Hiking and Bachata

So many things. So I went hiking with the math teacher. We talked, we laughed. I said I was going to Bachata lessons the next day and she decided to come as well. The next day we danced for an hour and I’d be remissed if I didn’t mention that there was a moment where a kiss was surely a possibility. Now that’s where it gets interesting.

So I told my friends about this and let’s just say the friend crew wasn’t too happy. I love Wodes because she’s so damn protective of me. I think watching me work through things with my ex and getting over her plus the loss of one of my major mentors has made her weary of anything she thinks might wound me deeply. She says she just doesn’t have a good feeling about this situation. She thinks me and the math teacher have too much chemistry to be doing things alone. She knows I’m not going to let myself go but so far but she also doesn’t have a good grasp on what the math teacher may or may not do.
My other friend is like you’re always in control of what you do so you’re not gonna do something you don’t want to do or let something happen that you don’t want to happen so she thinks it’s ok but she also says y’all never were friends so this process is a little weird. She said it was especially weird because both the math teacher and myself know that I want to date her and that I want her current gf to go away so I can be her gf.


The boys on the other hand are like everything isn’t black and white and you’ve always stayed in the black and white. Live in the gray a little.

I tend to side more with I’m not gonna do anything I’ll regret. I also tend to be the type that will say “let me show you why I’m better than what you’ve got.” We shall see. I spent a ton of time with her this past weekend and that was odd. We aren’t usually together.

I’m not torn about what to do as much as I’m annoyed still that she has a gf. I’m single so I can hang with whoever I want in whatever way. As I’m approaching my decade of celibacy, I’m struck by the fact that I thought I was demisexual may have just been me suppressing that drive so thoroughly that it was a none issue.  I thought I must need a deep emotional attachment to feel that for someone but maybe it was just a non starter because it was a flat no for me.

Let’s just say I’ve had more than one thought of a particular nature about this girl.

What A Week

A bitch is weary.

Let's recap.

So Monday, B got back from the wedding and I found out that Mom had fallen.

Now, who's mom?

Mom in this story is my mentor's mom. She's 94. And completely clothed in her right mind. She tells everyone that I have a PhD and I'm going into OBGYN and I'm going to be dean when they come in and I'm visiting with her.

Nevertheless, Mom comes in and get's a CT scan and she's got 3 broken ribs. Then the trauma team wants a full workup because she fell. And then she gets admitted to the Surgery ICU.

Sidenote: If I was going to be admitted to HUH, I'd want to go to the SICU or OB. No where else.

So Monday, I was at school until 1:30 am.
Tuesday.....same thing. This was kind of a life changing situation, Mom falling that is. Mom has always been independent. Until the fire, she was going up and down 4 flights of steps in her house. Mom was mobile as hell even though she doesn't drive. Well that's changed.And this is a huge change for my mentor. So I really just wanted to be there for her.

Wednesday...same thing.  We usually get dinner and I work at my desk and she works at hers (both these desks are in her office lol)

I actually had to talk to her about the fact that she was saying that they only needed help during the day. I was like
THATS A LIE! You need help 24 hours a day some days so you can do stuff. You are a person. You have a life.

I also diagnosed a abcess on CT and she was impressed! She was like "I gotta give it to you. You've definitely learned some things being in here while I read."

My response "I know you think I'm playing on my phone but I'm not!" We laughed. 

She's gone now. Conference season is upon us.

And I'm so glad she got on the plane on Thursday to go to Chicago. That's the thing...when you're good to people, others will have your back.

So on Thursday and Friday I went and sat with Mom.
She's much better.
And her only son is in town now!

So I'm off to hike with the math teacher....we shall see how this goes.

Research Week

I am incredibly tired.

Like....I came home, showered, and got in the bed.

Research week is killer.
Making posters,writing abstracts, submissions to national meetings, reading ultrasounds with my mentor, meeting with another mentor for this leadership application I still need to do, going to hear my life mentor speak and getting poured into in that way....and lots of other meetings.

This baby deaning is no joke.
Do I love it? Yes.
How could I possibly do it and have a family life? I'll get back to you on that.

For now...self care is going to look like going to bed early, going to clinic tomorrow, and then promptly going to get these feet done after.

One more day...

4-11...

We've been going nonstop.
Everything is finally finalized, printed, and submitted.
And now she's snoring in her chair because she's too tired to read her scans.
She wouldn't go to sleep unless I stayed because she was afraid she wouldn't wake up and finish.
So I stayed.

Alternate Weekend

Sometimes I get so annoyed that I couldn’t do better by the math teacher when she came along. Trying to deal with feelings for a new girl and unres Loved feelings for an old girl plus the weight of making promises to a God about waiting was too much for me! Yes I can and could and will continue to be able to sleep well at night because I made decisions that lined up with what I felt religiously convicted to do, but it still sucks.

I’ve had two amazing evenings with one of my mentors. She was my plus one for this event at school last night and then tonight I just went to help her out because she worked a double and I just have this thing about doing stuff like that for mentors. If I think you could use the help, I’ll help. You now what I realized tho? The way I live, the way I help, the way I voluntarily spend time in the hospital are al a produce of the way I’ve chosen to live my life. I’m coming up on a decade of celibacy in May, my friend group is largely very studious, and the things I live are academic affairs and curriculum reform.  If I had a girlfriend, there’s no way I could be the person I am. I’d have to give so much more and really divide my time much better. My plus one would have been my girlfriend, not a mentor for that event. She’d probsboy have stayed the night st my apartment and I’d have spent today with her. Everything about my life would me different. My mentor and I were talking about that tonight and I’ll say thing: yes I want to be married very much but this precious time wherein I can really cultivate this insane relationships with faculty and do work that students don’t thpically get to do is just as valuable.

I’d love to have spent this weekend with the math teacher but until then, I love spending the weekend with my mentors too.

Also, going on a road trip to see a mentor in action on Tuesday at Duke!  #BlackGirlPhD