Clarity in Solitude

If in the span of a month, we can hang out a few times and you figure out you not only have feelings for me but that they are powerful enough that we can't communicate without the situation getting messy, might that mean you aren't as serious about your current relationship situation as you think you are?

I'm just wondering.

I was thinking about that the other day. If my interactions with someone were powerful enough that I was no longer able to clearly articulate why I should stay in the relationship I'm in .....I'd need some time alone to sort that out.

And by alone I mean time away from both parties.

But that's just how I am.

That's what I did months ago. I'd made a commitment. I wasn't over my ex. I wasn't ready to be with the math teacher. So I stepped away from both.
And when I reemerged, I was ready to be of some good to somebody!

Maybe that's not how other people operate.

I wonder if she was as brutally honest with the other girl about her feelings as she was with me?
Does she know about your prayers for clarity?
Does she know about your pros and cons list?

Did she know about your prayer life in general prior to this?

Who knows.

My prayers are simple. My requests are plain.
Love, fidelity, and devotion.
Lord, I want a wife who does these things.
And You know exactly what I'll give her in return.
That's it.
Selah

You Should Thank My Mentor

I have a main. 
She's awesome.
And she's the only reason I'm about to text you.
She's the only reason its possible for you to stay in my life.
You should thank her.
Cause my decision was made.
I ran it by her and she led me a different direction.
You know, that's what having a mentor is about.
Its about being willing to trust someone else's judgement over your own.
And I trust her because she's proven herself to be worthy of that trust.
Thank her next time you see her.
She's your saving grace in this situation.

Jagged Edge Lyrics Or My Life?

I miss talking to her.
I miss hanging out with her.
But she's not mine to miss.

I was listening to Pandora and this song came on...
True Man by Jagged Edge

"And now I know you wasn't ready baby you can't handle it

You can't handle a true girl
One who really, really wants to be
You can't handle a true girl
Girl I give you my cream and everything
You can't handle a true girl
One who really wants you to understand
You can't handle a true girl
Said I gave you all my lovin' babe, anytime you want it babe"

Sometimes I think this. When my friends say I'm way to serious for most people or that I'm way too purposeful. 

I'm not special but I for damn sure am not a go with the flow girl. 

At this point I've said to two different girls that I could see myself marrying them and that that's why I want to date that and that hasn't resulted in anything. 

Its like when I offer something, its too big an offering or something. But honestly I don't think one should approach a woman offering any less. That's just how I interpret the Word of God. 

I'm actually not the kind of person that throws people away. If she came back before I fell for someone else, I'd definitely want to give it a shot with her. But I don't know that the shot would be the same. 

Yes I'd be serious, I always am. But I think it might take me a little longer to be certain just because her uncertainty makes me thing I should check twice before I leap headfirst into a lifelong commitment. Had she chose me definitively, with clear options on the table, then I could be sure she'd choose me period but that didn't happen.

So yes, she could come back with the same destination but the path wouldn't be as straight for me. 

And that brings me to along song....

"Sometimes, what may be the best thing for you to do
Sometimes it the hardest thing for you to do
And that's real
'Cause I know that I (could) love you
I know how I feel about you
But I also know that I don't make everything alright
And for that reason
I gotta say goodbye"

For now.....

Alumnifolk Ain't Always Kinfolk

Its the end of third year.
I know how to take a history.
I know how to do a physical.
I know how to write a note.

Why are you coming at me like I'm dumb?
This MD today came for us Howard students like she's not a Howard Alum her damn self?!?!?

She acted like if we missed one day of in patient, our patients would go without food and water until we got back!
She acted like if we don't show up to take care of our patients, no one else in the hospital will see them and they'll suffer and potentially die without us.

First calm down. That won't happen.
Secondly, we are missing time to take a national examination. No one is taking vacation.

We are taking one of the 4 exams we are required to take to become physicians.
And I know you interview people who haven't taken this test yet, but that's not the way we do things at Howard.

We all try and take the exam in the summer during out last rotation and your rotation IS our last rotation.

And then God forbid, this student asked about space to study. She got all huffy and was like You probably wont' be able to study because we expect you to be ACTIVE participants in your patients care yada yada yada.

I was so tired.
Take me back home to Howard.

Girl....the man asked for space to study. Not space to nap!

And unlike the students from the White school down the street, we actually have to honor the Pediatrics Shelf, a nationwide exam, to honor this course.
So yes, we do come across differently.
We want to study.
We want to be left alone because this test stands between us and an H.

White school students want to be bothered with whatever you can find for them to do because they're entire grade is predicated on making you happy and you wasting their time won't reflect negatively on their transcript.

It'll negatively affect ours. So please spare me they're better students. They aren't. They're just graded based mostly only how much you like them and how agreeable they are and we are graded based on data.
Standardized, nationwide, unbiased data.

Yea, she pissed me off today. I care about my patients lady. I care about my education. Don't treat me like a child.
Also, since you're such an asshole, Its Dr.
My name starts with Dr.

Rules: 250,345 Go With The Flow: 0

I knew this was an untenable position.
I knew you liked me.
I knew you had a girlfriend.
What I didn't expect was that you didn't realize you liked me and that this had the potential to get messy.
I thought you knew that. When I realized you didn't, I went ahead and led you to that conclusion.

