I Know Who I Am

Just As I Am is one of the great hymns of the church.

Just as I am without one plea
but that thy blood was shed for me 
and that thou bidst me come to thee, 
O Lamb of God, I come, I come

Written by Charlotte Elliot, a single woman who was deemed an invalid due to illness, she found her identity in writing hymns.  She'd felt useless and struggled with her faith and then she wrote a prayer entitled Just As I Am. She became a celebrated hymnologist by finding security in her faith.  She went on to write 150 hymns that we still sing today.

If you're going to be successful you've got to learn to be secure in who you are.
When you're not secure you allow the views and perspectives of others about who you are, what you're worth, and why you matter become internal values.
Scripture already said that "He who is in you is greater than he would is in the world. "Don't let just anyone tell you who you are!

Moses was insecure about himself but not in who he is in God. Exodus 3 and 4
In Exodus, God saw the persecution of his people and planned to send Moses to deliver His people. God was calling Moses to a greater calling and take a bold and courageous stand.

Moses, of course, doesn't initially see what God sees in him. Moses's mistake in Chapter 2 where he killed an Egyptian and he ran away, define his life in his own eyes. His life was currently characterized by a mistake but God showed up in his life at that time. God still had Moses on his mind and He has us on his mind too. God still cares about you even in your mistake.
Despite your past God brought you through and He brought you out. <-- Initially I had big issues with the leadership role I was taking within IME at UNC because I didn't go there. I'd never been admitted to UNC, my #1 school, despite having applied 3 times in my life. I felt it was a lie. But God.....He saw fit that I go to the place that rejected me and be lifted up. He already had the infrastructure in place for me to be great and people who wanted me to be. They treated me and continue to treat me like I belong. For all intents and purposes I'm an alumni. I'm going back to give a few talks on being a minority PhD in the coming months...Won't He do it?

So many people suffer from "low I sight". It blurs your view of yourself and has you telling yourself that the world would be better off without you and that you can't do anything. It causes people to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in life. It can be a deadly perspective to have. Make sure you check your thoughts about yourself against the Word of God.

The way we see ourselves determines our behavior in life. If you see yourself as uncreative, you'll never innovate. If you see yourself as a loser, you'll never win.
God doesn't want us to be self loathing or arrogant..... God wants us to walk in "I can do all things through Christ."
He wants us to have a self worth based on our identity in Christ. <--The process of getting one for myself was grueling but oh so worth it.
God is trying to perform a major work in your life. You can be all the things God's calling you to because of God in you. 

When you know who you are in God it frees you from critics.
Moses didn't have to worry about his past or his qualifications in Midian. This call from God was going to raise all types of opposition. This happens today.
When people begin to pursue their dream, all the sudden there are issues. Once you get out of "your place", people get mad. If he'd let what others said about him define him, he'd have missed his ministry. He let what God said to him be what was true in his life. Moses discovered that what God says is the most important thing in his life. <-- That's a rough one because people who love you might not be in alignment with what God is saying is true about you. You've got to know and knowing for me meant lots of time alone, in my prayer closet, with my Bible letting God tell me exactly who I am and what He's called me to.

Romans 8:31 says "What then shall we say to all these things? If God is for us, who can be [successful] against us?

Once you're clear about the fact that God is literally the keeper on your team, go on ahead and do that audacious thing God put on your heart! I did....I'm getting another doctorate!

Insecurity takes the temperature of the room to determine how to be. Insecurity goes with the flow. Insecurity will have you do things you wouldn't do on your own just to fit in. Insecurity will lower your standards. <-- This is a big one for me. My standards are often questioned as being too rigid. People will say they're the reason I don't have fun or don't get to "experience life fully" and sometimes I do struggle with FOMO big time but then I remember that my standards keep me safe. Refusing to compromise your convictions because of what other people say or believe is a maturity of identity and faith that changes the game and its one I try diligently to walk in.

Pres. Obama was secure enough in who he was to not listen to the critics. They said all types of things about Barack....they insulted, derided, degraded, and assaulted more than any other president in history. But Obama has swag. He just brushes them off.
Michelle Obama said "Doing the work is going to get you through Its not what other people think of you its doing the work." <-- This is so me. I'm "I don't care what you think....I'm doing the work and the work will show for itself."

When others look at your race, gender, class, identity, and try and tell you what you can't do or can't be....brush that off. The glory God wants to get our of your life is at stake and dependent on your ability to be secure in who you are.

Being secure won't let you be swayed by others. He prayed, considered God's word, and used the gifts God gave him. He told God He was afraid of what people might say. He was honest with God, bringing his insecurity to God in prayer. <-- That's me all day. Its one of the most freeing things in the world to be able to say to God "I'm afraid," "I don't get it," "I want to believe but I don't." God responded to Moses and gave him what he needed and He'll meet you in that place too. So many times I've said "I want be believe but I don't" and so many times God has confirmed the same thing again and again for me to build my faith. He'll do it, if you're bold enough to say help my unbelief. 

