Last night I had a dream about going to medical school. In the dream, I got into more than one school. I still knew His will for me was Howard.
And you know what happened?
I did exactly what I thought I'd do. I went to my folks that I trust and I told them that I knew His will but I was tempted to choose to be out of it.
In my dream, I still ended up at Howard but not because of my own strength. My people made sure I didn't walk out of the Will in my dream.
I love when God shows you exactly where you are and why He does things the way He does. I'd speculated this but this dream has me thinking He was like "Yup....you weren't strong enough to do what I wanted given a choice so I had to make my Will for today the only way."
He knows He put someone on my heart that pulls at the core of who I am. He knows I'm drawn to her because He put that in me. I couldn't have an option in reality to follow my feelings, not because they aren't His will but because timing is the next level of His will. It can be His will and not His timing and that won't accomplish what He's designed it to. The Will and His timing go hand in hand.
Thanks for the dream Jesus. I wasn't expecting it....but I sure do love an explanation.
Now that I think about it, I was hating on the city yesterday. I was so frustrated with the whole city life/not living in the South. I get it now God. I apparently needed this even if it infuriates me. This is where He has me. Let's see what He's going to do....
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Show Me Something
S I'd read the passage for next week Tuesday last night and I'd already done some research because its a part of the Bible used against SGL folks. Tonight I was laying here and I said to God "Show me something."
I flipped in my Bible with my eyes closed to the glossary and pointed my finger and opened my eyes. I was in Announce and my finger was pointed at II Samuel 1:20.
Now earlier tonight I'd gotten a voicemail from basically my grandmother saying "You are an outstanding member of this family" and I thought to myself "she's not going to think that when she finds our I like girls." And you know....I felt some kind of way knowing that. I tried to play it off as funny but it really wasn't. Knowing that even though I'm exactly who God made me to be and I'll be walking in His will for me, there will be people who won't be happy about it? That may not affect me knowing what I know but it will affect me.
So let's go back to the Bible. Now I turned to II Samuel 1:20 and read. It took me a few verses to figure out that this is David's eulogy of Saul and Johnathan. Yes.... Johnathan. Johnathan, David's beloved.
Down in II Samuel 1:26 David says "Your love for me was wonderful, passing the love of women."
Tonight's word from God was about two men who loved each other. Its one of the same verses I used to say being gay is okay with God to my family.
He blows my mind. I didn't even realize I needed that and He showed up. He just....He's so much more than I could ever ask for.
I flipped in my Bible with my eyes closed to the glossary and pointed my finger and opened my eyes. I was in Announce and my finger was pointed at II Samuel 1:20.
Now earlier tonight I'd gotten a voicemail from basically my grandmother saying "You are an outstanding member of this family" and I thought to myself "she's not going to think that when she finds our I like girls." And you know....I felt some kind of way knowing that. I tried to play it off as funny but it really wasn't. Knowing that even though I'm exactly who God made me to be and I'll be walking in His will for me, there will be people who won't be happy about it? That may not affect me knowing what I know but it will affect me.
So let's go back to the Bible. Now I turned to II Samuel 1:20 and read. It took me a few verses to figure out that this is David's eulogy of Saul and Johnathan. Yes.... Johnathan. Johnathan, David's beloved.
Down in II Samuel 1:26 David says "Your love for me was wonderful, passing the love of women."
Tonight's word from God was about two men who loved each other. Its one of the same verses I used to say being gay is okay with God to my family.
He blows my mind. I didn't even realize I needed that and He showed up. He just....He's so much more than I could ever ask for.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Through the Looking Glass
One of the things I love about God is that He's absolutely clear. If you're quiet enough and you're hearing Him, He doesn't mince words.
I am often challenged by the simplicity of what He says to my heart. His truths land softly but bolding in my mind and on my spirit.
He never contradicts Himself. Anything He's told me in the Spirit, I find in the Word or its confirmed in other ways. I've never heard from God and then seen something different. What He says is the unadulterated and undeniable truth.
One of the ways I see Him reflected in me is that its absolute or it isn't a thing.
It is or it isn't.
God's got grace that abounds but that doesn't change the truth. He's growing in me grace towards others too. Can I tell you that isn't easy but I sure is making me a better person? It is.
I'm a 100% person. If something is true, its true for me. That's it. That's how He built me. Consequences not withstanding, I'm going to walk out what I know to be true. I know that sounds hard. Believe me...its also hard to live that way. When I tell you it brings me joy though, it most certainly does. This isn't to say its easy but it reminds me of a verse I saw recently. There was a cultural reference to the most dangerous type of Christian is a lukewarm one. I liken that to salt. Salt was used as a preservative in Biblical days. What good is salt if it loses it saltiness? or rather its character...that which it is known by and performs its function through? What good is a Christian whose life isn't a reflection of their relationship with God? I want my life to look like I do exactly what I'm doing right now on a daily basis.
My life ain't easy.
It ain't simple.
It isn't even always happy.
But the things I do have?
Joy, peace, the knowledge that I'm in His will...that'll do.
That'll do just fine.
I Corinthians 3:1
However, brethren, I could not talk to you as to spiritual [men], but as to nonspiritual [men of the flesh, in whom the carnal nature predominates], as to mere infants [in the new life] in Christ
I've been told that I'm spiritually mature. I don't think that's the case at all but that's what I've been told by a few different people. They usually tell me this after a conversation that contains some hard truths. I'm just trying to get this me and Jesus situation together but apparently the way my conversations go tell people that whatever me and Him are doing is serious. As a result, I've come to understand a very simple idea: "Everybody ain't able."
That simple phrase basically means "There's levels to this thing" and the thing is relationship with God. What I'm capable of trusting God with and for is a result of 1. My understanding of the Word, 2. my faith in God, 3. our ongoing relationship, and 4. my testimony. The things I've seen God do in my own life, the understanding He gives me when I read His Word, and the way my whole life is set up creates in me the ability to believe God for things that other folks might not currently have enough faith to believe.
One of the things I love about the Spirit, is that He helps me decide how much to say. He helps me shape my conversations to be other person appropriate. Yea I may be believing God for things that don't look possible but if you're only able to believe Him for the thing you can already actually see, then that's where you are. And that's fine. Faith isn't a race but can I tell you that God wants to grow yours to where you too can believe Him for the big things? Where you too can ask Him for what only He is capable of? He does. God loves big prayers because big prayers require big faith from you and action from Him. He undoubtably gets the glory with a big prayer comes to pass. I've got a few I'm praying....
I Corinthians 3:7
So neither he who plants is anything nor he who waters, but [only] God Who makes it grow and become greater.
Okay we're clearing just going to continue in this vein. Prayer is such a power tool but it doesn't actually do the work. It changes things because it says to God "I know I can't but I know you're able" or at least most of mine do. The things I'm praying for require God to move. The things I'm believing Him for are things only He can do. What I've found is that talking about what God has told me is His will isn't how His will comes to pass. God's got to move. And the thing about God moving is that it requires nothing from me but faith. Audacious faith. Somehow, He's both building my faith to believe He'll do what He says He'll do AND accomplishing His will too. I'm here for all of it! Present!
I Corinthians 3:9
For we are fellow workmen (joint promoters, laborers together) with and for God; you are God’s [b]garden and vineyard and field under cultivation, [you are] God’s building.
You know how people say the greatest project you'll ever work on is you? Well I think the greatest project I'll ever work on is my relationship with God. Me and God are doing this thing together and its quite the undertaking. I need so much work. Y'all just don't know. Sometimes I think this blog makes me sound a lot more together than I am. I'm a beautiful mess but I also know that parts of me that were messier are a little more organized because of His hand in my life. He truly is cultivating me. There are things He's told me and promised me that's He's growing my faith to believe and also growing my character to walk into. Even though I know He's got His best for me, if I had those things now I'd mess them up. The gift of medical school wouldn't be so if I hadn't had to learn to wait on Him. There person I need to be to be successful in medical school wouldn't exist without the process. The process means something.
I Corinthians 3:13
The work of each [one] will become [plainly, openly] known (shown for what it is); for the day [of Christ] will disclose and declare it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test and critically appraise the character and worth of the work each person has done.
Oh the fire....its hot chile. Its so hot. And it does purify you but boy is it rough. Sometimes I think of being in the will and having to rely entirely on God for everything you need as the fire because you have to have done the work on your relationship to be able to really trust Him. The work is the relationship....and I think God tests our resolve or our belief in Him every now and again so that we know that we know Him. I know the fire helps reassure me of my own belief because I can look back and say I made it and it was only because I clung to Him despite my situation.
Now this isn't to say it was flawless. Remember that beautiful mess comment? Yea...here it comes. There are scars across my thighs and arms that will attest to the fact that it wasn't easy and I wasn't always interested in doing what God would want or clinging to Him as tightly as I should. Sometimes I just wanted to do what I wanted to do and usually that resulted in me hurting myself. What I've found is that there is no peace anywhere but with Jesus. Not only is there peace but there's rest. Catch that nap girl....the battle ain't over just because the victory is yours.
I Corinthians 3:15
But if any person’s work is burned up [under the test], he will suffer the loss [of it all, losing his reward], though he himself will be saved, but only as [one who has passed] through fire.
Can I tell you that the first will definitely test your faith? It'll show you that cute things you thought you were doing weren't enough. Yea, you'll make it but you'll have a crucial new piece of information and what you do with that is critical. The new information I got was that I needed to add the Word to my time with God. I was great with worship music. I love it, listen to it, and often fast secular music. Though the music definitely helped me get through I found that it wasn't enough. I needed the Word that the music is based on in my spirit and in my thoughts. I needed to spend time getting to know the God I claimed to worship. Can I tell you it completely changed my relationship with Him? It did and it does and it continues to. I am so profoundly blessed by the Word. The fire taught me that the effort I'd been giving before wasn't enough. I needed more and He wanted more for me.
I Corinthians 3:16-17
I am often challenged by the simplicity of what He says to my heart. His truths land softly but bolding in my mind and on my spirit.
He never contradicts Himself. Anything He's told me in the Spirit, I find in the Word or its confirmed in other ways. I've never heard from God and then seen something different. What He says is the unadulterated and undeniable truth.
One of the ways I see Him reflected in me is that its absolute or it isn't a thing.
It is or it isn't.
God's got grace that abounds but that doesn't change the truth. He's growing in me grace towards others too. Can I tell you that isn't easy but I sure is making me a better person? It is.
I'm a 100% person. If something is true, its true for me. That's it. That's how He built me. Consequences not withstanding, I'm going to walk out what I know to be true. I know that sounds hard. Believe me...its also hard to live that way. When I tell you it brings me joy though, it most certainly does. This isn't to say its easy but it reminds me of a verse I saw recently. There was a cultural reference to the most dangerous type of Christian is a lukewarm one. I liken that to salt. Salt was used as a preservative in Biblical days. What good is salt if it loses it saltiness? or rather its character...that which it is known by and performs its function through? What good is a Christian whose life isn't a reflection of their relationship with God? I want my life to look like I do exactly what I'm doing right now on a daily basis.
My life ain't easy.
It ain't simple.
It isn't even always happy.
But the things I do have?
Joy, peace, the knowledge that I'm in His will...that'll do.
That'll do just fine.
I Corinthians 3:1
However, brethren, I could not talk to you as to spiritual [men], but as to nonspiritual [men of the flesh, in whom the carnal nature predominates], as to mere infants [in the new life] in Christ
I've been told that I'm spiritually mature. I don't think that's the case at all but that's what I've been told by a few different people. They usually tell me this after a conversation that contains some hard truths. I'm just trying to get this me and Jesus situation together but apparently the way my conversations go tell people that whatever me and Him are doing is serious. As a result, I've come to understand a very simple idea: "Everybody ain't able."
