I still trying to figure out what I think about all of this....what I feel about all of this.
At first I felt guilty.
I felt my behavior wasn't befitting for someone who believes what I believes and lives the way I live.
Then I asked someone I trust, someone who has walked with me and been by my side always.
She said "You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't violated your own standards."
She said "Let someone treat you like you deserve to be treated. Let someone show you some reciprocity."
Its all God and if He intends it, it'll be added or it won't.
So that's that.
I'm going out on a date tomorrow.
She's sweet and thoughtful.
She's Christian.
She's a good conversationalist.
She's out.
And she wants to go out with me.
So I'm going.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Race Relations: Why Can't We Be Friends? I'll Tell You Why
Had an interesting super candid conversation with a White friend today.
She expressed that its hard to make friends with black women and that she's tried.
Now she's my friend but I'll say this: I have been historically treated very well by White women. I've been singled out as the "exceptional negro" all my life. I, of course, did not realize this until I was an adult but I was the Black kid that they all pointed at and said "that one is the good one." I was highly academically gifted, I played the piano, and I befriended the special needs kids.
I was good.
And as a result, White women have loved me. I had great White teachers that let me lead and succeed. I have a White best friend and White godchildren. I didn't have a reason to mistrust White women. Not until this election at least but I digress.
I had to enlighten my friend that getting to know a Black woman and becoming her friend won't always be like getting to know me and being my friend.
First, grad school is a unique microcosm of life. It puts really exceptional people into a small space where they spend all their time pursuing theoretical understanding and pushing the frontiers of knowledge forward. Its just weird. Ivory Towers have allowed me to move in circles and have influence in ways your average 25 year old Black girl never could any where else.
Intelligence was our currency and funding was street cred.
I had both.
Now about a White woman befriending a Black woman....
Most Black women have been wronged by a White woman. A White woman suspended a Black child in her school unnecessarily or handed down unfair punishment, they got snubbed for a job that was given to a less qualified White woman who didn't raise her voice and acknowledge the injustice or simply didn't say anything when the person at the Chipotle assumed the White woman was first in line when both she and the Black woman know that the Black woman was there first. White women have historically participated in the discrimination against and oppression of Black women. White women weren't innocent bystanders not knowing what their husbands were doing to the slaves. They knew their husbands were raping Black female slaves, fathering children with them, and selling their own offspring.
They knew.
They didn't care.
White women have asked Black women to put down our Blackness time and time again on behalf of feminism.
We're all women you said.
Where the HELL was that when a WHITE WOMAN was running for President?
Oh....now you're White?
Now its race above gender?
And you're wondering why we Black women weren't quick to put down our Blackness for your White feminist movement. Its because White women have shown time and time again that they will keep you around or use you for whatever they need you for and then when you are no longer useful, their friendship/kindness/civility are no longer guaranteed towards you.
So yes, getting to know your average Black woman as a White woman will be difficult. White women have a history of being awful to Black women. You use us all the while pretending to be our friend and abuse us when we are no longer of use to you.
Hell yea, Black women are suspicious of a White woman trying to be their friend.
White women are wolves in sheep's clothing until proven otherwise. Don't agree? Scroll back up to that part about slavery.
Yea....y'all were trash historically.
And so we put up walls.
We don't let you get close.
We don't want to hang out after work.
We have friends.
We have social networks that don't include you and that you won't be invited into unless you meet very specific criteria.
And what's that criteria? Well my best friend is White. She's been my best friend since we were 13. I still remember the first time I called her on the phone. She's white and so is her husband. And when I had my PhD graduation party at my Black church, Shannon moved her own Sunday schedule at her church where she is the children's choir director, to come to my Black church for my party. They were the only White people there. If you're willing to come into a space where you're the only White people there AND there is no hesitation on your part to being in such a space, Congratulations. You're actually eligible to be friends with a Black person. Inviting non-Black people to Black churches is rare so that means that this Black person who has invited you into a sacred space in Black life trusts you.
Now being eligible doesn't make you my friend. We then have to go through some things. We have to experience life together and I have to know that you're really in this with me. And for me and Shannon, band facilitated that bond. Band trips, band practices, youth symphony, nights spent in Shannon's basement, her parents picking me up from concerts and buying me flowers too because my parents didn't come to see me perform: Yea that's the foundation upon which my best friendship with Shannon is based.
Then you add getting pregnant on your honeymoon, coparenting when her husband had a crazy schedule and I could drive across the state to spend weekends with her, painting her kitchen and den, dealing with her anxiety, dealing with my suicidal thoughts and emotional breakdown after not getting into med school, her threatening to tell my parents I was suicidal, a second baby planned around my schedule, financial stress, her husband going back to school to try and get rid of financial stress, and guilt over not having been there when I was coparenting with his wife <--She's my ride or die White girl.
We've been through things.
But as an adult, there's nothing there. There's no initial structure on which to build. There's no history of shared experiences that allows you to be vulnerable or open with this person. So if you want to be my friend, you're going to have to jump through some hoops to show me you aren't what ALL THE DATA says you are. You're going to have to demonstrate to me that you aren't White above all. You're going to have to show me your humanity over and over again until I believe you.
And if you're not willing to do that, that's cool.
We don't need to be friends.
Remember what I said about having my own social network and friends?
Yea, I've still got them. <---The attitude of your average Black woman.
How do I know that when I have a white bestie?
Because I'm still your average Black woman who happens to have had an upbringing that created the opportunity for me to have a White bestie. My sister was popular in high school. She re-integrated the cheerleading squad. And is she friends with any of those White kids she was running around with? Nope. She doesn't have a single White friend from high school or work.
Y'all don't want to do the work and that's fine. Black people honestly aren't looking to make friends at work. But don't act like the difficulties associated with trying to be friends with Black women are our fault. You fucked this up a long time ago and you'll have to prove you're human over White many times before we'll let you in.
Let me say this though?
Its worth it.
