I actually burst yesterday.
It happened.
I've been feeling full for a while but I burst.
My mom did something for me that, let's be real, my parents wouldn't do.
They haven't done.
Not to that magnitude.
Not without strings attached.
And I quite literally burst.
More like I cried quietly in her office for about an hour.
I cried all the way home.
I cried in the shower.
And I woke up with puffy eyes and a full heart.
Because privacy is important to me, I'm not actually going to share what she did.
Just know it was big.
Huge actually.
And quite life changing for me.
But she did it in her typical way, no fanfare.
It was one of those "I care deeply about you and I see you" moments.
They don't happen often, but when they do, God really does move.
I love her.
I really do.
And she really love me too.
You know when the Bible says God can do exceedingly abundantly above all you could ask?
She's that.
She's my exceedingly abundantly above and I didn't even ask for her personally.
I apparently had some praying folks around me who prayed her into my life. As I've shared about her with different folk very close to me, I've found out that they were praying for someone like her.
She's the best thing that happened to me at Howard.
Hands down, forever.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Saturday, November 10, 2018
30 years
Today, I watched my mom give reflections about her co-resident and best friend at her best friend's memorial service.
She was great....funny but poignant.
But what ended up bringing me to tears time and time again was the reality that this part of my life could be approaching sooner than I'm remotely prepared for.
You see Mom has been Mom for about....a month.
One of my mentors asked me....how do you see her? And I responded "In all honesty, I see her as a mom. I'd call her mom if I thought she'd be cool with it."
Then it snow balled. I told one friend and she started referring to her as "your mom." And finally I was in her office one day and I thought I was texting that friend and I actually tested Mom and she was like " well do you want to delete it off my phone without me reading it?"
And I sheepishly said "yes."
Then I was like you know what, fuck it. We refer to you as mom. My friend started that and I was texting her and it said something like "Mom said..." and I went into this long explanation about how I've called other people mom before and its no biggie.
She was like its fine.
I think we both knew, to some degree, that it was a biggie.
A real biggie.
But that night, we let it roll.
And from then on... when we're alone, when I text her, when we talk on the phone, I call her Mom.
For her birthday, I wrote her a letter similar to the one you read and I put Mom on the card. And I talked about it.
I talked about the fact that it is a biggie.
Its nearly axis- altering in my life to be able to say my mom and not have that come from a mixed place. Its not that she never frustrates me or gets on my nerves, because she does but its different. Its that she doesn't hurt me on purpose, its that she treats me well, its that she's grateful for the things I do that I don't have to do....its that she's my mom.
Its in the here's money for this or that.
Its in the "have you eaten?"
Its in the "I got you this" without us having made a single plan to see each other that day.
Its big things and small things.
But yea, me calling her mom means a ton to me.
And then she told me a story.
She wasn't around that much because of residency training when her son was small so he doesn't really call her Mom. He calls her mostly by her first name. He knows she's his mom and they have a great relationship but still and all, he doesn't call her Mom.
And that was the Jesus moment. That was the...."here's why I put this on your heart, kid" from the Big Man Upstairs.
Because, you needed a mom...and she needed to hear someone calling her mom.
Because we all have needs right?
If that wasn't enough, today at the repasse, the wife of one of her coresidents from 30 years ago asked "Who are you?"
I replied "I'm her student."
She the exclaimed "Oh my God. I knew she didn't have a daughter but you sound just like her." She had been sitting on the same row as me, Mom's mom and Mom's sister during the service.
But what a compliment!
We sound alike?
Really?
And then....there was this moment.
I'd gotten Mom a sympathy card and I'd written Mom on the envelope, top left corner. I'd put it there to be slightly more discrete. For her birthday, I'd just written Mom across the center.
I handed it to her and she saw it.
Now this isn't the first time I've written Mom on something. I text her, say it to her, and she's saved i my phone as Mom.
BUT....this was the first time she'd been around her family when it happened. So she did a thing I never thought she would.
She showed her sister and her mom that I'd written "Mom" on the envelope and then proudly said "She calls me mom."
Now though the feelings aren't new, the language is and mostly not to confuse people ( and a little bit because its our personal thing) I don't do it in front of other students. After I graduate I will because then I won't care, but for now, my classmates know that she's not my bio mom so I just keep it private.
What I wasn't expecting was that she didn't want to keep it private. She wants people in her personal life, people that have seen me and know me, to know that this is what we're doing.
This is who we are.
A mom and a child.
It was such a pure moment.
I use to write about belonging all the time and this is that.
This is belonging.
This is words meaning something.
Anyway, her sister was like "She does what?" with Mom sitting there smiling all big.
And I said "I call her mom."
Her sister replied "Well she doesn't have a daughter so that makes sense."
Let me also tell you this....today scared me.
Those boys got up there and talked about their mother and they were excellent but you see....that kinds of things they got to say were the result of 30+ years with their mother.
I'd like 30 years with my Mom too, please.
And considering that she just became my Mom in the last year, I need those years.
I don't know how they did it.
There's no way I could have read pages of material that I'd written about my Mom.
I'd have gone to the mic and just cried.
Every time my mind even remotely wandered to losing my Mom, I would start to lose it.
Because this is my mom's classmate and coresident.
They're the same age.
It really puts things in perspective.
So yea, I will drive back and forth to see you.
Yes, I will stay with you on night float.
Yes, I will read with you.
Yes, I will go to thanksgiving with you.
I want my 30 years of memories.
God. I need 30 years with my Mom.
She was great....funny but poignant.
But what ended up bringing me to tears time and time again was the reality that this part of my life could be approaching sooner than I'm remotely prepared for.
You see Mom has been Mom for about....a month.
One of my mentors asked me....how do you see her? And I responded "In all honesty, I see her as a mom. I'd call her mom if I thought she'd be cool with it."
Then it snow balled. I told one friend and she started referring to her as "your mom." And finally I was in her office one day and I thought I was texting that friend and I actually tested Mom and she was like " well do you want to delete it off my phone without me reading it?"
And I sheepishly said "yes."
Then I was like you know what, fuck it. We refer to you as mom. My friend started that and I was texting her and it said something like "Mom said..." and I went into this long explanation about how I've called other people mom before and its no biggie.
She was like its fine.
I think we both knew, to some degree, that it was a biggie.
A real biggie.
But that night, we let it roll.
And from then on... when we're alone, when I text her, when we talk on the phone, I call her Mom.
For her birthday, I wrote her a letter similar to the one you read and I put Mom on the card. And I talked about it.
I talked about the fact that it is a biggie.
Its nearly axis- altering in my life to be able to say my mom and not have that come from a mixed place. Its not that she never frustrates me or gets on my nerves, because she does but its different. Its that she doesn't hurt me on purpose, its that she treats me well, its that she's grateful for the things I do that I don't have to do....its that she's my mom.
Its in the here's money for this or that.
Its in the "have you eaten?"
Its in the "I got you this" without us having made a single plan to see each other that day.
Its big things and small things.
But yea, me calling her mom means a ton to me.
And then she told me a story.
She wasn't around that much because of residency training when her son was small so he doesn't really call her Mom. He calls her mostly by her first name. He knows she's his mom and they have a great relationship but still and all, he doesn't call her Mom.
And that was the Jesus moment. That was the...."here's why I put this on your heart, kid" from the Big Man Upstairs.
Because, you needed a mom...and she needed to hear someone calling her mom.
Because we all have needs right?
If that wasn't enough, today at the repasse, the wife of one of her coresidents from 30 years ago asked "Who are you?"
I replied "I'm her student."
She the exclaimed "Oh my God. I knew she didn't have a daughter but you sound just like her." She had been sitting on the same row as me, Mom's mom and Mom's sister during the service.
But what a compliment!
We sound alike?
Really?
And then....there was this moment.
I'd gotten Mom a sympathy card and I'd written Mom on the envelope, top left corner. I'd put it there to be slightly more discrete. For her birthday, I'd just written Mom across the center.
I handed it to her and she saw it.
Now this isn't the first time I've written Mom on something. I text her, say it to her, and she's saved i my phone as Mom.
BUT....this was the first time she'd been around her family when it happened. So she did a thing I never thought she would.
She showed her sister and her mom that I'd written "Mom" on the envelope and then proudly said "She calls me mom."
Now though the feelings aren't new, the language is and mostly not to confuse people ( and a little bit because its our personal thing) I don't do it in front of other students. After I graduate I will because then I won't care, but for now, my classmates know that she's not my bio mom so I just keep it private.
What I wasn't expecting was that she didn't want to keep it private. She wants people in her personal life, people that have seen me and know me, to know that this is what we're doing.
This is who we are.
A mom and a child.
It was such a pure moment.
I use to write about belonging all the time and this is that.
This is belonging.
This is words meaning something.
Anyway, her sister was like "She does what?" with Mom sitting there smiling all big.
And I said "I call her mom."
Her sister replied "Well she doesn't have a daughter so that makes sense."
Let me also tell you this....today scared me.
Those boys got up there and talked about their mother and they were excellent but you see....that kinds of things they got to say were the result of 30+ years with their mother.
I'd like 30 years with my Mom too, please.
And considering that she just became my Mom in the last year, I need those years.
I don't know how they did it.
There's no way I could have read pages of material that I'd written about my Mom.
I'd have gone to the mic and just cried.
Every time my mind even remotely wandered to losing my Mom, I would start to lose it.
Because this is my mom's classmate and coresident.
They're the same age.
It really puts things in perspective.
So yea, I will drive back and forth to see you.
Yes, I will stay with you on night float.
Yes, I will read with you.
Yes, I will go to thanksgiving with you.
I want my 30 years of memories.
God. I need 30 years with my Mom.
Mom
What can I saw about her?
She challenges me, stretches me, nudges me gently toward adulthood while always treating me like a smart and capable child.
She makes me feel like I'm enough.
She sees me and she isn't disappointed.
Mom,
Wow, you're 60. It feels like I've been spending time with you forever; I think that's what safety feels like. That's what you are to me: safe. Until you know danger, you can't properly value safety and I am so grateful that God allowed us to find each other. You are the best thing that happened to me at Howard. Though it may not seem like it, it means a great deal to me to call you mom. To know you are proud of the totality of who I am is a comfort I didn't know I needed, until you offered it to me without reservation. You make my heart smile.
I am so grateful for who you are in my life and for the time you've poured into me. You decided to love me well before I was able to accept it, but I'm glad you kept after me. Thanks for being my mom.
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Philise
She challenges me, stretches me, nudges me gently toward adulthood while always treating me like a smart and capable child.
She makes me feel like I'm enough.
She sees me and she isn't disappointed.
Mom,
Wow, you're 60. It feels like I've been spending time with you forever; I think that's what safety feels like. That's what you are to me: safe. Until you know danger, you can't properly value safety and I am so grateful that God allowed us to find each other. You are the best thing that happened to me at Howard. Though it may not seem like it, it means a great deal to me to call you mom. To know you are proud of the totality of who I am is a comfort I didn't know I needed, until you offered it to me without reservation. You make my heart smile.
I am so grateful for who you are in my life and for the time you've poured into me. You decided to love me well before I was able to accept it, but I'm glad you kept after me. Thanks for being my mom.
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Philise
Saturday, October 27, 2018
So Many Things....
So much has happened and I haven't blogged at all!
I'm going to do better I promise.
Let me write a list of the upcoming posts....
Detroit: The Good, The Bad, and The Lesson
Relationship Escalation: Chosen Family
How JHU Continues to be Trash....except Pathology
OBGYN Mentors: May We Have Them and Trust Them
Where I Am Now
I'm going to do better I promise.