That simple phrase basically means "There's levels to this thing" and the thing is relationship with God. What I'm capable of trusting God with and for is a result of 1. My understanding of the Word, 2. my faith in God, 3. our ongoing relationship, and 4. my testimony. The things I've seen God do in my own life, the understanding He gives me when I read His Word, and the way my whole life is set up creates in me the ability to believe God for things that other folks might not currently have enough faith to believe.
One of the things I love about the Spirit, is that He helps me decide how much to say. He helps me shape my conversations to be other person appropriate. Yea I may be believing God for things that don't look possible but if you're only able to believe Him for the thing you can already actually see, then that's where you are. And that's fine. Faith isn't a race but can I tell you that God wants to grow yours to where you too can believe Him for the big things? Where you too can ask Him for what only He is capable of? He does. God loves big prayers because big prayers require big faith from you and action from Him. He undoubtably gets the glory with a big prayer comes to pass. I've got a few I'm praying....
I Corinthians 3:7
So neither he who plants is anything nor he who waters, but [only] God Who makes it grow and become greater.
Okay we're clearing just going to continue in this vein. Prayer is such a power tool but it doesn't actually do the work. It changes things because it says to God "I know I can't but I know you're able" or at least most of mine do. The things I'm praying for require God to move. The things I'm believing Him for are things only He can do. What I've found is that talking about what God has told me is His will isn't how His will comes to pass. God's got to move. And the thing about God moving is that it requires nothing from me but faith. Audacious faith. Somehow, He's both building my faith to believe He'll do what He says He'll do AND accomplishing His will too. I'm here for all of it! Present!
I Corinthians 3:9
For we are fellow workmen (joint promoters, laborers together) with and for God; you are God’s [b]garden and vineyard and field under cultivation, [you are] God’s building.
You know how people say the greatest project you'll ever work on is you? Well I think the greatest project I'll ever work on is my relationship with God. Me and God are doing this thing together and its quite the undertaking. I need so much work. Y'all just don't know. Sometimes I think this blog makes me sound a lot more together than I am. I'm a beautiful mess but I also know that parts of me that were messier are a little more organized because of His hand in my life. He truly is cultivating me. There are things He's told me and promised me that's He's growing my faith to believe and also growing my character to walk into. Even though I know He's got His best for me, if I had those things now I'd mess them up. The gift of medical school wouldn't be so if I hadn't had to learn to wait on Him. There person I need to be to be successful in medical school wouldn't exist without the process. The process means something.
I Corinthians 3:13
The work of each [one] will become [plainly, openly] known (shown for what it is); for the day [of Christ] will disclose and declare it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test and critically appraise the character and worth of the work each person has done.
Oh the fire....its hot chile. Its so hot. And it does purify you but boy is it rough. Sometimes I think of being in the will and having to rely entirely on God for everything you need as the fire because you have to have done the work on your relationship to be able to really trust Him. The work is the relationship....and I think God tests our resolve or our belief in Him every now and again so that we know that we know Him. I know the fire helps reassure me of my own belief because I can look back and say I made it and it was only because I clung to Him despite my situation.
Now this isn't to say it was flawless. Remember that beautiful mess comment? Yea...here it comes. There are scars across my thighs and arms that will attest to the fact that it wasn't easy and I wasn't always interested in doing what God would want or clinging to Him as tightly as I should. Sometimes I just wanted to do what I wanted to do and usually that resulted in me hurting myself. What I've found is that there is no peace anywhere but with Jesus. Not only is there peace but there's rest. Catch that nap girl....the battle ain't over just because the victory is yours.
I Corinthians 3:15
But if any person’s work is burned up [under the test], he will suffer the loss [of it all, losing his reward], though he himself will be saved, but only as [one who has passed] through fire.
Can I tell you that the first will definitely test your faith? It'll show you that cute things you thought you were doing weren't enough. Yea, you'll make it but you'll have a crucial new piece of information and what you do with that is critical. The new information I got was that I needed to add the Word to my time with God. I was great with worship music. I love it, listen to it, and often fast secular music. Though the music definitely helped me get through I found that it wasn't enough. I needed the Word that the music is based on in my spirit and in my thoughts. I needed to spend time getting to know the God I claimed to worship. Can I tell you it completely changed my relationship with Him? It did and it does and it continues to. I am so profoundly blessed by the Word. The fire taught me that the effort I'd been giving before wasn't enough. I needed more and He wanted more for me.
I Corinthians 3:16-17
Do you not discern and understand that you are God’s temple (His sanctuary), and that God’s Spirit has His permanent dwelling in you?
If anyone [d]does hurt to God’s temple or corrupts it [[e]with false doctrines] or destroys it, God will [f]do hurt to him and bring him to the corruption of death and destroy him. For the temple of God is holy (sacred to Him) and that [temple] you are.
I think this is where the origination of my 100% personhood starts. I am and we all are the temple of God. The Spirit in me just won't let certain things be okay with me. It just won't. I can't do whatever I want to because it hurts me. It causes me actual pain and I think that's because 1. He built me this way and 2. The Spirit in me requires a hospitable environment.
Now I talk about being a 100% person and what I mean is that I belong to God and I have a relationship with Him. I am without reservation going to follow the things God tells me. I'm in. I believe. So things that don't go along with being 100% committed to what God has for me or what God has built in me are hard. I love truth and things that aren't steeped in that just throw me off kilter. And you know what? That makes perfect sense because He's in me. And for this dwelling to be hospitable, there are things that can't be in me at the same time as the Spirit is. I need the Spirit, so whatever has to go has to go. Certain things are painful because I quite frankly need to stop doing them or seek some guidance from Above on how to do them. The indwelling the Spirit is so powerful and so necessary in my life so other stuff has to vacate.
This passage also makes me think of all the times where I wasn't uplifted or things that have true to hurt me and I know what God's saying here but I also know He's merciful and forgiving. I know I've hurt people too and I've done wrong to others. Everybody who belongs to God and welcomes Him into their lives is God's temple so we all need to govern ourselves accordingly.
I Corinthians 3: 18
Let no person deceive himself. If anyone among you supposes that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool [let him discard his worldly discernment and recognize himself as dull, stupid, and foolish, without true learning and scholarship], that he may become [really] wise.
If I don't know anything else, I know its never me. All the things that are good in me are a result of the Spirit in me and the fact that I was made in His image. I mess this thing up all the time so I know better than to think myself wise. I'm constantly praying for wisdom and discernment because I know those things come from On High. Lord, open me up to your words for my heart that I may be where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be doing what you've called me to that you might get the glory and I might know the pleasure of being used by You.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Refuge
I want to be the place where its safe for you to fall apart
but you have make me your inner sanctum
I want to be the one you can't wait to talk to
but you have want to me in your mind
but you have make me your inner sanctum
I want to be the one you can't wait to talk to
but you have want to me in your mind
Do You See What I See?
Yesterday I made a mistake. I went downstairs to work out and I was over zealous. I got right on the treadmill and ran/walked a mile. By the end my legs were on fire! Why? Because I have a slight reaction to sweat and if I don't ease into it, I start to itch. From my ankles to my knees, its awful. Its been so bad that I've scratched until I bled. The mistake was thinking I could just do what I wanted when I wanted and my body clearly tells me that that's not how this going to go.
I've made the same mistake in my relationship with God before. I've got a plan that I'm trying to execute and its not God's will. Sometimes, I know that and sometimes I don't but either way its not going to come to pass. The harder I work on my plan, the harder the consequences get for what I'm trying to do. Why? Because its not His will. Now those consequences aren't always insane. I remember when I was trying to shave some time off this schooling and I was looking at midwifery despite the fact that I knew I was going to med school deep down in the heart of hearts. Everytime I looked at it, there were more and more prerequisites that I didnt have. I was going to need to go back to undergrad for a whole year. <---No bueno. That was a clear roadblock God was throwing up.
There's another piece in being in God's will and its His timing. Lord help me, there's nothing worse than knowing God's will and being out of God's timing. Its hard because you know you've heard clearly from Him but you don't have the thing He told you about. That medical school acceptance letter didn't arrive until January 2016.
God told me I was going to medical school before the end of my 1st year of grad school. That was early 2010. Let me be a little more clear, I told God I'd get the PhD if I got the fellowship and then I'd get the MD. If I hadn't gotten the NSF, I'd have left grad school. I got the NSF. I stayed and got the PhD. I'm going to start getting the MD in about 6 weeks. God's timing is perfect but God's timing wasn't mine. There are 6 smooth years between what He told me and when its starting to come to pass. Of course that's not a lot to God but its a significant part of my life. God had things He wanted to accomplish in me during that time.
Its so hard to be in His will when His promises to you aren't happening in that current moment. I'm learning that its not only His will that I need to be in but His timing. I can't be in front of what God is doing because when He does do it...it'll be amazing AND He'll get the glory.
I Corinthians 2:3-5
I've made the same mistake in my relationship with God before. I've got a plan that I'm trying to execute and its not God's will. Sometimes, I know that and sometimes I don't but either way its not going to come to pass. The harder I work on my plan, the harder the consequences get for what I'm trying to do. Why? Because its not His will. Now those consequences aren't always insane. I remember when I was trying to shave some time off this schooling and I was looking at midwifery despite the fact that I knew I was going to med school deep down in the heart of hearts. Everytime I looked at it, there were more and more prerequisites that I didnt have. I was going to need to go back to undergrad for a whole year. <---No bueno. That was a clear roadblock God was throwing up.
There's another piece in being in God's will and its His timing. Lord help me, there's nothing worse than knowing God's will and being out of God's timing. Its hard because you know you've heard clearly from Him but you don't have the thing He told you about. That medical school acceptance letter didn't arrive until January 2016.
God told me I was going to medical school before the end of my 1st year of grad school. That was early 2010. Let me be a little more clear, I told God I'd get the PhD if I got the fellowship and then I'd get the MD. If I hadn't gotten the NSF, I'd have left grad school. I got the NSF. I stayed and got the PhD. I'm going to start getting the MD in about 6 weeks. God's timing is perfect but God's timing wasn't mine. There are 6 smooth years between what He told me and when its starting to come to pass. Of course that's not a lot to God but its a significant part of my life. God had things He wanted to accomplish in me during that time.
Its so hard to be in His will when His promises to you aren't happening in that current moment. I'm learning that its not only His will that I need to be in but His timing. I can't be in front of what God is doing because when He does do it...it'll be amazing AND He'll get the glory.
I Corinthians 2:3-5
And I was in weakness and fear and great trembling [[c]after I had come] among you.
And my language and my message were not set forth in persuasive (enticing and plausible) words of wisdom, but they were in demonstration of the [Holy] Spirit and power [[d]a proof by the Spirit and power of God, operating on me and stirring in the minds of my hearers the most holy emotions and thus persuading them],
So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God.
Being charismatic is great but Paul is saying very clearly that he wasn't. He came before the church exactly as he is: weak, lacking persuasiveness. The church didn't see how great Paul was but how great God is. If they were convinced of Christ it wasn't because of fancy language. The more I read the Word the more I'm convinced of who God is in two ways: 1. I read about who He was to others and 2. I know who He is to me. I know that He's spoken to me and I've later found almost the same thing word for word in the Bible. I know I've trusted Him to literally lead me to the verse I need and He has. I know Him. And its not the fancy language or even the words I use here but the relationship that this writing undergirds. The writing means there's thinking. I'm meditating on my relationship. If it matters to me, I'll write about it. I write about God daily.