We are the most loyal of people you'll ever come across. I've actually thought about how when I have kids and I have to travel for work, I'll send my kids to Shannon's and pay her to watch them just so I can have an excuse to help her financially because of how much money I'll be making that she'll never have the opportunity to make.
Yea...we're those kind of people.
You want to be our friend.
I hope you can persevere long enough to make that happen for yourself.
It'll change your life.
She expressed that its hard to make friends with black women and that she's tried.
Now she's my friend but I'll say this: I have been historically treated very well by White women. I've been singled out as the "exceptional negro" all my life. I, of course, did not realize this until I was an adult but I was the Black kid that they all pointed at and said "that one is the good one." I was highly academically gifted, I played the piano, and I befriended the special needs kids.
I was good.
And as a result, White women have loved me. I had great White teachers that let me lead and succeed. I have a White best friend and White godchildren. I didn't have a reason to mistrust White women. Not until this election at least but I digress.
I had to enlighten my friend that getting to know a Black woman and becoming her friend won't always be like getting to know me and being my friend.
First, grad school is a unique microcosm of life. It puts really exceptional people into a small space where they spend all their time pursuing theoretical understanding and pushing the frontiers of knowledge forward. Its just weird. Ivory Towers have allowed me to move in circles and have influence in ways your average 25 year old Black girl never could any where else.
Intelligence was our currency and funding was street cred.
I had both.
Now about a White woman befriending a Black woman....
Most Black women have been wronged by a White woman. A White woman suspended a Black child in her school unnecessarily or handed down unfair punishment, they got snubbed for a job that was given to a less qualified White woman who didn't raise her voice and acknowledge the injustice or simply didn't say anything when the person at the Chipotle assumed the White woman was first in line when both she and the Black woman know that the Black woman was there first. White women have historically participated in the discrimination against and oppression of Black women. White women weren't innocent bystanders not knowing what their husbands were doing to the slaves. They knew their husbands were raping Black female slaves, fathering children with them, and selling their own offspring.
They knew.
They didn't care.
White women have asked Black women to put down our Blackness time and time again on behalf of feminism.
We're all women you said.
Where the HELL was that when a WHITE WOMAN was running for President?
Oh....now you're White?
Now its race above gender?
And you're wondering why we Black women weren't quick to put down our Blackness for your White feminist movement. Its because White women have shown time and time again that they will keep you around or use you for whatever they need you for and then when you are no longer useful, their friendship/kindness/civility are no longer guaranteed towards you.
So yes, getting to know your average Black woman as a White woman will be difficult. White women have a history of being awful to Black women. You use us all the while pretending to be our friend and abuse us when we are no longer of use to you.
Hell yea, Black women are suspicious of a White woman trying to be their friend.
White women are wolves in sheep's clothing until proven otherwise. Don't agree? Scroll back up to that part about slavery.
Yea....y'all were trash historically.
And so we put up walls.
We don't let you get close.
We don't want to hang out after work.
We have friends.
We have social networks that don't include you and that you won't be invited into unless you meet very specific criteria.
And what's that criteria? Well my best friend is White. She's been my best friend since we were 13. I still remember the first time I called her on the phone. She's white and so is her husband. And when I had my PhD graduation party at my Black church, Shannon moved her own Sunday schedule at her church where she is the children's choir director, to come to my Black church for my party. They were the only White people there. If you're willing to come into a space where you're the only White people there AND there is no hesitation on your part to being in such a space, Congratulations. You're actually eligible to be friends with a Black person. Inviting non-Black people to Black churches is rare so that means that this Black person who has invited you into a sacred space in Black life trusts you.
Now being eligible doesn't make you my friend. We then have to go through some things. We have to experience life together and I have to know that you're really in this with me. And for me and Shannon, band facilitated that bond. Band trips, band practices, youth symphony, nights spent in Shannon's basement, her parents picking me up from concerts and buying me flowers too because my parents didn't come to see me perform: Yea that's the foundation upon which my best friendship with Shannon is based.
Then you add getting pregnant on your honeymoon, coparenting when her husband had a crazy schedule and I could drive across the state to spend weekends with her, painting her kitchen and den, dealing with her anxiety, dealing with my suicidal thoughts and emotional breakdown after not getting into med school, her threatening to tell my parents I was suicidal, a second baby planned around my schedule, financial stress, her husband going back to school to try and get rid of financial stress, and guilt over not having been there when I was coparenting with his wife <--She's my ride or die White girl.
We've been through things.
But as an adult, there's nothing there. There's no initial structure on which to build. There's no history of shared experiences that allows you to be vulnerable or open with this person. So if you want to be my friend, you're going to have to jump through some hoops to show me you aren't what ALL THE DATA says you are. You're going to have to demonstrate to me that you aren't White above all. You're going to have to show me your humanity over and over again until I believe you.
And if you're not willing to do that, that's cool.
We don't need to be friends.
Remember what I said about having my own social network and friends?
Yea, I've still got them. <---The attitude of your average Black woman.
How do I know that when I have a white bestie?
Because I'm still your average Black woman who happens to have had an upbringing that created the opportunity for me to have a White bestie. My sister was popular in high school. She re-integrated the cheerleading squad. And is she friends with any of those White kids she was running around with? Nope. She doesn't have a single White friend from high school or work.
Y'all don't want to do the work and that's fine. Black people honestly aren't looking to make friends at work. But don't act like the difficulties associated with trying to be friends with Black women are our fault. You fucked this up a long time ago and you'll have to prove you're human over White many times before we'll let you in.
Let me say this though?
Its worth it.
We are the most loyal of people you'll ever come across. I've actually thought about how when I have kids and I have to travel for work, I'll send my kids to Shannon's and pay her to watch them just so I can have an excuse to help her financially because of how much money I'll be making that she'll never have the opportunity to make.
Yea...we're those kind of people.
You want to be our friend.
I hope you can persevere long enough to make that happen for yourself.
