I'd be on the 1st thing smokin....

You know....I was on the phone with a friend and I realized some things.

I realized that in the same non-life threatening situation, I'd come back to DC to see about B but I probably wouldn't do that for my own mother.

That's a hard truth to reconcile.
What makes that truth?
What makes that possible?
Didn't see take care of my all my life?
Wasn't she always there?

Yes, she did take care of me...financially.
But emotionally....that's what I needed and that's what she couldn't do.
You see she simply wasn't equipped.
I think she was and is doing the best she can but I needed more.

I needed someone to tell me  that I was good
that I was ok
that there wasn't anything wrong with me
that they needed me.

And my mom seems to be especially good at telling me what isn't right with me
and how I'm not ok.
She picks out my flaws with surgical precision
but I am a surgeon.
I can see them too.
I can dissect them too.
I don't need that from the outside.

I need an unconditional situation.
I need to be okay around you.
I need to know that when you touch me, it'll always be loving.
Not because of spanking but because of all the times you pinched my sides
and offered a comment unsolicited.

I need hugs
and laughter
and truth delivered with love
and to just be.

And the gratitude....
It oozes out of B.
I need to feel needed.
Whereas in other spaces its "why didn't you do this? or why didn't you think to do this?"

Its so many things about the environment around her
and its me.
Its how I feel around her.

Its knowing that I'd show up to see about B and she'd be happy to see me
and wouldn't find a flaw in me

And that same safety doesn't exist elsewhere.

So yea, I'll probably always come see about B.
B is B.
I'm safe in her presence so its her presence I'll seek.
That's the reconciliation.

Mentors and Weddings and Random Thoughts

My mentors have been so important to me for so long.

I think to honor their position in my life I'll have them listed in the program and seated prominently.

It'll be
the oldest members of the my family
My mentors
My mother

Then I'll be walking down the aisle.

I might have two of them lead some of the ceremonies I want at my wedding as well or read from the Bible. 

I want a hand fasting ceremony and a Native American blessing as well.

We shall see.

But I can't see myself getting married without them by my side.

And of course all of this assumes my mother is coming to my wedding. Her MOFO is strong so she probably will lol.

You never know.

I might end up getting walked down the aisle by my mentors so we shall see!

Below are the words for a handfasting tweaked to apply to me.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she promises to love you all the days of his life.

These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until she too, feels her child stir within you.

These are the hands that work to save lives, yet will be so gentle as they holds your baby for the first time.

These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family

These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind.

These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into her eyes: eyes that are filled completely with her overwhelming love and desire for you.

These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.

These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go

These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times

These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.

They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement and hope, each time that together we have created a new life.

These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

Dreams Made Real

Its the ways you keep showing up.....

I was sitting in the nursery at Howard and this day dream happened to me

I was walking into our hospital room and you were holding this baby,
our baby,
to your breast and I was awestruck

I was looking at houses and I saw you in the kitchen...then I saw me walking up behind you, putting my arms around you and getting on your nerves while you tried to cook.

I was playing the piano and you came up behind me and put your arms around me and said come to bed.

And then that living dream where you came to the hospital I could potentially train at
to pick something up from me
like any regular couple would when one person is on call and the other is at home

And I thought about all those regular weekends that that could happen.
How that could be our normal.
And how normal we would show so many people gay love can be.
Normal and extraordinary.
Every day and captivating.

I get in the car on my way to NC and there are so many times I wish the first door I was opening was the passenger's side door for you.

So many places I go that I wish you were with me.

And I try not to dream....I try not to get carried away. I shake my head to get these thoughts out of there.

But I think about the leaves changing
and driving up to your house, packing you a bag, and going to a bed and breakfast for the weekend.

All the memories my 4th year could hold as the foundation of a future together.

Foot rubs and lesson planning.

House hunting and baking for Pi day.

More hikes, more movies, more bachata.

Time is so precious and I'd like to give mine to you.

And I have to try.

I have to see if my dream could be our reality.

85%....

Sometimes I think a lot.

Ok all the time I think a lot.

Let me slide this to you real quick.

The math teacher right?

She told me a few weeks ago that she did two things: she prayed about who to be with and she made a pros and cons list.

I have two thoughts about that. 

1. You're telling me this and also telling me you haven't talked to anyone else about it. But you're talking to me about it. If you haven't talked to the girl you're with about it, then I have to ask you why you're more comfortable talking to me about your inner most thoughts and prayers than the person you're with? I'm just saying I want to be able to talk to my wife about everything and if I'm experiencing that kind of freedom somewhere else....I'd think about what that really means. 

2. You've been dating this girl for a while. 

Longer than you dated me. 

You talk to her more than you talk to me. 

You spend more time with her than you spend with me. 

If after all the time you've spent with her, she's indistinguishable from me then she's not making a solid enough impression. 

I would assume that with that much time together, she'd easily come out on top of a pros and cons list. 

Now I know I'm different.

I won't even call you my girlfriend without knowing that there's a 85% chance I'll ask you to marry me. Me wanting you to eventually be my wife is a condition for a relationship. I know that's not what most people do. 

But honestly, if you're more comfortable being transparent with me and in less time I've made an equal impression on you of how happy we could be together, I think you should consider that at face value. 

That's data. 

Good solid data that says to me that maybe you should see what dating me is like.

Yea I know I'm biased but I also think I've made some valid points here. This is just what's been rattling around in my head since that convo.

I'm just waiting for her to come do this thing with me so I can  take her on the interview trail so she can help me decide where we're going to live since I do want to ask her to be my girlfriend meaning that 85% thing is true for me currently. 

And no...I'm not kidding. 

The Sweeter It Is

No this isn't about the math teacher.

This is about my mentor.

The one who use to be so important to me had stricken herself from the roster of my heart. The one I chose back continues to show me why that was probably the best decision I made this academic year.

My ex-mentor promised to do something for me for my academic future months ago. Then this week. Then she backed out the day before I needed it.

I called the one I chose and she turned it around in less than 24 hours.


Also I had given her some space because she was overwhelmed and I promise you, she was singing my name when I walked in her office. We had dinner, we read some studies, we edited some reports, she drove me to my car, and I went home.

Let me tell you something.
You cannot know what you have unless you've had worse.
I've had worse.
I've had being blindsided by mood swings.
I've been stranded.
I've been heartbroken.

And now I know what its like to turn the corner and have someone be thrilled to see me.
To have someone have my back for real.
To have someone who is both my friend and my mentor.
To get picked up, dusted off, fed, and loved.

I am so unreservedly grateful for B in my life.
And even when we get on each others' nerves, which being around someone a lot will do to the most understanding of people, we come back to "Where is she?" sooner rather than later.

I love her.
I'm so glad I said yes when my heart was broken because she's the gold that put it back together.