That Girl

Yet again, I was talking to the queen of all deep convos (for some reason we don't ever really talk about anything that doesn't matter....and I really like that about our relationship) and I realized something.

Let's back up. We were talking about work/life balance and she was talking about kids and whatnot and I want them of course but.....
I realized that part of what I love about medicine IS the lack of work/life balance. I've been waiting all my life to be needed in that way. To be paged, to be busy, to have more important things to do. Its part of why I left research....I want to be needed.  Its probably one of the things that draws me to OB. I missed my great aunt's 90th birthday party because we had a test. And that sits just fine with me. Now maybe I'm a little naive, but I think medicine gives me that thing a lot of people seek in a significant other: someone who needs them. Medicine is my someone who needs me and guess what....it always will.

In medicine there's that thing I'm always talking about: safety. I can rely on the fact that they will always need me: my approval, my signature, my orders, my note. I got a huge dose of that the other day. We had a pt that we thought was late and my mentor doesn't play that . You will wait if you're late. Turns out she wasn't late but I'd done her exam in a timely fashion and was waiting to present to my mentor and then go see her. In the mean time, the pt's mom got upset and wanted to leave. Now mind you, seeing me isn't a visit. I'm not a provider, I'm a student. I've been in the clinic for a long time so I'm really proficient but I'm still a student. Yes, my diagnosis was correct but still....you don't see the physician = there was no visit. So anyway she was really upset and she sent for a nurse to come get me....ME!

I went out and talked to her and she was all "we already got a diagnosis from you, what else is there?" I informed her of the prescription that I cannot write that she would be getting from my attending but she wasn't terribly interested in that. I essentially had to convince this woman to stay and wait for the only attending in the specialty I was working in that day. It was wild....and honestly I was terrified.

The scariest part was that me and my mentor look alike. We're about the same height, we're both Black women with glasses, we conduct our exams the same way (mine is modeled after hers), and we have natural hair. If this pt were to go anywhere else and say they say the "Black this particular specialty Dr at this hospital" the only person that fits that description is her but the pt would have actually been describing ME! And no, I never introduced myself as her or misrepresented myself. She was just satisfied with my exam and assessment and felt that was enough. I of course knew it wasn't! Anyway she stayed and it all worked out but.....it was so weird, good weird to be needed or requested by someone.

I love the deeper connection I've had in intimate relationships but I haven't found those to be reliable. I also know that its not healthy for your spouse to need you the way my pts will need me. I can get that desire to be needed at work.

And yes, I want kids and a wife. I want all of that but if the wife doesn't come, I'll still have medicine. (Kids are happening regardless!)