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Romans 12:1

I appeal to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship.

A living sacrifice. You know I thought I was doing this for a long time. I thought that I was doing this with my sexual expression. I was very boastful about my celibacy. I definitely thought I was "holier" than other people because I could avoid such temptation even if I didn't say it out loud. Oh.....can I tell you that something you don't want is not in fact temptation? Because it ain't! I'm not making a sacrifice by not eating olives. I don't like olives. That's not a sacrifice. Much in the same vein, abstaining for sexual behavior with men wasn't a sacrifice. It wasn't something I wanted but because it was something other people couldn't seem to stop doing I thought very highly of myself. Can I tell you God will fix you if you're in that space? He sure fixed my cute little attitude that wasn't so cute. When I actually figured out what sexuality is all about....yea that's exactly when I learned about what celibacy actually is. And celibacy....is no game. Not at all.

The thing about making a sacrifice unto God is that it has to cost you something. If it doesn't cost you something, its not a sacrifice. I've made many sacrifices in my life for God but this one I'm currently walking in is so much difference because it actually requires me to lean on Him. I've got to seek Him because the human in me isn't really about this celibacy life. This can be true in different parts of your life but for me, its sexual expression. I am now making a sacrifice to God, that He's told me He wants, but nonetheless I have to walk that out. Its a much different mental space. Its a space of great vulnerability and humility cause when I tell you I need Him...I'm for real. I also know He's got me waiting because He's built me for 100%. He's built me for long term abiding intimacy.

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Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].

So....let me tell you about this verse in my life. Um....yea. So listen...I consider the way I approach love to be a renewing of the mind. Instead of letting culture tell me what same gender loving folks do, I do what the Word says is pleasing and appropriate. I'm chasing after God because He said All things. I know what I'm doing is a demonstration that other people haven't ever seen because they tell me so. Chasing after God while being in love with a woman you're praying and fasting for and believing for? Yea that's not your garden variety homosexuality. That's not your garden variety heterosexuality. That's a new thing. Its a new ideal and a new attitude.

On so many levels, God has impressed upon me the fact that He wants my life to be an example of His blessing and His grace and love towards same gender loving folks. As such, I've got so much work to do. He's told me where I'm going to be and given me a heart to do things like work in marriage ministry but I've got to get to a place in my relationship with Him, my relationship with my future wife, and our relationship with God to do that. Currently...He's got me working on this me and Him thing and praying about her and Him. That's where I'm at. And that's a daily activity. If He wants to make an example of me, I've got to get as close to Him as I can because there is no way Phil can do this under her own power. No way.

Romans 12:7-8

He whose gift is] practical service, let him give himself to serving; he who teaches, to his teaching;

He who exhorts (encourages), to his exhortation; he who contributes, let him do it in simplicity and liberality; he who gives aid and superintends, with zeal and singleness of mind; he who does acts of mercy, with genuine cheerfulness and joyful eagerness.

So the Bible clearly says each is given gifts. Sometimes a person's gifts make no sense to you. If you're not a server, then you're not. I happen to be. I'm really good at completing tasks. What I love here is that the Word says contribute out of what you're good at not out of what someone else wants. This reminds me of the love languages. If you're not a gift giver, don't feel bad if you're with someone who is. That's just not your gift. If you're a time person and your contribution is time, value that. Everyone can't do the time thing. Be excited about what God's given you because I promise, someone is looking for that thing you're giving. Someone needs it. 

Romans 12:12-13

Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of God’s people [sharing in the necessities of the saints]; pursue the practice of hospitality.

So verse 12 is asking for a whole lot. Lets unpack this. Be happy in your hopefulness. That's a good one. Why? Because how can you continue to hope in sadness? I'm hoping for lots of things and the prospect of God bringing them to pass brings about joy in my spirit. My God is seriously big enough and loves me enough to give me the things I love if I love Him earnestly? Yea....you better believe I'm happy. 

Now this middle portion is a ride. Be steadfast and patient in suffering<---not trivial. I've suffered and had tribulations and that steadfast thing is so hard. I love patterns so I developed some around suffering. I start my day with gospel...Gospel that tells me things I need to hear. I wouldn't characterize that as steadfast but I guess it was. Patient in suffering? Yea I wasn't about that life either. Can I tell you that nothing happened faster because I wanted it too? I didn't heal faster, I didn't move on faster, I wasn't happier faster just because I was impatient with God. Nope...not at all. The other thing about that is that there's purpose in the process. When I look down at the scars that litter my body and my spirit I know that I needed to have each and every one to be the person writing this blog right now. To have an attitude of gratitude, I needed to walk this thing out. 

