What for Who?

Cheney posed this thought....

Would you give up what you love for who you love...?

I thought it was interesting....profound even.

Would I give up what I love, be that a thing or a job or a position, for the person I love? You know what? I've never put myself in a situation where I've had to make such a decision. Not a real one. I mean yea superficially I've let people believe I'd choose them but I think the reason I'm not in this position is because I know.

I know what I'd never give up what I love for who I love. I just wouldn't.

That reality about myself, really owning that is hard. Its hard for me to say but I think owning your truth is important. Its quite simply what's true for me. I've never loved any human more than I've loved this journey, this path. My life means so much to me...especially now. My decisions have to feed my own soul.

My truth is, yes I love you but.

The but is always there.
Unless, it'll spare your actual life, I'm will to walk away from you for the pursuit of what I love.

I don't think there will be a person I love enough to walk away for and a person who truly loves me wouldn't ask for so much.

I'm thankful I haven't been forced to choose. I thankful the people in my life haven't asked this much of me. Maybe its because they know too. They've seen me, watched me, and loved me all this time. They know that the thing I love, more than anything else, is some combination of school/academia. I wouldn't be who I am without it. I'm not even sure you'd like me if it wasn't for the way that school has shaped me.

I think the question...to ask someone to give up what they love for you is unfair. Why would you ask so much of another? Why place so much responsibility for their happiness and wellbeing on your own shoulders? I wouldn't want to be the only thing someone had left. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I also think its an ultimatum of sorts. Its a "prove you love me" moment and I don't think those are necessary. I can love you and something else. I'm much more complex than being narrowly defined or focused in one way.

But if you must make me choose.....

I wouldn't give anything for my journey.

I love you, but not more than I love me.

#ThanksAbby

She's the greatest goal scorer of all time in international football. She's given blood, sweat, and tears to the game for over a decade. Her 123' header in the quarterfinals against Brazil in the WWC 2011 got us to that final. She's had her head stapled together on the field so she could continue playing. She's carried the USWNT on her back and is the bridge between the 99ers and the 15ers. She scored the only goal, with her head, against Nigeria in the WWC 2015. She started in tandem with Mia and will end with Alex. Of her 183+ goals, over 40% came from her head and she is the best in the air to ever play the beautiful game. Her and Alex tied for the most goals in a calendar year from a forward pair in 2012. She is Abby Wambach and she's leaving the game in a better place than where she found it.

This is what I wrote on IG. These are the accolades that Abby has amassed in her 13 year career on the US Women's National Team. 

But what I want to talk about here is what she did off the field. 

Abby has mentored every single forward that has come along since she was handed the keys to the kingdom by the 99er's in 2004. 

Abby had Mia and Alex had Abby.

When Syd just got married this fall and the only USWNT player in her bridal party was Abby...in a pink suit. 

When her and Alex tied the record for the most goals in a calendar goal, what I loved about that moment was that THAT was the record that Abby was after. Abby said that's what she wanted. She wanted to do it WITH someone. Not alone. That's a team player.

Abby embodies that its not what you do, its who you do it with.

 She beat Mia's record in 2013  in a storied game against South Korea where the team fed her the ball with precision. Why? Because they love her. Because they wanted the international scoring record FOR her. Because she's given so much for so long and she's led with such grace and humility despite the prowess and skill she has on the ball. Abby became who she was because she gave so much to the team and they gave as good as they got. 

This is Abby.

Abby carried not just Pinoe, but the USWNT for years.

They rallied around her because of who she is.

After we lost the 2011 WWC, she led the team to victory in the 2012 London Olympics because she showed them that failures don't define you but fuel you to find greatness.

What does leadership look like? This. If you ever wanted to know what leadership really means on a team....

This is the moment.

Carli scored 3 goals in the final but when Abby entered the game, she passed the Captain's armband to Abby. No prompting, not realizing it had been caught on camera. This was just what felt right.

This is how you team and this is how you lead.

Abby had bled and scratched and sweated and worked tirelessly on behalf of Women's soccer and the USWNT and she deserved to finish as the Captain of our squad.

And then....Abby being Abby, passed the Captain's armband to Pearcie , who captained the team since 2008 and played for the USWNT over 300 times, for the trophy lift. 

You want to know who Abby is to the USWNT?

She's the soul of the USWNT.

