Do Something

She went down....hard.

When she was finally up, it seemed like everything was wrong. She'd gone down on a leg machine and she'd been pale as a sheet from across the room. By the time I got over there she was breathing hard, her face was beet red, and she was very clearly in pain. Oddly enough, I was the only med staff in the weight room.

As soon as I got over there she was brushing everyone off though clearly in distress. Instead of initially asking her what was wrong, I immediately checked her carotid which I suspected to be fine but from what I've seen athletes like you doing something not saying something. That's when I saw it.

Her hand.

Somehow she'd caught it on the machine and smashed it pretty good. I grabbed it gently and she almost yanked it away but I'd grabbed her wrist and she wasn't getting away that easily.

I looked at her dead in her face and she looked back at me with all this fear.

Finally I just said "I know. Let me check it."

She's a keeper. She needs her hand to be okay.

I start doing a hand exam a la my sports med training when the ATC walks up. They watch for a minute, I guess because 1. they don't know who I am and 2. I do look like I know what I'm doing.

Its a pretty signifiant bruise but nothing palpates as broken. No issues with MCP, PIP, DIP or any MCL/LCL ligaments. No wrist issues. She literally smashed her hand like a sandwich on the machine because she wasn't paying attention.

By this time the crowd had dissipated and I said they should take her for x-ray today with which the HAT agreed. I said "if its hairline, you won't see it today but you will see it in a week so she's going to need another one in a week and no practice on that hand." They agreed there too and then she was off to the sports med doc's office.

She took one look back at me and said "thanks" as she walked away.

That was my first injury dream for sports med.

I'm hoping for a "no injuries" report for tonight's game!

PSA Re: Biscuits

Yes, I can make them.

Yes, I can make them from scratch.

Yes, they are delicious.

However, If I don't know what you taste like,

you get no biscuits. 

If you aren't giving me

 

you get no biscuits.

Even if...

One of my favorite lady footballers said this in an interview....

"Even if I have an itch to go back, it doesn't always have to be scratched."

I thought that was so understated and brilliant.
We often think that because we want something or desire something in this moment, that we should seek it out. That's not always the case.
For me, I pray about it.
I wait it out and see if that desire remains.
I also acknowledge that somethings I want just aren't good for me.
And itch is just for a moment.
Don't let your moments dictate your future.

Happy Tuesday!

Pick One

I came to a place in my life where I realized that I could live by my parents expectations and live the life they wanted me to live

OR

I could live my truth and be my authentic self and have a life that only I could dream and only I could make real.

I picked me.
In picking me, I found a power and a grace that I take into each day.

In picking me, I decided to follow the path God laid out for me instead of going where mere humans said I should go.

In picking me, I make it easier for people like me to see their truth as a viable option.

In picking me, I signed my own name to the deed on my life. I made myself free.

You think so huh?

So I've run into a dilemma of sorts.

Apparently, I'm way too nice.

Here me out.....

I host these fantastic dinner parties. I mean....there are 4 seats max at these things and I go all out. Cloth napkins you can actually use all out. Everything is made from scratch and its all delicious. I even make special side meals for people with dietary restrictions. I'm serious about it. Getting invited to a dinner party is your stamp of approval in my book. If I haven't fed you, I don't really like you for real.

So that gets to my story.

A TON of people from school think they're going to get an invitation to a dinner party.
I have no idea where they got this notion. 
And they KEEP asking.

Now it struck me that they must think considerably more of our cordial hallway conversations than I do. And even if we have more extensive conversations, if you don't have my actual phone number, not my groupme, but my personal cell phone number...WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

I'm a nice person. I'm cordial to people. I laugh easily. I'm open minded and open to conversation. I'm a good listener.

None of those things mean we are friends. Actually, none of those things mean I even like you. Often time I don't actually like you.

I'm the kind of person that has a friend quota. Once mine is met, I'm nice but I'm not really accepting more applicants for friendship. I already have the largest friendship group I've ever had. Its like 8 of us....that a whole heap.

I have my bestie from middle school, my high school sweetheart, the boys from undergrad, my bestie from grad school. Generally I have 1 or 2 good friends from each scholastic level  so coming into med school I had 5 plus my mentors. A group of 8 is way more than sufficient. And that doesn't include a few people I do actually like.