The idea of continuous prayer isn't one that require you to get on your knees all the time. When I tell you I call on Jesus with great regularity, I tell you no lie. Can I also tell you that "Jesus" is a whole prayer. A complete one and I pray it often. I love a good knee bent prayer but sometimes I've got to offer a prayer in the car and keep it pushing. 

Lastly do what you can for the people you know belong to you and to whom you belong. I try really hard to be the kind of person I'd want to be friends with. I'm also southern so there's some culture mixed in there but mostly, I just want to help you if I have something you can use. I just want God to use me however He needs too because I know it'll bless me and give Him glory. If my living brings Him glory, it hasn't been in vain.

Romans 12:14

 Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them.

 Honesty moment: I fail at this a lot. I use a lot of foul language. I love a good cuss word. Love them! I use them not to hurt people but for emphasis. I don't call folks out their names or cuss them out. Why? I'm so astounded that you've been mean to me that I generally never have a good come back. I just don't. Maybe that's God because I'm just not quick witted enough to snap back. I'm smart...not quick witted. 

Romans 12:15

 Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others’ joy], and weep with those who weep [sharing others’ grief].

This one right here is a part of my life all the time as a mentor. When my mentee is happy, everyone is happy. When she's not, and its academic I've got to be about the business of fixing it but I also have to be sympathetic and empathetic. I haven't always been capable of this but its something I'm more and more able to do because I see it modeled constantly. One of the big things we do in diversity work is affirm. We are constantly lauding people for their accomplishments from paying off credit cards to staying sane in graduate school. Its not all about passing exams and defending dissertations. Sometimes its enough that you're still smiling at the end of your first semester of graduate education. Yea...I'm learning to celebrate with others and over them. My own mentor models it beautifully. 

The flip side of that is sharing the burden of grief that some have. Its not nearly as fun but can I offer that it helps you exercise parts of yourself that you rarely work? It does for me. I've got to be far more patient, kind, caring, considerate, compassionate, and understanding of those grieving. Its a stretch for me but I know its needed. I know He wants more from me in these places. Its not comfortable but its got purpose. Sometimes purpose is all I've got to lean on for reasoning...as I do. Heavily.

Romans 12:17

Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is honest and proper and noble [aiming to be above reproach] in the sight of everyone.

This is a place of integrity. Where your actions and your words not only match but are also upright. Can I tell you that not only do your actions need to be honest publicly but privately? Yea...that's vital. What you do or believe in private will be on display even if its just subtly. I try to practice privately what I profess publicly because I can't really do a mismatch. Like I said, I'm a 100% person. I need it to be all in. I'm not able to work out a mismatch because I can't really stand firmly on that. I do my own private study of the Word because I base my life on it. How can you base your life on something you haven't read? You can't...or at least you shouldn't. 

Romans 12:19

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God’s] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord.

Listen...I don't want or need God's wrath any where near me. Sure do not! So let me not do things that would bring that about. I need to be standing under the fountain of grace at all times. You know I remind myself of this verse when I am wronged though because I know....I know what God has for them is the behavior modifier they actually need. I'll let Him do that. Sure will. 

Birthday Shenanigans!

Present Opening

I love that he loves books!

More sugar overloading

New PJs!

and a new bedtime story to found out the night!

Happy Birthday LP!

4 Year Ago Today

This little peanut

is now this big boy!

Happy 4th Birthday my little love! Auntie love you!

Presents and Presence

God's sent me some gifts in the form of people. When I think about how Kathy and I happened to become friends...it was literally because Kacey, my SPGRE program director, wasn't in her office and Kathy was. That's how it started. I didn't even really know Kathy but I got to. And now...I go sit in Kathy's office at least 2 hours a week.
When I got candidacy, I called Kathy.
When I got an interview at Howard, I called Kathy.
When I passed my defense, I called Kathy.
When I wasn't sure I'd get in despite having heard from God about it, Kathy encouraged me.
When I got into Howard, Kathy celebrated with me.
When I was watching the baby, we visited Kathy all the time.
When I applied to get my apartment, Kathy and I discussed it.
When Amanda died, I called Kathy.
When I came out to my parents, Kathy and I discussed it and prayed about it at length.
When that didn't go well, I went right back to Kathy's office.
When I got my apartment, we celebrated again.
And now that I'm leaving, she's thrilled for me.

This is who we are.

She's one of my gifts.

All I'm saying is...look around. See who's crossing your path. Those might be divine intersections. I sure did have some.

Romans 11:5

So too at the present time there is a remnant (a small believing minority), selected (chosen) by grace (by God’s unmerited favor and graciousness).

