Hope Less

Me and God aren't where we were two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, my life changed.
Nothing draws me to my knees like believing what I believed for 2 years. Nothing ever has before.
I'm hoping something will once more.

But for now, my prayer life is different.
It takes an entirely different level of prayer to sustain a belief that has no evidence.
If you're clinging to faith is the substance hoped for and the evidence not seen, you've got to be in the Throne Room everyday because you need that exchange to fuel you.

I don't believe anything nearly as audacious now.
Its not that I don' believe but more so that I've resigned myself not to hope so audaciously.
And it is sad.
But the sustained energy required to live the way I lived for two years is a lot.
I'm tired.
I'm just coasting along right now.
I'm doing what's easy for a little while.

I do hope that something else drives me to prayer the way I use to be driven.
But today....today we just talk about my day and about school.
Today we talk about how angry I am to have done all that spiritual work and all the heavy lifting only to watch someone else benefit from my work.
Today....all I can do is today.

When Jesus said follow me, the disciples saw everything they ever wanted and joyfully surrendered all they had. What would it look like to truly surrender without reservation, without caution, and give in fully, not to an idea of God, but to God himself?

I saw this quote and thought
"I do surrender to God.
I just don't hope as much."

Outsider

Sometimes I feel indicted because of the way I come to my sexuality.

I needed Jesus.
As a kid, I didn't feel pretty and I needed more affirmation of my value aside from being smart. I had a lot of emotional needs that weren't being met. So when someone said He'll be your comforter and your friend and your strong tower, I ran with it.

I've clung to my faith like dew to a rose for as long as I can remember.
Because of my faith, I've been able to navigate some things a little differently.

Instead of being caught up in my feelings about other women, when I became serious about pursuing a woman I went to God.

I fasted and prayed and waited.
I only listened to religious music, consumed no sexual content of any kind, and read my Bible.
I wrote a daily devotional.
I dedicated myself to getting this answer.
I waited on God and He answered me.
"Forsaking all others, I choose you" is the standard by which I live.

I never really made any moves towards homosexuality before I was sure that God was cool with it and because of that I'm an outsider.

I'm not like the rest of the gay community.
I'm the lesbian who wants to marry a woman and hasn't ever actually kissed a girl.
I'm the lesbian who wants a family and a life with a woman and hasn't ever slept with one and doesn't intend to before marriage.

My religion informs my sexuality and my sexual expression, NOT the other way around.

I'm weird.
And because I've needed Jesus more than I needed orgasms, I identified with Christianity way more strongly than homosexuality. All I really saw of homosexuality was promiscuity.

What I desired for my marriage was and is way more closely aligned to that of my conservative Christian friends. I never wanted to buck the system, I want to be included in it.

I want to be at the marriage retreat at my church, eyes filled with tears, renewing my own commitment to my wife and my marriage in a sea of other couples making the very same commitments. I don't need homosexuality centered in my faith...I just want it included.

So no, I haven't read a ton of gay theology because I didn't need it. I don't have anything to look back at and feel guilty for. At not point in any gay relationship I've been in or will be in have I ever thought that I was committing a sin. The weight of sin or even thinking I was committing a sin while understanding now that it wasn't isn't a part of my life.

No parts of my homosexuality have ever conflicted with my religion because I asked God first.

And that makes me the odd man out. I've got more in common with the man who waited until his wedding to kiss his bride than I do most gay people.
So its hard.

A friend of mine, who reads this blog, said that empathy and understanding aren't my strong points. I disagree. I'm a phenomenal friend and I understand plenty.
I think the real question is "What do you want me to empathize with?"
That's where I struggle.
I just don't really understand why people didn't just ask God first?
Instead of getting out here and acting, why not ask?
And if your answer is "I didn't think it was okay to do what I was doing" then why didn't you stop?

Sin hurts your relationship with God and it hurts you.
If you're doing something that hurts you, stop doing it.
Reassess.

So yea...my empathy may be lacking in this area but I think that's because I've had this fundamental belief that if God says no then no is His best for you.
I trust that. I've trusted it to the tune of crying myself to sleep for 6 months. I'm not out here telling you to do something I've never done and never been deeply hurt by in the interim but I can tell you in the end its better for you.
But I know a lot of people aren't there on their trust walk with God. So if you're going to God and you think He's going to tell you no about something you really enjoy, you might not be able to see how that no is for your good. Thats another reason not to act cause then you don't really know what you're missing.