It'll change your life.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Water
You never know what you have until its gone
that's the saying right
Well that's true and not true
I knew what I wanted
What I sometimes had
I knew it was worth all my effort
I knew I had to try
I never really had you
I had your mind
I had your spirit
But I never had your body
and you never had mine
and in the end
I think that saved me
I think I saved myself
That night when you crossed boundaries
traversed mountains
strolled in the plains
The night you offered
The night I prayed
And prayed and prayed
that I might continue to have the strength
to forsake by body for my spirit
And it saved me
because I never tasted you
I never felt the weight of you
on top of me
all around me
I never knew you completely
So when I lost you,
I could imagine
I could dream
but I never really knew exactly what I lost
not in the physical at least
I knew in my mind
In the place where you were my harbor
my safe space
my trusted confidante
a savior without a capital s
I knew as I winded up my anchor
taking myself away from the one thing that
both tied me down and set me free
I knew and I didn't
For miles and miles and I still drift
untied and untethered to anything
but my search for knowledge
In quietness I sometimes wonder
what would it have been like
if when you climbed that wall
and sat atop it
daring me come with you
challenging me as I clung to the wall
not willing to trespass
If I'd let you take me to a place I knew I shouldn't go
What would it have felt like
Would it have been everything God calls intimacy to be
I think it would have
I honestly do
and that is why
even though I sometimes wish
I'd move my hand lower
my mouth to yours
accepted your unspoken invitation
climbed that wall
took your hand and jumped
It would have destroyed me.
Because then I'd have no doubt.
Then I'd know exactly what I couldn't have forever.
Or maybe what I will have but not today
and not having it today would be metastatic
spreading all over me
consuming me
and my destiny.
No, I've prayed many heartfelt
gut wrenching
mind altering
world shaking
earth shattering
Only you can do this God prayers
but I think the prayers I prayed
on that mountain
in that bed
with you
are probably
some of the most important prayers I'll ever pray.
Its those prayers that kept the me I am today
possible.
So God, I'm thankful
that you actually prepared me to be a sanctuary
that you controlled this, your servant
in my own hour of weakness
that I might not ultimately destroy myself
with the very thing I hold so dear.
Because you don't know what you have until its gone
But I never had you,
not completely.
And I may never have the opportunity to have you
but that might be God's shelter in my life.
Its complex to believe you could be my blessing
and my curse, but most extraordinary things
can be.
Water quenches thirst and wipes away whole cities.
You were my water.
You gave me the ability to hold onto my own life
and the love I had for you made it possible for me to disappear.
You could still be my harbor
my safe space
my so many things
but you aren't.
Not today at least.
Because you
You will always be someone God talked to me about.
You will always be the one I prayed and fasted for
You,
gorgeous and mysterious and devastating
You will always be that
a breathtaking cataclysmic mystery.
And I'll be, because you remain so.
that's the saying right
Well that's true and not true
I knew what I wanted
What I sometimes had
I knew it was worth all my effort
I knew I had to try
I never really had you
I had your mind
I had your spirit
But I never had your body
and you never had mine
and in the end
I think that saved me
I think I saved myself
That night when you crossed boundaries
traversed mountains
strolled in the plains
The night you offered
The night I prayed
And prayed and prayed
that I might continue to have the strength
to forsake by body for my spirit
And it saved me
because I never tasted you
I never felt the weight of you
on top of me
all around me
I never knew you completely
So when I lost you,
I could imagine
I could dream
but I never really knew exactly what I lost
not in the physical at least
I knew in my mind
In the place where you were my harbor
my safe space
my trusted confidante
a savior without a capital s
I knew as I winded up my anchor
taking myself away from the one thing that
both tied me down and set me free
I knew and I didn't
For miles and miles and I still drift
untied and untethered to anything
but my search for knowledge
In quietness I sometimes wonder
what would it have been like
if when you climbed that wall
and sat atop it
daring me come with you
challenging me as I clung to the wall
not willing to trespass
If I'd let you take me to a place I knew I shouldn't go
What would it have felt like
Would it have been everything God calls intimacy to be
I think it would have
I honestly do
and that is why
even though I sometimes wish
I'd move my hand lower
my mouth to yours
accepted your unspoken invitation
climbed that wall
took your hand and jumped
It would have destroyed me.
Because then I'd have no doubt.
Then I'd know exactly what I couldn't have forever.
Or maybe what I will have but not today
and not having it today would be metastatic
spreading all over me
consuming me
and my destiny.
No, I've prayed many heartfelt
gut wrenching
mind altering
world shaking
earth shattering
Only you can do this God prayers
but I think the prayers I prayed
on that mountain
in that bed
with you
are probably
some of the most important prayers I'll ever pray.
Its those prayers that kept the me I am today
possible.
So God, I'm thankful
that you actually prepared me to be a sanctuary
that you controlled this, your servant
in my own hour of weakness
that I might not ultimately destroy myself
with the very thing I hold so dear.
Because you don't know what you have until its gone
But I never had you,
not completely.
And I may never have the opportunity to have you
but that might be God's shelter in my life.
Its complex to believe you could be my blessing
and my curse, but most extraordinary things
can be.
Water quenches thirst and wipes away whole cities.
You were my water.
You gave me the ability to hold onto my own life
and the love I had for you made it possible for me to disappear.
You could still be my harbor
my safe space
my so many things
but you aren't.
Not today at least.
Because you
You will always be someone God talked to me about.
You will always be the one I prayed and fasted for
You,
gorgeous and mysterious and devastating
You will always be that
a breathtaking cataclysmic mystery.
And I'll be, because you remain so.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
I Know He's Watching Me
Bring your fear
shame
remorse
weakness
sadness
failures
anger
bitterness
burdens
and lay them down.
Its time for the Word.
II Timothy 1:7
For God did not give use the spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of sound mind.
Fear is an emotion that overshadowed those who experienced the first Christmas. When the angels announced that the Messiah was about to be born, Mary pondered her situation. Fear overshadowed her excitement. She was worried about so many things.
The moment of birth is of excitement and fear. There's all this pain and anguish and in Mary's situation, she's seen women die in labor and she knows nothing about epidurals. Mary is thinking about her future and her current situation.
