Hello Again

 Well, it’s the beginning of a big story.

I’m going to start blogging again, telling stories really. 

Chronicling the journey of residency because there’s a lot to tell. 

Let’s lay out some facts.

I want to write a book, a memoir from the morning of Match 2019 until graduation from residency. 

I’m going to write it under a pseudonym because I actually became a doctor to help people and not to be a writer. Can’t afford to ruin future work prospects due to ppl worrying I’ll write about them. I will… but that’s not the point.

I’m going to start writing again because I’m currently broke and can’t afford to go the “set up a brand” direction quite yet but I can start creating content. 

I’m excited. Let the stories begin! 

Exceedingly, Abundantly Above

I actually burst yesterday.
It happened.
I've been feeling full for a while but I burst.
My mom did something for me that, let's be real, my parents wouldn't do.
They haven't done.
Not to that magnitude.
Not without strings attached.

And I quite literally burst.
More like I cried quietly in her office for about an hour.
I cried all the way home.
I cried in the shower.
And I woke up with puffy eyes and a full heart.

Because privacy is important to me, I'm not actually going to share what she did.
Just know it was big.
Huge actually.
And quite life changing for me.
But she did it in her typical way, no fanfare.

It was one of those "I care deeply about you and I see you" moments.
They don't happen often, but when they do, God really does move.

I love her.
I really do.
And she really love me too.

You know when the Bible says God can do exceedingly abundantly above all you could ask?
She's that.
She's my exceedingly abundantly above and I didn't even ask for her personally.
I apparently had some praying folks around me who prayed her into my life. As I've shared about her with different folk very close to me, I've found out that they were praying for someone like her.

She's the best thing that happened to me at Howard.
Hands down, forever.

30 years

Today, I watched my mom give reflections about her co-resident and best friend at her best friend's memorial service.

She was great....funny but poignant.

But what ended up bringing me to tears time and time again was the reality that this part of my life could be approaching sooner than I'm remotely prepared for.

You see Mom has been Mom for about....a month.

One of my mentors asked me....how do you see her? And I responded "In all honesty, I see her as a mom. I'd call her mom if I thought she'd be cool with it."

Then it snow balled. I told one friend and she started referring to her as "your mom." And finally I was in her office one day and I thought I was texting that friend and I actually tested Mom and she was like " well do you want to delete it off my phone without me reading it?"

And I sheepishly said "yes."
Then I was like you know what, fuck it. We refer to you as mom. My friend started that and I was texting her and it said something like "Mom said..."  and I went into this long explanation about how I've called other people mom before and its no biggie.
She was like its fine.
I think we both knew, to some degree, that it was a biggie.
A real biggie.
But that night, we let it roll.

And from then on... when we're alone, when I text her, when we talk on the phone, I call her Mom.
For her birthday, I wrote her a letter similar to the one you read and I put Mom on the card. And I talked about it.
I talked about the fact that it is a biggie.
Its nearly axis- altering in my life to be able to say my mom and not have that come from a mixed place. Its not that she never frustrates me or gets on my nerves, because she does but its different. Its that she doesn't hurt me on purpose, its that she treats me well, its that she's grateful for the things I do that I don't have to do....its that she's my mom.

Its in the here's money for this or that.
Its in the "have you eaten?"
Its in the "I got you this" without us having made a single plan to see each other that day.
Its big things and small things.

But yea, me calling her mom means a ton to me.
And then she told me a story.
She wasn't around that much because of residency training when her son was small so he doesn't really call her Mom. He calls her mostly by her first name. He knows she's his mom and they have a great relationship but still and all, he doesn't call her Mom.

And that was the Jesus moment. That was the...."here's why I put this on your heart, kid" from the Big Man Upstairs.
Because, you needed a mom...and she needed to hear someone calling her mom.

Because we all have needs right?

If that wasn't enough, today at the repasse, the wife of one of her coresidents from 30 years ago asked "Who are you?"
I replied "I'm her student."
She the exclaimed "Oh my God. I knew she didn't have a daughter but you sound just like her." She had been sitting on the same row as me, Mom's mom and Mom's sister during the service.
But what a compliment!
We sound alike?
Really?

And then....there was this moment.
I'd gotten Mom a sympathy card and I'd written Mom on the envelope, top left corner. I'd put it there to be slightly more discrete. For her birthday, I'd just written Mom across the center.
I handed it to her and she saw it.
Now this isn't the first time I've written Mom on something. I text her, say it to her, and she's saved i my phone as Mom.

BUT....this was the first time she'd been around her family when it happened. So she did a thing I never thought she would.

She showed her sister and her mom that I'd written "Mom" on the envelope and then proudly said "She calls me mom."
Now though the feelings aren't new, the language is and mostly not to confuse people ( and a little bit because its our personal thing) I don't do it in front of other students. After I graduate I will because then I won't care, but for now, my classmates know that she's not my bio mom so I just keep it private.

