Didn't You Know

When God talks to me, usually its not the complete picture at one time. Sometimes its a sentence fragment, sometimes its a whole sentence but its rarely everything I've asked for all at once. This is especially true when I'm asked to understand something. When I want God to inform me, usually its a long process of seeking and finding, praying more, waiting, finding, and seeking again. Its amazing how having parts of the story informs my behavior. I can look back and see how knowing everything would have changed my behavior in certain situations drastically. I also know that sometimes I can't handle the whole answer and sometimes knowing it would be entirely too painful. His way of leaving breadcrumbs and moving my heart is such a blessing. I love how things I never would have thought had anything to do with anything come back and God's like "Remember when I said this. This is where that applies."  Talk about a young thug being blindsided? Things I've known forever are showing up in my life now and I'm like "That's WHAT you were doing? Ohhhhh...."

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

The faith walk isn't full of roses all the time. Often times I'm afraid. I'm unsure of what to do, what to say. I have found no better place to be afraid than in front of The Throne. This is especially true when I feel like God has spoken something to my spirit and it hasn't manifested in the natural. I definitely felt that research wasn't where I was supposed to be but without an acceptance letter I had no idea where I was going to go. I felt like God had put Medical School on my heart but no medical schools had admitted me. I found myself in prayer constantly. The only place I could trust was God. "Father I stretch my hand to thee" was an ever-present utterance in my life. In other places in my life, I've had to do this as well. Walking around after my PhD defense, waiting on my committee to determine if they thought I had earned my PhD was a short walk but it was tense. I was literally in the hallway while 5 men decided whether or not the 2nd Black person to ever attempt a PhD in my department at my school had actually earned one. And let me tell you, you can absolutely fail your PhD defense. That's real. And I didn't. Despite the fact that my dissertation needed SERIOUS overhauling, those men said "Your oral defense was fantastic. Congratulations Dr." And that still brings tears to my eyes. I can't even really talk about it to anyone. Its such a subjective process and it can not go you way BUT God!

Psalm 56:11

in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can man do to me?

Ironically this verse from the same pericope brings up something completely different for me. This again brings up the realities I face as a Christian lesbian. Man tries to tell me all about who I am and who I can't be in Christ but I'm not here for any of that. God is my source and in whom and on whom I trust. Y'all can try it but I know what I feel when  I get on my knees, when I pray for my future wife, when I serve in the house of God, and when I talk to my fellow LGBT folks of faith. I know who God is I'm my life and the opinions of people who haven't yet come to understand that the greatest commandment of God is love have nothing to do with truth. 

Psalm 56:13

 For You have delivered my life from death, yes, and my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life and of the living.

I'm my Jesus made a way. He is the way. Is spilt blood is the literal ticket of admission to the Father. Drenched in His precious sinless blood, I can stand before the Father spotless and without wrinkle. The gift of His sacrifice lets me know my Creator. Without the finished work of the Cross, I'd be in the presence of God but a moment, before being cast into Hell for my transgressions. I have the right and the inheritance of spending eternity worshiping a merciful, loving, forgiving, and good God. If that isn't  a reason to celebrate then I don't know one! Even when I'm simply stumbling, He steadies my gait. That's an ever-present God. To know He's literally making sure that I'm on the path I need to be on for my good and His Glory? Listen you can't tell me anything about this God I serve because He's the real deal y'all. And guess what? He'd absolutely do the same for you if you wanted Him to. 

Psalm 57:1

Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed.

You know that "new mercies every morning" thing? Real. His grace never failing? Real. They're both real y'all.You know how they say "trouble won't last always?" Real again. God is faithful. He is a place you can always go for whatever you need. I've needed Him so often for shelter and confidence. I'm kind of a scaredy cat. I crave security deeply. I need it in my bones. I need to know you're never leaving so I can trust you and God has done that flawlessly. When I quite literally thought I was going to lose my mind? Faithful. When I wanted a baby? 

He dropped one right in my life. 
Faithful.
There have been so many things I wasn't sure I'd make it out of but I'm good. When I didn't get to become a leader in my old church because I'm gay, my old church was like "Girl, we love you and we'd love to have you back in Nebraska." That could have been church hurt. That could have made me one of those people who goes to church and doesn't offer their talents or goes and lies about who they are but what my Church in Nebraska did was keep me connected to the Body of Christ. Faithful y'all. Trust Him. And now Pandora is playing a song I remember singing on my way to Church in Nebraska....yup that's my Jesus.  Its called I'm in Love (More Than A Conqueror) by Darwin Hobbs. Getchusome!

Psalm 58:11

Men will say, Surely there is a reward for the [uncompromisingly] righteous; surely there is a God Who judges on the earth.

we'd love Being in right standing with God is just good for me. It feels good in my spirit. It feels like a massage, a pedicure, a hair appointment, and chocolate all at the same time. There's nothing like it. But that's not it y'all. There's also a freaking reward?!?!?!?! I get to feel this good AND I get a treat. Listen...I didn't need nothing else but there's more y'all. God is going to judge the earth and us and I want to be ready and I want to be right. And you know what else....I want to feel as good as I feel right now in the middle of worship and mediation all the time. There's nothing like a secular music fast to keep you joyful!

Psalm 59:9

O my Strength, I will watch and give heed to You and sing praises; for God is my Defense 

Worship will change you. It'll rearrange you. It'll make you new.  The old is past and the new has come....that's Bible and its so true. I'm transformed into who God wants me to be through worship. The way I approach my days is completely different when I start them with God. Nothing ushers me into His presence like worship. And y'all know He's worthy. Ya'll know He is. I'm currently reminded of that time a semi decided he wanted me lane and nothing but the guardrail and shoulder was left for me to move into. I did just that as he took my lane and when I got out sure that I'd scraped up the entire side of my car and I HAD NOT!?!?!?!? Listen..... He's worthy!