I've noticed that some people say it all the time. I know Shannon and her husband say "I love you" at the end of every phone call. Now that's not something I grew up with. My mother, at a statuesque 4'10", kisses me on my neck because that's where she can reach. Yea…you can laugh. My mom is a tiny person. Real talk.
Me and my Mommie
Some people say "I love you" to any and everyone. I'm not one of those people either. You see I use to have this super intense friend. Honestly he was me, in male form. And he thought saying "I love you" meant you'd be willing to sacrifice, die even, for the person you're saying this too. Now I thought that was quite extreme personally.
I personally teeter with "I love you." There are some people I say it to all the time and some people…not so much. Doesn't mean I don't love them but that's just not a part of what we do.
I still remember the first time my mother's sister (my aunt) told me she loved me on the phone. I distinctly remember being shocked and I said
You ready…?
"Thank you"Yup….I told my mother's sister who had been a part of my life from its conception "Thank you" in response to her telling me she loved me. To my credit I was shocked. And my aunt was…well I don't actually know cause I'm not her but I will say that before I got off that call I told her I loved her. I also had an interesting conversation with my mother about that and she bought that I was shocked.
I really was.
It hadn't ever occurred to me to say those words to her. I barely talked on the phone anyway and my parents told me they loved me and I said it back but to this day my sister and I don't even say I love you on a regular basis. I actually just instituted hugging upon leaving each other's presence because I think its kind of odd that I hug lots of people and she ain't one of them. My sister's way of saying "I love you" manifests as "You miss me don't you?"stated smugly or "I miss you Teek!" squeaked out exuberantly. We just aren't those people.
She's so….interesting. The little one
Now…I am those people though. You see Gary Chapman wrote this handy book about love languages and a long time ago when I was with my ex, we read these books. He didn't realize that a fundamental part of it was actually loving the other person the way the perceive love but I digress.
A lot of my friends and I all took the test and were really serious about this. I'll go ahead and tell you mine.
Giver of many gifts, creator of much happiness
(Also I'm more that a little excited to look just like him)
My Daddy is a gift giving guru, so my love language as it relates to men is gifts…specifically jewelry. If a man isn't buying me jewelry, I don't feel loved. I realize lots of women like to have their cars filled up with gas or to hear that they're hot but those things don't do it for me. Now I'm not a gold digger of any kind. I'm a sterling silver girl so I'm not out to break anyone's bank.
The way I see it to give a gift you have to have been thinking about the person. Then you had to deem your hard earned money as something you wanted to spend on them and then you have to spend a pretty decent amount on them for jewelry. To me jewelry says you're worth it. I know its lame…but its me.
Now, my primary love language in general is receiving gifts. Its how I receive love and how I give it. Remember those care packages I send ML…its not because her primary love language is receiving gifts. Its because mine is. I love giving thoughtful gifts not necessarily super expensive ones. And because she's so good to me that I just can't believe she wants to be my friend to begin with that I get carried away. I have to tell myself to STOP in stores very often. She's just such a cheerful receiver!
ML's Birthday Package
Now…my secondary love language is physical touch. My primary and secondary are close though so from some people this one can definitely become the dominant one. Physical touch can be anything that involves two people being loving. This one is ML's primary. I like to cuddle and I like to hug. So what does that obviously mean….it means I love babies! Thankfully babies like me too. My favorite age is when they still fall asleep on you. Whew chile nothing fills me up like a sweet baby sleeping on my chest.
LP moments away from a quality nap right over my heart :-)
4 days old and she found LP's spot real quick and filled my heart to the brim!
Obviously I also like hugs from adults and I'm a hand holder.
I know its lame.
When I was in high school I thought holding hands was dumb. Very dumb. Why? Well I was in band (read: band geek and proud of it!) and I played lots of instruments. I needed my hands for carrying things. Nowadays, hold my hand. Please :-)
Now there are other love languages too like words of admiration and acts of service. I dig acts of service for some people but generally if you've ever hurt my feelings…I mean really hurt me that is NOT a way I will show love for you if I'm still in a relationship with you. I don't know what it is but being hurt cuts that off for me. What does acts of service look like? Well it looks like doing anything for someone that they could have done for themselves but didn't.
My favorite act of service is visiting people. Now I know you're wondering how that serves someone. I'm going to tell you right here, right now.
When I visit I don't chill at your house. I'm not a person who eats all your food and soaks up your good cable. I'm all for a lazy day but I'm not that person. When I go to Shannon's, I help with dinner, I've been known to give baths, change diapers, practice flashcards, read, serve as the holder of the baby, and one night me, Shannon, and her husband painted their kitchen and den. Yup, I'm no bum when it comes to visiting. At ML's I cook, clean, do laundry, cater to, fuss over, and well be a friend. The point is I try and even if its not someone's primary love language, I know they appreciate it. :-) Plus it makes me feel awesome too!
One of my favorite in the acts of service department: Visiting!
Depending on the person I can be totally effusive in the way I talk to you. <- Words of affirmation overload! It can be peppered with loving kindnesses made into words or if we have our own slang I'll use that. I call YiLing that because I gave her that name. Her name is Yi but that's not how we roll. My sister and I go by names that aren't even related to our Christian names but hey…that's how we like to do it.
In the end there are some people I say "I love you" to, some I demonstrate it to, and others who get both.
I have digressed so far for the original reason I started this post.
What I really wanted to talk about was how "I love you" can be the purest of expressions. I firmly believe you never know completely what anyone's going through but I think telling them "I love you" means something. I think we should say it more to the people we really do love. I also think that sometimes people who, for whatever reason, are having a hard time loving themselves can rest on the "I love you" of others until they can honestly say it to themselves.
"I love you" has power. It can save people. It can be literal salvation or a rope thrown down the deepest darkest hole someone has found themselves in. You don't have to see the hole for it to be there. You never know what kind of life raft you could be giving someone with that "I love you."
I've been on the receiving end of that life raft more than a few times. I've needed to hear those "I love you" on the phone and in person. When I couldn't decide whether or not to leave my ex, those true "I love you"s help me see that his weren't so.
When I've been unsure about what to do with my life, "I love you" has meant that you're more than your job. "I love you", when used correctly, is life giving and life sustaining.
In light of this I've decided to say it when I feel like it.
Middle of a conversation: Cool
Calling just to say it: Coming your way!
Hitting you with an "I love you" text: Definitely
Getting ready to tell some hard truths: Gonna drop an "I love you" in there too!
Silly times together: Yup then too!
The amazing thing about "I love you" is that in actuality, you don't need the other person to say it back. I don't love you because you love me. I love you because that's what I feel for you.
I love you. Can't you see that? You're the bee's knees.
XOXO
I love you.
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