"Cava?" B said to me when I walked into her office.
Yea yea sure but I have to go to this panel I said back.
Yesterday was pretty great. Got to see my bestie who moved to Philly like a dumb ass. Thankfully before he left, he took me to his church which I continue to attend, got baptized at, and will probably get married by my pastor. That was a pretty sweet parting gift.
I also got to see the girl I like. She looked really cute. I had to be on my P's and Q's since she was wearing this low cut shirt. Nevertheless, it was nice to see her.
And then B. Well first there was Deb Deb.
We had curriculum committee meeting and my faculty advisor Terry wanted me to present our report. That was interesting. One misunderstanding was ok but when the pharmacology faculty got pissed that I suggested that we not move Autonomic Pharmacology from the course its in to the course I was evaluating. It got real. I'll be honest, I wanted Terry to save me. And I probably said his name like 5 times. He was all "you got this" and it turned out fine but they came for me.
What's the reasoning?
It belongs in that course.
That's a pretty harsh recommendation. Where's the open-mindedness?
And you know what my argument was? The difficulty of the material isn't going to change because you move it from one course to another. We already recommended to move it within the course its currently in to give students more time to study the material. How about you actually try that and do some faculty development with those teaching that material?
I gave that recommendation last meeting. See, that's the nice thing about the way I work. I will have evaluated an entire year's worth of medical school curriculum by the end of the year. Terry and I have surgery, OB, and internal medicine clerkships to evaluate to the tune of 32 weeks of medical school curriculum in addition to the fact that I evaluated OS 1, 2, and 3 which is 6 weeks short of the first semester of 2nd year. I know these courses. Don't come for me!
Nevertheless, at that point everyone wanted to start addressing me as "Dr." I thought that was funny too. So you mad and now its no longer my first name and we're going formal? See that's why I call the folks I like by their first name. If I like you, you get a nickname or first name.
That was quite the fiery discussion but I held my ground. I honestly felt like Terry was making this into a mini surgical grand rounds situation but its cool. I like him...thus Terry.
Then I went and hung out with B. Always a good time. I always learn something. I pulled the images for these two research projects while she got hammered by the ER. I stayed until about 11. When I got ready to leave she said to me "You're perfect. Thank you so much."
You know....if you'd told me I'd have this again, this kind of working relationship with a faculty member I wouldn't have believed you. Isn't God amazing? To think that Leks actually introduced me to the person who would end up being the way I got over is nothing short of God.
I still don't know where that situation with her will go. She wrote me a letter for an away rotation but I haven't been able to talk to her. Really talk to her. I gotta figure out a way to get that done.
But I love that I'm here. I love that even though I know I'm not perfect, I know B wants me around. She does a lot of things that make me feel safe in a mentoring relationship again and that's invaluable. Honestly same thing is true for Terry. Do you know that I asked him if he'd write me a letter for residency and he said "You know I'd be offended if you hadn't asked me."
Where did B and Terry come from?
I'll tell you.
Howard University College of Medicine Class of '83.
That's where.
PS. Terry doesn't really want me to leave because he's worried I won't come back. I told him that when Deb Deb calls and asks me to be her Associate Dean of Academic Affairs, I'll be on the next thing smoking back to HUCM.
And I meant that.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Betrayal is a B*******
The Text
Matthew 26: 14-16, 21-25
Betrayal is hurtful and deeply painful. One cannot truly understand the power of Jesus's sacrifice and death without understanding the betrayal that led there.
1 Corinthians 11:23-24
On the night he was betrayed, he took the bread, and when he had given thanks and broke it....
Many people frame significant moments in their lives as happening before and after betrayal.
We live our lives with great caution and we trust less and have faith in others less all because of this one moment when we felt unimaginable pain.
"Stab the body and it heals. Injure the heart and the wound last a lifetime." Iwasaki
The source of betrayal makes it so bad. Jesus wasn't betrayed by someone he didn't know but by someone in his inner circle.
Psalm 55:12-14
If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.
Its one thing to have someone stab you in the back but its another thing to have someone you trust stab you.
From your circle of companions and confidantes...that makes it a festering wound.
Let me go ahead and interject here! This was and continues to be my issue with my mentor. When she made the decisions she made, she did so with disregard for the relationship we'd established. She was inner circle. She was innermost inner circle. I still love her dearly. I still want to know why.
The turning point...I'll write about later :-)
Stop thinking about what Judas did to us and think more about what he does for us.
The victory is when you reach a point where you stop obsessing about what they did to you and start meditating on what they did for us.
Genesis 50 where Joseph confronts his brothers about selling him into slavery. Joseph says something in 50:19
"Do not be afraid. What you meant to harm me, God meant it for my good."
Joseph was saying if he had never been through all he went through, he wouldn't be where he is today.
What happened doesn't have to destroy us but it can develop us.
As bad as Judas's betrayal was, it was key to positioning Jesus to fulfill his purpose on earth.
Jesus never would have been whipped and we never would have been healed by His stripes.
Had he never born the cross
He never would have going to Calvary
They never would have nailed Him to a cross.
He never would have worn a crown of thorns and pierced His side and we wouldn't be washed in the blood of the lamb.
He never would have cried out Father they know not what they do.
He never would have given up the ghost and died
and He never would have gone to a tomb and went to hell.
He never would have snatched the keys from the devil and made everlasting life with God possible.
He never would have stayed in the tomb to rise on the third day.
Salvation hinges on Judas's betrayal.
We never would have been saved or healed today without the betrayal.
When you realize that, you'll be able to look back and conclude that the betrayal was a blessing.
That's what the B is in the title...its for blessing. ;-)
This story invites us to explore betrayal.
Betrayal causes you to exercise parts of you you might never have seen if you hadn't been betrayed.
People are often hung up on the way it happened but that person might have had the courage to do for you what you couldn't do for yourself.
It might have happened to awaken you.
You would have remained in a situation without being betrayed.
It had to happen.
IF it hadn't happen, you'd still be trying to talk yourself into why you should stay. You kept putting up with mess because you thought you needed that.
