I'm Really Nobody

So I was sitting in the resident room...as is my custom.

When the census in L&D is low, the residents leave me in there and they go to on call rooms. So yea, I looked like I'd been there all night. Anyway, its me and the night call residents sitting around.

I was also wearing my nifty new L&D fleece that says

Philise, PhD
HU College of Medicine

L&D

So now that you've got context, let me tell you what happened.

This 4th year, who I'd never met, walked in and let me tell you what happened!

She introduced herself to me.

TO ME!

Girl WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!?

I'm legit no one sis.
I'm just here enough to have an insane level of familiarity with the residents and the OB faculty.
Its weird I know. But I think its because my mentor is the most senior faculty member in OB so unless he says something, I guess no one will. And I've been diligent enough and proved myself to be smart enough to be around all the time. Also, I think they genuinely like me :-)

Anyway....I was so floored.

Legit.

Anyway...  I just had to share this story because I'm still over here like

What?!?!?

and its been 24 smooth hours!

The Heart Speaks

This song blessed me so much.
It was a part of this weekend's mountain of tender loving care from my Father above.
He's so good to me.
He knows the kid.
He knew I was going to struggle and He turned what I felt was sometimes like a punishment into an opportunity.
I love how He helps me reshape my thinking around what He's doing in my life.

Yes...

I still have to say 
Yes
No matter the test or the trial 
that I have faced
Help me to say 
Yes

Help me to say Yes 

Still say Yes
Say Yes

Each and every day, this is my prayer.

Another Level

God said it, I believe it.

These are the literal lyrics that were being sung as I walked into the sanctuary. This entire day was a living confirmation so let's get into it!

Pastor's message came from 2 Kings 22:1-2, 8, 10,11, 23:1-3


Josiah was eight years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem thirty-one years. His mother’s name was Jedidah daughter of Adaiah; she was from Bozkath. 2 He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and followed completely the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left.

Hilkiah the high priest said to Shaphan the secretary, “I have found the Book of the Law in the temple of the Lord.” He gave it to Shaphan, who read it.

 Then Shaphan the secretary informed the king, “Hilkiah the priest has given me a book.” And Shaphan read from it in the presence of the king.

When the king heard the words of the Book of the Law, he tore his robes.

Then the king called together all the elders of Judah and Jerusalem. 2 He went up to the temple of the Lord with the people of Judah, the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the priests and the prophets—all the people from the least to the greatest. He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the Lord. 3 The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord—to follow the Lord and keep his commands, statutes and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, thus confirming the words of the covenant written in this book. Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant.


Josiah was one of many kings but he was a good king. Prior to him, the nation of Judah was essentially awful. Josiah knew that if he kept doing what his father and grandfather had done, his people would be destroyed. 

Josiah decides to lead a reform and a revival. Both of those things started in his heart. He is one of the greatest spiritual reformers in the Bible and it happened because of a change in his own life. 

Josiah's reforms: the revitalization of worship and a rediscovery of the power of the Word of God.

The first 10 years of his reign, Josiah's handlers taught him about the history of the country, governing, and the faith of his ancestors. He made a critical decision to restore the temple and revitalize worship.

Everything Josiah does is about taking God from the background to the foreground. Its all about restoring relationship with God.

I try really hard to live my life like this. I try to put God first in the things I do and say but I don't always succeed. God usually handles me about that. But its hard. Sometimes I want to do whatever but I've learned that "no" keeps me safe. "No" keeps me from heartache. I'm definitely a super sensitive person and I need God to be my strong tower and that means no often times. Even when it's hard to hear that no, I know its because He loves me. 

God had to be first and not last for Josiah to do what he went on to do. He decided he needed God for himself.  The first step Josiah took was to worship God.

AW Tozer said "Without worship we go about miserable."

Jack Hayford said Worship changes the worshipper into the one being worshiped. 

As a human, you were created to worship. Something shifts on the inside of you because of worship. You can testify that if people are talking about being cured and being delivered that God is in the neighborhood. Your miracle is in the atmosphere.
 You may not know how or when but you should believe  it in your spirit that you're next in line!