Packaging matters. It matter how I show up in a room. It matters that Paul didn't show up confidently. In my profession, it matters that I'm Black. It matters that I'm a woman. It matters that I graduated from an HBCU. How I show up in the room can change the game. Paul showed up ready to let God use Him. I endeavor to do the same. Paul was just a man called by God who heeded the call. I hope I'm the same.
When undergrads or even the junior grads hear that a young PhD is coming to talk to them and then I walk in the room....that matters. You know what else matters? What I do in there. Can I tell you that I'm always like "But by the grace of God" or something to that affect because I know! I know there is no way I come into being with God's hand in my life. I also know, you're not going to make it without Him young scholars. Be ye not deceived that it was by my own merit that I stand before you because it was nothing but the grace of God that got me this far. Transparency matters because the less visible I am, the more visible He is.
I Corinthians 2:7
But rather what we are setting forth is a wisdom of God once hidden [from the human understanding] and now revealed to us by God—[that wisdom] which God devised anddecreed before the ages for our glorification [to lift us into the glory of His presence].
You ever had to tell a truth that made no sense to anyone? You ever had to stand on the wisdom God gave you and the things He's revealed to you that looked like nonsense? You ever known something before anyone else did? Let me tell you about this thing me and God do together. If I'm quiet enough, He's constantly telling me things. Now the big things, the life changing things, the things that drive me to my knees, the things about which I need confirmation after confirmation....those things He so clearly places on my heart blow my mind. Like...really God? You're going to use me? You know what else they do? They inspire. How? Because usually they are so far from being a reality that I know God's going to have to do it AND He's going to get the glory from it. You know what else I love? If my trust in what He's said to me is great enough and I tell someone else who believes with me, both of us are strengthened in our walks when God's promises come to pass. He's that amazing.
The level of faith the big things require is a new place God wants to grow me to cause trust me....when He tells me I'm usually like "Excuse me?" He's faithful y'all and I'm His.
I Corinthians 2:9
But, on the contrary, as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man, [all that] God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him [[e]who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed].
Lord.....
Oh Great Jehovah...this is what we're doing today? Alright lets go there. There's so much I don't know. I recently heard a sermon by TDJakes and he talked about how powerful "I know not" is. Uncertainty is amazing. I'm walking in it right now. ITs not amazing because it feels good but because God has control if I don't. I want to be the co-pilot at best in my own life. I want to be where He wants me.
I'm humbled by the idea that because I love Him, He has prepared a place for me. Because I love Him, He's made provision for me. Because I love Him, He's going to give me His best for my life. Relationship changes the game. I'll expand that in the next section.
I Corinthians 2:11
For what person perceives (knows and understands) what passes through a man’s thoughts except the man’s own spirit within him? Just so no one discerns (comes to know and comprehend) the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
Who here believes the Bible is true? ::raises hand::
Alright then....so the Bible is saying here no one can know another man's thoughts except the man himself. That will change the game. Sometimes you just have to know you can't know. You can't know the motives of another person and trying to will drive you crazy. This verse rings so true for me. I'm constantly trying to figure out why someone else wants something or does something but that's not possible. How can I know someone else's thoughts? The Word is comparing knowing what is in another man's mind to know what is in God's mind and we all know we can't know the mind of God. The Bible is making a very strong comparison here and I know its intentional.
Now....discernment and wisdom and literal Words from On High can expose to you someone else's thoughts. That's a thing...and its very real. I've experienced it in my own life in two ways and both involve God. I prayed for a sign that God show me something about someone and He did. I didn't know their thoughts in that moment per say but I knew their feelings towards the thing I asked about. I've also prayed to God and He's told me "oh don't worry about that" and the that was something I was being told but wasn't the entire true or wouldn't go on to play out like that. That's in a way knowing someone's thoughts but generally no one is going to be walking around knowing what other people are thinking. No one's mind is open to another's less they open it. God's mind isn't open to us less He open it. How does that happen?
Now....discernment and wisdom and literal Words from On High can expose to you someone else's thoughts. That's a thing...and its very real. I've experienced it in my own life in two ways and both involve God. I prayed for a sign that God show me something about someone and He did. I didn't know their thoughts in that moment per say but I knew their feelings towards the thing I asked about. I've also prayed to God and He's told me "oh don't worry about that" and the that was something I was being told but wasn't the entire true or wouldn't go on to play out like that. That's in a way knowing someone's thoughts but generally no one is going to be walking around knowing what other people are thinking. No one's mind is open to another's less they open it. God's mind isn't open to us less He open it. How does that happen?
Indwelling of the Spirit. If the only one that can understand the thoughts of God is the Spirit of God then I've got to have the spirit living on the inside of me. I won't ever be able to interpret or even hear Him if His interpreter isn't in me. And the in me part....I've got to work on making an environment in my life that's conducive to the Spirit. This daily meal of Bible and reflection...yea the Spirit likes that!
I Corinthians 2:14
But the natural, nonspiritual man does not accept or welcome or admit into his heart the gifts and teachings and revelations of the Spirit of God, for they are folly (meaningless nonsense) to him; and he is incapable of knowing them [of progressively recognizing, understanding, and becoming better acquainted with them] because they are spiritually discerned and estimated and appreciated.
Lord, Lord, Lord.
So let's dissect this. Remember how I was just talking about how the Spirit in me hears God and moves me in the direction I'm supposed to be going? Ok so lets take that a step further. When I hear in the natural...when I just look around and see what's going on, I wouldn't accept the things I know to be true. Why? Because none of them look true. Nothing about the way my life looks says I should have any expectation of what God has promised me. The kicker is that God promised them to me. That's done baby! How He's going to walk that out isn't on me. My role is to believe and believe I do. I believe in spite of what it looks like.
What I also find interesting here is that the things God has or reveals can only be appreciated spiritually. When I think about what God wants to do in my marriage, I know its spiritual. I know its about a demonstration of how same gender loving can be holy and set apart and glorifying to God. I know its about breaking down the idea that SGL couples can be completed devoted to Christianity and showing that to the people around me. Its also about the fact that my wife is fine as all outside but its not primarily about that. :-) I know its about showing how God can bless what He's called you to even if other's thing that's not His will. The thing I've found out about His will is that if you're in it, the perception of what you're doing will change. Maybe not today and maybe it won't ever be verbalized but it will change. God's in the perception changing business.
You know I didn't get it until I got it spiritually. I really didn't understand what God was telling me or why God was doing this until I stopped looking at it from a purely emotional and physical standpoint and I allowed Him to show me what it meant spiritually. I started out spiritual...asking if this was okay for me and I got that green light and took a deep sea dive into feelings. When I finally got tired of trying to do it my way and I went back to Him and said show me your way, He took me right on back to where we started: spiritual.
I Corinthians 2:15
But the spiritual man tries all things [he [g]examines, investigates, inquires into, questions, and discerns all things], yet is himself to be put on trial and judged by no one [he can read the meaning of everything, but no one can properly discern or appraise orget an insight into him].
Listen....nothing requires more questions than trying to be in His will. I'm constantly asking questions because I constantly calibrating to His will. Sometimes its just "Do I say this or hold that back?" or "Do I go do that thing or stay where I'm at? Give me a sign." I've asked some really tough questions too for two reasons: 1. I want to be in His will and if that's what I want I've got to ask so I can avoid things I shouldn't be doing or embrace things I should and 2. It builds my faith. Now....how can asking a tough question build faith? For me, it allows me to be completely vulnerable before God and to be taken care of no matter what His will is. Sometimes His will is no. Its often been no. But if I believe that His best is what I'll have then His no is setting me up for better. Now I've got to truth that His best for me is what He's giving me to ask some of these questions because No's are rough. Like crying in the midnight hour rough.
One of the things God built into me is the desire to share. I see why now. The verse goes on to say no one can get insight into the spiritual man but again...openness is my way. This blog is a clear example of that. I'm fine with y'all knowing what me and God are talking about and even more so what I'm thinking about in relationship to God. You may not be able to see into me, but I'll give you a window.
I Corinthians 2:16
For who has known or understood the mind (the counsels and purposes) of the Lord so as to guide and instruct Him and give Him knowledge? But we have the mind of Christ (the Messiah) and do hold the thoughts (feelings and purposes) of His heart.
Can I tell you how my life changed with I stopped telling God what I wanted Him to do and started asking Him what He wants for me? Now that's not to say I don't tell Him what I want but I definitely spend a lot more time looking at what He's shown me in His Word and what's stuck out to me and asking Him if that's where He wants me. I also say "if it be your will" quite often. I'm very open-ended too. "Lord however you want to walk that out, just let me know where I need to be" is an often uttered phrase. I also talk to Him a lot about how He wants me to walk out the things we talk about. "Lord, you're telling me something but I need more instruction. How do I do this your way Father?" There's so much freedom in having less control in my relationship with God because I know He's got me. Check. God's got it handled.
I love that we do get to know His heart though. I know His heart towards me is overflowing and unending love. And when He wants to share His thoughts, the Spirit in me picks that up and we run hard after what He's called me to.
I love that I'm never running alone or in the dark.
I love that I'm never running alone or in the dark.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
See Me for Who I Am
Transparency is a critical part of my relationship with God. I go to the throne everyday but I don't go the same way every day. Some days are all about telling God who He is and how He's worthy of praise and adoration. Some days are about repentance and realignment in His will. Still other are about weariness. The will of God isn't easy just because its right. Having clarity about where God has me doesn't make being there a cake walk. I love that when me and God are doing our thing, He doesn't require that I show up any particular way. He just wants me to be there.
In the transparency of my relationship with Him, He has healed the broken places in me. When I've told Him how my heart ached or how a comment from someone really hurt my feelings or even how His will makes me tired, He is always a shelter from my soul. Now all of this is beautiful and great, but none of this happens if I don't come to Him. And I'll admit I don't always go to Him. Sometimes I just sit in my feelings and I don't let the peace He has for me rest in my spirit. Can I tell you that I found that to be a bad choice? Cause it is. His peace is right there for me if I'm willing to let the things that prevent peace be His burden. The Cross is a great example of what God does. He carries that which we can't, and we get to walk in freedom. The fact that I'm willing to tell God
"I miss her"
"I'm tired"
"I'm angry about this"
"It hurts my feeling sometimes to see the favoritism my parents display"
"I want my wife"
"I don't understand what you're doing"
"Even though I trust you, I need more faith"
"Why am I a 100% person?"
"When will the waiting end?"
"This isn't easy"
"I want to want your will but right now I just want what I want"
changes the game in my relationship with Him. I don't show up with Him the way I show up on this blog. I show up authentically and without reservation. How can you expect help from the great physician if you aren't willing to tell Him what ails you?
I Corinthians 1:3-4
Y'all already know so let's get it. I am so humbled by grace. It is so profound in my own life. It lifts me up and provides me a respite. It is my heart's great comfort. Grace is the favor I'll never earn or be worthy of that gets poured out on my life each and everyday without ceasing. Grace makes a way for my relationship. If you really think about it, Grace lets me say all those things to God. Without grace, telling God most things would be scary. How are you going to tell God that you want to want His will but you don't actually want it and He not smite you for insubordination or some other word that means disrespect? Grace. Grace makes room for relationship because it covers that fact that I have no right to relationship with Him. Grace makes a bridge between the Divine and me.