Let me write a list of the upcoming posts....
Detroit: The Good, The Bad, and The Lesson
Relationship Escalation: Chosen Family
How JHU Continues to be Trash....except Pathology
OBGYN Mentors: May We Have Them and Trust Them
Where I Am Now
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Study Days
I did 9 blocks today.....7 of which were brand new questions.
That's what August 2018 is.....nothing but question blocks.
Jesus be a 237 on Step 2CK.
Amen.
That's what August 2018 is.....nothing but question blocks.
Jesus be a 237 on Step 2CK.
Amen.
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
Here We Are Again
LGBT culture is your parents knowing absolutely nothing about you.
This was a tweet I just saw and I think its apropos for this moment.
For my 31st birthday, I posted a status that said
As I walk into not only my 31st trip around the sun and my fourth year of med school, I'm constantly humbled by what it means to be trained to be a Howard physician. I couldn't have dreamed of the opportunities I've had in my training here. I'm amazed by the nurturing relationships I've established and the ways in which I've learned to say no. Being Black, Christian,gay, liberal, Southern, a formally trained scientist, and a med student has its challenges but it also has so much joy. Here's to #30Won!
I posted this on my birthday. Nearly a month later, it was read to my mom verbatim at choir rehearsal.
Now say what you want, I had always intended for my gay life not to interact with my parents little bubble. I realize this is a limiting way to live but, in my opinion, separate was the only way we were going to be happy. They don't want to be the couple with a gay daughter and I'm gay. So my longterm plan has always been to move far enough away that my openly gay future with my wife and kids isn't a thing that readily seeable from NC. I've never voiced this to them but, its nevertheless been my blueprint.
So my mom starts blowing up my phone. I'm ignoring it.
Then my dad calls twice. Now I'm like that's 4 calls.
So I answer....mostly to tell them to stop calling me because every time they call it interrupts my question block as I get calls on my iPad.
Then my mother asks me about this whole post thing.
Then she tells me to take it down.
My dad does too.
I initially refused because as I told them "I'm not ashamed or embarrassed."
My dad's response was "that others' are embarrassed for you."
I ultimately took out just the word "gay."
Not because I'm ashamed, but because I honestly never intended for my life to run into theirs in such an uncontrolled manner.
Coming home with a wife is different from coming home just to say I'm gay.
I'd always intended to say the former.
They are very concerned about their social bubble exploding, about being laughed about behind their backs. My being gay is worse than an out of wedlock child, worse than drugs even.
My being gay someone says to them that they failed.
The conversation they've been having with my sister is
"Why doesn't she think about anyone else?"
"We've done some much for her and she doesn't care"
Neither of these are true. I do care and I do think about other people.
I just didn't realize that in three years you'd do no reconciling about my homosexuality.
I didn't realize that they way you vote isn't the way you feel.
I know they've done a lot for me financially.
They are a huge part of who I am and a huge part of who I am not.
I am my Dad's take care of my family and provide.
I am my Mom's love of books.
I am my Dad's keen interest in administration.
I am my Mom's decorative spark.
But I am not neither of their close-minded ways.
I am not my mother's sorority member.
I am not my father's being fat will hinder you in everything you do.
Yes, I came out to my parents 3 years ago. I came out publicly 4 years ago. Now let me tell what lessons I learned in all of this.
1. They don't honestly believe I'm gay.
I'm not planning to convince them either. If you were to come to my house, you'd know I was gay but I control that narrative but not having all my art on display all the time. It is now because I'm not expecting any company but when my parents come, I have been known to hide a piece of art or two.
Next, I have never thought having a significant other was something to write home about. The two women I've mentioned to my parents have both been women I could see myself marrying. Now, I didn't specifically say those words or even the word girlfriend but I did mention them by name.
They know about my ex.
They know about the math teacher.
They just don't realize they know.
They also don't realize there everyone at my medical school knows. My sister often says that I make my gayness the center of my personality but that's not what I do. What I do is tell people I'm gay upfront because I don't want to waste any of my time, attention, or love on someone who is fundamentally opposed to my life.
That's my goal.
I don't think you deserve me if you have a problem with gay people so I want to know upfront if that's how you feel.
After that, I'm just having general conversation but I need to know where you stand first. And considering that I'm a femme identified, dress wearing, pedicure getting lesbian people will miss that I'm gay if I don't say something.
So I say something to make sure you're worth my time, and then I proceed from there.
That's why the whole school knows, why my mentors know, my friends.
I didn't tell B and D and the rest of my mentors because I had nothing to talk about. I told them because I needed to know who they were as people and because I have a deep need to be known intimately by the people I trust the most. The more information you have about me, the better answer I can get from you about what I should or shouldn't do in any given situation.
As for my parents, they didn't see the scrapbook of me and my ex, didn't read these posts or any posts about her or the math teacher. They didn't see the pictures of the math teacher and I at Winter formal for my med school or out dancing. They didn't know she was coming to my house and we were walking to Coldstone. None of those things are things they know about so for them, it didn't happen.
But it did.
It mattered.
Its important to me.
And if I thought I could show it to you, I would.
2. My plan is a good one because they still don't want me to "bring all that gay shit around us."
Right now, this doesn't really have a lot of purpose.
However, I am going to get married.
I will have a wife.
I will have a wedding.
I plan to have kids.
And I also plan to have a busy academic medicine career.
I'll be taking 4+ calls a month.
I'll be working weekends.
I'll have students who want my input and some who just need me to tell them they're okay, much like I've needed my mentors for.
I say all of this to say, my homosexuality will be a part of everything that happens outside of the hospital. My time will be limited. This means that any time I can spend with my wife and kids, I'll be trying to do just that. Now, if my wife and kids and I, aka my family, can all be around my parents and be treated with respect then we can spend extended weekends in NC.
We can go on vacation with my parents.
But if that's not possible, then I'll be with my family. Maybe they can visit if they know how to act.
If they can understand that this is my family and that all these kids have my last name and that they're all mine regardless of whether or not they came out of my uterus, then they can visit us and my life will remain a non-factor in their bubble in NC.
If that's not the case, catch me at the family reunion with my whole family.
And if my family isn't welcome, I won't be either and none of us will be there.
If they can't tolerate my family coming to NC AND they don't want to accept my family in my own home, they'll see me at family funerals that are inconvenient for my family to attend. I will only leave my family at home if they can't come for a reason of their own schedule, not because you're uncomfortable.
That "don't bring that gay shit around us" thing doesn't leave much room for them to have any type of relationship with me that involves seeing me.
You know what it does leave room for?
All these lovely women who have mentored me becoming the Grandmas that come and stay a week or the people we visit.
There's a Grandma B in the future for sure.
There's a Grandma V.
If my parents abdicate their roles because of their own issues, they'll miss out, because us not coming to NC for the long weekend doesn't mean we aren't going anywhere.
It also doesn't mean we didn't fly Grandma B in to hang out.
Just like we could travel to see my med school friends, we could be traveling to see "chosen family" as well.
And really far down the line, don't be upset when we live in DC, work in DC, and you finally come around to realizing what you're missing and decide to visit only to see all the pictures of all the years you missed.
Births mirroring my own with painted nails cradling my babies that aren't yours...
Vacations with my classmates' families, conferences with my mentors, school plays and recitals and horseback riding competitions and soccer tournaments.
Don't be upset that Grandma B does bedtime with the kids or that they still want to go hang out with her every Saturday like they've been doing.
Don't be mad when they're more interested in their "chosen" cousins than talking to you.
Don't be surprised when I tell you a certain weekend doesn't work or us because we got plans with their Grandma and you and I both know that I don't mean you.
Don't be hurt when you find out that someone my kids call Grandma, lives in our house with us.
Please don't....because actions have consequences.
This was a tweet I just saw and I think its apropos for this moment.
For my 31st birthday, I posted a status that said
As I walk into not only my 31st trip around the sun and my fourth year of med school, I'm constantly humbled by what it means to be trained to be a Howard physician. I couldn't have dreamed of the opportunities I've had in my training here. I'm amazed by the nurturing relationships I've established and the ways in which I've learned to say no. Being Black, Christian,gay, liberal, Southern, a formally trained scientist, and a med student has its challenges but it also has so much joy. Here's to #30Won!
I posted this on my birthday. Nearly a month later, it was read to my mom verbatim at choir rehearsal.
Now say what you want, I had always intended for my gay life not to interact with my parents little bubble. I realize this is a limiting way to live but, in my opinion, separate was the only way we were going to be happy. They don't want to be the couple with a gay daughter and I'm gay. So my longterm plan has always been to move far enough away that my openly gay future with my wife and kids isn't a thing that readily seeable from NC. I've never voiced this to them but, its nevertheless been my blueprint.
So my mom starts blowing up my phone. I'm ignoring it.
Then my dad calls twice. Now I'm like that's 4 calls.
So I answer....mostly to tell them to stop calling me because every time they call it interrupts my question block as I get calls on my iPad.
Then my mother asks me about this whole post thing.
Then she tells me to take it down.
My dad does too.
I initially refused because as I told them "I'm not ashamed or embarrassed."
My dad's response was "that others' are embarrassed for you."
I ultimately took out just the word "gay."
Not because I'm ashamed, but because I honestly never intended for my life to run into theirs in such an uncontrolled manner.
Coming home with a wife is different from coming home just to say I'm gay.
I'd always intended to say the former.
They are very concerned about their social bubble exploding, about being laughed about behind their backs. My being gay is worse than an out of wedlock child, worse than drugs even.
My being gay someone says to them that they failed.
The conversation they've been having with my sister is
"Why doesn't she think about anyone else?"
"We've done some much for her and she doesn't care"
Neither of these are true. I do care and I do think about other people.
I just didn't realize that in three years you'd do no reconciling about my homosexuality.
I didn't realize that they way you vote isn't the way you feel.
I know they've done a lot for me financially.
They are a huge part of who I am and a huge part of who I am not.
I am my Dad's take care of my family and provide.
I am my Mom's love of books.
I am my Dad's keen interest in administration.
I am my Mom's decorative spark.
But I am not neither of their close-minded ways.
I am not my mother's sorority member.
I am not my father's being fat will hinder you in everything you do.
Yes, I came out to my parents 3 years ago. I came out publicly 4 years ago. Now let me tell what lessons I learned in all of this.
1. They don't honestly believe I'm gay.
I'm not planning to convince them either. If you were to come to my house, you'd know I was gay but I control that narrative but not having all my art on display all the time. It is now because I'm not expecting any company but when my parents come, I have been known to hide a piece of art or two.
Next, I have never thought having a significant other was something to write home about. The two women I've mentioned to my parents have both been women I could see myself marrying. Now, I didn't specifically say those words or even the word girlfriend but I did mention them by name.
They know about my ex.
They know about the math teacher.
They just don't realize they know.
They also don't realize there everyone at my medical school knows. My sister often says that I make my gayness the center of my personality but that's not what I do. What I do is tell people I'm gay upfront because I don't want to waste any of my time, attention, or love on someone who is fundamentally opposed to my life.
That's my goal.
I don't think you deserve me if you have a problem with gay people so I want to know upfront if that's how you feel.
After that, I'm just having general conversation but I need to know where you stand first. And considering that I'm a femme identified, dress wearing, pedicure getting lesbian people will miss that I'm gay if I don't say something.
So I say something to make sure you're worth my time, and then I proceed from there.
That's why the whole school knows, why my mentors know, my friends.
