Its February 29th, a day that comes around once every 4 years, so why not make a plan for where I want to be in 4 years?
Wanna hear it? Here it go!
By February 29, 2020 I'll....
- have been to the WWC
- have bought a car
- have traveled across Europe
- have a awesome wedding
- have passed all the USMLE exams first time
- be a double doctor....MD and PhD (And I'm having a shirt made that says MD and PhD on the front and Black Physician Scientist: the few, the proud, the Doctor X 2)
- be an OB/GYN intern in the PNW
- have completed my required 2 weeks at Olympic training camp and be eligible for Olympic medical staff
- be married to a woman who I love with reckless abandon
- be planning to have a child with my wife after the Olympics
- have bought a townhouse
- be on the medical team for the Portland Thorns
- have presented at AMSSM and ACSM about the importance of OB/GYNs in women's sports
That's it for now....
Monday, February 29, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Wasting Time
I loved a girl once.
Like really loved her.
If you've read my writing on here, you know.
I was poetry writing, gift sending, hundreds of miles driving, vacation planning, up all night with her texting in love.
Honestly I still am....the in love part.
BUT.....
I also want to be a spectacular physician. So unless the Lord drops someone new in my life, I still in love with that girl....a girl I don't really talk to at all anymore(that's a whole nother convo though!).
Why? Why am I waiting on the Lord instead of actively seeking someone?
Well that's the funny part.
My classmates keep asking me how I have so much free time to be in clinic. How I've done so many procedures and regularly scrub in...even ahead of upper years depending on the situation. Upper years have asked too! I'm in clinic about 10 hours a week between Sports Med and OB. This Thursday alone I'm in clinic for 11 hours plus all day Sunday. I am also a consummate lecture goer. And you know how I manage to do that?
I don't date.
I know its sounds over simplified but its the honest truth. Think about it.
What is dating?
Dating is spending time with someone doing activities you might not otherwise do to be around them.
Dating is, at its core, wasting time.
I don't waste time doing anything that won't help me be a better physician. I know I know....I watch a ton of soccer BUT that's also for work because I watch for pleasure and for sports med AND I do most of that on the treadmill.
I keep it simple. I go to soccer games (during soccer season) and church (when it fits in my schedule), hiking (when weather permits), watch my 1 TV show, read, workout, and cook. Oh and everything is test schedule dependent.
If I was to date someone, they'd have to do those activities with me because I don't do much else AND that would mean I wasn't wasting time to be around them.
I don't think many people have mastered the art of "spending productive time with a person they like" and I'm not saying I have but I do know I'm not going to spend a whole day doing something I wouldn't have done just to be around you. That's a smooth hell no. I turn down friends for lunch if it doesn't fit in my pre-determined schedule. I'm ruthless about my time.
Why? Glad you asked....
This is my only time to become solid didactically and in practice. I found out in a meeting yesterday that the 3rd years notes don't even go in the pt charts IF they even write one. When I write notes in clinic, they go in the chart. Period. <--That's experience I'm getting that upper levels don't because I sought out extracurricular clinical experiences. We also spend time doing a differential from history only and then from our own exam before our attending even goes in to exam the pt. We do that with every pt. I have to present my pts just like everyone else. That's something that isn't happening everywhere and its invaluable.
This time is what will mold me into the kind of physician I end up being so unless the Lord sees fit to drop someone in my life who wants to watch me cook and go to soccer games, I'll continue to avoid wasting time....aka dating.
P.S. Giving up TV also does wonders for finding time to study. It makes my one show a week that much sweeter!
Like really loved her.
If you've read my writing on here, you know.
I was poetry writing, gift sending, hundreds of miles driving, vacation planning, up all night with her texting in love.
Honestly I still am....the in love part.
BUT.....
I also want to be a spectacular physician. So unless the Lord drops someone new in my life, I still in love with that girl....a girl I don't really talk to at all anymore(that's a whole nother convo though!).
Why? Why am I waiting on the Lord instead of actively seeking someone?
Well that's the funny part.
My classmates keep asking me how I have so much free time to be in clinic. How I've done so many procedures and regularly scrub in...even ahead of upper years depending on the situation. Upper years have asked too! I'm in clinic about 10 hours a week between Sports Med and OB. This Thursday alone I'm in clinic for 11 hours plus all day Sunday. I am also a consummate lecture goer. And you know how I manage to do that?
I don't date.
