Are You Gullible?

Gullible.

Gullible is defined as easily persuaded to believe something.
Synonyms include naive, impressionable, unsuspecting, innocent, and green.

This is a word that was recently used to describe me. Yes, me.

Yea…I'm interested. So why are you saying what you're saying?

Now…do I believe I'm this way?  The answer, in this particular case, is yes.

I know you want to know what the case is.  I know you do.

The case is

…
…….
…

with my friendships.

I am gullible, which is why I'm glad I have amazing friends who know that I'm easily taken advantage of and they've got my back when people don't come correct.

So why am I gullible?  I'll tell you.  I'm gullible because I honestly believe the best in everyone. I don't believe you're out to hurt me or to be mean to me. I don't think you want to be tactless or disrespectful. I  truly don't. So when you are tactless, disrespectful, mean, or hurtful I'm incredibly surprised. Shocked even. Unless of course you've done this before… but that's a story for another day.

I'm the girl who never has a comeback because I'm so shocked that you were mean to me that I'm literally stunned into silence. Its not the best situation though.  I always play scenarios back in my head wishing I'd stood up for myself but alas I'm not that girl.

Now I'm not so gullible with people I don't really like though meanness is always unexpected but with my friends…. yea I'm innocent. I'm unsuspecting.

You know why?

Because my friends are proven, honest, and true. They've never given me a reason not to trust them.  You don't become my friend easily and you don't lose the title easily either. I'll fight for you, for us, because we're worth it. If we weren't, you wouldn't be my friend.

So yea I'm gullible…and I love that I have the freedom to be that way.

I love you, friends.
I truly do.
You're a treasure.
I cherish you all.

I'm Sorry you feel that way

If someone tells you something you wholeheartedly reject as truth, what do you do about it?

I mean honestly?  Do you ever consider the underlying reason for why someone is behaving the way they are?  My church friend recently spoke a word to me about this and now I see somethings in a whole new light. Let me share her knowledge with you!

Have you ever noticed that when you do something totally within the nature of your relationship with someone else and you happen to be recounting your day to another person and they are all

"You never do that for me"

or

"I didn't know you did that for people"

or

"Why you never offer to do that for me?"

Basically its a question stating that something you do in another relationship you have is something they would like for you to do in the relationship you have with them.

My reaction when this happens

Now obviously, this catches you off guard because these things you did/do or the way you behave with that other person is simply what it is.  Its not special, its not new, its not different. Its just y'all and y'all's relationship.

This person's observations of what you do in the other relationship naturally catches you off guard.  You thought you were just talking about your day but they have dissected it down into something not unlike a tit for tat list. They have decided that the way you relate to someone else is more valuable than the way you relate to them and they want to be in relationship with you like this other person.


Now…you have a problem.  What is the problem?  Glad you asked.

The problem is, the nature of your relationships with people are inherently different.

For me, I just don't show everyone love the same way. My friends that stay home could probably use a break from bathing their kid and reading books before bed but my child free friends don't need that.

So glad I'm natural because I love bath time with LP and he's a splasher!

My friends that work super demanding hours can probably use some help around the house or time on the phone venting about coworkers that my friends who stay home all day don't need.

Yea…I'm a little familiar with this area….

As a friend, I try to meet the needs and some wants of my friends as they present themselves.

Now, my church friend said something very pivotal. She said

"The person making these statements about how you don't do certain things for them that you do for others is really saying "I'm not the focus of your attention/love/affection, and I don't like that.""

When I tell y'all my mind was blown….it was an "a ha moment."

The words you're saying to me aren't about me and my relationship with this other person but they're about you. They're about the fact that you PERCEIVE that what I'm doing for another is more valuable/loving than what I do for you. If this thought process is carried out to its logical end, it could mean that you think I actually love them more than you.

Really though? Really?

And there's no easy answer to this situation because I'm not changing. I'm not changing my relationship with you or them because what I have with them works for us.  And honestly, what I have with you works for me at least.

Now what I am changing is your overall knowledge of that other relationship.  I'm willing to say simply "I had a good time" and leave it at that because I now know better.

When you know better, you do better. 

Another reason this isn't easy is because the way I relate to everyone has to do with lots of things no one can see but us. You can't be in a relationship you're not a part of and honestly, I'd never invite you in.  I could be a completely different person than who you perceive me to be. Honestly, someone functioning on a full "love tank" is probably different from someone on E.