I didn't tell B and D and the rest of my mentors because I had nothing to talk about. I told them because I needed to know who they were as people and because I have a deep need to be known intimately by the people I trust the most. The more information you have about me, the better answer I can get from you about what I should or shouldn't do in any given situation.
As for my parents, they didn't see the scrapbook of me and my ex, didn't read these posts or any posts about her or the math teacher. They didn't see the pictures of the math teacher and I at Winter formal for my med school or out dancing. They didn't know she was coming to my house and we were walking to Coldstone. None of those things are things they know about so for them, it didn't happen.
But it did.
It mattered.
Its important to me.
And if I thought I could show it to you, I would.
2. My plan is a good one because they still don't want me to "bring all that gay shit around us."
Right now, this doesn't really have a lot of purpose.
However, I am going to get married.
I will have a wife.
I will have a wedding.
I plan to have kids.
And I also plan to have a busy academic medicine career.
I'll be taking 4+ calls a month.
I'll be working weekends.
I'll have students who want my input and some who just need me to tell them they're okay, much like I've needed my mentors for.
I say all of this to say, my homosexuality will be a part of everything that happens outside of the hospital. My time will be limited. This means that any time I can spend with my wife and kids, I'll be trying to do just that. Now, if my wife and kids and I, aka my family, can all be around my parents and be treated with respect then we can spend extended weekends in NC.
We can go on vacation with my parents.
But if that's not possible, then I'll be with my family. Maybe they can visit if they know how to act.
If they can understand that this is my family and that all these kids have my last name and that they're all mine regardless of whether or not they came out of my uterus, then they can visit us and my life will remain a non-factor in their bubble in NC.
If that's not the case, catch me at the family reunion with my whole family.
And if my family isn't welcome, I won't be either and none of us will be there.
If they can't tolerate my family coming to NC AND they don't want to accept my family in my own home, they'll see me at family funerals that are inconvenient for my family to attend. I will only leave my family at home if they can't come for a reason of their own schedule, not because you're uncomfortable.
That "don't bring that gay shit around us" thing doesn't leave much room for them to have any type of relationship with me that involves seeing me.
You know what it does leave room for?
All these lovely women who have mentored me becoming the Grandmas that come and stay a week or the people we visit.
There's a Grandma B in the future for sure.
There's a Grandma V.
If my parents abdicate their roles because of their own issues, they'll miss out, because us not coming to NC for the long weekend doesn't mean we aren't going anywhere.
It also doesn't mean we didn't fly Grandma B in to hang out.
Just like we could travel to see my med school friends, we could be traveling to see "chosen family" as well.
And really far down the line, don't be upset when we live in DC, work in DC, and you finally come around to realizing what you're missing and decide to visit only to see all the pictures of all the years you missed.
Births mirroring my own with painted nails cradling my babies that aren't yours...
Vacations with my classmates' families, conferences with my mentors, school plays and recitals and horseback riding competitions and soccer tournaments.
Don't be upset that Grandma B does bedtime with the kids or that they still want to go hang out with her every Saturday like they've been doing.
Don't be mad when they're more interested in their "chosen" cousins than talking to you.
Don't be surprised when I tell you a certain weekend doesn't work or us because we got plans with their Grandma and you and I both know that I don't mean you.
Don't be hurt when you find out that someone my kids call Grandma, lives in our house with us.
Please don't....because actions have consequences.
Saturday, July 28, 2018
I'd be on the 1st thing smokin....
You know....I was on the phone with a friend and I realized some things.
I realized that in the same non-life threatening situation, I'd come back to DC to see about B but I probably wouldn't do that for my own mother.
That's a hard truth to reconcile.
What makes that truth?
What makes that possible?
Didn't see take care of my all my life?
Wasn't she always there?
Yes, she did take care of me...financially.
But emotionally....that's what I needed and that's what she couldn't do.
You see she simply wasn't equipped.
I think she was and is doing the best she can but I needed more.
I needed someone to tell me that I was good
that I was ok
that there wasn't anything wrong with me
that they needed me.
And my mom seems to be especially good at telling me what isn't right with me
and how I'm not ok.
She picks out my flaws with surgical precision
but I am a surgeon.
I can see them too.
I can dissect them too.
I don't need that from the outside.
I need an unconditional situation.
I need to be okay around you.
I need to know that when you touch me, it'll always be loving.
Not because of spanking but because of all the times you pinched my sides
and offered a comment unsolicited.
I need hugs
and laughter
and truth delivered with love
and to just be.
And the gratitude....
It oozes out of B.
I need to feel needed.
Whereas in other spaces its "why didn't you do this? or why didn't you think to do this?"
Its so many things about the environment around her
and its me.
Its how I feel around her.
Its knowing that I'd show up to see about B and she'd be happy to see me
and wouldn't find a flaw in me
And that same safety doesn't exist elsewhere.
So yea, I'll probably always come see about B.
B is B.
I'm safe in her presence so its her presence I'll seek.
That's the reconciliation.
I realized that in the same non-life threatening situation, I'd come back to DC to see about B but I probably wouldn't do that for my own mother.
That's a hard truth to reconcile.
What makes that truth?
What makes that possible?
Didn't see take care of my all my life?
Wasn't she always there?
Yes, she did take care of me...financially.
But emotionally....that's what I needed and that's what she couldn't do.
You see she simply wasn't equipped.
I think she was and is doing the best she can but I needed more.
I needed someone to tell me that I was good
that I was ok
that there wasn't anything wrong with me
that they needed me.
And my mom seems to be especially good at telling me what isn't right with me
and how I'm not ok.
She picks out my flaws with surgical precision
but I am a surgeon.
I can see them too.
I can dissect them too.
I don't need that from the outside.
I need an unconditional situation.
I need to be okay around you.
I need to know that when you touch me, it'll always be loving.
Not because of spanking but because of all the times you pinched my sides
and offered a comment unsolicited.
I need hugs
and laughter
and truth delivered with love
and to just be.
And the gratitude....
It oozes out of B.
I need to feel needed.
Whereas in other spaces its "why didn't you do this? or why didn't you think to do this?"
Its so many things about the environment around her
and its me.
Its how I feel around her.
Its knowing that I'd show up to see about B and she'd be happy to see me
and wouldn't find a flaw in me
And that same safety doesn't exist elsewhere.
So yea, I'll probably always come see about B.
B is B.
I'm safe in her presence so its her presence I'll seek.
That's the reconciliation.
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Mentors and Weddings and Random Thoughts
My mentors have been so important to me for so long.
I think to honor their position in my life I'll have them listed in the program and seated prominently.
It'll be
the oldest members of the my family
My mentors
My mother
Then I'll be walking down the aisle.
I might have two of them lead some of the ceremonies I want at my wedding as well or read from the Bible.
I want a hand fasting ceremony and a Native American blessing as well.
We shall see.
But I can't see myself getting married without them by my side.
And of course all of this assumes my mother is coming to my wedding. Her MOFO is strong so she probably will lol.
You never know.
I might end up getting walked down the aisle by my mentors so we shall see!
Below are the words for a handfasting tweaked to apply to me.
I think to honor their position in my life I'll have them listed in the program and seated prominently.
It'll be
the oldest members of the my family
My mentors
My mother
Then I'll be walking down the aisle.
I might have two of them lead some of the ceremonies I want at my wedding as well or read from the Bible.
I want a hand fasting ceremony and a Native American blessing as well.
We shall see.
But I can't see myself getting married without them by my side.
And of course all of this assumes my mother is coming to my wedding. Her MOFO is strong so she probably will lol.
You never know.
I might end up getting walked down the aisle by my mentors so we shall see!
Below are the words for a handfasting tweaked to apply to me.
These are the hands of your best friend, young and
strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as
she promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work along side
yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your
innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands you will place with expectant
joy against your stomach, until she too, feels her child stir within you.
These are the hands that work to save lives, yet
will be so gentle as they holds your baby for the first time.
These are the hands that will work long hours for
you and your new family
These are that hands that will passionately love
you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe
the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy
These are the hands that will comfort you in
illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your
chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into her eyes: eyes
that are filled completely with her overwhelming love and desire for you.
These are the hands of your best friend, smooth,
young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges
her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in
tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging
them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go
These are the hands that will work along side
yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share
your innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you
struggle through difficult times
These are the hands that will comfort you when you
are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
They are the hands that will passionately love you
and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will hold you in joy and
excitement and hope, each time that together we have created a new life.
These are the hands that will give you support as
she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything
you wish for can be realized.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Dreams Made Real
Its the ways you keep showing up.....
I was sitting in the nursery at Howard and this day dream happened to me
I was walking into our hospital room and you were holding this baby,
our baby,
to your breast and I was awestruck
I was looking at houses and I saw you in the kitchen...then I saw me walking up behind you, putting my arms around you and getting on your nerves while you tried to cook.
I was playing the piano and you came up behind me and put your arms around me and said come to bed.
And then that living dream where you came to the hospital I could potentially train at
to pick something up from me
like any regular couple would when one person is on call and the other is at home
And I thought about all those regular weekends that that could happen.
How that could be our normal.
And how normal we would show so many people gay love can be.
Normal and extraordinary.
Every day and captivating.
I get in the car on my way to NC and there are so many times I wish the first door I was opening was the passenger's side door for you.
So many places I go that I wish you were with me.
And I try not to dream....I try not to get carried away. I shake my head to get these thoughts out of there.
But I think about the leaves changing
and driving up to your house, packing you a bag, and going to a bed and breakfast for the weekend.
All the memories my 4th year could hold as the foundation of a future together.
Foot rubs and lesson planning.
House hunting and baking for Pi day.
More hikes, more movies, more bachata.
Time is so precious and I'd like to give mine to you.
And I have to try.
I have to see if my dream could be our reality.
I was sitting in the nursery at Howard and this day dream happened to me
I was walking into our hospital room and you were holding this baby,
our baby,
to your breast and I was awestruck
I was looking at houses and I saw you in the kitchen...then I saw me walking up behind you, putting my arms around you and getting on your nerves while you tried to cook.
I was playing the piano and you came up behind me and put your arms around me and said come to bed.
And then that living dream where you came to the hospital I could potentially train at
to pick something up from me
like any regular couple would when one person is on call and the other is at home
And I thought about all those regular weekends that that could happen.
How that could be our normal.
And how normal we would show so many people gay love can be.
Normal and extraordinary.
Every day and captivating.
I get in the car on my way to NC and there are so many times I wish the first door I was opening was the passenger's side door for you.
So many places I go that I wish you were with me.
And I try not to dream....I try not to get carried away. I shake my head to get these thoughts out of there.
But I think about the leaves changing
and driving up to your house, packing you a bag, and going to a bed and breakfast for the weekend.
All the memories my 4th year could hold as the foundation of a future together.
Foot rubs and lesson planning.
House hunting and baking for Pi day.
More hikes, more movies, more bachata.
Time is so precious and I'd like to give mine to you.
And I have to try.
I have to see if my dream could be our reality.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
85%....
Sometimes I think a lot.
Ok all the time I think a lot.
Let me slide this to you real quick.
The math teacher right?
She told me a few weeks ago that she did two things: she prayed about who to be with and she made a pros and cons list.
I have two thoughts about that.
1. You're telling me this and also telling me you haven't talked to anyone else about it. But you're talking to me about it. If you haven't talked to the girl you're with about it, then I have to ask you why you're more comfortable talking to me about your inner most thoughts and prayers than the person you're with? I'm just saying I want to be able to talk to my wife about everything and if I'm experiencing that kind of freedom somewhere else....I'd think about what that really means.