Take it to Jesus....take him that promotion you want, that miscarriage you had, that financial hardship you can't figure out...He's got it. He'll handle it and He'll get the glory. It almost brought me to tears at the end of my defense when I put in a huge picture of a stained glass window with a cross on it and gave credit to God for my degree because I KNEW that there was no way but God that I got that degree.

FOUR times we read the words "the Lord said." He actually talked to God. <-- Let me tell you who's opinion I want on something serious....God's. That's who I want to hear from. That's who I talk to. That's where I'm going. And sometimes I just know within me, in the small quiet place that's always there leading me and guiding me, what it is He'd have me to do.

He also considered the Word of God. He went to the word. <-- The Word will blow your mind. It astounds me. I've gone to God about how to hand a situation and He's taken me in scripture to something about war and in that whole passage I'll land on "and they dealt peaceably"  towards the end of their dispute and that stands out like a beacon. God will show you if you want to see.

Psalms is one of the greatest sources of wisdom to be found in one place. In Psalm 1:1-3 God literally says If you want to know and be holy and upstanding, sit with the Word. Seek the Word.

God is constantly tell us who we are.
1 Peter 2:9 says you are a royal priesthood and a chosen race. You are God's own possession, called out of darkness into the light.
Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.<-- this is a great scripture and one of my entry points for sexuality and Christianity. It was also one of the many places God took me when I asked Him about suicide. If there's no condemnation and nothing can separate your from the Love of God.....that just about covers everything now doesn't it? I always say "If you can conceive of it, God's grace is bigger.
1 Corinthians 6:19 You're worth so much that God lives IN you.
1 Corinthians 12:27 You're vital to the body of Christ. Don't spend all your time trying to be someone you're not and miss who God made you to be. That's a gift in and of itself. Don't undervalue yourself as a creation of God.


Moses prayed.
He considered the word.
He also uses the gifts that God gave him.
Though he's questioning, he's got something ordinary in his hand and God makes it a miracle. Moses's confidence was found in what God had given him. That's how he got the confidence he needed. He learned to use what God had given him.<-- One of the greatest things I've ever done in my faith is this blog. This is what I've got...the ability to write and the ability to think and those two things, ordinary skills taught to me in school, have opened my relationship with God in a way I never could have expected. I'm so thankful for this ordinary thing that has made an extraordinary difference in my relationship with God.

Knowing who you are keeps your from compromising your standards, frees you from critics, and keeps you on the right course.

I am Yours

I love you
Forever
And I'll praise you with all that I am

Hallelujah
You've found me
And you loved me just the way that I am
I am Yours 

Broken are the chains that had me bound
I was so lost but now I'm found
Grace like a river has covered my sins
Arms of forgiveness embrace me again

I love you
Forever
And I'll praise you with all that I am

Hallelujah
You've found me
And You loved me just the way that I am

You're the Mighty One
You're the Risen One
you're the only one that's worthy of praise

Hallelujah
Thank you Jesus
I am yours
Forever and always 
I am Yours  

I love you
Forever
And I'll praise you with all that I am

Hallelujah
Jesus found me
And You loved me just the way that I am
I am Yours

I use to write a lot about belonging. 

It matters so much to me and has changed me in so many ways.

I have an undergrad who still tells people about me.

I still remember the first time I said "She's my undergrad."

I still remember the first time AV said "She's my student."

I still remember Kathy saying "You're ours and there's nothing you can do about it."

I still remember the first time I really needed Jesus and He called me "His beloved."

It changes you...for better and for good.

Small....but not in the wrong places ;-)

Asked God what He wanted me to know and He took me to Job 40:4.

Then Job replied to the Lord and said,

4 
“Behold, I am of little importance and contemptible; what can I reply to You?
I lay my hand on my mouth.

You are big and I am small. Got it!

Anywhere

I don't really know what I prayed for last night. All I know is Psalm 44 was laid on my heart this morning and it resonated with me.

We’ve been hearing about this, God,
    all our lives.
Our fathers told us the stories
    their fathers told them,
How single-handedly you weeded out the godless
    from the fields and planted us,
How you sent those people packing
    but gave us a fresh start.
We didn’t fight for this land;
    we didn’t work for it—it was a gift!
You gave it, smiling as you gave it,
    delighting as you gave it.

You’re my King, O God—
    command victories for Jacob!
With your help we’ll wipe out our enemies,
    in your name we’ll stomp them to dust.
I don’t trust in weapons;
    my sword won’t save me—
But it’s you, you who saved us from the enemy;
    you made those who hate us lose face.
All day we parade God’s praise—
    we thank you by name over and over.

I know what this feels like. This is what all of my past says is true. This is what I've seen God do time and time again. This is who I know God to be. This is also the faith of my youth. This is not faith that's been matured.

But now you’ve walked off and left us,
    you’ve disgraced us and won’t fight for us.
You made us turn tail and run;
    those who hate us have cleaned us out.
You delivered us as sheep to the butcher,
    you scattered us to the four winds.
You sold your people at a discount—
    you made nothing on the sale.

You made people on the street,
    urchins, poke fun and call us names.
You made us a joke among the godless,
    a cheap joke among the rabble.
Every day I’m up against it,
    my nose rubbed in my shame—
Gossip and ridicule fill the air,
    people out to get me crowd the street.

