Gotta B on my first lecture quiz.
Taking the rest of today off! (Watching WOSO!)
Peace!
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The Short White Coat
The "Medical Parents"
Got cloaked by the "med parents" I know and love!
Me and Momma M
Chasing my second doctorate!
Huge thanks to my "medical parents" for making me feel so special and loved at my ceremony! And also...for letting me live out loud without compromise and being proud of who I am in totality :-)
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Write Love
I believe in shirts with messages. Sometimes their funny, sometimes political, and sometimes life giving.
To Write Love on Her Arms is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.
I've been that girl...who needed real help.
We believe:
You were created to love and be loved.
People need other people.
Your story is important.
Better days are ahead.
Hope and help are real.
And now, I'm this girl: the one who tells her story boldly because it matters. People need to hear imperfection so they can stop striving for the impossible they thing you've attained.OHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and invest directly into treatment and recovery.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Yet and Still
I dreamt of you last night
that for some reason you were in town
in my bed actually
and when I put my arm around you and held you
you cried
because I still felt that way about you and you
you felt undeserving.
Across the room you moved, thinking I'd reject you.
You told me of all the people who violated the sacredness of you,
that they'd never been willing to give you anything,
that they'd never committed and only taken from you.
You asked me what I still saw?
Why I was still willing?
and I said the very same thing I'd always seen
and that God told me to wait, so I did.
You came back to bed
gingerly taking up residence in the space I'd held for you all these years
and then you whispered to me, or maybe to God
"I'm finally ready."
And it was my turn to cry
that for some reason you were in town
in my bed actually
and when I put my arm around you and held you
you cried
because I still felt that way about you and you
you felt undeserving.
Across the room you moved, thinking I'd reject you.
You told me of all the people who violated the sacredness of you,
that they'd never been willing to give you anything,
that they'd never committed and only taken from you.
You asked me what I still saw?
Why I was still willing?
and I said the very same thing I'd always seen
and that God told me to wait, so I did.
You came back to bed
gingerly taking up residence in the space I'd held for you all these years
and then you whispered to me, or maybe to God
"I'm finally ready."
And it was my turn to cry
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Something's up...
So clearly school has officially started. I use to do a ton of writing and now I don't.
What I do do though is run. I run everyday but Sundays because it helps me focus and stay awake in class. I'm at about 4 miles in an hour: running, walking, and sprinting. I'd like to be at about 5 so that means a whole lot more running. I'm also training for a big competition on behalf of our class so I gotta get fit! I'm really pleased with how changing my diet has helped my training as well. So the running plus having a job has left little time for writing. I do still write...just not publicly.
There's also something to be said about having less emotional weight to carry in your life that has meant I have a whole lot less to say. I just don't have as much to process. Now I write just to inform my future wife about what it was like when I was a med student. One day she'll get probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 letters over the course of 4 years about my life in this time. I hope she appreciates that lol ;-)
Lastly, I won my class office. WOOOHOOO! And I've started coming out to the people that I hang out with the most so far and I plan to live out loud completely. Its liberating and awesome. Marshmallows and butterflies. My "medical parents", as my sister calls them, cloaked me Friday and that was cool. I've got the kids tomorrow....
Life is moving forward.
What I do do though is run. I run everyday but Sundays because it helps me focus and stay awake in class. I'm at about 4 miles in an hour: running, walking, and sprinting. I'd like to be at about 5 so that means a whole lot more running. I'm also training for a big competition on behalf of our class so I gotta get fit! I'm really pleased with how changing my diet has helped my training as well. So the running plus having a job has left little time for writing. I do still write...just not publicly.
There's also something to be said about having less emotional weight to carry in your life that has meant I have a whole lot less to say. I just don't have as much to process. Now I write just to inform my future wife about what it was like when I was a med student. One day she'll get probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 letters over the course of 4 years about my life in this time. I hope she appreciates that lol ;-)
Lastly, I won my class office. WOOOHOOO! And I've started coming out to the people that I hang out with the most so far and I plan to live out loud completely. Its liberating and awesome. Marshmallows and butterflies. My "medical parents", as my sister calls them, cloaked me Friday and that was cool. I've got the kids tomorrow....
Life is moving forward.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
First Day
So...I don't know what to think yet. Lecture was straight forward. I've got to read for TBL at 8 am tomorrow.
I've got 3 hours worth of things to do today and about 4 hours to do them in....
I just want to touch on a thought from our dean this morning's Opening Ceremony for the College of Medicine.
He discussed 4 A's: Apathy, Ability, Affability, and Availability
He said....
Apathy has no place in medicine. You need to care.
Ability is what is required of you. You will have to apply yourselves to study and dedicate large amounts of time and energy to your schoolwork or you won't be able to do all that you need to be able to do for your patients. The expectation of the public, of the faculty, and of the larger medical community is that you have certain skills as a result of being called a physician. You need to make sure that's true.
Affability in your personality will be necessary. Nothing is as good or bad as it seems. Bring light in every room you enter because even when you patients leave after devastating news, they'll be able to see the difference between the message and the messenger. Be nice to all the people who will look to you for leadership because you need your team to provide care. Everyone matters.
Availability is critical. Attend class. Why? Because what you don't know could cost someone their life. If you break a body, its broken. There are no short cuts. Be where you're supposed to be and be present.
Your patients will trust you in ways that they trust no other person in their lives.
Its an honor.
Its a privilege.
Its a responsibility.
Hold on to the gravity of what this means because if you do, it'll make you a better person and a better physician.
I've got 3 hours worth of things to do today and about 4 hours to do them in....
I just want to touch on a thought from our dean this morning's Opening Ceremony for the College of Medicine.
He discussed 4 A's: Apathy, Ability, Affability, and Availability
He said....
Apathy has no place in medicine. You need to care.
Ability is what is required of you. You will have to apply yourselves to study and dedicate large amounts of time and energy to your schoolwork or you won't be able to do all that you need to be able to do for your patients. The expectation of the public, of the faculty, and of the larger medical community is that you have certain skills as a result of being called a physician. You need to make sure that's true.
Affability in your personality will be necessary. Nothing is as good or bad as it seems. Bring light in every room you enter because even when you patients leave after devastating news, they'll be able to see the difference between the message and the messenger. Be nice to all the people who will look to you for leadership because you need your team to provide care. Everyone matters.
Availability is critical. Attend class. Why? Because what you don't know could cost someone their life. If you break a body, its broken. There are no short cuts. Be where you're supposed to be and be present.
Your patients will trust you in ways that they trust no other person in their lives.
Its an honor.
Its a privilege.
Its a responsibility.
Hold on to the gravity of what this means because if you do, it'll make you a better person and a better physician.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
My Only Sport
So everyone has always tried to get my excited about sports. Having been denied the opportunity to play them as a child, I've never really be into them. They were something I couldn't do.
There was however, in middle school, a brief glimmer of hope called soccer. I played very briefly but I loved it. I actually played goalie. Well....fast forward to the women's world cup. It rekindled my love for women's soccer. Since the cup, I've spent most of my free time watching old matches. I've watched at least 40 hours of soccer in about 14 days. Yup....I'm a fan.
I'm a big fan.
AND now I live in a city with a team. That's my home team shirt and my USNWT shirt! 3 STARS!!!
There was however, in middle school, a brief glimmer of hope called soccer. I played very briefly but I loved it. I actually played goalie. Well....fast forward to the women's world cup. It rekindled my love for women's soccer. Since the cup, I've spent most of my free time watching old matches. I've watched at least 40 hours of soccer in about 14 days. Yup....I'm a fan.
I'm a big fan.
AND now I live in a city with a team. That's my home team shirt and my USNWT shirt! 3 STARS!!!