What I wasn't expecting was that she didn't want to keep it private. She wants people in her personal life, people that have seen me and know me, to know that this is what we're doing.
This is who we are.
A mom and a child.
It was such a pure moment.
I use to write about belonging all the time and this is that.
This is belonging.
This is words meaning something.

Anyway, her sister was like "She does what?" with Mom sitting there smiling all big.
And I said "I call her mom."
Her sister replied "Well she doesn't have a daughter so that makes sense."

Let me also tell you this....today scared me.
Those boys got up there and talked about their mother and they were excellent but you see....that kinds of things they got to say were the result of 30+ years with their mother.

I'd like 30 years with my Mom too, please.
And considering that she just became my Mom in the last year, I need those years.
I don't know how they did it.
There's no way I could have read pages of material that I'd written about my Mom.
I'd have gone to the mic and just cried.
Every time my mind even remotely wandered to losing my Mom, I would start to lose it.
Because this is my mom's classmate and coresident.
They're the same age.
It really puts things in perspective.

So yea, I will drive back and forth to see you.
Yes, I will stay with you on night float.
Yes, I will read with you.
Yes, I will go to thanksgiving with you.

I want my 30 years of memories.
God. I need 30 years with my Mom.

Mom

What can I saw about her?

She challenges me, stretches me, nudges me gently toward adulthood while always treating me like a smart and capable child.

She makes me feel like I'm enough.
She sees me and she isn't disappointed.

Mom,

Wow, you're 60. It feels like I've been spending time with you forever; I think that's what safety feels like. That's what you are to me: safe. Until you know danger, you can't properly value safety and I am so grateful that God allowed us to find each other. You are the best thing that happened to me at Howard. Though it may not seem like it, it means a great deal to me to call you mom. To know you are proud of the totality of who I am is a comfort I didn't know I needed, until you offered it to me without reservation. You make my heart smile.
I am so grateful for who you are in my life and for the time you've poured into me. You decided to love me well before I was able to accept it, but I'm glad you kept after me. Thanks for being my mom.

Happy Birthday!

Love,

Philise

So Many Things....

So much has happened and I haven't blogged at all!

I'm going to do better I promise.

Let me write a list of the upcoming posts....

Detroit: The Good, The Bad, and The Lesson

Relationship Escalation: Chosen Family

How JHU Continues to be Trash....except Pathology

OBGYN Mentors: May We Have Them and Trust Them

Where I Am Now

Study Days

I did 9 blocks today.....7 of which were brand new questions.


That's what August 2018 is.....nothing but question blocks.

Jesus be a 237 on Step 2CK.

Amen.

Here We Are Again

LGBT culture is your parents knowing absolutely nothing about you.

This was a tweet I just saw and I think its apropos for this moment.

For my 31st birthday, I posted a status that said

As I walk into not only my 31st trip around the sun and my fourth year of med school, I'm constantly humbled by what it means to be trained to be a Howard physician. I couldn't have dreamed of the opportunities I've had in my training here. I'm amazed by the nurturing relationships I've established and the ways in which I've learned to say no. Being Black, Christian,gay, liberal, Southern, a formally trained scientist, and a med student has its challenges but it also has so much joy. Here's to #30Won!

I posted this on my birthday. Nearly a month later, it was read to my mom verbatim at choir rehearsal.

Now say what you want, I had always intended for my gay life not to interact with my parents little bubble. I realize this is a limiting way to live but, in my opinion, separate was the only way we were going to be happy. They don't want to be the couple with a gay daughter and I'm gay. So my longterm plan has always been to move far enough away that my openly gay future with my wife and kids isn't a thing that readily seeable from NC.  I've never voiced this to them but, its nevertheless been my blueprint.

So my mom starts blowing up my phone. I'm ignoring it.
Then my dad calls twice. Now I'm like that's 4 calls.
So I answer....mostly to tell them to stop calling me because every time they call it interrupts my question block as I get calls on my iPad.

Then my mother asks me about this whole post thing.
Then she tells me to take it down.
My dad does too.
I initially refused because as I told them "I'm not ashamed or embarrassed."
My dad's response was "that others' are embarrassed for you."

I ultimately took out just the word "gay."
Not because I'm ashamed, but because I honestly never intended for my life to run into theirs in such an uncontrolled manner.
Coming home with a wife is different from coming home just to say I'm gay.

I'd always intended to say the former.

They are very concerned about their social bubble exploding, about being laughed about behind their backs. My being gay is worse than an out of wedlock child, worse than drugs even.
My being gay someone says to them that they failed.
The conversation they've been having with my sister is
"Why doesn't she think about anyone else?"
"We've done some much for her and she doesn't care"

Neither of these are true. I do care and I do think about other people.
I just didn't realize that in three years you'd do no reconciling about my homosexuality.
I didn't realize that they way you vote isn't the way you feel.
I know they've done a lot for me financially.
They are a huge part of who I am and a huge part of who I am not.
I am my Dad's take care of my family and provide.
I am my Mom's love of books.
I am my Dad's keen interest in administration.
I am my Mom's decorative spark.