Peace....yes peace from God. I can tell you on one hand how many places peace resides. Though there are people that make me feel peaceful, the peace I'm talking about only comes from above. I've never found peace like the kind God gives. I've never been able to find sufficient peace any where else. What I love about God's peace is that you can have it despite. Despite your situation, despite your circumstance, despite the fact that your feelings are a whirlwind, despite what your mom says, despite your test grade. Despite all of it, God's peace is bigger. Its radical.
Let's go intimate for a second. I am so grateful for the salvation of other people I know. I can't actually help you get saved, but if you are it so blesses my soul. I don't have to worry about you because like me, you belong to Him and if you do then I know He's got you. A step further would be that I worry even less about you if I know and trust your relationship with Him. There are some people who I pray for and that prayer literally looks like "Lord, let your will be done in their lives and let them be receptive to your perfect plan for them. I know they know you and they're doing this walk with you too so give them peace and let them know someone else is praying for them." Yup....super brief. What I've come to know is that salvation isn't enough. You've got to be in relationship because relationship is what makes you more like Him. Relationship transforms you. Relationship with the Father through the blood of His Son is the action piece of salvation. Its the fruit of salvation.
I Corinthians 1:5
[So] that in Him in every respect you were enriched, in full power and readiness of speech [to speak of your faith] and complete knowledge and illumination [to give you full insight into its meaning].
What does your faith mean to you? Mine means I'm okay. It means I'm acceptable. It means I don't have to do anything to be worthy of love. Its tells me of my purpose. It directs my path. My faith is a defining feature of who I am. People who know me know....I'm fairly serious about Jesus. He's mine because He called me His first. I'm continuously blown away by my relationship with God. I still don't know what all it means, but I trust Him that it will only be His absolute best for me.
Trust is essential for faith. It undergirds faith. Without trust in God, how can faith be? I have to trust that God is exactly who He says He is because if I don't, then I can't believe in things I can't see. My faith is based on trusting that God is not only who He says He is but that He's unchanging. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is my God as well. How can anything His Word says apply to me if I don't trust Him? I mean I know me and I know I'm not worthy. So if His grace and His benevolence and His mercy aren't things I trust, then I'm out because I know I can't earn anything with God. I know sin is a thing in my life. It gets even deeper. If I don't trust that God is who He says He is, then can I trust the cross? He's telling me the cross is His way of redeeming my soul but salvation comes by what? Faith and faith requires trust. How can I have faith that my sins are forgiven if I don't trust Him? Even more simply, how can I believe that His will for me is His best for me if I don't trust Him? If I don't believe that His plan is to prosper me and not to fail me as His Word says then of course I'm going to do my own thing and try and figure stuff out. Can I offer that I've been there, tried that, and failed? I have. Me trying to run my own life was a train wreck. I'm so happy to be in the passenger's seat of my own life.
I Corinthians 1:19
For it is written, I will baffle and render useless and destroy the learning of the learnedand the philosophy of the philosophers and the cleverness of the clever and the discernment of the discerning; I will frustrate and nullify [them] and bring [them] to nothing.
If I ever needed an extra special dose of humility about this PhD here it is! God cares because my PhD will admit me to spaces and places that He wants me in to share Him either directly or indirectly but it doesn't actually matter. You know I had to get a PhD to figure out that it doesn't matter the way I thought it would? Yes, I sign my name with it and yes I cherish it deeply but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. This relationship with God matters. How I treat people I say I love matters. My attitude matters. How I behave around people I don't love matters. How my life reflects Christ matters. So to some degree, a PhD does matter. It matters because it reflects so many things about faith: diligence, perseverance, excellence, the ability to submit to authority. But it won't get me into heaven. Will not!
This is a double back and I usually don't do this but I saw a verse on IG and it grabbed me. romans 12:3 says
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
This so speaks to my heart about what I'd written previously. Its so important that my view of myself stays a reflect of Christ's love for me and His thoughts about me and not the things I've accomplished through Christ in me. And even more vital that I not thing the things He's accomplished are my own accomplishments. Lord, let me never be that confused. There are places in me that definitely need work. I'm patient but not enough. I'm kind, but my minimum level of kindness isn't high enough. I'm not nearly forgiving enough because I'm oversensitive. There are places in my life that need work. They need His touch and I need to grasp the hem of His garment that I might be made anew.
I Corinthians 1:24
But to those who are called, whether Jew or Greek (Gentile), Christ [is] the Power of God and the Wisdom of God.
Oh my....to be called. I don't know about you but I know for a fact that I'm called. I know He's got purpose for me and things I'm supposed to do. I know there are spaces waiting for me to be ready to enter them. I know He's preparing me for things that today would terrify me.
Calling is such an interesting thing. I know some of the things I'm called to and I'm oblivious to others. There are places in which I see such purpose and times when it all just clicks and I'm like "Ohhhhh that's what you had me doing."
My relationship with my undergrad started because she's a phenomenal writer of fan fiction. That was it. And its grown exponentially. My own relationship with my mentor started with an off color comment I made in her presence.
My intercessory prayer life was kicked into high gear because I was called to it. As clearly as I can hear the song playing say "Make me over again" God said to me "I let this happen because I knew you'd pray for her the way she needs to be prayed for" and what that has meant has changed so drastically that I know its God. Even my own ideas about it are so radically different. If you could hear my prayers for January and the ones I pray today...you'd know He's moved me mightily. I surpass myself.
My future marriage....He told me about it. He's been planting the seeds in me forever to be able to understand what He'd say, but when He said it...it still blew me away. Me Lord? This is what you want from me? This is what you're going to equip me to do? What I love is that He doesn't just call us but He gives us power and equips us to do what He's asked. Hearing from on High "yea, a little to the left", "nope more grace there", "more truth, less sugar" keeping me right where He wants me. I need Him and I love Him. He is so amazing.
I Corinthians 1:25
[This is] because the foolish thing [that has its source in] God is wiser than men, and the weak thing [that springs] from God is stronger than men.
One thing I've learned that the thing that makes no sense to me, has no bearing on whether or not God has purpose in it. My thoughts and His thoughts are not on an even playing field. There are quite simply things I'll never understand on this side of Jordan and that reality has to be okay in me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't go fixing the thing I want to see changed without Him. He can do whatever He will without any help from me. I need to be in the space He has me and He can go handle whatever needs handling.
I've also learned that thing no one believed was God and no one thought anything would come of, now leads the pack. When my follow through lacks, I know in my weakness His strength is made perfect. The thing that is of God, is.
I'm so humbled to be called His.
I Corinthians 1:27
for God selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame.
God can do a whole lot with what we perceive to be nothing. Remember the fish and the loaves of bread? Yea, that's my God. When I think of the things He's called me that I know people will view as lesser than, I cling to the truth that that thing God ordains will bring Him glory in the end. That truth satisfies my soul.
I Corinthians 1:31
So then, as it is written, Let him who boasts and proudly rejoices and glories, boast andproudly rejoice and glory in the Lord.
He is my hope. He is my joy. He is my gift. He makes a way for my relationship with God. He makes me smile through tears. He is mine.
In the transparency of my relationship with Him, He has healed the broken places in me. When I've told Him how my heart ached or how a comment from someone really hurt my feelings or even how His will makes me tired, He is always a shelter from my soul. Now all of this is beautiful and great, but none of this happens if I don't come to Him. And I'll admit I don't always go to Him. Sometimes I just sit in my feelings and I don't let the peace He has for me rest in my spirit. Can I tell you that I found that to be a bad choice? Cause it is. His peace is right there for me if I'm willing to let the things that prevent peace be His burden. The Cross is a great example of what God does. He carries that which we can't, and we get to walk in freedom. The fact that I'm willing to tell God
"I miss her"
"I'm tired"
"I'm angry about this"
"It hurts my feeling sometimes to see the favoritism my parents display"
"I want my wife"
"I don't understand what you're doing"
"Even though I trust you, I need more faith"
"Why am I a 100% person?"
"When will the waiting end?"
"This isn't easy"
"I want to want your will but right now I just want what I want"
changes the game in my relationship with Him. I don't show up with Him the way I show up on this blog. I show up authentically and without reservation. How can you expect help from the great physician if you aren't willing to tell Him what ails you?
I Corinthians 1:3-4
Grace (favor and spiritual blessing) be to you and [heart] peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
4 I thank my God at all times for you because of the grace (the favor and spiritual blessing) of God which was bestowed on you in Christ Jesus,
Y'all already know so let's get it. I am so humbled by grace. It is so profound in my own life. It lifts me up and provides me a respite. It is my heart's great comfort. Grace is the favor I'll never earn or be worthy of that gets poured out on my life each and everyday without ceasing. Grace makes a way for my relationship. If you really think about it, Grace lets me say all those things to God. Without grace, telling God most things would be scary. How are you going to tell God that you want to want His will but you don't actually want it and He not smite you for insubordination or some other word that means disrespect? Grace. Grace makes room for relationship because it covers that fact that I have no right to relationship with Him. Grace makes a bridge between the Divine and me.
Peace....yes peace from God. I can tell you on one hand how many places peace resides. Though there are people that make me feel peaceful, the peace I'm talking about only comes from above. I've never found peace like the kind God gives. I've never been able to find sufficient peace any where else. What I love about God's peace is that you can have it despite. Despite your situation, despite your circumstance, despite the fact that your feelings are a whirlwind, despite what your mom says, despite your test grade. Despite all of it, God's peace is bigger. Its radical.
Let's go intimate for a second. I am so grateful for the salvation of other people I know. I can't actually help you get saved, but if you are it so blesses my soul. I don't have to worry about you because like me, you belong to Him and if you do then I know He's got you. A step further would be that I worry even less about you if I know and trust your relationship with Him. There are some people who I pray for and that prayer literally looks like "Lord, let your will be done in their lives and let them be receptive to your perfect plan for them. I know they know you and they're doing this walk with you too so give them peace and let them know someone else is praying for them." Yup....super brief. What I've come to know is that salvation isn't enough. You've got to be in relationship because relationship is what makes you more like Him. Relationship transforms you. Relationship with the Father through the blood of His Son is the action piece of salvation. Its the fruit of salvation.
I Corinthians 1:5
[So] that in Him in every respect you were enriched, in full power and readiness of speech [to speak of your faith] and complete knowledge and illumination [to give you full insight into its meaning].
What does your faith mean to you? Mine means I'm okay. It means I'm acceptable. It means I don't have to do anything to be worthy of love. Its tells me of my purpose. It directs my path. My faith is a defining feature of who I am. People who know me know....I'm fairly serious about Jesus. He's mine because He called me His first. I'm continuously blown away by my relationship with God. I still don't know what all it means, but I trust Him that it will only be His absolute best for me.
Trust is essential for faith. It undergirds faith. Without trust in God, how can faith be? I have to trust that God is exactly who He says He is because if I don't, then I can't believe in things I can't see. My faith is based on trusting that God is not only who He says He is but that He's unchanging. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is my God as well. How can anything His Word says apply to me if I don't trust Him? I mean I know me and I know I'm not worthy. So if His grace and His benevolence and His mercy aren't things I trust, then I'm out because I know I can't earn anything with God. I know sin is a thing in my life. It gets even deeper. If I don't trust that God is who He says He is, then can I trust the cross? He's telling me the cross is His way of redeeming my soul but salvation comes by what? Faith and faith requires trust. How can I have faith that my sins are forgiven if I don't trust Him? Even more simply, how can I believe that His will for me is His best for me if I don't trust Him? If I don't believe that His plan is to prosper me and not to fail me as His Word says then of course I'm going to do my own thing and try and figure stuff out. Can I offer that I've been there, tried that, and failed? I have. Me trying to run my own life was a train wreck. I'm so happy to be in the passenger's seat of my own life.
