Naturally, since she's married and I'm turning the age at which she got married this year and I'm happily and contentedly single, she wanted me to watch this video. O___O
Now…my mother has the best intentions. She was all "You and your friends can watch it and discuss it." Now my friends, my Black woman friends, are what I call my Dr. friends pronounced D-R Period. They're MDs, DDS, and me the PhD.
I told her straight up "My friends are talking about loans and sleep. How to pay off their student loans faster and how in the world to get more sleep."
Nevertheless I'm watching this thing and the first thing that pops up HUGE for these guys is cooking. Now y'all know I cook. I cook a ton actually. In past posts I've talked about cooking for my ex and I cook at friend's houses all the time. I love to express my love through food. I mailed some pound cake to ML to celebrate her last week of night float. Love is in the vanilla beans I'm telling you!
I cooked for my guy friends in college as well. For all the presidential debates the first time Obama got elected, I went to the store, bought ingredients, and make apple cobbler FROM SCRATCH for each and every debate watch party. I then served this cobbler to the menfolk first and then the smattering of ladies present. Everyone expected this cobbler but did it help me stop being single?
Nope
In fact I have guy friends who talk about how in the future, them and their wife, THEIR WIFE, are going to come to my house for Sunday dinner. So you're telling me you value food and you love my cooking but dating me isn't crossing your mind? You're gonna go get this other girl who you assume won't be able to cook like me, though you value cooking, and give her your last name and think you'll be pulling up to my table?
You must be OUTSIDE your mind!!!!!!
Statements like this are the precise reason I no longer cook for straight men. Y'all want to sit at my table soaking up all the good home cooked scratch made loving, AND be great friends with me but you don't want to date me? I spy something amiss. The guys in the video are talking about the importance of cooking and even my real life guy friends are talking about how you can't wait to eat at my table, but you don't want to wife me for that reason. Apparently y'all can't decide how important this cooking thing is but I can.
I do NOT cook for straight men unless I'm bringing a dish and anyone can have it.
Now this guy is talking about devoting half of everything to a woman. If he's devoting his life to her why can't she devote hers to him. I can see that but then he moved into why settle?
Why settle? He states that as a guy you have the run of the game. You don't need to wife anyone to get your needs met as a guy so you definitely won't settle or as I like to say "marry someone you'll have to work with." This guy is like "I should get what I want" out of the marriage or woman.
Now this strikes me as odd. Every single relationships I'm in requires work. No one is the perfect friend or lover. Now since y'all know I don't date, we'll take this back to friend.
Worth the work
Worth it!
Friendships need work.They require maintenance. Sometimes you have to have tough conversations with your friends. Never in my life have I really thought of my best friends as "I should get what I want our of this friendship or its over."
If one of my besties is down/sad/frustated/tired/confused/irritable/irritating I don't think "wow…this isn't fun anymore or I'm not getting what I want so I'm gonna leave." And guess what? They don't think that about me either. We're committed. We're in this thing together. We're here for the ride. In my opinion, relationships are about what you can GIVE not get.
Now this other guy is talking about how just because a woman has something, that something doesn't make her a better catch. His example "Having a degree" O________O
My fellow Kennedy Queens before graduation
FYI: To be a Kennedy Queen you had to receive a full academic scholarship to Hampton
Me and ML
*Got a full ride but opted not to stay in Kennedy
He says basically that you having a degree isn't really on his list but "Do you workout?" is? So basically the last 9 years of my life that I've spent and many of my Dr. friends have spent making ourselves the "Dr."s of the world is of no conscience or use to you? Boy BYE
GTFOHWTBS
These academic achievements are the most important things I've ever done and the most serious investments in myself I will probably ever make but they're not on your list so they don't count towards making me a better catch? Then don't even ATTEMPT to catch me. All you're asking about is working out? Yes I work out but if you don't respect this Dr. and all the work and sacrifice I put into that don't come round my way sir.
Next topic: Last name changes? These boys are a TRIP! They basically were like "you want to title of wife but you don't want my last name? NOPE!" One guy of the 5 guys was like "We can hyphenate" and the others were like "well let's hyphenate the rent too" and started cackling. O____O
They go on to say what's the point of the rings if you don't' want my last name too? I don't agree with that because wanting to be married and have the commitment is so much more than a name.
Now I'm a believer in taking the last name. My family does the maiden name initial with the married last name. That's how we roll. BUT I know women who haven't changed their name for good reasons.
That reason: EDUCATION! Yup! If you've got a publication record in medicine or research, changing your name can damage your career. Yes career.
The thing you had and were trying to have before you had this man.
That thing.
The thing that will never leave or forsake or cheat on you?
Your academic credentials!