The betrayal is the blessing because it woke you up to what you needed to see.
You've got to reach a point where you spend more time reflecting on what they did for you and NOT to you.
As painful and devastating as my experience with my ex was, I wouldn't be here without her. Had I not loved her so deeply I'm not sure I would have even realized that I'm actually gay much less have told everyone in my life. I'm so glad I've released her to be her best self and I can actually be mine and put that energy in the direction of someone who deserves it.
In the story of the last supper, Jesus has bigger things to do than obsess about little people. He doesn't nag Judas, tell anyone about it, or calls anyone. He accepts the fact that he's not beyond being betrayed. If he's the Son of God and it happened to him, it can happen to you!
As long as imperfection graces the earth, betrayal will exist. Jesus doesn't dwell on the betrayal. He stays focused on purpose.
This is something I struggle with. There was clearly still purpose to be fulfilled in my life but I couldn't see that at all. I mean my goodness a perfect (for me) girl showed up in my life wanting to do all the things I wanted with my ex and I wasn't able to accept that because the betrayal I'd experienced was all I could think about. That and convincing myself to stay committed to someone who wasn't committed to me because of things I'd promised God. Let me tell you something! I won't be promising God anything about another person until I'm ready to say "forsaking all others I choose her." That's the standard God's given me and that's the only promise I'm making.
Some of us can't see the blessing because you can't understand how they could be so cruel and inconsiderate.
This is me. This is always me. I always take it back to "What's wrong with me that they would treat me this way?" What I'm working on is believing that its not about me. One of my advisors said this to me about the situation with my mentor. He was like ain't nothing wrong with you. You got too many people around you who believe in you for you to let what this one person did be the whole definition of what you believe to be true about you. Can I tell you I needed to hear that. That really spoke to my life in a profound way.
You have to shift your focus from the betrayer to the Blesser. I was devoting far too much time on the wrong people and things and was missing the lesson.
Don't let it keep you from giving God the glory He's supposed to get.
Sometimes God places the betrayer in your life.
Jesus prayed that God would send him folks that would help him fulfill his assignment. When he came out of prayer he chose 12 and Judas was one of the 12. Jesus needed Judas to fulfill his assignment. <-- Don't miss that!
It doesn't necessarily mean we made a bad choice or wasted our time. It doesn't mean you were stupid for trusting them or by being intimate with them.
It means that in God's perfect plan, theres a lesson God wants you to get.
Sometimes the lesson is "don't be so needy for attention that you put up with things that are inconsistent with your values and dreams and standards." <-- Things I purpose to never do again in my romantic life!
Sometimes the lesson is, in order to function at your next level, you'll have to wake up.
Of note, the people who hurt us, showed us their character early on in the relationship.
They showed you early on that they were unreliable, had a truth problem, they showed us but we didn't believe them. My ex showed me that she was selfish, self centered, and not thoughtful and I was capable of loving her through that but the indications were there.
There are some people who are past their expiration date but we don't want to end it because we've invested something.
I love you, but if we aren't going in the same direction, I'll love you from across town. <--Hey girl!
Maybe the betrayal is designed to get you to clarify what's most important for you. It'll wake you to a source of dissatisfaction that you've ben tolerating but you don't need that in the next season of your life.
Now this is a moment. I've been tolerating being friends with someone who fundamentally doesn't believe my marriage will be equal to hers because I'll be married to someone of the same sex. She finally did something that crossed way too many boundaries for my liking and I've put her on ice. Does she need to make a exist out of my life? I'm not sure but I do know that in my next season wherein I'll hopefully be finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, there won't be space for folks who don't support that relationship enthusiastically and wholeheartedly. Moreover, even if I'm single, not supporting who I am is a fundamental issue that has no compromise possibility. So you either get all of me or none. Pick one sis.
What is God trying to protect you from?
What opportunity is He trying to give you?
What harm is God keeping you from?
If you could get out of God's way and your own way with these feelings, you'd be able to understand the blessing in the betrayal and then....you'll be free.
Let me tell you about my blessing.
Her name's BD.
And I know I wouldn't have made it through third year without BD.
She's faculty and she's always on my team.
I'm going to tell this story at my faculty mentoring workshop but I literally walked to BD's door to ask her if she'd heard anything I needed to know about and the rest is history. I was a mess. My eyes were puffy, my confidence was shot, and I wouldn't make eye contact with her. Bonnie had met me prior to this and this wasn't me and she knew it.
BD looked at me and I think she really saw me. She saw something. Then she said "Look at this CT. What do you see?"
And she kept doing that. I could come to her office anytime I was a mess and she'd give me radiology to do. Eventually we talked about it but we don't really anymore. We have this relationship that has nothing to do with my initial personal devastation.
We went to brunch yesterday with her sister and niece.
She's amazing.
But having a mentor requires work on both sides of the relationship. Its not like there aren't things I do that I don't love because she's my mentor. I'm not a GI person but I'm on a GI abstract because she needed help one day and I'm still a PhD.
And she knows how devastating that situation was. I love that because it makes me feel safe. Also...she was PISSED when she found out why I'd been crying for weeks at that point.
That felt good.
Most of the way the betrayer is acting without you is fake anyway. You need to focus on the blessing God has for you in this situation.
This I also know for a fact and I'll leave it at that.
On the other side of judgement and condemnation is grace and mercy. You probably couldn't see that before but its there. I love living in grace and mercy.
The Bible says all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called. I know I'm called so I know all things. The hardest part is remembering that its ALL.
All things not some things!
So that thing that damn near killed me....its a thing thats working together for my good.
Matthew 26: 14-16, 21-25
Betrayal is hurtful and deeply painful. One cannot truly understand the power of Jesus's sacrifice and death without understanding the betrayal that led there.
1 Corinthians 11:23-24
On the night he was betrayed, he took the bread, and when he had given thanks and broke it....
Many people frame significant moments in their lives as happening before and after betrayal.
We live our lives with great caution and we trust less and have faith in others less all because of this one moment when we felt unimaginable pain.