Anyway...I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to empathize. Its a lot easier with patients because I don't really care what they do. My general operating mindset is that patients are nasty any way. Patients don't surprise me.

With people I know in other parts of my life...its harder. Its especially more difficult for me with people who I know know God but decided to do this thing the hard way.
I'm not judging you.
I just don't live my life that way and so it seems that people feel judged by my existence.

I may be an outsider but I'm still a lesbian.
I think that as long as my religion supersedes my sex life, I will be and that's okay with me.

Hope vs. Reality

She said to me "I always told you I wasn't that great."

I responded with "Yea well....I always thought you could be."


And that really sums it up.

I always believed in the best in her and the best for her.
She never did.

Work In Progress

I'm still working on wanting to be with Nia more than the girl I loved.

I like Nia a lot.
The thing is, I've always had long breaks between dating people so I never have been in essentially a break up and also starting something new.

Before I fell for my high school sweetheart, I'd never had a serious boyfriend.

When I fell for my high school bestie, she was the only girl I was with until she moved for school.

I was single 8 months between my high school and college sweethearts.

I was single for 7 years before I fell for the last girl I loved.

The last girl I loved, I still love.

I was still hoping to get back with her up and until last week when she got engaged to someone else (an engagement she still hasn't announced but whatever).

All the while I was talking to Nia.

So yea...this is new territory for me.

But I really like her.

I'm just still working on liking her and wanting to be with her more than I want to be with the girl I loved.

I'm working it...

About A Girl

So remember when I said I'd write about this date....well here it is!

We went to the Winter Formal for the Med school this past Saturday and it was a hellish day prepping.

I had to get my car washed and detailed. I bought her my favorite book, My Sister's Keeper, instead of flowers.

She got me lilies. My living room smells like lilies now :-)

So we went and had a good time. She said after she wished she'd danced with me not like a friend but I danced with her like she wasn't my friend. 

Its interesting because I think she's far more physical than I am. Its not that I'm not physical but more so that I've been celibate for 9 years. She wants to be celibate in this situation and potential relationship. Celibacy is a journey. I've actually laid in the bed next to the person I most wanted to sleep with in the whole world, had her attempt to sleep with me, and I refused because she would have been cheating with me. I know without a shadow of a doubt what it means to have self control and to pray ALL NIGHT LONG.

She doesn't. I'm trying to save her some of the harder stuff but I'm not sure she realizes that. 

I could tell when I left her house after learning to play dominos that she wanted me to kiss her. 

I didn't.

First, I don't kiss people who I'm not in a relationship with.

Moreover, you don't want to start kissing folks too early when the full extent of sexual expression that you'v agreed to is basically making out. Like I said, I've got 9 years in the a game but she's got months in the game. Let me help you help yourself. 

She's coming over Friday for dinner and probably a movie...maybe a puzzle. 

I'll update y'all after!

Be Bold

You must never be fearful about what you are doing when it is right.

~Rosa Parks

Resurrected with Him

"....When you have finished your Assignment, and you are being blessed, people will get jealous of you. But they don't know the price you paid..."

~Bishop Ernestine Cleveland Reems

Third Dates and Parking Passes

So this evening...I'll be going on my third date with a girl I'm actually interested in. When I was still waiting, I met this girl and we almost naturally fell into a relationship. So naturally, I didn't even realize it was happening.

One date turned into two and then we were on the phone for 3 hours on my way back to MD. And suddenly I found myself a hop, skip, and a jump away from being in a relationship while saying I was waiting.
So I paused it.
I slowed it way down.
And I studied.
And I worked all the shifts I could in L&D and clinic.
And I'm just a few days shy of getting my very first H in a medical discipline.

I'm also not waiting any more. So I picked up the phone. Thankfully we'd already planned to go to the winter formal but we were meeting there.

I decided...and maybe to some degree it was decided for me, to give her a real chance.

And we've been talking non-stop since the waiting ended.