I'm fiercely loyal and very protective of my relationships, and anyone outside will get TORN OUT THE FRAME if you come incorrect.  And anyone I'm in relationship with who wants to discuss one they're not in will get a loving "stop…you've done too much."

All of you meet different needs but some people, some people are meeting me in a whole  'nother place. 

Some people enable me to be comfortable being me because I get to be all of me, all manifestations and every version, thanks to my relationships with them.

I have a friend lets me parent her kid without batting an eye. Let that sink in.
A friend made me a parent.
Whole 'nother level 

Over the years with LP

I have a friend who is fiercely protective and she's shown me how valuable my heart is.

Don't mess with Sarah….she looks harmless but its NOT. TRUE.

I have friend who is "my soft place to land" personified and my companion.

Her home is my home too :-)

Y'all know I'm especially mushy about ML so we'll leave it at that.

These people, these "whole 'nother level" people, are the one's I will go to WAR for.  No one can have what I have with them and even they don't have the same things in their relationships with me. Our relationships are all separate and priceless.

So yes, I reject your ideas. I reject your observations about my other relationships because they aren't true. They simply aren't. And I won't entertain your conversation because all you're saying is

"I'm not the center of your attention, and I don't like it"

My response: "Too bad, sorry you feel that way"

And now, back to our scheduled programming 

Love….and other things masquerading as such

So my mother….queen of the internet, was parlaying around and stubbled upon this section of MadameNoire.com called "Ask a Black Man" The Marriage Episode.

Naturally, since she's married and I'm turning the age at which she got married this year and I'm happily  and contentedly single, she wanted me to watch this video. O___O

Now…my mother has the best intentions. She was all "You and your friends can watch it and discuss it." Now my friends, my Black woman friends, are what I call my Dr. friends pronounced D-R Period. They're MDs, DDS, and me the PhD.

I told her straight up "My friends are talking about loans and sleep. How to pay off their student loans faster and how in the world to get more sleep."

Nevertheless I'm watching this thing and the first thing that pops up HUGE for these guys is cooking. Now y'all know I cook. I cook a ton actually.  In past posts I've talked about cooking for my ex and I cook at friend's houses all the time. I love to express my love through food.  I mailed some pound cake to ML to celebrate her last week of night float. Love is in the vanilla beans I'm telling you!

 I cooked for my guy friends in college as well.  For all the presidential debates the first time Obama got elected, I went to the store, bought ingredients, and make apple cobbler FROM SCRATCH for each and every debate watch party. I then served this cobbler to the menfolk first and then the smattering of ladies present. Everyone expected this cobbler but did it help me stop being single?

Nope

In fact I have guy friends who talk about how in the future, them and their wife, THEIR WIFE, are going to come to my house for Sunday dinner.  So you're telling me you value food and you love my cooking but dating me isn't crossing your mind?  You're gonna go get this other girl who you assume won't be able to cook like me, though you value cooking, and give her your last name and think you'll be pulling up to my table?

You must be OUTSIDE your mind!!!!!!

Statements like this are the precise reason I no longer cook for straight men. Y'all want to sit at my table soaking up all the good home cooked scratch made loving, AND be great friends with me but you don't want to date me?  I spy something amiss. The guys in the video are talking about the importance of cooking and even my real life guy friends are talking about how you can't wait to eat at my table, but you don't want to wife me for that reason.  Apparently y'all can't decide how important this cooking thing is but I can.

 I do NOT cook for straight men unless I'm bringing a dish and anyone can have it.

Now this guy is talking about devoting half of everything to a woman. If he's devoting his life to her why can't she devote hers to him.  I can see that but then he moved into why settle?

Why settle?  He states that as a guy you have the run of the game. You don't need to wife anyone to get your needs met as a guy so you definitely won't settle or as I like to say "marry someone you'll have to work with."  This guy is like "I should get what I want" out of the marriage or woman.

Now this strikes me as odd. Every single relationships I'm in requires work. No one is the perfect friend or lover.  Now since y'all know I don't date, we'll take this back to friend.

Worth the work

Worth it!

Friendships need work.They require maintenance. Sometimes you have to have tough conversations with your friends. Never in my life have I really thought of my best friends as "I should get what I want our of this friendship or its over."