Nothing I've ever done or will do entitle me to the relationship I have with God. I'm not intrinsically special. Me and God doing our thing is exclusive between us but you can do your thing with Him too.  I'm not a part of the remnant because of anything but faith. Can I tell you that the grace I've found become I believe blew my mind? It did. Because guess what? Its not all on me. Its actually not on me at all. He's got this and me. Sometimes all I have to do is show up and listen to the Spirit and it gets done. Yesterday, when this situation with my lack of publication due to patenting came up...it was cleared up in a matter of hours. I was chosen by grace and I live in it. There aren't words....there just aren't.

Romans 11:6

But if it is by grace (His unmerited favor and graciousness), it is no longer conditioned on works or anything men have done. Otherwise, grace would no longer be grace [it would be meaningless].

When I think more broadly about relationships I hold dear, they aren't based on what I've done for those people. Most relationships, good ones anyway, are based on something deeper and more amorphous. I can't explain to you what it feels like when I look at my love. I can't tell you why my mentor's words are so powerful. I don't know why no matter who's in the room, if I'm there she rests her eyes on me. I can't explain why I feel like if I can be in the room, I need to be there. I can't tell you about why I'm so committed to my undergrad's success. It just is. When you take that back to God...Do y'all know me? I'm not that awesome. I mean I am to myself but I'm not really. The thing about grace is that it isn't earned. I don't have any special claim to it other than the fact that I belong to Him. Grace comes from God alone. I'm just grateful to be in it, under it, surrounded by it, drowning in it, and overwhelmed by it. I think all relationships have a modicum of grace in them. Without it, well we'd be without.

Romans 11:18

Do not boast over the branches and pride yourself at their expense. If you do boast andfeel superior, remember it is not you that support the root, but the root [that supports] you.

Listen....let me not ever get boastful. I know better. I know I know better. Have you seen me? Like really seen me? I'm not what you see when I walk out the door. The person I really am...that person has nothing to boast about. That person needs help and she gets it daily from Above. I know for myself that without this relationship with God, I'd be so far adrift and without security. If you know me, you know I need security. I need to know you're staying. I need to feel like if I reach out from you, you'll be there. Its sort of like how I'm a cuddler. I want to be able to feel you. I know God knows that about me. I think that's why we do this thing the way we do. He knows I need to feel Him constantly. I'm so glad He made me a studier because I can facilitate my own security through reading and writing when He's not literally speaking to my heart. I've got to be connected to Him.

Can I offer that my connection to Him allows me to be a whole lot less dependent on other connections? This isn't to say there aren't people that get me down to the core of who I am, but I don't need a whole lot of that. When I think about how much time I need to spend with Him, I don't have a ton of time left over to do this deep of a thing with other people. Now, community is important and I've got folks that have me like that but still and all. I think having this relationship with Him lets me be cool alone. I don't really get lonely. I'm perfectly fine alone and I think that's because of what me and Him have got. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He's the one.

Romans 11:23

And even those others [the fallen branches, Jews], if they do not persist in [clinging to] their unbelief, will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again.

So the way me and God do this thing hasn't always been like this. If you really want to look at it, you can go back in this blog and figure out the first day I started writing about Him. We've done other things in the past and I've been a fast and pray person for ages but I want to talk about coming back into relationship for a second.

Relationships take work. Diligent, faithful, consistent work. No relationship I'm in lets me just coast through. I've got to show up. I've got to put forth some effort. Often times I have to make sacrifices. Diligence in relationships is key. I have to show you I care or you won't know it. Its vital to communicate to the people you love that you do in fact love them. That can mean different things for different relationships but it's still a must.  When I say consistent I mean that. There isn't one relationship I'm in where there isn't some level of consistency of contact. With some its daily. With some its weekly. But the thing is....it has to happen. I don't let that fall by the wayside. I make the time to do that because it matters. I do this very thing with God. I've got to. We're in relationship and He's always there so I've got to do my part too.

One of the things I've found about relationships is that they will change you. You can't continue to be who you were when you entered the relationship because inevitably whatever you walk through with that person or in your own life will alter your thoughts, feelings, and perspective. People change you. I know the person I was before I met YiLing isn't who I am today. I know the person I was when I was simply being mentored isn't who I am not that I'm someone's mentor. I know walking out of my defense a PhD changed me because five men told me that academically, I'd made it through the shear brutality of science. I'd been working with those guys to get to this point for 5.5 years.

Can I offer that that can be scary? That knowing relationship will change you can be a reason not to engage? I know it has for me. The deeper I go into relationship with anyone the more I know they have the capacity to affect me....and for some to change me. That's what my relationship with God is like. It changes me and challenges me in ways I could have never foreseen. And sometimes, I don't want to surrender to the things God wants to grow in me or prune out of me. I've got to believe that He's got better for me. That the way He's changing me will only be for my good. Try it...He'll do it and He'll do it suddenly.