I went out Saturday to the Maryland SoccerPlex and watched the Washington Spirit play the Seattle Reign. Maybe y'all don't know but all but one of the National Team members plays on a National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) team as well. The Washington Spirit is the home to Ali Krieger who is a part of the the Department of Defense backline of the USWNT and Ashlyn Harris, who played for UNC as goalie and is the 2nd goalie for our team behind Hope Solo. I stood up for the entire 90 minute game. Yup...it was riveting.
We won by the way... 3 to 0. Clean sheet for our defense! I know our goalie who trains with Ashlyn who trains with Hope is getting some residuals from all the greatness. I'll be back at the Plex next Saturday too since we have 3 straight home games.
I fell for soccer hard as a kid. I am from NC which has the greatest and most developed women's soccer dynasty at UNC. Mia Hamm played for us from the 99ers. I had a very early introduction to soccer but it fell away as I became increasingly involved in academics and wasn't allowed to play. As a 1st yr, my lab shut down for the Men's World Cup. I realize that women's sports aren't that well recognized but they should be. These women are warriors. Abby Wambach has scored more international goals than any other player in history. I've pre-ordered her jersey! Hope Solo is literally the best goal keeper in the world. Carli Lloyd scored a hat trick in the final! (A hat trick is 3 goals by one player in one game.) These women are playing first class soccer and they're slaying. 3 STARS! 3 and the men have won......
Oh and just in case you were wondering, there are repercussions to the lack of eyeballs watching NWSL and Women's Soccer. Every male team that made it to the round of 16 in the Men's got $8M from FIFA and the winner of the men's last year got over $30M. The Women's Champions for $2M. Yup....the men just show up and get 8 and the women have to WIN to get 2. That's completely insane.
I love women's soccer. I love how inclusive it is. I love that it holds up a beacon to the world of out gay ballers. USWNT has demonstrated that sexuality of the players doesn't affect the game negatively. Gay players aren't distractions in women's soccer, one of the main arguments used to keep gay men closeted or out of sports, they are leaders. The whole team celebrates love.
Love and World Class Soccer!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
July 15-17th
End of the week observations....
When I get home I must workout immediately...or it won't get done. Glad I grabbed a jogging mile yesterday along with my other 2 quick miles because just like academic goals, I have fitness goals. I'd like to be at 3 miles in 40 minutes in September so that's a fairly vigorous workout schedule. Why running? Because I can watch TV while I do it! Yup....TV is still my boo.
Packing lunch as soon as I get home (before the gym) makes sure it gets done and affords me more time in the morning.
Lastly, I probably don't need to leave my house until around 7:20 to be on time....that's awesome sauce.
Its been a good time this week. I've decided to completely own my international travel experiences, nannying, my Hampton legacy, my diversity work, and being Southern. I just say I've done research and moved around with the lab as far as that goes. We had a great session on sexual violence and I thought that was great....okay no more writing time in the AM. I'll finish this this tonight.
Okay so its a few days later but generally speaking its been great. Met some interesting people.
I'm still reading my Bible but I've slowed down with posting because I used to spend about 90 minutes doing that a day and with the incorporation of working out, my writing has dwindled. I'm thinking of some alternating pattern but I haven't sorted that out yet.
Anyway....that's the first week!
When I get home I must workout immediately...or it won't get done. Glad I grabbed a jogging mile yesterday along with my other 2 quick miles because just like academic goals, I have fitness goals. I'd like to be at 3 miles in 40 minutes in September so that's a fairly vigorous workout schedule. Why running? Because I can watch TV while I do it! Yup....TV is still my boo.
Packing lunch as soon as I get home (before the gym) makes sure it gets done and affords me more time in the morning.
Lastly, I probably don't need to leave my house until around 7:20 to be on time....that's awesome sauce.
Its been a good time this week. I've decided to completely own my international travel experiences, nannying, my Hampton legacy, my diversity work, and being Southern. I just say I've done research and moved around with the lab as far as that goes. We had a great session on sexual violence and I thought that was great....okay no more writing time in the AM. I'll finish this this tonight.
Okay so its a few days later but generally speaking its been great. Met some interesting people.
I'm still reading my Bible but I've slowed down with posting because I used to spend about 90 minutes doing that a day and with the incorporation of working out, my writing has dwindled. I'm thinking of some alternating pattern but I haven't sorted that out yet.
Anyway....that's the first week!
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Questions
Happy and fortunate are you who cast your seed upon all waters [when the river overflows its banks; for the seed will sink into the mud and when the waters subside, the plant will spring up; you will find it after many days and reap an abundant harvest], you who safely send forth the ox and the donkey [to range freely]
Isaiah 32:20
I tend to be pretty bold in my relationship with God. He knows me...and I'm knowing Him more and more each days. He knows I need to know things. I don't need to know how at this point because He's grown my trust in Him to the point where I trust Him enough that if He says so I believe Him, but I still ask what.
I recently asked God a pointed question that would have devastated me but I was prepared to hear. I'm a constant checker-inner. I want to check in and get confirmation after confirmation because I don't want to misinterpret or misread anything from God. I know that He'll redirect me if I do but I want to hear clearly the first time. I want my relationship with Him to continue to deepen in that direction. God took me to this passage. He gave me 32:20 and then I said what book and got Isaiah. I love that it's the last verse of that chapter because even that confirms it was God. I have no idea how many verses or chapters are in various books but I've never gotten a scripture that wasn't real. He's faithful. When He wants to show me something, there's always a there there. So I opened my Bible and found this verse. About sowing....and finding a plant and reaping an abundant harvest MANY DAYS later.
I'm cool with that. I'm going to go on about my business and let God be God.
Isaiah 32:20
I tend to be pretty bold in my relationship with God. He knows me...and I'm knowing Him more and more each days. He knows I need to know things. I don't need to know how at this point because He's grown my trust in Him to the point where I trust Him enough that if He says so I believe Him, but I still ask what.
I recently asked God a pointed question that would have devastated me but I was prepared to hear. I'm a constant checker-inner. I want to check in and get confirmation after confirmation because I don't want to misinterpret or misread anything from God. I know that He'll redirect me if I do but I want to hear clearly the first time. I want my relationship with Him to continue to deepen in that direction. God took me to this passage. He gave me 32:20 and then I said what book and got Isaiah. I love that it's the last verse of that chapter because even that confirms it was God. I have no idea how many verses or chapters are in various books but I've never gotten a scripture that wasn't real. He's faithful. When He wants to show me something, there's always a there there. So I opened my Bible and found this verse. About sowing....and finding a plant and reaping an abundant harvest MANY DAYS later.
I'm cool with that. I'm going to go on about my business and let God be God.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
July 15th
I spent 28 years getting ready for this moment.
I spent many hours studying to show myself approved.
I spent countless hours in prayer and fasting about medical school.
Its finally here.
I'd like to thank everyone who had a hand in getting me here.
I'd like to thank Jesus for making sure I got here.
I'd like to thank myself....because it wasn't easy but I made it.
I spent many hours studying to show myself approved.
I spent countless hours in prayer and fasting about medical school.
Its finally here.
I'd like to thank everyone who had a hand in getting me here.
I'd like to thank Jesus for making sure I got here.
I'd like to thank myself....because it wasn't easy but I made it.
Today is the first day of a lifetime....today starts a sacrifice I'm honored to make.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Accounted For
I had to show up for myself recently in a way I never thought I'd have to. I'm not very good at showing up for myself. I can be great for you or on a team even, but I generally don't do it for myself. I know this isn't always the best characteristic but I've been told I'm giving to a fault. My mentor says I care about people in a way this extraordinary. I know these things are true about me but the bad part for me is keeping that in check. I don't have a brake on caring or giving. Now this isn't always an issue. I've very selective with both giving and caring but I need people around me to say "Hey, looks like you're not in a good place" or as I found recently, I can do that for myself if I give myself enough time to process what's actually going on.