Regardless, I'm not inviting just anyone to my house.
Its a no.
One of my friends, whose friend group I actually don't like, asked if they could all come over for a dinner. I was like "GIRL WHAT?!?!?" in my head.
Firstly, you're trying to invite these folks to my house AND you want me to cook?
That's a smooth no.
One of them picks on me about women's soccer, one of them does no work in his e-board job but everyone thinks so highly of him in that position though I'm doing all the work, and the other one I just don't know.
I told her no but I was just like seriously....I must be the nicest person in public for y'all to think I really like so many of you.

The cold hard fact is I'm a nice person. That doesn't mean I like you. If you want to know if I really like you and its possible for you to get a dinner invitation, check and see if you have my number in your phone. ALSO Take note of whether or not I've ever called you to just chat. If you haven't met BOTH those requirements, you're probably not someone I consider my friend.

Friends get dinner invitations.

Strange Dreams and Will

This morning....I woke up to a dream about having heart surgery.

No there's nothing wrong with my heart but the dream wasn't about my actual surgery...it was about me making a will. I was literally sitting on my couch making a will of all the people and who would get what so I figured....maybe I should really make one.

So...here it goes.

I want Shannon to have my pots and pans, my alto sax, and any cook books she wants.

I want Cakes to have my UNC pendant and my Quevenzhane portrait.

I want my sister to have all my diamond jewelry (a ring and two pendants) and any other non-individually willed artwork. She can also split the cookbooks with Shannon.

I want Yi to have the Chinese needlepoint.

I want Charisma to have the pictures of us and the letters I've written her. They're in my nightstand.

Whoever is in each picture with me, can have the pictures.



I want to be buried with my dissertation, my stethoscope, and Baybesha. I want to be buried wearing my doctoral robe and my doctoral ring, my Tiffany's bracelets, and my pandora bracelets. I want to be wearing my watch as well. I want my degrees on display at the front of the church along with the pictures from my undergrad and PhD graduations. I also want all the pictures of me and my friends in my apartment displayed. Those who are taking those can collect them after the service.

If I have a girlfriend, I want her to be listed as "Girlfriend" in the program. If I do not, I want it to be said that I've been in love and been a parent through my friends and I'm grateful to them for that.

I want Precious Lord to be played along with Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross. They're my favorite hymns.

That's it for now!

You think WHAT?

So yesterday my mother called and asked me a question.

She asked me if I'd told the girl I nannied for last summer that I'm gay.

Now I knew exactly where she was trying to go with this bullshit ass line of questioning so I beat her to the pass.

I said no....knowing good and well that her and her whole family knew. Additionally, her parents knew before my white coat ceremony and they still came and cloaked me. We have a great relationship.

Newsflash: Normal people don't care about your sexuality.

The fact that normal people don't care is lost on my mother. She lives in her little town in her little bubble.

She went on to tell me that if I had she would assume that I wasn't re-hired for the summer because I'm gay and she probably didn't want that around her children because she wouldn't want that around her own children. (Unbeknownst to her the kids have books about gay families because they have books about everything.)  

GIRL WHAT?!?!? Nothing about me being gay has anything to do with my interactions with children.

Oh...but my mother found a connection. Apparently being gay predisposes people to being pedophiles. Yup...she actually talked about how she wouldn't want her kids around gay adults because we might touch children inappropriately.


GIRL WHAT!?!?!? Pedophilia and homosexuality have ZERO in common.

I hit my mom with this fact: All of the male teachers at one of my best guy friend's school are gay. Every single one. And NO ONE is concerned about them touching the children.

Moreover, I'm a girl. Statistically, women aren't pedophiles. Its just not a thing.

The fact that these things are even linked in her mind is crazy. She needs to be around some people so they can help her be less in a bubble. I don't think she realizes that by saying or thinking this about gay people she thinks this about me. I'm gay people. Just like we don't let white people tell us as individuals that we "educated" Blacks are different from the rest of our race, you can't be like well my gay child isn't like that but other people's gay children are. Its all of us or none of us as a stereotype and the one you're operating with is old and tired and entirely false.