2. You've been dating this girl for a while.
Longer than you dated me.
You talk to her more than you talk to me.
You spend more time with her than you spend with me.
If after all the time you've spent with her, she's indistinguishable from me then she's not making a solid enough impression.
I would assume that with that much time together, she'd easily come out on top of a pros and cons list.
Now I know I'm different.
I won't even call you my girlfriend without knowing that there's a 85% chance I'll ask you to marry me. Me wanting you to eventually be my wife is a condition for a relationship. I know that's not what most people do.
But honestly, if you're more comfortable being transparent with me and in less time I've made an equal impression on you of how happy we could be together, I think you should consider that at face value.
That's data.
Good solid data that says to me that maybe you should see what dating me is like.
Yea I know I'm biased but I also think I've made some valid points here. This is just what's been rattling around in my head since that convo.
I'm just waiting for her to come do this thing with me so I can take her on the interview trail so she can help me decide where we're going to live since I do want to ask her to be my girlfriend meaning that 85% thing is true for me currently.
And no...I'm not kidding.
Friday, July 6, 2018
The Sweeter It Is
No this isn't about the math teacher.
This is about my mentor.
The one who use to be so important to me had stricken herself from the roster of my heart. The one I chose back continues to show me why that was probably the best decision I made this academic year.
My ex-mentor promised to do something for me for my academic future months ago. Then this week. Then she backed out the day before I needed it.
I called the one I chose and she turned it around in less than 24 hours.
Also I had given her some space because she was overwhelmed and I promise you, she was singing my name when I walked in her office. We had dinner, we read some studies, we edited some reports, she drove me to my car, and I went home.
Let me tell you something.
You cannot know what you have unless you've had worse.
I've had worse.
I've had being blindsided by mood swings.
I've been stranded.
I've been heartbroken.
And now I know what its like to turn the corner and have someone be thrilled to see me.
To have someone have my back for real.
To have someone who is both my friend and my mentor.
To get picked up, dusted off, fed, and loved.
I am so unreservedly grateful for B in my life.
And even when we get on each others' nerves, which being around someone a lot will do to the most understanding of people, we come back to "Where is she?" sooner rather than later.
I love her.
I'm so glad I said yes when my heart was broken because she's the gold that put it back together.
This is about my mentor.
The one who use to be so important to me had stricken herself from the roster of my heart. The one I chose back continues to show me why that was probably the best decision I made this academic year.
My ex-mentor promised to do something for me for my academic future months ago. Then this week. Then she backed out the day before I needed it.
I called the one I chose and she turned it around in less than 24 hours.
Also I had given her some space because she was overwhelmed and I promise you, she was singing my name when I walked in her office. We had dinner, we read some studies, we edited some reports, she drove me to my car, and I went home.
Let me tell you something.
You cannot know what you have unless you've had worse.
I've had worse.
I've had being blindsided by mood swings.
I've been stranded.
I've been heartbroken.
And now I know what its like to turn the corner and have someone be thrilled to see me.
To have someone have my back for real.
To have someone who is both my friend and my mentor.
To get picked up, dusted off, fed, and loved.
I am so unreservedly grateful for B in my life.
And even when we get on each others' nerves, which being around someone a lot will do to the most understanding of people, we come back to "Where is she?" sooner rather than later.
I love her.
I'm so glad I said yes when my heart was broken because she's the gold that put it back together.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
For the Last Time
So it happens like this:
She texts me, I text her back.
She come back into my consciousness and unconsciousness.
I promised I day dreamed about walking into a hospital room and seeing her in the bed after having our baby and I smiled.
I was cooking and then I was in done alternate reality where she was cooking and I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her, started kissing her neck, and then I was back in my apartment alone.
I like hearing from her.
I still like her.
I said in my head the other day “I’m glad my wife’s program went well” then I shook my head to shake that thought away.
That’s the hard apart. She seeps back in.
I wish she’s just stay.
Or go.
And if she comes back, I want it to be for real.
Like I’m single, let’s see if this could work for real.
I’ve got one last great romance in me and I’d like to share it with her.
She texts me, I text her back.
She come back into my consciousness and unconsciousness.
I promised I day dreamed about walking into a hospital room and seeing her in the bed after having our baby and I smiled.
I was cooking and then I was in done alternate reality where she was cooking and I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her, started kissing her neck, and then I was back in my apartment alone.
I like hearing from her.
I still like her.
I said in my head the other day “I’m glad my wife’s program went well” then I shook my head to shake that thought away.
That’s the hard apart. She seeps back in.
I wish she’s just stay.
Or go.
And if she comes back, I want it to be for real.
Like I’m single, let’s see if this could work for real.
I’ve got one last great romance in me and I’d like to share it with her.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
His Purpose in my chaos
When she loved me after the other one left me without so much as an explanation,
She showed me I was still lovable.
I’m eternally grateful for the fact that she chose me and didn’t rush me into choosing her back.
I know this year could have possibly gone very differently had she not made that decision.
I’m so glad I trusted God when I was heartbroken and His plan and purpose were made perfect in my chaos.
She showed me I was still lovable.
I’m eternally grateful for the fact that she chose me and didn’t rush me into choosing her back.
I know this year could have possibly gone very differently had she not made that decision.
I’m so glad I trusted God when I was heartbroken and His plan and purpose were made perfect in my chaos.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Certainty after Heartbreak
I know we've got something solid.
I'm certain of it.
Its in the things she tells me and the way she treats me.
Its in the way she talks to me and the vulnerability she displays.
I know its real.
But that doesn't mean I don't get scared.
Like when she doesn't text me back quickly.
Or when I haven't heard from her in a few days.
I know we're fine.
But I still have to talk myself into believing that.
I still have to remind myself of how good I am to her and how well I treat her.
I still have to tell myself stories of all the evidence that I have against her disappearing.
Because the truth is, once someone's left you like that
Once someone you never expected to dessert you
does....
it changes you.
It makes you scared.
So I know you're busy.
I know that you're not intentionally ignoring me and trying to send me into a tail spin.
We talked about it even....that that was something I was scared of.
And you were offended that I'd ever think you were capable of such cruelty.
I know we're good.
I talked to you yesterday.
But being left changes you.
I'm so glad that being left didn't make me closed off to you when you showed up.
Choosing you back was the best decision I made this year.
But that scar remains.
So I'll talk to myself,
I'll reassure myself,
until I hear from you.
Because we're good.
I'm certain of it.
I'm certain of it.
Its in the things she tells me and the way she treats me.
Its in the way she talks to me and the vulnerability she displays.
I know its real.
But that doesn't mean I don't get scared.
Like when she doesn't text me back quickly.
Or when I haven't heard from her in a few days.
I know we're fine.
But I still have to talk myself into believing that.
I still have to remind myself of how good I am to her and how well I treat her.
I still have to tell myself stories of all the evidence that I have against her disappearing.
Because the truth is, once someone's left you like that
Once someone you never expected to dessert you
does....
it changes you.
It makes you scared.
So I know you're busy.
I know that you're not intentionally ignoring me and trying to send me into a tail spin.
We talked about it even....that that was something I was scared of.
And you were offended that I'd ever think you were capable of such cruelty.
I know we're good.
I talked to you yesterday.
But being left changes you.
I'm so glad that being left didn't make me closed off to you when you showed up.
Choosing you back was the best decision I made this year.
But that scar remains.
So I'll talk to myself,
I'll reassure myself,
until I hear from you.
Because we're good.
I'm certain of it.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Let It Be Known
Let it be known
that our God saves
our God reigns
We lift You up up!
Let it be known
That loves has come
Love has won!
We lift You up!
These words were the chorus of the song my church song on this, the first Sunday of Pride month. I’m so proud to go to such a progressive, culturally sensitive and aware, affirming Black Baptist Church. I’m so happy to have received my full immersion baptism at this church and to go there to grow and learn in all my identities: Black, lesbian, and female.
Love has won!
that our God saves
our God reigns
We lift You up up!
Let it be known
That loves has come
Love has won!
We lift You up!
These words were the chorus of the song my church song on this, the first Sunday of Pride month. I’m so proud to go to such a progressive, culturally sensitive and aware, affirming Black Baptist Church. I’m so happy to have received my full immersion baptism at this church and to go there to grow and learn in all my identities: Black, lesbian, and female.
Love has won!
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Clarity in Solitude
If in the span of a month, we can hang out a few times and you figure out you not only have feelings for me but that they are powerful enough that we can't communicate without the situation getting messy, might that mean you aren't as serious about your current relationship situation as you think you are?
I'm just wondering.
I was thinking about that the other day. If my interactions with someone were powerful enough that I was no longer able to clearly articulate why I should stay in the relationship I'm in .....I'd need some time alone to sort that out.
And by alone I mean time away from both parties.
But that's just how I am.
That's what I did months ago. I'd made a commitment. I wasn't over my ex. I wasn't ready to be with the math teacher. So I stepped away from both.
And when I reemerged, I was ready to be of some good to somebody!
Maybe that's not how other people operate.
I wonder if she was as brutally honest with the other girl about her feelings as she was with me?
Does she know about your prayers for clarity?
Does she know about your pros and cons list?
Did she know about your prayer life in general prior to this?
Who knows.
My prayers are simple. My requests are plain.
Love, fidelity, and devotion.
Lord, I want a wife who does these things.
And You know exactly what I'll give her in return.
That's it.
Selah
I'm just wondering.
I was thinking about that the other day. If my interactions with someone were powerful enough that I was no longer able to clearly articulate why I should stay in the relationship I'm in .....I'd need some time alone to sort that out.
And by alone I mean time away from both parties.
But that's just how I am.
That's what I did months ago. I'd made a commitment. I wasn't over my ex. I wasn't ready to be with the math teacher. So I stepped away from both.
And when I reemerged, I was ready to be of some good to somebody!
Maybe that's not how other people operate.
I wonder if she was as brutally honest with the other girl about her feelings as she was with me?
Does she know about your prayers for clarity?
Does she know about your pros and cons list?
Did she know about your prayer life in general prior to this?
Who knows.
My prayers are simple. My requests are plain.
Love, fidelity, and devotion.
Lord, I want a wife who does these things.
And You know exactly what I'll give her in return.
That's it.
Selah
You Should Thank My Mentor
I have a main.
She's awesome.
And she's the only reason I'm about to text you.
She's the only reason its possible for you to stay in my life.
You should thank her.
Cause my decision was made.
I ran it by her and she led me a different direction.
You know, that's what having a mentor is about.
Its about being willing to trust someone else's judgement over your own.
And I trust her because she's proven herself to be worthy of that trust.
Thank her next time you see her.
She's your saving grace in this situation.
She's awesome.
And she's the only reason I'm about to text you.
She's the only reason its possible for you to stay in my life.
You should thank her.
Cause my decision was made.
I ran it by her and she led me a different direction.
You know, that's what having a mentor is about.
Its about being willing to trust someone else's judgement over your own.
And I trust her because she's proven herself to be worthy of that trust.
Thank her next time you see her.
She's your saving grace in this situation.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Jagged Edge Lyrics Or My Life?
I miss talking to her.
I miss hanging out with her.
But she's not mine to miss.
I was listening to Pandora and this song came on...
True Man by Jagged Edge
I miss hanging out with her.
But she's not mine to miss.
I was listening to Pandora and this song came on...
True Man by Jagged Edge
For now.....
