it. That was you God. It's always been you working through me. So Lord, you know what I want. You know what I'm after. You know my dedication and devotion to both you and my faith. You know I've been upright in my pursuit of the desires of my heart. If it be your will God, grant these my desires. Ultimately they will glorify you. I'm humbly beseeching you God because I know you can do all things. 

Psalm 20:9

O Lord, give victory; let the King answer us when we call.

When I've called before, you answered. You continue to answer. I'm still calling. You still hear me. Tell me what to do. Inform me.

More of You, Less of Me

I really feel like even though I have a great relationship with God I still need more. I'm still seeking Him. I still need better understanding. I'm not sure of much but I am sure that fasting and prayer are game changers. Absolutely sure.

Psalm 7:11

For the Lord is righteous,
    he loves justice;
    the upright will see his face.

Again the Lord is reassuring me that if I stay obedient to my faith and the understanding He's brought into my life about Him that I will have the pleasure of worshiping at His feet in heaven. He's also telling me He loves justice. For me the most significant synonym of justice is morality. Sometimes I've felt my morals have been a bit strict. The manner in which I go about things for the sake of my faith sometimes feels old or out dated. No one else I know of is pursuing a romantic relationship pleasing unto God through celibacy. Everyone else is in a situation where they don't have access to intimacy. I want to remain celibate until I am actually in a relationship that can hold the weight of sexual expression and I think that's marriage. I think sex is too powerful a creation from God, meant to bind people together, to be indulged in outside of serious and lasting commitment. 

Psalm 12:6

And the words of the Lord are flawless,
    like silver purified in a crucible,
    like gold[c] refined seven times.

I so needed this word. You know sometimes the Lord drops something in your spirit and you doubt it. Not because you doubt God, but I doubt that I heard clearly. That I'm interpreting correctly.  God has dropped unbelievable things on my heart and I've watched them happen. Just this past fall in October I felt like God was telling me Howard was for me. It was the only place that called. I interviewed there and I walked away feeling like God was telling me to "Say yes. Say yes because this is what I have for you" and I didn't quite know what to do with that but I told my mentor. (Me and my mentor, that's a blessing straight from above)  I told her and I also told her that I've got ties far far away from Howard and she was like if the process is right with the Lord then that prayer you've been praying and the feeling you've got sound like your answer.  God is clear if you'll believe Him and that exercise right there forces me to work that muscle of believing that I do hear clearly and that Lord is really making clear His intentions for me.

Psalm 13:5-6

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Oh Lord do I trust. So many times my trust in the Lord has been tested and tried. For me the big things are school since its my mind's favorite thing! And every time I've told the Lord where I wanted to go, He's had better. He's had better for me than I could ever have dreamed. I loved Nebraska but that wasn't where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to UNC. And then I got to go to both! I also got to be blessed to see my baby LP grow up into a boy. A boy who knows my voice when I go to his house even if he can't see me (He was supposed to be napping but he came out and asked Shannon if "Lise" was here and yes I swooned!) My relationships with everyone are deeper because I moved back. I also got to spend 4 years with my amazing grad school bestie who is saved, baptized, and married to a Christian! (God did that!) Those are the things I never could have foreseen had I gone to UNC. I also never would have met my college pastor's wife who loves me just the same after coming out to her. That's not the reception I got in North Carolina but this woman who knows how I love the Lord first still loves me. All of that is evidence that what God had for me is better than I can think or imagine. I also found confirmation that I need to be fasting secular music right here. I'd only been doing it 3 days but that 2nd verse is clear as water. I will sing. I will worship. I will continue to be open to God's urging.

Psalm 14:2

The Lord looks down from heaven
    on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
    any who seek God.

Again....seek Him! This reoccurring theme is so encouraging. Seek the Lord. He's looking to see who will seek after Him. You don't have to find Him but he wants to see your earnest plea for a closer relationship. And this....this I'm doing desperately. I need answers God. Inform me.

Just a Closer Walk with Thee

Last night I read a few chapters from Psalms and I wanted to really think about what they mean to me in this time of intercessory prayer.
Oh and yes, I'm on an intercessory prayer journey for someone I love like flesh of my flesh. Have you ever noticed that intercessory prayer requires an even greater devotion to God than when you're praying for yourself? Well for me it does. My goal is to write about the things God brings forth for me and maybe for anyone else reading this blog.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling Philippians 2:12


The first verse that really stopped out to me was Psalm 7:8.