But I am not neither of their close-minded ways.
I am not my mother's sorority member.
I am not my father's being fat will hinder you in everything you do.


Yes, I came out to my parents 3 years ago. I came out publicly 4 years ago.  Now let me tell what lessons I learned in all of this.

1. They don't honestly believe I'm gay.
I'm not planning to convince them either. If you were to come to my house, you'd know I was gay but I control that narrative but not having all my art on display all the time. It is now because I'm not expecting any company but when my parents come, I have been known to hide a piece of art or two.

Next, I have never thought having a significant other was something to write home about. The two women I've mentioned to my parents have both been women I could see myself marrying. Now, I didn't specifically say those words or even the word girlfriend but I did mention them by name.
They know about my ex.
They know about the math teacher.
They just don't realize they know.

They also don't realize there everyone at my medical school knows. My sister often says that I make my gayness the center of my personality but that's not what I do. What I do is tell people I'm gay upfront because I don't want to waste any of my time, attention, or love on someone who is fundamentally opposed to my life.
That's my goal.
I don't think you deserve me if you have a problem with gay people so I want to know upfront if that's how you feel.
After that, I'm just having general conversation but I need to know where you stand first. And considering that I'm a femme identified, dress wearing, pedicure getting lesbian people will miss that I'm gay if I don't say something.
So I say something to make sure you're worth my time, and then I proceed from there.
That's why the whole school knows, why my mentors know, my friends.

I didn't tell B and D and the rest of my mentors because I had nothing to talk about. I told them because I needed to know who they were as people and because I have a deep need to be known intimately by the people I trust the most. The more information you have about me, the better answer I can get from you about what I should or shouldn't do in any given situation.

As for my parents, they didn't see the scrapbook of me and my ex, didn't read these posts or any posts about her or the math teacher. They didn't see the pictures of the math teacher and I at Winter formal for my med school or out dancing. They didn't know she was coming to my house and we were walking to Coldstone. None of those things are things they know about so for them, it didn't happen.

But it did.
It mattered.
Its important to me.
And if I thought I could show it to you, I would.

2. My plan is a good one because they still don't want me to "bring all that gay shit around us."

Right now, this doesn't really have a lot of purpose.
However, I am going to get married.
I will have a wife.
I will have a wedding.
I plan to have kids.

And I also plan to have a busy academic medicine career.
I'll be taking 4+ calls a month.
I'll be working weekends.
I'll have students who want my input and some who just need me to tell them they're okay, much like I've needed my mentors for.

I say all of this to say, my homosexuality will be a part of everything that happens outside of the hospital. My time will be limited. This means that any time I can spend with my wife and kids, I'll be trying to do just that. Now, if my wife and kids and I, aka my family, can all be around my parents and be treated with respect then we can spend extended weekends in NC.
We can go on vacation with my parents.

But if that's not possible, then I'll be with my family. Maybe they can visit if they know how to act.
If they can understand that this is my family and that all these kids have my last name and that they're all mine regardless of whether or not they came out of my uterus, then they can visit us and my life will remain a non-factor in their bubble in NC.

If that's not the case, catch me at the family reunion with my whole family.
And if my family isn't welcome, I won't be either and none of us will be there.

If they can't tolerate my family coming to NC AND they don't want to accept my family in my own home, they'll see me at family funerals that are inconvenient for my family to attend. I will only leave my family at home if they can't come for a reason of their own schedule, not because you're uncomfortable.

That "don't bring that gay shit around us" thing doesn't leave much room for them to have any type of relationship with me that involves seeing me.

You know what it does leave room for?
All these lovely women who have mentored me becoming the Grandmas that come and stay a week or the people we visit.
There's a Grandma B in the future for sure.
There's a Grandma V.

If my parents abdicate their roles because of their own issues, they'll miss out, because us not coming to NC for the long weekend doesn't mean we aren't going anywhere.
It also doesn't mean we didn't fly Grandma B in to hang out.
Just like we could travel to see my med school friends, we could be traveling to see "chosen family" as well.

And really far down the line, don't be upset when we live in DC, work in DC, and you finally come around to realizing what you're missing and decide to visit only to see all the pictures of all the years you missed.
Births mirroring my own with painted nails cradling my babies that aren't yours...
Vacations with my classmates' families, conferences with my mentors, school plays and recitals and horseback riding competitions and soccer tournaments.
Don't be upset that Grandma B does bedtime with the kids or that they still want to go hang out with her every Saturday like they've been doing.
Don't be mad when they're more interested in their "chosen" cousins than talking to you.
Don't be surprised when I tell you a certain weekend doesn't work or us because we got plans with their Grandma and you and I both know that I don't mean you.
Don't be hurt when you find out that someone my kids call Grandma, lives in our house with us.
Please don't....because actions have consequences.