I Corinthians 1:19
For it is written, I will baffle and render useless and destroy the learning of the learnedand the philosophy of the philosophers and the cleverness of the clever and the discernment of the discerning; I will frustrate and nullify [them] and bring [them] to nothing.
If I ever needed an extra special dose of humility about this PhD here it is! God cares because my PhD will admit me to spaces and places that He wants me in to share Him either directly or indirectly but it doesn't actually matter. You know I had to get a PhD to figure out that it doesn't matter the way I thought it would? Yes, I sign my name with it and yes I cherish it deeply but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. This relationship with God matters. How I treat people I say I love matters. My attitude matters. How I behave around people I don't love matters. How my life reflects Christ matters. So to some degree, a PhD does matter. It matters because it reflects so many things about faith: diligence, perseverance, excellence, the ability to submit to authority. But it won't get me into heaven. Will not!
This is a double back and I usually don't do this but I saw a verse on IG and it grabbed me. romans 12:3 says
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
This so speaks to my heart about what I'd written previously. Its so important that my view of myself stays a reflect of Christ's love for me and His thoughts about me and not the things I've accomplished through Christ in me. And even more vital that I not thing the things He's accomplished are my own accomplishments. Lord, let me never be that confused. There are places in me that definitely need work. I'm patient but not enough. I'm kind, but my minimum level of kindness isn't high enough. I'm not nearly forgiving enough because I'm oversensitive. There are places in my life that need work. They need His touch and I need to grasp the hem of His garment that I might be made anew.
I Corinthians 1:24
But to those who are called, whether Jew or Greek (Gentile), Christ [is] the Power of God and the Wisdom of God.
Oh my....to be called. I don't know about you but I know for a fact that I'm called. I know He's got purpose for me and things I'm supposed to do. I know there are spaces waiting for me to be ready to enter them. I know He's preparing me for things that today would terrify me.
Calling is such an interesting thing. I know some of the things I'm called to and I'm oblivious to others. There are places in which I see such purpose and times when it all just clicks and I'm like "Ohhhhh that's what you had me doing."
My relationship with my undergrad started because she's a phenomenal writer of fan fiction. That was it. And its grown exponentially. My own relationship with my mentor started with an off color comment I made in her presence.
My intercessory prayer life was kicked into high gear because I was called to it. As clearly as I can hear the song playing say "Make me over again" God said to me "I let this happen because I knew you'd pray for her the way she needs to be prayed for" and what that has meant has changed so drastically that I know its God. Even my own ideas about it are so radically different. If you could hear my prayers for January and the ones I pray today...you'd know He's moved me mightily. I surpass myself.
My future marriage....He told me about it. He's been planting the seeds in me forever to be able to understand what He'd say, but when He said it...it still blew me away. Me Lord? This is what you want from me? This is what you're going to equip me to do? What I love is that He doesn't just call us but He gives us power and equips us to do what He's asked. Hearing from on High "yea, a little to the left", "nope more grace there", "more truth, less sugar" keeping me right where He wants me. I need Him and I love Him. He is so amazing.
I Corinthians 1:25
[This is] because the foolish thing [that has its source in] God is wiser than men, and the weak thing [that springs] from God is stronger than men.
One thing I've learned that the thing that makes no sense to me, has no bearing on whether or not God has purpose in it. My thoughts and His thoughts are not on an even playing field. There are quite simply things I'll never understand on this side of Jordan and that reality has to be okay in me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't go fixing the thing I want to see changed without Him. He can do whatever He will without any help from me. I need to be in the space He has me and He can go handle whatever needs handling.
I've also learned that thing no one believed was God and no one thought anything would come of, now leads the pack. When my follow through lacks, I know in my weakness His strength is made perfect. The thing that is of God, is.
I'm so humbled to be called His.
I Corinthians 1:27
for God selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame.
God can do a whole lot with what we perceive to be nothing. Remember the fish and the loaves of bread? Yea, that's my God. When I think of the things He's called me that I know people will view as lesser than, I cling to the truth that that thing God ordains will bring Him glory in the end. That truth satisfies my soul.
I Corinthians 1:31
So then, as it is written, Let him who boasts and proudly rejoices and glories, boast andproudly rejoice and glory in the Lord.
He is my hope. He is my joy. He is my gift. He makes a way for my relationship with God. He makes me smile through tears. He is mine.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
The Path Ain't Wide
Had an awesome worship experience at Mt. Ennon again. I don't know if I'm alone in this but I'm looking for strong, Biblical, relevant messages. I want to be fed good food!
So what's on my mind today?
Not letting your feelings control your feet.
Feelings are crazy. How I feel can change on a dime. Yesterday I was having a lovely conversation or debate if you will with on of my fellow Kennedy Queens and she got legitimately mad at me...out of no where in my opinion. I know why she was upset. I can't really understand it fully but I understood that it was a real problem for her.
For me, it was philosophical.
For her, it was everyday life.
What I love about her though is that she didn't let her feelings about how I approached the subject turn into an attack on me. Separating the disagreement from the person is so vital to good communication. Yesterday's message was actually about this. I'll write about that one day. I've got notes and everything!
Okay so that's not exactly where I wanted to go with the feelings conversation. So me and her, made a hard right in our conversation and delved into another topic....one that isn't philosophical for either of us. I was so surprised by some of her insights as well as her opinions. There are time I really wish I was more like her....especially in the "I'm a person, not just a brain" area. Anywho, I was struck by the fact that my feelings want me to do otherwise sometimes. And by otherwise I mean the change and stray and do all types of stuff. My feelings can be up, down, and to the left in a matter of minutes. What I love about having God in me is that He's steady. He's consistent. He's never changing. I can do all the feeling acrobatics I want but in the end, I'm going to let what He says to me control my feet. I've even talked to Him about wanting to do otherwise and He's very clearly said to me "You're not built that way. I know. I built you."
He keeps me safe.
Even when I want to do otherwise, He's right there telling me essentially "hey girl, that's going to hurt you. My plan is always for your good. Also, this conversation you're giving me...you don't mean it. I know you don't. You know you don't. Get back on assignment."
I've got to trust Him in this space. If God's will is what I'm after, I can't start chasing after feelings. That would be the definition of crazy. That's choosing to be outside His will....and that's a smooth never. I may be outside of it but I'll never knowingly leave it. Oh no...not me. What I love about God is that He also won't really let me be too far off. He's invested in this relationship ref. the cross!
Romans 16: 17
I appeal to you, brethren, to be on your guard concerning those who create dissensions and difficulties and cause divisions, in opposition to the doctrine (the teaching) which you have been taught. [I warn you to turn aside from them, to] avoid them.
Oh ok....so Jesus wants me to talk about conflict resolution now? Ok...cool. Let me find these sermon notes lol.
The scriptural reference was Obadiah, the shortest book in the Old Testament. Let's rock some sermon lite! The first concept was the we've got to learn to address our issues without suppressing them. TALK! Don't be over here acting like you don't have a problem .If you have a problem, don't act like you don't. I'm not good at this with my parents. This is probably because I'm also an avoider with them. I just escape the issue rather than addressing it. My issues are usually met with "We're your parents. We don't care how you feel. WE can do/say whatever we want." Yea....that doesn't make for great conflict resolution. Pastor talked about how we should always be looking for a win-win solution. No one has to lose but sometimes that's not possible. I'll get to that in a second. The whole conflict in Obadiah is based on something silly but also based on the fact that there was no communication! Instead of putting pride aside, they kept up the conflict for centuries leading up to the text in Obadiah. That's insane!
We've got to keep talking. And if we don't agree, we don't. Everything ain't for everybody but you won't know that unless you ask. And once you know....you can go. That's what I'm getting from Paul. But you've got to know.
Romans 16:19
For while your loyalty and obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you, I would have you well versed and wise as to what is good and innocent and guileless as to what is evil.
God doesn't just want a loyal and obedient servant. I can do what He asks without any actual relationship with Him. It would be difficult but its possible. What He wants in reality my heart. He wants me to not only follow but be wise. He wants me to follow because I want to not out of blind obedience. He wants me in this relationship, participating. It is my heartfelt prayer that I have a spirit of discernment. I so want to be wise. I want to be able to read situations and be quiet enough in myself to hear the Spirit's direction in them. The trick there is getting quiet. Sometimes I want to do it myself. Can I tell you that never ends well? Yea....quiet is what I'm working on right now.
The thing about the indwelling of the Spirit is that all I have to do is go right there and check it out. There's not elaborate process. Being close to Him in the way I am...this prayer walk, this devotional lets me be about 90 seconds away from actual worship. The closeness is insane. I can be completely transparent all the time because lets be serious...who am I fooling? Not God. I might be fooling myself but He's omnipotent. So yea....He wants deeper parts of me. More of my heart, more of my mind, more connection. Sometimes I wonder how there's space for more but there always is. Theres' always more.
Romans 16:24
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) be with you all. Amen (so be it).
This is a definite part of my prayer life. Grace is such a profound concept to me. I'll never understand it but I surely do have it tattooed on my body. Why? Because its the only thing making a way for me. His grace, enduring and abounding, is so profound. A friend said "If you can conceive of it, His grace is bigger." <---TRUTH!
Romans 16:25
Now to Him Who is able to strengthen you in the faith which is in accordance with my Gospel and the preaching of (concerning) Jesus Christ (the Messiah), according to the revelation (the unveiling) of the mystery of the plan of redemption which was kept in silence and secret for long ages,
He is my strength. I recently saw the rest of the verse that starts with "My grace is sufficient for you" which goes on to say "for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Let me talk to you for a minute about His power. There is now way I find myself doing the things I do of my own accord. Not possible. Its just not. I know me. Me alone ain't able. Me and Him together, doing this relationship thing....its the most amazing thing. It is by no means easy. I miss easy in fact. But what I love about what's He's doing is that its peaceful. He quiets my soul, He comforts my mind, He is my constant companion.
Romans 16:27
To [the] only wise God be glory forevermore through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One)! Amen (so be it).
What did I tell y'all about a benediction! I love them. I love the language, the imagery, the reverence. I love what it says here....
"To the only wise God"
He's the only one y'all and I'm constantly seeking Him because I need that wisdom in a torrential downpour in my life. Lord, help me make good decisions that move forward your purpose in my life and when I'm not doing so, be gracious and merciful unto me, which is your character, making a way for me despite myself.
"Be glory forevermore through Jesus Christ"
I'm careful to make sure that its Him that's glorified not me. Its Him and me together but its mostly Him. I'm just trying to be in a position to be used. I want Him to be exalted above all things and if the life I'm leading reflects Him, then I've done what I was created to do.
"Amen"
Put a bow on that! That's done!
So what's on my mind today?
Not letting your feelings control your feet.
Feelings are crazy. How I feel can change on a dime. Yesterday I was having a lovely conversation or debate if you will with on of my fellow Kennedy Queens and she got legitimately mad at me...out of no where in my opinion. I know why she was upset. I can't really understand it fully but I understood that it was a real problem for her.
For me, it was philosophical.
For her, it was everyday life.
What I love about her though is that she didn't let her feelings about how I approached the subject turn into an attack on me. Separating the disagreement from the person is so vital to good communication. Yesterday's message was actually about this. I'll write about that one day. I've got notes and everything!
