You know....I was on the phone with a friend and I realized some things.
I realized that in the same non-life threatening situation, I'd come back to DC to see about B but I probably wouldn't do that for my own mother.
That's a hard truth to reconcile.
What makes that truth?
What makes that possible?
Didn't see take care of my all my life?
Wasn't she always there?
Yes, she did take care of me...financially.
But emotionally....that's what I needed and that's what she couldn't do.
You see she simply wasn't equipped.
I think she was and is doing the best she can but I needed more.
I needed someone to tell me that I was good
that I was ok
that there wasn't anything wrong with me
that they needed me.
And my mom seems to be especially good at telling me what isn't right with me
and how I'm not ok.
She picks out my flaws with surgical precision
but I am a surgeon.
I can see them too.
I can dissect them too.
I don't need that from the outside.
I need an unconditional situation.
I need to be okay around you.
I need to know that when you touch me, it'll always be loving.
Not because of spanking but because of all the times you pinched my sides
and offered a comment unsolicited.
I need hugs
and laughter
and truth delivered with love
and to just be.
And the gratitude....
It oozes out of B.
I need to feel needed.
Whereas in other spaces its "why didn't you do this? or why didn't you think to do this?"
Its so many things about the environment around her
and its me.
Its how I feel around her.
Its knowing that I'd show up to see about B and she'd be happy to see me
and wouldn't find a flaw in me
And that same safety doesn't exist elsewhere.
So yea, I'll probably always come see about B.
B is B.
I'm safe in her presence so its her presence I'll seek.
That's the reconciliation.
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