"Stab the body and it heals. Injure the heart and the wound last a lifetime." Iwasaki
The source of betrayal makes it so bad. Jesus wasn't betrayed by someone he didn't know but by someone in his inner circle.
Psalm 55:12-14
If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.
Its one thing to have someone stab you in the back but its another thing to have someone you trust stab you.
From your circle of companions and confidantes...that makes it a festering wound.
Let me go ahead and interject here! This was and continues to be my issue with my mentor. When she made the decisions she made, she did so with disregard for the relationship we'd established. She was inner circle. She was innermost inner circle. I still love her dearly. I still want to know why.
The turning point...I'll write about later :-)
Stop thinking about what Judas did to us and think more about what he does for us.
The victory is when you reach a point where you stop obsessing about what they did to you and start meditating on what they did for us.
Genesis 50 where Joseph confronts his brothers about selling him into slavery. Joseph says something in 50:19
"Do not be afraid. What you meant to harm me, God meant it for my good."
Joseph was saying if he had never been through all he went through, he wouldn't be where he is today.
What happened doesn't have to destroy us but it can develop us.
As bad as Judas's betrayal was, it was key to positioning Jesus to fulfill his purpose on earth.
Jesus never would have been whipped and we never would have been healed by His stripes.
Had he never born the cross
He never would have going to Calvary
They never would have nailed Him to a cross.
He never would have worn a crown of thorns and pierced His side and we wouldn't be washed in the blood of the lamb.
He never would have cried out Father they know not what they do.
He never would have given up the ghost and died
and He never would have gone to a tomb and went to hell.
He never would have snatched the keys from the devil and made everlasting life with God possible.
He never would have stayed in the tomb to rise on the third day.
Salvation hinges on Judas's betrayal.
We never would have been saved or healed today without the betrayal.
When you realize that, you'll be able to look back and conclude that the betrayal was a blessing.
That's what the B is in the title...its for blessing. ;-)
This story invites us to explore betrayal.
Betrayal causes you to exercise parts of you you might never have seen if you hadn't been betrayed.
People are often hung up on the way it happened but that person might have had the courage to do for you what you couldn't do for yourself.
It might have happened to awaken you.
You would have remained in a situation without being betrayed.
It had to happen.
IF it hadn't happen, you'd still be trying to talk yourself into why you should stay. You kept putting up with mess because you thought you needed that.
The betrayal is the blessing because it woke you up to what you needed to see.
You've got to reach a point where you spend more time reflecting on what they did for you and NOT to you.
As painful and devastating as my experience with my ex was, I wouldn't be here without her. Had I not loved her so deeply I'm not sure I would have even realized that I'm actually gay much less have told everyone in my life. I'm so glad I've released her to be her best self and I can actually be mine and put that energy in the direction of someone who deserves it.
In the story of the last supper, Jesus has bigger things to do than obsess about little people. He doesn't nag Judas, tell anyone about it, or calls anyone. He accepts the fact that he's not beyond being betrayed. If he's the Son of God and it happened to him, it can happen to you!
As long as imperfection graces the earth, betrayal will exist. Jesus doesn't dwell on the betrayal. He stays focused on purpose.
This is something I struggle with. There was clearly still purpose to be fulfilled in my life but I couldn't see that at all. I mean my goodness a perfect (for me) girl showed up in my life wanting to do all the things I wanted with my ex and I wasn't able to accept that because the betrayal I'd experienced was all I could think about. That and convincing myself to stay committed to someone who wasn't committed to me because of things I'd promised God. Let me tell you something! I won't be promising God anything about another person until I'm ready to say "forsaking all others I choose her." That's the standard God's given me and that's the only promise I'm making.
Some of us can't see the blessing because you can't understand how they could be so cruel and inconsiderate.
This is me. This is always me. I always take it back to "What's wrong with me that they would treat me this way?" What I'm working on is believing that its not about me. One of my advisors said this to me about the situation with my mentor. He was like ain't nothing wrong with you. You got too many people around you who believe in you for you to let what this one person did be the whole definition of what you believe to be true about you. Can I tell you I needed to hear that. That really spoke to my life in a profound way.
You have to shift your focus from the betrayer to the Blesser. I was devoting far too much time on the wrong people and things and was missing the lesson.
Don't let it keep you from giving God the glory He's supposed to get.
Sometimes God places the betrayer in your life.
Jesus prayed that God would send him folks that would help him fulfill his assignment. When he came out of prayer he chose 12 and Judas was one of the 12. Jesus needed Judas to fulfill his assignment. <-- Don't miss that!
It doesn't necessarily mean we made a bad choice or wasted our time. It doesn't mean you were stupid for trusting them or by being intimate with them.
It means that in God's perfect plan, theres a lesson God wants you to get.
Sometimes the lesson is "don't be so needy for attention that you put up with things that are inconsistent with your values and dreams and standards." <-- Things I purpose to never do again in my romantic life!
Sometimes the lesson is, in order to function at your next level, you'll have to wake up.
Of note, the people who hurt us, showed us their character early on in the relationship.
They showed you early on that they were unreliable, had a truth problem, they showed us but we didn't believe them. My ex showed me that she was selfish, self centered, and not thoughtful and I was capable of loving her through that but the indications were there.
There are some people who are past their expiration date but we don't want to end it because we've invested something.
I love you, but if we aren't going in the same direction, I'll love you from across town. <--Hey girl!
Maybe the betrayal is designed to get you to clarify what's most important for you. It'll wake you to a source of dissatisfaction that you've ben tolerating but you don't need that in the next season of your life.
Now this is a moment. I've been tolerating being friends with someone who fundamentally doesn't believe my marriage will be equal to hers because I'll be married to someone of the same sex. She finally did something that crossed way too many boundaries for my liking and I've put her on ice. Does she need to make a exist out of my life? I'm not sure but I do know that in my next season wherein I'll hopefully be finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, there won't be space for folks who don't support that relationship enthusiastically and wholeheartedly. Moreover, even if I'm single, not supporting who I am is a fundamental issue that has no compromise possibility. So you either get all of me or none. Pick one sis.