Okay so that's not exactly where I wanted to go with the feelings conversation. So me and her, made a hard right in our conversation and delved into another topic....one that isn't philosophical for either of us. I was so surprised by some of her insights as well as her opinions. There are time I really wish I was more like her....especially in the "I'm a person, not just a brain" area. Anywho, I was struck by the fact that my feelings want me to do otherwise sometimes. And by otherwise I mean the change and stray and do all types of stuff. My feelings can be up, down, and to the left in a matter of minutes. What I love about having God in me is that He's steady. He's consistent. He's never changing. I can do all the feeling acrobatics I want but in the end, I'm going to let what He says to me control my feet. I've even talked to Him about wanting to do otherwise and He's very clearly said to me "You're not built that way. I know. I built you."
He keeps me safe.
Even when I want to do otherwise, He's right there telling me essentially "hey girl, that's going to hurt you. My plan is always for your good. Also, this conversation you're giving me...you don't mean it. I know you don't. You know you don't. Get back on assignment."
I've got to trust Him in this space. If God's will is what I'm after, I can't start chasing after feelings. That would be the definition of crazy. That's choosing to be outside His will....and that's a smooth never. I may be outside of it but I'll never knowingly leave it. Oh no...not me. What I love about God is that He also won't really let me be too far off. He's invested in this relationship ref. the cross!
Romans 16: 17
I appeal to you, brethren, to be on your guard concerning those who create dissensions and difficulties and cause divisions, in opposition to the doctrine (the teaching) which you have been taught. [I warn you to turn aside from them, to] avoid them.
Oh ok....so Jesus wants me to talk about conflict resolution now? Ok...cool. Let me find these sermon notes lol.
The scriptural reference was Obadiah, the shortest book in the Old Testament. Let's rock some sermon lite! The first concept was the we've got to learn to address our issues without suppressing them. TALK! Don't be over here acting like you don't have a problem .If you have a problem, don't act like you don't. I'm not good at this with my parents. This is probably because I'm also an avoider with them. I just escape the issue rather than addressing it. My issues are usually met with "We're your parents. We don't care how you feel. WE can do/say whatever we want." Yea....that doesn't make for great conflict resolution. Pastor talked about how we should always be looking for a win-win solution. No one has to lose but sometimes that's not possible. I'll get to that in a second. The whole conflict in Obadiah is based on something silly but also based on the fact that there was no communication! Instead of putting pride aside, they kept up the conflict for centuries leading up to the text in Obadiah. That's insane!
We've got to keep talking. And if we don't agree, we don't. Everything ain't for everybody but you won't know that unless you ask. And once you know....you can go. That's what I'm getting from Paul. But you've got to know.
Romans 16:19
For while your loyalty and obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you, I would have you well versed and wise as to what is good and innocent and guileless as to what is evil.
God doesn't just want a loyal and obedient servant. I can do what He asks without any actual relationship with Him. It would be difficult but its possible. What He wants in reality my heart. He wants me to not only follow but be wise. He wants me to follow because I want to not out of blind obedience. He wants me in this relationship, participating. It is my heartfelt prayer that I have a spirit of discernment. I so want to be wise. I want to be able to read situations and be quiet enough in myself to hear the Spirit's direction in them. The trick there is getting quiet. Sometimes I want to do it myself. Can I tell you that never ends well? Yea....quiet is what I'm working on right now.
The thing about the indwelling of the Spirit is that all I have to do is go right there and check it out. There's not elaborate process. Being close to Him in the way I am...this prayer walk, this devotional lets me be about 90 seconds away from actual worship. The closeness is insane. I can be completely transparent all the time because lets be serious...who am I fooling? Not God. I might be fooling myself but He's omnipotent. So yea....He wants deeper parts of me. More of my heart, more of my mind, more connection. Sometimes I wonder how there's space for more but there always is. Theres' always more.
Romans 16:24
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) be with you all. Amen (so be it).
This is a definite part of my prayer life. Grace is such a profound concept to me. I'll never understand it but I surely do have it tattooed on my body. Why? Because its the only thing making a way for me. His grace, enduring and abounding, is so profound. A friend said "If you can conceive of it, His grace is bigger." <---TRUTH!
Romans 16:25
Now to Him Who is able to strengthen you in the faith which is in accordance with my Gospel and the preaching of (concerning) Jesus Christ (the Messiah), according to the revelation (the unveiling) of the mystery of the plan of redemption which was kept in silence and secret for long ages,
He is my strength. I recently saw the rest of the verse that starts with "My grace is sufficient for you" which goes on to say "for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Let me talk to you for a minute about His power. There is now way I find myself doing the things I do of my own accord. Not possible. Its just not. I know me. Me alone ain't able. Me and Him together, doing this relationship thing....its the most amazing thing. It is by no means easy. I miss easy in fact. But what I love about what's He's doing is that its peaceful. He quiets my soul, He comforts my mind, He is my constant companion.
Romans 16:27
To [the] only wise God be glory forevermore through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One)! Amen (so be it).
What did I tell y'all about a benediction! I love them. I love the language, the imagery, the reverence. I love what it says here....
"To the only wise God"
He's the only one y'all and I'm constantly seeking Him because I need that wisdom in a torrential downpour in my life. Lord, help me make good decisions that move forward your purpose in my life and when I'm not doing so, be gracious and merciful unto me, which is your character, making a way for me despite myself.
"Be glory forevermore through Jesus Christ"
I'm careful to make sure that its Him that's glorified not me. Its Him and me together but its mostly Him. I'm just trying to be in a position to be used. I want Him to be exalted above all things and if the life I'm leading reflects Him, then I've done what I was created to do.
"Amen"
Put a bow on that! That's done!
Monday, May 25, 2015
Me, Her, and God
A stream
then a river
makes its way down my chin spilling down the sides of my mouth
making a little pool where my necks meets my chest
My tongue meets warmth
decadent sweet
grounded
untamed
femininity
quivers reverberate as her grip slips
the headboard her only anchor to the ground
my tongue
her connection to the divine
Tidal wave after tidal wave flood down my face
finding my ears
my hair line
any place that it will
her essence handled skillfully
delicately
boldly
without reservation
she
tumbles over the 3rd peak of this mountain range
Sweat trickles down my hand
her back undulating to a rhythm we've created
glistening by street light
Thighs
all around me
thighs
warm, soft, powerful
my head nestled between them
entering a tunnel leading to promised territory
to a place of plenty
a space where no lack exists
ample
abundant
caramel colored
Her nipples press back into my hands
caressing them
I kneed her gently
she needs me ferociously
Sweat trickles down my hand
her back undulating to a rhythm we've created
glistening by street light
Thighs
all around me
thighs
warm, soft, powerful
my head nestled between them
entering a tunnel leading to promised territory
to a place of plenty
a space where no lack exists
ample
abundant
caramel colored
Her nipples press back into my hands
caressing them
I kneed her gently
she needs me ferociously
throbbing
erect
slick
engorged
mucosal membranes exchanging energy
hands firmly gripping hips
maintaining position
babbling descending from her mouth
as she straddles mine
there's more territory to be explored
more valleys
more cliffs
the softness of her belly
which one day will hold tomorrow
striped already
marked with love called biscuits with jam
hush puppies and banana pudding
gorgeously sloping to
desire
the roundness of her where
my hands will rest
finding home there in sleep to come
the softness of her belly
which one day will hold tomorrow
striped already
marked with love called biscuits with jam
hush puppies and banana pudding
gorgeously sloping to
desire
the roundness of her where
my hands will rest
finding home there in sleep to come
But now
My fingers find her path
My fingers find her path
with no resistance
etching into her a map to ecstasy
two
three
four
before the grip my right hand maintained, falters
Brazen and bold
searching and finding
she now takes the reins
and rides into the place we've both been traveling to
the Earth's crust cracks
as I hear only the first syllable of my name
through water
Her core forcing itself deeper into my suction
feeling her quakes reverberate into my jaw
12
15
19 tremors
copious femininity flows from her into me
and me into 500 TC
her skeleton unable to sustain her
she tumbles literally
leaving the throne of my mouth
for the softness of a pillow top
leaving the throne of my mouth
for the softness of a pillow top
gingerly
with great care
her hips are relocated perpendicular to mine
under my power
bringing her face
level with mine
seeing her lashes
breath heavy
these moments
me, her, and God
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Avail Much
One day she'll look at me
and I'll know what its like to be her
to be on the receiving end
of a love so divinely inspired
a sure love
of devotion, fidelity, and loyalty unmatched in our own history
emulating, though falling short of, that which God has shown to us
into tears I'll descend rapidly
without the ability to stop
a squall of torrential rain
racing to meet my chin
and I too
will fall
To my knees in worship
because the prayers I've prayed
about her relationship with herself
about her relationship with God
about who she is in the world
about who we should be to each other
answered
She'll know
having heard Him with a clarity that can shattered glass
She'll know
Like I've known
And then....
the work
begins
and I'll know what its like to be her
to be on the receiving end
of a love so divinely inspired
a sure love
of devotion, fidelity, and loyalty unmatched in our own history
emulating, though falling short of, that which God has shown to us
into tears I'll descend rapidly
without the ability to stop
a squall of torrential rain
racing to meet my chin
and I too
will fall
To my knees in worship
because the prayers I've prayed
about her relationship with herself
about her relationship with God
about who she is in the world
about who we should be to each other
answered
She'll know
having heard Him with a clarity that can shattered glass
She'll know
Like I've known
And then....
the work
begins
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Be My Witness
Y'all know I love belonging. Its so important to me. Can I offer today that belonging matters not only the one who belongs but the one who does the belonging?
A week ago I heard a message called Be My Witness. It was about this very idea.
The scripture comes from Acts 1:8 and reads thusly
But you shall receive power (ability, efficiency, and might) when the Holy spirit has come upon you, and you shall be my witnesses in Jerusalem and all Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth.
So....I was going one direction with this but looking over my notes it seems I'm going two! I love how He does me like that!
These are my thoughts on Pastor's sermon....
If you have been though something and had to honestly, sincerely, and desperately call on Jesus, then you know who He is, what He is, and what He can do. I've been in this place. When I was broken, and Jesus became my literal refuge. He was where I felt safe because if I knew nothing else I knew that He was, is, and always will be good. His will for me will always be what's best for me. His will didn't feel good at the time and I got a little confused as to how His will could be so uncomfortable but I look back on what I'd prayed for and I know the discomfort was for my good. He loves me despite who I am, because of who I am, and more than I'll ever be able to. I was sure of a few things even if most of my life looked like chaos. In that chaos, I clung to the truth of who God is.
Nowadays, I talk about it. God doesn't need me. I need God but it matters that I talk about what I've been through through the lens of a child of God. It matters that I say "You know I fasted and prayed my way through that" or "you know I had to listen to gospel and let the Lord tell me who I am to Him just to get out of bed." Why? Because God has called us to profess our faith in Him. He's called us to tell other's about the God we serve. Not only do we belong to God but He belongs to us. He wants us to claim Him. He's our deliverer. He's our creator. He is in us. The belonging goes both ways.
I'm convinced that telling people about my personal interaction with God is powerful. You know me. You can see me. I'm telling you of someone you can't see. The fact that I can say "This being you can't see has been instrumental in my life in ways I can see" helps unbelief. It even helps my own doubt to see the hand of God clearly moving in my life.
Now the walking on His will thing... when you belong to Him and He's in you and He's told you what He wants you to do, He's going to give you power to walk that out. The Holy Spirit will give you ability or make it so that its possible for you to do what He's asking of you. I'm not the person you think you see on this blog. I'm this person because I let the me in me decrease and the Him in me increase. I'm not very good at it but I sure do want to be. This very scripture is talking about the power that comes with being in His will. The other thing about that is that He's clearly say, as you walk out my will under the power I give you and with the Holy Spirit guiding you, your walk, your lifestyle, your ministry will be a witness to others about who I am. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that other people are watching me huh?
