Together
We pray together
We lay, together
We work together
Oh baby
We both come first, but together
But never, oh never ever
I never ever never wanna ever forget to be in love with you
In love with you
I won't forget to be in love with you
We fight, we fuss, we kiss, we cuss, but when its done
baby I'm still in love with you
Promise
I won't forget to be in love with you
We fuss together
Oh yea
One day we'll evenly be making love together
We cry together
Side by side forever
But never
never ever
I never ever never wanna ever forget to be in love with you
In love with you
I won't forget to be in love with you
We fight, we fuss, we kiss, we cuss, but when its done
Baby I'm still in love with you
Promise
I won't forget to be in love with you
Let's love forever
Best friends forever
I won't forget to stay in love with you
-Chrisette Michele
If I whispered what I want for us, it would look like this
That audacity of hope is just that, but its as real as anything I've ever known
Friday, November 28, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Loved Me Back
Today, the church loved me back.
I have spent many years serving in various churches in Omaha and in North Carolina. I've been diligent and dedicated.
I'm devoutly Christian and humbled to offer my gifts and talents in the House of God.
BUT
The House of God hasn't always wanted them.
I'm about to tell an unfortunate truth. The Church doesn't always operate the way it should. In my case....its been interesting.
So let's go back.
I served at an AWESOME church in Omaha. At the church I really grew into who I am as an adult Christian. I took hold of my own faith and deepened my relationship with God in so many ways.
Except....my obsession with getting married. You heard right. I was obsessed.
I wanted to get married SOOOOOOOOO badly. Quite honestly I didn't want to be alone.
This was the time at which I first a) fasted from dating for a year to refocus my life on the Lord and b) concieved of the idea that if my friends and I never got married we could have babies together and raise them together <----first sign that I'd like to raise kids with a woman.
Like most girls, I just assumed I was a heterosexual. I dated boys and I liked them. I liked company. I liked cuddling. I liked not being alone. <---- Doesn't make you a heterosexual. I didn't realize that though so I just went along on my merry way.
Now I'd always taken my faith very seriously and I have been very devout for years. So obviously I remain devout. And I served alot.
Fast Forward
My lab moves and I find another, seemingly awesome church. I served there a TON!
I served there every week doing lighting programming and every other week doing both programming and operating the board on Sundays. Just to give you an idea.....that's 5 hrs every week and 18 hours of the weeks I served on Sundays.
I was pulling a ton of hours and there was slight chatter of a position being opened because I was clearly meeting a need.
Well at the same time in my life I'd started to realize that I wasn't attracted to men in the way most heterosexual women are. And one special lady caught my eye and let's just say I started mentioning her. I'd bring her up with other people brought up their significant others. I even gave people advice about their relationships based on what was working in mine. Yup....I fully integrated my love life into my regular life and when it came time to say something I said...
I'm bisexual.
And when I realized that to be bisexual you actually had to be open to having sex with both men and women, I realized I needed to amend that statement to.....
I'm a lesbian.
Now... all the while I'm doing this in my life and its just kind of washing over into other parts of my life. My work life knew about this lady, church life knew. Everyone knew.
And around that time the conversation just died out about a position at work and I let it.
Only a few weeks later I found out that....
The church hired someone to do that job. Someone who wasn't so you say "technically qualified." I was actually asked why I wasn't doing it anymore and there were complaints. I found out later for a sympathetic friend that they liked his ideas behind theology better and that they suspected I wasn't heterosexual. They hired someone for their lifestyle not their technical ability.
Because Jesus said so much about how only heterosexuals can serve in church and lead people to Christ? (He said no such thing!)
So yea...that hurt.
Fast Forward to Today!
Today I had coffee with the Young Adult Pastor's Wife and the Director of Young Adults. I was asked was there anyone special...
I said their was and I said he is a she.
I told them about her and consequently came out as a homosexual.
And they took it GREAT!
Pastor's wife prayed for me, my life, my career, my Christian community and for my lady. It was astounding. I've never in my life thought that that was a thing. I was so unprepared for the fact that she loved me anyway. And told me so!
I was overwhelmed by the fact that in her prayers for me she'd include my love.