I can absolutely tell that I'm different...I don't quite know if she can but I can. I never thought this day would be here but here it is. I don't necessarily think she's the one, but I will say that she could be. I will say that I like being around her and there are a lot of areas in my life and in hers that line up really well. There are a lot of deeply held beliefs that we share.

So when I get up in the morning, I'm getting my car detailed and picking up some flowers.

I'm packing a bag because after the formal, we're going to her house and she's going to teach me to play dominos.

I'm going to put on some make up, do my hair, and go get my date from her house and take her to meet my friends from school.

Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

Cheers!

PS I will be back to write about it after. You know this!

Click the Link....

I Won't Complain

Better Able

As you become more clear about who you really are, 

you'll be better able to decide what is best for you 

-the first time around.

~Oprah Winfrey  

And Then We Said Goodbye

Goodbyes aren't always easy.
This is the longest breakup I've ever been in.....
nearly 2 years in the making.

But ultimately, we both wanted different things. We both wanted something from the other that the other wasn't willing to give. And that's okay.

I still love her. She still loves me. But we can't be in relationship with each other... not when what we each want out of that relationship is so different.

What I know is...we had a good run.
We were friends for decade.
Through ups and downs, we were there for each other.

Maybe in 5 years, we can be friends.
I'd like that.
We both would.

Until then...
I love you.
Good bye

Who Are You?

Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. 

~Cicely Tyson

Oh Really?

And then she said "When I met you I thought you were a blessing, like God was looking out for me."

Stay tuned!

Welcome!!!!!!!

Hey guys! I changed my URL! This is my old blog but its going to be the run up to STEP and beyond! I got my scheduling permit today so that's that for the next 4+ months.

It Is Finished

I ran the race.
I did my part.
I didn't waver.
I was in the middle of God's will for me.
I did what was asked of me.
It's finished.

An Unbiased Interpretation

Yesterday, I talked to someone I trust who gave me a different interpretation of a scripture I'd read.

She looked at the story of Mary of Bethany and said "I interpreted this as an act of cherishing Jesus."

When I told her my initial reading was that she offered Christ something valuable but then she left, she offered me this.....

"I think you're reading it a particular way. The act itself was one of love. Also alabaster stones are strong. They were used to seal stuff up."

And then she said "And your Psalm today, I read that as God doesn't want you hurting. He's sending you a person with a good heart that WANTS to be with you. Maybe it won't work out but I truly believe you need someone who appreciates you."

I appreciate people like that, people who can take the Word of God and show you another side of it. People who can expose your bias and challenge you. Its why I talk so openly about the Bible, because  I'm not always right but I think God can take you somewhere to somebody who might have a better interpretation than you.

Weaponized Kindness

My wish for you is that you continue. 

Continue to be who you are, 

to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. 

~Maya Angelou

MONEY!

So.....yesterday I won a scholarship!

I was awarded a scholarship by the HU Medical Alumni Association and its awarded to "a sophomore student in good standing who has lived in North Carolina for 10 years prior to attending medical school."  <-- Don't know how that's a criteria but I'll take it!

So yea....I'm getting a check in March!

Saving that bad boy for my trip to ATL!

Love is Love

I will not cower or be afraid in the face of discrimination against me for who I love.
I will simply make choices in my life that allow me to live with joy.
I will not lie about who I love.
I will be proud of my future marriage, my future family, the life I pray to create.
I will not be ashamed.
I will not be intimidated.
I will not.

I know that I'll be in the center of what God has for me when I'm married to my love.
That truth will ground me.
It is the foundation upon which I will step out in the world and claim my birthright:
To love and be loved.

It won't be easy.
We weren't promised easy
But possible
and peaceful.
When God calls you, He also equips you to walk that out.
Me and her, we're going to strut!

Truth

I'd give you forever, a lifetime at a time.

~Philise

Pleasing

I know I write a lot about religion.
I know I write a lot about righteousness and integrity.

But I want y'all to know that along with the integrity that's foundational to the way I feel about my love, there's also "Damn she's so fine and I can't wait to taste her from every angle" in there too.

I hear people say "Don't be so heavenly minded that you're of no earthly good" and I just want you to know that just like my prayers for her are deeply important to me, my ability to please her will be also.

