Accounted For

I had to show up for myself recently in a way I never thought I'd have to. I'm not very good at showing up for myself. I can be great for you or on a team even, but I generally don't do it for myself. I know this isn't always the best characteristic but I've been told I'm giving to a fault. My mentor says I care about people in a way this extraordinary. I know these things are true about me but the bad part for me is keeping that in check. I don't have a brake on caring or giving. Now this isn't always an issue. I've very selective with both giving and caring but I need people around me to say "Hey, looks like you're not in a good place" or as I found recently, I can do that for myself if I give myself enough time to process what's actually going on.

I give things I actually need to function. That's not good and moreover, its not healthy.  My mentor was the first person to identify in me the fact that I'm over responsible. I'm so busy making sure everyone else is okay that I'm not taking care of my own stuff. And for me in this space, its made me take on things that don't have my name on them and aren't actually mine to handle. Meanwhile, what I'm going to need to be doing is going to require considerable effort, so I need to stay in this recovery ice bath as opposed to thinking I can play the full 80 minutes. In some ways, I've relied on my relationship with God to be my medic on the sidelines. I go into the game, play passionately, get banged up, come off and get patched up by God, and go back in. Its the "go back in" that isn't always necessary. Sometimes, you need to sit out that game. Sometimes I need to be at peace with having played 55 minutes and let this ice bath do its job. What showing up for myself means is saying "no, actually I can't keep doing that. I'm going to stop getting into situations that bang me up and hurt me and chill."  I recently embarked on a journey of saying no to something I thought I had to do in a certain way that made me anxious at best and felt like torture more than 50% of the time. Its been good for me.

What I love about God in this is that, I can trust Him to be strong in my weakness. I can't handle it so I've got to know Him and believe on Him that whatever He wants to come to pass is coming to pass without requiring me to sacrifice my feelings or my peace. God doesn't need me to allow pain in my life to get to where He wants me to be. If He wants me to be there, I will be. Its that simple. And if He doesn't, I trust Him enough to say that whatever He does do, it'll be the best thing for me. 

II Corinthians 13:4

For though He was crucified in weakness, yet He goes on living by the power of God. And though we too are weak in Him [as He was humanly weak], yet in dealing with you [we shall show ourselves] alive and strong in [fellowship with] Him by the power of God

This is one of those things I love in scripture that I was just talking about. I'm not able. I'm just not. I mean I am. Let me clarify that. I could do it, but it costs me something every time. There are a lot of things I could do but the question is first "Is this good or bad for me?" and after that if its good, "Is this good or great for me?" Time is going to be very limited very soon. If its not a great thing for me, I don't have time for it.  I could do it, but it needs to be the right thing. Moreover, I've seen how things that I actually can't do, get done through Him. Stuff I really needed to take care of, got done because Jesus. Knowing He's got me like that....amazing.

When I look up from my perch, I see a book on the wall that I wrote. Like how is that a thing? Jesus is how. 

When I look through my scrapbook of me and CJ and see how God made space for me to really walk out that stay at home mom life at a time when I needed a dose of that? I'm humbled by the opportunity. 

When I see the emails sent on my behalf to be eligible to graduate without a publication due to patent stuff? Nothing but God's favor. 

II Corinthians 13:8

For we can do nothing against the Truth [[c]not serve any party or personal interest], but only for the Truth [[d]which is the Gospel].

This is standing in the sun for me. Owning my truth and walking in it is so empowering to me. Walking around my house and seeing images and affirm who I am...its great. Truth and the desire for it are deeply built into who I am because of who He is in me. Its why some things are so difficult for me. I can't show up knowing what I know and acting like I don't. Its a beautiful and difficult part of my relationship with God. Its great because it agrees with my insides. The things that settle me are steeped in truth and I can find peace way before a thing comes to pass. The hard part of that is that when a thing hasn't come to pass, knowing it will and not having it is the familiar journey of waiting. Waiting on God is many things: beautiful, inspiring, arduous, difficult, hopeful. It is in the waiting that my relationship with Him has been profoundly altered for the better. He grows me in the waiting.

II Corinthians 13:11,14

Finally, brethren, farewell (rejoice)! Be strengthened (perfected, completed, made what you ought to be); be encouraged and consoled and comforted; be of the same [agreeable] mind one with another; live in peace, and [then] the God of love [Who is the Source of affection, goodwill, love, and benevolence toward men] and the Author and Promoter of peace will be with you.

The grace (favor and spiritual blessing) of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the presence and fellowship (the communion and sharing together, and participation) in the Holy Spirit be with you all. Amen (so be it).

Paul says this...and I didn't know I'd be writing this today but I feel the same way.

Be strong, be encouraged, and be comforted. I need to do this for me because I have to take care of me with at least the same tenacity that I care for you with. We understand each other and we seek the best for each other. Even when those things don't give us what we want, we seek the best for each other. I'm praying for you. You'll always have a piece of my heart. I hope you have peace and the God is ever present with you. May His grace continue to blanket every corner of your life and be your refuge. I love you.