I give things I actually need to function. That's not good and moreover, its not healthy. My mentor was the first person to identify in me the fact that I'm over responsible. I'm so busy making sure everyone else is okay that I'm not taking care of my own stuff. And for me in this space, its made me take on things that don't have my name on them and aren't actually mine to handle. Meanwhile, what I'm going to need to be doing is going to require considerable effort, so I need to stay in this recovery ice bath as opposed to thinking I can play the full 80 minutes. In some ways, I've relied on my relationship with God to be my medic on the sidelines. I go into the game, play passionately, get banged up, come off and get patched up by God, and go back in. Its the "go back in" that isn't always necessary. Sometimes, you need to sit out that game. Sometimes I need to be at peace with having played 55 minutes and let this ice bath do its job. What showing up for myself means is saying "no, actually I can't keep doing that. I'm going to stop getting into situations that bang me up and hurt me and chill." I recently embarked on a journey of saying no to something I thought I had to do in a certain way that made me anxious at best and felt like torture more than 50% of the time. Its been good for me.
What I love about God in this is that, I can trust Him to be strong in my weakness. I can't handle it so I've got to know Him and believe on Him that whatever He wants to come to pass is coming to pass without requiring me to sacrifice my feelings or my peace. God doesn't need me to allow pain in my life to get to where He wants me to be. If He wants me to be there, I will be. Its that simple. And if He doesn't, I trust Him enough to say that whatever He does do, it'll be the best thing for me.
II Corinthians 13:4
For though He was crucified in weakness, yet He goes on living by the power of God. And though we too are weak in Him [as He was humanly weak], yet in dealing with you [we shall show ourselves] alive and strong in [fellowship with] Him by the power of God
This is one of those things I love in scripture that I was just talking about. I'm not able. I'm just not. I mean I am. Let me clarify that. I could do it, but it costs me something every time. There are a lot of things I could do but the question is first "Is this good or bad for me?" and after that if its good, "Is this good or great for me?" Time is going to be very limited very soon. If its not a great thing for me, I don't have time for it. I could do it, but it needs to be the right thing. Moreover, I've seen how things that I actually can't do, get done through Him. Stuff I really needed to take care of, got done because Jesus. Knowing He's got me like that....amazing.
When I look up from my perch, I see a book on the wall that I wrote. Like how is that a thing? Jesus is how.
When I look through my scrapbook of me and CJ and see how God made space for me to really walk out that stay at home mom life at a time when I needed a dose of that? I'm humbled by the opportunity.
When I see the emails sent on my behalf to be eligible to graduate without a publication due to patent stuff? Nothing but God's favor.
II Corinthians 13:8
For we can do nothing against the Truth [[c]not serve any party or personal interest], but only for the Truth [[d]which is the Gospel].
This is standing in the sun for me. Owning my truth and walking in it is so empowering to me. Walking around my house and seeing images and affirm who I am...its great. Truth and the desire for it are deeply built into who I am because of who He is in me. Its why some things are so difficult for me. I can't show up knowing what I know and acting like I don't. Its a beautiful and difficult part of my relationship with God. Its great because it agrees with my insides. The things that settle me are steeped in truth and I can find peace way before a thing comes to pass. The hard part of that is that when a thing hasn't come to pass, knowing it will and not having it is the familiar journey of waiting. Waiting on God is many things: beautiful, inspiring, arduous, difficult, hopeful. It is in the waiting that my relationship with Him has been profoundly altered for the better. He grows me in the waiting.
II Corinthians 13:11,14
Finally, brethren, farewell (rejoice)! Be strengthened (perfected, completed, made what you ought to be); be encouraged and consoled and comforted; be of the same [agreeable] mind one with another; live in peace, and [then] the God of love [Who is the Source of affection, goodwill, love, and benevolence toward men] and the Author and Promoter of peace will be with you.
The grace (favor and spiritual blessing) of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the presence and fellowship (the communion and sharing together, and participation) in the Holy Spirit be with you all. Amen (so be it).
Paul says this...and I didn't know I'd be writing this today but I feel the same way.
Be strong, be encouraged, and be comforted. I need to do this for me because I have to take care of me with at least the same tenacity that I care for you with. We understand each other and we seek the best for each other. Even when those things don't give us what we want, we seek the best for each other. I'm praying for you. You'll always have a piece of my heart. I hope you have peace and the God is ever present with you. May His grace continue to blanket every corner of your life and be your refuge. I love you.
Monday, July 13, 2015
You Lift Me Up
In the fullness of your grace
In the power of your name
You lift me up
If you don't know Him as your strength, you should. I didn't always know Him as my strength. Getting to know Him in this way changed my life because it isn't on me. I don't have to do it. I don't have to carry the weight of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, or shame. Christ carried all of that to the cross for me. Just for me, He'd have made the same sacrifice. Isn't that amazing? I mean I can see for all humanity...I might even be inclined to give my life a whole host of people but for one? Jesus would have gone to the cross for just one! God demonstrates this in the story about the shepherd and the sheep. He went in search of the one that went astray. That's who our God is. He seeks after the one that goes astray. He's after the lost and the broken, the distraught and the despairing.
I've been the lost and the broken. I've know despair. Distraught has described me accurately at times in my life. And in those places and spaces, I've been blessed to know Him enough and trust Him enough to go to Him. To let Him be the strength I didn't have, the care I couldn't give, the will I couldn't muster, and the love I desperately needed. His grace has made sacred the experiences I had that drew me closer to Him. To know that He put things in place to make sure that I'd turn 28? To know the Benz and my love and my baby love were all exactly where He had them that I might come to know exactly how powerful God is. I've watched Him use people to life me up.
He is my strength.
II Corinthians 12:2
I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows—was caught up to the third heaven.
Just remember...this is still possible. Heaven is real. I've got about 8,000 babies to deliver, 100 residents to train, marriage and 4+ kids, and 2 medical schools to run between me and heaven and I'm going to love the journey on the way to my destination!
II Corinthians 12:9
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for Mystrength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
I think its a disservice that we don't often quote more than just the "His grace is sufficient" part. I love grace.....its tattooed on my leg. I believe grace is so much more than I can think or imagine. If I've thought it grace is more. It gives me such a radical view of who God is because I know my grace runs out. I know things I've done have caused me to want to walk away from myself...much less a perfect and holy God! But He's after me. He's interested in me even when I'm a complete mess. His grace endureth. His grace is everlasting. His grace made a way for me and for you way back before Jesus. When the commandments were given the design for the temple was also given because God knew we'd need a way to atone. He's been making a way, by and through grace, for His people forever. He fulfilled and completed the law by His Son Jesus, who kept the law and then became sin that I might become righteous. Grace is amazing and beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.
What I love in this particular commemorative time in my life, the season of my birth, is that same idea I was talking about earlier. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. His strength being made perfect does't always look the same. Sometimes its being strong enough to alleviate someone else's suffering. Sometimes His strength is saying I need help. Sometimes His strength is forgiving something egregious.
There's grace and strength, both of God, in the same verse.
What I know is that not only His grace sufficient but He's also going to use that which I think is shameful and embarrassing and not worthy and unlikeable and unloveable and intolerable to show forth who He is. In my inability, His ability shines through. In my lack, He is my plenty. In my without, He is my abundance. When I wanted to let go, He held on. In all that I am not, He is. I love that He is.
II Corinthians 12:10
So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [e]in divine strength).