The midwife in this situation says this "Breath."
When the stress and pain are the most intense, the One trying to get you through this season is trying to tell you if you want to make it through this season, you've got to keep on breathing.
God gave that same counsel to those who waited on the birth of Christ.
The Lord said "do not be afraid."
Luke 1:30 Fear not for you have found favor with God
Matthew 2:20 Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife for the child is of the Holy Ghost
Luke 1:13 Do not be afraid
Luke 2:20 Do not be afraid for I am bringing you good tiding of great joy.
Time and time again, when people were full of fear, the one who was trying to counsel them...the Lord said "breath."
God's message is the same to us now.....
Breath.
Sound mind comes from within and its something God has placed in you. Therefore he hasn't given us the spirit of fear but he's given us the inner capacity to chill.
God is the father of chill.
The same root word for sound mind is also the root word for diaphragm. Interesting that an organ allows you to control your own fear finds its root in the same place as sound mind. We know that when you exhale longer than you inhale, you can force relaxation on yourself. Breathing can literally change your experience.
Breathing is so powerful that it can affect other people. The spiritual diaphragmatic response will change your situation help you find peace.
First, you've got to rely on God's perspective.
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Viewing things through your natural eyes will bring you fear. The Word say's You'll keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on You. When chaos is closing in, I've got to see myself and my situation through the eyes of God.
Whatsoever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, and of good report. If there is any virtue, think on these things. You've got to learn to see your circumstance through God's eyes.
This is a rough one for me. Like....I see that God's doing something...doing lots of something but He hasn't answered this specific prayer I've prayed. One thing my mentor said was if He's moving in another area He's trying to direct your focus, your attention, your energy to that. Until He answers that other thing there is no instruction of there. He's doing that on purpose. When we talk about hearing the whispers of the Spirit, this is one of those things. If you find that you keep being drawn to something, pay attention. If you've prayed about a bunch of different things, God's heard you. He's moving in this one way so go with that. Do THAT until He gives you some direction to do something different. <---She's so awesome y'all. She always says "I'm gonna say something that's gonna sound hard" and you know what? It is and it blesses me. That woman....my God I'm grateful for her.
Google maps has shown me the power of perspective. It'll give you real time traffic conditions. And Lord know we needs these in the DMV. You can tell where the traffic is before you leave your house. It'll show you where to go and what to avoid. how does Google do this? Its because Google has a satellite that sits high and looks low. <---Okay Pastor, I see where you going with this! Now I could choose to travel without Google Maps but by taking my chances I might encounter trouble. And I learned a long time ago, that WILLINGLY walking away from God is something crazier than the word insane can convey. It makes more sense to rely on something that looks low from on high and has better perspective.
That's what God does. He can see from His perspective what I can't see from mine.
To rely on God's perspective you've got to understand that God is in control.
Psalm 115:3 But our God is in heaven; He does whatever He pleases.
Google didn't invent the importance of perspective.
Everything in the heavens and on Earth are God's. Nothing is outside God's purview.
Isaiah 55:8-11
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
9
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts higher than your thoughts.
10
“For as the rain and snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth,
Making it bear and sprout,
And providing seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11
So will My word be which goes out of My mouth;
It will not return to Me void (useless, without result),
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
Lord, if this isn't the truth. His ways most definitely aren't mine. But what I know is that His ways are better for me even when I feel like His ways have kept me or are keeping me from what I want. Because what I want isn't always what's best for me and what He wants for me always is. That's a lesson I've learned over and over and over again and I'm still learning it in deeper and more profound ways. He's still working on the kid.
If you get a Word, you'll get a perspective you hadn't anticipated.
I've never seen the righteous forsaken.
There's not one weapon that will win against you.
Now this is an interesting little foray. Getting a Word will give you a perspective you've never had. Had God not told me that she would be my wife, I never would have prayed like I prayed, fasted like I fasted. That's a perspective change that changed my behavior big time.
Not only is God in control, He won't put more on you than you can bear.
I know this is a controversial statement. I have often felt that what was going on was too much. When my mentor sacrificed our relationship for the sake of me getting my PhD, I was certain that that was too much. When I didn't get into med school in 2014, I wasn't sure I'd make it to 2016. But those things ended up being things I actually did live through. I
Sometimes we get nervous because we feed our fears by thinking God has overestimated us. I do think God may have stretched me to my max with this wife situation. This medical school situation had some fibers breaking in the muscle of my faith since I seriously almost booked a one way ticket to the other side of Jordan, but here I am! Still over on this side, in the and of the living. Won't He do it?
We think he's forsaken or abandoned us. I sure enough thought that a few times. God, why give me someone as amazing as my mentor and then require me to function without her? Like legit without her. I thought that was over but she didn't. She couldn't let me know though because I needed to trust my PhD Advisor and not spend my time second guessing him so I was just broken and she wasn't able to do anything to help me do better without jeopardizing something she knew was more valuable in that moment. And when the relationship I had with him was cemented, there she was. And here she is now. And she didn't know if I'd take her back even if it was for my own good. So glad I actually prayed (and cried) about that and decided to let her back in because chile....I have so needed her.
You're not the first one to go through this.
Elijah says to God in 1 Kings 19, I'm the only one who's trying to do right and now someone is trying to kill me. Verse 14 read He said, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God of hosts (armies), because the sons of Israel have abandoned (broken) Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I, only I, am left; and they seek to take away my life.”
Elijah developed only-itis. Its when you think your'e the only one to go through what you're going through.
You ain't the only one with cancer, or marital issues or financial problems. You ain't the only one.
God had to tell Elijah, get from under this tree. I've got all these people who still worship me who are ready to help you.
Oh the perspective that not just me Jesus. Last night I was talking to one of my friends about the girl God talks to me about and she told me something about only-itis. Mind you this is before I heard this sermon too. Won't God just do things? Anyway she told me that she's got 4 friends in the same boat as me: waiting on someone God has promised them. Talk about a wake up call! It ain't just me! Lots of people are waiting on a promise God's made them in the area of relationships and the thing about that is... you can't make God move faster and you can't be ahead of what God's doing. Lord, we're here and yet believing. You're the lover of my soul and the holder of my future. I know you'll make it a good one!
