I Know the Lord Will Make a Way

Last night I was talking to one of my mentors and we were talking about how God doesn't need any help from us and its so true. The creator doesn't need anything from me. He may require an exercise of faith but that's for me to build my relationship with Him. He isn't relying on my prayers or fasting to move. He can do anything He wants whenever He wants. If its His will, He can move mountains, bring you from Namibia to DC, or cause you to be with child despite what the odds looked like. God, who stepped out on nothing and created everything, can do anything without a single prayer or thought from me. The actions I go through draw me closer to Him, but that's for relationship not for action.
God is.
God can.
God will.
God does.

Psalm 121: 2-3

My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip or to be moved; He Who keeps you will not slumber.

I'm going to tell you that I didn't look at the passage I was about to write about before I just copied and pasted it. I love how God will do that. How you'll have something on your spirit and then He'll drop that verse right in your life. He's so God that way. The truth though is that my help only comes from the Lord. On so many occasions, I've been in desperate need of Him and He's always on time. My latest conversations come into mind when I think about God. You know when someone is placed right there in your life for you to get it together and you know its God? I've felt like that deep within me the last few days. Some people are literally your ram in the bush. God hasn't let me go yet and He's not about to. God's not about that life. He's so faithful and always on time. 

Psalm 122:1

I was glad when they said to me, Let us go to the house of the Lord!

I love worship. That's obvious. But you know what God did for me in college? He have me a love for going to church. I was not a child who liked to go to church. I was great once I got that but I never wanted to go. I went to college and quite literally, the only place I felt at home was church. Church was my refuge because the God I'd always known and accessed was there. For a long time I had a Sunday relationship with God until I learned to worship and usher in His presence for myself. I really learned that in choir because that same feeling I got at church was right there in the room. That's the presence of God. 

The other great thing about church is community. You find community at church. You find people who are like minded at church, who believe what you believe and seek after what you seek. There's something so encouraging about knowing other people are on the same path you're on. One of the first things I'm looking for in Maryland is a church home. Honestly, I already think I've found one. I've gotten such great teaching and instruction from my mentors, one of which is Baptist and open to the fact that God made me a homosexual, and I found a beautiful Black Baptist church up there that's affirming as well and I think its going to be the one. I find it so important to go to an affirming church because I need to be able to be honest at church. I can't go into church, a place where truth and love exist, and not be able to fulling enter with the totality of who I am. I don't want to change pronouns and pretend to be someone I'm not. Ironically, this is the denomination of my father, though I've always going to my mother's church. He's low key pleased about it too even though he doesn't know why I decided on this church. I also got an amazing sermon there that was just for me. I love how God will do that. He's so amazing.

Psalm 122:9

For the sake of the house of the Lord our God, I will seek, inquire for, and require your good.

The house of the Lord isn't the building. The Lord dwells within us. This verse really speaks to me about intercessory prayer. I've been in that posture for so long so I'm tickled God dropped this in here in a time when its the reality of my life. He does that you know.....gives you exactly what you need. Stuff like that is so clearly God speaking directly to me and I'm so humbled by that reality. 

This verse is really saying to me that for the sake of the Body of Christ, I need to seek God for your benefit. As a person who is somewhere farther along on the maturity of relationship with God sliding scale, I have a responsibility to behave as like I really know Him. I know Him in the core of who I am and that relationship is a gift. Its also very clearly brings into focus that to whom much is given, much is required. I've got a level of responsibility thats higher, requiring my obedience to the Spirit because I have very clear evidence that God is because He is in my own life.  I've got to go before God for a multitude of people who can't go for themselves and I'm not saying anything about who I am but who God is within me. He drops people into my spirit all the time and I'm like "Oh ok. That's the direction you want me to pray in. Got it." Intercessory prayer is such a gift but its also a very serious faith walk. I'm believing God, not for myself where I'm going to have clear and present and timely evidence of His presence, but for you? I can't see what He's doing in your life but I believe Him for it and that's a supernatural astoundingly beautiful but difficult faith walk. I'm so thankful that I know the God that moves in my life and moved in David's, Joshua's, and Job's, is the same God moving in yours. 

Psalm 124:8

Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.

In His name alone do I find strength. In His name alone am I comforted. I actually say "Jesus" all the time. I say it so much at work. Anytime anything needs to go a little less left or a little less right, I'm right there calling on Jesus. And you know what? Now other people in my lab, non-believers, say Jesus too. They call on Him in times of distress. What they don't realize is that saying "Jesus" is a whole prayer in and of itself. They may not believe in Him, but they surely are calling on Him! 

Psalm 125:1

Those who trust in, lean on, and confidently hope in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides and stands fast forever.

This goes back to the nature of who God is for me. He's the tree planted by the water. God isn't going anywhere. He abides. I love that word and I use it in relationships. Abiding....ever present, stead fasting. Those words so accurately describe my walk with God. He's always there. Even when He isn't giving me what I want when I want it, He's right there with me in the waiting. Never has He been closer to me than when I wasn't getting admitted to medical school. I couldn't understand it because I knew He was there but I felt He wasn't moving on my behalf. That was me forgetting that my thoughts are the thoughts of God and nothing I'll ever think will ever be on the same plane as Him. He was ever present because He knew the thing He'd put in my heart wasn't going to come to pass when I wanted it and I needed Him every step of the way. I wish I'd exercised more faith in that time but I'm so thankful that when I do turn to something, its so often Him. I'm working on making it always Him.