What is God trying to protect you from?
What opportunity is He trying to give you?
What harm is God keeping you from?
If you could get out of God's way and your own way with these feelings, you'd be able to understand the blessing in the betrayal and then....you'll be free.
Let me tell you about my blessing.
Her name's BD.
And I know I wouldn't have made it through third year without BD.
She's faculty and she's always on my team.
I'm going to tell this story at my faculty mentoring workshop but I literally walked to BD's door to ask her if she'd heard anything I needed to know about and the rest is history. I was a mess. My eyes were puffy, my confidence was shot, and I wouldn't make eye contact with her. Bonnie had met me prior to this and this wasn't me and she knew it.
BD looked at me and I think she really saw me. She saw something. Then she said "Look at this CT. What do you see?"
And she kept doing that. I could come to her office anytime I was a mess and she'd give me radiology to do. Eventually we talked about it but we don't really anymore. We have this relationship that has nothing to do with my initial personal devastation.
We went to brunch yesterday with her sister and niece.
She's amazing.
But having a mentor requires work on both sides of the relationship. Its not like there aren't things I do that I don't love because she's my mentor. I'm not a GI person but I'm on a GI abstract because she needed help one day and I'm still a PhD.
And she knows how devastating that situation was. I love that because it makes me feel safe. Also...she was PISSED when she found out why I'd been crying for weeks at that point.
That felt good.
Most of the way the betrayer is acting without you is fake anyway. You need to focus on the blessing God has for you in this situation.
This I also know for a fact and I'll leave it at that.
On the other side of judgement and condemnation is grace and mercy. You probably couldn't see that before but its there. I love living in grace and mercy.
The Bible says all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called. I know I'm called so I know all things. The hardest part is remembering that its ALL.
All things not some things!
So that thing that damn near killed me....its a thing thats working together for my good.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Good days
And then to follow up the next day with spending time with one of my mentors both in the hospital doing incredibly interesting cases and really doing systems based education
and then brunch with her family
Friday and Saturday have done so much to fill up my tank.
Such good good days.
and then brunch with her family
Friday and Saturday have done so much to fill up my tank.
Such good good days.
Women in Power
So we started the evening off with me reading the bios of these baddies which took quite a while. I opened the floor with a question about disadvantages and adversities they faced as women studying medicine and they ran with it.
Dean M talked about how she became a physician after being a nurse and had studied at Columbia encountering bias associated with both being a nurse and one of 4 Black people out of 150. A visiting student from Howard told her she needed to come down after med school and she did just that. She talked about things I think we take for granted: the nurturing, the seeing Black faces everywhere you turn. I know that that's something I don't take for granted because there's no way I'd have the face time with Deans that I have at any other place. For goodness sakes, I went to brunch with an attending mentor today. Howard is insane and lovely and amazing. Its infuriating but I love the mess out of my med school....and I'm committed to making it better.
Dean F...my goodness. Firstly, she was valedictorian of her medical school class. The woman is dumb smart. So she was in something called a pyramid program for surgery. This is how all surgery programs use to be structured which was that they admitted 17 interns to Howard's surgery program and only 6 graduated as chief residents and surgeons.
You want to talk about BRUTAL!?!?!?
When people talk about how tough she is as a person I just want to point them back to the fact that she trained as a surgeon in a program where only 1 in 3 of them actually became a surgeon. AND she got pregnant in her 4th year which is a year before final cuts are made down to the lucky 6 and they still wanted her because she worked her behind off!
That lady......She sees things in me I never saw in myself.
She's incredible and to be honest, I'm better for feeling like I have to impress her.
Dean J got pregnant her first year of residency. Instead of quitting because her husband was an attending ophthalmologist, she spent her entire pay check on a nanny so she could complete her residency. That's dedication. She didn't have a financial incentive to do the work but she loved it. And she's a damn good pediatrician and neonatologist by the way.
They talked about not shying away from ambition and outsourcing things that can be outsourced so you can actually be a fantastic mother and physician and not a fantastic physician, housekeeper, and cook. I thought that was immensely valuable advice. Moreover, Dean J talked about how important picking a supportive spouse is. She said her and her husband agreed patients over everything and they stick to it. Her patients or his, patients first. And they had many really tough conversations about that stuff early on to make sure that this was going to work.
Dean F talked about imposter syndrome which is something we all suffer from. She went on to discuss wanting to be a dean and being promised a deanship and how it didn't seem to be happening so she started to withdraw. Her husband was like "Ummmm since when have you ever backed off of anything. Go get your stuff girl!" She went on to make the "necessary changes" to become dean. (Let me go ahead and say I call BS. They said my girl was tough but hello PYRAMID surgery residency. She wasn't especially tough....she was necessarily tough and I'd say everyone else was probably just as tough but they had penises -______-)
Never the less she's dean now she she's killing it.
Dean M talked about taking time for yourself which I do all the damn time as this hair won't do itself and I got a girl for these toes. I pride myself on having my toes done at all times so I slide in to see my girl post call or not every two weeks. She talked about how we are going to be judge on appearance post call or not and I can relate.
It took one comment from my mentor for me to change up my entire wardrobe. Dresses in...sweats out.
I gave them a case and Dean F's response was classic her. The case was "You walk in a room and everyone is being addressed as Dr except you. They're calling you by your first name. What do you do?"
Dean F....my my my. She was like "That doesn't happen to me. If you call me Ms. F I'll correct you. Its Dr. F." She went on to say that surgical culture is Dr. at all times and the only people who do that are often patients waking up after she's operated on them and she just gets them right together. She was like its completely disrespectful to address a person you don't know by their first name. She doesn't address folks she really really knows by their first name publicly if they are an MD. I can attest to that because she never calls me Ms. Its Dr. W or my first name.
I appreciate that too because I ain't been a Ms since November 19, 2014 when I successfully defended my PhD. I got PhD bars tattooed on my body so there's no forgetting that one!
