Its Thanksgiving!
Well actually, its the day after and I've done so many things differently this year.
First, I'm in New York....Long Island to be specific with School Bae.
Secondly, its was Jamaican Thanksgiving up in here and it SLAYED!
Foodwise....
1. Jerk Sauce for Jerk Turkey
2. Collards
3. Sweet Potato Pie
4. Mac and Cheese
5. Tres Leches Cake
Thirdly, I have spent this much time with girls in bed in my life. These ones take cuddling to a whole nother level AND they know I'm gay and they don't treat me any different. I always thought that would change and girls would act weird about it but my woes....they're woes.
Lastly, I may or may not have typed Rockville Centre into my Zillow. Its gorgeous and reminds me of everything I love about the South like porches and yards. They also slay at the high school level for women's soccer and I'd never really have to leave Long Island. Hey....its just a consideration. Being without a tether is amazing. I can go anywhere and do anything. I'm definitely itinerant.
Anyway....we are in mandatory study hall because Med school no care about holidays. No Black Friday Shopping for me yet. I'm going to hit the internet at some point.
I just thought I'd stop by here and reflect on the trip so far.
Its amazing what close quarters will do. Now they know about my abusive relationship my college boyfriend, my suicidal journey to med school, my flawless relationship with my high school sweetheart, my baby cousin and her "I can't get it together" antics, way more about Women's Soccer, my parents, and the girl I wanted to propose to.
And my woes....complicated, flawed gorgeous creatures. So many interesting conversations. So much good food!
Now....about this school work.....
Friday, November 27, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Late Nights, Long Days
Last night the lady in for IUGR had a decel around 11:15.
She tried to tell us its because the monitoring unit moved.....sure ma'am, we will take medical advice from you, the patient.
So we counseled her that another decel would lead to a c-section.
At 11:45, we got that 2nd decel. We also had a whole lot of yelling, which told me barring a thorough spinal, this lady wasn't going to have a non-surgical birth with ease.
So....even though I was supposed to roll out at 12 midnight, I was scrubbing in instead.
Now, I'm sitting in a lecture about skin.
This afternoon, I have a group presentation and we gonna be in this room ALL DAY.
Lawd help!
She tried to tell us its because the monitoring unit moved.....sure ma'am, we will take medical advice from you, the patient.
So we counseled her that another decel would lead to a c-section.
At 11:45, we got that 2nd decel. We also had a whole lot of yelling, which told me barring a thorough spinal, this lady wasn't going to have a non-surgical birth with ease.
So....even though I was supposed to roll out at 12 midnight, I was scrubbing in instead.
Now, I'm sitting in a lecture about skin.
This afternoon, I have a group presentation and we gonna be in this room ALL DAY.
Lawd help!
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Middle of the Night Training
Had to make time for a night training since its a test weekend. I just couldn't stomach the idea of not lifting for a whole week.
Dat's tew much.
Since lab presentation went well, I went ahead and took the time to take my ass to the gym.
I've still got it strength-wise but I'm clearly dehydrated. That's usually the biggest penalty for not working out: I don't keep up with my hydration so that first time back after a few days is brutal.
Now I've got recovery fluids, recovery shake, AND hand anatomy.
Saturday: Gross lab at 10 am, mock lab practical in the afternoon, study group in the evening and inevitably....another gym sess.
#LookGoodFeelGoodPlayGood
Dat's tew much.
Since lab presentation went well, I went ahead and took the time to take my ass to the gym.
I've still got it strength-wise but I'm clearly dehydrated. That's usually the biggest penalty for not working out: I don't keep up with my hydration so that first time back after a few days is brutal.
Struggle Bus!
Now I've got recovery fluids, recovery shake, AND hand anatomy.
Saturday: Gross lab at 10 am, mock lab practical in the afternoon, study group in the evening and inevitably....another gym sess.
#LookGoodFeelGoodPlayGood
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Heart Grown
I had the most insane conversation about my kids.
Kids, plural.
Shannon's having a 2nd + CJ. Apparently, I'm an extraordinarily good person for saying I'm going to contribute to their college tuition when they're grown.
Because they're not my kids. <---The sideways logic of this random person.
And you know what I'd say....I beg to differ.
