Water

You never know what you have until its gone
that's the saying right
Well that's true and not true
I knew what I wanted
What I sometimes had
I knew it was worth all my effort
I knew I had to try

I never really had you
I had your mind
I had your spirit
But I never had your body
and you never had mine
and in the end
I think that saved me

I think I saved myself
That night when you crossed boundaries
traversed mountains
strolled in the plains
The night you offered
The night I prayed
And prayed and prayed
that I might continue to have the strength
to forsake by body for my spirit

And it saved me
because I never tasted you
I never felt the weight of you
on top of me
all around me
I never knew you completely

So when I lost you,
I could imagine
I could dream
but I never really knew exactly what I lost
not in the physical at least

I knew in my mind
In the place where you were my harbor
my safe space
my trusted confidante
 a savior without a capital s
I knew as I winded up my anchor
taking myself away from the one thing that
both tied me down and set me free
I knew and I didn't

For miles and miles and I still drift
untied and untethered to anything
but my search for knowledge

In quietness I sometimes wonder
what would it have been like
if when you climbed that wall
and sat atop it
daring me come with you
challenging me as I clung to the wall
not willing to trespass
If I'd let you take me to a place I knew I shouldn't go
What would it have felt like
Would it have been everything God calls intimacy to be
I think it would have
I honestly do
and that is why
even though I sometimes wish
I'd move my hand lower
my mouth to yours
accepted your unspoken invitation
climbed that wall
took your hand and jumped

It would have destroyed me.

Because then I'd have no doubt.
Then I'd know exactly what I couldn't have forever.
Or maybe what I will have but not today
and not having it today would be metastatic
spreading all over me
consuming me
and my destiny.

No, I've prayed many heartfelt
gut wrenching
mind altering
world shaking
earth shattering
Only you can do this God prayers
but I think the prayers I prayed
on that mountain
in that bed
with you
are probably
some of the most important prayers I'll ever pray.

Its those prayers that kept the me I am today
possible.
So God, I'm thankful
that you actually prepared me to be a sanctuary
that you controlled this, your servant
in my own hour of weakness
that I might not ultimately destroy myself
with the very thing I hold so dear.

Because you don't know what you have until its gone
But I never had you,
not completely.

And I may never have the opportunity to have you
but that might be God's shelter in my life.
Its complex to believe you could be my blessing
and my curse, but most extraordinary things
can be.
Water quenches thirst and wipes away whole cities.
You were my water.
You gave me the ability to hold onto my own life
and the love I had for you made it possible for me to disappear.
You could still be my harbor
my safe space
my so many things
but you aren't.
Not today at least.

Because you
You will always be someone God talked to me about.
You will always be the one I prayed and fasted for
You,
gorgeous and mysterious and devastating
You will always be that
a breathtaking cataclysmic mystery.
And I'll be, because you remain so.