If one of my besties is down/sad/frustated/tired/confused/irritable/irritating I don't think "wow…this isn't fun anymore or I'm not getting what I want so I'm gonna leave." And guess what? They don't think that about me either.  We're committed. We're in this thing together. We're here for the ride. In my opinion, relationships are about what you can GIVE not get.

Now this other guy is  talking about how just because a woman has something, that something doesn't make her a better catch.  His example "Having a degree" O________O

My fellow Kennedy Queens before graduation

FYI: To be a Kennedy Queen you had to receive a full academic scholarship to Hampton

Me and ML

*Got a full ride but opted not to stay in Kennedy

He says basically that you having a degree isn't really on his list but "Do you workout?" is?  So basically the last 9 years of my life that I've spent and many of my Dr. friends have spent making ourselves the "Dr."s of the world is of no conscience or use to you?  Boy BYE

GTFOHWTBS

These academic achievements are the most important things I've ever done and the most serious investments in myself I will probably ever make but they're not on your list so they don't count towards making me a better catch? Then don't even ATTEMPT to catch me.  All you're asking about is working out? Yes I work out but if you don't respect this Dr. and all the work and sacrifice I put into that don't come round my way sir.

Next topic: Last name changes?  These boys are a TRIP! They basically were like "you want to title of wife but you don't want my last name? NOPE!"  One guy of the 5 guys was like "We can hyphenate" and the others were like "well let's hyphenate the rent too" and started cackling.  O____O
They go on to say what's the point of the rings if you don't' want my last name too?  I don't agree with that because wanting to be married and have the commitment is so much more than a name.

Now I'm a believer in taking the last name.  My family does the maiden name initial with the married last name. That's how we roll. BUT I know women who haven't changed their name for good reasons.

That reason: EDUCATION!  Yup! If you've got a publication record in medicine or research, changing your name can damage your career. Yes career.
The thing you had and were trying to have before you had this man.
That thing.
The thing that will never leave or forsake or cheat on you?
Your academic credentials!

I also have a lot of friends who fall into this category which is the one I may potentially fall into depending on how I feel in the not so close future. That is:
I'll take your name socially but professionally I'm Dr. Maiden name.
Why?

Because where were YOU during Polymer Therapeutics, Orthodontics Clinic, Pathophysiology, Anatomy Lab, Immunology, Histology, Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Qualitative Pharmaceutical Analysis?  <--- a list of some of the hardest classes we Dr. girls had to take and you weren't there to rub our feet, make a pot of coffee, or even tell us we were capable!

Me and my Daddy

The man in our lives during those torture filled classes was DADDY and DADDY is getting credit EVERY TIME someone references this academic success I've had. But I still love you boo…you just weren't there. But on my checks, my mail to the house, and in social reference… I'm Mrs. Married name.  I'm just Dr. Maiden at the office. XOXO

Now this married dude was talking about maintaining the marriage and he said he'd come straight out and tell his wife "Baby you haven't worked out in 3 weeks and you've gained about 7 lbs." O__O

Her response is " You'se a jerk" while carrying herself to the gym!

Another guy on the panel was like but this is preferable to him stepping out on her. He told her what she needed to do as opposed to just cheating! O____O WHAT?
You can't be serious?  7 lbs will cause you to cheat?  You need to do better.  I get that sexual attractiveness is key but what about just inviting her to the gym with you.

Shannon and I don't always sit at the house and cook. If I tell her I need to get in a little exercise or she feels she needs some, we go up the street to the park and ride bikes and walk and have a grand ol' time. I just don't think anyone has to be a jerk to help their partner be better.  You know what I do at ML's? I cook.  That's right I cook so she doesn't have to worry about food or how to get something healthy. I take care of that because I love her. That's really basic and really loving and takes care of that person's feelings AND waist line. Sir….be nicer!  Thankfully another guy on the panel was like I'd just invite her to workout with me or eat with me instead. Way to go bro!

I cook healthy cause I love you and I want you around…no need to be a jerk about it!

Now we have moved on to religion and politics.  One guy who's opinions I've liked throughout was saying that he definitely needs someone with a strong opinion and strong beliefs.  He said he'd ended relationships because girls didn't have opinions. I like that. I enjoy vigorous debate.  You not having an opinion on important things won't fly around me either.  They all pretty much settled on the girl needing to be a Christian which I totally understand but when they asked what if the girl was a republican?  The guys were hilarious like O____O
That ain't the move.