Anyway she then wanted to ask me if I was still gay and then attempted to CONVINCE me that I'm not gay. She said if anything I'm bi. Girl where? I tried to explain to her that I didn't actually like boys sexually but I wanted to be married and I didn't realize I could be married and NOT have that be with a man so I just went with it. My goal was marriage, not sex. When it became apparent to me that I could actually be with the people I'm attracted to AND be married, that's the direction I moved in.

She continued to bring up boy after boy and I was like "I wasn't attracted to them sexually. I liked them as people. Also I was a child then!" She decided to ask me what I'm actually attracted to on a woman.

FULL STOP LADY!
I was like would you ask me that if I liked men? Have you asked my sister that question?
Well then and I'm not answering you. That's not a conversation I'm having with a parent EVER.

She went to be like people still think bad things about gay people, both morally and religiously, and I might change my mind in the same way I decided to go to med school, so I should keep it to myself. She also said some crazy stuff about alternative lifestyles and I was like girl miss me with that. There's literally nothing alternative about me. I told her, if someone lives an alternative lifestyle they will find me boring. I like to read and cook and watch soccer. There's nothing alternative about me.

She tried to say there was a man drought in my life and that that's why I started liking girls. That's dead. She tried to say I change my mind a lot and I was like nope. She tried to say its just like what I did with wanting to go to med school. Nope. Girl changing my mind about what I want to do and walking in the truth of who I am are so different but I see you can't understand that because you keep equating them.

She spent so much time trying to convince me that I'm not gay because I guess if I was bi then I could still marry a man which is what she wants. Girl miss me with that. I'm not bi. And I told her if it came down to marry and man or not marrying at all, I'd be single. 

Her final piece of advice was don't tell anyone because I wouldn't want to "dissuade any young men that wanted to date me."

THAT IS PRECISELY WHY I'M OUT GIRL!  I don't want to have anything remotely close to a whip of sexual anything with a boy. Get that from around me. I'm honestly disgusted by it AND by women who have been with men recently. I'll never understand trying to turn a straight girl. For what?

I'm out because I'm also Black in public and left handed and got the nickname Phifa because I'm obsessed with women's soccer. I'm out because it just is. I'd hate to miss out on an amazing girl because I was pretending to be straight or even just being silent. That's dead.

So yes, they clearly don't know I'm out in all aspects of my life. Also...no one has a problem with it or thinks I'm odd. Its really no biggie.

I wonder how long it'll take them to get it together. Lord help!

First Game

Last night was my first game with the team as the med intern.

It was awesome.

Let's just take it back.

Last summer I was sitting the stands learning players names, positions, and the game overall. I fell in love.

I spent the better part of 6 months in Sports Medicine clinic learning and perfecting my technique to be able to help this season and guess what?

That's what I'm doing!

Staff badge, official team polos, the whole nine yards!

Its interesting working under an athletic trainer because we often prescribe that people go see what but I don't exactly know what they do...or I didn't.

Its nice to see the continuity of care from diagnosis and surgery to rehab. Also seeing how you can play through or with an injury and how different modalities can help players excel.

So yea, we had a great game and a win to open the season at home! Also an injury free game which we ALWAYS want so all is well.

Can't wait for the next home game!

3 more....

I'm listening to Standing in the Need of Prayer. Its such a beautiful reality but I want to get you to this point in my day.

My phone was like "Voicemail 95% Full" so I decided to delete some stuff.
Let me tell you about Apple. If you haven't deleted a voicemail its still there and when I was scrolling I saw her name.

I hesitated.

I hadn't heard her voice since July.  I had to serious ask myself "Can I handle hearing her voice?"

I decided to listen, for better or worse, I pressed play.

I have 16 seconds of her from 2012 and 2014. In 2016, this was the first time I'd heard her: the girl I love and want to be with.

And I'm okay. I really am but I'm also acutely aware of the fact that my heart doesn't hear a friend. I don't know if it ever will. I'd still choose her over any one else in the world. I know that seems crazy considering we haven't talked in almost a year but its true. I still feel about her today like I felt about her then and I know that accepting whatever type of relationship she'll offer me will tear me apart if its less than one colored by her love, devotion and fidelity.