I know its sounds over simplified but its the honest truth. Think about it.
What is dating?
Dating is spending time with someone doing activities you might not otherwise do to be around them.
Dating is, at its core, wasting time.
I don't waste time doing anything that won't help me be a better physician. I know I know....I watch a ton of soccer BUT that's also for work because I watch for pleasure and for sports med AND I do most of that on the treadmill.
I keep it simple. I go to soccer games (during soccer season) and church (when it fits in my schedule), hiking (when weather permits), watch my 1 TV show, read, workout, and cook. Oh and everything is test schedule dependent.
If I was to date someone, they'd have to do those activities with me because I don't do much else AND that would mean I wasn't wasting time to be around them.
I don't think many people have mastered the art of "spending productive time with a person they like" and I'm not saying I have but I do know I'm not going to spend a whole day doing something I wouldn't have done just to be around you. That's a smooth hell no. I turn down friends for lunch if it doesn't fit in my pre-determined schedule. I'm ruthless about my time.
Why? Glad you asked....
This is my only time to become solid didactically and in practice. I found out in a meeting yesterday that the 3rd years notes don't even go in the pt charts IF they even write one. When I write notes in clinic, they go in the chart. Period. <--That's experience I'm getting that upper levels don't because I sought out extracurricular clinical experiences. We also spend time doing a differential from history only and then from our own exam before our attending even goes in to exam the pt. We do that with every pt. I have to present my pts just like everyone else. That's something that isn't happening everywhere and its invaluable.
This time is what will mold me into the kind of physician I end up being so unless the Lord sees fit to drop someone in my life who wants to watch me cook and go to soccer games, I'll continue to avoid wasting time....aka dating.
P.S. Giving up TV also does wonders for finding time to study. It makes my one show a week that much sweeter!
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Freeheld
I want my parents to love my wife.
This is the overarching sentiment that this movie pulled out of me.
This movie is about two women, one dying, who wants to leave her pension to her partner under the Domestic Partnership Act. To think that all these people didn't want Laurel's partner to have a pension after 23 years on the force was insane. Love really is love. And honestly, I've never known a love that was more selfless, giving, or open than the way I loved her. I don't think that in the ideal of marriage, I'd be capable to love a man that way. I think that if marriage is what its supposed to be, you've got to love who you love or your love can't bloom into all God has called love to be.
It was like they couldn't see how serious being another woman's girlfriend was. I guess because heterosexual men often don't treat their girlfriends that well or value them that much, they couldn't see that without the ability to call a wife a wife, partner/girlfriend was the strongest language possible. Why?
Because equality.
When I walk into a room 8 years from now, an attending physician, and say "This is my wife Alex" everyone understands. The same is true when a man does it.
Words mean things. Its the right to use the same language that helps people see equality. You know I'm committed and legally bound to this person because she's my wife. There's an established standard for what wife means.
This movie was amazingly cathartic for me.
I always tell my sports med mentor, I like to emote during movies. I want a movie to pull out an emotion I can't usually muster because I think its good for me. She's a funny/blow things up movie person.
I hadn't really thought much about that lack of acceptance from my parents until I started crying during this movie and realized how much acceptance, especially by the people who you love, matters. I don't want to be tolerated. I want my parents to love my wife. I want them to love our kids, regardless of the uterus they grew in. I know this won't necessarily happen but I'm glad that I've got folk around me who will love her as well as respect and appreciate our marriage. God makes provision for the things He knows we need and want.
Freeheld....its a great movie. Watch it and feel the relief that we've come so far in this country.
This is the overarching sentiment that this movie pulled out of me.
This movie is about two women, one dying, who wants to leave her pension to her partner under the Domestic Partnership Act. To think that all these people didn't want Laurel's partner to have a pension after 23 years on the force was insane. Love really is love. And honestly, I've never known a love that was more selfless, giving, or open than the way I loved her. I don't think that in the ideal of marriage, I'd be capable to love a man that way. I think that if marriage is what its supposed to be, you've got to love who you love or your love can't bloom into all God has called love to be.
It was like they couldn't see how serious being another woman's girlfriend was. I guess because heterosexual men often don't treat their girlfriends that well or value them that much, they couldn't see that without the ability to call a wife a wife, partner/girlfriend was the strongest language possible. Why?
Because equality.
When I walk into a room 8 years from now, an attending physician, and say "This is my wife Alex" everyone understands. The same is true when a man does it.
