3 more....

I'm listening to Standing in the Need of Prayer. Its such a beautiful reality but I want to get you to this point in my day.

My phone was like "Voicemail 95% Full" so I decided to delete some stuff.
Let me tell you about Apple. If you haven't deleted a voicemail its still there and when I was scrolling I saw her name.

I hesitated.

I hadn't heard her voice since July.  I had to serious ask myself "Can I handle hearing her voice?"

I decided to listen, for better or worse, I pressed play.

I have 16 seconds of her from 2012 and 2014. In 2016, this was the first time I'd heard her: the girl I love and want to be with.

And I'm okay. I really am but I'm also acutely aware of the fact that my heart doesn't hear a friend. I don't know if it ever will. I'd still choose her over any one else in the world. I know that seems crazy considering we haven't talked in almost a year but its true. I still feel about her today like I felt about her then and I know that accepting whatever type of relationship she'll offer me will tear me apart if its less than one colored by her love, devotion and fidelity.

Even if I marry someone else, she's still the one I loved first with my whole heart, the one I sought God for, prayed for, hoped for, and still believe for and that always leaves traces there.

Its in the way I treat my friends.
Its in the way I choose to speak.
Its in the way I approach every new relationship, platonic or otherwise.
There are reverberations of what I felt for her everywhere and I think, as some of my friends have pointed out, it makes me the most tender-hearted, sensitive, and thoughtful friend they've every had.

I loved a girl once who didn't love me back.
That changes you.

I'm okay hearing her voice from the past.

I'm so thankful that when I was standing in the need of prayer, when that song was the very cry of my weary heart, I knew God well enough to seek Him, believe on Him, and hope in Him.