Valentine's Prayer for My Future Wife

Lord,

You're amazing. You're so worthy of praise and adoration. You have done so much for us already. I'm so grateful that the veil was torn that I might have the opportunity to have a relationship with You. I'm so in awe of the fact that You wanted a relationship with me at all. I'm so thankful for the precious blood of Your Son, that washes away all my sins and creates in me a clean heart. Continue to move in my heart as only You can and make me a better person. I love you God and I'm so grateful to be known by You. You have been so awesome to me and for me. This relationship continues to astound me. That Your Son went to the cross that I might have the inheritance of a child of God is mind blowing. You are so incredible and your love is more than I'll ever be able to hold in my mind. I'm so grateful to know that if I can think if it, Your grace is bigger.

God, I come to you now about my wife. You know I love her. I'm so astounded that you choose me for her and I pray that the You in me will always be greater than the me in me. She is your prized possession, Your Beloved. You would have gone to the cross for her alone. I want her to know how much You love her. That You seek to do the best for her. Lord, allow her to find You when she seeks You. Be as close to her as her next breath. Be her friend, her comforter, her strong tower, and her peace. Help her to know you more intimately and rely on You. Your Word says seek ye first the kingdom and I pray you put the desire in her to seek after You always. When she's scared, I pray she reaches towards You. When she's lonely, I hope she knows You as a friend. Lord continue to grow in her a desire for Your Word and for relationship. Help her to know that no question is too small, no concern too frivolous to take to You. God, You're concerned with the things that concern us and that in and of itself is astounding. Help her to know You're always there. You'll catch her when she stumbles and You'll never be far from her. Continue to be all that You are in her life and give her a thirst for your Word and relationship with You. I know You love her more than I'll ever be able to and I want her to be as sure of that as she is of her own name. I pray that she knows that your mercies are new every morning, that each and every day You treat us not as we deserve but out of Your nature. You're so much more than I can really handle but I'm grateful for your all encompassing-ness. Continue to be with my wife in all ways, helping her and guiding her to do the things You'd have her to do. Be her ever present help and the steady hand she needs when she's unsure. I'm so grateful for the way You love her.

Let not my human frailty hinder my prayer oh God.  May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you God. Help me to continue to strive towards You and be what You want me to be. I love You.

Amen

A Church Home and other musings

It was 2 am when the Lord was like.....

nudge nudge 

WAKE UP and talk to me!

And so I did. We talked about so many things. 

About my Baptism and I was telling Him how grateful I am to belong to a church that loves me completely.  How I'm so thankful to have found Mt. Ennon and a pastor who has read the Word of God and knows what it says. 

Let me tell y'all about my pastor. 

Delman...Delman makes me so proud. There are so many things I know from God about who I am and what it means to be both religious and gay. My pastor gets that.

When the Orlando Massacre happened he tweeted the following when uneducated pastors said it was due to homosexuality. 

"The idea that Orlando is the result of support for LGBTQ rights is ludicrous, and morally and theologically reprehensible."

"Please do more to study the Hebrew, Greek, and historical contexts of scripture before you make these unfounded platitudes."

"Too many LGBTQ Americans are losing their lives to violence and suicide for this kind if rhetoric to go unchecked."

"As a pastor and Biblical scholar there isn't one passage in the bible(sp) that condemns homosexuality. Please study more."

"found your scope on Orlando very problematic and theologically troubling. Your rhetoric about gays and lesbians is unbiblical."

"Despite popular opinion, the scripture does NOT condemn homosexuality. As a Pastor and Bible Scholar I encourage you to study more."  

"All the passages typically used to condemn homosexuality actually comedy acts of sexual violence and exploitation. Study more."

He also said 

"We must do more than pray in response to Orlando. We must pass gun reform legislation and challenge unbiblical Anti-LGBTQ rhetoric.

Christian anti-LGBTQ rhetoric is just as dangerous to our way of life in America as "radial Islam." #HateisHate

My pastor brings that kind of leadership to our church. He includes me and my future marriage in his sermons. If I really wanted to get married in the sanctuary (which seats a few thousand people) I could. That kind of inclusivity....being about to bring my whole self is so edifying. 