He's already given you the victory.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Living your life for God is living knowing that the outcome has been accomplished. You don't have to wait until someone says its done, God says its done. You don't have to wait to praise Him because its done. You can thank God in advance for the victory and healing and glory.
He has given us the ability to breath in the midst of our circumstance but that's an action.
Peace in the middle of your storm also requires something from you.
You've got to learn to practice what you pray for. Some wonder why the word for sound mind is sometimes translated to self discipline.
The person able to remain cool and calm in the face of trial and maintain themselves and their sanity is someone exercising self discipline. This brings to mind this verse
2 Corinthians 10:5 We are destroying sophisticated arguments and every exalted and proud thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought and purpose captive to the obedience of Christ,
Its a self discipline to look at things from God's perspective and also to take the things we think and not be controlled by them but check them against the Word of God and our relationship with Him. Its a hard practice....like those last 5 reps on the bench press but a necessary one. It tears me apart sometimes to snatch lies I tell myself out of the air and pass them through the sieve of His Word but its good for me. It is the foundation of me getting my peace back.
God's peace takes harmful energy and makes it useful. <-- Sho nuff!
There are situations where what was designed to destroy you might end up developing you.
Remember ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Not some things but all things. So yea, that think that almost took you out is ultimately going to contribute to your good.
2 Corinthians 4:17 says For our momentary, light distress [this passing trouble] is producing for us an eternal weight of glory [a fullness] beyond all measure [surpassing all comparisons, a transcendent splendor and an endless blessedness]!
I've got some thoughts about how momentary distress and how understanding your own weakness and relying fully on God's strength can produce something worth the pain of that experience. My my my, if this isn't a scripture to ground this piece I wrote in the Bible. You know how God gives you something and you just write it down? Well today He's given me the scripture that goes with it. A night of prayer in the face of something I desperately wanted but was tainted in a way I could accept is a blessing to me despite the fact that sometimes I forget that it is. God showed me exactly how this thing I turn over in my mind, wondering if I should have just gone for it, could have harmed me irreparably but it didn't. It didn't because He was with me.
I'm stronger now and better now because I lived through it.
Deliverance isn't all on God. In order for Him to bring about a miracle, He needs something to work with.
God created everything out of something that was already there. For Him to move, you've got to give Him something to work with. Are you giving God something to work with and space to work in your life? I sure am trying.
God told David he would get victory but he still had to throw the stone.
Namon had to go into the river 7 times to get rid of leprosy. He had to go himself, to get his miracle. It was there for him to have but he had to put some action behind it.
Practice what you pray for. Do your part.
God can build a bridge over troubled waters, but you've got to walk over it.
He'll build a shelter for you, but you gotta get under it. <--Can I tell you that shelter will save you but you've got to GET UNDER IT. You can't just be like God help and then look at all the things He sent to rescue you and say "That's not the thing I wanted to save me" and end up not getting what you need. Its foundational to what we do as IME and the way I live my life. When God has sent me a way to save myself, I've taken it. I've taken it painfully, prayerfully, and in tears. I've taken it and watched things I held dear drift away and can I tell you if they're for you they'll be back? My little boy is back in my life because that which I held dear, I was willing to let go for the shelter God gave.
When I stopped getting emotionally beat up every day but the inconsistency in my relationship with the girl I loved, I recognized that I was under His shelter. And guess what? I stayed there. I stayed right where I was and got healthy. That's not the way I wanted God to fix that. I wanted God to make that relationship consistent and do the things He'd told me He would do. I wanted Him to fix it by making her my girlfriend. That's not what He did. The current state of our relationship is not the way I'm believing He'll ultimately fix our situation but it is what I have right now. And it keeps me healthy and functional and prayerful and happy. You've got to be willing to let God's choice for how to help you be okay with you.
Rely on his perspective, Do your part and lastly, trust God for the results.
We fall into fear because we start obsessing about results that only belong to God. The results are God's. If you want to be found faithful, you've got to learn to trust Him for the result. Can I tell you that if she never decides to be with me, that'll be God's result. Its hard though. Its hard to relinquish that much control to God but everything is better in His hands than in my own. Still hard though. You may have allowed fear to take over but you've got to learn to trust God more. Trust Him for the healing, the deliverance, the child you've prayed for.
When you trust God for the result, you're smiling in your storm. When you see the lighting flash, smile so you can show God what you look like when you're going through a storm. And sometimes, just hold your head up in your tears and praise Him anyway because that's the kind of vulnerability that my relationship includes.
God says "You're more precious to me . I'm the one, I'm the one who sees your heart. You are not forgotten."
If his eyes is on the sparrow, then I know he's watching me.
shame
remorse
weakness
sadness
failures
anger
bitterness
burdens
and lay them down.
Its time for the Word.
II Timothy 1:7
For God did not give use the spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of sound mind.
I Know He's Watching Me
Fear is an emotion that overshadowed those who experienced the first Christmas. When the angels announced that the Messiah was about to be born, Mary pondered her situation. Fear overshadowed her excitement. She was worried about so many things.
The moment of birth is of excitement and fear. There's all this pain and anguish and in Mary's situation, she's seen women die in labor and she knows nothing about epidurals. Mary is thinking about her future and her current situation.
The midwife in this situation says this "Breath."
When the stress and pain are the most intense, the One trying to get you through this season is trying to tell you if you want to make it through this season, you've got to keep on breathing.
God gave that same counsel to those who waited on the birth of Christ.
The Lord said "do not be afraid."
Luke 1:30 Fear not for you have found favor with God
Matthew 2:20 Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife for the child is of the Holy Ghost
Luke 1:13 Do not be afraid
Luke 2:20 Do not be afraid for I am bringing you good tiding of great joy.
Time and time again, when people were full of fear, the one who was trying to counsel them...the Lord said "breath."