Heart grown isn't different from home grown. If it was, adoption wouldn't be a thing.
So yea, I've got college tuitions to contribute to and soccer games to see, birthday parties to attend, and awkward conversations they can't have with their parents to have.
They're mine.
They're answered prayers, blessings I needed desperately when they arrived.
They loved me for simply existing.
When they look at me they see who I am...the very best of me.
So yea...they're mine.
Kids, plural.
Shannon's having a 2nd + CJ. Apparently, I'm an extraordinarily good person for saying I'm going to contribute to their college tuition when they're grown.
Because they're not my kids. <---The sideways logic of this random person.
And you know what I'd say....I beg to differ.
Heart grown isn't different from home grown. If it was, adoption wouldn't be a thing.
So yea, I've got college tuitions to contribute to and soccer games to see, birthday parties to attend, and awkward conversations they can't have with their parents to have.
They're mine.
They're answered prayers, blessings I needed desperately when they arrived.
They loved me for simply existing.
When they look at me they see who I am...the very best of me.
So yea...they're mine.
Heart grown.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
A Gift
You're the one my soul loves
but maybe
just maybe
you're not what God has for me
If you are, His will will make your will
manifest itself in my life
as my partner
and my future wife
I only want to want to be where God is
though sometimes my heart aches to be where you are
I have to move based on truth
on the solid rock of the faith I have in God
not my feelings
which cling to you like wet clothes after spring showers
My feeling say you're the one
And maybe one day His will and your will
might bring you into my space permanently
but until then
No
because we're not in the same place or space
because I love you
because He loves me
and His love for me only endeavors to do right by me
and my love for you
though committed to forever
must having reciprocation
I can see my wife in you
but if you don't see the same in me
Then we aren't
He isn't
And I've got to be where He is
Even if I can't be where my heart wants to be
Because I'll break my own heart
Before I wander away from Him
Because I love you
But He loves me more than I can begin to imagine
I want a forever with you
He's offered me an eternity with Him
I still think you're worth it
I can have both
an eternity with Him and a forever or two with you
Because He knows that its Him in me that the enables me to offer a forever to you
My risk averse heart wants to tell the world
She
Her
That one
The one
Because He makes me brave and bold and wise enough to see a good thing
Fidelity
Loyalty
Love
Devotion
You've got mine
The only things you don't have
My ring
My name
My children
Everything will be added if I seek Him
I hope to add my last name to yours
but if that never happens
everything will be different from my dream
but He can dream a better dream for me than I ever will
He's got my life
I've got to hold fast to what He's promised
Because I can't dream a better dream
than rolling over to you
forever
But maybe He has
You're the one
or maybe you aren't
But I've learned many things on this journey
I know what it feels like to love someone so completely
to be willing to say yes
to a lifetime at a time
To be willing to say no
I'll never leave you or forsake you
To say yes
Your happiness is my happiness
your joy my joy
your pain my pain
your triumph my triumph
To say no
to ever being the reason you're hurting
To say
This is my wife.
I'm so blessed.
The lessons are priceless
even if I never get to tell anyone
My soul loved this woman,
having loved her is a gift.
but maybe
just maybe
you're not what God has for me
If you are, His will will make your will
manifest itself in my life
as my partner
and my future wife
I only want to want to be where God is
though sometimes my heart aches to be where you are
I have to move based on truth
on the solid rock of the faith I have in God
not my feelings
which cling to you like wet clothes after spring showers
My feeling say you're the one
And maybe one day His will and your will
might bring you into my space permanently
but until then
No
because we're not in the same place or space
because I love you
because He loves me
and His love for me only endeavors to do right by me
and my love for you
though committed to forever
must having reciprocation
I can see my wife in you
but if you don't see the same in me
Then we aren't
He isn't
And I've got to be where He is
Even if I can't be where my heart wants to be
Because I'll break my own heart
Before I wander away from Him
Because I love you
But He loves me more than I can begin to imagine
I want a forever with you
He's offered me an eternity with Him
I still think you're worth it
I can have both
an eternity with Him and a forever or two with you
Because He knows that its Him in me that the enables me to offer a forever to you
My risk averse heart wants to tell the world
She
Her
That one
The one
Because He makes me brave and bold and wise enough to see a good thing
Fidelity
Loyalty
Love
Devotion
You've got mine
The only things you don't have
My ring
My name
My children
Everything will be added if I seek Him
I hope to add my last name to yours
but if that never happens
everything will be different from my dream
but He can dream a better dream for me than I ever will
He's got my life
I've got to hold fast to what He's promised
Because I can't dream a better dream
than rolling over to you
forever
But maybe He has
You're the one
or maybe you aren't
But I've learned many things on this journey
I know what it feels like to love someone so completely
to be willing to say yes
to a lifetime at a time
To be willing to say no
I'll never leave you or forsake you
To say yes
Your happiness is my happiness
your joy my joy
your pain my pain
your triumph my triumph
To say no
to ever being the reason you're hurting
To say
This is my wife.