When what I knew about God lined up with Mt. Ennon, I knew I'd found my church home. 

So yea....I'm thrilled to be a Baptist now! 

We talked about my love...because we always talk about her. I pray about our future together separately from praying for her as an individual. We talked about both. I'm sharing a Valentine's Day Prayer for her tomorrow so check that out! 

We talked about my hopes and dreams. 

We talked about why He created me the way He created me. 

We talked about my Grandma and my Dad. 

We talked about integrity and right standing in Him.

I told Him about the challenges of being faithful when no one else seems to believe.

I'd heard a sermon where the scripture "help my unbelief" was included. That's a regular part of my prayer life. Lord I believe, I've believed, but help my unbelief. I'm human. I'm not always able but the You in me is. 

This weekend was the highest of highs and the lows. 

I love that God gives us mountain top experiences so that we can be ok in the valley. 

Push Forward

Be not discouraged Black women of the world but push forward, 

regardless of the lack of appreciation shown to you.

I'm a Baptist!

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?2 By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7 because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10 The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness,but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.14 For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! 16 Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Romans 6:1-18

Voicemails

So....the voicemail thing told me it was 92% full so I went on a deleting spree when I came across the last remaining voicemail from Sarah.

Do you remember Sarah, my best friend who went to Pratt? She drew one of the tattoos I have on my body.

The one that's not Shannon is Sarah, aka the tall one.

We don't talk anymore.
Not because we don't like each other but because Sarah's very afraid of having close friendships following the suicide of her ex boyfriend.
She's been in counseling for it for years.
She's still not ready.
She's still my best friend.
Even though the last time I talked to her was before I came out, she's still my best friend.
Actually I basically came out to her about falling for my love in our last phone conversation.
But yea, she's still my bestie.

On the voicemail Sarah says "I miss you. I love you."

I miss you and I love you too Sarah.
I'll be here when you're ready.

Cocoon Required

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, 

but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

An If the size of Cherry County, NE

One of my regulars and my friend in real life (who reads my posts and then just walks up to me and hugs me in the middle of the hall way...love you girl!) asked me a question I wanted to explore on here.

Her question was: Do you think the girl you're in love with reads your blog?

My immediate response was no.

Of course not. Why would she?

But then I got to thinking....

I don't know if she reads it but here's what I do know.

She's in a relationship of some sort with someone else.
If she reads my blog then she knows exactly how I still feel about her, that I still pray for her, that I'm still believing God that we're going to be together and that I've got all these scriptures to back that up.

If, and that a huge if, she reads my blog then there are a few things that must be true:

1. She's still trying to decide of she believes all the things I'm saying God's told me about us

OR

2. She believes but isn't ready to start a relationship with me/is waiting to hear from God for herself even though she believes me

OR

3. She believes/has heard from God about us but thinks its too much work to be with me/she's comfortable with settling

Because honestly, if she's serious about the other girl, then she shouldn't be interested in my inner most thoughts, prayers, and desires for a future marriage with her. If she were to still be interested in reading this, that would be kinda crazy. Why would she want to know how I feel about her if she's certain she'll never reciprocate those feelings?

I'll put it this way.
I'm absolutely sure about her both in my heart and spiritually.
In 2+ years, I've never once thought she wasn't going to be my wife.
I wasn't sure how that was going to happen, but I've always believed.

If we were together, that's it.
If someone was writing about me the way I write about her, I'd have no interest in it.
I'd never read it.
I'd already have the one my soul loves.
What would be the point?

Not Easy To Come By

The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within- 

strength, courage, dignity. 

~Ruby Dee

Lessons from my Grandma

The people I actually look like!

My Grandma taught me two very important lessons.

Lesson 1: Food is love.

As many of you know by experience, I love through food. You know I love you if you've sat at my table for one of my amazing (if I do say so myself) dinner parties. And you know what? I know they're amazing because y'all bring tupperware. Y'all don't play lol.

Grandma taught me that. She made me breakfast every morning and it was always from scratch. Cheese eggs, grits, buttered toast. My love of butter? Born while churning it on the back stoop. Then there was cheese for a snack, lunch, dinner, and my very own pie. Yes child....I got my own pie and at the tender age of 8 my Grandma smacked my Dad's hand and told him he had to ask me if he could have a piece of my pie. A full kitchen table....a house filled to capacity with the smells of fresh lard and herbs....that's big love. That's the love she showed me. In turn, that's the love I show y'all.