God's message is the same to us now.....
Breath.
Sound mind comes from within and its something God has placed in you. Therefore he hasn't given us the spirit of fear but he's given us the inner capacity to chill.
God is the father of chill.
The same root word for sound mind is also the root word for diaphragm. Interesting that an organ allows you to control your own fear finds its root in the same place as sound mind. We know that when you exhale longer than you inhale, you can force relaxation on yourself. Breathing can literally change your experience.
Breathing is so powerful that it can affect other people. The spiritual diaphragmatic response will change your situation help you find peace.
First, you've got to rely on God's perspective.
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Viewing things through your natural eyes will bring you fear. The Word say's You'll keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on You. When chaos is closing in, I've got to see myself and my situation through the eyes of God.
Whatsoever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, and of good report. If there is any virtue, think on these things. You've got to learn to see your circumstance through God's eyes.
This is a rough one for me. Like....I see that God's doing something...doing lots of something but He hasn't answered this specific prayer I've prayed. One thing my mentor said was if He's moving in another area He's trying to direct your focus, your attention, your energy to that. Until He answers that other thing there is no instruction of there. He's doing that on purpose. When we talk about hearing the whispers of the Spirit, this is one of those things. If you find that you keep being drawn to something, pay attention. If you've prayed about a bunch of different things, God's heard you. He's moving in this one way so go with that. Do THAT until He gives you some direction to do something different. <---She's so awesome y'all. She always says "I'm gonna say something that's gonna sound hard" and you know what? It is and it blesses me. That woman....my God I'm grateful for her.
Google maps has shown me the power of perspective. It'll give you real time traffic conditions. And Lord know we needs these in the DMV. You can tell where the traffic is before you leave your house. It'll show you where to go and what to avoid. how does Google do this? Its because Google has a satellite that sits high and looks low. <---Okay Pastor, I see where you going with this! Now I could choose to travel without Google Maps but by taking my chances I might encounter trouble. And I learned a long time ago, that WILLINGLY walking away from God is something crazier than the word insane can convey. It makes more sense to rely on something that looks low from on high and has better perspective.
That's what God does. He can see from His perspective what I can't see from mine.
To rely on God's perspective you've got to understand that God is in control.
Psalm 115:3 But our God is in heaven; He does whatever He pleases.
Google didn't invent the importance of perspective.
Everything in the heavens and on Earth are God's. Nothing is outside God's purview.
Isaiah 55:8-11
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
9
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts higher than your thoughts.
10
“For as the rain and snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth,
Making it bear and sprout,
And providing seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11
So will My word be which goes out of My mouth;
It will not return to Me void (useless, without result),
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
Lord, if this isn't the truth. His ways most definitely aren't mine. But what I know is that His ways are better for me even when I feel like His ways have kept me or are keeping me from what I want. Because what I want isn't always what's best for me and what He wants for me always is. That's a lesson I've learned over and over and over again and I'm still learning it in deeper and more profound ways. He's still working on the kid.
If you get a Word, you'll get a perspective you hadn't anticipated.
I've never seen the righteous forsaken.
There's not one weapon that will win against you.
Now this is an interesting little foray. Getting a Word will give you a perspective you've never had. Had God not told me that she would be my wife, I never would have prayed like I prayed, fasted like I fasted. That's a perspective change that changed my behavior big time.
Not only is God in control, He won't put more on you than you can bear.
I know this is a controversial statement. I have often felt that what was going on was too much. When my mentor sacrificed our relationship for the sake of me getting my PhD, I was certain that that was too much. When I didn't get into med school in 2014, I wasn't sure I'd make it to 2016. But those things ended up being things I actually did live through. I
Sometimes we get nervous because we feed our fears by thinking God has overestimated us. I do think God may have stretched me to my max with this wife situation. This medical school situation had some fibers breaking in the muscle of my faith since I seriously almost booked a one way ticket to the other side of Jordan, but here I am! Still over on this side, in the and of the living. Won't He do it?
We think he's forsaken or abandoned us. I sure enough thought that a few times. God, why give me someone as amazing as my mentor and then require me to function without her? Like legit without her. I thought that was over but she didn't. She couldn't let me know though because I needed to trust my PhD Advisor and not spend my time second guessing him so I was just broken and she wasn't able to do anything to help me do better without jeopardizing something she knew was more valuable in that moment. And when the relationship I had with him was cemented, there she was. And here she is now. And she didn't know if I'd take her back even if it was for my own good. So glad I actually prayed (and cried) about that and decided to let her back in because chile....I have so needed her.
You're not the first one to go through this.
Elijah says to God in 1 Kings 19, I'm the only one who's trying to do right and now someone is trying to kill me. Verse 14 read He said, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God of hosts (armies), because the sons of Israel have abandoned (broken) Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I, only I, am left; and they seek to take away my life.”
Elijah developed only-itis. Its when you think your'e the only one to go through what you're going through.
You ain't the only one with cancer, or marital issues or financial problems. You ain't the only one.
God had to tell Elijah, get from under this tree. I've got all these people who still worship me who are ready to help you.
Oh the perspective that not just me Jesus. Last night I was talking to one of my friends about the girl God talks to me about and she told me something about only-itis. Mind you this is before I heard this sermon too. Won't God just do things? Anyway she told me that she's got 4 friends in the same boat as me: waiting on someone God has promised them. Talk about a wake up call! It ain't just me! Lots of people are waiting on a promise God's made them in the area of relationships and the thing about that is... you can't make God move faster and you can't be ahead of what God's doing. Lord, we're here and yet believing. You're the lover of my soul and the holder of my future. I know you'll make it a good one!
He's already given you the victory.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Living your life for God is living knowing that the outcome has been accomplished. You don't have to wait until someone says its done, God says its done. You don't have to wait to praise Him because its done. You can thank God in advance for the victory and healing and glory.
He has given us the ability to breath in the midst of our circumstance but that's an action.
Peace in the middle of your storm also requires something from you.