I'm so blessed.
The lessons are priceless
even if I never get to tell anyone
My soul loved this woman,
having loved her is a gift.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Happily Exhausted
I had the most amazing exhausting weekend.
LP had me read him his new book twice and he thanked me for it during his prayers. Also....two consecutive nights of bedtime routines with my first love.
CJ is still the sweetest thing. I'm so grateful for the months I spent with him...for the late nights, early mornings, and all the love I got to pour into him. You want to know if you're a good nanny? Look at the smile for Auntie who he hadn't seen in 3 months! Also....though he holds his own bottle, as soon as he realized I was going to hold him while he ate, he promptly dropped it and made me hold it while making that intense baby eye contact that makes your heart swell. And he still remembers "Jesus keep me near the cross" and got all quiet and calm when I starting singing it.
LP had me read him his new book twice and he thanked me for it during his prayers. Also....two consecutive nights of bedtime routines with my first love.
CJ is still the sweetest thing. I'm so grateful for the months I spent with him...for the late nights, early mornings, and all the love I got to pour into him. You want to know if you're a good nanny? Look at the smile for Auntie who he hadn't seen in 3 months! Also....though he holds his own bottle, as soon as he realized I was going to hold him while he ate, he promptly dropped it and made me hold it while making that intense baby eye contact that makes your heart swell. And he still remembers "Jesus keep me near the cross" and got all quiet and calm when I starting singing it.
I love them both so incredibly.
Life is so so good. So incredibly good.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Would I let WHAT happen?!?!
So I was having a regular ol' conversation with my classmates and I was saying how I felt my dad was missing out on the obvious perk of me being a lesbian: I'm going to give my last name.
My dad has no sons. When I have kids they will have my dad's last name. That's a huge perk!
So anyway...we were talking and this boy in my class was like "how are the kids going to get your name?"
I replied "The same way my wife is: I'm giving everyone my last name."
And he was like "But you aren't getting your wife pregnant yourself."
"No I'm not, that's what sperm banks are for" I replied.
He says " But if someone else is getting your wife pregnant, why wouldn't the kid get his last name?"
I was like "Why wouldn't my kid get the sperm donor's name?"
So clearly at this point I'm completely confused about what he's talking about. I said "We won't even know the sperm donor's actual name."
He then said "But if someone gets your wife pregnant" making a sexual gesture "would the kid get his name?"
Y'ALL He asked me this like this was a PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE question.
I responded incredulously "You mean if someone else were to have sex with my wife? Why would someone else be having sex with my wife? You do realize that's the same question as asking James's here how he would feel if another man slept with his wife right?"
And you know what, he didn't realize that. He didn't seem to understand that his question should have gotten him cussed out at the very least.
How completely disrespectful to homosexuality and to commitment! My wife is my wife. Regardless of my ability to get her pregnant, she's mine. She's committed to me. That's the beginning and the end. Under no circumstances, is sexual contact with another person acceptable.
He still didn't get it afterwards. He still didn't understand what he very clearly communicated to me: Your patriarchy and heteronormativity and the privilege associated with those, are blinding you.
The lack of a penis being involved in my sex life doesn't make less valid. I'm not going to let anyone come into marriage. The commitment I share with my wife isn't less real because I can't get her pregnant. My marriage isn't predicated on pregnancy, its based on mutual love, respect, fidelity, and devotion.
I hope most heterosexuals know better than to ask the questions I was asked and understand the commitment made in marriage is the same across gender lines.
