I Told You She Was Blown

So my friend stopped by for some baked delectables and she told me this....

"Yo, I had to call my bestie about that 'forsaking all others' thing. Had me totally blown still!"

Girl...I get it.

One of my mentors said this....

"She doesn't know what you've offered her. She can't comprehend it. She can't accept it. There are people that are married that haven't offered that much to their own spouses!"

The more it tumbles around in my head, the more I realize how true that is. There are still places God shows me and says "That's another place where forsaking all others reaches. Is it still true for you?" To be honest, I didn't even comprehend fully what it meant when I said I'd forsake all others. He's still showing me that. He's still probing the recesses of my heart to show me who I am and who I can be in Him. The only reason I believed I could and can commit to that is because I know He's with me, in me, moving me and making me better. He's equipping the called.

The unbelievably moving thing about all of this is

"Yes.
Yes, its still true for me.
Yes, forsaking all others, I'd choose her.
If I ever stop choosing her it'll be because You explicitly tell me to stop."

Its in that space that He challenges my faith and reminds me of the commitments I've made and the timeline He's given me in my waiting.
His Grace in the waiting continues to astound me.
The sufficiency of His Grace is beyond me...its Him.
Its who He is.

Maybe They Do Know Me

Yesterday, Abby Wambach wore the red, white, and blue for the last time.

Today, we had an E-Board Holiday Lunch and we did secret Santa.

Yea....it was super sweet.

Highlights

This one guy, Lam, got our one hijabi Muslim girl a prayer mat with a compass. She cried. Hard.
We had to get another girl to hug her because she can't hug men she's not related to.
At a time when Anti-Islam rhetoric is at its highest, to have an outspoken Christian man give an outwardly Muslim girl a prayer mat, both acknowledging her religion AND respecting it? So proud to be HUCM 2019.
Yup...I was already pretty emotional thanks to Abs and that one got me.

Then....Bert. So Bert is dating a friend of mine and I was surprised that he had me honestly. Nothing was leaked about it.
Then he handed me something that was soft.
Bert got me.....
an Orlando City tee shirt.




Now a little background.... my favorite player is Ashlyn Harris. She played for the Washington Spirit for 3 seasons before she was left available to be picked up by the Orlando Pride for the upcoming season.  Ashlyn wanted to go home...that's the only reason she wasn't retained by Washington, my local club team.  I am new to NWSL so my allegiance lies with USWNT and players I like from that pool. Ash moving AND going to a team with purple as their main color?!?!? Too much!

So I'd mentioned this a few times just as a part of conversation and the Fram got Bert right together.

Orlando City Tee Shirt.
I was blown away. There were tears.

Its been an emotional time for this soccer fan.

Fram be listening. Kudos to Bert with the assist from Fram.
He definitely secured himself a seat at the next dinner party.

Wee Hours

In the wee hours of this morning, I did something I've never done before.

I gave someone access to a part of me that only one person had had access to for so long and you know what? When she asked, I didn't even hesitate.

I love when God brings you into other people's space to influence them positively. I love seeing the work I've done on myself benefit others.

Its amazing what time will do....

The End of an Era, A Bright Future Ahead

When Mia Hamm retired, we lost a game in that victor tour.

                                     

We didn’t lose another game for 104 games. 

11 years unbeaten on US Soil.

11 years, she carried us.

When Abby Wambach retired tonight, we lost the game. 

Its perfect.

The legacy between Mia and Abby, when Abby was handed the keys to the Kingdom and set out to be extraordinary, goes with Abby.

                                       

And she did just that.

She was extraordinary.

She was exquisite.

She rose to the occasion every time we needed her. 

Her aerial game remains unmatched.

She wore the red, white, and blue with pride.

She represented our country with grace and dignity and a uniquely American flair.

She was "Can you believe it?"

She made us believe too.

Tonight was the last night we could say "We have Abby."

The newbies have to make their own era. 

They have to write the future starting with one win.

The game is played one set of 90 minutes at a time.

The next era of the USWNT starts in 2016. 

See you there! 

Next Level

I was talking to a new friend about the way me and God do our thing and I was struck by something that really resonated with her.

We were talking about sex, sexuality, and God and I said something I've said a million times.

I told her that I asked God about sex and relationships and in both situations He'd said to me

Can you say forsaking all others, you'd choose her? If yes, then yes.

That idea "Forsaking all others, I'd choose you" was one that had lost its gravity with me but it blew my friend away.

She was like....

 "Wait....WHAT?
Forsaking everyone else?
As in everyone else in the world?
Girl WHET?!?!?
That's a higher bar than waiting until marriage. That's everything."