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Alumnifolk Ain't Always Kinfolk
Its the end of third year.
I know how to take a history.
I know how to do a physical.
I know how to write a note.
Why are you coming at me like I'm dumb?
This MD today came for us Howard students like she's not a Howard Alum her damn self?!?!?
She acted like if we missed one day of in patient, our patients would go without food and water until we got back!
She acted like if we don't show up to take care of our patients, no one else in the hospital will see them and they'll suffer and potentially die without us.
First calm down. That won't happen.
Secondly, we are missing time to take a national examination. No one is taking vacation.
We are taking one of the 4 exams we are required to take to become physicians.
And I know you interview people who haven't taken this test yet, but that's not the way we do things at Howard.
We all try and take the exam in the summer during out last rotation and your rotation IS our last rotation.
And then God forbid, this student asked about space to study. She got all huffy and was like You probably wont' be able to study because we expect you to be ACTIVE participants in your patients care yada yada yada.
I was so tired.
Take me back home to Howard.
Girl....the man asked for space to study. Not space to nap!
And unlike the students from the White school down the street, we actually have to honor the Pediatrics Shelf, a nationwide exam, to honor this course.
So yes, we do come across differently.
We want to study.
We want to be left alone because this test stands between us and an H.
White school students want to be bothered with whatever you can find for them to do because they're entire grade is predicated on making you happy and you wasting their time won't reflect negatively on their transcript.
It'll negatively affect ours. So please spare me they're better students. They aren't. They're just graded based mostly only how much you like them and how agreeable they are and we are graded based on data.
Standardized, nationwide, unbiased data.
Yea, she pissed me off today. I care about my patients lady. I care about my education. Don't treat me like a child.
Also, since you're such an asshole, Its Dr.
My name starts with Dr.
I know how to take a history.
I know how to do a physical.
I know how to write a note.
Why are you coming at me like I'm dumb?
This MD today came for us Howard students like she's not a Howard Alum her damn self?!?!?
She acted like if we missed one day of in patient, our patients would go without food and water until we got back!
She acted like if we don't show up to take care of our patients, no one else in the hospital will see them and they'll suffer and potentially die without us.
First calm down. That won't happen.
Secondly, we are missing time to take a national examination. No one is taking vacation.
We are taking one of the 4 exams we are required to take to become physicians.
And I know you interview people who haven't taken this test yet, but that's not the way we do things at Howard.
We all try and take the exam in the summer during out last rotation and your rotation IS our last rotation.
And then God forbid, this student asked about space to study. She got all huffy and was like You probably wont' be able to study because we expect you to be ACTIVE participants in your patients care yada yada yada.
I was so tired.
Take me back home to Howard.
Girl....the man asked for space to study. Not space to nap!
And unlike the students from the White school down the street, we actually have to honor the Pediatrics Shelf, a nationwide exam, to honor this course.
So yes, we do come across differently.
We want to study.
We want to be left alone because this test stands between us and an H.
White school students want to be bothered with whatever you can find for them to do because they're entire grade is predicated on making you happy and you wasting their time won't reflect negatively on their transcript.
It'll negatively affect ours. So please spare me they're better students. They aren't. They're just graded based mostly only how much you like them and how agreeable they are and we are graded based on data.
Standardized, nationwide, unbiased data.
Yea, she pissed me off today. I care about my patients lady. I care about my education. Don't treat me like a child.
Also, since you're such an asshole, Its Dr.
My name starts with Dr.
Monday, May 21, 2018
Rules: 250,345 Go With The Flow: 0
I knew this was an untenable position.
I knew you liked me.
I knew you had a girlfriend.
What I didn't expect was that you didn't realize you liked me and that this had the potential to get messy.
I thought you knew that. When I realized you didn't, I went ahead and led you to that conclusion.
Then you made the decision I've become accustomed to.
You picked the other girl.
I knew it was coming.
Because I'm a great girl and I'll make a phenomenal wife, but people usually pick they girl they've kissed (or done much more with) over the girl they haven't.
I'm just glad I realized what was going on well before I spent way to much money trying to convince you I was the better choice.
I'm also glad I realized what was going on before I got hurt.
You see the rules are in place for a reason. They keep my safe.
I realize its a rigid way to be. But thankfully, because many don't know how my mind compartmentalizes relationships, they don't know how I actually think about them.
Time tells me so much about a relationship. Can you really do this? Are you really in this for the long haul? Show me.
But yes, I saw this coming.
The moment she called to tell me that that girl was actually her girlfriend and that she had lied about it when I first asked....I knew this wasn't going to end well.
I knew this because its the same phone call my ex made. And unwisely I thought I could persuade her to pick me.
This time I knew better. I know that being with someone isn't something people are convinced of. They just pick.
And the only time I've ever the chosen one is academically.
Is my self esteem affected? Not really.
I'd already decided a week before, that I probably needed to fade to black after I called her and they were together running mundane errands. That was my sign that they were serious. That was my cue to quietly exit.
But then she texted me asking to talk.
So we did.
And that conversation finally led her to the conclusion that she is the one that actually isn't capable of being friends.
She ended her text message with maybe one day she'll text me and tell me that she messed up.
Yea maybe.
I won't hold my breath.
I've seen this thing play out from start to finish before.
I'll be surprised if I ever hear from her again.
This is why the rules exist.
Because people will hurt you, if you let them in too close too soon.
I knew you liked me.
I knew you had a girlfriend.
What I didn't expect was that you didn't realize you liked me and that this had the potential to get messy.
I thought you knew that. When I realized you didn't, I went ahead and led you to that conclusion.
Then you made the decision I've become accustomed to.
You picked the other girl.
I knew it was coming.
Because I'm a great girl and I'll make a phenomenal wife, but people usually pick they girl they've kissed (or done much more with) over the girl they haven't.
I'm just glad I realized what was going on well before I spent way to much money trying to convince you I was the better choice.
I'm also glad I realized what was going on before I got hurt.
You see the rules are in place for a reason. They keep my safe.
I realize its a rigid way to be. But thankfully, because many don't know how my mind compartmentalizes relationships, they don't know how I actually think about them.
Time tells me so much about a relationship. Can you really do this? Are you really in this for the long haul? Show me.
But yes, I saw this coming.
The moment she called to tell me that that girl was actually her girlfriend and that she had lied about it when I first asked....I knew this wasn't going to end well.
I knew this because its the same phone call my ex made. And unwisely I thought I could persuade her to pick me.
This time I knew better. I know that being with someone isn't something people are convinced of. They just pick.
And the only time I've ever the chosen one is academically.
Is my self esteem affected? Not really.
I'd already decided a week before, that I probably needed to fade to black after I called her and they were together running mundane errands. That was my sign that they were serious. That was my cue to quietly exit.
But then she texted me asking to talk.
So we did.
And that conversation finally led her to the conclusion that she is the one that actually isn't capable of being friends.
She ended her text message with maybe one day she'll text me and tell me that she messed up.
Yea maybe.
I won't hold my breath.
I've seen this thing play out from start to finish before.
I'll be surprised if I ever hear from her again.
This is why the rules exist.
Because people will hurt you, if you let them in too close too soon.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Two Princesses are better than One
My friend pointed out that in two different situations, similar things have happened to me.
I like a girl.
I show her the world.
She picks someone else. (Details matter but in the context he was pointing out something else.)
He went on to say "What's wrong with your picker?"
You continuously pick girls who are willing to split their attention to some degree, essentially string you along or cheat with you, and eventually they make a real decision when forced to.
I thought about that.
And this is what I think.
My preference is for women of a certain size. I prefer my women size 18+. Ideally, I like a 22.
22 is real nice.
Real
Nice.
And that means my preference is for a type of woman that typically isn't widely sought after. Many will sleep with a curvy girl but they won't wife her.
I want to wife her.
Its the only kind of girl that I want to wife.
Thus is the only kind of girl that I want to date.
And what I've noticed is that when you shower a girl who isn't told very often with "you're beautiful" "You're sexy" and "I think the world of you" they're not used to hearing it and they don't want to stop hearing it.
So even if they aren't going to pick you, they still want you to talk to them like that and treat them like a rockstar.
There's a level of insecurity there too. Because most girls I like haven't had a ton of opportunities to have two people be very serious about them. And they don't want to be so transparent about who they will or won't pick because they'll lose the attention of the other and that's attention they enjoy, have never had, and probably feel they will never have again.
And honestly, with me, you won't.
I'm not going to show you that again unless you pick me.
I will show any girl I might like that I'm capable of this but if you show me that you aren't as serious about me back or that you won't commit, I'm going to pull back.
Not because you're not a princess but because I am too!
I like a girl.
I show her the world.
She picks someone else. (Details matter but in the context he was pointing out something else.)
He went on to say "What's wrong with your picker?"
You continuously pick girls who are willing to split their attention to some degree, essentially string you along or cheat with you, and eventually they make a real decision when forced to.
I thought about that.
And this is what I think.
My preference is for women of a certain size. I prefer my women size 18+. Ideally, I like a 22.
22 is real nice.
Real
Nice.
And that means my preference is for a type of woman that typically isn't widely sought after. Many will sleep with a curvy girl but they won't wife her.
I want to wife her.
Its the only kind of girl that I want to wife.
Thus is the only kind of girl that I want to date.
And what I've noticed is that when you shower a girl who isn't told very often with "you're beautiful" "You're sexy" and "I think the world of you" they're not used to hearing it and they don't want to stop hearing it.
So even if they aren't going to pick you, they still want you to talk to them like that and treat them like a rockstar.
There's a level of insecurity there too. Because most girls I like haven't had a ton of opportunities to have two people be very serious about them. And they don't want to be so transparent about who they will or won't pick because they'll lose the attention of the other and that's attention they enjoy, have never had, and probably feel they will never have again.
And honestly, with me, you won't.
I'm not going to show you that again unless you pick me.
I will show any girl I might like that I'm capable of this but if you show me that you aren't as serious about me back or that you won't commit, I'm going to pull back.
Not because you're not a princess but because I am too!
Saturday, May 19, 2018
If She Was a Man...?
So in my last post I wrote this
"At some point, I hope she breaks its off with the girl.
I can tell you this.....I won't stay around if she doesn't.
If I get the feeling things are getting more serious between them, I'll just end this thing we are doing.
Because friendship applications aren't open.
I'm trying to date you.
I'm trying to make you mine.
That's what I'm here for.
I've got mentors, besties, med school besties, my boys and applying to get in the door with Obstetrics and Gynecology.
That's plenty.
So if you're not here for the role of girlfriend/future wife, I've got other things that need my attention."
And you know what happened? Something to make it clear to me that things are getting more serious between them.
I called her. She answered. She was with her girlfriend doing a mundane errand. You know who you do that with? Someone you're serious about.
Later on she posted pictures of them.
That was it.
After that I talked to this guy I know who's really good at reading people.
He said something very simple to me.
"What would your interpretation of her behavior be if she was a man?"
And I had my answer. She's be a fuck boy and I'd be like bye girl.
So that was my final decision.
Bye girl.
I've got other things that need my attention.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Love, Simon
So we went to a movie....
then dinner....
then dessert.
If it looks like a duck, waddles, and quacks? Its a duck.
If it looks like a date, lasts until midnight, and you wanted to kiss her after? Its a date.
I really want to understand what's happening but I also like what's going on and don't want it to stop.
We hang out. Its like what I would think having her as a girlfriend is like except I don't talk to her as much as I'd like to. I mean you should have seen the set up.
Are you here yet?
No, I'm getting candy. What do you want?