She taught me that food is love. She showed me that food is love. She's the reason I became who I am in the kitchen. I wanted to love people, so I cook for y'all.  You can thank Grandma.

Whatever he was saying...she wasn't buying it lol.

Lesson 2: Your Body is Fine

I told my Grandma how my mom's family was picking on me because of my weight and how they asked me how much I weighed. She said to "Next time they ask, tell them enough."  And that's what I've lived by ever since. I weigh enough. You can stay mad! I take after my Dad's family and I'm very proud of it. She equipped me with the tool I needed to rebuff basically all the old people on the other side of my family.

By extension, she also taught me that what I find attractive is okay. Though I never explicitly told my Grandma that I'm gay (She knows now!), the fact that I always believed I was okay extended to the fact that the women I find attractive are as big or bigger than me.<--That's perfectly fine!  I've always known what I found attractive is acceptable because I knew that I was. And to be honest, I'm pretty bold about it. I've told girls to their face that they're too small for me. (I'm cold sometimes lol)

I own my size and I own my sexual desire to be with someone I find attractive by my own standards.

These two critical pieces of who I am are distinctly from my paternal grandmother, the only one I've ever known.

Breakfast: Grandma style

There's a pound of butter in here. Butter is love!

Me and the Gs!

Beautiful just the way you are!

Her legacy of food and body positivity will live on in me.

Always Have Been

I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been. 

~ William Golding

Walk That Out

Its still God.
Its still prayer.
And when you know, you follow.
You've got to be willing to ask a hard question
and
hear an answer you weren't expecting.
Because this is God.
You can't know His mind. But His mind knows what best for you.
When you know, you've got to follow.

You cannot know the truth of God and not follow it, or else you're on your own.
Its one thing when you don't know you're out, but when you know and you make a decision?
That's crazy.

On Purpose

I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.

~Audre Lorde

HUCM's Gift to My Education

I went to an awesome talk tonight called #WhataDoctorLooksLike at Georgetown and I have just one thing to say....

I'M SO GLAD I GO TO HOWARD!!!!!!

These poor students and the racial bias and unconscious bias they deal with is not a game. 

Never have I walked into a room and had my professor assume I was there to clean AND say "You can start over there in the corner."

Never have I walked into my hospital and had someone assume that I wasn't a student.

Never have I assumed that because someone referred to me as "sweetie" that they were demeaning me or attempting to make light of my accomplishments. 

Never have I been told I couldn't be a surgeon because I'm a woman, much less a Black woman.

Never have I had to face all these different ways in which my intelligence, my God given brilliance, my Black Girl Magic was challenged and I'm so glad I don't.

I go to a Historically Black Medical School, and I'm damn proud of it!

Part, Not Whole

I am very proud to be Black, but Black is not all I am.

That's my cultural background, 

my genetic makeup, 

but its not all of who I am nor is it the basis from which I answer every question.

Why I Write

Philosophers say "If you can't write down what you think so that someone else can read it and understand what you think, you actually don't know what you think."

This, in large part, is why I write.
I write because until its written I don't actually know what I think.
A friend was asking me about something today and I literally said
"I haven't written about it yet so I'm not sure how I feel about it."

Writing allows me space to formulate my thoughts, feelings, and emotions into something my largely logical mind can digest. Its not nearly as important to know that I'm crying/laughing/happy as it is to know why I feel that way. Writing allows me to antagonize why I feel a certain way about an experience.

As many of you know, my love life is interesting to put it mildly. Writing about how I feel and more importantly why I feel what I feel is like giving myself a nonjudgmental but very present friend.
Early one morning recently, I woke up in tears. I wasn't 100% sure why I was crying but I pulled out my phone and started writing.
 "You don't wake up in tears because you miss your wife?" is what I wrote.
Because I wrote it down, I was then able to say to myself "You have a valid reason for feeling this way. Missing someone is hard. It makes sense that you're sad about it." Being able to logically connect an emotion to its origin...? That's a gift.