Romans 11:29

For God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]

So....God's not going away and nothing He's called you to is going go unaccomplished. Got it. Now what do I do with it? For me, that's where relationship comes in. He's reveal different things and ways He's called me to bring Him glory so now I've got to walk out the process of getting there. The journey is the relationship. How I've gotten to where I am isn't because He told me where I'd be and I went there, I had to grow to there. I'll have to walk and sometimes wander to there but I'll get there eventually. This reminds me of one of my favorite tee shirts. It says " Sometimes its better to travel than to arrive." Walk with me Lord, walk with me.

Romans 11: 32-34

For God has consigned (penned up) all men to disobedience, only that He may have mercy on them all [alike].

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unfathomable (inscrutable, unsearchable) are His judgments (His decisions)! And how untraceable (mysterious, undiscoverable) are His ways (His methods, His paths)!

For who has known the mind of the Lord and who has understood His thoughts, or who has [ever] been His counselor?

 As we've already established, Phil is wrong constantly. And God's mercy endureth forever. Check! I got that. My friend Kathy offered me this last week. "If you can think of it, God's bigger." I think that's what these verses are really saying. He's more in each and every direction that's holy and righteous than we can ever imagine. Even when its hard, and its hard at least weekly, I know His ways are better and higher than mine. And when I know it but don't feel it, I grab me some gospel music and this Bible and sometimes I just cry. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I just sit. Can I tell you that He'll fix it for you even if all He does is alter your perspective of who He is and what He's doing? Yea....He's that good.

Romans 11:36

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. [For all things originate with Him and come from Him; all things live through Him, and all things center in and tend to consummate and to end in Him.] To Him be glory forever! Amen 

Well...that's just a fact. Nothing came into existence without Him. No thing. The hard truth of that is that that nothing includes heartache, devastation, hopelessness, misery, death, and pain. All of that came from Him and through Him. Can I offer that He can use all those things to draw you closer? He did that with me. Every single time those things were a part of my life, they've drawn me closer. They don't have to but for me they did. They taught me something...something about God and about me and about me and God.

When I tell you this isn't always the case, I know that. I know that because I watched a friend who reached out to me in her time of bereavement because of my faith run full speed from God. Yea....that was hard. Especially because I wanted Him for her but she wasn't ready. One day she will be but she wasn't then. Grief can do that. She lost both her parents. She couldn't and still can't understand how a loving God does that. I haven't got the answers but He does. He does and He's the only one with them. That's the truth. That's all I've got. That and this: God is love. Even when you can't understand what's going on, He's the same.  He's still faithful and loving and kind and generous and benevolent and forgiving and merciful and righteous and holy. He's still God.

Where I Belong: Part 1

"You belong to us whether you want to or not"

~Kathy

He is the Truth

I've got worth issues. I always have. Its some parts imposter syndrome and some parts lack of early assurance that I was good enough, not just my grades. I don't often dwell on them but they're there. Below the surface, they're down there hanging out.

"You know you're not good enough"
"You know you're not that smart"
"They didn't accept your dissertation without revisions"
"You know you're not that pretty"
"You're annoying"
"No one is really going to want to be with you long term"
"No one is going to love you"

But God! See God does this thing in me that says

"You're lovely"
"I'm jealous for your heart"
"I love you, even unto death"
"You're my beloved"
"I've brought you this far"
"I'll never leave of forsake you"

And its not like all those other things go away. Those other statements are still there but the truth is what God says about me. Can I offer that despite knowing that in my head, I don't feel it all the time? Because that is the bare naked truth. Sometimes I let those first statements be louder than what God is telling me about who I am. That's why I need to do this work. That's why I've got to seek His face and read His word. I've got to get on my knees and listen to this gospel music so that I can reinforce the truth in my life. And sometimes...listening to Gospel has been literally all I could muster. Can I tell you He's faithful if you let Him in? What I love about Christianity is that it requires us to permit God to be with us. He wants to be but He's not going to force Himself on us. Listen, I need Him to be with me cause that first list has literally put me in the bed, on my back.

I love God, not only for who He is but for who He says I am. If I ever need a boost in confidence, I slide right on into Psalms because it tells me who my God is and thus where my help comes from. God can also use people in this way. The beautiful thing about having people around you who you can be transparent with is that they know these things about you. People in my innermost circle know that that first list exists in my head and you know what they do? They also tell me the truth. We were created for community and mine....mine is top notch.

Romans 10:4

For Christ is the end of the Law [the limit at which it ceases to be, for the Law leads up to Him Who is the fulfillment of its types, and in Him the purpose which it was designed to accomplish is fulfilled. That is, the purpose of the Law is fulfilled in Him] as the means of righteousness (right relationship to God) for everyone who trusts in and adheres to andrelies on Him.