Let's back track a little. The third word in this scripture matters. Shall. What does shall mean? It means its coming. You know exactly where I'm going don't you? Waiting. Yup we're back to waiting. Shall means its going to happen it just isn't happening right now if the Holy Spirit isn't upon you. If He's not in you, invite Him in. The power you need to be in His will, requires you and Him to do some very intimate exchanging of ideas. I've got to know Him to be in His will. I've got to trust Him, that whatever He has for me is ultimately for my good. What I love about God is His word doesn't return void and thus we can believe for things we don't have.
Now if you're believing Him for something you don't have, much like I am, you have to have a promise from Him. To have a promise you've got to be open to His will. The thing about promises from God is they may not be exactly what you want. When the Lord has told me something, it was because it wasn't something I necessarily would have picked for myself. Howard....wasn't something I would have picked for myself. Other areas of my life where I'm believing God for what He's promised me aren't what I would have picked for myself. What I love about this though is that it allows God to move so obviously in my life. It challenges me to grow my faith. Why? Because a promise isn't tangible. Its a going to. Its a yet to be. So often, I want to do my own thing and I pray about that and God's always saying the same few statements to me
"Do you trust me?"
"All things, not some things."
"I've got purpose here"
"My grace is sufficient"
"My will for you is My will"
The Bible says but if a man loves me he keeps my word and my father will come unto him and dwell with him and the comforter will come and will teach us. This is why the indwelling is so important. This is why relationship matters with God. I can't do what He's calling me to if He isn't in me. I don't have the power to walk that out. I'm unable. He's able.
When I think about the indwelling of the spirit, I'm acutely aware of the fact that I had to give up a lot of the control I had in my own life so that my life could be on purpose. All I want to be is in His will but I can't know His will if I don't ask and I can't be in it under my own power. I've got to let Him do it in me. For a long time I was chasing the promises of God. I wanted what He promised and I thought I should have them right then. What He's taught me is that His timing is not only perfect but that I've got some work to do in the mean time. I'm not actually ready for Him to fulfill the promises He's made me. He's made them to grow my faith in Him but that entitlement thing I had going...yea no. He's bringing me everything that's His will for me. I can't be in front of what God is doing and in the mean time, He's empowering me to wait. He's growing my faith and my devotion.
I've got to talk about what God is doing. I've got to tell people He's making a way for me and even when I'm unsure my steps are ordered. Even when my feelings don't align, my feet are in His will. I'm not who I used to be because the process of How God gets you to His will changed me and continues to remold and remake me. I am being continuously redeemed and made better by my relationship with God.
A week ago I heard a message called Be My Witness. It was about this very idea.
The scripture comes from Acts 1:8 and reads thusly
But you shall receive power (ability, efficiency, and might) when the Holy spirit has come upon you, and you shall be my witnesses in Jerusalem and all Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth.
So....I was going one direction with this but looking over my notes it seems I'm going two! I love how He does me like that!
These are my thoughts on Pastor's sermon....
If you have been though something and had to honestly, sincerely, and desperately call on Jesus, then you know who He is, what He is, and what He can do. I've been in this place. When I was broken, and Jesus became my literal refuge. He was where I felt safe because if I knew nothing else I knew that He was, is, and always will be good. His will for me will always be what's best for me. His will didn't feel good at the time and I got a little confused as to how His will could be so uncomfortable but I look back on what I'd prayed for and I know the discomfort was for my good. He loves me despite who I am, because of who I am, and more than I'll ever be able to. I was sure of a few things even if most of my life looked like chaos. In that chaos, I clung to the truth of who God is.
Nowadays, I talk about it. God doesn't need me. I need God but it matters that I talk about what I've been through through the lens of a child of God. It matters that I say "You know I fasted and prayed my way through that" or "you know I had to listen to gospel and let the Lord tell me who I am to Him just to get out of bed." Why? Because God has called us to profess our faith in Him. He's called us to tell other's about the God we serve. Not only do we belong to God but He belongs to us. He wants us to claim Him. He's our deliverer. He's our creator. He is in us. The belonging goes both ways.
I'm convinced that telling people about my personal interaction with God is powerful. You know me. You can see me. I'm telling you of someone you can't see. The fact that I can say "This being you can't see has been instrumental in my life in ways I can see" helps unbelief. It even helps my own doubt to see the hand of God clearly moving in my life.
Now the walking on His will thing... when you belong to Him and He's in you and He's told you what He wants you to do, He's going to give you power to walk that out. The Holy Spirit will give you ability or make it so that its possible for you to do what He's asking of you. I'm not the person you think you see on this blog. I'm this person because I let the me in me decrease and the Him in me increase. I'm not very good at it but I sure do want to be. This very scripture is talking about the power that comes with being in His will. The other thing about that is that He's clearly say, as you walk out my will under the power I give you and with the Holy Spirit guiding you, your walk, your lifestyle, your ministry will be a witness to others about who I am. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that other people are watching me huh?
Let's back track a little. The third word in this scripture matters. Shall. What does shall mean? It means its coming. You know exactly where I'm going don't you? Waiting. Yup we're back to waiting. Shall means its going to happen it just isn't happening right now if the Holy Spirit isn't upon you. If He's not in you, invite Him in. The power you need to be in His will, requires you and Him to do some very intimate exchanging of ideas. I've got to know Him to be in His will. I've got to trust Him, that whatever He has for me is ultimately for my good. What I love about God is His word doesn't return void and thus we can believe for things we don't have.
Now if you're believing Him for something you don't have, much like I am, you have to have a promise from Him. To have a promise you've got to be open to His will. The thing about promises from God is they may not be exactly what you want. When the Lord has told me something, it was because it wasn't something I necessarily would have picked for myself. Howard....wasn't something I would have picked for myself. Other areas of my life where I'm believing God for what He's promised me aren't what I would have picked for myself. What I love about this though is that it allows God to move so obviously in my life. It challenges me to grow my faith. Why? Because a promise isn't tangible. Its a going to. Its a yet to be. So often, I want to do my own thing and I pray about that and God's always saying the same few statements to me
"Do you trust me?"
"All things, not some things."
"I've got purpose here"
"My grace is sufficient"
"My will for you is My will"
The Bible says but if a man loves me he keeps my word and my father will come unto him and dwell with him and the comforter will come and will teach us. This is why the indwelling is so important. This is why relationship matters with God. I can't do what He's calling me to if He isn't in me. I don't have the power to walk that out. I'm unable. He's able.
When I think about the indwelling of the spirit, I'm acutely aware of the fact that I had to give up a lot of the control I had in my own life so that my life could be on purpose. All I want to be is in His will but I can't know His will if I don't ask and I can't be in it under my own power. I've got to let Him do it in me. For a long time I was chasing the promises of God. I wanted what He promised and I thought I should have them right then. What He's taught me is that His timing is not only perfect but that I've got some work to do in the mean time. I'm not actually ready for Him to fulfill the promises He's made me. He's made them to grow my faith in Him but that entitlement thing I had going...yea no. He's bringing me everything that's His will for me. I can't be in front of what God is doing and in the mean time, He's empowering me to wait. He's growing my faith and my devotion.
I've got to talk about what God is doing. I've got to tell people He's making a way for me and even when I'm unsure my steps are ordered. Even when my feelings don't align, my feet are in His will. I'm not who I used to be because the process of How God gets you to His will changed me and continues to remold and remake me. I am being continuously redeemed and made better by my relationship with God.
Friday, May 22, 2015
We of Robust Faith
Apparently, this is what me and God are doing right now. You know how you get on your knees and God's like "This person. Speak their name. Talk to me about them." Yea....He's been doing that a lot recently. its the same person but its just surprising.
Anyway, today I woke up thinking about belonging. Belonging is critical. It was a part of last night's prayer. There's something so powerful about being called a Christian. To use the name of Christ to describe who I am? Seriously? Yes, belonging is powerful. Quite a few people lay claim to my life professionally and personally. I'm humbled by those connections. One in particular blows my mind. You know how you can see yourself in someone else? Yea...I see myself in her. I also see how far off I am from becoming what I need to be.
There are so many places in my life that I need to grow in. I'm selective. Very selective. The version of me that people get in general is a fairly decent person. She's loving and kind and respectful but there's definitely levels to it. I've just recently started praying for more empathy. And last night I prayed about being able to quiet myself to the point where I can hear the voice of God with absolute clarity. There are many things He's shown me or told me but I'm not here for believing the first time. I'm the consummate confirmer. He's faithful in that but I want to be able to believe the first time I hear because my connection with Him is that much of a live wire. What I love about me and God doing our thing is that is alive. Its a living, breathing relationship. He's constantly speaking and I'm constantly saying "Huh? Wait a minute....me? You want me to do that? Say that? Be that?" God is always after me to be more like Him.
Last night I talked to God about equipping me. He's constantly doing it and sometimes I don't know why. Actually often time I don't. As I said last night....I know me. Not as well as He does, but enough to know I'm not worthy. What I love is that the God in me is worthy and makes this human useful in a much larger plan. I'll conclude these thoughts the same way I did last night.
God, I just want to make you smile.
Romans 15:1-2
We who are strong [in our convictions and of robust faith] ought to bear with the failings and the frailties and the tender scruples of the weak; [we ought to help carry the doubts and qualms of others] and not to please ourselves.
Let each one of us make it a practice to please (make happy) his neighbor for his goodand for his true welfare, to edify him [to strengthen him and build him up spiritually].
So last night I didn't actually read this scripture. I read the 16th chapter of Romans. I actually made the conscious decision not to reread this scripture last night. This right here......my my my. I literally just talked to God about this. Y'all know He handles me.
You know how sometimes you want to pray for what you want to pray for? Lord knows I want Him to move in certain ways and make His will known. But what He's shown me is that there is a greater need somewhere else. He's like "I told you these things so you could walk this prayer journey out." And boy is it a journey. In my intercessory prayer time I talked to God about how fundamental it is to understand the very nature of His deity. It gets really real in my prayer time. There are foundational things that He shows me that need repairing. Sometimes they need a complete overhaul. And what I love about God is that He's like "I know what you want, but this is what they need." That is such a humbling place to be because it requires me to be about my Father's business and not about my own. Its my role as the intercessor to pray not for what I want but for what the person I'm praying for needs. What I've found is that if I pay attention, they either tell me or the Lord will lead me right there at my bedside to the prayer I need to be praying. I've just got to get quiet enough.
There's a removal of selfish intention that happens in my prayer life that astounds me. I'm so floored by it but here it is in scripture. I love when the Spirit in me lines right on up with the scripture. God does not confuse me nor does He contradict Himself. He's calling me to do why edifying not for me but for the person I'm praying for. I knew that inside me but I love seeing it in black and white. What did I tell y'all about His faithfulness?
Romans 15:5
Now may the God Who gives the power of patient endurance (steadfastness) and Who supplies encouragement, grant you to live in such mutual harmony and such full sympathy with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus,
Isn't this a beautiful sentiment? Isn't it a beautiful thing to say? Its also true. God truly does give patient endurance. The journey that's led to where I am today in a multitude of areas in my life has required patient endurance. What I love here is that the power of steadfastness is followed by encouragement. Listen.... for those of us that God calls to wait...there can be some serious doubt in there and some not so pleasant feelings. God never doesn't only give instruction but He also gives power to walk that out. When I've reached for Him, He's been consistently there telling me
"Its fine."
