I love being alone. Not in a "I never go anywhere with people or do anything" but I do love being alone. As an extroverted introvert, I have to problem doing anything I want to do alone. I went to Australia for my 26th birthday alone. I wanted to go... so I went. I've been like that a long time. I'm the only person I know who goes to the movies alone, take herself on dates with herself, goes on vacation alone, and has only contemplated a roommate after undergrad once. Its actually a really comfortable existence because I can do anything! I don't have to wait for anyone to want to do what I want to do.
Now one of the things that being alone does for me is that it allows me to really know what I think. I do a lot of work alone: spiritual, emotional, and mental. What does that mean exactly? Glad you asked! It means I think a lot about my interactions with people. I replay conversations in my head all the time. I also replay interactions. I'm constantly looking for what I could have done better, more succinctly, with more grace, more lovingly, and with greater compassion. I'm trying to do better.
Emotionally, I write a lot. I write about a lot of things and it helps me process. I think often times people don't think about how they really feel. I use to lie to myself about a lot of things because I either didn't explore my own feelings about them or I was to oblivious because I had so many things going on to do so. A lack of personal exploration is one of the reasons it took me so long to figure out my sexuality. I didn't really analyze my feelings, I just let them exist. That's another things. Feelings are meant to be felt. We aren't simmering gravy. We're making risotto. You've got to get in there and stir, taste, add spices, stir, taste again until you like it or with feelings, until you understand them. That's what writing does for me. It also lets me say things I'd never utter.
Mentally, the work makes me available to others. I've already handled me for the day. I don't need to think about me....I can think about you or your situation. I'm free to not judge or not make it my own situation because I've handled that. I've turned my own life around, upside down, ran it in slow motion, and examined it thoroughly. So let's do the same with you if that's what you want. My brain is available.
One of the reasons I think people do tend to enjoy talking to me is because I'm actually fairly well read in a lot of areas thanks to my desire for solitude. I don't waste my time alone. I study a lot. My sister calls me the "brain trust" because she thinks I basically know about and have an opinion about everything. I'm the kind of person who runs across a topic while researching something else and takes a 30 minute detour to find out what that other thing is really about. That's me. I'm not actually a "brain trust" but I'm very curious about lots of things.
Ultimately, people were created for community. I actually think my solitary time makes me better in community. My favorite way to have community currently is via my cell phone. I talk on it all the time. I love twitter especially because I can offer my thoughts to people who actually signed up to hear them! I plan to join a church in DC and I'm a class liaison for my med school class already so I'm definitely love stuff like that. I also vacation with my love because I want to share experiences with her. I honestly think my solitary ways make my time in community so much more valuable. My friends tell me the work I do alone makes me a better, more thoughtful, more present person. I'm gonna just believe that! :-)
Isaiah 65:1
I was [ready to be] inquired of by those who asked not; I was [ready to be] found by those who sought Me not. I said, Here I am, here I am [says I Am] to a nation [Israel] that has not called on My name.
One of the things I think people don't quite realize is that you can seek Him any way and any time. I know I do. I call on Him in distress and in times of great joy. There are times when I'm angry and I've got an attitude. Can I offer that God can handle me no matter how I come to Him? Its true. The Word says to approach boldly and I can' tell you I'm quite bold when I want to be. The thing about God is that prayer isn't a performance. He's not your boss. He's not going to fire you or punish you for your truth. He wants to hear from you honestly. And He definitely hears from me honestly. Yes, I do have the sobbing, "I'm so unworthy of your love and so blessed by it" prayers but I also have "I don't understand and I want answers and where were you" prayers too. My love knows. She witnessed one of those recently.
The thing I love about that prayer is that I didn't even know I was angry before I prayed. I was thinking about this gracious loving prayer I thought I was going to pray but the Lord knows me. I didn't have a gracious prayer in my spirit. I had a confused and frustrated prayer that I hadn't prayed yet. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, and mine is quite a lot in this relationship I've got with Him. He knows me. He knows what bothers me. I love that He loves me enough to take me as I am. He's better than a friend and closer than a sibling. The honesty of my relationship with Him baffles me. I wouldn't even talk to my mom like that but God....God can take it. He knew already what I was feeling. He wanted me to be honest with myself about how I felt. I'm thankful for the grace to do that with Him and the love He shows me in return.
Isaiah 65:12
I will destine you [says the Lord] for the sword, and you shall all bow down to the slaughter, because when I called, you did not answer; when I spoke, you did not listen orobey. But you did what was evil in My eyes, and you chose that in which I did not delight.
I read this and immediately thought "Ohhhhh the cross." Aren't you thankful?!?!? There's a right now praise in me because what? I can't! I couldn't! I never would have been able to! There are so many times in my life that I haven't listened. Times where I sent that text I shouldn't have sent, said that thing I should have kept to myself, moved well in advance of His prompting. I've been wrong every single day. I'm not always willfully disobedient but I am disobedient nevertheless. The Cross makes all those things okay. You see the sacrifice of Jesus makes me right with God. It displays me through a lens of righteousness to a Holy and Wise God. What I love about Jesus is that He came in between the Law and me. He is the fulfillment of the Law that the requirements of the Law not be upon me. Jesus makes me okay. He took that punishment for all my sinful acts so that I could be free of the shackles of sin. He is the first one that ever showed me true love. That's not just for me. That's for everyone that belongs to Him. Hey family!