I also have a lot of friends who fall into this category which is the one I may potentially fall into depending on how I feel in the not so close future. That is:
I'll take your name socially but professionally I'm Dr. Maiden name.
Why?
Because where were YOU during Polymer Therapeutics, Orthodontics Clinic, Pathophysiology, Anatomy Lab, Immunology, Histology, Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Qualitative Pharmaceutical Analysis? <--- a list of some of the hardest classes we Dr. girls had to take and you weren't there to rub our feet, make a pot of coffee, or even tell us we were capable!
Me and my Daddy
The man in our lives during those torture filled classes was DADDY and DADDY is getting credit EVERY TIME someone references this academic success I've had. But I still love you boo…you just weren't there. But on my checks, my mail to the house, and in social reference… I'm Mrs. Married name. I'm just Dr. Maiden at the office. XOXO
Now this married dude was talking about maintaining the marriage and he said he'd come straight out and tell his wife "Baby you haven't worked out in 3 weeks and you've gained about 7 lbs." O__O
Her response is " You'se a jerk" while carrying herself to the gym!
Another guy on the panel was like but this is preferable to him stepping out on her. He told her what she needed to do as opposed to just cheating! O____O WHAT?
You can't be serious? 7 lbs will cause you to cheat? You need to do better. I get that sexual attractiveness is key but what about just inviting her to the gym with you.
Shannon and I don't always sit at the house and cook. If I tell her I need to get in a little exercise or she feels she needs some, we go up the street to the park and ride bikes and walk and have a grand ol' time. I just don't think anyone has to be a jerk to help their partner be better. You know what I do at ML's? I cook. That's right I cook so she doesn't have to worry about food or how to get something healthy. I take care of that because I love her. That's really basic and really loving and takes care of that person's feelings AND waist line. Sir….be nicer! Thankfully another guy on the panel was like I'd just invite her to workout with me or eat with me instead. Way to go bro!
I cook healthy cause I love you and I want you around…no need to be a jerk about it!
Now we have moved on to religion and politics. One guy who's opinions I've liked throughout was saying that he definitely needs someone with a strong opinion and strong beliefs. He said he'd ended relationships because girls didn't have opinions. I like that. I enjoy vigorous debate. You not having an opinion on important things won't fly around me either. They all pretty much settled on the girl needing to be a Christian which I totally understand but when they asked what if the girl was a republican? The guys were hilarious like O____O
That ain't the move.
Moving right along to what if she made more money. One guy wants to make more both the others say it ain't no count. Now they're discussing being the man of the house. I can see how the woman making more money could causes problems with that. Yes, you're the man but you aren't per say "taking care of me" in a financial sense. My mother says there are other ways to be taken care of but she's stayed home since 1990 so O__O
She's the basic definition of a kept woman.
I realize that my earning potential and that of my friends is much much more than the average guy but I still want to be '"taken care of." Now this an manifest lots of ways. I love a good crosscut on the yard, I like landscaping, house remodeling, you maintaining and washing my car, heavy lifting, and all!
Sex. Yup…and how many times does it need to happen. Theses guys on here talking about a minimum of daily.
O___O
Clearly, y'all don't have bills or other obligations and y'all are never tired. They said they want it so often that they almost get it too much. One guy was even like "I want it enough that I'm real close to telling her no." And apparently, its on the woman to keep them excited and interested? WHAT?!?! What about you keeping us excited? Why is it my job to keep it spicy?
I've already got a job for which I will have trained over 17 years when I finished. I don't need any further employment. Thanks!
The last question of this 47 minute video was "Would you leave your wife if she was barren?" This is your wife as in you are ALREADY MARRIED! Now the guys are like shoot, if I plan to get married I will definitely have my future wife tested. But with the question as it is…you're already married and you find out… 3 of the 5 would leave their wife. I think that is DESPICABLE! She didn't know she was barren and neither did you. You aren't guaranteed children with a marriage. You're guaranteed a wife. That's it. I think there are way too many options for parenting to be leaving for that reason. I think you obviously didn't take your marriage vows seriously and you might just be a down right jerk.
I wouldn't leave my husband for this reason. I wouldn't leave anyone, friend or lover, who wasn't trying to hurt me by their actions. Since I'm yet again a friend-only person, I'm a loyalist. If you get some kind of illness, I'll be there. I'll hold your hand and stroke your brow and tell you its okay to go. I'm here for all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I think anyone entering into relationships of any significant depth should be too.
The thing I don't really like about all of this is that it feels very tit for tat. It doesn't feel like love at all. I move in my relationships out of love, not obligation. I'm not motivated by what you'll do for me but what I think will bring you joy.
I'm here for you by choice. I love you because I do, not because of what you do for me.
Anyway…this was just my take on these guys. What are y'all's thoughts?
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