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
My dad has no sons. When I have kids they will have my dad's last name. That's a huge perk!
So anyway...we were talking and this boy in my class was like "how are the kids going to get your name?"
I replied "The same way my wife is: I'm giving everyone my last name."
And he was like "But you aren't getting your wife pregnant yourself."
"No I'm not, that's what sperm banks are for" I replied.
He says " But if someone else is getting your wife pregnant, why wouldn't the kid get his last name?"
I was like "Why wouldn't my kid get the sperm donor's name?"
So clearly at this point I'm completely confused about what he's talking about. I said "We won't even know the sperm donor's actual name."
He then said "But if someone gets your wife pregnant" making a sexual gesture "would the kid get his name?"
Y'ALL He asked me this like this was a PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE question.
I responded incredulously "You mean if someone else were to have sex with my wife? Why would someone else be having sex with my wife? You do realize that's the same question as asking James's here how he would feel if another man slept with his wife right?"
And you know what, he didn't realize that. He didn't seem to understand that his question should have gotten him cussed out at the very least.
How completely disrespectful to homosexuality and to commitment! My wife is my wife. Regardless of my ability to get her pregnant, she's mine. She's committed to me. That's the beginning and the end. Under no circumstances, is sexual contact with another person acceptable.
He still didn't get it afterwards. He still didn't understand what he very clearly communicated to me: Your patriarchy and heteronormativity and the privilege associated with those, are blinding you.
The lack of a penis being involved in my sex life doesn't make less valid. I'm not going to let anyone come into marriage. The commitment I share with my wife isn't less real because I can't get her pregnant. My marriage isn't predicated on pregnancy, its based on mutual love, respect, fidelity, and devotion.
I hope most heterosexuals know better than to ask the questions I was asked and understand the commitment made in marriage is the same across gender lines.
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Fall Back
As we fall back in time, I'd like to acknowledge the folks I fall back on all the time.
First....Kathy.
Kathy's always got my back.
She just gets it...and me.
I can hit her up whenever about whatever and she's there. She's also hilarious....like legit funny. I love that I can still call UNC home.
UNC Chemistry man....those are some special folks. They made me UNC Alumni. I got the blanket to prove it.
AV
Her guidance is unparalleled in my life. I love her. I trust her. She continues to speak truth in my life, whether I'm ready to hear it or not.
I exist in the world with the added confidence because of my relationship with her. The things she says are so simple sometimes but I apply them liberally to my life. I don't have the words to articulate what she means to me.
Fram
That girl man. She's the truth. She reminds me so much of YiLing in some ways. We have a good time together and shorty don't take no stuff! Whenever I'm not about that business, she's all over me about it. Also...she loves my cooking. And I love cooking so its a match! I think she's a lifetimer.
The Boys
I love the boys. They remind me I'm not that important and they keep my laughing. They're fantastic.
The Kids
They're kids. They don't take me seriously at all and they don't care what I think, They just want to play and be read to and make silly faces. They're so cute and not so well behaved but they make me laugh.
First....Kathy.
Kathy's always got my back.
She just gets it...and me.
I can hit her up whenever about whatever and she's there. She's also hilarious....like legit funny. I love that I can still call UNC home.
UNC Chemistry man....those are some special folks. They made me UNC Alumni. I got the blanket to prove it.
AV
Her guidance is unparalleled in my life. I love her. I trust her. She continues to speak truth in my life, whether I'm ready to hear it or not.
I exist in the world with the added confidence because of my relationship with her. The things she says are so simple sometimes but I apply them liberally to my life. I don't have the words to articulate what she means to me.
Fram
That girl man. She's the truth. She reminds me so much of YiLing in some ways. We have a good time together and shorty don't take no stuff! Whenever I'm not about that business, she's all over me about it. Also...she loves my cooking. And I love cooking so its a match! I think she's a lifetimer.
The Boys
I love the boys. They remind me I'm not that important and they keep my laughing. They're fantastic.
The Kids
They're kids. They don't take me seriously at all and they don't care what I think, They just want to play and be read to and make silly faces. They're so cute and not so well behaved but they make me laugh.
Thing 1 and Thing 2
I'm seeing this one of Friday for bedtime and I can't wait!
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