All or None: No Parsing

Apparently my mother inquired as to whether or not I'm "still thinking about being a lesbian?" with my sister.

She said yes.

I don't even know what to say.
I'm not thinking about being a lesbian.
I'm not thinking about being left handed.
I'm not thinking about being Black.
And I'm surely not thinking about being a doctor.

I am a Black left handed lesbian doctor. Those are all accurate. They're are all a part of who I am. I'm not thinking about them. I am them.

I know my mother remembers me liking boys. What she doesn't know is that what I really like was all the things that went with marriage: weddings, babies, stability, societal approval, and escape.

I couldn't extract those things from being with a man and when I could, I did. I can have a wedding and babies and stability and approval from people that matter while being married to a woman. And guess what....I no longer need to escape. Jesus saved my soul and I saved myself by owning me.

I love not having to pretend to find men attractive. Being gay is the only thing that makes sense. Heterosexuality is the definition of foolish in my life. I relish being able to say "when I have a wife" in general conversation and no one bats an eye.

I'm not going back in the closet for anything or any one.

This is why I need to move away.

"Its easier for you to pretend I’m something I’m not if people don’t see me and its easier for me to be who I am without worrying about how you feel about it.”

That's why I'm moving away. The society and the social set up my parents move in isn't one I want to upset. I can be the daughter you talk about that moved across the country and is never seen. That's fine. You can tell your friends whatever you like. 

And I can actually live. 

I can have a wife and children and happiness and openness and freedom...away from you. You can come see me but realize you're walking into the truth. 

My truth will be the only thing that exists in my reality. 

The half truths you tell your friends about how busy I am with my career and that's why I'm not married won't fly when my wife answers the door. Neither will disrespect of who I am, who she is, or who she is to me.

I can stay away from the carefully constructed microcosm that you've built for yourself. That's fine.

As I'm writing this her song started playing.

Anyway yea...that's where I'm at. I need the sun. I need to stand in it, bask in it. 

I'm a lesbian. 

I'm walking in the reality and it brings me such peace. 

To really know who you are and embrace that...its amazing. 

I won't let anyone take me from me.