Psalm 125:4

Do good, O Lord, to those who are good, and to those who are right [with You and all people] in their hearts

Its so vital to check your heart which for me means check my intentions. I've got to make sure that my heart is pure and upright. If its not, I've got some work to do. The Lord looks at the heart. Even if you don't get your action right, was your motivation appropriate? I'm constantly checking in because my relationship with God causes me to quite literally be uncomfortable when I'm not. Its like a tightening in my chest. Yes, I have physical manifestations of discomfort when something's not right. For me anything that brings about confusion or is confusing feels awful because God isn't a God of confusion. If confusion is found, that's not God. I've got to recalibrate and get it together. I've got to find the truth and the truth is always clean and walk that out in my life. God rewards the attitudes of our hearts. He also gives us the desires there in that line up with His will. Don't you want your heart to me right when He looks at you? I sure do. 

Withholding Nothing

Yesterday afternoon blessed my soul. It truly did.
And now I'm walking in when its confusing, go simple.
 I'm clear about many things that I have the power to walk out and that's what I'm doing.
So I was on the twitter, relaxing and the very firs thing on my twitter was Lamentations 3 from a friend so I opened up the Bible I'd just closed after my nightly reading and found a nugget of truth I want to write about today. God always sends a ram in the bush.  I wasn't even thinking I was struggling but I love a Word from the Lord that pre-emptive so that when  I do struggle, its right there.

Lamentations 3:25

The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God’s word]

Every day.
Every single day.
I'm living in expectation. Y'all know how I talk about purpose and perfection of faith in the waiting? Here it is again. And you talk about on time? Like I said, I wasn't looking for this but it fell in my lap. God is so good and so faithful to those who seek Him. I find myself on my kneads everyday because I need my time with Him but also because I know that you can't find God if you haven't sought Him. I also know that waiting has a lot to do with God's timing. God can make you a promise any time but waiting on His timing is a faith walk. Sometimes its a faith carry and He's carrying you. What I do know is that trying to get in front of God and make something happen just because He's made you a promise is the wrong move. I don't ever want to be ahead of the spirit. I just want to follow because I know that's good for me even if its hard for me.
And by hard I don't mean "Oh shoot that's difficult."
I mean "I prayed and cried all night long and my eyes are swollen and my bible is wrinkled because I hugged it to my chest while I sobbed and my tears got on it" hard.
I'm talking about "I had to call up all my mentors to get me through this morning" hard.
I'm talking "I just had to show up in her office or on her phone transparent and barely coherent so I could get some help" hard.
I'm talking about "I had to drive 6 hours so I could get around someone who could carry me for a few days because I can't carry myself with any type of sanity" hard.
All of those have been my life. I've thankfully had people God has placed in my life for those moments. So yea....God is good to those who wait and hope but good to us doesn't always mean easy. Sometimes it means the exact opposite but there's provision for that. That's God too.

Lamentations 3:26

It is good that one should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord.

So here comes the Lord with ease. Now I'm going to tell you, once your faith muscle gets bigger, ease starts to happen. But that's going to take some work. I'm working on it right now and I think I'll be working on it all my life. That's going to take some trusting and waiting and diligently seeking Him. You've got to know Him for who He is before you can be like "God has that and I'm going to let Him do it" and walk on away. Yet again, the ease is in the Lord. That's true but our humanity makes it hard because we want it now or we want to see something now. God's movements in the spirit aren't ones we can see and we don't have no business there either. I've got to get to a place where I not only feel safety in God for my feelings but also my dreams. Seek ye first and all things not some thing so I have to be sure I'm seeking Him first at all times so all things.... y'all know the rest!

Lamentations 3:27

It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings] in his youth.

Divine disciplinary dealings. Lord have mercy, I'm still a youth and I'm still in this time of bearing the yoke. The reason I need to is so that as I get more and more mature in my relationship with God and more and more people look upon what God and I are doing, I'm demonstrating a level of purified, tried and true faith. The other thing about the youth, is that you're believing God for things that aren't earth shattering. I currently am believing Him for some audacious breakthrough but I'm an old youth because this relationship is old. In a younger place in my relationship, I was believing God for tests and what not and those things built my faith to believe for bigger and more important things. By the time you need to believe God for breakthrough in your child's relationship with God or breakthrough in your mother's health or healing for your mentor, you're in a different faith place because you've walked this path of believing God for bigger and bigger things. You're literally perfecting your faith. I sure am perfecting mine.

Lamentations 3:28

Let him sit alone uncomplaining and keeping silent [in hope], because [God] has laid [the yoke] upon him [for his benefit]

What? Now listen. I'm not in the silent part. I'm just not. But I get it. God has laid a burden upon me. Its not necessarily my place to talk about the things God's promised and that I'm hoping for. God didn't give that word to anyone but me.  One of the reasons I write because I will have a record and for anyone who wants to see how far He's brought me....Here's my journal. I do think working out your faith within you is important because its just vertical: its just me and God in this thing. I love stuff like that. I love my time with Him and how he's making me better each and every day.

Lamentations 3:29

Let him put his mouth in the dust [in abject recognition of his unworthiness]—there may yet be hope.

 I know it ain't me. I know I'm not worthy. I know the only reason I'm even in this relationship is due to the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross which makes me acceptable in the sight of a holy and righteous God. I'm clear that not me, but by Jesus alone. I also see this from the perspective of waiting. There is always hope. There is always possible. God makes all things possible. Probable maybe not but possible is always there. As I sit here in the reality of what God's spoken to my heart, I know there's hope. I also know that things I hoped for have come to pass. I know there's an apartment in Silver Springs waiting on me and there's a seat on Georgia Avenue with my name on it. I'm walking that right on out and anything else He wants to add, I'm game.