I also write a ton about God.  In many ways this blog is both a prayer and the inner workings of my mind. It is largely through my writing that I process what it is I believe about God. Additionally, it is through God's inspired text, that I understand both who God is and what He wants me to know.

When I write about what I understand God to be doing in my life, I am then able to take what many think is ethereal and hard to nail down and concretely say
"I prayed about this and God sent me this scripture."
"I asked God this question and then this very similar situation presented itself to me with a solution."

I can tie A to B in a very clean, neat line.
I go back to God about the same things over and over and what He's shown me is that if I keep asking about A, he'll show me every facet of the B He originally stated. With that knowledge, I have motivation to keep on keeping on.  For example, God talks to me about integrity in His Word all the time and His words to me are the foundation of my behavior. His words are my why.
Sometimes I can tie A to P in a stepwise but not so clean line, all the while seeing the connections because I wrote about each and every step. And having every step and the why behind it can change the way you see your life.

I don't want to gloss over the critical piece of knowing who God is and trusting who He is in allowing His words to be the why behind my way of being. That's the fulcrum on which my life is built. Because I write, I have a running record of who God is in my life and how He's changed me. I have His words and I have my own in response.

I had been writing about the importance of God's Word about 16 days ago and then I went to church and Pastor preached about the importance of God's Word! Now, I would have remembered that I'd been thinking about that during the week but the deeper connections to what I actually thought and understood wouldn't have been there had I not been writing about it already. God wanted to tell me more about this thing He'd already laid on my heart and I could very clearly see A to B in that.

In very tangible ways I have gone to God and said repeatedly "If you don't do this thing it won't happen." God has responded with "I will deliver you" in His Word.
But you see, I wouldn't be able to connect those things or realize those things without a record of them.
My writing is the record.
My writing also allows me to remember the promises and the truths God has spoken to me.

Its all in the writing.

In real life "If you believe something strongly and you want to tell somebody why it is you believe it strongly, the test of that is not whether they agree with you at the end of it. The test is whether or not they understand why you feel the way you do after you are done talking."

I hope that in my writing, you all have come to understand the why behind my actions, beliefs, and desires. It'll always be the why that draws me to write. Just as you get to watch me understand myself, it is here that I too understand myself.

Shalom

Bye!

This evening my last remaining grandparent died.

I don't know if y'all remember but I wrote a post a few months back but here's a refresher.

My grandma is dying.

I've got so many fantastic memories of her...

making my sister sit at the table ALL DAY because she wouldn't eat her food
going out to check the traps (Lord only knows what we were supposed to find)
her telling us that jail didn't have bathrooms and that there's crap everywhere
Eating...so much eating
So much food

I was her favorite.
She's the only adult that genuinely liked me more than my sister.

But she's been gone.
At least her mind and personality have been.

She's been gone but my Dad isn't ready yet.
Lord help him.
He's been on earth since 1949 and he's spent all those years here with his mother and now...
now he'll be without any parents.

Lord be whatever he needs you to be.
He's my dad and I love him.
I know You do too.

Well that was December 23rd. 
February 7th, my grandma pressed her way across the river Jordan to be with our Lord. 
And I think....my dad's going to be okay.
Thanks Jesus! 

Until We Are All Free

I would like to be remembered as a person who wanted to be free...

so other people would also be free. 

~ Rosa Parks 

Baptism Confirmed and other notes...

I asked God to show me something new last night and we went to John 3.

Here's the Word and my first impressions from last night.

Jesus answered, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit he cannot [ever] enter the kingdom of God. 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh [the physical is merely physical], and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Do not be surprised that I have told you, ‘You must be born again [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified].’

First Impression: "Tonight I asked God to show me something new and He took me to John the 3rd chapter to tell the story of John the Baptist...and I'm about to be baptized on Sunday! If that wasn't confirmation I don't know what it is? I live how God handles me because my mother called me to argue with me today about being Baptized and how I just need to be under watch care and I was certain I should be baptized but do you know the Lord was like "and here's a scripture sis." I love the way He loves me."