You've got to learn to practice what you pray for. Some wonder why the word for sound mind is sometimes translated to self discipline.
The person able to remain cool and calm in the face of trial and maintain themselves and their sanity is someone exercising self discipline. This brings to mind this verse
2 Corinthians 10:5 We are destroying sophisticated arguments and every exalted and proud thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought and purpose captive to the obedience of Christ,
Its a self discipline to look at things from God's perspective and also to take the things we think and not be controlled by them but check them against the Word of God and our relationship with Him. Its a hard practice....like those last 5 reps on the bench press but a necessary one. It tears me apart sometimes to snatch lies I tell myself out of the air and pass them through the sieve of His Word but its good for me. It is the foundation of me getting my peace back.
God's peace takes harmful energy and makes it useful. <-- Sho nuff!
There are situations where what was designed to destroy you might end up developing you.
Remember ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Not some things but all things. So yea, that think that almost took you out is ultimately going to contribute to your good.
2 Corinthians 4:17 says For our momentary, light distress [this passing trouble] is producing for us an eternal weight of glory [a fullness] beyond all measure [surpassing all comparisons, a transcendent splendor and an endless blessedness]!
I've got some thoughts about how momentary distress and how understanding your own weakness and relying fully on God's strength can produce something worth the pain of that experience. My my my, if this isn't a scripture to ground this piece I wrote in the Bible. You know how God gives you something and you just write it down? Well today He's given me the scripture that goes with it. A night of prayer in the face of something I desperately wanted but was tainted in a way I could accept is a blessing to me despite the fact that sometimes I forget that it is. God showed me exactly how this thing I turn over in my mind, wondering if I should have just gone for it, could have harmed me irreparably but it didn't. It didn't because He was with me.
I'm stronger now and better now because I lived through it.
Deliverance isn't all on God. In order for Him to bring about a miracle, He needs something to work with.
God created everything out of something that was already there. For Him to move, you've got to give Him something to work with. Are you giving God something to work with and space to work in your life? I sure am trying.
God told David he would get victory but he still had to throw the stone.
Namon had to go into the river 7 times to get rid of leprosy. He had to go himself, to get his miracle. It was there for him to have but he had to put some action behind it.
Practice what you pray for. Do your part.
God can build a bridge over troubled waters, but you've got to walk over it.
He'll build a shelter for you, but you gotta get under it. <--Can I tell you that shelter will save you but you've got to GET UNDER IT. You can't just be like God help and then look at all the things He sent to rescue you and say "That's not the thing I wanted to save me" and end up not getting what you need. Its foundational to what we do as IME and the way I live my life. When God has sent me a way to save myself, I've taken it. I've taken it painfully, prayerfully, and in tears. I've taken it and watched things I held dear drift away and can I tell you if they're for you they'll be back? My little boy is back in my life because that which I held dear, I was willing to let go for the shelter God gave.
When I stopped getting emotionally beat up every day but the inconsistency in my relationship with the girl I loved, I recognized that I was under His shelter. And guess what? I stayed there. I stayed right where I was and got healthy. That's not the way I wanted God to fix that. I wanted God to make that relationship consistent and do the things He'd told me He would do. I wanted Him to fix it by making her my girlfriend. That's not what He did. The current state of our relationship is not the way I'm believing He'll ultimately fix our situation but it is what I have right now. And it keeps me healthy and functional and prayerful and happy. You've got to be willing to let God's choice for how to help you be okay with you.
Rely on his perspective, Do your part and lastly, trust God for the results.
We fall into fear because we start obsessing about results that only belong to God. The results are God's. If you want to be found faithful, you've got to learn to trust Him for the result. Can I tell you that if she never decides to be with me, that'll be God's result. Its hard though. Its hard to relinquish that much control to God but everything is better in His hands than in my own. Still hard though. You may have allowed fear to take over but you've got to learn to trust God more. Trust Him for the healing, the deliverance, the child you've prayed for.
When you trust God for the result, you're smiling in your storm. When you see the lighting flash, smile so you can show God what you look like when you're going through a storm. And sometimes, just hold your head up in your tears and praise Him anyway because that's the kind of vulnerability that my relationship includes.
God says "You're more precious to me . I'm the one, I'm the one who sees your heart. You are not forgotten."
If his eyes is on the sparrow, then I know he's watching me.
Friday, December 9, 2016
I Have Nothing To Hide
So I got a text from my aunt and it read thusly...
Hello!
I spoke to Aunt ____ and she told me about the beautiful picture that you sent and how you the older you get the prettier you become!! Your mom told me to research your name to see your dissertation and I didn't find it! I found your pin interest post.
It does not reveal to the world that you are in Med School or that you have a PhD. The one thing that we tell our students that your social media accounts will follow you and could possibly cause you more harm than good. Heterosexuals do not advertise and neither should you. Your private life is private. No one is judging you. You were created in God's image and you are loved by the most high God and your family. Remove the post. Don't ruin your future by " bitting off your hand to spite your face". Don't let jealousy or a need to prove who you are get in the way of all that you have accomplished or your destiny. You are "Dr. ____________, MD., PhD." That's it. I don't think your father or mother have seen that post, and I don't think they should. You were wonderfully created with so much intelligence, talent and beauty. Don't allow that post and others to ruin what you alone have worked so hard to bring to fruition! If you want to talk, I am hear to listen. I love you with the love of Christ.
First off the board on Pinterest is called "One Day She'll Say Yes." And yes the she is the she I've been writing about for years. Yup...totally not the point. The point is its all stuff like wedding invitation ideas and flower arrangements. All 9 posts are purple and girly and totally me.
There's no advertisement of my personal life.
Its a board on Pinterest.
And also, God willing, I'll have a wife and then my personal life will be "on display" for all to see or do you think I'm going to lie and say she's my roommate? Or that she's my bestie?
Nope. I don't have roommates and my besties are married to men.
My personal life will be on display as soon as I'm serious about someone so....that dog won't hunt.