Moving right along to what if she made more money.  One guy wants to make more both the others say it ain't no count. Now they're discussing being the man of the house.  I can see how the woman making more money could causes problems with that.  Yes, you're the man but you aren't per say "taking care of me" in a financial sense.  My mother says there are other ways to be taken care of but she's stayed home since 1990 so O__O
She's the basic definition of a kept woman.
I realize that my earning potential and that of my friends is much much more than the average guy but I still want to be '"taken care of."  Now this an manifest lots of ways.  I love a good crosscut on the yard, I like landscaping, house remodeling, you maintaining and washing my car, heavy lifting, and all!


Sex. Yup…and how many times does it need to happen.  Theses guys on here talking about a minimum of daily.

O___O

Clearly, y'all don't have bills or other obligations and y'all are never tired.  They said they want it so often that they almost get it too much.  One guy was even like "I want it enough that I'm real close to telling her no." And apparently, its on the woman to keep them excited and interested? WHAT?!?! What about you keeping us excited? Why is it my job to keep it spicy?

I've already got a job for which I will have trained over 17 years when I finished. I don't need any further employment. Thanks!

The last question of this 47 minute video was "Would you leave your wife if she was barren?"  This is your wife as in you are ALREADY MARRIED!  Now the guys are like shoot, if I plan to get married I will definitely have my future wife tested. But with the question as it is…you're already married and you find out… 3 of the 5 would leave their wife.  I think that is DESPICABLE!  She didn't know she was barren and neither did you. You aren't guaranteed children with a marriage. You're guaranteed a wife. That's it. I think there are way too many options for parenting to be leaving for that reason.  I think you obviously didn't take your marriage vows seriously and you might just be a down right jerk.

I wouldn't leave my husband for this reason. I wouldn't leave anyone, friend or lover, who wasn't trying to hurt me by their actions.  Since I'm yet again a friend-only person, I'm a loyalist. If you get some kind of illness, I'll be there. I'll hold your hand and stroke your brow and tell you its okay to go. I'm here for all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I think anyone entering into relationships of any significant depth should be too.

The thing I don't really like about all of this is that it feels very tit for tat. It doesn't feel like love at all.  I move in my relationships out of love, not obligation.  I'm not motivated by what you'll do for me but what I think will bring you joy.
I'm here for you by choice. I love you because I do, not because of what you do for me.

Anyway…this was just my take on these guys.  What are y'all's thoughts?

The Legacy Ends...

In 2005 I made a pivotal decision.  Well technically I made it in 2004.

Whatchudoing?

Go get a snack. Grab a seat and a blanket and let me tell you a story.

My newest favorite beverage. I'd suggest it but they're 5.99/4 pack! 

You ready? Here it go.

So I was involved with a program called CERTL.  It was basically an early program for high school students interested in medicine to do research at Wake Forest University. It was a partnership between my county and Wake which is in the county and it's biggest employer.  So I got in and there I met someone.

Someone very important.

Me and Tiff now: PhD Candidate and Neurologist starting a Epilepsy Fellowship next July!

I want to be just like her when I grow up except in OB/GYN! 

Tiffany was a grad student in my lab and another guy's lab and she was….Black.

This, being a Black graduate student, was something I'd never seen before but we had no reason to really talk to each other.  I knew my Daddy had a PhD but a Black woman do basic research was a whole new thing. I was someone else's high school student for the summer and he and her did NO-THING together.
Later on I'd find out that she thought he was lazy and they just did NOT get along.

Anyway I can't remember exactly how we became people but I do remember two distinct early conversations.

1. She and I were very alike. Both our dads are PhDs, we both took piano, and we're both AMEZion which is a very special thing as I've rarely met another AMEZion person in an non-AMEZion affiliated situation.  AMEZion stands for African Methodist Episcopal Zion which is the denomination of Christianity I was raised in.

2. I wanted to go to UNC-Asheville. Its a state school in a totally artsy fartsy part of the state that's unbelievably gorgeous. I told this to Tiffany.

Tiffany's reaction?

Yea its me but that's the same side eye Tiff gave me over a decade ago.

She gave good side eye before the phrase "side eye" existed. I learned from her! 

Tiffany was NOT having it! She then told me about this place….