Dean M talked about having to take other women aside and say "Now which of these degrees is unclear to you?" because receptionists would call lady docs by their first name and male docs Dr. She nipped that in the bud real quick!
Dean J told this hilarious story...let me set this up right.
So I brought up Dr. Tomika Cross, the OBGYN who was asked to show credentials to prove she was actually a physician on a flight. I asked what they would do in the same situation.
Dean J volunteers "You know my husband is an ophthalmologist but he's the FIRST person volunteering on a flight when they ask for a doctor. So every time, I'm asleep because I sleep on flights and they call for a doctor and he volunteers. Enthusiastically mind you. And he goes and comes back and wakes me up saying
"They need a doctor." and I'm like YOU'RE KIDDING?!?!?! Do you think they needed their cornea inspected or retina reattached!?!!?! Of course they need a doctor and you're not the one they're looking for! And then its always my luck that its a 400 lb man and I'm used to doing chest compressions with my thumbs on someone that weigh 4 lbs but nevertheless I actually know how to help them! I wish he would stop volunteering because they're never looking for him!"
Now mind you this is WAAAAAY funnier in person and partially because Dean F was drinking water when she said the part about her husband coming back saying they need a doctor and she quite literally had to spit said water back in the bottle because she burst out laughing! Mind you this is the same woman they say is tough....but waterworks. She even said after Dean J was finished that "that was funny."
Dean F went on to say she's helped many times throughout her career and never been questioned. The other two carry their medical license in their wallets but Dean F was like nope. I just walk over and help. (Yup, that sounds like my girl!)
I asked Dean F during intermission if I should ask about mansplaining and she was like
"what's that."
I explained that its when a man explains something to you that you already know and she was like
"that happens? That doesn't happen to me."
to which I replied
"of course it doesn't, they probably look and you and go she's good."
She laughed when I said that.
She's amazeballs.
Did I mention she was post call...yup she'd been at work from Thursday morning around 6 am to Friday night at 7:30 pm when we got done, and she'd done a lap appy at 3 am with a total of 37.5 hrs of not leaving the hospital, and then she was going out on a date with her husband to get catfish and a crab bomb. (Yes I did have to ask what a crab bomb is and apparently its a crab cake minus the cakey part.)
I'm working on a plan for how to become her.
Hell, we both kind of are.
I learned so much.
I know Dean F and J way more than most but I still learned so much.
So many take aways about sticking to your guns, getting what you want, making sure your seat at the table is secure, choosing an appropriate spouse for your career goals, actually knowing where you're trying to go and what will actually get you there, making time for these feet and nails, making time for my spouse (hello going on a date after 37.5 hours in the hospital because you've got a marriage to maintain!) and never accepting anything less than Dr. in medical settings.
I also think a lot of people got to see the Dean F I ride for. She's something special. I really want people to see her because she's been amazing for me this year. I wouldn't be so sure of where I'm trying to go and what I want to do without her. I'm sure this picture of us is just the beginning because my jacket will one day say HUH too.
Anyway those were the highlights.
It was a banner evening.
The deans are so so so great.
Not that great of a picture but its me (dressed the way my Dean prefers)
Dean M talked about how she became a physician after being a nurse and had studied at Columbia encountering bias associated with both being a nurse and one of 4 Black people out of 150. A visiting student from Howard told her she needed to come down after med school and she did just that. She talked about things I think we take for granted: the nurturing, the seeing Black faces everywhere you turn. I know that that's something I don't take for granted because there's no way I'd have the face time with Deans that I have at any other place. For goodness sakes, I went to brunch with an attending mentor today. Howard is insane and lovely and amazing. Its infuriating but I love the mess out of my med school....and I'm committed to making it better.
Dean F...my goodness. Firstly, she was valedictorian of her medical school class. The woman is dumb smart. So she was in something called a pyramid program for surgery. This is how all surgery programs use to be structured which was that they admitted 17 interns to Howard's surgery program and only 6 graduated as chief residents and surgeons.
You want to talk about BRUTAL!?!?!?
When people talk about how tough she is as a person I just want to point them back to the fact that she trained as a surgeon in a program where only 1 in 3 of them actually became a surgeon. AND she got pregnant in her 4th year which is a year before final cuts are made down to the lucky 6 and they still wanted her because she worked her behind off!
That lady......She sees things in me I never saw in myself.
She's incredible and to be honest, I'm better for feeling like I have to impress her.
Dean J got pregnant her first year of residency. Instead of quitting because her husband was an attending ophthalmologist, she spent her entire pay check on a nanny so she could complete her residency. That's dedication. She didn't have a financial incentive to do the work but she loved it. And she's a damn good pediatrician and neonatologist by the way.
They all told these incredible stories but some stick out more than others.
They talked about not shying away from ambition and outsourcing things that can be outsourced so you can actually be a fantastic mother and physician and not a fantastic physician, housekeeper, and cook. I thought that was immensely valuable advice. Moreover, Dean J talked about how important picking a supportive spouse is. She said her and her husband agreed patients over everything and they stick to it. Her patients or his, patients first. And they had many really tough conversations about that stuff early on to make sure that this was going to work.
Dean F talked about imposter syndrome which is something we all suffer from. She went on to discuss wanting to be a dean and being promised a deanship and how it didn't seem to be happening so she started to withdraw. Her husband was like "Ummmm since when have you ever backed off of anything. Go get your stuff girl!" She went on to make the "necessary changes" to become dean. (Let me go ahead and say I call BS. They said my girl was tough but hello PYRAMID surgery residency. She wasn't especially tough....she was necessarily tough and I'd say everyone else was probably just as tough but they had penises -______-)
Never the less she's dean now she she's killing it.
Game. Set. Match. Sr. Associate Dean.
Dean M talked about taking time for yourself which I do all the damn time as this hair won't do itself and I got a girl for these toes. I pride myself on having my toes done at all times so I slide in to see my girl post call or not every two weeks. She talked about how we are going to be judge on appearance post call or not and I can relate.
It took one comment from my mentor for me to change up my entire wardrobe. Dresses in...sweats out.