Hope isn't always easy. Waiting on a promise from God to come true isn't easy but even more so, not moving on your own to bring your promise into fruition is like putting yourself in a straight jacket. The thing about it is that when you have a testimony about when, when you know its a God thing and not a you thing, it'll bless you all the time. When its a God thing it will be like a well within you where you can go and be refreshed.  Hope is possible and with God, its possible a little easier but it ain't necessarily easy. I get on my knees every night cause I need a fresh dose of His presence, love, and the ability to continue to hope. My hope is in Him.

God Restores

Have you ever had someone know you so well that they looked at you and asked the perfect question?
Or have they heard your voice and known exactly what you needed?
I have.
Its amazing.
It happened yesterday.
I'm oh so careful in this relationship but when I tell you she's giving a perfect effort? She's making it work and its because we both know this is a God thing. I prayed so much for this but that was so many years ago. God has brought it full circle. We have so much history and yet, here we are.
God is so faithful.
He gave and He restored.

From the Well that Giveth Life

So....Psalm 119 is very long. I split this devotional into two for this reason. I definitely felt it warranted two days worth of study. Oh and....its a SNOW DAY!

Psalm 119:88

 According to Your steadfast love give life to me; then I will keep the testimony of Your mouth

I stick on steadfast. His love is steadfast towards me. Unwavering. Unmoved and Unmovable. Nothing I do or say can change His love towards me. That's so liberating to my soul. I have no need to try to be perfect because He not only knows me but loves me anyway. This doesn't absolve me of repenting and being upright and set apart but it does free me from the letter of the law. And you know what? Knowing He loves me anyway makes me want a closer walk. It makes me want to exalt His name and worship in spirit and in truth. I'm drawn closer to the Lord just by reading and writing about Him. The writing forces me to actually consider the nature and character of the God I serve and tells me more and more about who I am: created in His image and worthy of the death of Christ for relationship. Yea....I'm going to talk about God.

Psalm 119:103

How sweet are Your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

I love sweets. I love the way they look, the way they taste, the way they make me feel. I love candy, cakes, cookies, and pies. I love all the sugar and I can bake most of it. Now obviously this isn't always good for me but nevertheless I've got a ravenous sweet tooth. You know what is even more voracious than my sweet tooth? My desire to hear from the Lord. I love hearing what God has to say to me. Now it isn't always what I want to hear. I'm not waiting to hear from Him because He's like Santa: giving me what I want when I want it. Often it isn't even something I'm asking about half the time. But its exactly what I need. Sometimes it happens in my spirit and sometimes its right there in the Bible, but He's always got something to say. Lord incline my ear, that I might do your will.

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

When I'm unsure, He's Google maps. Now I know that's a funny idea but He is. Now He's not exactly like the app though. God isn't usually giving me the whole trip. Often times God is giving me something  and asking me to walk that out until He gives me something else. So I get like "Get on this highway and go until I say otherwise." What I love about that is often times that's all I can handle. However, on rare occasions, He's let me know something like "Destination: Calcutta" so far in advance that I'm like "I didn't even want to go to Calcutta....like ummm what?" and He's oh so patient with me. I'm the kind of person that needs 5 confirmations of something before I move, especially if its something I wasn't even considering and He's faithful in that too. One thing I love about that though is that even when I know He wants me to go to India, He still helps me walk out what that means each and every day with each and ever step.... on my way to India.

Psalm 119:114

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word

He's the safest place I've ever been. He's never let me down and He's never left me. I'm big on security and the thing I know that I know that I knew that I'll know tomorrow about God is He's always there. I'm so grateful for that kind of security and I'm so humbled that He cares so much about my fragile heart as to always make sure I feel protected. Even when His protection felt like He was forsaking me, He's always illuminated His actions afterwards just enough for me to be like "Oh that was you keeping me" and every time I've been so awestruck by Him. God is exactly who He says He is in His word. I can place all my hope in Him and I can wholly rely on Him because He's the same God that kept the lions at bay, parted the Red Sea, sent manna from Heaven, delivered on a 45 year old promise to Caleb,  and sent His son to die for this relationship. How could I not hope in Him?

Psalm 119:125

I am Your servant; give me understanding (discernment and comprehension), that I may know (discern and be familiar with the character of) Your testimonies.

I'm humbled to even be considered a servant of God. That He'd want me as a servant and much less as a child is baffling. I'm constantly on my knees praying for God to show me things. I don't actually say the word "discernment" in my prayers but "God show me what you think" falls from my lips time and time again. And you know what? When things He's revealed come to pass, I see exactly what He's done and I know its Him. Seeing something awesome and thinking "That's God" rather than "They're so lucky" is a leap. Its not a huge one but its definitely one that honors God. God does things all the time to show His faithfulness, loving kindness, and mercy and I know I need to continue to be careful to see Him in everything. Its always God. I think its so good to familiarize myself with His past faithfulness because God is. He always was and its going to be Him. Seek Him.

Psalm 119:132

Look upon me, be merciful unto me, and show me favor, as is Your way to those who love Your name.

I truly do love the Lord. I love Him in the core of my being. And you know what? I'm so glad it matters to God that I love Him. God is so big. He could choose not to be bothered with little me but He has numbered the hairs on my head. That's how much He loves and considers me. And favor? My life is literal favor. God has been so merciful to me. When I think about all the times I was texting and driving and still managed not to hit anyone? Favor. All the times I was barely awake but my data was still good? Favor. All the times my clumsy self has fallen down the steps and never once have I hurt myself? Favor. When I was completely lost in my own grief but I never actually endangered my life? Favor. God has been watching me all this time and all this time He's been so gracious to me, especially in my foolishness. He's faithful even when I'm not but what I know I've always been is a lover of the Lord.

