Night Call

So now that school isn't in session, I'm doing night call. It was great. I was on with a resident I'd known before and one I didn't. Also...no other students were on that night so it was pretty awesome.

Anyway...one of the R2s said this other R2 that I really enjoyed being on with was coming and I got excited. She was all "Why are you so interested in when he will be here?" and went on a ways about me liking me. I just tried to politely decline and say "no, I learned a lot with him and he was on the first time I was here,"

Then there was decision of body type that you find attractive. I basically said I didn't like little bodies. I didn't specify who are anything.

Finally, we were talking about rings. And I was like "This is what I like" and I showed them this band. They were all "but what engagement ring?" and I was like "none for me thanks" to which they replied "You don't like them" and went on a little while until I finally said

"I'm going to give an engagement ring."

Then....the whole night clicked for them.

They were super cool about it. They even offered to go close the door to the resident room to make sure no one heard. They told me not to tell the attendings (because they're old men and they wouldn't understand any damn way lol) but that they wouldn't tell anyone. Then they wanted to hear about my love life.

I told them there was a girl once I would have proposed to. Then they were all the way live interested. I kind of spared some details but lets just say they were pleased I wasn't in that situation any more. We talked about religion and sexuality and had a pretty lively discussion which for them came down to what I've also found in the Bible. They'd seen and read the same and felt as I do about not judging folks, about that which convicts you is a sin but may not be a sin for another, about what love is and where it comes from and how a manifestation of what God says in the Bible can't be both God and sin. It was truly a lovely conversation.

I told them I toy sometimes with talking to her. They were NOT here for that.

They both agreed that I should be selfish and fight for my happiness. If my happiness comes at the cost of not talking to her, I should stay the course, they said.

I'd never heard of the idea of fighting for your happiness but in a sense, I guess I'm doing that every single day I don't re-enter the emotional minefield that was our relationship.

I miss her no doubt but I don't miss how I felt. I told them I'd go back if she ever wanted me and wanted to do the work of reconciling with her faith and living and honest open life that would include marriage and children. Yes, I still want that with her and yet, I still fight for my own happiness. Its a strange reality but it works.

It was interesting how as an out person, its so hard to not be out when having personal conversations about life. Like I was dancing around it for hours with them and finally I was like "You know what? This is BS." I told them because honestly, how can you actually know someone or even have a decent convo with me about life without me telling you. Anything else is me playing at the conversation, not being in it.

Anyway, it was a super cool experience. They also told me that I don't have to tell anyone I'm interviewing with for residency that I'm gay. So yea, that was my first time coming out to residents and it went well. Every time I come out and it goes well, I'm thrilled not only for myself but for the world because guess what? Life is so much better in the sun!

School, Babies, Soccer....And?

I love my life.
I really do.

But today, I stayed home with a sick kid.

And now I'm at my own house thinking about when God will open up the family part of my life.
I know He's given me a passion for so much but I want a home too.
And I want my home to be in my wife.
With the amount of travel I want in my life, the amount of adventure, I know my home will be in her and not necessarily in a place.
I had that.
I want it back.

My life is so simply right now.
Babies, Soccer, School.
Those are my loves.

I don't want the complexity of emotional torture that I defined my life 13 moons ago, but I do want an emotional life that isn't always parent-child oriented.
I want an equal.
I want a lover and a friend.
I want what Prince meant when he said "I want to be your brother. Your mother and your sister, too."

I trust that whatever God is doing...it'll be great.
The waiting isn't always patient even if I know its worth it.

Where's home God?
Where is she?

High and Low, No Middle

Yesterday was so weird.

So in the AM I went to my first ACOG meeting. Super interesting....lots of great talks.
They have this section for medical school students but lets me honest. I don't need an introduction to the field of OB/GYN. I know what they do. I know I want to be one. I've got more OB experience in my first year than anyone else in my class. When I'm in L&D, I have to function as at least an M3 and in Sports Medicine clinic as a resident.

I'm good.

So instead, I went to clinical seminars. I want to sound smart and have an intelligent conversation with my attendings in a week when I do have night call.

I went to a talk on VBAC, Periviability and Shared Decision Making, and Non-invasive prenatal testing. It was cool. Weird but cool.

So interesting fact....
Neonatologists say the edge of viability is 22 weeks.
OB say 23 weeks.