I gave them a case and Dean F's response was classic her. The case was "You walk in a room and everyone is being addressed as Dr except you. They're calling you by your first name. What do you do?"
Dean F....my my my. She was like "That doesn't happen to me. If you call me Ms. F I'll correct you. Its Dr. F." She went on to say that surgical culture is Dr. at all times and the only people who do that are often patients waking up after she's operated on them and she just gets them right together. She was like its completely disrespectful to address a person you don't know by their first name. She doesn't address folks she really really knows by their first name publicly if they are an MD. I can attest to that because she never calls me Ms. Its Dr. W or my first name.
I appreciate that too because I ain't been a Ms since November 19, 2014 when I successfully defended my PhD. I got PhD bars tattooed on my body so there's no forgetting that one!
Dean M talked about having to take other women aside and say "Now which of these degrees is unclear to you?" because receptionists would call lady docs by their first name and male docs Dr. She nipped that in the bud real quick!
Dean J told this hilarious story...let me set this up right.
So I brought up Dr. Tomika Cross, the OBGYN who was asked to show credentials to prove she was actually a physician on a flight. I asked what they would do in the same situation.
Dean J volunteers "You know my husband is an ophthalmologist but he's the FIRST person volunteering on a flight when they ask for a doctor. So every time, I'm asleep because I sleep on flights and they call for a doctor and he volunteers. Enthusiastically mind you. And he goes and comes back and wakes me up saying
"They need a doctor." and I'm like YOU'RE KIDDING?!?!?! Do you think they needed their cornea inspected or retina reattached!?!!?! Of course they need a doctor and you're not the one they're looking for! And then its always my luck that its a 400 lb man and I'm used to doing chest compressions with my thumbs on someone that weigh 4 lbs but nevertheless I actually know how to help them! I wish he would stop volunteering because they're never looking for him!"
Now mind you this is WAAAAAY funnier in person and partially because Dean F was drinking water when she said the part about her husband coming back saying they need a doctor and she quite literally had to spit said water back in the bottle because she burst out laughing! Mind you this is the same woman they say is tough....but waterworks. She even said after Dean J was finished that "that was funny."
Dean F went on to say she's helped many times throughout her career and never been questioned. The other two carry their medical license in their wallets but Dean F was like nope. I just walk over and help. (Yup, that sounds like my girl!)
I asked Dean F during intermission if I should ask about mansplaining and she was like
"what's that."
I explained that its when a man explains something to you that you already know and she was like
"that happens? That doesn't happen to me."
to which I replied
"of course it doesn't, they probably look and you and go she's good."
She laughed when I said that.
She's amazeballs.
Did I mention she was post call...yup she'd been at work from Thursday morning around 6 am to Friday night at 7:30 pm when we got done, and she'd done a lap appy at 3 am with a total of 37.5 hrs of not leaving the hospital, and then she was going out on a date with her husband to get catfish and a crab bomb. (Yes I did have to ask what a crab bomb is and apparently its a crab cake minus the cakey part.)
I'm working on a plan for how to become her.
Hell, we both kind of are.
I still can't believe she thinks I can have her job one day....much less wants me to have it.
I know Dean F and J way more than most but I still learned so much.
So many take aways about sticking to your guns, getting what you want, making sure your seat at the table is secure, choosing an appropriate spouse for your career goals, actually knowing where you're trying to go and what will actually get you there, making time for these feet and nails, making time for my spouse (hello going on a date after 37.5 hours in the hospital because you've got a marriage to maintain!) and never accepting anything less than Dr. in medical settings.
I also think a lot of people got to see the Dean F I ride for. She's something special. I really want people to see her because she's been amazing for me this year. I wouldn't be so sure of where I'm trying to go and what I want to do without her. I'm sure this picture of us is just the beginning because my jacket will one day say HUH too.
Anyway those were the highlights.
It was a banner evening.
The deans are so so so great.
Brief thoughts from Women in Power
oh my goodness...it was sooooo good.
The deans were great, totally engaged and enthused.
They really told stories that I think highlighted their struggles and triumphs in medicine.
People got to see my dean and mentor in a light they normally don’t see her in and I thought that was fantastic.
They were so excited to get their gifts which were purely creative and not expensive at all.
I simewho ended up in a conversation with two of my mentors, one of which was post call and she’d stayed all day and then did the panel and her only request was “Can I get a can of coke? And not that diet stuff either. If I meant diet, I’d have said diet.”
They talked about correcting people who want to call them Ms. As I always say...I haven’t been a Ms since I was 27. My name is either what my mother named me or Dr and considering that you don’t know me, it’s Dr.
So many stories...I’ll do a formal post toMorrow. Just know it was good. So good for me and the other women students.
Great turn out of about 35.
It was just one of those mountain top experiences.
Such a good good work day.
The deans were great, totally engaged and enthused.
They really told stories that I think highlighted their struggles and triumphs in medicine.
People got to see my dean and mentor in a light they normally don’t see her in and I thought that was fantastic.
They were so excited to get their gifts which were purely creative and not expensive at all.
I simewho ended up in a conversation with two of my mentors, one of which was post call and she’d stayed all day and then did the panel and her only request was “Can I get a can of coke? And not that diet stuff either. If I meant diet, I’d have said diet.”
They talked about correcting people who want to call them Ms. As I always say...I haven’t been a Ms since I was 27. My name is either what my mother named me or Dr and considering that you don’t know me, it’s Dr.
So many stories...I’ll do a formal post toMorrow. Just know it was good. So good for me and the other women students.
Great turn out of about 35.
It was just one of those mountain top experiences.
Such a good good work day.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Deans and things
I had to put together the gifts for the deans tomorrow. I decided to go with shadowboxes that will double as the table centerpieces during the intermission and food portion of tomorrow.
I’m excited about this thing. I’m going with DHF black for a clothing choice because it makes me feel powerful. Channeling Deb Deb is always a thing that makes me feel invincible.