Even if I marry someone else, she's still the one I loved first with my whole heart, the one I sought God for, prayed for, hoped for, and still believe for and that always leaves traces there.

Its in the way I treat my friends.
Its in the way I choose to speak.
Its in the way I approach every new relationship, platonic or otherwise.
There are reverberations of what I felt for her everywhere and I think, as some of my friends have pointed out, it makes me the most tender-hearted, sensitive, and thoughtful friend they've every had.

I loved a girl once who didn't love me back.
That changes you.

I'm okay hearing her voice from the past.

I'm so thankful that when I was standing in the need of prayer, when that song was the very cry of my weary heart, I knew God well enough to seek Him, believe on Him, and hope in Him.

Breakfast AND lunch required!

Today I had a very interesting pt encounter.

Full disclosure: I'm overweight. Actually I'm clinically obese. I'm a big girl [and I like big girls ;-) ]
Anywho....I also work out. I love the gym. I max out at about 450 lbs for the leg press. I run and do all manner of crazy physical activities. Though I still haven't heard from the team, I'm trying to intern with a pro women's sports team and thus I work out because I have to be able to move my athletes. Currently they're mostly smaller than me because I work in pediatric sports medicine.

But today.....I had an overweight kid. They weren't there for a weight loss appt but none the less we digressed to that when they said "I don't eat breakfast or lunch."

Excuse me what?

You heard right. A child that doesn't eat breakfast or lunch.

They miss breakfast because they don't get up early enough to eat it and they spend lunch with their math teacher (their mom was like "they're a nerd!" in an accusatory tone as if something's wrong with being a nerd. Hello....you're at the doctors which is one of the official spaces for adult nerds to meet and work!).

We went over appropriate eating and what goes in a lunch box. Talked about going to the deli and getting samples to decide what kind of deli meat to get and that you can only get meat that has wings. No bologna and no pork!

Anyway....I went to my attending later and said "you know I felt slightly uncomfortable counseling this pt about appropriate eating and dieting because I'm not exactly at my ideal weight." My BMI is over 40. I'm soooo not ideal but I'm also sooo not your average person at my weight. Her response was that they've done studies that show that overweight providers have a tendency to gloss over weight issues because they have them themselves and they feel hypocritical AND that the pt isn't going to do it anyway because they're going to think "well if my MD is fat, who are they to tell me?"

The answer is....I'm your medical provider. I spent years in school...decades really to have this knowledge. She told me always rely on that. Their visit isn't an indictment about you. This is you using your expertise to help them live their best life and if that includes losing weight you need to say so.

In that she made me feel really comfortable about confronting the weight elephant that often shows up in pt visits because being obese as a child is very different from being obese as an adult. Obese children don't even develop the way average sized children do! Obese kids can't do a basic push up and often have trouble standing on one foot...its crazy for real. Also I may be big but I'm highly functional. I did a whole exam on one knee today. Oh and I have to squat all the time because kid pts don't seem to know what "squat like a frog" means.

She's great. My attending's so so great.
She's a great mentor and I honestly really like her as a person.

Anyway....clinic days are the best days.

My heros are mere mortals

The vast majority of people whom we to deem respectable and who have great jobs i.e. lawyers, doctors, professors have done illicit drugs and/or driven under the influence of alcohol at least once. 

I never have. I've only been drunk twice in my life: once in undergrad at a house party and the night I defended my PhD. Let me be very clear: I AM NOT NORMAL!

There are whole programs in the medical community designed to get physicians and dentists off of illegal prescription painkillers so they can continue to practice and not lose their licenses. It isn’t newsworthy because they aren’t famous. Let’s not pretend our role models are perfect. It’s their imperfection that makes them who they are. I love and connect with people so much more when they’re vulnerable and telling the truth. In imperfection you find humanity. 

In light of Abby's DUI, I felt I had to write something. Of course I see it. Of course I'm disappointed. But you know what....glass houses and stones are dangerous. People want to act like they ain't never done anything or been anywhere. Yes, she messed up bad. But there's grace. There's compassion. There's all the things people say they have based on being good people or being religious but I'm not seeing a lot of that floating around. 