Can I tell you this is how I've been feeling!!! There's something about worship that's so transformative. I can literally begrudgingly go into worship and come out :-) 
But also... I've just had this feeling lately. Like something is changing. In our congregation we had someone cured stomach cancer, someone who's sugars were high enough to be hospitalized outside the country and unable to leave and they're down to 120 this am....clearly my miracle is somewhere close!!!!

I've also settled into this year of medical school so well. Its sooooooooo much easier this year. I'm so much more confident this year. I'm not afraid of being stumped nearly as often and I think that's not only learning but also the time I get to spend in the hospital. Shout out to my awesome mentors who have let me become "Dr" to my fellow classmates because I'm always here. Always seeing patients. Always doing the most. Even my chief resident was like "Your life is the most."

What I love about God though is that its been so subtle. I've almost not noticed it. This blog keeps me abreast of how I'm actually feeling about stuff and how its changed. I went back and read about wanting to go to Oregon and now that all sounds like "Yea that would be cute but my heart's desire, my prayers, and my faith aren't leading me there. They're leading me South."

Josiah lead a rival in Judah and it started with realizing how important worship is. Unfortunately, worship is incomplete without the Word. 

For 8 years, He focused on restoring the temple and committed himself to worship. One day, a book was found. The high priest discovered that it was the law of God. For 75 years, they had been without the Word. 

Let me stop you right here! 75 years without the WORD?!?!?! I couldn't. 
I can't. 
I'd be so unable. 
Being that I have the Word, I'll never let it go. I mean I'm lost without my Bible. I'm so dependent. Its the main way God communicates with me so I've got to have. 
Got to.

It was the Word and discernment of the Word that turned things around for Josiah.

Before they had revival but not revelation. You can want to do the right thing but not know how to do it.  They had been going to worship all that time but didn't know that the promises of God were right there.  I can't imagine knowing she's supposed to be my wife and not having all the promises God's given me through the Word. I'd have no assurances. I'd really have no faith in it happening at all without the Word.

He had been missing out on the benefits and promises of God. He didn't realize he had missed out on so many of the benefits.

Of note, God preserved and protected Josiah throughout his life in response to Josiah's faithfulness to worship.

A lot of Christians don't come to church for the Word. They come to see all kinds of things other than the Word. There are so many promises and benefits in the Word that you won't know if you aren't IN YOUR WORD!!!!! 

God has made help available to you if you will access the Word. If you need hope, peace, joy, self esteem, your breakhrough, direction...its in the Word.

God has given us everything we need in the Word.
Everything.

The Word turned his life around, protected him, and positioned him for prosperity. 

In addition to worship, Josiah committed himself to corporate and personal Bible study. He was a forerunner if knowing God's Word and keeping it. He was also a forerunner of appointing women to study the Word. He appointed 4 people to study the Word and one of them was a woman.  I love that he saw the value in women. Women are the one's upholding the US Constitution in courts of law across our nation right now. If you need something done correctly the first time, ask a woman.

John 5:39 
You study[a] the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me,

2 Timothy 2:15
Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.

 2 Timothy 3:16

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

You have to have the Word inside of You. You have to know it for yourself. This is why I also love John 1:1 which is the other post from today that I realized tied directly in! I love when God does that. Like I said.... a whole day of confirmation of the things He's going to do or already moving in. I just wish I could be less worried on a regular basis but I'm a human after all. 

The Word talks about how to do lots of things. Of note, the Word talks about how to treat immigrants and foreigners. Knowing the Bible would prevent the nonsense in the government if these people were actually Christians.

Worldly possession can't give you joy. When there's a Word with your name on it, nothing can stand in the way of it. And joy is inevitable with the Word.

Weeping might endure for a night but if you can hold on until 12:01 am......

Paul said Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. 

Muslims Welcome

I've been crying on and off.

Yesterday, I burst into tears when I heard that dump was banning Muslims and specifically Syrians indefinitely.