Congratulations Abby on a phenomenal career. You've moved the game forward so much. Women's sport and Women's football is in a better place because of you.

Thank you!

Actual tears were shed in the writing of this post. 

2 Down

So I passed my second class on Monday.

And I managed to watch the game Sunday AND pass so that's a tremendous win!
(I'm going to have a dedicate an actual blog post to Cheney and the Abster because I've got feelings....lots of feelings.)

We started Structure and Function, better known as Gross Anatomy, yesterday.

We already have so much to do but what I love is the person teaching it.
She's a rockstar teacher.
She's reminds me of the Gold Apples at UNMC.
We clap at the end of her lectures, as a class.
That's how good she is.

Also....no more taking a week off since the last test to start studying. I started studying today. We took a test Monday. That's one day off.

In that one day, I had a dinner party with the Fram and Rhems.

The gym is calling something serious so I'm going to swing by that bad boy after Empire tonight.

Also, going hiking this weekend with some classmates....then there's the Halloween kickback that may or may not include one of my infamous cobblers.

I'm having a literal blast.

Two Ways, One Message

If you are willing to look at another person's behavior towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.
 ~Yogi Bhajan


That's not about you. That's their stuff and what they got going on. I know you. You've done the work. You're fine.
~AV


Learning this lesson was pivotal. It changed my life.
I love that she always reminds me that she knows me....knows how I think and what motivates me. I love that she's in my head like that and really sees me because I can trust her, unequivocally.
And even when I'm unsure, she always tells me I'm alright and that makes me check in with myself and discover, I sure am alright.

I'm so in love with my life right now.
So.
In.
Love.

Can I live?

I can hold more than one idea in my mind.
I can be focused and still see opportunity that's tangential.
Be diverse in my future practice is important to me.

Don't limit me because you feel limited.

I'm capable of more.
Women's health is comprehensive.
There are lots of moving parts in there and I want to be good at more than one.
I want a niche all my own. <--The PhD in me.

My education, my time, my effort are mine to spend and do with whatever I will.
I'm happy to say.....you have no control.

Back to the Edge!

Its time.
I haven't gotten ink since MLK Jr. Day this year.
I need some fresh!

I've already decided what to get and where, I just get need to decide if I'm going to get it up here or in NC. I'm thinking NC.

Yup yup.....back in the chair I go!

Hello November and hello Earth's Edge!

Inner Circle Breach

I have been blessed to be a part of many an inner circle. I have been the one people confide in, trust, and rely on. I have been both the shield and the resistance against outside commentary. 

Thus, I take a sympathetic stance to what I consider a breach in the inner circle. An accidental slip of the tongue, too much written at the bottom of an IG post combined with folks with NO business of their own has turned nothing into something quickly. 

There was no intent to share anyone's business. There was no consent to have business that the inner circle is privy to, shared with the world. That's why there was the edit. That's why things written were taken down and rewritten. 

Tell me this hasn't happened to you? You haven't said too much too soon and found yourself telling a story that wasn't yours to tell or implying more than you meant to? Its happened to me. I've both said too much and had too much said about me. 

Consider what it might feel like to have something you're not hiding but not discussing, openly debated. Here's an interesting concept: If there was a reason for you to have the information you think you have, you'd have it. You wouldn't need to speculate. 

Let people live.

Training

I train.

Actually I train a lot for a med school student. I don't know any other girl who trains in med school like I do.

Honestly, I love it.


I love valuing myself for something other than my academic ability because honestly....I'm an average med school student. I was pretty damn brilliant as a scientist but that's not the case any more. Many people around me tell me its because I don't apply myself to be a brilliant med school student and you know what....

They're right.

Yup....just enough got me that fly outfit! 

(I'm totally having portraits made of me and my wife in our doctoral gowns.....I'm that PhD)

I do enough to get by and I always have. It just so happens that enough to get by was pretty stellar in grad school(most of the time). I have and probably always will rely on my natural ability to do well academically. I put in what I consider to be pretty significant study hours but its nothing compared to my classmates. I don't belong to anyone's study group. I don't go to lecture. But I do study.....a few hours each day. I review powerpoints, make notes, and re-review powerpoints.

Me and my study blanket!

What else do I do?