And you know what...it is. I'd never considered that its a higher bar than marriage but people cheat all the time. Married people cheat. So you've got the first layer of this standard from God being more than waiting until marriage because many people can't say that they'd forsake all others as a part of choosing to marry their spouse. If this level of commitment was required for marriage, many people wouldn't be able to get married to begin with, Lord help. On top of that God' requiring a deeper part of a continuous abiding commitment to always choose the one you chose from me. God's asking for a LOOOOOTTTT from the kid.

And she kept coming back to it and being like "Girl, I've never been able to say that. I can't say that about my current love interest."

And I said "Girl I know. I've never been able to say it about anyone else. Its why there isn't a simple 'get over her 'in my spirit."

We kept talking and intermittently she came back around to it but I think we can get use to God. That's what this conversation taught me. We can get use to how big and magnificent He is and that's not good. I've also gotten use to Him taking care of me. He knows I need high standard because of who He's made me to be.  I'm too sensitive to be out here sleeping with folks I'm not truly committed to. I just can't be that open with more than one person. I know there are places and times in my life when I could have done otherwise but because I chose and keep choosing His path, I'm safe and I'm whole and I'm loved.

See relationship with God changes the game.

Its my relationship with Him that makes the standard, which is far and above that which is required in the Bible but what I know is....its His best for me. 

I trust Him.

Celebrate Your Successes

Wednesday, I left gross lab early and drove down to UNC with a classmate for the semester celebration of achievements for IME at UNC.

It was interesting for a few reasons.

1. This lady who was working the event was so happy when Kathy announced that one of our special guests (me) had arrived and introduced me as Dr. She came over and congratulated me right then and later on spoke to me about how nice it was to see a Black girl being called Dr.

What struck me about this moment was that I was wearing a bowtie. I had on a dress shirt, a vest, slacks, and a bowtie. That didn't seem to matter. For this lady, she saw herself, a Black woman, in me and how I choose to show up in the world didn't phase her. I love that. I love that we've moved past presentation to substance in some cases.

2. When she found out I was at Howard she was supppppper inpressed. She was like that's where all the smart Black people go.

I love that too. Because it challenges many strongly held notions. I've studied under one of the greatest nanoscientists in the world. I've been a part of the Ivory Tower for 7 years. But this woman...this woman, who worked at the Alumni Center at the flagship institution of the UNC System, was impressed because I go to Howard for med school. How cool is that?

Smell the Roses

He slowed me down at a time when I needed it.

He forced me to put one foot in front of the other because I couldn't look down at his sweet face and not keep going.

In the midnight hour, when I wanted to dwell on things that weren't going right, I'd feed him, change him, and cuddle him and while I was taking care of him, I was taking care of myself.

He let me love him with the reckless abandon.

He still does that.

I love you CJ.

                                     

I'm so thankful to have spent so much time nurturing you and watching you grow.

Happy 1st birthday little guy! 

What'll Be Different?

This song really moved me because its one of the pillars upon which I base romantic love. I've said repeatedly that I want devotion, fidelity, and loyalty in my future and I've always thought devotion was so important. I know love is a synonym for devotion but devotion has more depth.

         "I love God" is interpreted differently from "I'm devoted to God." I'm intentional about saying I'm a devout Christian for this reason.

Imagine you meet me in 5 years and I start talking about my wife and say

"I'm devoted to her." 

Wouldn't that give you a different idea about the tenor of my relationship with her? It should. It's meant to.  I want to weave that into the fabric of our union. I want to be that couple that radiates God's devotion and sacrifice to and for us through our marriage. I want that.

Devotion. Fidelity. Loyalty. 

I'll forever be whatever you want me to be
I'll go under and all over for your clarity
When you wonder if I'm gonna lose my way home
Just remember, that come whatever
I'll be yours all alone...

I wasn't ready then
I'm ready now
I'm heading straight for you
You will only be eternally
The one that I belong to

The sweetest devotion
Hitting me like an explosion
All of my life
I've been frozen
The sweetest devotion I've known

I've been looking for you, baby
In every face that I've ever known
And there is something about the way you love me
That finally feels like home

You're my life, you're my darkness
You're the right kind of madness
And you're my hope, you're my despair
You're my scope, everything, everywhere

What'll be different next time? We will both be offering this to each other.  

Don't Go

Don't Go <-- That's the sentiment I see from Alex, protege of the USWNT G.O.A.T. Abby Wambach.

I get it girl. I totally get it.

I was so incredibly proud of YiLing when she defended her PhD. I was also terrified. YiLing inspired me every day. Let me take you back.....