Words mean things. Its the right to use the same language that helps people see equality. You know I'm committed and legally bound to this person because she's my wife. There's an established standard for what wife means.
This movie was amazingly cathartic for me.
I always tell my sports med mentor, I like to emote during movies. I want a movie to pull out an emotion I can't usually muster because I think its good for me. She's a funny/blow things up movie person.
I hadn't really thought much about that lack of acceptance from my parents until I started crying during this movie and realized how much acceptance, especially by the people who you love, matters. I don't want to be tolerated. I want my parents to love my wife. I want them to love our kids, regardless of the uterus they grew in. I know this won't necessarily happen but I'm glad that I've got folk around me who will love her as well as respect and appreciate our marriage. God makes provision for the things He knows we need and want.
Freeheld....its a great movie. Watch it and feel the relief that we've come so far in this country.
Friday, February 19, 2016
1 to go
I passed NEURO!!!!!!!
Y'all just don't know but let me tell you.
I failed our first two exams.
We had been told that this course was cumulative.
That everything builds.
Essentially, if you don't get in the beginning you're going to fail.
And I was failing.
And then.....my meds started working.
1 month into neuro, my ADD meds were finally at a therapeutic level and I passed two exams.
Two weeks later, I got the 2nd highest grade I've gotten in med school on the hardest exam of the year: the cumulative final neuro exam.
Won't God do it?
Isn't He amazing?!?!?
I'm just so thankful I was humble enough to say I needed help.
Onto SF3!
Y'all just don't know but let me tell you.
I failed our first two exams.
We had been told that this course was cumulative.
That everything builds.
Essentially, if you don't get in the beginning you're going to fail.
And I was failing.
And then.....my meds started working.
1 month into neuro, my ADD meds were finally at a therapeutic level and I passed two exams.
Two weeks later, I got the 2nd highest grade I've gotten in med school on the hardest exam of the year: the cumulative final neuro exam.
Won't God do it?
Isn't He amazing?!?!?
I'm just so thankful I was humble enough to say I needed help.
Onto SF3!
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
The Beauty of Openness
You know what surprises me? Well not completely but its just so refreshing.
People who meet me now can just accept that I'm both gay AND devoutly Christian. People don't act like those two things are incongruent or mutually exclusive. I think they see how I live and realize that I'm actually serious about the Jesus thing.
Its nice...to not have to defend either. Its nice to be taken seriously as a Christian AND to have people refer to me and my future wife.
Its lighter even. Lighter to not have to pretend...to tell the truth all the time about what I want and what I like.
I made the decision to be very open about my sexuality coming to med school because I don't have time for people who have a problem with who I am at the core of my being. I'm also just as vocal about Jesus and who He is and what He means to me. I haven't wasted any time on a single person who has a problem with my religion or my sexuality and honestly, no one has told me they had a problem to my face. I've also been able to be completely available to people who like me not in spite of being gay but because of it because it shapes who I am and how I see the world. There are people who want that perspective.
I'm just say being out of the closet....its amazing.
I can't wait for my fellow same gender loving folks to come out in the sun with me.
Come stand in the sun.
People who meet me now can just accept that I'm both gay AND devoutly Christian. People don't act like those two things are incongruent or mutually exclusive. I think they see how I live and realize that I'm actually serious about the Jesus thing.
Its nice...to not have to defend either. Its nice to be taken seriously as a Christian AND to have people refer to me and my future wife.
Its lighter even. Lighter to not have to pretend...to tell the truth all the time about what I want and what I like.
I made the decision to be very open about my sexuality coming to med school because I don't have time for people who have a problem with who I am at the core of my being. I'm also just as vocal about Jesus and who He is and what He means to me. I haven't wasted any time on a single person who has a problem with my religion or my sexuality and honestly, no one has told me they had a problem to my face. I've also been able to be completely available to people who like me not in spite of being gay but because of it because it shapes who I am and how I see the world. There are people who want that perspective.
I'm just say being out of the closet....its amazing.
I can't wait for my fellow same gender loving folks to come out in the sun with me.