Isaiah 65:23
They shall not labor in vain or bring forth [children] for sudden terror or calamity; for they shall be the descendants of the blessed of the Lord, and their offspring with them.
Even when its hard, I know its worth it. That's one of the biggest and most important prayers I've ever prayed. Is it worth it God? Is it worth it? Can I offer that if He's given you direction that even when it doesn't make it sense, its worth it to follow? I promise it is. Obedience to the voice of God has never ever led me astray. I've followed Him places and spaces that I didn't and don't understand to this day but on many occasion I found myself somewhere where I was acutely aware of the fact that He was using me. I think its hard to see a hard thing as His will. That's the thing about His will though. Its perfect notwithstanding your view of it. Talk about a critical truth! Just because its critical, that doesn't makes it easy on the mind. Lord help me, it doesn't make it any easier.
Isaiah 65:24
And it shall be that before they call I will answer; and while they are yet speaking I will hear.
This happens to me when I doubt. When I'm doubtful about the things God has promised me or spoken to me, in this season, He's been reminding me of not only who He is but that His promises are true in so many ways. He sends me scriptures. He causes situations to change. He is my ever present help and He's on top of it before I even think I'm slipping. I love that He's a foothold for me. He is my strength and when I'm weary and I'm not even interested in seeking Him for strength, He's my shelter. Sometimes I just want to lay down. Sometimes I don't want to fight....but He fights on my behalf. He makes a way I can't see. He's just so good to me.
Isaiah 66:2
For all these things My hand has made, and so all these things have come into being [by and for Me], says the Lord. But this is the man to whom I will look and have regard: he who is humble and of a broken or wounded spirit, and who trembles at My word and reveres My commands.
God is seeking certain things from His people. I often talk about what God is expecting from me. I know its a lot. It usually feels like a lot. I think one of the hardest things about what God requires of you, when you know very clearly what He's asking, is that often times it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to other people. It seems extreme. Can I offer that He's going to bless obedience? He will. He's also called us to be a peculiar people? Doesn't that mean there's got to be something different about us? I think so. I definitely feel that way. I don't know of any guys praying for and about their future spouses but God has called me to do so. I don't know of any guys that Go is challenging in the spiritual leadership, but He's challenged me time and time again in churches across America and within my own circle of folks.
I think its so important to try. I'm not succeeding at anything He's asked of me, but His grace makes my effort acceptable. I'm so thankful that He's given me understanding of the Word for myself but can I tell you it challenges me all the time? Every time I open the Bible He's got something in there for me to alter. He's constantly making me better. And all of this started how...? Because I was broken. Because He allowed me to be humbled in the only area I'd ever succeeded in. Not only does He have regard for the things He stated above, He will create those things in you. He did it in me.
Isaiah 66:12-13
For thus says the Lord: Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; then you will be nursed, you will be carried on her hip and trotted [lovingly bounced up and down] on her [God’s maternal] knees.
As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
This is the scripture I got for my love on our vacation. When I think about all the times I've prayed for her in this tumultuous, confusing, and painful time in her life peace has been at the top of my list. I actually like the imagery of peace like a babbling stream because I'm nature-y like that so that's actually what I usually say. I love the use of water images in prayer because the Spirit is like water in my mind. Filling every available space and appearing to be weightless but very heavy in reality. I have at times felt like the Spirit was a tidal wave and sometime just a pool but water is alway a part of my thoughts regarding the Spirit. I seek peace from Him for her because I know He's the only one who can actually give her. I also seek answers because He's the only one with them.
I have another prayer I love. The Word says we are imprinted on His hands so I often ask that He hold her in the palm of His hand. That comes from an Irish prayer "While we are apart, one from another, may God hold you in the palm of His hand." The thing I love about the palm of His hand is that there are boundaries there. There is only but so far she can go. Also...there's rest there. She's got a lot of work to do and us humans need naps. We can't just keep doing the work. I personally like to nap under the shadow of His hand. Sometimes I pray that He shelter her there. He has been my shelter in times of such great distress that I know He can do that for her. God can be our great comfort if we let Him. I so want that for her....it is my fervent prayer. God answers prayer.
Isaiah 66:18
For I know their works and their thoughts. And the time is coming when I will gather all nations and tongues, and they will come and see My glory.
I love that God knows me. He really knows me. He knows what I want, what I need, what I'm capable of. He knows what I'll do and what I'll struggle with. He knows the extent of my devotion and He challenges me on it. He knows the extent of my understanding and He offers me more in some places and asks me to trust Him in others. He is consistently showing me who He is and who I am in Him. He empowers me and humbles me. He makes me big and He looks after me like a child. I pray that I'll always have a heart after Him. And I know that's a thing He'll do because I belong to Him. I'm His and He's mine. I was created to bring glory to Him and even though I fail spectacularly, He smiles when He sees me.
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