What's Your Heart Say?

I wanted to linger on a thought. Its a critical piece of one of my most prized relationships. Yes, of course there's trust and mutual respect, honor and appreciation but those things are important for relationship to exist in general. One of the things that really makes this particular relationship what it is is that she can tell me really hard things that are good for me AND I trust her in that. When I say really hard things....I mean stop you in your tracks hard. I mean she prefaces her statements with "This is going to sound hard...." To trust someone who can literally take your breath away....like what they're offering you as a concept is that unfathomable AND you're going to do it? That's not regular trust.

Not only do I trust what she says, but I trust the actions she offers me because I know ultimately they are for my good.  When my feelings makes things complicated for me, she makes sure I don't follow them. My pride didn't want to let me hear what my committee was saying when they said I was "cavalier" but she picked that up and was like "No girl, they're saying no PhD. This is how you get them to change their opinion of it and it won't be easy." When I told her that how I felt about Howard she said "Let me ask you this. That's not just your feeling about Howard, that's your answer to prayer about Howard." She wanted to make sure the feeling wasn't the driver but that my relationship with God and prayer steers me. She holds my feet to the fire and asks me hard questions and demands data. She expects results. Having her is special.

My relationship with my mentor is this little glimpse of my relationship with God. God asks me to do hard things all the time. God hits me with hard truths and concepts I've never considered. Grace that is sufficient for all things? Love that forgives AND forgets? Mercy that endures? When you actually meditate on what that means its amazing. I remember the first time my mentor told me "You can show up in my office or on my phone any way you want because I'm going to love you anyway. You can't do that with everyone." I thought that was so special but can I tell you showing up before the Creator of all things any type of way is a privilege that most don't realize is theres to have. I love that God loves me in the middle of my mess. In the middle of my dirt, my sinfulness, my thoughtlessness, my selfishness, my unforgiveness, my impatience, my lack of followthrough....In the center of my humanity, knowing exactly who I am and who I would be He still say "yes" to the cross. He still hung His head and died for this person. That's radical, life altering and sustaining love.

I don't know if you've tried to love anyone like that but I have. It nearly killed me emotionally. It required more than I was capable of giving and even when I went back to the source of all things, His love still had to come through my flesh and I couldn't handle it. That type of radical, sacrificial love is a God thing. We can love radically and sacrificially but not continuous. God's love is unchanging and unchangeable. He can sustain that level of love. God is.

II Corinthians 9:5-7

That is why I thought it necessary to urge these brethren to go to you before I do and make arrangements in advance for this bountiful, promised gift of yours, so that it may be ready, not as an extortion [wrung out of you] but as a generous and willing gift.

[Remember] this: he who sows sparingly and grudgingly will also reap sparingly and grudgingly, and he who sows generously [[a]that blessings may come to someone] will also reap generously and with blessings.

7 Let each one [give] as he has made up his own mind and purposed in his heart, not reluctantly or sorrowfully or under compulsion, for God loves (He [b]takes pleasure in, prizes above other things, and is unwilling to abandon or to do without) a cheerful (joyous, “prompt to do it”) giver [whose heart is in his giving].

To give a gift there has to be preparation. Gift giving happens to be my specialty. When I want to give a significant gift, I've prepared for it. I think the financial part is important....I'm not cheap because I honestly thing how I spend the money I worked hard to make is a demonstration of your importance to me. In addition to the gift, I'm also a writer of letters. There are reasons behind what I got you. I've thought a great deal about what I got you and what it means to me and what I want it to mean to you. It can take me months to get together a birthday present. Don't mess around and be the object of my affection because I love extravagance and since I'm poor, that means lots of planning.

What I think Paul is getting at here is that, gift giving and giving in general shouldn't be something required or requested of you but something you do intrinsically. I know it is for me. My heart is to give. My heart is also to serve. I know what it feels like to give without intrinsic desire. It doesn't feel good and its downright uncomfortable. I give out of the overflow of how I feel towards people. As a result, people who hurt me don't always get the best of me. God's working on me in that because I know that my forgiveness shouldn't come with a long list of me remembering all the times you've wronged me but when my psyche bears scars due to our relationship, its hard for me to give to you.

Giving, by its very nature, should be something you want to do. If you don't want to do it, its still called giving but I thin motivation matters. God is interested in our hearts so intention is critical. Paul is speaking to that here. What is your intention? What's behind the gift? What's your heart saying?

II Corinthians 9:10

And [God] Who provides seed for the sower and bread for eating will also provide and multiply your [resources for] sowing and increase the fruits of your righteousness [[e]which manifests itself in active goodness, kindness, and charity].

So God's going to grow my ability to give to people that have hurt me? Okay cool. I've got a whole heap of those and unfortunately, they often see how I treat those who haven't offended or damaged me and compare. That comparison is never good for those who haven't always loved me appropriately.
Help me to continue to have healthy boundaries, Father, that I might not suffer internally from things that are external and not of you. Be with me, ever present, reminding me of who I am in you as I endeavor to be more like you. Maintain the people in my life who pour into me as I pour out.

II Corinthians 9:14

 And they yearn for you while they pray for you, because of the surpassing measure of God’s grace (His favor and mercy and spiritual blessing which is shown forth) in you.

I hope I'm the kind of person that does this....that's so grace filled that people want to be around me. I hope to be that kind of physician. I've been told I'm that kind of mentee and that kind of mentor. Nothing warms my heart like hearing "I talk to you soon" from the busiest person I know. What I can take to the bank though, is this nightly ritual where I get on my knees and get my stuff handled. I hope the blessings in my life attract people to Christ. I pray Ge uses me like that. Its so humbling to be in the place. I've been there and its indescribable. I love my God. He's up to something and its for my good!