Come stand in the sun.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Joy
Its the scars that make you beautiful
Its not the pristine places
but the burns
the bruises
the cuts
Its the fight in you
to get past where you were
to not pick at the wound
rip out the stitches
to actually let yourself heal
In the scars is triumph
is beauty from ashes
is you surviving
and thriving
And as they fade
I know what drove me there
fades too
but I'll always remember
because scars are emotional
spiritual
deeper than the hyper pigmentation that is their evidence
the change you permanently
and if your let them
for the better
When the mirror reflects who I really am
I'm humbled
because despite it all
I'm still here
and I'm whole
and joy
Joy permeates every square inch of my life
Its not the pristine places
but the burns
the bruises
the cuts
Its the fight in you
to get past where you were
to not pick at the wound
rip out the stitches
to actually let yourself heal
In the scars is triumph
is beauty from ashes
is you surviving
and thriving
And as they fade
I know what drove me there
fades too
but I'll always remember
because scars are emotional
spiritual
deeper than the hyper pigmentation that is their evidence
the change you permanently
and if your let them
for the better
When the mirror reflects who I really am
I'm humbled
because despite it all
I'm still here
and I'm whole
and joy
Joy permeates every square inch of my life
Friday, February 12, 2016
These are the words I'll say...
Sometimes I think about my marriage vows and what I want to say.
Here are some of my thoughts....
First I want to have traditional Christian vows. We'd both say this to each other.
I take you to be my wedded wife
With deepest joy
I receive you into my life
That together
we may be one
As is Christ to his body the church
So I will be to you
A loving and faithful wife
Knowing that Christ’s lordship
is one of the holiest desires for my life
I promise you my deepest love
My fullest devotion
My tenderest care
And my unwavering fidelity
I promise I will live first unto God
I promise that I will lead our lives into a life of faith
And hope in Christ Jesus
Ever honoring God’s guidance
By his spirit through the word
So throughout life
No matter what may lie ahead of us
I pledge to you my life
Loving you
Caring for you
And ever seeking to please you
God has prepared me for you
And so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage
you
Until death do us part
Or the Lord comes for His own
Next I want to write personal vows.
I don't know what I'm going to say but that last line will be something like
I've found in you a priceless intangible. You are my home.
Brides people Part!
This is a blessing I want read by our brides people after those two sets of vows. I really liked the idea that the people who stand with you believe in and are rooting for your marriage. Also they've been our closest friends up and until this point and in a way these words are taking the major responsibility for companionship and friendship from our friends and placing them on our spouse.
Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years,
May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth.
And we stand here, affirming our commitment to help you uphold the vows you've made today before God and these witnesses.
Lastly, I want to have a Hands ceremony. This is a nod to my Native American roots and also a very practical way of letting our witnesses know what we plan to do in our marriage and family going forward.
These are the hands of your best friend that are holding yours on our wedding day, as I promise to love you all the days of my life.
These are the hands that will work along side
yours, as together we build our future, as we laugh and cry, sharing our innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands you will place with expectant joy
against your stomach, until I too, feels our child stir within you.
These are the hands that will be so gentle as I hold our baby for the first time.
These are that hands that will passionately love
you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe
the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy
These are the hands that will comfort you in
illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your
chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into my eyes: eyes
that are filled completely with overwhelming love and desire for you.
These are the hands
of your best friend that are holding yours on your
wedding day, as I pledges my love and commitment to you all the days of my life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in
tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging
them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you
struggle through difficult times
These are the hands that will comfort you when you
are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
They are the hands that will passionately love you
and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will hold you in joy and
excitement and hope, each time that we create new life together.
These are the hands that will give you support as you to chase your dreams and I chase mine.
Minister:
God, bless these hands that you see before you this
day. May they always be held by one another. Give them the strength to hold on
during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender
and gentle as they nurture each other in their wondrous love. Help these hands
to continue building a relationship founded in your grace, rich in caring, and
devoted in reaching for your perfection. May they see their four hands as healer, protector, shelter and guide.
We ask this in your name, Amen.
That's it! Then its a done deal...until God calls us home, she'll be mine forever!
Monday, February 8, 2016
Green Eyes
So....I have this interesting problem.
Every friend I have, except Shannon, has a male significant other that has expressed in one way or another that they are jealous of me.
Jealous!
Why?
I asked the same thing and I've gotten variations of
"You're such a great cook and I'm over here all the time to eat."
"I'm always with you"
"He's jealous of how close we are"
Y'all! I get it. I'm amazing. But I'm a lesbian and you are not! You know I don't want you as anything but a friend. But these men....apparently they think you could be swayed by a homemade tomato bisque and death by chocolate. <--Ludicrous!
I have no interest in turning my straight friends and honestly I find exactly zero of y'all attractive in a sexual way. You're my friends.