 Y'all......By now...like over 200 entries in....y'all know me. Y'all know my ways. Okay, maybe you don't know all of them but can I tell you that they aren't law keeping ways? There is NO BLACK WAY I could, can, or will ever be able to keep the law. And I think the law is so confining for some because instead of knowing Him, you just try to keep the law. Can I tell you that nothing you do will ever be good enough and no work of your hands will ever be worthy? Because it won't. There's grace for that. There's grace for the fact that you're human so let it go. Yes, we should strive to do good thing by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us but guess what? That happens through relationship. That doesn't happen by trying to keep the law.
I use to think I was so holy because I've been celibate so long but I wasn't celibate because I believed my body was the temple of the Lord or because I felt He wanted that type of sacrifice from me. I was celibate so I could say I was and boast about it honestly. I just wanted to be like "Everybody ain't able but I am cause I'm so holy." <---Not cute at all. Let me tell you about how the Lord has worked with me on that. He's been so much more gracious to be in that than I'd ever thought He would be. His words to me on the subject "Can you say forsaking all others you would choose her?" God's looking for devotion to a single person from me. What's He looking for from you? That's what relationship will do for you.

Romans 10:8-9

But what does it say? The Word (God’s message in Christ) is near you, on your lips and in your heart; that is, the Word (the message, the basis and object) of faith which we preach,

Because if you acknowledge and confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and in your heart believe (adhere to, trust in, and rely on the truth) that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

So salvation is two fold. You've got to believe it in your heart and you've got to confess it. So I know uttering words isn't difficult but that heart thing....that heart thing is real. God wants to know you believe for real. And He will know....don't think you can hide from Him. I've been blessed to believe a long time but I know that faking the funk with God, even just a little, isn't going to work. In my relationship with Him, when I'm doubting, He's right there like "You know I know." And He does. He's been so faithful in the times I've doubted to give me extra confirmation of what He's said. Even when He doesn't though, I've got the Word. The Word says "I am that I am." Trust Him...He's never failed before.

Romans 10:10

For with the heart a person believes (adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Christ) and so is justified (declared righteous, acceptable to God), and with the mouth he confesses (declares openly and speaks out freely his faith) and confirms [his] salvation.

I'm listening to Justified right now. Its one of my favorites. Its the belief in Christ that makes us acceptable because with belief comes the washing away of our iniquities. The work of the cross is only for you if you believe it was. You've got to believe. 

The thing about belief is its not that easy. You can say you believe but if in your quiet time you don't,  then you don't. Lord, help my unbelief is a whole, complete, and entire prayer. And I pray it often over the things He's promised me. You can pray it over having faith at all. There are so many places where I need help believing. Can I tell you He's benevolent in that? There's loving kindness there. And that that same loving kindness God gives you....you can give some to yourself. I try really hard not to beat myself up when I recognize doubt in myself and just tell God "Hey, I still need some help in this area." He's got that. He's the ultimate source of help.

Romans 10:11

The Scripture says, No man who believes in Him [who adheres to, relies on, and trusts in Him] will [ever] be put to shame or be disappointed.

Never have I ever been ashamed or disappointed by God. Can I tell you that perspective is what allows me to say that? Somehow, someway I've always known that He was for me. Before I really know Him for myself, I knew that. And even after I knew Him and I wasn't getting what t thought I should be, I still knew it wasn't God's fault.

 I will say this. I use to think I was a pawn. I thought God used me and moved me around to do His will but He wasn't interested in what makes me happy. That was back in the day when I didn't really know who He'd made me to be. I'd spent years praying for things that I thought I wanted that I really didn't want. I'd prayed prayers that were a manifestation of loneliness, not my heart's true desire. Can I tell you that when I was hurt by what I thought God was doing that that was a perspective issue? It was. I perceived Him a certain way instead of believing what the Word says about who He is and observing the data in my life that said otherwise. Because He wasn't doing this specific thing, I took that as my sole proof that He didn't care what I really wanted it. Now as a scientist, I'd never base anything on a single piece of data but I wasn't a scientist then. When you know better, you do better. He wants abundantly above what I can ask or imagine for me. That's the truth. I'm clinging to that.

Romans 10:15

And how can men [be expected to] preach unless they are sent? As it is written, How beautiful are the feet of those who bring glad tidings! [How welcome is the coming of those who preach the good news of His good things!]

Sometimes, God sends you places. Sometimes He sends you people. Can I tell you that I've been blessed each and every time He's sent me somewhere or to someone? I have been. And according to the people He's sent me, they were blessed too. (That embarrasses me slightly but hey...what can you do?) On a slightly less spiritual note, I have beautiful feet. I actually pride myself on it and protect them diligently by wearing shoes that don't rub against them. I paint them, soak them, and take care of them. Can I tell you that we should protect our hearts the same way? I don't let things that will rub me the wrong way come around me. I don't let people who don't endeavor to do good to me get too close. I've only given my heart away a few times and I've only let people sow into my heart after they've proven themselves. Can I tell you that doesn't always work though? I've had to hide my heart in God so that its truly safe. He's safe. <--That much I know for sure. Because He's safe and my heart is protected, I can show you a much better, more loving, kinder, and more compassionate person. I am made my beautiful by my relationship with Him. 