 Let the Lord judge the peoples.
Vindicate me, Lord, according to my righteousness,
    according to my integrity, O Most High.


This verse can be interpreted in many ways but I love the idea that God is the only one that can judge me. According to my integrity and how I move through the world the Lord will judge who am and what I stand for. The finished work of the cross means that when He sees me He sees His son and that I am made perfect through the blood of the Lamb. My righteousness was bought at a high price and can be sure that when God looks at me He sees perfection.

My shield[d] is God Most High,
    who saves the upright in heart.

does This, the 10th verse in the same pericope, reminds me that God is my protector. God will fight my battles and protect me. Even when it seems that there is more than I can bear coming down on me, He ensures there isn't. I must trust Him because He isn't a man that He lies. I also know that God dwells in me constantly perfecting my heart to be more like Him. The indwelling of God in me is like the softest of voices urging me this way or that way, guiding me in the way He would have me to go. I am oh so grateful to constantly be in contact with my God.

From Psalms 8: 4-5

what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

You have made them[i] a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.

God thinks of you! YOU! You are on God's mind. You are crowned with glory and honor. You are a creation most precious to Him. This is what God thinks of you. Don't let anyone else tell you who you are when God so clearly tells you are precious to him. "What greater love is there that one lay down his life for his brother?" + "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life?"= No great love than that which God has already demonstrated for us. You're awesome girl. Jesus died that you could be right with the Father. Walk in that truth!

Psalm 9:10

Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

God is.
That's what this says to me.
He just is and He always will be and that's why you can trust Him. He's never not been. He just is. And I can personally testify to the fact that I've never been forsaken. And the key here is seek.
NOT FIND
Seek. You have to seek Him. He wants to see an honest demonstration of your desire to be in relationship with Him. You don't have to find Him. Just seek. And the more evidence you have of His faithfulness in the seeking the more you'll seek and the more you'll trust Him.

God is so faithful and so good. He wants you to seek Him and to know you're worthy of all the sacrifices He's made that you'd even have the opportunity to be in relationship with Him. The veil is torn. Approach the Lord your God boldly. Question Him. He'll answer, but the trick is you have to let go of everything you think you know and let Him inform you. I'm continuously working this out for myself but the revelations I've had through fasting and prayer would blow your mind. Try Him!

On my way

The Lord dropped a song in my spirit. An explanation of sorts. He also dropped some words in my spirit. I'm not ready to share any of it yet but let's just say He's so able and He's so worthy and I'm completely willing.

I'll do it God. I'll do your will.

Certain

The one thing I've always been certain of is God.
I've always known Him.
I've always believed in Him.
When I haven't gotten the desires of my heart, I've still believed in Him.

I've struggled in my faith when things I wanted that I thought were inherently good like not getting into medical school last year. Then I wondered if He really wanted me to have the things I wanted or if I was just a chess piece He moved around to do His will. I wondered where the part about the desires of MY heart being met were? However, I still believed. For many years, I've always felt like He could take me any time. I've always felt such freedom in that. (Now I just need to finish medical school, deliver 8,000 babies, train about 200 OB/GYN residents and then I'll be ready. <--Joking but I do believe that OB is me walking into my calling and I've got so much purpose there that it'll be a while before I see my Savior.) I've never been afraid of death because what greater experience is there to worship God in eternity? I've never been happier than in worship.
I love to worship.
Just writing the sentence brought tears to my eyes. 
I'm so grateful for worship.

I'm the kind of Christian that goes to bed clutching their Bible in times of need. Yes I have slept with my Bible.

In light of the Gospel and eternity, my PhD was about one soul. My best friend, a Chinese national, got saved and baptized after simply watching my Christian walk for 5 years. That humbles my heart so much. That some one could see Jesus in me enough to want Him for herself. That is quite literally enough to have made these years worth it. One soul for Christ. The host of angels rejoice over just one and my soul can hardly contain its joy.

 God is so faithful. He's so good. And He wants so much for us.

And yes....I'm still crying. 

Good morning!

Steps

Walk with me Lord, walk with me.
Walk with me Lord, walk with me.
While I'm on this tedious journey
I need Jesus to walk with me.

Be my friend Lord

Reckless Vibrations

If not unending commitment, love is...?