Did we forget the St. Louis? The ship full of Jews, 900ish Jews, that the US wouldn't let dock here after they sailed from Europe to escape Nazi Germany.
The ship full of Jews the US sent back to their death by refusing to accept these refugees onto our soil.
Blood still stains our hands from that and now the US government has decided to ban the Syrians?!?!?!
Seriously.

A few years ago I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His and this was definitely a testament to that prayer.

I'm trying not to cry right now. This is such insanity.

And one would think kids would be able to come right? No. A House GOP and Senate Democrat sponsored a bill around WWII to let in Jewish children under 14 and that failed in Congress.

Congress voted AGAINST letting in the children.

So Congress has done nothing historically for child refugees.
Nothing for children murdered by gun violence.
And when Obama wanted to go into Syria after they started using chemical warfare on their own people, Congress told him they wouldn't back him. THAT is why he didn't go. He wanted to go. Congress said no.

I'm so unbelievably embarrassed by the president right now. He is unAmerican.

I really love the response of my fellow Americans.

The Americans at the airports represent the best of us.
This is who America is.
I, too, am America.

Luke 12:34

I've made a decision.

Its a bold one.

But I think its important.

I'm going to try and start saving some money.

Yup...this is huge.

Why?

I'm terrible with money.

But I need to try.

I thought about that fact that I'm always writing about how much I love her and that I feel we will be together but I haven't actually put anything towards that in an earthly way.

Luke 12:34 says For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

And we already know where my heart is.

Prayer: check
Fasting: check
Money: no check (you like that joke there don't cha!)

When you know someone's the one, there is no I'm not ready yet.

You step up.

You get ready. 

When you know someone's the one, there is no one else.

No one else I could see myself spending my life with

walking through highs and lows with

holding my hand while we make a family

waking up to on Thanksgiving

knowing unequivocally 

that she is what I'm most grateful for. 

When you know someone's the one,

that's it.

So I'm going to start saving money because if you want to eventually ask a girl to marry you...you're going to need

a ring.

(The ring pictured is NOT the ring I want to get her. )

Also, shout out to God for being like "you're giving me all this spiritual and nothing tangible! Do something she can see." He will definitely come at me if He wants me to do something. Believe that!

Thanks to my dad, I'm finally out of credit card debt completely which is basically the equivalent of him giving me a few thousand towards an engagement ring. What's funny is I think if I went to him down the road and I was ready to propose, he'd probably match whatever I've saved. He's evolving y'all.

And just for my regulars, nothing has changed but I want to be in a posture of not only believing but preparing.

729 days and counting.....

Wife

I will only marry a woman that is okay with me being obsessed with her.
She has to accept that she is my muse.
I need a woman of passion who is okay with a woman of vulnerability.
I need a woman who will drop everything to catch my soul
She needs to be okay with me getting up in the middle of the night to leave her poetry in the frig.
She needs to be ready to receive an unlimited live;she does not deserve to be half loved anymore
the woman I will marry is one who will acquire y pass, my soul, and my commitment.
Love is not a game.
Love is life.

~Sylvester McNutt III

I saw this and I thought....yea.
That's the kind of extravagant love I feel for her.
This is why I can say yes to forever.

My wife's in the dress. I'm the chocolatey one :-)

2 Years Later, I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if she still reads my blog...
If she thinks about me
If she knows I still care for her as deeply as ever
That my heart longs for home

Sometimes I wonder if she knows I still pray for her
about her
That I still hear from God about her
That I still whole heartedly believe that we will be together

Sometimes...

And every once and a while
I think about how in the world God's going to do this thing?
How is He going to get the Glory?

How's He going to show her that
I was the conduit for the message
not the author?
I don't have that answer.
Maybe He's already shown her.
Maybe she already knows.

But I do know
God meets you where you are
as you are
and tells you what you need to know
in the way you can receive it.
I know that He's never given me instruction
without the power to walk in it.

