LGBT culture is your parents knowing absolutely nothing about you.
This was a tweet I just saw and I think its apropos for this moment.
For my 31st birthday, I posted a status that said
As I walk into not only my 31st trip around the sun and my fourth year of med school, I'm constantly humbled by what it means to be trained to be a Howard physician. I couldn't have dreamed of the opportunities I've had in my training here. I'm amazed by the nurturing relationships I've established and the ways in which I've learned to say no. Being Black, Christian,gay, liberal, Southern, a formally trained scientist, and a med student has its challenges but it also has so much joy. Here's to #30Won!
I posted this on my birthday. Nearly a month later, it was read to my mom verbatim at choir rehearsal.
Now say what you want, I had always intended for my gay life not to interact with my parents little bubble. I realize this is a limiting way to live but, in my opinion, separate was the only way we were going to be happy. They don't want to be the couple with a gay daughter and I'm gay. So my longterm plan has always been to move far enough away that my openly gay future with my wife and kids isn't a thing that readily seeable from NC. I've never voiced this to them but, its nevertheless been my blueprint.
So my mom starts blowing up my phone. I'm ignoring it.
Then my dad calls twice. Now I'm like that's 4 calls.
So I answer....mostly to tell them to stop calling me because every time they call it interrupts my question block as I get calls on my iPad.
Then my mother asks me about this whole post thing.
Then she tells me to take it down.
My dad does too.
I initially refused because as I told them "I'm not ashamed or embarrassed."
My dad's response was "that others' are embarrassed for you."
I ultimately took out just the word "gay."
Not because I'm ashamed, but because I honestly never intended for my life to run into theirs in such an uncontrolled manner.
Coming home with a wife is different from coming home just to say I'm gay.
I'd always intended to say the former.
They are very concerned about their social bubble exploding, about being laughed about behind their backs. My being gay is worse than an out of wedlock child, worse than drugs even.
My being gay someone says to them that they failed.
The conversation they've been having with my sister is
"Why doesn't she think about anyone else?"
"We've done some much for her and she doesn't care"
Neither of these are true. I do care and I do think about other people.
I just didn't realize that in three years you'd do no reconciling about my homosexuality.
I didn't realize that they way you vote isn't the way you feel.
I know they've done a lot for me financially.
They are a huge part of who I am and a huge part of who I am not.
I am my Dad's take care of my family and provide.
I am my Mom's love of books.
I am my Dad's keen interest in administration.
I am my Mom's decorative spark.
But I am not neither of their close-minded ways.
I am not my mother's sorority member.
I am not my father's being fat will hinder you in everything you do.
Yes, I came out to my parents 3 years ago. I came out publicly 4 years ago. Now let me tell what lessons I learned in all of this.
1. They don't honestly believe I'm gay.
I'm not planning to convince them either. If you were to come to my house, you'd know I was gay but I control that narrative but not having all my art on display all the time. It is now because I'm not expecting any company but when my parents come, I have been known to hide a piece of art or two.
Next, I have never thought having a significant other was something to write home about. The two women I've mentioned to my parents have both been women I could see myself marrying. Now, I didn't specifically say those words or even the word girlfriend but I did mention them by name.
They know about my ex.
They know about the math teacher.
They just don't realize they know.
They also don't realize there everyone at my medical school knows. My sister often says that I make my gayness the center of my personality but that's not what I do. What I do is tell people I'm gay upfront because I don't want to waste any of my time, attention, or love on someone who is fundamentally opposed to my life.
That's my goal.
I don't think you deserve me if you have a problem with gay people so I want to know upfront if that's how you feel.
After that, I'm just having general conversation but I need to know where you stand first. And considering that I'm a femme identified, dress wearing, pedicure getting lesbian people will miss that I'm gay if I don't say something.
So I say something to make sure you're worth my time, and then I proceed from there.
That's why the whole school knows, why my mentors know, my friends.
I didn't tell B and D and the rest of my mentors because I had nothing to talk about. I told them because I needed to know who they were as people and because I have a deep need to be known intimately by the people I trust the most. The more information you have about me, the better answer I can get from you about what I should or shouldn't do in any given situation.
As for my parents, they didn't see the scrapbook of me and my ex, didn't read these posts or any posts about her or the math teacher. They didn't see the pictures of the math teacher and I at Winter formal for my med school or out dancing. They didn't know she was coming to my house and we were walking to Coldstone. None of those things are things they know about so for them, it didn't happen.
But it did.
It mattered.
Its important to me.
And if I thought I could show it to you, I would.
2. My plan is a good one because they still don't want me to "bring all that gay shit around us."
Right now, this doesn't really have a lot of purpose.
However, I am going to get married.
I will have a wife.
I will have a wedding.
I plan to have kids.
And I also plan to have a busy academic medicine career.
I'll be taking 4+ calls a month.
I'll be working weekends.
I'll have students who want my input and some who just need me to tell them they're okay, much like I've needed my mentors for.
I say all of this to say, my homosexuality will be a part of everything that happens outside of the hospital. My time will be limited. This means that any time I can spend with my wife and kids, I'll be trying to do just that. Now, if my wife and kids and I, aka my family, can all be around my parents and be treated with respect then we can spend extended weekends in NC.
We can go on vacation with my parents.
But if that's not possible, then I'll be with my family. Maybe they can visit if they know how to act.
If they can understand that this is my family and that all these kids have my last name and that they're all mine regardless of whether or not they came out of my uterus, then they can visit us and my life will remain a non-factor in their bubble in NC.
If that's not the case, catch me at the family reunion with my whole family.
And if my family isn't welcome, I won't be either and none of us will be there.
If they can't tolerate my family coming to NC AND they don't want to accept my family in my own home, they'll see me at family funerals that are inconvenient for my family to attend. I will only leave my family at home if they can't come for a reason of their own schedule, not because you're uncomfortable.
That "don't bring that gay shit around us" thing doesn't leave much room for them to have any type of relationship with me that involves seeing me.
You know what it does leave room for?
All these lovely women who have mentored me becoming the Grandmas that come and stay a week or the people we visit.
There's a Grandma B in the future for sure.
There's a Grandma V.
If my parents abdicate their roles because of their own issues, they'll miss out, because us not coming to NC for the long weekend doesn't mean we aren't going anywhere.
It also doesn't mean we didn't fly Grandma B in to hang out.
Just like we could travel to see my med school friends, we could be traveling to see "chosen family" as well.
And really far down the line, don't be upset when we live in DC, work in DC, and you finally come around to realizing what you're missing and decide to visit only to see all the pictures of all the years you missed.
Births mirroring my own with painted nails cradling my babies that aren't yours...
Vacations with my classmates' families, conferences with my mentors, school plays and recitals and horseback riding competitions and soccer tournaments.
Don't be upset that Grandma B does bedtime with the kids or that they still want to go hang out with her every Saturday like they've been doing.
Don't be mad when they're more interested in their "chosen" cousins than talking to you.
Don't be surprised when I tell you a certain weekend doesn't work or us because we got plans with their Grandma and you and I both know that I don't mean you.
Don't be hurt when you find out that someone my kids call Grandma, lives in our house with us.
Please don't....because actions have consequences.
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