"Its working for your good."
"Its my will for you"
"I am more the sufficient."
"My grace will be with you always"
"I am God"
"I've got purpose in this"
"You're going to be alright."
He is my biggest cheerleader. Sometimes He speaks these things through other people but He also tells me directly. This scripture goes on to say that we may live in harmony and sympathy with one another. <--- Lord if this isn't something I'm going to need as a med student. Team work is so important in science. I use to belong to a phenomenal team. I miss them all the time. I'm going to be a part of a new team and I definitely need to have the right mindset going into that. I'm so thankful that I do know current med students who I've talked to about how to navigate certain situations. The one thing about science is that its all on you mentally. Medicine isn't like that. I've got to learn to be less closed off academically. Yea...that's getting added to my daily prayer list!
Romans 15:7
Welcome and receive [to your hearts] one another, then, even as Christ has welcomedand received you, for the glory of God.
Listen....with the new season in my life I've got to make some room. My life is full in many ways. I just don't really have space. But what I've learned is that God will make some. There are a whole host of people coming into my life shortly and I want to be able to be fully present for everything life is about to bring my way. Laboratories aren't like that. We add maybe 2-3 people a year and lose about the same. Its fairly consistent and because my lab also has companies associated we didn't actually lose most of the people. In the 6 years I was there, only 3 people actually left. Lots of people will be rotating in and out and I want to learn as much as I can from each of them and each interaction. I'm hoping to be a better people person as a result of the experience. Its funny that I say that because the people in research always said I was too charismatic and down to earth to be a scientist. My mentor just became a dean because she's such a people person on top of being a boss chemist. I think moving into medicine is my move into the people part.
Romans 15:13
May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I love how a lot of these sound like benedictions. I love a good benediction. I pray one every time I end my evening prayers. There's something about a benediction...they're so yummy to my spirit. Hope isn't something I often harp on. But I definitely have it. Since I'm currently listening to Confidence by Tasha Cobbs I'll go ahead and say that I am so confident in who God is. See, I know God's got me. He's got all of this and its all going to be His very best for me. He's on my side. He is without a doubt my friend and my greatest companion. Because I know these things I have joy but just as importantly I have peace. There are so many places in my life where I could be uneasy. And sometimes I am. But on the good days....I'm so filled with the reality of who God is that I have no choice but to be at peace. He's going to do what's in my best interest every time...even when it hurts. When its downright painful, He's still on my side and He's still making a way for me.
Seeking after Him first allows me to be used for His glory and assured of joy. Happiness isn't always a part of that and that is a critical consideration. I'm not always happy but knowing I'm on purpose and in my purpose...joy. I believe God. Because I do believe Him, I've been able to isolate His hand in my life and that's data. As a PhD I'm always asking "What does the data say?" The data on God says stay hopeful and remain steadfast in your pursuit of His righteousness girl!
Romans 15:18
For [of course] I will not venture (presume) to speak thus of any work except what Christ has actually done through me [as an instrument in His hands] to win obedience from the Gentiles, by word and deed,
All I've got is the knowledge that I know it wasn't me. I know I'm not capable. I know its Christ in me perfecting me and doing this thing with me that equips me and makes me worthy and functional and capable. I 'm careful to give Him the glory because I want people to know. I want to be absolutely clear about the fact that its God and/in me not me alone. Anything I've ever done that's been worth something...that was God and/in me. He's awesome.
Romans 15:22
This [ambition] is the reason why I have so frequently been hindered from coming to visit you.
This will be so true in the coming months. I pride myself on being able to be there for people. I'm basically always available. That stops in July. It'll be hard but He's called me to something that requires intense preparation. I still love you and think about you. I've decided to write letters in lieu of conversation. They'll last longer. They can be revisited. They can be touched and handled. They will speak for me when my preparation requires me to remain silent. I'd love to see your face...but the way God is directing me may make that impossible. I'll see you again love. I'm thinking of and praying for you.
Anyway, today I woke up thinking about belonging. Belonging is critical. It was a part of last night's prayer. There's something so powerful about being called a Christian. To use the name of Christ to describe who I am? Seriously? Yes, belonging is powerful. Quite a few people lay claim to my life professionally and personally. I'm humbled by those connections. One in particular blows my mind. You know how you can see yourself in someone else? Yea...I see myself in her. I also see how far off I am from becoming what I need to be.
There are so many places in my life that I need to grow in. I'm selective. Very selective. The version of me that people get in general is a fairly decent person. She's loving and kind and respectful but there's definitely levels to it. I've just recently started praying for more empathy. And last night I prayed about being able to quiet myself to the point where I can hear the voice of God with absolute clarity. There are many things He's shown me or told me but I'm not here for believing the first time. I'm the consummate confirmer. He's faithful in that but I want to be able to believe the first time I hear because my connection with Him is that much of a live wire. What I love about me and God doing our thing is that is alive. Its a living, breathing relationship. He's constantly speaking and I'm constantly saying "Huh? Wait a minute....me? You want me to do that? Say that? Be that?" God is always after me to be more like Him.
Last night I talked to God about equipping me. He's constantly doing it and sometimes I don't know why. Actually often time I don't. As I said last night....I know me. Not as well as He does, but enough to know I'm not worthy. What I love is that the God in me is worthy and makes this human useful in a much larger plan. I'll conclude these thoughts the same way I did last night.
God, I just want to make you smile.
Romans 15:1-2
We who are strong [in our convictions and of robust faith] ought to bear with the failings and the frailties and the tender scruples of the weak; [we ought to help carry the doubts and qualms of others] and not to please ourselves.
Let each one of us make it a practice to please (make happy) his neighbor for his goodand for his true welfare, to edify him [to strengthen him and build him up spiritually].
So last night I didn't actually read this scripture. I read the 16th chapter of Romans. I actually made the conscious decision not to reread this scripture last night. This right here......my my my. I literally just talked to God about this. Y'all know He handles me.
You know how sometimes you want to pray for what you want to pray for? Lord knows I want Him to move in certain ways and make His will known. But what He's shown me is that there is a greater need somewhere else. He's like "I told you these things so you could walk this prayer journey out." And boy is it a journey. In my intercessory prayer time I talked to God about how fundamental it is to understand the very nature of His deity. It gets really real in my prayer time. There are foundational things that He shows me that need repairing. Sometimes they need a complete overhaul. And what I love about God is that He's like "I know what you want, but this is what they need." That is such a humbling place to be because it requires me to be about my Father's business and not about my own. Its my role as the intercessor to pray not for what I want but for what the person I'm praying for needs. What I've found is that if I pay attention, they either tell me or the Lord will lead me right there at my bedside to the prayer I need to be praying. I've just got to get quiet enough.
There's a removal of selfish intention that happens in my prayer life that astounds me. I'm so floored by it but here it is in scripture. I love when the Spirit in me lines right on up with the scripture. God does not confuse me nor does He contradict Himself. He's calling me to do why edifying not for me but for the person I'm praying for. I knew that inside me but I love seeing it in black and white. What did I tell y'all about His faithfulness?
Romans 15:5
Now may the God Who gives the power of patient endurance (steadfastness) and Who supplies encouragement, grant you to live in such mutual harmony and such full sympathy with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus,
Isn't this a beautiful sentiment? Isn't it a beautiful thing to say? Its also true. God truly does give patient endurance. The journey that's led to where I am today in a multitude of areas in my life has required patient endurance. What I love here is that the power of steadfastness is followed by encouragement. Listen.... for those of us that God calls to wait...there can be some serious doubt in there and some not so pleasant feelings. God never doesn't only give instruction but He also gives power to walk that out. When I've reached for Him, He's been consistently there telling me
"Its fine."
"Its working for your good."
"Its my will for you"
"I am more the sufficient."
"My grace will be with you always"
"I am God"
"I've got purpose in this"
"You're going to be alright."
He is my biggest cheerleader. Sometimes He speaks these things through other people but He also tells me directly. This scripture goes on to say that we may live in harmony and sympathy with one another. <--- Lord if this isn't something I'm going to need as a med student. Team work is so important in science. I use to belong to a phenomenal team. I miss them all the time. I'm going to be a part of a new team and I definitely need to have the right mindset going into that. I'm so thankful that I do know current med students who I've talked to about how to navigate certain situations. The one thing about science is that its all on you mentally. Medicine isn't like that. I've got to learn to be less closed off academically. Yea...that's getting added to my daily prayer list!
Romans 15:7
Welcome and receive [to your hearts] one another, then, even as Christ has welcomedand received you, for the glory of God.
Listen....with the new season in my life I've got to make some room. My life is full in many ways. I just don't really have space. But what I've learned is that God will make some. There are a whole host of people coming into my life shortly and I want to be able to be fully present for everything life is about to bring my way. Laboratories aren't like that. We add maybe 2-3 people a year and lose about the same. Its fairly consistent and because my lab also has companies associated we didn't actually lose most of the people. In the 6 years I was there, only 3 people actually left. Lots of people will be rotating in and out and I want to learn as much as I can from each of them and each interaction. I'm hoping to be a better people person as a result of the experience. Its funny that I say that because the people in research always said I was too charismatic and down to earth to be a scientist. My mentor just became a dean because she's such a people person on top of being a boss chemist. I think moving into medicine is my move into the people part.
Romans 15:13
May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I love how a lot of these sound like benedictions. I love a good benediction. I pray one every time I end my evening prayers. There's something about a benediction...they're so yummy to my spirit. Hope isn't something I often harp on. But I definitely have it. Since I'm currently listening to Confidence by Tasha Cobbs I'll go ahead and say that I am so confident in who God is. See, I know God's got me. He's got all of this and its all going to be His very best for me. He's on my side. He is without a doubt my friend and my greatest companion. Because I know these things I have joy but just as importantly I have peace. There are so many places in my life where I could be uneasy. And sometimes I am. But on the good days....I'm so filled with the reality of who God is that I have no choice but to be at peace. He's going to do what's in my best interest every time...even when it hurts. When its downright painful, He's still on my side and He's still making a way for me.
Seeking after Him first allows me to be used for His glory and assured of joy. Happiness isn't always a part of that and that is a critical consideration. I'm not always happy but knowing I'm on purpose and in my purpose...joy. I believe God. Because I do believe Him, I've been able to isolate His hand in my life and that's data. As a PhD I'm always asking "What does the data say?" The data on God says stay hopeful and remain steadfast in your pursuit of His righteousness girl!
Romans 15:18
For [of course] I will not venture (presume) to speak thus of any work except what Christ has actually done through me [as an instrument in His hands] to win obedience from the Gentiles, by word and deed,
All I've got is the knowledge that I know it wasn't me. I know I'm not capable. I know its Christ in me perfecting me and doing this thing with me that equips me and makes me worthy and functional and capable. I 'm careful to give Him the glory because I want people to know. I want to be absolutely clear about the fact that its God and/in me not me alone. Anything I've ever done that's been worth something...that was God and/in me. He's awesome.
Romans 15:22
This [ambition] is the reason why I have so frequently been hindered from coming to visit you.
This will be so true in the coming months. I pride myself on being able to be there for people. I'm basically always available. That stops in July. It'll be hard but He's called me to something that requires intense preparation. I still love you and think about you. I've decided to write letters in lieu of conversation. They'll last longer. They can be revisited. They can be touched and handled. They will speak for me when my preparation requires me to remain silent. I'd love to see your face...but the way God is directing me may make that impossible. I'll see you again love. I'm thinking of and praying for you.
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