Psalm 119: 154

Plead my cause and redeem me; revive me and give me life according to Your word.

God gives life and not just life but life more abundantly. When I was finally ready to accept the purpose God has called me to in medicine, so much of my life opened. When I was finally ready to stop pretending I didn't know exactly where I was supposed to be, so much changed. My relationship with my parents changed, my relationship with my friends changed, and most importantly my relationship with myself changed. I'd always been one to be like "I'm ready to go to glory now and worship the Lord forever" but now I feel like I have so much to do down here on earth that I'm more like "Its going to be awesome, but I've got to get this work you've put on my heart done first God." That's a radical shift. For me, its using life the way it was intended to be used.

Psalm 119:162

I rejoice at Your word as one who finds great spoil.

The word is a great treasure. It tells me who my God is. Even though I've always known there was something bigger than me, learning the nature of God through His word has brought me so far on my journey of faith. I'm so grateful for the decision I made many weeks ago to read Psalms because its illuminated so much in my life in regards to my prayer life, His answers and His faithfulness. God had been so good to those He's called and those who committed to loving and serving Him throughout the word that I know I'm in great company and under the care of the only one capable. God's word can also be likened to a treasure map. A few days ago He dropped a passage from Isaiah in my spirit about God cleansing the land and bringing His glory to rest there then something from Psalms spoke to me in the same vein about what happens after the glory rests there from my daily reading. I had no reason to be in Isaiah. None. That's the God I serve. That's what's in the Bible He inspired. Don't quench the spirit but be led of it and you'll find things you weren't even looking for!

Psalm 120:1

In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He answered me.

Oh how many nights have I cried out to Him? How many times have I desperately clutched my Bible while I cried myself to sleep? They're innumerable. How many times has He been faithful? Many more times than I've prayed about. Even just the other day, He whispered to my spirit "Get on your knees" and in my obedience He gave me peace. Sometimes I think I'm praying for one thing and honestly, just the communion with Him is what I need. The purpose of that time isn't always the prayer. Yes, the prayer is important, but the time I spend with Him soothes my soul. By the time I got off my knees, my eyes were tired and swollen but my soul was a tranquil as pond in the middle of a forest. The Lord quiets my spirit and brings me rest.

I've Come to the Garden Alone

So I'm behind in my devotionals. I write most days but some days I write about a great sermon I heard or something else that on my heart. So I guess behind isn't the word but I'm currently reading like Psalm 130-135 and I'm writing about 3 days ago's Bible reading. Well last night, I was doing my nightly Bible reading out loud and I stumbled into something that literally made me laugh! You ever told God you wanted something and He was like "Here's the verse for that! You're welcome!" Y'all I literally fell out laughing. He dropped a verse about something I've always said I wanted in the middle of m scripture reading last night like "Hey girl, yup that's going to happen!"  God's funny. He's also faithful.

Psalm 116: 2

Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.

All you need is 1.
1 answered prayer to know He hears you. I can't remember my first answer prayer but I've known for a very long time that He does answer prayer. The beautiful thing about God is that if you seek Him you will find Him. He is listening. But you have to initiate. You have to go after Him. And that doesn't mean you're running a marathon either. It can mean one step and He'll take the other 999. I've found as my faith has increased, so has the number of steps I've taken. I quite literally heard "Say yes. This is what I have for you" about Howard as I walked out of my interview. I didn't get an acceptance letter until 87 days later. I was supposed to get on within 30 days. Then I was supposed to hear before Christmas. Y'all want to talk about a faith walk? And no I wasn't always as faithful or fervent in my belief but God is faithful to the words He speaks to us. I will continue to call on Him, for the big and the small, because I know He hears little ol' me and each and every desperate whisper of my quivering heart.

Psalm 116:7-8

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered my life from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from stumbling and falling.

God deals with me. And not in a I'm tolerating you for the moment kind of way. He deals with me gently, diligently, and with care. He continues to show up in my life even when I don't deserve it and truth be told I have never and will never deserve a glance. BUT......oh the but of Christianity is so power. But Jesus made a way for me to deserve not only a glance but grace the abounds and mercy that overflows. On so many occasions, I've be delivered. I'm a cryer. I cry when I worship, I cry when I'm happy, and I cry when I'm hurt. Recently, oh so recently I was in that place. And in that place I felt the nudging of the spirit say "Get on your knees." I was texting and being upset and all this and I made the decision to be obedient. I got on my knees and cried. Then I prayed as I was led to and in the process of crying out to my God I found my rest. I found exactly what I was looking for. The author and finisher of my faith gave me rest for my weary soul and made a way for me to remain faithful to the things I've endeavored to do.

Psalm 116:15

Precious (important and no light matter) in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints (His loving ones)

God loves us. Our lives, however brief, matter to Him. For me this brings up the death of those 3 Muslim students at UNC. No they weren't Christian, but they were still His creation. God doesn't take lightly this murder and act of terror and the perpetrator will be dealt with. Even when the justice system fails, Jesus sees to it that justice is served. I feel similarly about the deaths of all these Black and Brown people throughout out nation who are dying due to senseless violence. 

Psalm 116:18

I will pay my vows to the Lord, yes, in the presence of all His people,

For me this verse means simply " I AIN'T SHAMED!" I'm not. I will talk about Jesus where ever and when ever. I am His child and He is my God. If that's an issue, you can go.