Had I not lived it I wouldn't believe it.
She did say that it challenges her in some areas because she's only seen gay people be defined by their homosexuality and she knows me and knows that my life isn't defined that way. I'm just as devoutly Christian and just as gay. And I told her my Christianity informs my sexuality. I don't behave in ways I feel aren't appropriate for my Christianity despite what gay culture might tell me is ok. I still want marriage and kids, but with a woman.
It was awesome.
And I just got a text message from the Director of Young Adults saying "Is she coming to your graduation in May because I'd love to meet her."
Mind. Blown.
I have spent many years serving in various churches in Omaha and in North Carolina. I've been diligent and dedicated.
I'm devoutly Christian and humbled to offer my gifts and talents in the House of God.
BUT
The House of God hasn't always wanted them.
I'm about to tell an unfortunate truth. The Church doesn't always operate the way it should. In my case....its been interesting.
So let's go back.
I served at an AWESOME church in Omaha. At the church I really grew into who I am as an adult Christian. I took hold of my own faith and deepened my relationship with God in so many ways.
Except....my obsession with getting married. You heard right. I was obsessed.
I wanted to get married SOOOOOOOOO badly. Quite honestly I didn't want to be alone.
This was the time at which I first a) fasted from dating for a year to refocus my life on the Lord and b) concieved of the idea that if my friends and I never got married we could have babies together and raise them together <----first sign that I'd like to raise kids with a woman.
Like most girls, I just assumed I was a heterosexual. I dated boys and I liked them. I liked company. I liked cuddling. I liked not being alone. <---- Doesn't make you a heterosexual. I didn't realize that though so I just went along on my merry way.
Now I'd always taken my faith very seriously and I have been very devout for years. So obviously I remain devout. And I served alot.
Fast Forward
My lab moves and I find another, seemingly awesome church. I served there a TON!
I served there every week doing lighting programming and every other week doing both programming and operating the board on Sundays. Just to give you an idea.....that's 5 hrs every week and 18 hours of the weeks I served on Sundays.
I was pulling a ton of hours and there was slight chatter of a position being opened because I was clearly meeting a need.
Well at the same time in my life I'd started to realize that I wasn't attracted to men in the way most heterosexual women are. And one special lady caught my eye and let's just say I started mentioning her. I'd bring her up with other people brought up their significant others. I even gave people advice about their relationships based on what was working in mine. Yup....I fully integrated my love life into my regular life and when it came time to say something I said...
I'm bisexual.
And when I realized that to be bisexual you actually had to be open to having sex with both men and women, I realized I needed to amend that statement to.....
I'm a lesbian.
One sweet day I'll buy one of these and get down on one knee....
Now... all the while I'm doing this in my life and its just kind of washing over into other parts of my life. My work life knew about this lady, church life knew. Everyone knew.
And around that time the conversation just died out about a position at work and I let it.
Only a few weeks later I found out that....
The church hired someone to do that job. Someone who wasn't so you say "technically qualified." I was actually asked why I wasn't doing it anymore and there were complaints. I found out later for a sympathetic friend that they liked his ideas behind theology better and that they suspected I wasn't heterosexual. They hired someone for their lifestyle not their technical ability.
Because Jesus said so much about how only heterosexuals can serve in church and lead people to Christ? (He said no such thing!)
So yea...that hurt.
Fast Forward to Today!
Today I had coffee with the Young Adult Pastor's Wife and the Director of Young Adults. I was asked was there anyone special...
I said their was and I said he is a she.
I told them about her and consequently came out as a homosexual.
And they took it GREAT!
Pastor's wife prayed for me, my life, my career, my Christian community and for my lady. It was astounding. I've never in my life thought that that was a thing. I was so unprepared for the fact that she loved me anyway. And told me so!
I was overwhelmed by the fact that in her prayers for me she'd include my love.
Had I not lived it I wouldn't believe it.
She did say that it challenges her in some areas because she's only seen gay people be defined by their homosexuality and she knows me and knows that my life isn't defined that way. I'm just as devoutly Christian and just as gay. And I told her my Christianity informs my sexuality. I don't behave in ways I feel aren't appropriate for my Christianity despite what gay culture might tell me is ok. I still want marriage and kids, but with a woman.