I grab a run minimum. I love it. I started running (really jogging) at about 4.0 miles per hour when school started and I'm pleased to say I'm running two consecutive 4.8 miles now a days. That's a 12.5 minute mile down from a 20 minute mile. You bet your sweet ass I'm proud. But the funny thing is....

I didn't mind the work it took me to get there. I have a goal. My goal is 5 consecutive 12 minute miles. Right now I'm building to two 12 minute miles and then I'm going to start tacking on more time on the treadmill. I'm also strength training. I'm doing a few different circuits and I figured out one of my greatest weaknesses is core strength and balance. Most of my circuits revolved around fixing that problem. Improving these will improve my running. I'm also building on overall strength. I've got a goal.

And you know what?

I've got a goal with med school too. My goal is to pass. And I'm meeting it.

I'm also living my life.
I'm throwing dinner parties and spending quality time in the gym and going to church and sewing and watching soccer and going hiking.  I even went and visited the kids I use to watch in the summer the night before our last test (which was worth 50% of our grade and I passed).
I'm happy.
I'm happy with just passing.

Great Falls

The Plex

The Kids

The med school fram

Sewing: I tailored that vest down from a men's 3X to fit the F's and my height! 

Specifically, I shortened the vest by 2-3" in the shoulders, took in the sides, AND added darts!

Goal:Met is good enough for me.
Life is so amazing.
Know thyself.

Church

The long path narrows. 

Its wide enough for one.

It extends past where my eyes can see.

I still choose it....even if I walk most days alone.

Inevitably, there will be challenges.

An obstacle in my path does not change the path.

It simply changes my approach.

I love what nature shows me, about me and about God.

Welcome to my happy place, my contemplative space, and my sanctuary.

This is Great Falls Church.

Celebrating Commitment

My own personal brand of success looks significantly different than most people's I think.

My favorite goalkeeper said her biggest fear was being alone. I don't think that's true for me. I understand where she's coming from but I've been alone a long time and its not scary. I think my biggest fear would be losing that which I've committed my entire life to: my education.

I think I've learned to value what I have and what I can control. Valuing something you cannot or do not have breeds discontent and unhappiness. You can also miss what you do have pining for what you don't have. Though I deeply desire marriage, I can't control that. Instead, I focus of what I can do well without anyone else's approval or involvement.

I have historically succeeded academically (until med school where I'm just trying to pass), therefore my commitment has yielded things that mean a lot to me.  Commitment to my academics has had tangible returns in my life. Most people wear a ring on their left ring finger to symbolize commitment to another person.  I have yet to be able to convince another person that they should spend their life with me so my ring means something different.

I wear a ring on my left ring finger to symbolize commitment to intellectual discovery.  I'm a scholar. Its who I am.

If you know me you know, my PhD means a great deal to me and I have a huge ring commemorating that achievement. Now that I'm in med shcool, I can't exactly wear that under my gloves....

Welcome Qalo!

They are the makers of these super cool medical grade silicone rings that were designed for men who are commitment to sports and their marriages. Its been expanded to women and people who simply lead active lifestyles.

Thanks to them I can wear my commitment to the advancement of science and the frontiers of knowledge at all times.

Making the bed

You were living somewhere...with a roommate. Maybe doing some sort of mission, and I came to visit you. When I got there, there was just an understanding.
You were mine and that was it.
You didn't care about the other people in the room and we both got in bed, no bras or pretense and we took it slow. Nothing happened but we held hands and laughed.

We laughed like we use to.
I remember the way you played with my hand like this was so regular. I looked down at them, this small gesture, and thought wow.

We talked about taking it slow...how you wanted to wait and I said "I've waited this long for you." You looked down and away and I kissed you on your cheek.

Visitors came and we go out of bed and fixed it up. It was the way we did that...in tandem like it was our bed, like this was our regular life....that stood out to me. It was the normalness of it that struck me.

We watched TV with them and eventually we got in the car and went somewhere and as we were driving, you held my hand again...this time in public. You were finally ready.

I was working up the nerve to ask you if I could tell people when I got back to my life and before I could you said "I don't want to hide anymore." I kissed you and then I woke up from this dream.

Its amazing how the subconscious weaves a reality that it understands and desires when the consciousness isn't able to express itself. 
You...we live in my dreams. There's a we in my mind that it just won't let go of, and maybe its not supposed to.