Psalm 118:8

 It is better to trust and take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in man.

This is a truth I live by. I'm selective with my trust. I'm very trusting but those who I trust have earned it. I trust someone and love them, but they've hurt me deeply and I'll never forget that. That was a time when God gave me something I needed but I allowed them to mean so much to me that He had to break me out of that. And when I tell you it was painful? Try 6 months of tears. It was devastating. But I've never made that mistake again. I know Jesus is my only refuge. And you know...the Lord tested that recently....and though it was a low pass it was a pass. I'd almost done it again but I realized very quickly that that wasn't a place I needed to be again and I swerved at the last minute. I'm so grateful that I've known Him so deeply and found so much love in Him. 

Psalm 118:15

The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tents and private dwellings of the [uncompromisingly] righteous: the right hand of the Lord does valiantly and achieves strength!

If you ever get to be in the space I call hoe you'll find mountains of gospel! I love to rejoice and worship the Lord. My private dwelling is the place where I feel free to do as David did and dance before the Lord. I'm a mess but I'm His mess and He's making me perfect. The idea of being uncompromising comes up a lot in the amplified Bible that I read. I love it though. I'm so enamored with the idea of being upright at all costs because the costs are high. The cost of righteousness for me looks like going on 7 years of celibacy. It looks like seeking God's will and not my own. My own carnal stuff is trash but when I'm in the center of His will and I'm really trying to be in a place where I only want what He wants for me...its a sweet sweet communion.

Psalm 118:24

This is the day which the Lord has brought about; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

This is the attitude I try to approach everyday with. Its why I start with something about how much I love the Lord that's upbeat in the morning. Right now I'm really feeling Tasha Cobbs' Happy. I'm so grateful that He's got each and every day in His hand and He's ordering my steps through them. Its just one day at a time sometimes, but His grace is sufficient and His love is unending. 

Psalm 119:11

Your word have I laid up in my heart, that I might not sin against You.

Its so vital to do Bible study for me. I can't hide anything in my heart that I don't know about! I've got to know the word so that its always with me. I was really convicted of this before I went to China because you're only allowed to bring one Bible with you and though I've never traveled with more than one, I'd never been told I couldn't. I also think the more you know the Word, the deeper your relationship with the Father can be because you know the character and nature of God through His Word. One simple way to check if you're hearing the voice of God if you're not sure if its Him is "Does what you hear line up with the Word?" or "Does what I've read recently in the Word confirm anything for me or reassure me of something I've been praying about?" These two things were useful to me at the beginning of my walk and now I'm much more sensitive to the Spirit. 

Psalm 119:27

Make me understand what you want; for then I shall see your miracles.

I just want to want what God wants for me. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I don't want what He wants and sometimes He tells me things I don't want to hear. I wanted to deliver babies but I didn't want to go to medical school because it would take too many years. I am doing what in July? Going to med school. Why? Cause that's what the Lord wants. I toyed with getting a midwifery degree for a while and I could completely rationalize it but in my spirit, it wasn't the truth and I knew it. God wasn't calling me to that. And when I tell you He has kept me through this whole process? Its been on my heart since I was 7 and there it remains. There have been times when I wanted something and God was like "This thing you merely want, I'm giving to you. Now walk that out." You talk about not ready! A young thug was NOT ready. And you know what? Now that I understand what you want, I'm waiting to see your miracle. I'm waiting to see because its only you God. Its your ball. 

Psalm 119:32

If you will only help me to want your will, then I will follow your laws even more closely.

I had no idea that this was in the Word! I'm alway saying the beginning in my own terms. I call it "wanting to want God's will." I may not want it but I want to want it. I love it when God surprises me with stuff like this. There's nothing like actually wanting His will because you know its perfect for you. It's literally designed with me in mind. It's exactly what I need and not only will it fulfill me and give me joy but it will also give me a testimony that is indisputable. I know it was God because I didn't even want this BUT you caused my heart towards it to change or you spoke directly to me and now that I see how its everything I never could have even vocalized that I want, I'm even more inclined to follow your whispers in the Spirit. My heart towards going to med school took years to evolve. I simply wanted to deliver babies. There's more than one way to do that but there is the way God wants. Once I actually got to the place where actually wanted to be in His will, I have had so much closer of a walk with Him. The walk ain't perfect, but its mine. 

Psalm 119:33-34

Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live I’ll wholeheartedly obey.

This is an interesting place to be. When He tells you do to things you've never conceived of it your life? Obedience. When He wants a sacrifice from you that you didn't want to give? Obedience. I've found so much freedom in obedience not because its easy but because its the right thing to do. Sometimes the painful thing is also the right thing. Lord knows, I've be told to do things that without God I never would have done.  Sometimes the thing that causes you to really have to lean wholeheartedly on the Lord is exactly where He wants you. 

Psalm 119:68

You are good and do only good; make me follow your lead.

God is good. That's a fact. Its also a fact that whatever He's doing in you, for you, and through you is good. Now this requires you to let Him. I know that sometimes I don't want to spirit to flow. Sometimes I'm deathly afraid of what He might ask me to do but I've found that following is the only way to ever be where I want to be. And I know what that feels like. I've asked for things that scared the snot out of me. I've let the Lord tell me what He'd have me to do even when I knew walking it out would be painful. That's a faith risk. And that's a place that requires you to know He'd never put more on you than you can bear and that ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Believing that ain't easy though. Surprisingly, even things I wanted in a carnal way that He's used in a spiritual way have been hard.  It may not have initially been what I wanted, but following God has never led me astray. I think of it like you're on a tandem bike with God and you want to steer and tell God what you want and check in with Him over your shoulder. The beautiful thing that happens though is that at some point in your relationship with Him, you let Him steer and you're inquiring about His will for you. Lead me Lord. Lead me. 