Needless to say I'm being baptized but now I have a scripture! ::cue smile:: I wasn't unsure of getting baptized but my mom has been calling me with every argument in the world about why I shouldn't: You're not going to be up there long term, med school is demanding, You volunteer at two different hospitals, You don't have free time, the Baptist church is going to benefit from all the teaching you received at the AMEZion church. ITs funny because she gave me the same conversation when I was going to a predominantly White church about how I should be at a Black church and being an example to the little Black kids. Now I'm at a Black church and that's still not good enough. I'm not chasing my mom's desires for me life, I'm chasing God's.  God's saying "Go get that baptism girl!" and I'm excited about both that and being fully accepted at my church. I haven't ever had that...no one a church wide basis. I was taken out of leadership for expressing my interest in my love and now I'm getting the full measure of God's love for me through the church. I'll take it! 

3:11 I assure you and most solemnly say to you, we speak only of what we [absolutely] know and testify about what we have [actually] seen [as eyewitnesses]; and [still] you [reject our evidence and] do not accept our testimony. 

3:21 But whoever practices truth [and does what is right—morally, ethically, spiritually] comes to the Light, so that his works may be plainly shown to be what they are—accomplished in God [divinely prompted, done with God’s help, in dependence on Him].

First Impression: "The other things He talked about is the fact that we speak only what we know and we testify to what we know and the fact that that is what I've been saying forever. I only speak of the things that God tells me and in this chapter it talks about that and it talks about how people can reject the testimony and refuse the evidence but that doesn't make it not present. I also love that He talks about how he who practices truth comes out into the light and his work they clearly show because that is something I've been endeavoring to do...to come out in the light and say this is what I believe and this is why."

So another thing God does is talk to me about multiple things at the same time. I was good by the end of 7. That was the only something new I thought I was going to see. And a young thug was grateful but since He sent me to chapter 3, I read the chapter. 
Shortly there after Jesus is talking to Nicodemus who says "How can these things be possible?" Jesus's response is verse 11. That's what I've been writing on this blog. When I write about my future marriage and the girl I'm in love with, that's all God. The Record... that's my evidence. Its what I absolutely know from Him. How crazy would it be to lie on Jesus? Bro...absolutely not. I go to Him repeatedly and ask Him if He's still sure and He always is with a fresh scripture for my soul. How much "easier" would my life be if I didn't believe a girl I haven't seen in 2 years was going to be my wife?  But oh to press towards the mark of the high calling...that's what I want even when I feel like I'm drowning.  And I'm painfully honest about that too. The drowning...its brutal but He brings me back to the surface every time. 
Also...what He does in the 21st verse? 
Boss.
 I love showing my work. I love this blog because its my work. Its the evidence of why relationship with Him, the wrestling with my faith that I do, God's footprints in my life. I love the boldness of my faith, that I'm willing to say "Hey I'm believing God for this thing that a lot of people think is impossible." I endeavor to tell the truth even when its hard and do the right thing when its not easy. One day, when she's my wife, I'll show her all of this and how I believed for us. 
I'll always know that God did this thing for us. 
God created my marriage. 

I will remain confident in this I will see the goodness of the Lord.  
I will wait on You. 
I will wait on You. 
I will trust in You. 
I will trust in You.
These lyrics were playing while I was writing.

 For God did not send the Son into the world to judge and condemn the world [that is, to initiate the final judgment of the world], but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Whoever believes and has decided to trust in Him [as personal Savior and Lord] is not judged [for this one, there is no judgment, no rejection, no condemnation];

Also this, for each and every person that doesn't think my homosexuality is compatible with my faith. Yea....this! 

John replied
A man can receive nothing [he can claim nothing at all] unless it has been granted to him from heaven [for there is no other source than the sovereign will of God] in verse 27.

I was struck by this because one of the fears I've been expressing both to my real life friends and God is that I'm worried that someone else will propose to my wife. Though I'm doing all that I can to work towards being financially ready and spiritually ready, its a real concern. He's told me so many ways that she's His will for me but I'm human. Even though I don't want to I doubt. Plus, I don't talk to her about anything serious. I don't know what's going on in her life. I have no idea where her head is. I've found myself singing "what God has for me, it is for me" lately to calm my own nerves but I love that He sent me this verse. In light of my worry, He comforts me. He is the great comforter.