This devotional was born out of my weakness. It came to be because I needed more Jesus and less me. Its a shining example of the fact that He's right here with me, in me, moving me and molding me, making me better by stripping away the walls I've built and exposing me for who I am so I can be who He's called me to be. I'm so grateful for my journey because I wouldn't know me like I do. I'm astounded by the way I know Him because of it. I wouldn't take anything for my journey.
Nothing.
II Corinthians 12:14
Now for the third time I am ready to come to [visit] you. And I will not burden you [financially], for it is not your [money] that I want but you; for children are not duty bound to lay up store for their parents, but parents for their children
Yesterday I had a great conversation about kids and I spoke about how the ministry of parenting is about giving. Much like the ministry of marriage, its about what you can give.
I think this can be about much more. I think more than parents and children are people who don't know and people who do. When I consider what me mentor's given me, its a path....a way of being that yields fruit, makes me more efficient, and draws me closer to God. When I think about what I hope this blog does, its a path....a thought process that will help you consider the small ways and the gigantic ones that God moves in your life. Some say this practice I have means I'm a mature Christian. I'd say I'm in process but if you're someone who considers yourself less religious or you feel you don't have a deep meaningful relationship with God, I hope that my faith practice encourages you. I pray it does every night.
In the power of your name
You lift me up
If you don't know Him as your strength, you should. I didn't always know Him as my strength. Getting to know Him in this way changed my life because it isn't on me. I don't have to do it. I don't have to carry the weight of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, or shame. Christ carried all of that to the cross for me. Just for me, He'd have made the same sacrifice. Isn't that amazing? I mean I can see for all humanity...I might even be inclined to give my life a whole host of people but for one? Jesus would have gone to the cross for just one! God demonstrates this in the story about the shepherd and the sheep. He went in search of the one that went astray. That's who our God is. He seeks after the one that goes astray. He's after the lost and the broken, the distraught and the despairing.
I've been the lost and the broken. I've know despair. Distraught has described me accurately at times in my life. And in those places and spaces, I've been blessed to know Him enough and trust Him enough to go to Him. To let Him be the strength I didn't have, the care I couldn't give, the will I couldn't muster, and the love I desperately needed. His grace has made sacred the experiences I had that drew me closer to Him. To know that He put things in place to make sure that I'd turn 28? To know the Benz and my love and my baby love were all exactly where He had them that I might come to know exactly how powerful God is. I've watched Him use people to life me up.
He is my strength.
II Corinthians 12:2
I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows—was caught up to the third heaven.
Just remember...this is still possible. Heaven is real. I've got about 8,000 babies to deliver, 100 residents to train, marriage and 4+ kids, and 2 medical schools to run between me and heaven and I'm going to love the journey on the way to my destination!
II Corinthians 12:9
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for Mystrength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
I think its a disservice that we don't often quote more than just the "His grace is sufficient" part. I love grace.....its tattooed on my leg. I believe grace is so much more than I can think or imagine. If I've thought it grace is more. It gives me such a radical view of who God is because I know my grace runs out. I know things I've done have caused me to want to walk away from myself...much less a perfect and holy God! But He's after me. He's interested in me even when I'm a complete mess. His grace endureth. His grace is everlasting. His grace made a way for me and for you way back before Jesus. When the commandments were given the design for the temple was also given because God knew we'd need a way to atone. He's been making a way, by and through grace, for His people forever. He fulfilled and completed the law by His Son Jesus, who kept the law and then became sin that I might become righteous. Grace is amazing and beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.
What I love in this particular commemorative time in my life, the season of my birth, is that same idea I was talking about earlier. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. His strength being made perfect does't always look the same. Sometimes its being strong enough to alleviate someone else's suffering. Sometimes His strength is saying I need help. Sometimes His strength is forgiving something egregious.
There's grace and strength, both of God, in the same verse.
What I know is that not only His grace sufficient but He's also going to use that which I think is shameful and embarrassing and not worthy and unlikeable and unloveable and intolerable to show forth who He is. In my inability, His ability shines through. In my lack, He is my plenty. In my without, He is my abundance. When I wanted to let go, He held on. In all that I am not, He is. I love that He is.
II Corinthians 12:10
So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [e]in divine strength).
This devotional was born out of my weakness. It came to be because I needed more Jesus and less me. Its a shining example of the fact that He's right here with me, in me, moving me and molding me, making me better by stripping away the walls I've built and exposing me for who I am so I can be who He's called me to be. I'm so grateful for my journey because I wouldn't know me like I do. I'm astounded by the way I know Him because of it. I wouldn't take anything for my journey.
Nothing.
II Corinthians 12:14
Now for the third time I am ready to come to [visit] you. And I will not burden you [financially], for it is not your [money] that I want but you; for children are not duty bound to lay up store for their parents, but parents for their children
Yesterday I had a great conversation about kids and I spoke about how the ministry of parenting is about giving. Much like the ministry of marriage, its about what you can give.
I think this can be about much more. I think more than parents and children are people who don't know and people who do. When I consider what me mentor's given me, its a path....a way of being that yields fruit, makes me more efficient, and draws me closer to God. When I think about what I hope this blog does, its a path....a thought process that will help you consider the small ways and the gigantic ones that God moves in your life. Some say this practice I have means I'm a mature Christian. I'd say I'm in process but if you're someone who considers yourself less religious or you feel you don't have a deep meaningful relationship with God, I hope that my faith practice encourages you. I pray it does every night.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
July 9th
Today is my birthday. This time last year I wasn't sure I'd ever be this age. And yet....here I am.
Look at God!
Last night I asked God to show me some things in the Word. I'm generally behind in my writing so this is slightly our of order but nevertheless. I wanted to talk about what He gave me on my birthday for this year. As is my usual life, Chapter 6 of Galatians is where I was in my daily reading and in that text, I found so many things from Him. Let's go to the Word.
Galatians 6:1
Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.
I ask God point blank how to handle my relationships. I ask about different ones some times. I'm shocked by how that changes them. When I got serious about hearing from Him about my mentor, it got real between me and God. When I moved back to NC, I wasn't trying to hear Him and I almost missed out on the restoration. I love finding verses like this because I've done this work. Now I know where it is scripturally. Knowing something is right on the inside of you and then checking it against the Word? Amazing.
When another relationship with my oldest mentor got hazy, I went to God about it. She's trying to figure out if she can be at my white coat ceremony. I'm continuously in prayer about what I believe to be the most important relationship in my life. This idea in this verse, that those of us that belong to Him have a responsibility to welcome folks back, I feel like its an extension of grace. I'd never thought of that as Biblical but more of a me thing. The truth in that is that the grace God has shown towards me can be extended. I can turn around and say "God is gracious unto me in ways I'll never deserve and despite the fact that you did something that hurt me, I'm going to extend grace to you. Its like a mirror. I just angle the grace God gives me at you. Small pivot... a little physics involved but it works. My friends sometimes think I'm crazy but now I have a Bible verse for that behind! Lots of times, this principle in my life has garnered me deeper, more meaningful, more vulnerable relationships. I'm not saying you can come back in my life and cause destruction because that's not okay. That's the attentive eye part cause I can't have that.
But if you want to do this thing, we can do it.
My only caveat, is I only do things fully.
This is what I'm doing this year. This is what I've done many other years...this is who I am.
Galatians 6:7b, 8b
For whatever a man sows, that and [h]that only is what he will reap.
I want to sow kindness and gentleness and benevolence and love and reverence and grace and mercy and forgiveness and joy. The principle of sowing and reaping is real. Its part of why I am the way I am. I need all those things in my own life from the people I love so how dare I not sow those things into their lives. Those of the things of the Spirit. I sow not out of who I am, but who God is in me.