Snickers or anything peanut butter and chocolate?
Cool. Got it. Coming now
Its so regular you could almost thing its the real thing but its not. And that's what I have to remind myself of all the time.
She's coming to my celibacy celebration dinner on Thursday.
We're probably going to see Disobedience in theaters soon.
At some point, I hope she breaks its off with the girl.
I can tell you this.....I won't stay around if she doesn't.
If I get the feeling things are getting more serious between them, I'll just end this thing we are doing.
Because friendship applications aren't open.
I'm trying to date you.
I'm trying to make you mine.
That's what I'm here for.
I've got mentors, besties, med school besties, my boys and applying to get in the door with Obstetrics and Gynecology.
That's plenty.
So if you're not here for the role of girlfriend/future wife, I've got other things that need my attention.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Hiking and Bachata
So many things. So I went hiking with the math teacher. We talked, we laughed. I said I was going to Bachata lessons the next day and she decided to come as well. The next day we danced for an hour and I’d be remissed if I didn’t mention that there was a moment where a kiss was surely a possibility. Now that’s where it gets interesting.
So I told my friends about this and let’s just say the friend crew wasn’t too happy. I love Wodes because she’s so damn protective of me. I think watching me work through things with my ex and getting over her plus the loss of one of my major mentors has made her weary of anything she thinks might wound me deeply. She says she just doesn’t have a good feeling about this situation. She thinks me and the math teacher have too much chemistry to be doing things alone. She knows I’m not going to let myself go but so far but she also doesn’t have a good grasp on what the math teacher may or may not do.
My other friend is like you’re always in control of what you do so you’re not gonna do something you don’t want to do or let something happen that you don’t want to happen so she thinks it’s ok but she also says y’all never were friends so this process is a little weird. She said it was especially weird because both the math teacher and myself know that I want to date her and that I want her current gf to go away so I can be her gf.
The boys on the other hand are like everything isn’t black and white and you’ve always stayed in the black and white. Live in the gray a little.
I tend to side more with I’m not gonna do anything I’ll regret. I also tend to be the type that will say “let me show you why I’m better than what you’ve got.” We shall see. I spent a ton of time with her this past weekend and that was odd. We aren’t usually together.
I’m not torn about what to do as much as I’m annoyed still that she has a gf. I’m single so I can hang with whoever I want in whatever way. As I’m approaching my decade of celibacy, I’m struck by the fact that I thought I was demisexual may have just been me suppressing that drive so thoroughly that it was a none issue. I thought I must need a deep emotional attachment to feel that for someone but maybe it was just a non starter because it was a flat no for me.
Let’s just say I’ve had more than one thought of a particular nature about this girl.
So I told my friends about this and let’s just say the friend crew wasn’t too happy. I love Wodes because she’s so damn protective of me. I think watching me work through things with my ex and getting over her plus the loss of one of my major mentors has made her weary of anything she thinks might wound me deeply. She says she just doesn’t have a good feeling about this situation. She thinks me and the math teacher have too much chemistry to be doing things alone. She knows I’m not going to let myself go but so far but she also doesn’t have a good grasp on what the math teacher may or may not do.
My other friend is like you’re always in control of what you do so you’re not gonna do something you don’t want to do or let something happen that you don’t want to happen so she thinks it’s ok but she also says y’all never were friends so this process is a little weird. She said it was especially weird because both the math teacher and myself know that I want to date her and that I want her current gf to go away so I can be her gf.
The boys on the other hand are like everything isn’t black and white and you’ve always stayed in the black and white. Live in the gray a little.
I tend to side more with I’m not gonna do anything I’ll regret. I also tend to be the type that will say “let me show you why I’m better than what you’ve got.” We shall see. I spent a ton of time with her this past weekend and that was odd. We aren’t usually together.
I’m not torn about what to do as much as I’m annoyed still that she has a gf. I’m single so I can hang with whoever I want in whatever way. As I’m approaching my decade of celibacy, I’m struck by the fact that I thought I was demisexual may have just been me suppressing that drive so thoroughly that it was a none issue. I thought I must need a deep emotional attachment to feel that for someone but maybe it was just a non starter because it was a flat no for me.
Let’s just say I’ve had more than one thought of a particular nature about this girl.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
What A Week
A bitch is weary.
Let's recap.
So Monday, B got back from the wedding and I found out that Mom had fallen.
Now, who's mom?
Mom in this story is my mentor's mom. She's 94. And completely clothed in her right mind. She tells everyone that I have a PhD and I'm going into OBGYN and I'm going to be dean when they come in and I'm visiting with her.
Nevertheless, Mom comes in and get's a CT scan and she's got 3 broken ribs. Then the trauma team wants a full workup because she fell. And then she gets admitted to the Surgery ICU.
Sidenote: If I was going to be admitted to HUH, I'd want to go to the SICU or OB. No where else.
So Monday, I was at school until 1:30 am.
Tuesday.....same thing. This was kind of a life changing situation, Mom falling that is. Mom has always been independent. Until the fire, she was going up and down 4 flights of steps in her house. Mom was mobile as hell even though she doesn't drive. Well that's changed.And this is a huge change for my mentor. So I really just wanted to be there for her.
Wednesday...same thing. We usually get dinner and I work at my desk and she works at hers (both these desks are in her office lol)
I actually had to talk to her about the fact that she was saying that they only needed help during the day. I was like
THATS A LIE! You need help 24 hours a day some days so you can do stuff. You are a person. You have a life.
I also diagnosed a abcess on CT and she was impressed! She was like "I gotta give it to you. You've definitely learned some things being in here while I read."
My response "I know you think I'm playing on my phone but I'm not!" We laughed.
She's gone now. Conference season is upon us.
And I'm so glad she got on the plane on Thursday to go to Chicago. That's the thing...when you're good to people, others will have your back.
So on Thursday and Friday I went and sat with Mom.
She's much better.
And her only son is in town now!
So I'm off to hike with the math teacher....we shall see how this goes.
Let's recap.
So Monday, B got back from the wedding and I found out that Mom had fallen.
Now, who's mom?
Mom in this story is my mentor's mom. She's 94. And completely clothed in her right mind. She tells everyone that I have a PhD and I'm going into OBGYN and I'm going to be dean when they come in and I'm visiting with her.
Nevertheless, Mom comes in and get's a CT scan and she's got 3 broken ribs. Then the trauma team wants a full workup because she fell. And then she gets admitted to the Surgery ICU.
Sidenote: If I was going to be admitted to HUH, I'd want to go to the SICU or OB. No where else.
So Monday, I was at school until 1:30 am.
Tuesday.....same thing. This was kind of a life changing situation, Mom falling that is. Mom has always been independent. Until the fire, she was going up and down 4 flights of steps in her house. Mom was mobile as hell even though she doesn't drive. Well that's changed.And this is a huge change for my mentor. So I really just wanted to be there for her.
Wednesday...same thing. We usually get dinner and I work at my desk and she works at hers (both these desks are in her office lol)
I actually had to talk to her about the fact that she was saying that they only needed help during the day. I was like
THATS A LIE! You need help 24 hours a day some days so you can do stuff. You are a person. You have a life.
I also diagnosed a abcess on CT and she was impressed! She was like "I gotta give it to you. You've definitely learned some things being in here while I read."
My response "I know you think I'm playing on my phone but I'm not!" We laughed.
She's gone now. Conference season is upon us.
And I'm so glad she got on the plane on Thursday to go to Chicago. That's the thing...when you're good to people, others will have your back.
So on Thursday and Friday I went and sat with Mom.
She's much better.
And her only son is in town now!
So I'm off to hike with the math teacher....we shall see how this goes.
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Research Week
I am incredibly tired.
Like....I came home, showered, and got in the bed.
Research week is killer.
Making posters,writing abstracts, submissions to national meetings, reading ultrasounds with my mentor, meeting with another mentor for this leadership application I still need to do, going to hear my life mentor speak and getting poured into in that way....and lots of other meetings.
This baby deaning is no joke.
Do I love it? Yes.
How could I possibly do it and have a family life? I'll get back to you on that.
For now...self care is going to look like going to bed early, going to clinic tomorrow, and then promptly going to get these feet done after.
One more day...
Like....I came home, showered, and got in the bed.
Research week is killer.
Making posters,writing abstracts, submissions to national meetings, reading ultrasounds with my mentor, meeting with another mentor for this leadership application I still need to do, going to hear my life mentor speak and getting poured into in that way....and lots of other meetings.
This baby deaning is no joke.
Do I love it? Yes.
How could I possibly do it and have a family life? I'll get back to you on that.
For now...self care is going to look like going to bed early, going to clinic tomorrow, and then promptly going to get these feet done after.
One more day...
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
4-11...
We've been going nonstop.
Everything is finally finalized, printed, and submitted.
And now she's snoring in her chair because she's too tired to read her scans.
She wouldn't go to sleep unless I stayed because she was afraid she wouldn't wake up and finish.
So I stayed.
Everything is finally finalized, printed, and submitted.
And now she's snoring in her chair because she's too tired to read her scans.
She wouldn't go to sleep unless I stayed because she was afraid she wouldn't wake up and finish.
So I stayed.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Alternate Weekend
Sometimes I get so annoyed that I couldn’t do better by the math teacher when she came along. Trying to deal with feelings for a new girl and unres Loved feelings for an old girl plus the weight of making promises to a God about waiting was too much for me! Yes I can and could and will continue to be able to sleep well at night because I made decisions that lined up with what I felt religiously convicted to do, but it still sucks.
I’ve had two amazing evenings with one of my mentors. She was my plus one for this event at school last night and then tonight I just went to help her out because she worked a double and I just have this thing about doing stuff like that for mentors. If I think you could use the help, I’ll help. You now what I realized tho? The way I live, the way I help, the way I voluntarily spend time in the hospital are al a produce of the way I’ve chosen to live my life. I’m coming up on a decade of celibacy in May, my friend group is largely very studious, and the things I live are academic affairs and curriculum reform. If I had a girlfriend, there’s no way I could be the person I am. I’d have to give so much more and really divide my time much better. My plus one would have been my girlfriend, not a mentor for that event. She’d probsboy have stayed the night st my apartment and I’d have spent today with her. Everything about my life would me different. My mentor and I were talking about that tonight and I’ll say thing: yes I want to be married very much but this precious time wherein I can really cultivate this insane relationships with faculty and do work that students don’t thpically get to do is just as valuable.
I’d love to have spent this weekend with the math teacher but until then, I love spending the weekend with my mentors too.
Also, going on a road trip to see a mentor in action on Tuesday at Duke! #BlackGirlPhD
I’ve had two amazing evenings with one of my mentors. She was my plus one for this event at school last night and then tonight I just went to help her out because she worked a double and I just have this thing about doing stuff like that for mentors. If I think you could use the help, I’ll help. You now what I realized tho? The way I live, the way I help, the way I voluntarily spend time in the hospital are al a produce of the way I’ve chosen to live my life. I’m coming up on a decade of celibacy in May, my friend group is largely very studious, and the things I live are academic affairs and curriculum reform. If I had a girlfriend, there’s no way I could be the person I am. I’d have to give so much more and really divide my time much better. My plus one would have been my girlfriend, not a mentor for that event. She’d probsboy have stayed the night st my apartment and I’d have spent today with her. Everything about my life would me different. My mentor and I were talking about that tonight and I’ll say thing: yes I want to be married very much but this precious time wherein I can really cultivate this insane relationships with faculty and do work that students don’t thpically get to do is just as valuable.