You know what she failed to mention that my Pinterest also tells you? I'm southern, purple is my favorite color, I loved Olivia Pope's wardrobe, I want to have a house and do yard work and stuff, and I like food.
Why in God's name would my Pinterest tell you I have a PhD? Ever think that my PhD is what I do and not who I am. I AM smart but I HAVE a PhD. It's a possession I value highly but I have it. Pinterest is about ideas for things you want to do. I've done the PhD. No board needed.
Pinterest is also about things that interest me. I spend all day doing science related things that interest me. I'm not making a board for my job. I'm making a board about things that interest me outside of work.
Additionally, how in the world would someone finding out I'm gay ruin my future? You know who knows I'm gay?
Let's see....
My life mentor
My PhD advisor
My PhD committee
The faculty of the School of Pharmacy at Nebraska
The MDs that cloaked me for White Coat Ceremony
The faculty of the Pharmaceutical Science Department at UNC
My Council of Trusted Advisors
My pastor
My classmates
My Sports Medicine Mentor
The Deans at my medical school
And guess what?
I still got my PhD
My mentors are still my mentors
My Council is intact
I still got cloaked with great enthusiasm by those MDs
I still work closely with my Sports Med mentor
I'm still on the Curriculum Committee (most powerful committee at my medical school)
I was voted onto this committee to represent my class BY my classmates
I'm also giving two talks at UNC to underrepresented minorities about how to navigate getting a PhD in a majority Ivory Tower
The way I love doesn't invalidate my experience or what I have to offer. People in power and those without have decided that I have something valuable to add and that my love life is a part of me. Who I will marry is a huge part of my life and my future but its not all of me. If someone wants to disqualify me from anything for who I love, then I don't want to be a part of whatever they were going to offer me before they found out who I am.
My destiny?
That's in God's hands. I'm not concerned about that at all. I think my destiny is going to be awesome in part because God did this really cool thing in making me same gender loving. Don't worry.
God's got this and me!
I'll be just fine.
Oh and the post stays.
There's no advertisement of my personal life.
Its a board on Pinterest.
And also, God willing, I'll have a wife and then my personal life will be "on display" for all to see or do you think I'm going to lie and say she's my roommate? Or that she's my bestie?
Nope. I don't have roommates and my besties are married to men.
My personal life will be on display as soon as I'm serious about someone so....that dog won't hunt.
You know what she failed to mention that my Pinterest also tells you? I'm southern, purple is my favorite color, I loved Olivia Pope's wardrobe, I want to have a house and do yard work and stuff, and I like food.
Why in God's name would my Pinterest tell you I have a PhD? Ever think that my PhD is what I do and not who I am. I AM smart but I HAVE a PhD. It's a possession I value highly but I have it. Pinterest is about ideas for things you want to do. I've done the PhD. No board needed.
Pinterest is also about things that interest me. I spend all day doing science related things that interest me. I'm not making a board for my job. I'm making a board about things that interest me outside of work.
Additionally, how in the world would someone finding out I'm gay ruin my future? You know who knows I'm gay?
Let's see....
My life mentor
My PhD advisor
My PhD committee
The faculty of the School of Pharmacy at Nebraska
The MDs that cloaked me for White Coat Ceremony
The faculty of the Pharmaceutical Science Department at UNC
My Council of Trusted Advisors
My pastor
My classmates
My Sports Medicine Mentor
The Deans at my medical school
And guess what?
I still got my PhD
My mentors are still my mentors
My Council is intact
I still got cloaked with great enthusiasm by those MDs
I still work closely with my Sports Med mentor
I'm still on the Curriculum Committee (most powerful committee at my medical school)
I was voted onto this committee to represent my class BY my classmates
I'm also giving two talks at UNC to underrepresented minorities about how to navigate getting a PhD in a majority Ivory Tower
The way I love doesn't invalidate my experience or what I have to offer. People in power and those without have decided that I have something valuable to add and that my love life is a part of me. Who I will marry is a huge part of my life and my future but its not all of me. If someone wants to disqualify me from anything for who I love, then I don't want to be a part of whatever they were going to offer me before they found out who I am.
My destiny?
That's in God's hands. I'm not concerned about that at all. I think my destiny is going to be awesome in part because God did this really cool thing in making me same gender loving. Don't worry.
God's got this and me!
I'll be just fine.
Oh and the post stays.
Because one day, everyone will see and I'll be prouder than ever to say
"This is who my soul loves."
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Like Sunday Morning
I'd hate to give the misconception that its easy. Its not always easy.
God's will isn't necessarily easy.
He'll give you the power and the strength to do it but ease doesn't always come with it.
There's an ease in my spirit about what I'm doing and why but how to walk that out?
That's another situation entirely.
God's will isn't necessarily easy.
He'll give you the power and the strength to do it but ease doesn't always come with it.
There's an ease in my spirit about what I'm doing and why but how to walk that out?
That's another situation entirely.
Monday, December 5, 2016
X 3
Today I worked a race, as do most sports medicine folks.
Someone actually tripped over a curb and that was our most serious injury.
We were going through some standard questions to assess mental status and we asked
"Who is the President?"
Standard question right?
Anyway they made a face and finally said "Obama" followed by
"Its not Obama that I have a problem with but who's next!"
I'd say that's alerted and oriented X 3.
Sidenote: The EMS guy was white but she was being helped by a Black female attending, an Asian female resident, a Black female med student, and a Black EMS lady as well. I wonder what its like as a person who is a part of the minority to look up in a time a distress and see that the people there to take care of her are all minorities?
Someone actually tripped over a curb and that was our most serious injury.
We were going through some standard questions to assess mental status and we asked
"Who is the President?"
Standard question right?
Anyway they made a face and finally said "Obama" followed by
"Its not Obama that I have a problem with but who's next!"
I'd say that's alerted and oriented X 3.
Sidenote: The EMS guy was white but she was being helped by a Black female attending, an Asian female resident, a Black female med student, and a Black EMS lady as well. I wonder what its like as a person who is a part of the minority to look up in a time a distress and see that the people there to take care of her are all minorities?
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