Try and be the person you wish you could have been there for yourself when you messed up. You'll be better to yourself and others for it. 

I’ll still wear my #20 jersey with pride because the seemingly daunting can be achieved and that the redemption I claim to have through my faith, is something I can and do extend to others.

Sincerely,

An Abby Wambach Fan and a Compassionate Human Being

All or None: No Parsing

Apparently my mother inquired as to whether or not I'm "still thinking about being a lesbian?" with my sister.

She said yes.

I don't even know what to say.
I'm not thinking about being a lesbian.
I'm not thinking about being left handed.
I'm not thinking about being Black.
And I'm surely not thinking about being a doctor.

I am a Black left handed lesbian doctor. Those are all accurate. They're are all a part of who I am. I'm not thinking about them. I am them.

I know my mother remembers me liking boys. What she doesn't know is that what I really like was all the things that went with marriage: weddings, babies, stability, societal approval, and escape.

I couldn't extract those things from being with a man and when I could, I did. I can have a wedding and babies and stability and approval from people that matter while being married to a woman. And guess what....I no longer need to escape. Jesus saved my soul and I saved myself by owning me.

I love not having to pretend to find men attractive. Being gay is the only thing that makes sense. Heterosexuality is the definition of foolish in my life. I relish being able to say "when I have a wife" in general conversation and no one bats an eye.

I'm not going back in the closet for anything or any one.

This is why I need to move away.

"Its easier for you to pretend I’m something I’m not if people don’t see me and its easier for me to be who I am without worrying about how you feel about it.”

That's why I'm moving away. The society and the social set up my parents move in isn't one I want to upset. I can be the daughter you talk about that moved across the country and is never seen. That's fine. You can tell your friends whatever you like. 

And I can actually live. 

I can have a wife and children and happiness and openness and freedom...away from you. You can come see me but realize you're walking into the truth. 

My truth will be the only thing that exists in my reality. 

The half truths you tell your friends about how busy I am with my career and that's why I'm not married won't fly when my wife answers the door. Neither will disrespect of who I am, who she is, or who she is to me.

I can stay away from the carefully constructed microcosm that you've built for yourself. That's fine.

As I'm writing this her song started playing.

Anyway yea...that's where I'm at. I need the sun. I need to stand in it, bask in it. 

I'm a lesbian. 

I'm walking in the reality and it brings me such peace. 

To really know who you are and embrace that...its amazing. 

I won't let anyone take me from me.

They're just as human as you are

Today is a prime example of why I can't be in a relationship and do school well. My favorite player picked up a DUI last night and ironically is the public's response that I'm most peeved at. (and also the reason I'm so unfocused today!)

Almost every dentist, physician, and pharmacist I know has driven drunk.
Its called college.
So unless you've absolutely never driven drunk and have the moral character that would actually make me believe that....seems to me like there are an awful lot of stones and glass houses.

I've been drunk twice. Once in undergrad and I secured a designated driver before I started drinking and once when I passed my dissertation defense. I haven't had alcohol since November 19, 2014. That's the kind of moral fortitude I'm looking for otherwise leave Abs alone.

If she was a regular as person, like oh say a teacher or a doctor, this wouldn't be news. She'd be another person who made a mistake and has to pay for it. Her employer probably wouldn't even know this had happened.
She's human. Let her be that.
Let her have flaws.
I mean my God, she retired from the sport she dedicated her life to because her body couldn't keep up any more AND her wife left her. The two biggest things in her life ended in 2015. I'm shocked she's getting out of bed every day.
She needs compassion, not judgement.
If I couldn't be a physician AND my most important relationship ended, I'd be a recluse.

And don't get me started on the MNT players who were being complete jerks. Y'all can't even win a damn game and you want to talk about the greatest goal scorer of all time? NOPE! You trying to tell me that as a professional male athlete, you never drove drunk? NO way I'm believing that. Also, bringing up Hope is classless. She's doing things y'all could only dream of in soccer. Hell, no one even knows who you are. So keep your bullshit to yourself.