He's Alright

Yesterday I cried in church. More than a little.

Yes, I am often moved by the Spirit but yesterday I cried because they read my graduation announcement. Pastor had me stand up and the entire church gave me a standing ovation. So yea....I cried. I've been a member of this church since I was in utero. I love that they're proud of me. Pastor called me a "Motivational opportunity" and talked about how I inspire the youth around me. I actually didn't hear this part...my mom told me afterwards. Yup I'm a cry baby.

This obviously ties back into the theme of belonging but I've got a different thing to say today. Last night when I told someone else about this situation who happens to know I'm gay, they were like "you know the church isn't expecting any foolishness out of you" as if to say that the way I love isn't good enough...that homosexual love is foolish. Yes, I belong to the church but who I love and how isn't their business. And even if it was, the person they've seen me become and helped shape is all the things they should want me to be: kind, considerate, helpful, loving, interested in children, and devoutly Christian.  I was struck by the idea that you can belong to someone and that belonging doesn't require you to change who you are fundamentally. It may require you to change the way you treat them but who you are? No one needs me to be less Black to be in a relationship with me. No one needs me to be right handed either. If either of these things were required, I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do about that. The same thing is true about who I love. It just is. If you don't love me simply because who I love isn't who you want me to love....I can't do a single thing about that.

What I love about God though... belonging to Him changes you but doesn't require you to do the changing. The Spirit is on top of all the changing I'm going through. I've given some considerable effort in my relationship with God from my point of view but I can't do anything that will ever be worthy of the grace He extends me. God knows exactly who I am and He chose me anyway. Jesus died for me, not despite who I am, but because He wanted a relationship with me. If He wants me....I'm good.

Romans 9:15-16

 For He says to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy and I will have compassion (pity) on whom I will have compassion.

So then [God’s gift] is not a question of human will and human effort, but of God’s mercy. 

Yea...I didn't do that on purpose. I had no idea what the first scripture for today said. Y'all know He likes to handle me like this. That last paragraph about belonging to God goes right on into this. He's extending compassion and mercy because its who He is. There is nothing I'll ever do to earn anything from God. The only thing I'm due is death because sin is very much a part of my life despite my own efforts. I fail miserably often, I fall short of the mark every single time and every single time His mercy is like freshly baked banana bread in the morning. He's got a fresh, piping hot dose of compassion for me and I need it. The gift of belonging to Him is that I don't have to do anything but surrender to Him and He's got the rest. I'd love to say I trust Him fully and I do on good days. Doubt is real but so is His faithfulness. He's perfecting my faith all the time and its the most amazing and terrifying experience but I believe. I believe more of my bad days than I ever have. Oh Great Jehovah, you're so much more than I could ever hope for, dream, or imagine. You just are.

Romans 9:18

So then He has mercy on whomever He wills (chooses) and He hardens (makes stubborn and unyielding the heart of) whomever He wills

So this is a hard one. Yea...God has mercy on us but He can also not have mercy on us. Sometimes in my life He's wanted to push me and He has.....hard. I knew someone was in my life specifically because God placed her there and when she wasn't there any more I didn't...no couldn't understand. I know a lot more about that now but in that moment, I was just without. And not only without but without the one I thought He'd sent me to show me a certain type of maternal love.  So yea....that didn't feel good. And it wasn't good for a long time. I went to counseling and everything. 

Now...on the back end of figuring that whole thing out I can see what He did but it wasn't easy or comfortable when He was doing it. It shook me that He could give me something and tell me He had and then take that thing back. Can I offer that I learned a lot by losing her? Because the truth of that is that if you love someone and you sever communication with them, they are essentially gone. Now God can take anyone from anywhere and bring them right on back to you but until He actually does that they are gone. I had to feel what that felt like. And it felt like hell. Half the reason the pages of my Bible are wrinkled is because of that situation. In the midst of all of that....I actually started reading my Bible. Like for reals. I never ever conceived of the idea that this person I'd loved who was no longer a part of my life, would be again. I thought that was it.  Finished. Done.  

When I tell you He's done such an amazing job in the part with the mercy that I'm dumbstruck. I never thought I'd have her back like this. I never thought we'd get here. I never thought she'd do the work. I honestly didn't think she wanted this any more but she does. Can I offer that if she hadn't I'd have been okay? I would have been....because I did the work. I felt all that stuff and more and I was fine. I was so fine that God had to tell me directly "hey girl, let her back in." 