Galatians 6:9
And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.
Let me tell you this isn't a cake walk. And I love cake...and walks. This isn't that. Doing the right thing is tiring. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Can I tell you its been worth it? I can't believe my mentor is even considering coming for my ceremony but she is. Why? Because I didn't act like the person people around me wanted me to be but out of who God's grown me to be. That growth....years in the making. I love watching my reactions to things be challenged by people saying it couldn't have been them because it isn't me either. Its Him in me doing our thing. Its relationship with Him which makes so much of my life much less crazy.
Now I can't say I've always been this way. I haven't always done the right thing and that's why His grace is so critical in my life. When I was wrong, He didn't withhold my eventual harvest. The blessing I got was still coming even though I behaved like a 3 year old. When I wasn't holding fast to noble action, His favor allowed me to be where I shouldn't have ever had access to. You ever find yourself somewhere you can't believe you are? I do. All those times I wasn't right and He showed up and used me anyway? Yea....that's grace. That's His hand in my life. That's Him being exactly who He said He'd be despite my frail humanity. He still reigns.
Galatians 6:18
The grace (spiritual favor, blessing) of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Anointed One, the Messiah) be with your spirit, brethren. Amen
I pray this is true for you because its the reality I rest in everyday. His grace endureth.
Look at God!
Last night I asked God to show me some things in the Word. I'm generally behind in my writing so this is slightly our of order but nevertheless. I wanted to talk about what He gave me on my birthday for this year. As is my usual life, Chapter 6 of Galatians is where I was in my daily reading and in that text, I found so many things from Him. Let's go to the Word.
Galatians 6:1
Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.
I ask God point blank how to handle my relationships. I ask about different ones some times. I'm shocked by how that changes them. When I got serious about hearing from Him about my mentor, it got real between me and God. When I moved back to NC, I wasn't trying to hear Him and I almost missed out on the restoration. I love finding verses like this because I've done this work. Now I know where it is scripturally. Knowing something is right on the inside of you and then checking it against the Word? Amazing.
When another relationship with my oldest mentor got hazy, I went to God about it. She's trying to figure out if she can be at my white coat ceremony. I'm continuously in prayer about what I believe to be the most important relationship in my life. This idea in this verse, that those of us that belong to Him have a responsibility to welcome folks back, I feel like its an extension of grace. I'd never thought of that as Biblical but more of a me thing. The truth in that is that the grace God has shown towards me can be extended. I can turn around and say "God is gracious unto me in ways I'll never deserve and despite the fact that you did something that hurt me, I'm going to extend grace to you. Its like a mirror. I just angle the grace God gives me at you. Small pivot... a little physics involved but it works. My friends sometimes think I'm crazy but now I have a Bible verse for that behind! Lots of times, this principle in my life has garnered me deeper, more meaningful, more vulnerable relationships. I'm not saying you can come back in my life and cause destruction because that's not okay. That's the attentive eye part cause I can't have that.
But if you want to do this thing, we can do it.
My only caveat, is I only do things fully.
This is what I'm doing this year. This is what I've done many other years...this is who I am.
Galatians 6:7b, 8b
For whatever a man sows, that and [h]that only is what he will reap.
but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.
I want to sow kindness and gentleness and benevolence and love and reverence and grace and mercy and forgiveness and joy. The principle of sowing and reaping is real. Its part of why I am the way I am. I need all those things in my own life from the people I love so how dare I not sow those things into their lives. Those of the things of the Spirit. I sow not out of who I am, but who God is in me.
Galatians 6:9
And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.
Let me tell you this isn't a cake walk. And I love cake...and walks. This isn't that. Doing the right thing is tiring. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Can I tell you its been worth it? I can't believe my mentor is even considering coming for my ceremony but she is. Why? Because I didn't act like the person people around me wanted me to be but out of who God's grown me to be. That growth....years in the making. I love watching my reactions to things be challenged by people saying it couldn't have been them because it isn't me either. Its Him in me doing our thing. Its relationship with Him which makes so much of my life much less crazy.
Now I can't say I've always been this way. I haven't always done the right thing and that's why His grace is so critical in my life. When I was wrong, He didn't withhold my eventual harvest. The blessing I got was still coming even though I behaved like a 3 year old. When I wasn't holding fast to noble action, His favor allowed me to be where I shouldn't have ever had access to. You ever find yourself somewhere you can't believe you are? I do. All those times I wasn't right and He showed up and used me anyway? Yea....that's grace. That's His hand in my life. That's Him being exactly who He said He'd be despite my frail humanity. He still reigns.
Galatians 6:18
The grace (spiritual favor, blessing) of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Anointed One, the Messiah) be with your spirit, brethren. Amen
I pray this is true for you because its the reality I rest in everyday. His grace endureth.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Presence
Its late
really late
I told you I was on my way home when
my pager created a detour in my plan.
"Baby I miss you" scrolled across my phone between surgeries in the AM
our way of saying
"come home and show me I'm yours."
a smile crept across my face
"I miss you too,"
my way of saying
"I'm going to handle you tonight...be ready."
Impatient babies who didn't care that I wanted to make a baby tonight
stat c-section making a family while mine waited at home
shoulders requiring a delicate balance of skill, strength, and partnership between physician and mom created a wonderful teaching moment for residents
but my lesson remained unopened at home
Remnants of a romantic dinner
catered because we both know you
and I chuckle
knowing I'm going to get an earful.
but then....
is that....
I hear something
Standing in the foyer
its faint but its there,
I know exactly what that is....
like I know my name,
like I know your body was made for my devotion.
it's the sound of lovemaking that started without me.
Instantly, I disrobe in my way up the stairs to find you
that masterpiece of flesh and blood
displayed like fine china
across our bed
a rare vision
illuminated by candlelight
unrestrained
untamed
femininity.
As I stand in the doorway I realize
eyes rolled back,
back arched,
you don't see me
oh but sweetheart, I see you.
this is my private show.
thighs abundant and carmel colored
parted and slightly bent
one hand caressing breasts rarely uncovered
the other slides across a landscape I wish I had the skill to paint;
valleys and hills
a belly I find some kind of special
your other hand moves further and further south
already wet with you
and I wonder if I'm really going to get to see this.
Splitting the essence of your sanctuary,
you hone in
a flow of nectar
its genesis a place I know oh so well,
your destination.
Two and then three fingers
curl into the space I find divinity in.
You bring tears to my eyes.
You, this gift from Above doing things ordained by God in this bed.
in our bed.
Another moan escapes your mouth
as I find my thighs are sticking together,
the wetness of you awakening me.
Your body rolls softly and you climb
farther and deeper
hitting spots in you that I've neglected.
I miss those places
and you miss me in them.
Still watching through the door
as your breathing becomes labored,
copious liquid glistens from the center of you.
Bust
home greets my nose
and I realize I can't remain an observer.
"You're beautiful" I say announcing my presence.
Stunned...you look in my general direction without your glasses
"I didn't know when you'd be...." you say as I cross the room
coming into focus
"I'm here now."
As I crawl up the bed
between legs that have fallen together,
placing hands on knees I've forgotten how much I love to part,
tossing my glasses across the room,
my nearsightedness doesn't affect this.
This display of folds and creases,
valleys and hills,
beauty marks stretching across you like a map,
my tongue needs no help finding
the quivering heat of you.
Arms holding you in place,
the weight of them delicious.
The taste of you,
manna.
two
three
four
before my name becomes a string of sounds,
enunciation be damned,
you're singing my favorite song.
I move away from the nucleus of your pleasure
biting the tender insides of your thighs.
Your hands frantically trying to direct me back to the center of you.