I also ended up having to use my phone to print out pics so I sprinted out some others too. I decided to print out some of the action shots from telling my mentor that I’d passed step. That was really a banner moment in my life. Her reaction was larger than life and made me feel so so so good. I love that memory so I put those on my coffee table. I’m going to get a double frame for them. I loved us. I do deeply want us back. I’m gonna keep pursuing that because it doesn’t make any sense. Stopped by her office today and she was on the phone so I’ll go back and try again tomorrow. I miss her. I miss her everyday.
I also printed out this dope shot I got of all the Black deans of Howard from behind the stage during short white coat ceremony this fall. Definitely a money shot. I love Howard for that shot. I love being able to see so much Black excellence daily. I love having my future deanship modeled for me by someone who looks like me and spends time investing in my future as her successor. Howard’s just in your bones good you know? This was definitely one of the most important decisions I ever made and I’m so glad that when I was walking down the steps after my interview, and right before I came out to my sister, that I heard God’s voice saying “this is what I have for you. Say yes.”
I’m so glad that obedience has been a part of my faith practice. This is one of the best yes moments of my life and by far the easiest to say.
There are some great pics of me and my girls that I had to have printed. I’m gonna need a giant shadow box for all the pics we are going to have. We are leaving for San Fran next week for a conference so there will be pictures galore! They are such a blessing to me. I’ve never ever had a group of friends or had a group of people claim me before. I wasn’t a popular kid to say the least but I tell you that if you keep living, things might just change😊
Printed some gangster shots of me and my sibl because we awesome in our Christmas onesies. That girl man. Today she went home to get her hair done and our hairdresser follows me on insta. I recently posted on the 3rd anniversary of coming out to my mom that coming out was this amazing thing that let me live more authentically and I posted a picture of two brides saying this is what I dream of. She said to my sister”did you see that post?” She hadn’t but she said she figured it was some gay shit (that’s my sibl!) My hairdresser went on to say I thought she was gay in high school. Glad she finally figured that out. Girl what?!?! I wasn’t even sure I was gay then. In love with my first girl friend? Yes but gay? Nah....I wasn’t convinced. So many people saw it before I did for what it was. It’s cool. I’m there now. Lol
And I actually decided to print out two of the shots of me and the math teacher. I definitely hadn’t planned to do that going into the CVS...hell I’d planned to use my thumb drive that didn’t even have those pics on it but alas the opportunity presented itself and I said well why the hell not.
My ex and I had had a whole photo shoot and I threw out the pictures just a few months ago. I like pictures. And even though she’s not mine, she could be in the future and plus...she’s pretty to look at. So, much like things I’m not quite ready for everyone to see, the pics of us are the only ones that didn’t stay in my loving room. I have this hallway that connects my room to my bathroom where I keep various items like nudes of beautiful women and I put the picture up there. There’s also one on my nightstand...not sure how long that’ll be there but it is. She’s pretty...what can I say 🤷🏾♀️
Anyway, I hope the dean event goes well tomorrow. I love celebrating women! We’re dope.
I’m excited about this thing. I’m going with DHF black for a clothing choice because it makes me feel powerful. Channeling Deb Deb is always a thing that makes me feel invincible.
I also ended up having to use my phone to print out pics so I sprinted out some others too. I decided to print out some of the action shots from telling my mentor that I’d passed step. That was really a banner moment in my life. Her reaction was larger than life and made me feel so so so good. I love that memory so I put those on my coffee table. I’m going to get a double frame for them. I loved us. I do deeply want us back. I’m gonna keep pursuing that because it doesn’t make any sense. Stopped by her office today and she was on the phone so I’ll go back and try again tomorrow. I miss her. I miss her everyday.
I also printed out this dope shot I got of all the Black deans of Howard from behind the stage during short white coat ceremony this fall. Definitely a money shot. I love Howard for that shot. I love being able to see so much Black excellence daily. I love having my future deanship modeled for me by someone who looks like me and spends time investing in my future as her successor. Howard’s just in your bones good you know? This was definitely one of the most important decisions I ever made and I’m so glad that when I was walking down the steps after my interview, and right before I came out to my sister, that I heard God’s voice saying “this is what I have for you. Say yes.”
I’m so glad that obedience has been a part of my faith practice. This is one of the best yes moments of my life and by far the easiest to say.
There are some great pics of me and my girls that I had to have printed. I’m gonna need a giant shadow box for all the pics we are going to have. We are leaving for San Fran next week for a conference so there will be pictures galore! They are such a blessing to me. I’ve never ever had a group of friends or had a group of people claim me before. I wasn’t a popular kid to say the least but I tell you that if you keep living, things might just change😊
Printed some gangster shots of me and my sibl because we awesome in our Christmas onesies. That girl man. Today she went home to get her hair done and our hairdresser follows me on insta. I recently posted on the 3rd anniversary of coming out to my mom that coming out was this amazing thing that let me live more authentically and I posted a picture of two brides saying this is what I dream of. She said to my sister”did you see that post?” She hadn’t but she said she figured it was some gay shit (that’s my sibl!) My hairdresser went on to say I thought she was gay in high school. Glad she finally figured that out. Girl what?!?! I wasn’t even sure I was gay then. In love with my first girl friend? Yes but gay? Nah....I wasn’t convinced. So many people saw it before I did for what it was. It’s cool. I’m there now. Lol
And I actually decided to print out two of the shots of me and the math teacher. I definitely hadn’t planned to do that going into the CVS...hell I’d planned to use my thumb drive that didn’t even have those pics on it but alas the opportunity presented itself and I said well why the hell not.
My ex and I had had a whole photo shoot and I threw out the pictures just a few months ago. I like pictures. And even though she’s not mine, she could be in the future and plus...she’s pretty to look at. So, much like things I’m not quite ready for everyone to see, the pics of us are the only ones that didn’t stay in my loving room. I have this hallway that connects my room to my bathroom where I keep various items like nudes of beautiful women and I put the picture up there. There’s also one on my nightstand...not sure how long that’ll be there but it is. She’s pretty...what can I say 🤷🏾♀️
Anyway, I hope the dean event goes well tomorrow. I love celebrating women! We’re dope.