Jesus Kept Me

God has been so good to me. He's been so faithful in the midst of everything. Even when I was failing the tests He was sending to me, He was still faithful. He still showed me mercy. He still showed me a love I've never known from anywhere else. He's kept on blessing me even though I've never deserved it. Thank you.

Psalm 111:5

He has given food and provision to those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him; He will remember His covenant forever and imprint it

God has made a way out of no way. Then again He made everything out of nothing so I shouldn't be surprised. Not only has He made a way, He's made the best way. His way is the only way I want to want. Even though in my humanity I want things to be a certain way, I know there is a way that is anointed and appointed for me. There's a way that will glorify Him and be the ultimate fulfillment of my heart's most sincere desire that He's made for me. I'm so blessed in this moment to know this but it isn't always easy to walk out my faith when I feel I don't have provision. When I feel myself lacking, I have to remember He's got everything and if I needed it I'd have it. God has made me some promises. He's told me some things. He's placed some truths on my heart and those things I believe by faith. Either you believe God or you don't. I believe God and I believe that what He's said, the things He's put on my heart will be. He doesn't forget what He's said so I need to have faith. If I don't have faith, what is all this for? An exercise in expository writing? I think not!

Psalm 111:9

He has sent redemption to His people; He has commanded His covenant to be forever; holy is His name, inspiring awe, reverence, and godly fear.

God is innately good. Things happen in your life that don't look that way but I know God is. When I ponder all the He's done for humanity, there's no other conclusion. He created us knowing He'd have to give His son. Like what? If I knew beforehand, I 'd have to sacrifice my child to reconcile others who might not ever be in relationship with me? Best believe, my child would be right by my side and y'all would be SOL! God gave everything He had for us. He gave everything for this relationship right here. God knew I'd be sitting on the floor, writing the devotional about His goodness and our relationship and how much I love Him while listening to a song about how able God is. He knew and He wanted this moment so much that He tore the veil. That's my God. He's so worthy. I'm dumbfounded by the nature and character of God.

Psalm 112:8a

Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear

There are so many places in my relationship with God that I feel this way. I'm so secure in the fact that He loves me and He wants what's best for me. I'm certain the marrow of my being, that He's exactly who He says He is. The part I struggle with is will He act on my behalf. If I earnestly seek Him, will He really come through? I realize these things seem incongruent but they reflect much more on who I think I am rather than who I think God is. I know who He is. I also know I'm no worthy. I'll never be worthy. Doesn't the Word say "If I had 1,000 tongues?"  This is true. The idea that such a big God cares about the going ons of my little heart is crazy. I just don't consider myself that important but He does.  And If I know He doesn't lie, then I have to believe that I'm important. He did think that and He will or Jesus wouldn't have died for this relationship. This is when I have to talk to myself and God and let Him tell me who I am. I'm not struggling with fear, I'm struggling with doubt. I'm struggling with feeling like I deserve His consideration. I'm so thankful He meets me in that place and knows exactly who I am.

Psalm 113:5-6

Who is like the Lord our God,
    the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
    on the heavens and the earth?

No one. That's who is like the Lord. Not a single solitary soul is like the Lord. God is God. He's up there creating everything that was ever created, and watching this devotional being written. He's up there being the beginning and the end and listening to the prayers of my weary heart. He's up there girded in righteous, forgiving my inequity by seeing me through the blood of His son. God is literally Holy and He's still interested in the perfect effort but ultimately failing product I'm offering Him in my life.  He sees my worship and is pleased even if its not worthy to even be the clouds upon which He steps. God is love and He honors my imperfect way of loving. He tells me He's pleased with my efforts even though I know they aren't enough. He makes me enough. That's who my God is.

Psalm 113:9

He gives childless couples a family,
    gives them joy as the parents of children.

He changes things. God not only can but He does. This verse literally says God does! How powerful is that? There are some many things in my life that I want to see God move in. So many places and spaces that need His divine intervention and its good to remember that God not only can but does. God will. At one point in my life I was childless. I was also single, but I desperately wanted a baby in my life. Along came LP. Tonight I'm keeping my other little munchkin. You talk about a fulfilled prayer? Listen....I've got all the babies and none of them came from my uterus. He makes a way sI I've seen how He can move and maneuver. I know He can. I'm currently believing He will. Its a new level of faith in my life and its scary. Believing God will feels like looking out on the water and stepping out of the boat on faith. The boat was believing God can. That wasn't difficult for me. Getting on the water and walking, literally on faith with my eyes fixed on God and believing what He's told me. Whole 'nother level.

Psalm 115:1

Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to Your name give glory, for Your mercy and loving-kindness and for the sake of Your truth and faithfulness!

If y'all don't know, I'm very careful to give God the glory and the praise. Why? Because I honestly know better. I know better than to believe I've done anything. I know better than to let you tell me it was me. Why? Because nothing bless the Father like acknowledging Him and nothing is a better witness than to see someone else say "Not me...God." I've watched how it settles in other people. How it makes them uncomfortable but I've also watched how slowly but surely, they want to know what that feels like too. They want to not carry the weight of feeling solely responsible for themselves. I know its not all on me. I know its God. Now there's some me required. I definitely studied for the MCAT but He was my focus, my attention, and my dedication. I clicked the buttons but He made it possible for me to get up that morning? Come on Jesus. I've done a few things and been faithful over a couple BUT GOD! He's never left me. He's always there. And He's always worthy. 