Ogden Hall.  The grass on Ogden can only be walked on once you graduate. If you walk on it before, legend has it you won't graduate on time. And we take legend SERIOUSLY!

Hampton University. She told me all the wonderful things that I never imagined about something called an HBCU.

Where I'd take some of my hardest courses…Turner Hall, the home of Chemistry.

Now… I wasn't ignorant of the Historically Black College and University concept. I'd just never considered it for myself. Actually my parents are proud alumni of Livingstone College (Mom) and NC A&T State University (Daddy) but they never pushed us towards HBCUs.

Tiffany made Hampton sound like the promised land and I went home singing its praises.

Convocation….where a very special young lady received her Bachelors of Arts Sunday!

Now my parents were very happy with this development because, unbeknownst to me, they knew all about Hampton and would be pleased as punch to send their eldest daughter to Hampton.

Not to leave anyone out, my godmother is a Hamptonian as well but she is my mother's age so when she talked about college is sounded very much like my mom's experience and I wasn't really trying to duplicate that.

Now Tiffany was a few years older than me so her Hampton experience was one I could get with!

The brand new dorm I stayed in for two years!

So, with the blessing of my parents, and armed with the knowledge from Tiff that all that separated me from a full scholarship at Hampton was a slightly more than 100 SAT points I set my sights on Hampton.

I continued to work in the lab throughout my Junior and Senior year, take advanced courses, work towards my Girl Scout Gold Award, and be tutored in a myriad of subjects until one faithful day.

I was getting ready to take a test in AP Biology. I'd like to note at this time that my AP Biology teacher didn't think I was that bright. In fact he told my mother so.  He didn't think biology was a good major for me to go into. O_O  Funny cause I'm getting a PhD in a few months but you know…I'm not that bright according to him. O__O

Anyway, our SAT scores dropped that morning and I got a 650 and a 670. Now you needed a 1300 at the time to get a full ride to Hampton.  Unfortunately my brain was on siesta when it came to math and I distinctly remember that I couldn't add these two numbers in my head to determine if I'd passed 1300. Lame I know. 

Anyway I added up the numbers and went on the balcony of my classroom and called my mom and told her.

Then I took my exam and drove straight home.

I got just to the bottom step to get in the house when my mom opened the door and I just wept.

Yup right there like a baby. I was so happy.

It had all paid off.  All the works had paid off and I was in fact walking in the fulfillment of words spoken to me in second grade.

"You will go to college on a full scholarship."

I'd been saying that on and off all my life since my Dad, a college administrator, told me I would.

And I did. I got a Presidential Scholarship to Hampton University.  I was being paid to study.

Now….I could drop the story on you of how I met ML right about now but I'll save that for a later more mushy time like her birthday.

Yup…that's what I look like when I think about her….a silly grin all across my face. Can't maintain no kinda swag around her :-P

I digress….but I know y'all like it when I do. :-P

Anyway so I went to Hampton, had a blast, made lifelong friends, and graduated in 4 years with my Bachelors of Science in Biology, Molecular and Cellular Concentration and my minor in English.

SN: ML was the only other Biology major to complete her minor. English and Political Science!

Anyway…I went to Hampton.  And then one year later, my sister came to Hampton too.

You see Hampton has a 6 year pharmacy program (that us Biology majors hoping to become Drs. kicked ourselves repeatedly for not being in) and my sister wanted to be in it. She also got a tuition scholarship to Hampton so that means that all my parents had to pay was food and lodging so their answer was :

YES! Yes..where do we send our money and how would they like it?!?!

My sister would matriculate successfully through this program and graduate with her PharmD in 6 years.  

Yea…she got her doctorate first. And yes her and my Dad do sometimes call each other Dr. 

To her credit she graduated Magna Cum Laude. I think its because I always told her that if she didn't finished, she'd still be a high school graduate. :-D Yup I was mean….but she got through it right!?!?!

So then…along come my first cousin.  Most people have lots of these but I have two. 

Me and my sister: Thing 1 and Thing 2

My two first cousins: Thing 1 and Thing 2: Part 2

So Thing1P2 decides that Hampton is also for her. At this point we've got a legacy at Hampton.

I've successfully finished and my sister is doing well in Pharmacy school so naturally, Hampton admits T1P2.

