Join me...

I told her it wasn't going to work out.

I need time.

I couldn't just go from wanting to marry a girl I've loved for a decade and been in love with for 2 years to a whole new situation. 

I'd never even envisioned loving anyone but her so a whole section of my life is new.

I need time.

I need to get to a place where I actually feel like its possible for someone to be worth my effort.

Because right now, I know that my effort, my very best wasn't good enough and that makes me not want to try ever again.

I need to believe I'm actually good enough for someone to want to be with me.

I know that cognitively but I need to believe it, in the same way I believed before.

And I knew this was coming. The scripture was clear. And she did give me things, valuable things.

Ultimately, we had reached the end of that season.'

I need to get myself together so I can actually get married.

Cause that's happening. 

I know I've always acted as though that's not something I'm invested in, but I am.

I'm deeply invested in being married and scared to death that it'll never happen.

That's why I pretend it doesn't matter....because it really really matters but its not in my control.

So yea....there's some work to do. 

Join me on this journey. 

I'm definitely going to learn some things and maybe you'll learn something too.

A Gift

Maybe, He replaced her?

She's so much like her...different, truly different, but the same in many ways.

That platonic dynamic, that me and her had before we blurred the lines, I have that with her.

Maybe, God sent me a friend like her because He knew that if she didn't become my wife, she'd never be my friend again.

But her replacement?
She challenges me, spiritually and on my Blackness and on the way I operate.
She smart and guarded and loyal to a fault.
She's "Yo wassup" everyday, my everyday conversation.
She's the kind of person that makes many people say "You're friends with her?" because they don't see her in totality.

She's my friend.
And I think she's a gift.

I Told Her

that she should keep her options open dating wise.

I'm just not there.
And I realize that most people who know me will be disappointed.
But up and until February, I was sure I was going to marry a girl I'd loved for years.
And then she got engaged.

And my whole world didn't turn upside down but in some areas it did.

I'm just not ready to think of anyone in that way.
And the girl I'm dating is a great girl.
But I'm not ready.
And I don't know when I will be.

Are You Enough?

It is one of my top priorities in my future marriage to be with someone who makes me want to come home everyday because honestly....

I love hospitals.
I love Labor and Delivery.
I love solving complex problems and helping folks get from where they are to where they want to be.

I need to want to be around you bad enough to leave a place I love and thrive in.
That's a tall order.

One Day.....

You're beautiful
in all the right ways.
I'm sure I said this before
I look in your eyes and
I can't deny it
somehow I never loved you more.
Its like my life just started over,
but there's one thing for sure....

Today I fell in love with you all over again,
Just like the very first time that you touched my skin.
So caught up in this moment I don't want it to end,
my lover,
my friend.
With you I win.
how could I love you more?
I couldn't love you more.

I'm not dreaming
I guess its real then.
Cause we are standing here.
So full of words but
where do I begin?
I'm trying to hold back these tears.
Its like my life just started over,
and I've turned back the years.

Today I fell in love with you all over again,
Just like the very first time that you touched my skin.
So caught up in this moment I don't want it to end,
my lover,
my friend.
With you I win.
how could I love you more?
I couldn't love you more.

Today it feels like something new,
just like the sweetest deja vu.
And I'm so glad I found you.
You're the one I turn to.
You and I,
forever.

Today I fell in love with you all over again,
Just like the very first time that you touched my skin.
So caught up in this moment I don't want it to end,
my lover,
my friend.
With you I win.
how could I love you more?
I couldn't love you more.

I want this to be sung live at my wedding. 

I want this to be how I feel that day.