I rise up,
laying wet kisses across your waist
finding slopping breasts.
A light sheen to them,
taking each one into my mouth as you grind against the thigh I've placed between yours
Drawing "please" from lips I've still not kissed.
I grasp both of your hands in mine,
placing them above you.
smiling devilishly
as I lower my face towards yours
you raising yours skyward.
Lips and tongues intertwined
the taste of you between us.
Soft, wet, demanding
Your pleasure hangs on a cliff.
Your pelvis moving to find some friction underneath me.
As I move to your neck,
salty with sweat
from effort and lust,
your mind registers
"Feed me"
As I lay on my back I realize you've decided you have other plans
my feet find themselves in nylon and I know
there's more coming.
As I look up at you I see nothing but curves.
The curve of your belly and higher
the underside of your breasts
swaying as you've reach the point the lives past reservation.
you're chasing the release you thought was arriving 45 minutes ago.
Spelling your favorite letters over and over with my tongue,
you erect in my mouth.
Hands grasping the headboard,
mine splayed across your ass,
you desperately wishing I'd stay in one place.
My favorite restaurant that never closes,
the only cooking I'll ever need you to do for me.
You are the best dish I've ever had.
Temperatures rise
as do your hips as they make use of my face.
Sweat pours off your body onto mine,
my favorite rain storm.
As my name dies in your tongue and you grow silent
I don't need words.
The earthquake tearing through your body
finds its origin in my mouth,
sending after shocks into me.
And then you laugh,
the sweetest sound in the world.
Rising up from your perch and looking down at me,
face shiny,
smile wide.
You knew I would be.
I always am after I get my favorite meal
served the way I like.
I look down to find your favorite strap around my waist
"Really babe?"
"Really."
Moving south I catch your nipple in my mouth
eliciting a moan you weren't expecting to give.
You remain and then move to claim your prize.
Slowly,
with all deliberate effort,
you lower yourself onto me.
My hands roam the back of you
my oral fixation satiated by breasts and clavicles,
ear lobes and throat,
up and down
you move only for me to realize
I want to take you there.
Hands clasping the backs of knees
I place you in the position that almost blows my mind.
Thighs pressed back, knees towards ears
hips open
I dip into you.
Teasing at first
but you don't back down
pulling my shoulders and thus my hips
slamming me into you.
One motion telling me you mean to be handled.
Hips swivel and dive,
silently thanking my trainer for all that lower back training,
you demand more.
With greater speed,
more intensity.
My lips find yours.
you duel me for power as you've submitted
gracefully
almost dominantly to me.
I'm blown away by you in this submissive command.
Lowering my hips for leverage,
digging my knees into the bed,
your g-spot within my scope.
With 100% accuracy
wave after wave of fluid spills from you.
I place two fingers between us.
"Baby I can't" I hear you say
"Oh but you will."
We both know your second renders you untouchable,
too sensitive for further exploration
but we're covered in sweat.
In essence from you and me,
where else are we going besides straight into another hurricane?
I continue
and you fight it.
"Let go baby"
and you do.
All over me,
our bed,
your screams echoing off the walls
primal
an endangered species rarely spotted
but tonight she was seen.
She was captured.
She was.
Now like a beautiful sunrise,
legs lay open
engorged
erect tissue
too sensitive to touch,
to majestic to be looked away from,
I wait for your eyes to regain their ability to focus.
We've move from meeting needs
to answering requests.
"May I?" you ask tentatively.
"Shower" I say.
"No" you respond as I find myself on my back
straps unloosening.
You find me on the edge
and tumble me over.
Lips and hands,
tongue broad and tense
lapping at me in ways I didn't realize I desperately needed until now.
My hands find your head,
not because you need direction,
but I need reassurance this is real.
The sounds in this room...
the moans and wetness that slap the walls and sticks,
your name falls like a prayer from my lips
I find such pleasure in pleasing you.
I often forget you find the same in me.
Your name,
one I've been saying in this position,
in this space for years.
You stop and look up at me and I know what you want.
Permission.
Admittance,
and I grant it.
the only person I've ever truly wanted inside me.
I know what's next.
I try to stay still and let you do all the work.
Futile.
Like one being, we move in tandem.
You working magic,
my cheeks wet,
dripping with prayer of thanksgiving.
These are the days and nights I prayed for.
This reality
and then reality slams into me.
Your name hits the ceiling
and floats back to earth as do I....
Her body above me searching my face
"I see you, you know" I say before she lays on top of me.
"Happy birthday baby."
really late
I told you I was on my way home when
my pager created a detour in my plan.
"Baby I miss you" scrolled across my phone between surgeries in the AM
our way of saying
"come home and show me I'm yours."
a smile crept across my face
"I miss you too,"
my way of saying
"I'm going to handle you tonight...be ready."
Impatient babies who didn't care that I wanted to make a baby tonight
stat c-section making a family while mine waited at home
shoulders requiring a delicate balance of skill, strength, and partnership between physician and mom created a wonderful teaching moment for residents
but my lesson remained unopened at home
Remnants of a romantic dinner
catered because we both know you
and I chuckle
knowing I'm going to get an earful.
but then....
is that....
I hear something
Standing in the foyer
its faint but its there,
I know exactly what that is....
like I know my name,
like I know your body was made for my devotion.
it's the sound of lovemaking that started without me.
Instantly, I disrobe in my way up the stairs to find you
that masterpiece of flesh and blood
displayed like fine china
across our bed
a rare vision
illuminated by candlelight
unrestrained
untamed
femininity.
As I stand in the doorway I realize
eyes rolled back,
back arched,
you don't see me
oh but sweetheart, I see you.
this is my private show.
thighs abundant and carmel colored
parted and slightly bent
one hand caressing breasts rarely uncovered
the other slides across a landscape I wish I had the skill to paint;
valleys and hills
a belly I find some kind of special
your other hand moves further and further south
already wet with you
and I wonder if I'm really going to get to see this.
Splitting the essence of your sanctuary,
you hone in
a flow of nectar
its genesis a place I know oh so well,
your destination.
Two and then three fingers
curl into the space I find divinity in.
You bring tears to my eyes.
You, this gift from Above doing things ordained by God in this bed.
in our bed.
Another moan escapes your mouth
as I find my thighs are sticking together,
the wetness of you awakening me.
Your body rolls softly and you climb
farther and deeper
hitting spots in you that I've neglected.
I miss those places
and you miss me in them.
Still watching through the door
as your breathing becomes labored,
copious liquid glistens from the center of you.
Bust
home greets my nose
and I realize I can't remain an observer.
"You're beautiful" I say announcing my presence.
Stunned...you look in my general direction without your glasses
"I didn't know when you'd be...." you say as I cross the room
coming into focus
"I'm here now."
As I crawl up the bed
between legs that have fallen together,
placing hands on knees I've forgotten how much I love to part,
tossing my glasses across the room,
my nearsightedness doesn't affect this.
This display of folds and creases,
valleys and hills,
beauty marks stretching across you like a map,
my tongue needs no help finding
the quivering heat of you.
Arms holding you in place,
the weight of them delicious.
The taste of you,
manna.
two
three
four
before my name becomes a string of sounds,
enunciation be damned,
you're singing my favorite song.
I move away from the nucleus of your pleasure
biting the tender insides of your thighs.
Your hands frantically trying to direct me back to the center of you.
I rise up,
laying wet kisses across your waist
finding slopping breasts.
A light sheen to them,
taking each one into my mouth as you grind against the thigh I've placed between yours
Drawing "please" from lips I've still not kissed.
I grasp both of your hands in mine,
placing them above you.
smiling devilishly
as I lower my face towards yours
you raising yours skyward.