I'd also like to point out that I would smooth clear be over the limit off one glass of wine so she didn't haven't to be fall down drunk to be booked.

I digress.

The point is I still see Abby for who she is.
The greatest goal scorer of all time.
A great leader.
A fallible human being.
Another person in the world who could use a little less judgement and a little more sensitivity.
I'll still be wearing my Wambach jersey with pride.

Staying Home

I'm starting to realize that I don't go to most of the social activities my class has that involve dressing up.

I could dress up but generally I dress up because I'm going on a date and as someone who hasn't dated in a very long time AND who has lots of very boo-ed up friends, there's no reason for me to go. If my friends were single, I might hang with them but generally speaking, I don't really want to hang out with you and your boo even if I really like him.

The only exception to that is Shannon and Phil. Otherwise, you can hang with me or your boo but not both. I'm just not here for that. Also...heterosexuality up close (in a sexual way) is kinda gross to me personally. When I have a boo, I'll hang with other couples because I'll be too distracted by my girl to see too much hetero loving, but I'm just not here for third wheeling.

Also....if I'm being 100, most of the reason I go to dress up events is because I just want to show of my girl. If I was with the girl I love, I'd totally be at the boat party cause I'd have flown my girl in and I'd have the baddest bitch on my arm and I'd make it blatantly obvious that I'm getting laid tonight!
That's just my personality I guess. I'm kinda cocky, kinda vain.

Yes, I could go but what's the point of going alone? Anyway....let me get back to the kitchen table and do this school work

That Girl

Yet again, I was talking to the queen of all deep convos (for some reason we don't ever really talk about anything that doesn't matter....and I really like that about our relationship) and I realized something.

Let's back up. We were talking about work/life balance and she was talking about kids and whatnot and I want them of course but.....
I realized that part of what I love about medicine IS the lack of work/life balance. I've been waiting all my life to be needed in that way. To be paged, to be busy, to have more important things to do. Its part of why I left research....I want to be needed.  Its probably one of the things that draws me to OB. I missed my great aunt's 90th birthday party because we had a test. And that sits just fine with me. Now maybe I'm a little naive, but I think medicine gives me that thing a lot of people seek in a significant other: someone who needs them. Medicine is my someone who needs me and guess what....it always will.

In medicine there's that thing I'm always talking about: safety. I can rely on the fact that they will always need me: my approval, my signature, my orders, my note. I got a huge dose of that the other day. We had a pt that we thought was late and my mentor doesn't play that . You will wait if you're late. Turns out she wasn't late but I'd done her exam in a timely fashion and was waiting to present to my mentor and then go see her. In the mean time, the pt's mom got upset and wanted to leave. Now mind you, seeing me isn't a visit. I'm not a provider, I'm a student. I've been in the clinic for a long time so I'm really proficient but I'm still a student. Yes, my diagnosis was correct but still....you don't see the physician = there was no visit. So anyway she was really upset and she sent for a nurse to come get me....ME!

I went out and talked to her and she was all "we already got a diagnosis from you, what else is there?" I informed her of the prescription that I cannot write that she would be getting from my attending but she wasn't terribly interested in that. I essentially had to convince this woman to stay and wait for the only attending in the specialty I was working in that day. It was wild....and honestly I was terrified.

The scariest part was that me and my mentor look alike. We're about the same height, we're both Black women with glasses, we conduct our exams the same way (mine is modeled after hers), and we have natural hair. If this pt were to go anywhere else and say they say the "Black this particular specialty Dr at this hospital" the only person that fits that description is her but the pt would have actually been describing ME! And no, I never introduced myself as her or misrepresented myself. She was just satisfied with my exam and assessment and felt that was enough. I of course knew it wasn't! Anyway she stayed and it all worked out but.....it was so weird, good weird to be needed or requested by someone.

I love the deeper connection I've had in intimate relationships but I haven't found those to be reliable. I also know that its not healthy for your spouse to need you the way my pts will need me. I can get that desire to be needed at work.

And yes, I want kids and a wife. I want all of that but if the wife doesn't come, I'll still have medicine. (Kids are happening regardless!)