These days without her
some of the most trying days of my time here
He's continued to fuel the fire He lit in me
the one that drives me to my knees saying
Bless her and keep her
Shine Your face upon her and give her joy
The fire that always sees the best in her
desires the best for her
and loves her in ways that tell me
love is supernatural
Again a conduit
for His love towards her

So I'm going to run on
Press on
Cry and pray and cry some more

I'm going to believe because every time skepticism sneaks in
Every time "this seems impossible" passes through my mind
When "she's not by my side" tries to become "she'll never be by my side"
He sends me His words
because that's our thing
And simmering just under the surface of that scripture
He always says
Trust me

Making Education a Priority

The President of Howard is lecturing to us for 3 hours during this block.
3 hours.
The man is making time to come down the hill and lecture because he's a GI surgeon and these are his lectures as a part of the medical school faculty. He also lectures in the intern readiness course for 4th years.
I guess since he's got so much free time running our entire university he figured he'd give some to us....NOT. They rearranged his schedule and ours to make this work but they made it happen because he wanted to lecture. (Insider info from the curriculum committee)

I LOVE that kind of commitment.
I really do.
Even if I become the residency program director or the Chair of OB/GYN at some Medical Center, I want to still be the kind of physician scientist that makes it my business to teach the OB/GYN pathophysiology lectures.
I want to lead a department that, much like the President's office, understands that education is a priority for their leader and that my schedule should be made accordingly.


You know the man still operates?
He did 3 surgeries last week.

President Fredrick is rockstar!
I hope to lead and practice one day with the same fervor that he does.

          

Lesbian

I name myself “lesbian” because this culture oppresses, silences, and destroys lesbians, even lesbians who do don’t call themselves “lesbians.” 
I name myself “lesbian” because I want to be visible to other black lesbians. 
I name myself “lesbian” because I do not subscribe to predatory/institutionalized heterosexuality. 
I name myself lesbian because I want to be with women (and they don’t all have to call themselves “lesbians”). 
I name myself “lesbian” because it is part of my vision. 
I name myself lesbian because being woman-identified has kept me sane. 
I call myself “Black,” too, because Black is my perspective, my aesthetic, my politics, my vision, my sanity. 
(“New Notes on Lesbianism” 1983)

I saw this in an anthology and thought...this is what I want to say. In light of the new administration, I feel like visibility is more important than it was before. Its easy to be visible when everyone loves you. Not so easy when the VP thinks that people like you should be electrocuted.

I'm very visible in my life.
I think its important. I always have. 
When I was engaged in being an ally, I had a shirt that said "Gay? Fine by me" and matching suede New Balances (yea...it was a while ago lol)

But now... I think visibility is so important in light of the potential for the government to try very hard to take rights away from people like me. 

What I've learned is that people fear what they don't know. If you don't know a gay person, you may think of me as all these negatives.

There's nothing like having a person know you, like you, enjoy your company, and then have to reconcile what they believe about homosexuality with the person they actually know. 

My young adult pastor's wife actually told me that she was going to have to go pray about homosexuality after I came out to her because she "knows I know God is a deep in powerful way so if you feel this is true for you, I need to wrap my mind around it."

That's change. 
That's what being visible can do. 

So yea, I will be bold. 

I will still be visible because the more people who realize that a gay person is really important to them, that a gay person believes in marriage in the very same or, as is often the case with me, a more profound way than they do they will stand up for our rights with us.

People need people. 
So yes, I'm a Black girl. 
I'm a friend.
I'm a daughter.
I'm a student and a teacher.
I'm a scientist.
I'm a sister.
I'm an alumni.
I'm a devout Christian.
I'm a PhD.
I'm a god mom.
I'm a lesbian.
I'm all of these things all the time.
Accept me in the totality of who God made me to be.
My presence is a gift.

Phone Call

My phone rang at 12:50.

I just started playing a worship song.

My friend called because her boyfriend lost someone and she wants me to pray for him.

She also said "If you wanna throw me up too, that cool."

I was like "Why are you calling me though?"

She said "When you find out someone really prays, the way I know you pray, you seek them out for sure."

That's a awesome compliment because I do try to live the way I write.

She went on to talk about how I seem to have a profound understanding of what love is, what prayer can do, and what marriage means. She said knowing me makes her want to be a better partner.