Trust Him y'all. He's got this thing. And tell yourself to trust Him until you do. Doubt is real. So is He.

Romans 9:21

Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same mass (lump) one vessel for beauty and distinction and honorable use, and another for menial or ignoble anddishonorable use?

God can do what He wants to do. Like...period. What I love about knowing that He died on the cross for me is that He wants me to have more than I could ever ask for. He wants me to have life more abundantly and not only that but to have it with Him. There's something different about being a Christian. It means that all those things, beautiful things the Bible talks about are mine. They're my inheritance. I know that God can do whatever He wants and I also know His word doesn't return void. I'm so thankful that in my free will, I chose Him. Its the only decision I've ever made that matters.

Romans 9:25

Just as He says in Hosea, Those who were not My people I will call My people, and her who was not beloved [I will call] My beloved.

 Beloved. I love this word. I use it all the time with my own beloved. The dictionary says it means dearly loved. That's how I feel about her. But I'm human and I'm only but so capable of loving. I love her as much as I love myself but that pales in comparison to the way God loves. God loves us to death and back to life. Like.....what? He loves us in ways we can't really comprehend. If His thoughts are higher than ours, than His love is too. Belonging....being called His own means everything to me. It actually means life...more boldly lived and brightly imagined than I'll ever know.

Romans 9:27

And Isaiah calls out (solemnly cries aloud) over Israel: Though the number of the sons of Israel be like the sand of the sea, only the remnant (a small part of them) will be saved [[b]from perdition, condemnation, judgment]!

Everyone who thinks they belong to Him doesn't. I'm so acutely aware of that fact. He will tell some that He doesn't know them. I'm glad I'm not one of those people. I know I know Him for myself. And as the old people say...."He's alright."

Romans 9:30-32

What shall we say then? That Gentiles who did not follow after righteousness [who did not seek salvation by right relationship to God] have attained it by faith [a righteousness imputed by God, based on and produced by faith],

Whereas Israel, though ever in pursuit of a law [for the securing] of righteousness (right standing with God), actually did not succeed in fulfilling the Law.

For what reason? Because [they pursued it] not through faith, relying [instead] on the merit of their works [they did not depend on faith but on what they could do]. They have stumbled over the Stumbling Stone.

 Listen...works won't work. Let that foolishment go! Please! Let it go! Faith is the only way you can have a relationship with Him. I use to think I could be good enough but let me tell you something. I have a much better view of myself and an ever growing view of God and I know its only by faith. There's nothing I can do worth anything. All the things I've done that are good are because He dwells within me. This relationship calls for one thing from me: faith. And that faith produced surrender and that surrender produces peace. I'm so grateful for who He is and who He's making me. I just want to be like Him. 

You In?

I like to look nice for certain occasions. Its not often but if there's a reason for me to have this good cleavage up, out, and at attention while giving you a serious thigh....I'm about that life. Now my family isn't quite the same. They want to look nice all the time. I think getting a PhD beat that out of me. There is NO way I'm wearing nice clothes to the lab. No way. Why? Because bad things happen to nice clothes in lab. The day you wear your favorite jeans is the day you spill Nitric Acid on yourself and it smooth clear eats a whole through your pants and leaves a nasty chemical burn down your leg at the same time. Yea....its a mess. So I've conditioned myself to wear basically whatever.

So like I said, my family isn't the same. They look nice a lot so I kind of stick out oddly as the one in flip flops. Yes flip flops. And generally I make decisions about where I'm going to go based on whether or not I have to dress up. A church that requires me to dress up? Nope! An evening out where I can't wear nice flip flops? Nope! For me dress shoes are boots or flip flops. I don't wear heels. I just don't. I can't walk in them and I have pretty feet that I'd like to remain that way.

I've held fast all my life to the idea that presentation doesn't matter too much as long as you show up. My family isn't about that life. Now that I'm older I know that in the ways that matter the most, showing up is the critical piece. In my relationship with God, I show up. I may not show up in heels....I may not even show up happy but I'm there. What I love about Christianity is that there's so much grace. I can show up with God in any form as long as I'm there. Also....when I leave Him, I'll be better. I feel the same way about all my closest relationships. I've only missed one activity that my mentor put on this year because it matters that I show up. I've almost never missed a call from my love. Why? Because showing up counts. My undergrad knows that day or night, she can hit my phone and I'll be right there mentally.

Also, I think about how God's word doesn't return void. I want the same to be true of me. If I say I'm going to do something/be somewhere, that's the truth. If I say you can lean on me as heavily as you need to for as long as you need to, I want that to be true even if its something only I know down to the core of who I am.  I want to be a person of my word. I want to be a person that can be relied on.