It was awesome.
And I just got a text message from the Director of Young Adults saying "Is she coming to your graduation in May because I'd love to meet her."
Mind. Blown.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
At least my degree was free...
because my doctoral regalia is going to cost about $900.
And the real MVP goes to my Daddy who is footing the bill for my regalia cause bruh! Sometimes I think getting married would be awesome and then I remember how my money is set up.....
Daddy pays because I'm single....and single, as in not married, is how a youngster will remain until her money starts to look strong! <--- Facts only!
And the real MVP goes to my Daddy who is footing the bill for my regalia cause bruh! Sometimes I think getting married would be awesome and then I remember how my money is set up.....
Daddy pays because I'm single....and single, as in not married, is how a youngster will remain until her money starts to look strong! <--- Facts only!
One Big Exam
Your defense is an exam. The only exam that will matter. Every presentation, lecture, seminar, and journal club I've ever given has been preparation for Wednesday, November 19th at 9 am CST.
This defense has me up on the Sabbath like its not Women's Day in 8 hours up at my Mom's church.
And she has a solo.
So I'm definitely going.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Trying to get some froyo in peace
Last night I was out with my undergrad, Cakes, and we were trolling.
For frozen yogurt!
Yup we were prowling the streets to get a delectable treat to take back to her place.
So for the full effect, I was wearing jeans and an oversized Nebraska hoodie in grey.
------>Clearly not looking to pick up anyone or even be noticed!
So first off...we were walking to Yo Pump when this car drives up on the side walk. Yes the side walk chile!
Now if y'all don't know anything about UNC-Chapel Hill pedestrians let me start by saying
THEY CRAY They are down right insane. Certifiable. They need medication. Chemistry is the only thing that will help their mental delusions.
Why are they cray?
They're cray because they exercise their right to walk with RECKLESS ABANDON! They will walk right out in front of a moving car simply because they are in the cross walk. They care not that the car is going 30 mph and the driver will have to slam on brakes not to hit them.
Even worse...they do that even when they don't have a crosswalk because why? Because pedestrians have the right of way.
A UNC student would definitely walk out in front of that car even if it was that close to the cross walk. C-R-A-Y!
The thing they always forget is that having the right of way and being RIGHT isn't worth getting injured or dying for. Not this particular right. Now I'm down for the cause with women's rights, civil rights, queer rights, but the right to walk across the street whenever you want? Nope....I'll pass.
Anyway.... so Cakes and I are walking and this car stupidly drives onto the sidewalk. There are 2 parking lots that are attached via this sidewalk that is wide enough for a car and this girl is trying to drive to get out of the parking lot. Needless to say, driving onto the sidewalk isn't the way but she does.
Now I am not a UNC pedesterian. I was trained by my momma and good ol' common sense. If I get hit by a car it will hurt. If the car hits me, it will roll right on over my broken body. In light of that....I started moving towards Cakes so as to avoid getting hit by this car. Cakes continues to walk straight. She doesn't flinch or shuffle. She moves not an inch to the left as the car approaches on the right. As the young ones say "no fucks" did Cakes have for this car.
I did!
I eventually pushed Cakes with my shoulder to get to the left at which point she goes COMPLETELY OFF!
"NO! THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING SIDEWALK! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE IN THIS SPACE AND THIS CARE DOESN"T......." Y'all get it.
Yup Cakes wasn't happy but I wasn't getting hit for any reason.
So we get our froyo and we come out the door when some young White gentleman walks by and says "Hi" to me. I hesitated simply because: Hoodie and jeans. I assumed he couldn't have been speaking to me.
Then he says to his boys "Oh....she dissed me" as I said hi back.
Apparently the hesitation was the diss....
And goes on and on with his friends as Cakes and I walk the other way. Then Cakes looks at me and says.....
"But you don't even like boys. Its not a personal affront. Its the whole subspecies. Its not him. Its you."
iHollered.
Gotta love my undergrad!
For frozen yogurt!