Ain't He good? This particular friend isn't all the way sure that she believes in gay marriage but she can look at me, at the situation I'm walking through, and say "I know she knows Him."

That's one of the things God told me He wants my life to do: show people that homosexuality doesn't hinder my intimacy with Him. Show people that you can be both gay and devoutly religious.

Glad to see its coming across so well lol.

Let me get this worship in so I can go to the throne room.

Shalom

H

Got my first H on a lecture exam!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It would be fitting that when OB/GYN finally comes around, I shined!

Now I just need to get an H in this class overall :-)

Life

Have you ever been in a dry place?

Couldn't show it on your face

and you'd cry inside

"Lord tell me why?"

That relationship now broken

So many hurts unspoken

And you'd die inside

"Lord, tell me why?"

Night after night you pray

Still nothing seems to ever change

Remember God's Word is true

He knows the plans He has for you

By faith, this is what you must do

Just speak life to it

Just speak life through it

Knowing God's not a man

That He should lie

Just hold on to it

Just go on through it

To every dry bone in your valley

Just speak life

Oh Sasha

Having a good relationship with you PhD advisor is essential to actually getting your PhD.

My time in Kabanov Lab was amazing.
My advisor, though incredibly busy, was exactly the kind if advisor I needed.
I'll also say I'm the kind of student he needed.

Today, he reposted my new profile picture on facebook and wrote

Philise, for you being my first African American PhD graduate trainee I thank you again for this inspirational image. It made me reflect more on the presidency of Barak Obama. Historians and political scientists for many years to come will analyze and argue about his successes and failures as they always do. But at the end it all will be seen as a great success. I am absolutely convinced that if our Nation survives and prospers for centuries (which I hope it will) President Obama will be viewed as a great American President of Lincolnian proportion. And it is not so much because he was the first African American President, but to a great extent due to the exceptional virtues - dignity, grace, eloquence, patience, thoughtfulness, education - he and the First Lady have demonstrated. This sum of the great virtues that any Presidency I know has yet to match. God bless.

What's most significant about this is that my boss had never successfully graduated an American before I graduated. He felt like a failure because of it. He said as much. So he needed me just like I needed him. And even when it was hard and I wasn't sure I'd ever get to PhD candidacy, I never for one second thought the man wasn't trying to make me a better scientist.

I defended in 2014.

The man is still smitten in 2017.

I'd say mission accomplished. 

A Bridge

You know God showed me something I'd never really thought about concerning this whole doctoring thing.

I hadn't really thought about it from the perspective of the patient, especially the critical patient.

You walk in.
You take charge.
You're saying all these words they don't understand.

Now is the point where a few things can happen...

They live/are okay and they think its because of you. This was what God really impressed upon me. "They think its you when its Me." Patients will think it was my expertise, the studying I've done, the knowledge I've gained but I'm just a bridge...from where the patient is to where God is. Now obviously I had to do a lot of work to be able to be that bridge but that's all I will be.

I'm a bridge.

They aren't okay but eventually are and its still God. I've done all I can as a bridge so God's going to have to carry you the rest of the way. This is a point wherein I can point out "That was God!"

They aren't okay and this is the hardest part because that's still God. And I hope they can see that too.

I also think about how a person really becomes a whole person when they exit the womb and there I stand on the other side, on the Earth side, ready to receive them. Insuring their passage here is smooth and that they have someone to nurture them once they get out (aka taking care of momma).

God,

Order my steps as I endeavor to study and show myself approved. I've never been as happy as I am right now on a consistent basis and I know that's because this work is exactly what you designed me to do. Lord, let me not forget how difficult it was to get here and how much you've entrusted in me even as a bridge. To be the thing people see, visible where You're invisible, let me never forget that its You. Its always You. Even if I use my hands, its the knowledge You've allowed me to understand and sometimes the prayers I'm sure I'll pray in the OR. Let me always remain in awe of your most prized creation. You went to the cross for each and every patient I'll ever have. You love them dearly. Let me never lose sight of that even when I've been awake 24 hours. Help me remember that they are someone's mother, sister, friend, daughter, or aunt and that they deserve the best I can give them. Lord this calling is weighty but being in my calling is light. I'm so grateful to be what people see and thankful that I've been through enough to realize its never me and always You.
I love You.

