Reckless Vibrations

If not unending commitment, love is...?

I write so much
all the time
I'm pouring out these feelings
these waves of vibrations that
run reckless through me

I'm
constantly processing
out loud
in my bones
flesh of my flesh
taken from my rib
an external manifestation of who I am
a being I love innately
because who looks at themselves
and finds themselves displeasing?
who looks at the work of God
and finds it less that perfect?

Consistently trying to
suss out the why and the how
the when and the what
Sick with devotion
over come with loss
losing things I'd just found
finding places I use to enter
and derive pleasure from
impenetrable
because in love, openness abounds
and in love reigned in, corralling is absolute

I had no idea this would close
not an actual door locked
but a space I find no desire to be in
despite its preparation
regardless of situation
I don't go there
because there was you
it was always about you
it was your named whispered softly at apexes
and low places
into pillows and aloud
and even if your name lands softly on my tongue
you don't
and I won't proceed

places I can see evidence of depth in
depths I can no longer plunge into to
the loss is palpable
the loss of you is tremendous
radical in the way it changes me
life altering
Commitments made
that need not persist
crafted in love and steeped in devotion
are a hard thing to undo
to unhave
to unsavor
to un

Things I wanted to give you
things I still want to give you
memories of dreams of a future
do not tease me
don't excavate the gemstones of
crowns I offered you
just to watch them sparkle in the sun
to consider them and toss them aside again

this
is cruelty

If you want to wear the crown
wear it
present yourself unto me
adorned in it alone
or don't

So many words tumble forth from my pen
from my mouth
from the wellspring of my heart
bubbling to the surface
finding refuge outside of me
because inside
in the middle of the center of who I am
they destroy me