For the Last Time

So it happens like this:

She texts me, I text her back.
She come back into my consciousness and unconsciousness.
I promised I day dreamed about walking into a hospital room and seeing her in the bed after having our baby and I smiled.
I was cooking and then I was in done alternate reality where she was cooking and I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her, started kissing her neck, and then I was back in my apartment alone.

I like hearing from her.
I still like her.
I said in my head the other day “I’m glad my wife’s program went well” then I shook my head to shake that thought away.
That’s the hard apart. She seeps back in.
I wish she’s just stay.
Or go.
And if she comes back, I want it to be for real.
Like I’m single, let’s see if this could work for real.
I’ve got one last great romance in me and I’d like to share it with her.

His Purpose in my chaos

When she loved me after the other one left me without so much as an explanation,
She showed me I was still lovable.

I’m eternally grateful for the fact that she chose me and didn’t rush me into choosing her back.
I know this year could have possibly gone very differently had she not made that decision.
I’m so glad I trusted God when I was heartbroken and His plan and purpose were made perfect in my chaos.

Certainty after Heartbreak

I know we've got something solid.
I'm certain of it.

Its in the things she tells me and the way she treats me.
Its in the way she talks to me and the vulnerability she displays.
I know its real.

But that doesn't mean I don't get scared.

Like when she doesn't text me back quickly.
Or when I haven't heard from her in a few days.

I know we're fine.
But I still have to talk myself into believing that.

I still have to remind myself of how good I am to her and how well I treat her.
I still have to tell myself stories of all the evidence that I have against her disappearing.

Because the truth is, once someone's left you like that
Once someone you never expected to dessert you
does....
it changes you.

It makes you scared.

So I know you're busy.
I know that you're not intentionally ignoring me and trying to send me into a tail spin.
We talked about it even....that that was something I was scared of.
And you were offended that I'd ever think you were capable of such cruelty.
I know we're good.
I talked to you yesterday.
But being left changes you.

I'm so glad that being left didn't make me closed off to you when you showed up.
Choosing you back was the best decision I made this year.
But that scar remains.
So I'll talk to myself,
I'll reassure myself,
until I hear from you.
Because we're good.
I'm certain of it.

Let It Be Known

Let it be known
that our God saves
our God reigns
We lift You up up!

Let it be known
That loves has come
Love has won!
We lift You up!

These words were the chorus of the song my church song on this, the first Sunday of Pride month. I’m so proud to go to such a progressive, culturally sensitive and aware, affirming Black Baptist Church. I’m so happy to have received my full immersion baptism at this church and to go there to grow and learn in all my identities: Black, lesbian, and female.

Love has won!