Romans 8:28

We are assured and know that [[j]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

THIS RIGHT HERE?!?!?! This is my scripture. This is the scripture that God has said to me multiple times. Every time something looks like it won't work out, God has said this to me. Even when things absolutely didn't work out on my time schedule, He said this to me. I couldn't quite hear it but I knew it. In hindsight, I can see how all things work together made sense with my not getting into medical school last year but in that moment I couldn't make sense of anything.

Now in my life, my faith has grown so much. He told me it would be Howard and it is. He then told me something else that seemed to contradict the Howard thing but He's told me repeatedly this truth of this verse so I just have to believe. All things not some things Phil. Its not truly a contradiction but its a guaranteed wait. Oh y'all know how I feel about waiting though.... I believe Him for the promise so I need to believe Him for however He's going to make that happen. Its a faith walk though. A long one. One that requires shoring up on every leaning side. I am by no means trying to say I haven't doubted. I doubted for probably a month before all the confirmation I was getting finally made me believe. I checked and checked and rechecked. I couldn't understand at all but the Word says it plainly here. All things.

All things work together so somehow, this is going to work together for good because I love Him and I'm on purpose. Can we parlay a minute. Being on purpose is so important. What I've found is that purpose isn't easy but its also not a burden just because its hard sometimes. I love purpose because there are so many intersections I have where I can go "yup, that was God." So many different places in my life have been affected because I'm on purpose instead of fighting for what I want. Fighting for what you want will wear you out. I did it for a smooth 4ish months. Honestly, I feel it took energy away from places it should have been but I know better now. I'm grateful for growth.

Romans 8: 29-30

For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was [k]aware and [l]loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.

And those whom He thus foreordained, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified (acquitted, made righteous, putting them into right standing with Himself). And those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity and condition or state of being].

When people try to argue with me that I'm not who I think I am, this verse right here is it. He knew me. He knew exactly who I am because He made me. Not only that, He knew I was going to become this person before I ever did. He's seen all the days of my life. He knew I'd believe Him the way I do. He knew it would take work, but I'd trust Him. I love the concept of justification. We have to write them in science. You're basically telling someone why you need a certain amount of money to do some work/research. God's justification equips me. I know I'm not able. I was never able but He makes me capable. He makes me the one who can accomplish His will. I love knowing when He's using me. Sometimes, if I'm quiet enough, I know in the moment but often in hindsight. The last time  I knew in the moment was when I took my undergrad to meet with my mentor. I knew in that moment that He was like "Uh huh, this is what I've been doing through and in you."

I'm so humbled.

Romans 8:32

 He who did not withhold or spare [even] His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all [other] things?

Girl.....He didn't spare His own child. Like....did not. Y'all better know my baby would be living and y'all would be smooth clear out of luck. He's so much greater and better and more than we could ever think of or imagine. When I think about the sacrifice He's already made, how can I not believe Him for all the other things He's said He will do or promised me? How can I not? The demonstration of love that God has shown us is so thorough that there's no legitimate room for doubt. Can I offer that doubt will sneak in anyway? It does with me all the time and I've got to come the Word and get some more truth in me so I can believe more deeply. I sometimes think promises from God are literal tethers to deeper places of faith. I feel like God is saying "Can you believe me for more? My promises don't return void but can you believe me for them?"

Romans 8:35

 Who shall ever separate us from Christ’s love? Shall suffering and affliction andtribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword?

 Listen....nothing can separate us. No thing. But can I offer that we separate ourselves in times of trouble? I know I have in the past and because I have it has been my heartfelt prayer for my love that she cling closer to Him than she ever has before... that she feel Him more tangibly that she has before. What I know to be true is that there's nothing out there for us in our pain. There's no place that going to actually help us other than the presence of God. Nothing I've ever done has been better for me than seeking Him. No matter what I've done, and I've done some pretty drastic things in pain, nothing has been better for me than getting on my knees. He's loved me when I quite literally didn't know how to love myself.  It can feel like there's no where to go to get away from our pain but He is a refuge. It can feel like there's nothing that can be done, but God is the creator of peace. When I think about the prayers I've offered I know that they are the most powerful thing I'll ever do for her. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks so she's a daily part of my prayer life.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things [n]impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers,

Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This is what is true. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Despite what people may say, think, or imagine, there is no sin the cross hasn't paid for. There is no pain the Jesus didn't bear for us. It may not feel like that in your storm, it surely didn't in mine but its still true. Death no longer separates us from God so what other thing could possibly separate us? He's for us and with us and calls us His own. We belong. I am His beloved. He's not going anywhere. I need that. I need to know He's always going to be there. I crave security in my relationships and without it I can't really rely or believe in a relationship. I have to know you're going no where. The Word says right here "Hey girl, I'll be here into infinite. Rest your spirit. I got you."