All this came down on us,
    and we’ve done nothing to deserve it.
We never betrayed your Covenant: our hearts
    were never false, our feet never left your path.
Do we deserve torture in a den of jackals?
    or lockup in a black hole?

If we had forgotten to pray to our God
    or made fools of ourselves with store-bought gods,
Wouldn’t God have figured this out?
    We can’t hide things from him.
No, you decided to make us martyrs,
    lambs assigned for sacrifice each day.

And this is how I feel sometimes as well. When have my feet strayed God? When did I break the covenants You've given me? Even when tempted, much like Job, I've stood steadfast in what I know to be true. Sometimes it seems that those who do ungodly things get to have what they want but I fast and pray and wait..... 

On really good days I know that's not the case. On really good days I know that the waiting is good for me, that it grows my faith and my perseverance and makes it possible for me to walk out the impossible plan you have for my life. I know everything works together for my good. I know Your will is what's best for me. I know all of that cognitively and on good days I'm walking that out real faithfully.

But on not so good days I watch people with my earthly eyes doing all types of things and seemingly getting everything they want any way. I see myself living this life that many consider one of unnecessary sacrifice. I see myself endeavoring to stay on the straight and narrow but that path doesn't feel like its leading anywhere. I just seem to be walking and walking and spectating life as opposed to living it. If I wasn't so bound to my relationship with you, I could participate in these fun albeit morally questionable behaviors but I don't. I don't because even on the bad days....
I still believe.

Get up, God! Are you going to sleep all day?

    Wake up! Don’t you care what happens to us?

Why do you bury your face in the pillow?

    Why pretend things are just fine with us?

And here we are—flat on our faces in the dirt,

    held down with a boot on our necks.

Get up and come to our rescue.

    If you love us so much, Help us!

I know I've asked You to do things and I'm believing You will. I know You're going to keep being who I know You to be. Today....today's just not one of those good days. Today the maturing of my faith hurts.

This too shall pass
Like every night that's come and gone before it
I'm so glad he never gives your nor me
more than you 
can bear
this too shall pass
so in this thought you be comforted
for its in His hands
this too shall pass

What I love about our relationship is that I can question You and You continue to perfect my faith despite my humanness. I won't and can't understand what You're doing but its for my good. So yea, I'm still with you and still on the path because even if I can't see where I'm going, I'll go anywhere with You.

Amen
Amen
Amen
Forever and Forever 
Amen

Task: Today

If your feelings control what your feet do, you're going to be in trouble. 

Everyday my feet have to keep moving.

You cannot be ruled by your feelings. 

You've got purpose that has to go forth. 

You can't get stuck here.

One

more

step...

The Question

Really smart people are good at a lot.
Good is a bad bar for you.
Can you do that? Yea you can do that.
You're smart!  You can do most anything.
That's not the question.
The question is "Is this a great thing for me?"

I try to ask myself this question..."Is this a great thing for me?" before I make any decision. Capability isn't the question.
The question is....

"Does this align with who or what God is calling me to be?" 

The Parents

So I've nannied for a few different families but two are big time for me.

Ashley and Daniella.
One of the biggest things they've done for me is that they both embraced the fact that I'm gay and that that's a part of my identity.

Ashley kind of guessed it since I was using all gender neutral pronouns and one night we stayed up really late talking about it. I'm talking 3 am late.

Why I felt comfortable? When I'd been in her kids' library I'd seen books about same sex parents.  She was clearly already open to it and showing her kids that these things are okay.

Now her whole family knows and her parents came to my White Coat and cloaked me like.... well like proud parents.  They're both graduates of HUCM so I'll definitely have them back for my Long White Coat Ceremony.

Daniella, is this Jewish lady doctor with whom I have so many fascinating conversations but what really sold me on her was this interaction.

As soon as the idea of me marrying a girl came up she said to the kids "Remember when we talked about how some women love women and some men love men and some women love men and that's okay? Well Ms. P loves women." The fact that she'd already talked to her kids who were 6 and 4 about this was just so great.

The parents are a huge part of why I keep going back. I love the kids but the ability for the parents and I to get along on such fundamental terms is key. Its awesome to have bosses that get it.

Where ever

If you don't walk by faith, you're not going to be able to do it.

Just lead me, Father. Just lead me. 

Even Me

God loves me.

I'm so humbled to know it and to live in it and to flourish because of it.

Ummm No

When your friends catch a glimpse of how good you are at being a supporter, a cheerleader, an advocate, affectionate, caring, and loving and they're like....

"So can you do all of that for me? Can I be your platonic girlfriend?"

No girl. 

No, you cannot be my platonic girlfriend.

That's not a thing.

Frozen

My mother is so desperate for me to be heterosexual.
Its sad really.
She keeps bringing up boys to me that she's sooo sure I liked as proof.
Yea I did like them...as friends.
I wanted to get married. I still do.
I thought boys were my only option in that area so yea, I wanted to be married and that would mean having to be with a boy.

When you know better you do better.

Now that I know I can marry the woman of my dreams, that's what I'm doing.

Bringing up the past isn't going to change the fact that I'm marrying a woman.

Let it go.