Hope Less

Me and God aren't where we were two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, my life changed.
Nothing draws me to my knees like believing what I believed for 2 years. Nothing ever has before.
I'm hoping something will once more.

But for now, my prayer life is different.
It takes an entirely different level of prayer to sustain a belief that has no evidence.
If you're clinging to faith is the substance hoped for and the evidence not seen, you've got to be in the Throne Room everyday because you need that exchange to fuel you.

I don't believe anything nearly as audacious now.
Its not that I don' believe but more so that I've resigned myself not to hope so audaciously.
And it is sad.
But the sustained energy required to live the way I lived for two years is a lot.
I'm tired.
I'm just coasting along right now.
I'm doing what's easy for a little while.

I do hope that something else drives me to prayer the way I use to be driven.
But today....today we just talk about my day and about school.
Today we talk about how angry I am to have done all that spiritual work and all the heavy lifting only to watch someone else benefit from my work.
Today....all I can do is today.

When Jesus said follow me, the disciples saw everything they ever wanted and joyfully surrendered all they had. What would it look like to truly surrender without reservation, without caution, and give in fully, not to an idea of God, but to God himself?

I saw this quote and thought
"I do surrender to God.
I just don't hope as much."