Lips and tongues intertwined
the taste of you between us.
Soft, wet, demanding
Your pleasure hangs on a cliff.
Your pelvis moving to find some friction underneath me.
As I move to your neck,
salty with sweat
from effort and lust,
your mind registers
"Feed me"
As I lay on my back I realize you've decided you have other plans
my feet find themselves in nylon and I know
there's more coming.
As I look up at you I see nothing but curves.
The curve of your belly and higher
the underside of your breasts
swaying as you've reach the point the lives past reservation.
you're chasing the release you thought was arriving 45 minutes ago.
Spelling your favorite letters over and over with my tongue,
you erect in my mouth.
Hands grasping the headboard,
mine splayed across your ass,
you desperately wishing I'd stay in one place.
My favorite restaurant that never closes,
the only cooking I'll ever need you to do for me.
You are the best dish I've ever had.
Temperatures rise
as do your hips as they make use of my face.
Sweat pours off your body onto mine,
my favorite rain storm.
As my name dies in your tongue and you grow silent
I don't need words.
The earthquake tearing through your body
finds its origin in my mouth,
sending after shocks into me.
And then you laugh,
the sweetest sound in the world.
Rising up from your perch and looking down at me,
face shiny,
smile wide.
You knew I would be.
I always am after I get my favorite meal
served the way I like.
I look down to find your favorite strap around my waist
"Really babe?"
"Really."
Moving south I catch your nipple in my mouth
eliciting a moan you weren't expecting to give.
You remain and then move to claim your prize.
Slowly,
with all deliberate effort,
you lower yourself onto me.
My hands roam the back of you
my oral fixation satiated by breasts and clavicles,
ear lobes and throat,
up and down
you move only for me to realize
I want to take you there.
Hands clasping the backs of knees
I place you in the position that almost blows my mind.
Thighs pressed back, knees towards ears
hips open
I dip into you.
Teasing at first
but you don't back down
pulling my shoulders and thus my hips
slamming me into you.
One motion telling me you mean to be handled.
Hips swivel and dive,
silently thanking my trainer for all that lower back training,
you demand more.
With greater speed,
more intensity.
My lips find yours.
you duel me for power as you've submitted
gracefully
almost dominantly to me.
I'm blown away by you in this submissive command.
Lowering my hips for leverage,
digging my knees into the bed,
your g-spot within my scope.
With 100% accuracy
wave after wave of fluid spills from you.
I place two fingers between us.
"Baby I can't" I hear you say
"Oh but you will."
We both know your second renders you untouchable,
too sensitive for further exploration
but we're covered in sweat.
In essence from you and me,
where else are we going besides straight into another hurricane?
I continue
and you fight it.
"Let go baby"
and you do.
All over me,
our bed,
your screams echoing off the walls
primal
an endangered species rarely spotted
but tonight she was seen.
She was captured.
She was.
Now like a beautiful sunrise,
legs lay open
engorged
erect tissue
too sensitive to touch,
to majestic to be looked away from,
I wait for your eyes to regain their ability to focus.
We've move from meeting needs
to answering requests.
"May I?" you ask tentatively.
"Shower" I say.
"No" you respond as I find myself on my back
straps unloosening.
You find me on the edge
and tumble me over.
Lips and hands,
tongue broad and tense
lapping at me in ways I didn't realize I desperately needed until now.
My hands find your head,
not because you need direction,
but I need reassurance this is real.
The sounds in this room...
the moans and wetness that slap the walls and sticks,
your name falls like a prayer from my lips
I find such pleasure in pleasing you.
I often forget you find the same in me.
Your name,
one I've been saying in this position,
in this space for years.
You stop and look up at me and I know what you want.
Permission.
Admittance,
and I grant it.
the only person I've ever truly wanted inside me.
I know what's next.
I try to stay still and let you do all the work.
Futile.
Like one being, we move in tandem.
You working magic,
my cheeks wet,
dripping with prayer of thanksgiving.
These are the days and nights I prayed for.
This reality
and then reality slams into me.
Your name hits the ceiling
and floats back to earth as do I....
Her body above me searching my face
"I see you, you know" I say before she lays on top of me.
"Happy birthday baby."
Inheritance
I was thinking this weekend....
My mentor is a dean.
My mentor's mentor is a dean.
Does that mean my academic inheritance is deanship?
Like whoa..... even that initial line of thought is scary. Can you imagine? I mean I really honestly can't. My life does seem to lend itself to this idea. I wanted to teach....and that's what they did first. And now...they lead.
If it be Thy Will, I'll go.
II Corinthians 11:6
But even if [I am] unskilled in speaking, yet [I am] not [unskilled] in knowledge [I know what I am talking about]; we have made this evident to you in all things.
Really Jesus? There are a few ways I can interpret this.
1. I, Phil, am unskilled but I have or will have the knowledge I need to walk right on into deanship.
2. I, Phil, am unskilled but I have or will have the knowledge, and You God(the We in all of this) are making it evident to me that I will be a dean.
Either way....I smooth clear wasn't looking for this type of confirmation in my life.
Like no. NO.
I was just barely asking myself the question kind of as a joke but now I've got a verse about it?!?!? Ummm.....yea. This is how God does me and I'm just going to let God have His way.
I most definitely am running for a class office though cause apparently leadership is a thing I'm supposed to do.
I basically don't know what to say besides If it be Thy will.
II Corinthians 11:9b
So I kept myself from being burdensome to you in any way, and will continue to keep [myself from being so].
Listen...there's something so powerful about staying in your own business. I mean my God, I just found out I'm going to be a dean apparently in the last verse! I've got plenty of business to attend to. And what I love about God is that because I'm open to Him, I'm constantly hearing about where I'm going to be and what He wants to do with my life and thus being informed about what I need to be doing now. He wants me to be a dean....what does that mean I need to be doing now? He wants me to be a wife....what does that mean I need to be doing now? There are so many areas of my life that I know God has purpose for....that's one thing that grad school teaches you. Keep to yourself, keep your head down, do the work, and one day you''ll be able to show everyone what you've done. I loved that lesson...and I'm trying to exercise it.
II Corinthians 11:11
And why? Because I do not love you [do not have a preference for you, wish you well, and regard your welfare]? God perceives and knows that I do!
If you only knew how profoundly and extraordinarily I love. Ask God about it....apparently He knows!
II Corinthians 11:26-28
My mentor is a dean.
My mentor's mentor is a dean.
Does that mean my academic inheritance is deanship?
Like whoa..... even that initial line of thought is scary. Can you imagine? I mean I really honestly can't. My life does seem to lend itself to this idea. I wanted to teach....and that's what they did first. And now...they lead.
If it be Thy Will, I'll go.
II Corinthians 11:6
But even if [I am] unskilled in speaking, yet [I am] not [unskilled] in knowledge [I know what I am talking about]; we have made this evident to you in all things.
Really Jesus? There are a few ways I can interpret this.
1. I, Phil, am unskilled but I have or will have the knowledge I need to walk right on into deanship.
2. I, Phil, am unskilled but I have or will have the knowledge, and You God(the We in all of this) are making it evident to me that I will be a dean.
Either way....I smooth clear wasn't looking for this type of confirmation in my life.
Like no. NO.
I was just barely asking myself the question kind of as a joke but now I've got a verse about it?!?!? Ummm.....yea. This is how God does me and I'm just going to let God have His way.
I most definitely am running for a class office though cause apparently leadership is a thing I'm supposed to do.
I basically don't know what to say besides If it be Thy will.
II Corinthians 11:9b
So I kept myself from being burdensome to you in any way, and will continue to keep [myself from being so].