Now this was a struggle. T1P2 is a lovely sweet girl but let's just say no paper she turned in didn't take a few turns around my inbox.  My inbox while I was trying to get my PhD.  Read: I was busy but I'm still the oldest…I'm Thing 1 period.

In the end though she made it….with departmental honors. And I've never been prouder to help someone fulfill their potential and see them see themselves as capable.  Yup…we three Hampton Women have come, rocked it, and conquered.  

The legacy I started has ended with great success.

Me, T1P2, and our sociology degree!

Cousins by blood, Hamptonians by degrees conferred! 

Really Sabs….Really?

So yesterday was the last of my first set of sessions with Sabrina. Don't remember her?

The Long Legged One!

Oh but you remember those legs don't you…? Yea they're hers.

Today she made me….umm had me go through the last day of the plan she designed for me. What's the plan look like?

That's an earlier iteration.  Yea…Sabs is crazy.

We did Saturday yesterday and I'm supposed to be back in there today to do Tuesday.  And yes… Saturday's workout has settled nicely over my skeleton. I just got out of bed and said out loud

"Oh SABS!" all whiny like. For some reason, when I'm in pain from my workouts I always blame my trainer. 

So I know you want to know…  how do I feel about this whole situation? How was this experience?  Well I was feeling some feelings earlier and tweeted them! 

Below you will find out exactly what I think of the Long Legged One!

Let me tell you why I love my trainer….

Sabs is mean....she comes up to you and does mean things like make you do all your reps with correct form. Even when she's not training you

Sabs doesn't want to hear about how it's hard. She knows it's hard and you're still doing it...yea I love that.

Sabs eats Ben and Jerry's and candy. She's a real person. I like my trainers a little mischievous

Sabs gives good advice about working out and life. She's easy to be honest with. I mean brutally honest.

Sabs can look at you and tell something ain't right....and that I like.

Sabs realizes things affect your workout that aren't workout related.

Sabs pointed out that I hold my breath when something is hard so she talks to me so I talk back and breath!

Sabs respects your goals for training. Your training is your own.

Sabs figured out that I'm hyper flexible. Yea...I needed to know that so i don't accidentally pop my hips out the sockets….

Sabs also said less yoga more weights for the hyper flexible thing. Joint injury and hyper flex go hand in hand and I no want that!

I didn't have to wear a spanx to an event for the first time in my memory. Sabs and JJ kicked this butt right out of foundation!

Sabs is hilarious. HI-LARIOUS! Y'all should hear her trash talk. She isn't here for most of you!

And now you know exactly what I think of all this personal training and what not. Sabs is awesome…and she's probably going to read this entry and be all "Aww shucks" but trust me…it won't get me out of a single repetition. Not a one.

Things I Know for sure #3

I know for sure this place will always be home. I love, I love, I love, my H-I-U!

I know for sure that this twist out was fabulous!

I know for sure that that man on the end is why my behavior is somewhat questionable at times.

I know for sure that helping my cousin finish the legacy of TJ's granddaughters finishing Hampton well, was worth the sacrifice.

I know for sure that this picture captures us exactly (L-R): Sass, indifference, and intellectually aloof. 

3

Sweetest thing I've ever known

There was this song that came out that described my thoughts for him perfectly.

To me you are

Heaven's finest

Invention by far

So much brighter than the

Brightest star

What I'd give to make you see

Who you are to me

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!

The War Continues...

You win some, you lose some. This doesn't feel like a loss because the war is yet to be decided.

Black talk radio and my Israeli supervisor

This was just funny y'all. This blog needs some funny.

Check it….

The structure of my lab is that you exist in a team. That team does research that relates to yours. My team is the Magnetic Nanoparticles team. Your team is headed be a research associate professor.  Mine is Israeli.

So what happened with my supervisor.

Well I walked into her office to discuss my need to graduate. I was talking about how my two top choices (and only choices) for medical school are two historically Black medical schools. She was like

"OH! I listen to Black radio!"

Whachumean Black radio?

I was of course confused. Why is she listening to Black radio?  I mean how did she even find it? She found it because the radio station she was originally on wasn't doing it for her so she switch to the next one on the dial.

I asked her what kind of music was being played and she didn't know since apparently she listen to Black talk radio.

And she LOVES IT!  She was like they're always having a great time!

My response: Being Black is literally like having a good time. Outside these walls, that's exactly how my life is.