Then you made the decision I've become accustomed to.
You picked the other girl.
I knew it was coming.
Because I'm a great girl and I'll make a phenomenal wife, but people usually pick they girl they've kissed (or done much more with) over the girl they haven't.

I'm just glad I realized what was going on well before I spent way to much money trying to convince you I was the better choice.
I'm also glad I realized what was going on before I got hurt.

You see the rules are in place for a reason. They keep my safe.
I realize its a rigid way to be. But thankfully, because many don't know how my mind compartmentalizes relationships, they don't know how I actually think about them.

Time tells me so much about a relationship. Can you really do this? Are you really in this for the long haul? Show me.

But yes, I saw this coming.
The moment she called to tell me that that girl was actually her girlfriend and that she had lied about it when I first asked....I knew this wasn't going to end well.

I knew this because its the same phone call my ex made. And unwisely I thought I could persuade her to pick me.
This time I knew better. I know that being with someone isn't something people are convinced of. They just pick.
And the only time I've ever the chosen one is academically.

Is my self esteem affected? Not really.
I'd already decided a week before, that I probably needed to fade to black after I called her and they were together running mundane errands. That was my sign that they were serious. That was my cue to quietly exit.
But then she texted me asking to talk.
So we did.
And that conversation finally led her to the conclusion that she is the one that actually isn't capable of being friends.

She ended her text message with maybe one day she'll text me and tell me that she messed up.
Yea maybe.
I won't hold my breath.
I've seen this thing play out from start to finish before.
I'll be surprised if I ever hear from her again.
This is why the rules exist.
Because people will hurt you, if you let them in too close too soon.

Two Princesses are better than One

My friend pointed out that in two different situations, similar things have happened to me.
I like a girl.
I show her the world.
She picks someone else. (Details matter but in the context he was pointing out something else.)

He went on to say "What's wrong with your picker?"
You continuously pick girls who are willing to split their attention to some degree, essentially string you along or cheat with you, and eventually they make a real decision when forced to.

I thought about that.
And this is what I think.

My preference is for women of a certain size. I prefer my women size 18+. Ideally, I like a 22.
22 is real nice.
Real
Nice.

And that means my preference is for a type of woman that typically isn't widely sought after. Many will sleep with a curvy girl but they won't wife her.
I want to wife her.
Its the only kind of girl that I want to wife.
Thus is the only kind of girl that I want to date.

And what I've noticed is that when you shower a girl who isn't told very often with "you're beautiful" "You're sexy" and "I think the world of you" they're not used to hearing it and they don't want to stop hearing it.
So even if they aren't going to pick you, they still want you to talk to them like that and treat them like a rockstar.
There's a level of insecurity there too. Because most girls I like haven't had a ton of opportunities to have two people be very serious about them. And they don't want to be so transparent about who they will or won't pick because they'll lose the attention of the other and that's attention they enjoy, have never had, and probably feel they will never have again.
And honestly, with me, you won't.
I'm not going to show you that again unless you pick me.
I will show any girl I might like that I'm capable of this but if you show me that you aren't as serious about me back or that you won't commit, I'm going to pull back.
Not because you're not a princess but because I am too!

If She Was a Man...?

So in my last post I wrote this 

"At some point, I hope she breaks its off with the girl.

I can tell you this.....I won't stay around if she doesn't.

If I get the feeling things are getting more serious between them, I'll just end this thing we are doing.

Because friendship applications aren't open.

I'm trying to date you.

I'm trying to make you mine.

That's what I'm here for.

I've got mentors, besties, med school besties, my boys and applying to get in the door with Obstetrics and Gynecology.

That's plenty.

So if you're not here for the role of girlfriend/future wife, I've got other things that need my attention."

And you know what happened? Something to make it clear to me that things are getting more serious between them. 

I called her. She answered. She was with her girlfriend doing a mundane errand. You know who you do that with? Someone you're serious about.

Later on she posted pictures of them.

That was it. 

After that I talked to this guy I know who's really good at reading people. 

He said something very simple to me.

"What would your interpretation of her behavior be if she was a man?"

And I had my answer. She's be a fuck boy and I'd be like bye girl.

So that was my final decision. 

Bye girl.

I've got other things that need my attention.

Love, Simon

So we went to a movie....

then dinner....

then dessert.

If it looks like a duck, waddles, and quacks? Its a duck.

If it looks like a date, lasts until midnight, and you wanted to kiss her after? Its a date.

I really want to understand what's happening but I also like what's going on and don't want it to stop.

We hang out. Its like what I would think having her as a girlfriend is like except I don't talk to her as much as I'd like to. I mean you should have seen the set up.

Are you here yet?

No, I'm getting candy. What do you want?

Snickers or anything peanut butter and chocolate?

Cool. Got it. Coming now

Its so regular you could almost thing its the real thing but its not. And that's what I have to remind myself of all the time.

She's coming to my celibacy celebration dinner on Thursday.

We're probably going to see Disobedience in theaters soon.  

At some point, I hope she breaks its off with the girl.

I can tell you this.....I won't stay around if she doesn't.

If I get the feeling things are getting more serious between them, I'll just end this thing we are doing.

Because friendship applications aren't open.

I'm trying to date you.

I'm trying to make you mine.

That's what I'm here for.

I've got mentors, besties, med school besties, my boys and applying to get in the door with Obstetrics and Gynecology.

That's plenty.

So if you're not here for the role of girlfriend/future wife, I've got other things that need my attention.