But BOTH say they wouldn't save their own babies until 25 weeks.

That's because they know that under 25 weeks the chances of death are very high as well as the fact that almost all of those kids have a disability. They talked about how you should inquire as to the goal of the parents. What is their ideal outcome? Because people who say I want a normal healthy kid and give birth to a 23 weeker? The sad truth is that if you want a normal healthy kid, you need to try again with a new pregnancy and use palliative care for the 23 weeker. The likelihood that 23 week gestation will produce a normal healthy kid is low so if that's your goal, you need to try again. I realize I'll have to say that more tactfully but its true.

I went straight to the game from there and that was great.
Management of some ongoing issues during the game but nothing major.
We won! Big 3 points putting us squarely at the top of the table. We'd have to lose just so someone else could be tied with us so we're doing great. Still undefeated!

Here's to hoping the coaches actually listen to both our ATC and myself about loads and who needs to sit out for some stuff on Tuesday. I want to take out everyone who played 60+ minutes from at least part of training. You just can't expect someone who ran 8+ miles on Saturday to really give it to you on Tuesday. You want them fit and capable to go hard later in the week in the run up to the next game. Give them a break! You can't work through I ran 8.5 miles. You're just running yourself into the ground and the overall quality of training will suffer not to mention they have to go to weight lifting that afternoon. Managing player loads needs to be taken a lot more seriously.

::Steps off soapbox::

Anyway yesterday was highs and lows but I'm loving it all.

Cheers to the summer!

On The Pitch

I'll never be the focal point of a picture with my team, as I support them but am not one of them, but I'm often in the background of at least one shot! 

Game days are the best days! 

Still top of the table...still undefeated.

#WeWill

Year 2

I'm officially an M2.

Ain't God good!?!?!

Wasn't Expecting This

I really identified with Megan.
We both love soccer.
We were both taking Abby's retirement hard.
We both loved kids.

And then she did something that told me that we are actually nothing alike.
I'm not spilling any details here but Megan left her wife.
Let me be very clear.....Megan left her wife and the mother of her two children.

That was when I realized that me and Megan are very different.
Megan said she wasn't in love with Candace any more.
I don't really have a grasp on what that means. I can't wrap my mind around it.

I've always felt like love, the long standing love of marriage that is, was a choice you made everyday to choose that person, to see them favorably, to try.

The words "I don't love you anymore" aren't ones I understand if you've ever loved someone.
I've loved two people on the path to the love standing love of marriage. No, I've never been married but two times in my life, there have been people I would have stayed with forever.

I still love both of them.
I may not be in love but I think with a foundation of "I love you" you can always get back to "I'm in love with you."

Love doesn't mysteriously end. Or at least it doesn't for me.

So yea, that knocked the wind out of me.

What I love though is that Candace is talking about it. She's not hiding. She's not radio silent. She's grieving and sad but she's going to be alright.

One of the most powerful things a person who is hurting can do is tell the truth. Saying so lets people know you need them. It gives people permission to help.

I'm really proud of you, Candace.
Really proud.

I'm Still Me

Show me your scars, and I won't walk away.


That statement has been the hallmark of friendships with me.
I've always been the hard times friend, the you need to cry friend, the devastation is all around you and you need an anchor friend, the prayer warrior friend.

I know I write a lot on here about how I feel and who I am. I just wanted to say I'm still that person.  Medical school makes it harder to be that person, but I'm still her. I'm still deeply sensitive and as my friends here say "the most caring friend I've ever had." I'm still the friend that doesn't walk away the the painful stuff, the emotional work of being human. I run towards it because its only made me better.

You know, I promised God I wouldn't walk away from her for a certain amount of time. That's a sacrifice I've made, a statement of faith really. Things hoped for and not yet seen....there's nothing more not seen than the way we are right now.

If she ever came back, if she ever really wanted to try this life thing with me, I'm still here.  There's no love lost. There's maturity. There's time and space. There's prayer and growth. But love lost isn't something that exists from me towards her.

If she wanted love, fidelity, and devotion with me, I'm all in.

I don't live in a fantasy. I realize what's happened. I realize we'd have to build trust. I realize we'd have get to know each other again. I realize we aren't the same people we were in July.

I also know that after all this time, I've been silent, distant, and reclusive but I haven't walked away.