Philise

All the Way Back

There are certain things you just know about a person.

Like I know my love loves where she's from.
I realize she isn't leaving that place.

When I was entirely unfocused on what I know to be true, I entertained a ton of different places to live. I wanted to move across the country. I figured if I wasn't going to be with the woman I love, I could at least lead an interesting life and live interesting places.

Can I tell you that God will change all of that?
And not in an obvious way but subtly, gently
He'll move you in a different direction.

I can't remember the last time I looked at houses in Portland, Oregon.
It use to be all I did.
I sent them to my sister until my entire family was like WTF for wanting to go so far.
I can't remember the last time I looked anywhere across the Mississippi.

I can tell you the last time I looked where she lives: this morning.

And see I never made a conscious effort to stop wanting to run, to stop wanting to explore.
I never did.
God simply reminded me how much I love home and home...isn't moving to Oregon.

A few months back when I initially wrote about wanting to go away,
I wrote that if I was with her she'd never have had to ask me to stay.
She was enough.
Enough to ground me in a physical location because when I was with her it was like flying,
like liberation.
It wouldn't have even cross my mind to go that far from her.

And now
even though nothing is happening that I can see, I feel like....
like I should take a serious look at staying.
I feel like there might be a reason to stay.
God's doing something in me that makes me feel like staying.
He states plainly that He doesn't go back on His Word.
He states plainly that He will be the difference in this situation.
And I trust Him.

I've trusted Him for as long as I can remember.
I was in middle school when my great grandmother died and that was the first time I heard His voice. I was in bed crying about how I missed her and I loved her and He said to me
"I love her more."
I'd never heard the voice of God before but what He said to me and everything my middle school brain knew about Him told me that was true.
He did love her more.
And my young understanding of love and God meant that He'd done what was best for her.
And it told me that He really did hear me.
Middle school is when I started trusting Him.

So I'm going to look at houses where she's from.
And I'm going to look at houses in the South.
Because I've got a feeling backed up by scripture.
Because somewhere in me,
I still believe.
I want to go home.

Ephesians 3:20

The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. 

Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.


Alain Botton

These are from the article "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person."



I read this and I thought of her.
I thought of all the things I've said I want with her.
I thought of all the different ways I've told her.
Was I too steady? 
Too mature? 
Too vunerable?
Too religious? 
Too open?
Was I too much of exactly what she'd always dreamed someone would offer her?
So much so that she didn't think she deserved it?
Didn't deserve someone she'd described as "already a good wife?"
I've written quite a bit about the idea of deserving lately but can I offer this?
Everyone deserves to have their wildest dreams come true.
Everyone deserved to be loved out loud.
Everyone deserves a phenomenal spouse.
Everyone deserves a dynamic vibrant marriage.
The question isn't do you deserve it.
Its are you audacious?
Are you audacious enough to grab hold of your dream with both hands when reality tells you that you no longer have to sleep to be in your dream?
Are you willing to live a life far beyond what you've even conceived of as possible?

Today, I don't think that. 
I don't think I was too anything.
Here's why: I actually asked God what about me made me good for her.
I asked Him and He said it was those exact things...
love that casts out fear
a vision for marriage
my faith
He's been making me exactly who He wants me to be for her.

I don't know what she thinks. 
She's this person I know so well and yet she remains a mystery. 
But what I do know is I'm right for her in all the ways that matter.
And it is my prayer that one day we can go from silence to conversation, 
conversation to planning, 
and planning to watching from the altar as the church doors open and she's standing on the other side in white. 

Could she marry the wrong person?
Absolutely.
Could she be happy?
Absolutely.
But the friend in me
the lover in me
We pray she won't. 
We hope she won't.
We still believe she won't.
We want more than happiness for her.
She can conceptualize happiness. 
We want her to have what God says she deserves.
We want her to have more than she can see or imagine.