YiLing was the first friend I made in Omaha. Her desk was next to the one I was assigned to and I started talking to her and never stopped. She's unequivocally my grad school bestie. We were inseparable.

This is the 1st pic I ever took of her...she refused to look at the camera! 

The first time she went on a real vacation to China, she left a few weeks before I joined her in China and I got NOTHING done.

Zilch.

I was essentially non-functional in lab without her. And I was miserable. No lies, it was the worst.

Thankfully, I grew up and became a better scientist and learned how to not need her to motivate me to do actual work.....but I still needed her.

Our lab moved and YiLing didn't. Thankfully, by the time our lab was fully set up, my PI had a change of heart and brought YiLing down from Omaha and we were reunited. Honestly, me and YiLing are better together scientifically.

Though our research didn't overlap our skills did. I wrote and she did that math. Together we were genius! Over time, I learned to do more math and YiLing learned to both write in English and speak conversationally. She actually uses Black/gay slang and its most hilarious.

Then....she was ready. She was ready to defend and graduate and move into another lab across campus as a postdoc. That's where you are right now. Abby is leaving. YiLing left too. Can I tell you you'll make it? You will. There will be tears and emails and phone calls and "I miss you's" but you've had years together. I had 4 with YiLing and you've had 5+ with Abs. You'll be okay I promise.

It still brings tears to my eyes the years I spent with YiLing: The trips around the country, the road rage in Boston, our time in China on the Great Wall and in her home town, teaching her how to swim (still working on that one) and drive (she's pretty good at that now!), all the lunches served to us by her mother when she visited Omaha for 6 months, Mom picking out my clothes, our heartfelt goodbye to only be reunited a few months later in my home state, Yi's defense, bringing her to my church, the words she said about me in front of my whole church congregation about how I inspired her  to accept Jesus (tears now), her leaving the lab but not really leaving (lol) and now she's having a baby!

There will probably always be tears but they'll be happy ones. You'll still be great without her and you'll always know she walked the path with you that got you where you are today.

I know the scientist I am is in large part due to the kind of scientist YiLing is. And she's brilliant y'all. Truly.

Thanks YiLing!

Alex, you'll be okay. In fact, you'll be better because you knew her, loved her, learned from her, and grew with her.

I know I am.

You Never Know Who's Listening

Tonight, I was reminded of why its important to tell your story.

I got a desperate text from a classmate about someone having suicidal thoughts who wanted to "Be left alone for a while" and what they should do for them.

Why did I get this message from someone who has known me less than a year?

Because I told my story. Telling the truth matters. Letting people see you and know what you've been through is valuable. When my classmate didn't know what to do, she found my phone because I hadn't been shy about sharing my struggles and the struggles of others.

I make the conscious decision to wear clothes from TWLOHA that openly speak about how important everyone's story is and that we need to love on folk. I openly support a movement that directly deals with depression, suicide, and self harm.

I'm so thankful that God has allowed me to be in the spaces and places I've been in to experience a myriad of situations and be able to give sound counsel. The God I serve is so powerful but also infinitely loving with grace and mercy that abound endlessly. It is in that reality, that I find myself able to extend to others what He's given me. All I'm speaking is truth Beloved. I'm just glad y'all can hear it.

And my classmate's friend is safe tonight.

Lord,
Let your loving mercy and your grace be ever present with those who find themselves in need. Help those who need somebody to admit that they do and let those they reach out to be ready and willing and capable of being someone else's light in darkness. Empower those who can't see their way clear to ask for direction and those who feel like they're the blind leading the blind to know you equip the called. Be ye ever present in our levity and our deep thoughts, always bringing our minds under the power of the Holy Spirit that we may know the truth which is we are so valuable to you that you sent your Son to die for the opportunity to be in relationship with us. Help us to feel your love in a tangible way. And Father, let not your servant's shortcomings hinder the Word you have sent forth through me.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Like a Diamond

Sometimes I think its hard to convey to someone who you don't know very well who you are.

Yes, you may know I love hard but the implications of that are vast.

I'll just say this....

I told my parents I want to marry a girl.

I would have proposed to her.

I would have spent the rest of my life with her.

I can say yes to this with her...

You can't know what I've lost because you never knew what I had.

The way I was with her was profound.

We aren't the same.
I love viscerally.
I saw my whole future with her.
I've lost much.

Respect that.

We be in the City!

Epic Group Cuddles

And naps

Mom put it down

3 of my faves: The Jerk Sauce, Collards, and Mac and Cheese

My sweet tooth wanted me to take this pic!

Mac attack!

Laudure

Central Park Stuntin'

Deconstructed

Me and Wodes

Tew much...

Photobombing the Rheems

Tired ones...

The group slay!