Holiness Code

Pastor's sermon text was Leviticus 19:1-4

And the Lord said to Moses,

Say to all the assembly of the Israelites, You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy.

Each of you shall give due respect to his mother and his father, and keep My Sabbaths holy. I the Lord am your God.

Do not turn to idols and things of nought or make for yourselves molten gods. I the Lord am your God.  


The sermon was about how if we claim to belong to God, we should let God decide what kind of people we should be and how we should worship. He talked about how so often we let others dictate to us about what we should do in regards to God.

 I use to have tons of hang ups about worship because
1. I didn't read the Bible for myself.
2. I didn't have a revelation about what the Bible meant for me from the Spirt
3. My relationship with God was surface
4. I was more concerned about other's watching me than my own walk with Him

Once I cleared up some of those, got in some community, and started going to churches that actually dimmed the lights to help facilitate worship, I got it together better. Still not perfect.....still feel awkward crying in front of my mom and I'm a serious cryer. Its a thing between me and Jesus.
The thing that stuck with me the most though was when Pastor talked about how No one can tell you how to walk out your Christianity because no one knows your story or your relationship with God. No one knows what He did for you that you know was Him alone. I feel that way a lot. I feel that way in regards to my sexuality. I honestly prayed about my own sexuality and the biggest thing God impressed upon me was that my Faith needs to control my sexuality. That I still need to maintain the same standards. He said I'm glad you found yourself because you hating this amazing thing I created called sex wasn't my will for you at all! Seek and ye shall find y'all!

I'm also not going to let anyone convince me that something I know was God wasn't. I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe in luck. I believe in God. This sermon was a lot about knowing your own walk with Him and that that will sometimes set you apart. My walk with the Lord sometimes does make me feel and look crazy. I know that. I also know that God is.

The next idea He talked about was being set apart. Perfect segway.... He talked about how you're going to have to walk alone sometimes because what the Lord is in your life is yours. Being set apart to God will sometimes mean being set apart for God and being set apart with God. I totally understand how that can happen. There's just some stuff that's just yours and its going to make you different. Lord knows I'd rather be different in Him, than without Him. Being knowingly without Him is the definition of crazy.

So yea....that was Sunday. It was rather awesome because everyone talks about the prayers of their mothers and grandmothers but this was about your walk of your own self. Yes grandma's walk was impressive. Yes, you relied on her faith. But where is my own faith? I knew Him because my family knew Him, but I love Him because I got to know Him for myself.

He Goes Before Me

Have you ever felt like God was preparing you for something? Like He was literally setting you up to receive something well. I'm reminded of the latest Grey's Anatomy when Bailey tells her husband that his brother is actually his sister. His brother is transgendered. Instead of letting his newly out sister tell him, Bailey tells him because she says "I need you to react better when he tells you." I feel like God has been doing that with me for a while. I love how I'll get a verse that sticks out in my head  and then the application of that verse in my faith or my actual behavior comes up. Sometimes its as basic as the verse coming to mind and being able to share it. Nevertheless, I'm always equipped beforehand and that's been an amazing result of this time of fasting and prayer.

Psalm 107:14

He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke apart the bonds that held them.

God didn't create anyone for the dark. He doesn't want us to live under the threat of death but the wages of sin are death anyhow. Jesus was sent, bled, and died so that death would no longer be the end of our story and sin wouldn't seal our fate away from God. When I think about the bonds that God has broken in my life, I think about how I've hindered that. I know its crazy to think but all the insecurities I've held onto and still deal with aren't from God. God is constantly telling me who I am and whose I am and what I'm called to be but I doubt. I don't trust. And I'm most definitely working on that. I often look at my efforts, my failings, and the lies about me that other people tell me and believe them over the very clear voice of God. That's, as my mentor would say, "so 'nuff crazy."

Psalm 107:19

Then they cry to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivers them out of their distresses. 

whose I've never been shy about telling God what bothers me. I know that can sound kind of awful because it makes it seem like I'm always complaining but I'm not. On some level I've always known He's able. Even when I didn't all the way believe He would give me the desires of my heart, I knew He could. I was always sure of His ability even if I wasn't sure He would use it for me. That's, thank God, no longer where I am. I know in the middle of who I am that He delivered me out of many different situations. This doesn't mean it always happens when I want. I talk to God constantly about things that trouble me, and He is by no means an slot machine where you put in your prayer and out comes your request, but He is listening and He is delivering. He is the same God that parted the Red Sea....that's a whole sea y'all. A whole one!

Psalm 107:20

He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.

His Word. Oh how I love His Word. Even when I haven't been coherent enough... in my right mind enough to read it, I've known its true. I have literally slept hugging my Bible. Yea....its that serious for me. This Bible that sits open next to me right now is MY BIBLE. And the Word is powerful. Sometimes I'm like "God speak to me" and I just open it up and He always does. Clearly, me and the Word get down. Its just as important though, the words He speaks to my heart. He's spoken such life and joy into my spirit. He's literally breathed life into me time and time again. When I tell you he SNATCHED me back from my foolishness? I mean YANKED! I mean whiplash occurred in my spirit. I am His child. God is a snatcher....but I'm so thankful He is with me.

Psalm 107:24

These see the works of the Lord and His wonders in the deep.