I’d love to have spent this weekend with the math teacher but until then, I love spending the weekend with my mentors too.
Also, going on a road trip to see a mentor in action on Tuesday at Duke! #BlackGirlPhD
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
The 80s
"Cava?" B said to me when I walked into her office.
Yea yea sure but I have to go to this panel I said back.
Yesterday was pretty great. Got to see my bestie who moved to Philly like a dumb ass. Thankfully before he left, he took me to his church which I continue to attend, got baptized at, and will probably get married by my pastor. That was a pretty sweet parting gift.
I also got to see the girl I like. She looked really cute. I had to be on my P's and Q's since she was wearing this low cut shirt. Nevertheless, it was nice to see her.
And then B. Well first there was Deb Deb.
We had curriculum committee meeting and my faculty advisor Terry wanted me to present our report. That was interesting. One misunderstanding was ok but when the pharmacology faculty got pissed that I suggested that we not move Autonomic Pharmacology from the course its in to the course I was evaluating. It got real. I'll be honest, I wanted Terry to save me. And I probably said his name like 5 times. He was all "you got this" and it turned out fine but they came for me.
What's the reasoning?
It belongs in that course.
That's a pretty harsh recommendation. Where's the open-mindedness?
And you know what my argument was? The difficulty of the material isn't going to change because you move it from one course to another. We already recommended to move it within the course its currently in to give students more time to study the material. How about you actually try that and do some faculty development with those teaching that material?
I gave that recommendation last meeting. See, that's the nice thing about the way I work. I will have evaluated an entire year's worth of medical school curriculum by the end of the year. Terry and I have surgery, OB, and internal medicine clerkships to evaluate to the tune of 32 weeks of medical school curriculum in addition to the fact that I evaluated OS 1, 2, and 3 which is 6 weeks short of the first semester of 2nd year. I know these courses. Don't come for me!
Nevertheless, at that point everyone wanted to start addressing me as "Dr." I thought that was funny too. So you mad and now its no longer my first name and we're going formal? See that's why I call the folks I like by their first name. If I like you, you get a nickname or first name.
That was quite the fiery discussion but I held my ground. I honestly felt like Terry was making this into a mini surgical grand rounds situation but its cool. I like him...thus Terry.
Then I went and hung out with B. Always a good time. I always learn something. I pulled the images for these two research projects while she got hammered by the ER. I stayed until about 11. When I got ready to leave she said to me "You're perfect. Thank you so much."
You know....if you'd told me I'd have this again, this kind of working relationship with a faculty member I wouldn't have believed you. Isn't God amazing? To think that Leks actually introduced me to the person who would end up being the way I got over is nothing short of God.
I still don't know where that situation with her will go. She wrote me a letter for an away rotation but I haven't been able to talk to her. Really talk to her. I gotta figure out a way to get that done.
But I love that I'm here. I love that even though I know I'm not perfect, I know B wants me around. She does a lot of things that make me feel safe in a mentoring relationship again and that's invaluable. Honestly same thing is true for Terry. Do you know that I asked him if he'd write me a letter for residency and he said "You know I'd be offended if you hadn't asked me."
Where did B and Terry come from?
I'll tell you.
Howard University College of Medicine Class of '83.
That's where.
PS. Terry doesn't really want me to leave because he's worried I won't come back. I told him that when Deb Deb calls and asks me to be her Associate Dean of Academic Affairs, I'll be on the next thing smoking back to HUCM.
And I meant that.
Yea yea sure but I have to go to this panel I said back.
Yesterday was pretty great. Got to see my bestie who moved to Philly like a dumb ass. Thankfully before he left, he took me to his church which I continue to attend, got baptized at, and will probably get married by my pastor. That was a pretty sweet parting gift.
I also got to see the girl I like. She looked really cute. I had to be on my P's and Q's since she was wearing this low cut shirt. Nevertheless, it was nice to see her.
And then B. Well first there was Deb Deb.
We had curriculum committee meeting and my faculty advisor Terry wanted me to present our report. That was interesting. One misunderstanding was ok but when the pharmacology faculty got pissed that I suggested that we not move Autonomic Pharmacology from the course its in to the course I was evaluating. It got real. I'll be honest, I wanted Terry to save me. And I probably said his name like 5 times. He was all "you got this" and it turned out fine but they came for me.
What's the reasoning?
It belongs in that course.
That's a pretty harsh recommendation. Where's the open-mindedness?
And you know what my argument was? The difficulty of the material isn't going to change because you move it from one course to another. We already recommended to move it within the course its currently in to give students more time to study the material. How about you actually try that and do some faculty development with those teaching that material?
I gave that recommendation last meeting. See, that's the nice thing about the way I work. I will have evaluated an entire year's worth of medical school curriculum by the end of the year. Terry and I have surgery, OB, and internal medicine clerkships to evaluate to the tune of 32 weeks of medical school curriculum in addition to the fact that I evaluated OS 1, 2, and 3 which is 6 weeks short of the first semester of 2nd year. I know these courses. Don't come for me!
Nevertheless, at that point everyone wanted to start addressing me as "Dr." I thought that was funny too. So you mad and now its no longer my first name and we're going formal? See that's why I call the folks I like by their first name. If I like you, you get a nickname or first name.
That was quite the fiery discussion but I held my ground. I honestly felt like Terry was making this into a mini surgical grand rounds situation but its cool. I like him...thus Terry.
Then I went and hung out with B. Always a good time. I always learn something. I pulled the images for these two research projects while she got hammered by the ER. I stayed until about 11. When I got ready to leave she said to me "You're perfect. Thank you so much."
You know....if you'd told me I'd have this again, this kind of working relationship with a faculty member I wouldn't have believed you. Isn't God amazing? To think that Leks actually introduced me to the person who would end up being the way I got over is nothing short of God.
I still don't know where that situation with her will go. She wrote me a letter for an away rotation but I haven't been able to talk to her. Really talk to her. I gotta figure out a way to get that done.
But I love that I'm here. I love that even though I know I'm not perfect, I know B wants me around. She does a lot of things that make me feel safe in a mentoring relationship again and that's invaluable. Honestly same thing is true for Terry. Do you know that I asked him if he'd write me a letter for residency and he said "You know I'd be offended if you hadn't asked me."
Where did B and Terry come from?
I'll tell you.
Howard University College of Medicine Class of '83.
That's where.
PS. Terry doesn't really want me to leave because he's worried I won't come back. I told him that when Deb Deb calls and asks me to be her Associate Dean of Academic Affairs, I'll be on the next thing smoking back to HUCM.
And I meant that.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Betrayal is a B*******
The Text
Matthew 26: 14-16, 21-25
Betrayal is hurtful and deeply painful. One cannot truly understand the power of Jesus's sacrifice and death without understanding the betrayal that led there.
1 Corinthians 11:23-24
On the night he was betrayed, he took the bread, and when he had given thanks and broke it....
Many people frame significant moments in their lives as happening before and after betrayal.
We live our lives with great caution and we trust less and have faith in others less all because of this one moment when we felt unimaginable pain.
"Stab the body and it heals. Injure the heart and the wound last a lifetime." Iwasaki
The source of betrayal makes it so bad. Jesus wasn't betrayed by someone he didn't know but by someone in his inner circle.
Psalm 55:12-14
If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.
Its one thing to have someone stab you in the back but its another thing to have someone you trust stab you.
From your circle of companions and confidantes...that makes it a festering wound.
Let me go ahead and interject here! This was and continues to be my issue with my mentor. When she made the decisions she made, she did so with disregard for the relationship we'd established. She was inner circle. She was innermost inner circle. I still love her dearly. I still want to know why.
The turning point...I'll write about later :-)
Stop thinking about what Judas did to us and think more about what he does for us.
The victory is when you reach a point where you stop obsessing about what they did to you and start meditating on what they did for us.
Genesis 50 where Joseph confronts his brothers about selling him into slavery. Joseph says something in 50:19
"Do not be afraid. What you meant to harm me, God meant it for my good."
Joseph was saying if he had never been through all he went through, he wouldn't be where he is today.
What happened doesn't have to destroy us but it can develop us.
As bad as Judas's betrayal was, it was key to positioning Jesus to fulfill his purpose on earth.
Jesus never would have been whipped and we never would have been healed by His stripes.
Had he never born the cross
He never would have going to Calvary
They never would have nailed Him to a cross.
He never would have worn a crown of thorns and pierced His side and we wouldn't be washed in the blood of the lamb.
He never would have cried out Father they know not what they do.
He never would have given up the ghost and died
and He never would have gone to a tomb and went to hell.
He never would have snatched the keys from the devil and made everlasting life with God possible.
He never would have stayed in the tomb to rise on the third day.
Salvation hinges on Judas's betrayal.
We never would have been saved or healed today without the betrayal.
When you realize that, you'll be able to look back and conclude that the betrayal was a blessing.
That's what the B is in the title...its for blessing. ;-)
This story invites us to explore betrayal.
Betrayal causes you to exercise parts of you you might never have seen if you hadn't been betrayed.
People are often hung up on the way it happened but that person might have had the courage to do for you what you couldn't do for yourself.
It might have happened to awaken you.
You would have remained in a situation without being betrayed.
It had to happen.
IF it hadn't happen, you'd still be trying to talk yourself into why you should stay. You kept putting up with mess because you thought you needed that.
The betrayal is the blessing because it woke you up to what you needed to see.
You've got to reach a point where you spend more time reflecting on what they did for you and NOT to you.
As painful and devastating as my experience with my ex was, I wouldn't be here without her. Had I not loved her so deeply I'm not sure I would have even realized that I'm actually gay much less have told everyone in my life. I'm so glad I've released her to be her best self and I can actually be mine and put that energy in the direction of someone who deserves it.
In the story of the last supper, Jesus has bigger things to do than obsess about little people. He doesn't nag Judas, tell anyone about it, or calls anyone. He accepts the fact that he's not beyond being betrayed. If he's the Son of God and it happened to him, it can happen to you!
As long as imperfection graces the earth, betrayal will exist. Jesus doesn't dwell on the betrayal. He stays focused on purpose.
This is something I struggle with. There was clearly still purpose to be fulfilled in my life but I couldn't see that at all. I mean my goodness a perfect (for me) girl showed up in my life wanting to do all the things I wanted with my ex and I wasn't able to accept that because the betrayal I'd experienced was all I could think about. That and convincing myself to stay committed to someone who wasn't committed to me because of things I'd promised God. Let me tell you something! I won't be promising God anything about another person until I'm ready to say "forsaking all others I choose her." That's the standard God's given me and that's the only promise I'm making.
Some of us can't see the blessing because you can't understand how they could be so cruel and inconsiderate.
This is me. This is always me. I always take it back to "What's wrong with me that they would treat me this way?" What I'm working on is believing that its not about me. One of my advisors said this to me about the situation with my mentor. He was like ain't nothing wrong with you. You got too many people around you who believe in you for you to let what this one person did be the whole definition of what you believe to be true about you. Can I tell you I needed to hear that. That really spoke to my life in a profound way.
You have to shift your focus from the betrayer to the Blesser. I was devoting far too much time on the wrong people and things and was missing the lesson.
Don't let it keep you from giving God the glory He's supposed to get.
Sometimes God places the betrayer in your life.
Jesus prayed that God would send him folks that would help him fulfill his assignment. When he came out of prayer he chose 12 and Judas was one of the 12. Jesus needed Judas to fulfill his assignment. <-- Don't miss that!