Annoyed
I’m annoyed today. It was the perfect day to have spent with a girlfriend, if I had one. I watched a movie, made bubble tea at home (enough to have bubble tea tmrw too 😊) and just generally lazed around. It was awesome. Can I tell you another awesome thing about today?
No noise. The girl that touched my inappropriately...yea I told her I needed time and that we shouldn’t be alone together for a while. That’s been amazing. I wouldn’t say I had a productive day thanks to 2 consecutive days off my ADD meds but there was significantly less noise in my life today and I loved it.
I kinda don’t miss her. I feel guilty about it too, but it’s true.
I did miss talking to the math teacher though. That’s also annoying. I’m generally not a person who desires the company or conversation of other people. I enjoy it but I don’t miss it. My family tells me they miss me all the time and I usually make a joke out of it because the feeling is not mutual lol. I may like talking to you but generally I’m doing something else I really want to do if I’m not around you so you’re not exactly on my mind.
She is though.
Annoyingly and also eye openingly.
She’s also in my prayers, which was the first place she showed up that made me pay attention. I pray for my wife everyday but she’s in there too. I wonder when my wife and the girl I’m praying for by name will one day be one and the same? I guess when I ask someone to marry me! Ha!
There was this interesting article today in the Times about Black boys vs white boys who are raised with the same amount of money and where they land as adults. I sent it to omg faculty pair on evaluations subcommittee because he’s probably the Black man I talk to the most and he poked holes in that argument. I can’t wait to sit down with him and hash that one out. He importantly noted that having money and being wealthy are very different. I also thought it was interesting that this issue doesn’t face black women but I think that’s because whites don’t seem to see us as a threat as obviously so they let us make it in the name of diversity while not letting Black men make it. I know this...nothing I see in the media makes me want to have a Black son. I already had less than positive thoughts about raising a boy but the media makes it sound like a lost cause.
You want a successful kid who actually stays alive long enough to be someone?
Have a Black girl.
Friday is my big female deans activity. I’m looking forward to it. I think the lady deans will be good. I have to pick up some last minute items but it’s coming together.
My faculty seminar is postponed because my other presenter had surgery this weekend. To be honest, my initial reaction wasn’t the best since this workshop was supposed to happen in December and it’s march and it’s still not happening. Nevertheless, a new date will be scheduled and I’ll have to ask off of rotation, as if people don’t already think I’m secretly a dean and not justness a baby dean.
Anyway, I’m glad to have picked you back up blog. I missed you. See you tomorrow!
Phil
No noise. The girl that touched my inappropriately...yea I told her I needed time and that we shouldn’t be alone together for a while. That’s been amazing. I wouldn’t say I had a productive day thanks to 2 consecutive days off my ADD meds but there was significantly less noise in my life today and I loved it.
I kinda don’t miss her. I feel guilty about it too, but it’s true.
I did miss talking to the math teacher though. That’s also annoying. I’m generally not a person who desires the company or conversation of other people. I enjoy it but I don’t miss it. My family tells me they miss me all the time and I usually make a joke out of it because the feeling is not mutual lol. I may like talking to you but generally I’m doing something else I really want to do if I’m not around you so you’re not exactly on my mind.
She is though.
Annoyingly and also eye openingly.
She’s also in my prayers, which was the first place she showed up that made me pay attention. I pray for my wife everyday but she’s in there too. I wonder when my wife and the girl I’m praying for by name will one day be one and the same? I guess when I ask someone to marry me! Ha!
There was this interesting article today in the Times about Black boys vs white boys who are raised with the same amount of money and where they land as adults. I sent it to omg faculty pair on evaluations subcommittee because he’s probably the Black man I talk to the most and he poked holes in that argument. I can’t wait to sit down with him and hash that one out. He importantly noted that having money and being wealthy are very different. I also thought it was interesting that this issue doesn’t face black women but I think that’s because whites don’t seem to see us as a threat as obviously so they let us make it in the name of diversity while not letting Black men make it. I know this...nothing I see in the media makes me want to have a Black son. I already had less than positive thoughts about raising a boy but the media makes it sound like a lost cause.
You want a successful kid who actually stays alive long enough to be someone?
Have a Black girl.
Friday is my big female deans activity. I’m looking forward to it. I think the lady deans will be good. I have to pick up some last minute items but it’s coming together.
My faculty seminar is postponed because my other presenter had surgery this weekend. To be honest, my initial reaction wasn’t the best since this workshop was supposed to happen in December and it’s march and it’s still not happening. Nevertheless, a new date will be scheduled and I’ll have to ask off of rotation, as if people don’t already think I’m secretly a dean and not justness a baby dean.
Anyway, I’m glad to have picked you back up blog. I missed you. See you tomorrow!
Phil
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Simple
A soul mate
is a mirror
they show you who you are
they're important because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake
Had I not met her,
loved her,
fought for her
I wouldn't have known that I wanted to spend my life with a her.
but marrying your soul mate isn't always wise.
a soul mate
is someone who changes you
the intensity of the relationship doesn't allow y'all to be stable
and marriage requires stability.
A partner is a friend
a person who thinks you're terrific
who you want to be nice to
its not tension and high vibration.
Its Sunday mornings on a porch swing saying nothing and being content.
its simple.
I've been with my soul mate.
Its the singular most intense emotional experience I've ever had.
It was the mountain top and the valley simultaneously.
It brought me to my knees more times than anything else ever has.
That experience will make me a better wife,
a better mother,
a better friend,
a better mentor,
a better student.
I wouldn't be who I needed to become had I not met her.
Moreover, I wouldn't be able to answer the call on my life if I was with her.
I want simple.
I want a partner.
I want stability.
I want to think you're great and have tea in the morning and be nice to you.
This is how I contrast my ex and the girl I want to be with. There's a girl I want to be with. She's great. She teaches math. She likes to laugh and cook and dance. She's the person I think my ex prepared me to be with. At least that's what I hope. If not, my ex prepared me to be with someone and I'm waiting to see who. I'd like for it to be the math teacher but we'll see won't we.
~Phil
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