We had lunch and sometimes dinner together all 4 years of undergrad <---Comedy Central!

Her response: "Really? They're just so open!"

Now at this point I'm confused.  As we Blacks know, we're not the most open minded of folks so I needed clarification. 

Me: "Open in what way?"

Her: "They just say whatever they think!"

Note that the whole time she's basically laughing. Apparently, this Black talk radio is giving her life as we would say.

Me: "Oh that's not open. That's keeping' it real. Like let me hit it twice so you know its real!"

Yes I did say that. No she doesn't know what it means. We'll just move on ;-)

Me: "Yea if Black people don't like something or feel a certain way we will tell you! If your outfit is ugly we're gonna say its ugly."

Her: "Yea and its awesome" and she just laughed.

Yea….this is what lab is like. You learn something new everyday….most days that something new isn't science either.

NOT what I'm learning about in my science lab!

(Don't worry, me and liquid Nitro go back real far!)

One of those days

Today….was one of those days. You know the ones.  Maybe you don't.  Allow me to elaborate.

Yesterday I got some news that basically said you weren't our first, second, or third choice.

In my super emotional and somewhat damaged mind all I heard was

 "You aren't good enough."  

You see I draw the majority of my confidence and self worth from my education and intelligence.  The entire process of getting into med school has turned my self image upside down.  Due to a major failing on my part, my ability to do really well on standardized tests wasn't on display when it needed to be and now I'm in the middle of a waiting game. Unfortunately, the mere concept that I wasn't someone's first choice academically has rattled me to my core.

I'm a mitigator of risk.  I don't take them. An example? Here it goes

As I've stated before I don't date. This isn't because I'm not interested in dating, its because dating is risky. You could like someone who doesn't like you back. They could treat you in a manner that you don't appreciate. You could be more into them than they are into you.  There are a whole host of problems not to mention the fact that I have in the past tolerated emotional and physical abuse in romantic relationships so I don't quite trust myself to stand up for me for fear that I could lose this person.  <--- Excellent reasons for me to be single!

So how do I mitigate this risk?  I only have friends. Friends by definition are going to be there for you and you for them.  I've got old friends too. My youngest friendship is 5 years and 2 continents old and the oldest is coming up on 14 years. I don't even really try to make new friends because 1) I'm super serious about the friendships I have, 2) I spend a lot of time maintaining them, and 3) making new friends is risky.

Now I know you're wondering how far back does this go? Well I'll say this. I wanted to have friends as a child and I didn't. No one wanted to be my friend in elementary school…well some people did but I didn't realize it at the time.  I'm not huge on subtlety and apparently they wanted to be my friends but my Mom was the only one who realized it. I did have one best friend in 2nd grade but in 3rd she became friends with someone else and we stopped being friends.

Anyway, in my memory, there are no friendships from elementary school.   I didn't have my first true friends until 13 and I'm still friends with Shannon and Sarah to this day. I honestly went to college not looking to make any new friends but ML fell into my lap and it just worked that we became friends.  And YiLing, wanted to be my friend and since I was way out in Nebraska, I was open to that and we became friends but I didn't make any other friends besides her in all of graduate school.  I'm sort of a one friend kind of girl. I have super meaningful relationships but they're all one on one.

As you can see, nothing is risky in my life. Everything I do is calculated.  The first risk I've taken since 2006 (when I started dating my ex) was applying to medical school and I didn't see it as a risk. I'm a PhD candidate. Surely they'd want someone who is about to be qualified to teach medical school to be a student at one.

Not. The. Case.

Not. That. Simple.

So basically my emotional situation is based entirely on my inbox and what it tells me. Additionally, yesterday I found out that if I don't get into medical school for this fall, I won't be graduating this summer so my receiving my PhD on time has now become contingent on an admissions letter.

Which I'm still waiting on.

Plus I got that other email from one of the schools stating that "You're not worthy."

These two situations set me up to have a craptastic evening and day today.

Today was an "existing" day until about 3 pm when it became a little more "functional."


So today's post 3 pm successes are:

I ate enough to get through a Sabrina-esque workout.

(read: carbs because it was leg day!)

I worked out.

I picked up my dry cleaning.

I painted my toes for my cousin's college graduation Sunday.

Learning to do designs on yourself isn't easy…

I wrote this blog post.

That's all I got. Well that and puffy eyes.