It doesn't necessarily mean we made a bad choice or wasted our time. It doesn't mean you were stupid for trusting them or by being intimate with them.
It means that in God's perfect plan, theres a lesson God wants you to get.
Sometimes the lesson is "don't be so needy for attention that you put up with things that are inconsistent with your values and dreams and standards." <-- Things I purpose to never do again in my romantic life!
Sometimes the lesson is, in order to function at your next level, you'll have to wake up.
Of note, the people who hurt us, showed us their character early on in the relationship.
They showed you early on that they were unreliable, had a truth problem, they showed us but we didn't believe them. My ex showed me that she was selfish, self centered, and not thoughtful and I was capable of loving her through that but the indications were there.
There are some people who are past their expiration date but we don't want to end it because we've invested something.
I love you, but if we aren't going in the same direction, I'll love you from across town. <--Hey girl!
Maybe the betrayal is designed to get you to clarify what's most important for you. It'll wake you to a source of dissatisfaction that you've ben tolerating but you don't need that in the next season of your life.
Now this is a moment. I've been tolerating being friends with someone who fundamentally doesn't believe my marriage will be equal to hers because I'll be married to someone of the same sex. She finally did something that crossed way too many boundaries for my liking and I've put her on ice. Does she need to make a exist out of my life? I'm not sure but I do know that in my next season wherein I'll hopefully be finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, there won't be space for folks who don't support that relationship enthusiastically and wholeheartedly. Moreover, even if I'm single, not supporting who I am is a fundamental issue that has no compromise possibility. So you either get all of me or none. Pick one sis.
What is God trying to protect you from?
What opportunity is He trying to give you?
What harm is God keeping you from?
If you could get out of God's way and your own way with these feelings, you'd be able to understand the blessing in the betrayal and then....you'll be free.
Let me tell you about my blessing.
Her name's BD.
And I know I wouldn't have made it through third year without BD.
She's faculty and she's always on my team.
I'm going to tell this story at my faculty mentoring workshop but I literally walked to BD's door to ask her if she'd heard anything I needed to know about and the rest is history. I was a mess. My eyes were puffy, my confidence was shot, and I wouldn't make eye contact with her. Bonnie had met me prior to this and this wasn't me and she knew it.
BD looked at me and I think she really saw me. She saw something. Then she said "Look at this CT. What do you see?"
And she kept doing that. I could come to her office anytime I was a mess and she'd give me radiology to do. Eventually we talked about it but we don't really anymore. We have this relationship that has nothing to do with my initial personal devastation.
We went to brunch yesterday with her sister and niece.
She's amazing.
But having a mentor requires work on both sides of the relationship. Its not like there aren't things I do that I don't love because she's my mentor. I'm not a GI person but I'm on a GI abstract because she needed help one day and I'm still a PhD.
And she knows how devastating that situation was. I love that because it makes me feel safe. Also...she was PISSED when she found out why I'd been crying for weeks at that point.
That felt good.
Most of the way the betrayer is acting without you is fake anyway. You need to focus on the blessing God has for you in this situation.
This I also know for a fact and I'll leave it at that.
On the other side of judgement and condemnation is grace and mercy. You probably couldn't see that before but its there. I love living in grace and mercy.
The Bible says all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called. I know I'm called so I know all things. The hardest part is remembering that its ALL.
All things not some things!
So that thing that damn near killed me....its a thing thats working together for my good.
Matthew 26: 14-16, 21-25
Betrayal is hurtful and deeply painful. One cannot truly understand the power of Jesus's sacrifice and death without understanding the betrayal that led there.
1 Corinthians 11:23-24
On the night he was betrayed, he took the bread, and when he had given thanks and broke it....
Many people frame significant moments in their lives as happening before and after betrayal.
We live our lives with great caution and we trust less and have faith in others less all because of this one moment when we felt unimaginable pain.
"Stab the body and it heals. Injure the heart and the wound last a lifetime." Iwasaki
The source of betrayal makes it so bad. Jesus wasn't betrayed by someone he didn't know but by someone in his inner circle.
Psalm 55:12-14
If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.
Its one thing to have someone stab you in the back but its another thing to have someone you trust stab you.
From your circle of companions and confidantes...that makes it a festering wound.
Let me go ahead and interject here! This was and continues to be my issue with my mentor. When she made the decisions she made, she did so with disregard for the relationship we'd established. She was inner circle. She was innermost inner circle. I still love her dearly. I still want to know why.
The turning point...I'll write about later :-)
Stop thinking about what Judas did to us and think more about what he does for us.
The victory is when you reach a point where you stop obsessing about what they did to you and start meditating on what they did for us.
Genesis 50 where Joseph confronts his brothers about selling him into slavery. Joseph says something in 50:19
"Do not be afraid. What you meant to harm me, God meant it for my good."
Joseph was saying if he had never been through all he went through, he wouldn't be where he is today.
What happened doesn't have to destroy us but it can develop us.
As bad as Judas's betrayal was, it was key to positioning Jesus to fulfill his purpose on earth.
Jesus never would have been whipped and we never would have been healed by His stripes.
Had he never born the cross
He never would have going to Calvary
They never would have nailed Him to a cross.
He never would have worn a crown of thorns and pierced His side and we wouldn't be washed in the blood of the lamb.
He never would have cried out Father they know not what they do.
He never would have given up the ghost and died
and He never would have gone to a tomb and went to hell.
He never would have snatched the keys from the devil and made everlasting life with God possible.
He never would have stayed in the tomb to rise on the third day.
Salvation hinges on Judas's betrayal.
We never would have been saved or healed today without the betrayal.
When you realize that, you'll be able to look back and conclude that the betrayal was a blessing.
That's what the B is in the title...its for blessing. ;-)
This story invites us to explore betrayal.
Betrayal causes you to exercise parts of you you might never have seen if you hadn't been betrayed.
People are often hung up on the way it happened but that person might have had the courage to do for you what you couldn't do for yourself.
It might have happened to awaken you.
You would have remained in a situation without being betrayed.
It had to happen.
IF it hadn't happen, you'd still be trying to talk yourself into why you should stay. You kept putting up with mess because you thought you needed that.
The betrayal is the blessing because it woke you up to what you needed to see.
You've got to reach a point where you spend more time reflecting on what they did for you and NOT to you.
As painful and devastating as my experience with my ex was, I wouldn't be here without her. Had I not loved her so deeply I'm not sure I would have even realized that I'm actually gay much less have told everyone in my life. I'm so glad I've released her to be her best self and I can actually be mine and put that energy in the direction of someone who deserves it.
In the story of the last supper, Jesus has bigger things to do than obsess about little people. He doesn't nag Judas, tell anyone about it, or calls anyone. He accepts the fact that he's not beyond being betrayed. If he's the Son of God and it happened to him, it can happen to you!
As long as imperfection graces the earth, betrayal will exist. Jesus doesn't dwell on the betrayal. He stays focused on purpose.
This is something I struggle with. There was clearly still purpose to be fulfilled in my life but I couldn't see that at all. I mean my goodness a perfect (for me) girl showed up in my life wanting to do all the things I wanted with my ex and I wasn't able to accept that because the betrayal I'd experienced was all I could think about. That and convincing myself to stay committed to someone who wasn't committed to me because of things I'd promised God. Let me tell you something! I won't be promising God anything about another person until I'm ready to say "forsaking all others I choose her." That's the standard God's given me and that's the only promise I'm making.
Some of us can't see the blessing because you can't understand how they could be so cruel and inconsiderate.
This is me. This is always me. I always take it back to "What's wrong with me that they would treat me this way?" What I'm working on is believing that its not about me. One of my advisors said this to me about the situation with my mentor. He was like ain't nothing wrong with you. You got too many people around you who believe in you for you to let what this one person did be the whole definition of what you believe to be true about you. Can I tell you I needed to hear that. That really spoke to my life in a profound way.
You have to shift your focus from the betrayer to the Blesser. I was devoting far too much time on the wrong people and things and was missing the lesson.
Don't let it keep you from giving God the glory He's supposed to get.
Sometimes God places the betrayer in your life.
Jesus prayed that God would send him folks that would help him fulfill his assignment. When he came out of prayer he chose 12 and Judas was one of the 12. Jesus needed Judas to fulfill his assignment. <-- Don't miss that!
It doesn't necessarily mean we made a bad choice or wasted our time. It doesn't mean you were stupid for trusting them or by being intimate with them.
It means that in God's perfect plan, theres a lesson God wants you to get.
Sometimes the lesson is "don't be so needy for attention that you put up with things that are inconsistent with your values and dreams and standards." <-- Things I purpose to never do again in my romantic life!
Sometimes the lesson is, in order to function at your next level, you'll have to wake up.
Of note, the people who hurt us, showed us their character early on in the relationship.
They showed you early on that they were unreliable, had a truth problem, they showed us but we didn't believe them. My ex showed me that she was selfish, self centered, and not thoughtful and I was capable of loving her through that but the indications were there.
There are some people who are past their expiration date but we don't want to end it because we've invested something.
I love you, but if we aren't going in the same direction, I'll love you from across town. <--Hey girl!
Maybe the betrayal is designed to get you to clarify what's most important for you. It'll wake you to a source of dissatisfaction that you've ben tolerating but you don't need that in the next season of your life.
Now this is a moment. I've been tolerating being friends with someone who fundamentally doesn't believe my marriage will be equal to hers because I'll be married to someone of the same sex. She finally did something that crossed way too many boundaries for my liking and I've put her on ice. Does she need to make a exist out of my life? I'm not sure but I do know that in my next season wherein I'll hopefully be finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, there won't be space for folks who don't support that relationship enthusiastically and wholeheartedly. Moreover, even if I'm single, not supporting who I am is a fundamental issue that has no compromise possibility. So you either get all of me or none. Pick one sis.
What is God trying to protect you from?
What opportunity is He trying to give you?
What harm is God keeping you from?
If you could get out of God's way and your own way with these feelings, you'd be able to understand the blessing in the betrayal and then....you'll be free.
Let me tell you about my blessing.
Her name's BD.
And I know I wouldn't have made it through third year without BD.
She's faculty and she's always on my team.
I'm going to tell this story at my faculty mentoring workshop but I literally walked to BD's door to ask her if she'd heard anything I needed to know about and the rest is history. I was a mess. My eyes were puffy, my confidence was shot, and I wouldn't make eye contact with her. Bonnie had met me prior to this and this wasn't me and she knew it.
BD looked at me and I think she really saw me. She saw something. Then she said "Look at this CT. What do you see?"
And she kept doing that. I could come to her office anytime I was a mess and she'd give me radiology to do. Eventually we talked about it but we don't really anymore. We have this relationship that has nothing to do with my initial personal devastation.
We went to brunch yesterday with her sister and niece.
She's amazing.
But having a mentor requires work on both sides of the relationship. Its not like there aren't things I do that I don't love because she's my mentor. I'm not a GI person but I'm on a GI abstract because she needed help one day and I'm still a PhD.
And she knows how devastating that situation was. I love that because it makes me feel safe. Also...she was PISSED when she found out why I'd been crying for weeks at that point.
That felt good.
Most of the way the betrayer is acting without you is fake anyway. You need to focus on the blessing God has for you in this situation.
This I also know for a fact and I'll leave it at that.
On the other side of judgement and condemnation is grace and mercy. You probably couldn't see that before but its there. I love living in grace and mercy.
The Bible says all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called. I know I'm called so I know all things. The hardest part is remembering that its ALL.
All things not some things!
So that thing that damn near killed me....its a thing thats working together for my good.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)