Yup we were prowling the streets to get a delectable treat to take back to her place.
So for the full effect, I was wearing jeans and an oversized Nebraska hoodie in grey.
------>Clearly not looking to pick up anyone or even be noticed!
I just want my froyo!
Now if y'all don't know anything about UNC-Chapel Hill pedestrians let me start by saying
THEY CRAY They are down right insane. Certifiable. They need medication. Chemistry is the only thing that will help their mental delusions.
Why are they cray?
They're cray because they exercise their right to walk with RECKLESS ABANDON! They will walk right out in front of a moving car simply because they are in the cross walk. They care not that the car is going 30 mph and the driver will have to slam on brakes not to hit them.
Even worse...they do that even when they don't have a crosswalk because why? Because pedestrians have the right of way.
A UNC student would definitely walk out in front of that car even if it was that close to the cross walk. C-R-A-Y!
The thing they always forget is that having the right of way and being RIGHT isn't worth getting injured or dying for. Not this particular right. Now I'm down for the cause with women's rights, civil rights, queer rights, but the right to walk across the street whenever you want? Nope....I'll pass.
Anyway.... so Cakes and I are walking and this car stupidly drives onto the sidewalk. There are 2 parking lots that are attached via this sidewalk that is wide enough for a car and this girl is trying to drive to get out of the parking lot. Needless to say, driving onto the sidewalk isn't the way but she does.
Now I am not a UNC pedesterian. I was trained by my momma and good ol' common sense. If I get hit by a car it will hurt. If the car hits me, it will roll right on over my broken body. In light of that....I started moving towards Cakes so as to avoid getting hit by this car. Cakes continues to walk straight. She doesn't flinch or shuffle. She moves not an inch to the left as the car approaches on the right. As the young ones say "no fucks" did Cakes have for this car.
I did!
I eventually pushed Cakes with my shoulder to get to the left at which point she goes COMPLETELY OFF!
"NO! THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING SIDEWALK! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE IN THIS SPACE AND THIS CARE DOESN"T......." Y'all get it.
Yup Cakes wasn't happy but I wasn't getting hit for any reason.
So we get our froyo and we come out the door when some young White gentleman walks by and says "Hi" to me. I hesitated simply because: Hoodie and jeans. I assumed he couldn't have been speaking to me.
Then he says to his boys "Oh....she dissed me" as I said hi back.
Apparently the hesitation was the diss....
And goes on and on with his friends as Cakes and I walk the other way. Then Cakes looks at me and says.....
"But you don't even like boys. Its not a personal affront. Its the whole subspecies. Its not him. Its you."
iHollered.
Gotta love my undergrad!
Just a few more minutes....
I reach out in the middle of the night to feel you next to me until I realized you're only there in my dreams.
So I sleep a little longer.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Data!
Late
Night
Confocal!
Just a girl and her million dollar microscope...oh and my dissertation which I'm also working on. Thankfully, I just have to show up tomorrow and be professionally Black. That doesn't take too much effort ;-)Btdubbs.... its 3:34 am EST!
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Platform
As you guys know, I write.
I write quite a bit actually.
Most of it is my dissertation. I won't force you to read it. I'll drop an abstract on my book when I defend it, but otherwise no.
BUT…..
New development!
I'm a contributing writer over at threelol.com.
Its a blog run by Danielle and Aisha Moodie-Mills.
I'm super excited to be writing over there and I hope you'll come over and see what I've written.
I write quite a bit actually.
Most of it is my dissertation. I won't force you to read it. I'll drop an abstract on my book when I defend it, but otherwise no.
BUT…..
New development!
I'm a contributing writer over at threelol.com.
Its a blog run by Danielle and Aisha Moodie-Mills.
Aisha and Danielle
Threelol stands for Living, Loving, and Laboring out loud and I will be posting there twice a month.
I'll be giving you the scientific perspective on a variety of topics. I obviously have perspectives as a Black person, a woman, a non-heterosexual, and other identities I possess but the prevailing voice over there will be the soon-to-be PhD voice I've been cultivating for the last 5 years.
I'm super excited to be writing over there and I hope you'll come over and see what I've written.
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