What I will say is this......
I shouldn't be able to out-friend your significant other.
If I'm better to you as a friend than he is as a boyfriend, the problem is him.
He needs to do better.
I know I'm different. I've been told every which way that the way I care for my friends is above and beyond. I get that. But y'all should demand as much as I'm giving you as a friend from the person who quite literally enters your body. Your significant other should be, at minimum, as good to you as I am.
And fellas, if you see what I'm doing and are thinking "damn she's hella good to my girl" feel inspired. Take it upon yourself to do better. A half decent home cooked meal (that doesn't make her sick) will go a long way....far longer than my culinary genius because she's got feeling caught up in that with you.
Be ye not discouraged but press on towards being a better significant other.
I believe in you!
My friends deserve your effort!
Don't get out done by a platonic friend because I'm not going to be less of a friend so you can look better.
Every friend I have, except Shannon, has a male significant other that has expressed in one way or another that they are jealous of me.
Jealous!
Why?
I asked the same thing and I've gotten variations of
"You're such a great cook and I'm over here all the time to eat."
"I'm always with you"
"He's jealous of how close we are"
Y'all! I get it. I'm amazing. But I'm a lesbian and you are not! You know I don't want you as anything but a friend. But these men....apparently they think you could be swayed by a homemade tomato bisque and death by chocolate. <--Ludicrous!
The pound cake is good but it ain't "change your sexual orientation" good!
I have no interest in turning my straight friends and honestly I find exactly zero of y'all attractive in a sexual way. You're my friends.
What I will say is this......
I shouldn't be able to out-friend your significant other.
If I'm better to you as a friend than he is as a boyfriend, the problem is him.
He needs to do better.
I know I'm different. I've been told every which way that the way I care for my friends is above and beyond. I get that. But y'all should demand as much as I'm giving you as a friend from the person who quite literally enters your body. Your significant other should be, at minimum, as good to you as I am.
And fellas, if you see what I'm doing and are thinking "damn she's hella good to my girl" feel inspired. Take it upon yourself to do better. A half decent home cooked meal (that doesn't make her sick) will go a long way....far longer than my culinary genius because she's got feeling caught up in that with you.
Be ye not discouraged but press on towards being a better significant other.
I believe in you!
My friends deserve your effort!
Don't get out done by a platonic friend because I'm not going to be less of a friend so you can look better.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Inside Out
If the Lord shows you what He really means by "and He gave Himself up for her" in Ephesians, it'll change you.
You'll be intrinsically motivated by her presence alone to do better. You'll want the best for her with no regard for the cost or consequence. It'll change you. Might I caution you not to ask for this unless you're ready for how a manifestation of His love towards us in your own life will alter you. I'm irrevocably different because I know what that is. <---- This was my conversation last night.
My friend again....these late night relationship talks are the realest.
I'm so floored by how He moved my heart and taught me so much that I can now pour into others about what Godly love in a relationship and true love really looks like. I'm thankful that that which so deeply changed me but has not come to be in my own life is such a testimony for others.
Its like people have faith in my knowledge of relationships. In the absence of the things I've hoped and prayed for and in the presence of the fact that I've been celibate and single for a very long time, I'm told that my countenance tells them I've done the work and I'm serious about what relationship actually means.
My friend was like "I know those aren't just words for you. I know you live that way. You're cut different."
And I am....from a fabric God wove specifically to make me.
Lord, I'm available to you.
You'll be intrinsically motivated by her presence alone to do better. You'll want the best for her with no regard for the cost or consequence. It'll change you. Might I caution you not to ask for this unless you're ready for how a manifestation of His love towards us in your own life will alter you. I'm irrevocably different because I know what that is. <---- This was my conversation last night.
My friend again....these late night relationship talks are the realest.
I'm so floored by how He moved my heart and taught me so much that I can now pour into others about what Godly love in a relationship and true love really looks like. I'm thankful that that which so deeply changed me but has not come to be in my own life is such a testimony for others.
Its like people have faith in my knowledge of relationships. In the absence of the things I've hoped and prayed for and in the presence of the fact that I've been celibate and single for a very long time, I'm told that my countenance tells them I've done the work and I'm serious about what relationship actually means.
My friend was like "I know those aren't just words for you. I know you live that way. You're cut different."
And I am....from a fabric God wove specifically to make me.
Lord, I'm available to you.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)