I write so much
all the time
I'm pouring out these feelings
these waves of vibrations that
run reckless through me

I'm
constantly processing
out loud
in my bones
flesh of my flesh
taken from my rib
an external manifestation of who I am
a being I love innately
because who looks at themselves
and finds themselves displeasing?
who looks at the work of God
and finds it less that perfect?

Consistently trying to
suss out the why and the how
the when and the what
Sick with devotion
over come with loss
losing things I'd just found
finding places I use to enter
and derive pleasure from
impenetrable
because in love, openness abounds
and in love reigned in, corralling is absolute

I had no idea this would close
not an actual door locked
but a space I find no desire to be in
despite its preparation
regardless of situation
I don't go there
because there was you
it was always about you
it was your named whispered softly at apexes
and low places
into pillows and aloud
and even if your name lands softly on my tongue
you don't
and I won't proceed

places I can see evidence of depth in
depths I can no longer plunge into to
the loss is palpable
the loss of you is tremendous
radical in the way it changes me
life altering
Commitments made
that need not persist
crafted in love and steeped in devotion
are a hard thing to undo
to unhave
to unsavor
to un

Things I wanted to give you
things I still want to give you
memories of dreams of a future
do not tease me
don't excavate the gemstones of
crowns I offered you
just to watch them sparkle in the sun
to consider them and toss them aside again

this
is cruelty

If you want to wear the crown
wear it
present yourself unto me
adorned in it alone
or don't

So many words tumble forth from my pen
from my mouth
from the wellspring of my heart
bubbling to the surface
finding refuge outside of me
because inside
in the middle of the center of who I am
they destroy me

Admittance

A ticket
a pass
a right to enter
spaces and places
no one had ever been before

Dwelling in the inner most sanctum of who I am
being privy to my feelings as I felt them
identifying my weaknesses
riding the waves of my emotions
treading the paths of tears that fell softly
and violently
skipping with joy
doubling over with laughter
contemplative
serious
much too serious most of the time

You use to come into me
into my person
my heart and mind
laid bare before you
nothing hidden
truth in its rarest
and rawest forms

I offered this to you
on a platter of devotion
garnished with affection
in a sauce made of commitment
With supplication

Dishes filled with hope
charity
protectiveness
vivacious audacity to believe we could have something
weighty
tangible
something that would be strong enough
foundational enough
to hold a promise of forever
a depth of sensuality
that walks hand in hand with everlasting loyalty
were placed before you

But now
nothing remains but a white table cloth
with a drop of this or that
here or there
The doorway now contains a door
The spaces now kept hidden
Places under lock and key
My heart no longer filleted open before you
My desire hidden away
Tucked behind the devotion

An offering can't be pieced apart
And this one was returned unto me void
The space you use to occupy isn't the same
You stand at the door and knock
I stand on the other side
Not knowing if I'll ever open it again

Richter Scale

I'd give you forever, a lifetime at a time.
But I'd never force you to take it.

Work Wife Duties

Yesterday, they induced my work husband's wife wife.
(That's what I call the women he's actually married to)

So what did that mean to me? Work wife duty called! I had planned to leave UNC around 4pm since I have an 80 mile commute BUT at 3:43 I started getting texts about his experiments...that had time points...that he couldn't do himself.

Duty calls!

I did two of his time points and stayed until 8ish. I missed all of the SOTU speech but sometimes its like that.

Now let me get my update from him about this baby's progress earth side...

Blankets

I want to sleep with you.
I mean sleep.
Together.
Under my blankets.
In my bed.
I want reach out and feel you there.
I want so very much and nothing at all simultaneously.

Oceans and Pools

Once
I
Loved a girl
A woman
a person who delighted me

Once I was in
Love with a girl
who was careless
or just oblivious
her touch awakening in me
things yet unseen
her words
worming their way into my
heart
her openness
opening me

Once I loved a girl
who realized far too late
that I was in love
and her simply loving
in way too deep
I found myself
in love with
someone who had allowed me into an ocean
with a gesture
a word
phrase
a lingering hug
a cuddle
spoons
when all she really wanted was a pool of feeling
not unchartered depth

Once I loved a girl
who I was to high off of
too close to the stars
weightless
and her too
or so I thought
so much value placed in things
moments
experiences
she doesn't remember
or does but acknowledges not

I was in love with a girl
who saw us
me
not like I saw her
who
categorized a year
a relationship
a love
as mere friendship

Once I loved a girl who I think
loved me too

A Father's Dream

This chick is fulfilling her father's dreams....

and her own!

Hey Med School!