Listen...there's something so powerful about staying in your own business. I mean my God, I just found out I'm going to be a dean apparently in the last verse! I've got plenty of business to attend to. And what I love about God is that because I'm open to Him, I'm constantly hearing about where I'm going to be and what He wants to do with my life and thus being informed about what I need to be doing now. He wants me to be a dean....what does that mean I need to be doing now? He wants me to be a wife....what does that mean I need to be doing now? There are so many areas of my life that I know God has purpose for....that's one thing that grad school teaches you. Keep to yourself, keep your head down, do the work, and one day you''ll be able to show everyone what you've done. I loved that lesson...and I'm trying to exercise it.
II Corinthians 11:11
And why? Because I do not love you [do not have a preference for you, wish you well, and regard your welfare]? God perceives and knows that I do!
If you only knew how profoundly and extraordinarily I love. Ask God about it....apparently He knows!
II Corinthians 11:26-28
Many times on journeys, [exposed to] perils from rivers, perils from bandits, perils from [my own] nation, perils from the Gentiles, perils in the city, perils in the desert places, perils in the sea, perils from those posing as believers [but destitute of Christian knowledge and piety];
27 In toil and hardship, watching often [through sleepless nights], in hunger and thirst, frequently driven to fasting by want, in cold and exposure and lack of clothing.
28 And besides those things that are without, there is the daily [inescapable pressure] of my care and anxiety for all the churches!
I feel like everyone has seasons like this. My life is marked by situations and circumstances that weren't idea but God used them. Even the most difficult ones, I thank God for now because I see what He did there. I realize that's not an easy place to get to. It took years for a thing that devastated me to be okay in my spirit.
Years.
Its a journey. I give myself space to do all that work and God allows me to do it with Him. This relationship continues to blow m mind because He created everything and then tossed that little nugget about inheritance in my head and then fed me a scripture about it?!?! Like there are so many more pressing issues but God saw fit to tell me something today. Honestly I'm still reeling from that.
When I think about what God says about the church and about marriage, I realize I could choose to let all these things that haven't come to pass give me anxiety.
Life is messy and complicated. God isn't. I'm going to let Him be my strong tower and my refuge.
I feel like everyone has seasons like this. My life is marked by situations and circumstances that weren't idea but God used them. Even the most difficult ones, I thank God for now because I see what He did there. I realize that's not an easy place to get to. It took years for a thing that devastated me to be okay in my spirit.
Years.
Its a journey. I give myself space to do all that work and God allows me to do it with Him. This relationship continues to blow m mind because He created everything and then tossed that little nugget about inheritance in my head and then fed me a scripture about it?!?! Like there are so many more pressing issues but God saw fit to tell me something today. Honestly I'm still reeling from that.
When I think about what God says about the church and about marriage, I realize I could choose to let all these things that haven't come to pass give me anxiety.
Life is messy and complicated. God isn't. I'm going to let Him be my strong tower and my refuge.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Seasons and Changes
I've always been a person who thinks a whole lot about that future. I've never been a fully present person and I think that has protected me from some harsh realities. I need copious amounts of safe space in my life to leave my dreams and be right here, in this moment. Obviously, I'm good at staying present academically, but emotionally, I'm almost never in the space my body is in. I find it safe to be in the now though. I'm very much in the now when I'm alone. I love being alone. I love the busyness in my kitchen and the quiet reflection of putting together a scrapbook. I love movies and being able to pause them with my space bar and freak out or be embarrassed for the character. I love worshiping God in the middle of my apartment. The now is so much safer for me when its me and Jesus.
II Corinthians 10:4
II Corinthians 10:4
For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,
I don't know about you but I don't do battle with weapons. I've never held a gun or a knife that wasn't for cooking. I took Karate briefly but I'm a lover not a fighter. The biggest battles I've ever had to fight were in my mind and for my mind.
The fight of my life took many people to fight. My mentor told me my thinking was faulty and that I shouldn't trust it. <---Right... she told me not to trust myself. She told me to pick up the phone if I didn't know who I was and she'd tell me. ML told me who I was every time I couldn't remember what about me was valuable and she let me hang out in her house when it honestly wasn't safe for me to be alone. My undergrad still looked up to me even though I was very clearly struggling, offering me the opportunity to excel at something I could control. My best friend let me hang out with her kid who continues to be this bright light in my life. When I told that very same best friend I wasn't sure I'd see 28 if I didn't get into medical school, that's when it got really real. I told her I was going to give it one more medical school cycle. She demanded I tell an adult I trust or she'd tell my parents.
The weapon God used for me was love. It was exactly who He is.
The fight of my life took many people to fight. My mentor told me my thinking was faulty and that I shouldn't trust it. <---Right... she told me not to trust myself. She told me to pick up the phone if I didn't know who I was and she'd tell me. ML told me who I was every time I couldn't remember what about me was valuable and she let me hang out in her house when it honestly wasn't safe for me to be alone. My undergrad still looked up to me even though I was very clearly struggling, offering me the opportunity to excel at something I could control. My best friend let me hang out with her kid who continues to be this bright light in my life. When I told that very same best friend I wasn't sure I'd see 28 if I didn't get into medical school, that's when it got really real. I told her I was going to give it one more medical school cycle. She demanded I tell an adult I trust or she'd tell my parents.
This is who I told....
You want to know why I belong to them? Because they knew. Because I sat in this lady's office every single time I needed to for as long as I needed to. There were days I literally went from her office to my mentor's and back. The reason I had a whole photo shoot with her is because she played a pivotal role in getting me in that robe....and that laugh. I owe K a debt of gratitude for who she's been and how she's let God use her in my life.
Those office in chemistry....that's where I got my stuff worked out. There and Atlanta. I did a whole lot of being in Atlanta just so I wouldn't be alone with myself and when I wasn't there, ML was a text message away. The destruction of my own faulty thinking took many people being where God had them to be, being who they were AND me saying that I was struggling. If my mind hadn't been fought for, by so many people other than me, I'd have lost the most valuable thing I have and I wouldn't be seeing 28 on the 9th.
The weapon God used for me was love. It was exactly who He is.
II Corinthians 10:5
5 [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One),
This is what my mentor taught me. One thing I love about her is that she doesn't necessarily tell you the scripture but she's giving you Biblical advice anyway. She does this all the time to folks and they always think she's so wise but usually its King Solomon or David or Paul or Jesus Himself. Kathy made sure I walked it out. But can I offer you that knowing the truth AND having someone to tell you what it is when you forget is pivotal. Its part of the reason I'm so open. I realize that had I sat in my apartment by myself and let the things that weren't true fester, I'd have been in a world of trouble. Community matters. Its essential. Its also vital to know the Word. My lack of knowledge of the Word was so apparent in that season of my life because I could worship or listen to worship at least but I couldn't speak over myself. I didn't fully know, in the Black and White of the text of God speaking to me, what He actually thought of me. Its one thing to hear someone say God has plans to prosper you and another to read your Bible and let those words wash over your heart....knowing in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. This is God's literal voice speaking to me. If you let John 1:1 sink in and then reflect on the Word with eyes towards grace...it'll move mountains in your life. It did in mine.
II Corinthians 10:17-18
II Corinthians 10:17-18
However, let him who boasts and glories boast and glory in the Lord.
18 For [it is] not [the man] who praises and commends himself who is approved and accepted, but [it is the person] whom the Lord accredits and commends.
If you don't know, now you know. I hope my whole life shouts Jesus! I know He gets the glory out of any story I might tell one day: how I got into grad school, how I moved across the country, how I lived through the near destruction of my mind, how He changed my heart towards Howard, and that I'm here now. Writing this blog about who God has been to me and for me. I know God smiles at me sometimes....I can feel it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)