Have you ever considered how much you don't know?  In this passage they are referring to the ocean as the deep but I'm led right now to talk about this for the perspective of depth. There's so much to know. Every time we discover something new scientifically, its still logical. Its logical from person to organ to tissue to cell to organelle to smaller and smaller. He is deep and profound in His design of the world and His work should speak for the existence of Him alone. I'm so blessed by creation and what it says about my God.

Psalm 107:43

Whoso is wise [if there be any truly wise] will observe and heed these things; and they will diligently consider the mercy and loving-kindness of the Lord.

Wisdom isn't always knowing what to do. For me, its knowing who to go to. God is my first choice and I don't mean I get on my knees about everything. God lives in me and moves through me and sometimes all I have to do is check within me. "Does this align with the God in me?" If it doesn't its a no. I also have some people in my life who's relationships with the Lord I trust and I will seek their counsel as well. Its so important to have community because iron really does sharpen iron. Being around people who are also diligently seeking the Lord blesses my spirit. I'm not wise but I know who is and I know that He's in my fellow believers. Seek Him, seek counsel in those who seek Him, and move in the direction God is calling you! That's my operating practice.

Psalm 108:1

O God, my heart is fixed (steadfast, in the confidence of faith); I will sing, yes, I will sing praises, even with my glory [all the faculties and powers of one created in Your image]!

Its easy to forget that we were created in His image. He is our literal blueprint. Yea....let that settle in your spirit a minute. The thing that stands out for me here though is the part where it says fixed. My heart is fixed. I love the concept of confidence of faith. I'm letting God carry me in the walking out of this faith situation I'm in. Forget walking it out myself. I need Him so desperately that He's carrying me. I'm praying and believing but I know its got to be Him. Its His move to make. Its His will alone that will change anything and I've got to be confident. I've to to know that I know that I knew yesterday and I'll know tomorrow that He can and He will. I'm praising Him so far in advance I sometimes feel crazy but I believe God above all.

Psalm 108:6

 That Your beloved [followers] may be delivered, save with Your right hand and answer us! 

Oh to be beloved.  That phrase is a mainstay in my prayer life. So often I'm floored by the fact that I am God's beloved. Me. Little ol' fragile me. Beloved.

Psalm 108:12-13

 Give us help against the adversary, for vain is the help of man.

Through and with God we shall do valiantly, for He it is Who shall tread down our adversaries.

When I think of the adversary, I think doubt. Any time I doubt who God is, what He will do, that His best is what He has for me, that's the adversary for me. Each and every time I come back to the Word or back to my own testimony, I know the adversary is defeated.
God is. God can. God does. God will.
These are the truth. And with God's help, I am always victorious over doubt if I actually seek Him about it. The thing is, I don't always seek Him in doubt. Sometimes I let it fester. Sometimes I don't clean up my junk and actually chase God but each and every time I do, I find victory. Its a muscle I'm exercising. Its getting stronger each and every day.

Psalm 109:5

 And they have rewarded and laid upon me evil for good, and hatred for my love.

God is love. Its His very nature. There is no greater love than to die for someone and Jesus did just that for us. The end of this verse speaks directly to me about the way I love the woman I love and how others thing about it. When some misguided and ill-informed factions of Christianity condemn the love I have for her, this is what I think of. You are giving me hatred for love and if God is love then you've got a problem. I have no idea how someone can look at love and see something that isn't Holy but they do and I'm not going to let them tell me about my faith. This is why I think so many of my fellow Christian gays how the Word so well. We have to know it because we can run into people who lie to us about what love is and who God is. I know God. I'm not going to let you lie to me about who I am in Him and who He's called me to be. Period.

Psalm 109:22

For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded and stricken within me.

I'm a sensitive soul. I think God did that because He wanted to create in me a depth of feeling that made me sure that I'm sure. I'm easily wounded by those I love but I'm also capable of loving so furiously that I might actually seem crazy. The thing about this is that I'm often wounded. Being this sensitive is beautiful in safe spaces but there aren't that many of those. I'm often hurt but people close to me but God is always my refuge. I can always go to Him. I can literally get on my knees and be transfixed and transformed. I'm so astounded by this relationship I have with Him. I'm so unworthy but He thinks I'm priceless.

Psalm 109:27

That they may know that this is Your hand, that You, Lord, have done it.

Audacious prayers. Big fat prayers. Only possible if God does it prayers. <---This is often my prayer life. Why? because I want to know its Him and be able to tell every single person I know it was. I want things that no one can dispute as being God. I want my life to be a testimony to His faithfulness and His mercy and His love. No one but Jesus. I know that when I stand at the altar, looking up at the woman I've prayed for who is promising to love me forever and chase after God with me.... NOTHING BUT GOD could have gotten us there. That's the kind of prayer life I have.  And now I'm crying.....great. But He's going to have to do it because its the only way and the most beautiful one.

Psalm 110:4

The Lord has sworn and will not revoke or change it: You are a priest forever, after the manner and order of Melchizedek.

So I could go all theological with this but I just want to go to the part where the Lord will not revoke or change it. I'm just gonna stop right there and park this train. God doesn't change things He's told you. Your inability to see something is NOT the inability for God to do it. And even when you know He's told you He will do a certain thing and it hasn't happened, that doesn't change what He said. He said what He said and it is coming to pass. God's promises will not fail. and let me tell you, I've been praying and gotten answers from God that haven't come to pass and don't even look possible BUT the Word of God says God isn't a man and doesn't lie and I have to believe that. Sometimes I completely believe it and sometimes I want to believe it. Right now, I'm in a great place because He's preparing me before I find out things and I'm choosing to believe God because He's unchanging.