Yesterday I got some news that basically said you weren't our first, second, or third choice.
In my super emotional and somewhat damaged mind all I heard was
"You aren't good enough."
You see I draw the majority of my confidence and self worth from my education and intelligence. The entire process of getting into med school has turned my self image upside down. Due to a major failing on my part, my ability to do really well on standardized tests wasn't on display when it needed to be and now I'm in the middle of a waiting game. Unfortunately, the mere concept that I wasn't someone's first choice academically has rattled me to my core.
I'm a mitigator of risk. I don't take them. An example? Here it goes
As I've stated before I don't date. This isn't because I'm not interested in dating, its because dating is risky. You could like someone who doesn't like you back. They could treat you in a manner that you don't appreciate. You could be more into them than they are into you. There are a whole host of problems not to mention the fact that I have in the past tolerated emotional and physical abuse in romantic relationships so I don't quite trust myself to stand up for me for fear that I could lose this person. <--- Excellent reasons for me to be single!
So how do I mitigate this risk? I only have friends. Friends by definition are going to be there for you and you for them. I've got old friends too. My youngest friendship is 5 years and 2 continents old and the oldest is coming up on 14 years. I don't even really try to make new friends because 1) I'm super serious about the friendships I have, 2) I spend a lot of time maintaining them, and 3) making new friends is risky.
Now I know you're wondering how far back does this go? Well I'll say this. I wanted to have friends as a child and I didn't. No one wanted to be my friend in elementary school…well some people did but I didn't realize it at the time. I'm not huge on subtlety and apparently they wanted to be my friends but my Mom was the only one who realized it. I did have one best friend in 2nd grade but in 3rd she became friends with someone else and we stopped being friends.
Anyway, in my memory, there are no friendships from elementary school. I didn't have my first true friends until 13 and I'm still friends with Shannon and Sarah to this day. I honestly went to college not looking to make any new friends but ML fell into my lap and it just worked that we became friends. And YiLing, wanted to be my friend and since I was way out in Nebraska, I was open to that and we became friends but I didn't make any other friends besides her in all of graduate school. I'm sort of a one friend kind of girl. I have super meaningful relationships but they're all one on one.
As you can see, nothing is risky in my life. Everything I do is calculated. The first risk I've taken since 2006 (when I started dating my ex) was applying to medical school and I didn't see it as a risk. I'm a PhD candidate. Surely they'd want someone who is about to be qualified to teach medical school to be a student at one.
Not. The. Case.
Not. That. Simple.
So basically my emotional situation is based entirely on my inbox and what it tells me. Additionally, yesterday I found out that if I don't get into medical school for this fall, I won't be graduating this summer so my receiving my PhD on time has now become contingent on an admissions letter.
Which I'm still waiting on.
Plus I got that other email from one of the schools stating that "You're not worthy."
These two situations set me up to have a craptastic evening and day today.
Today was an "existing" day until about 3 pm when it became a little more "functional."
So today's post 3 pm successes are:
I ate enough to get through a Sabrina-esque workout.
(read: carbs because it was leg day!)
I worked out.
I picked up my dry cleaning.
I painted my toes for my cousin's college graduation Sunday.
Learning to do designs on yourself isn't easy…
I wrote this blog post.
That's all I got. Well that and puffy eyes.
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