Eat or Don't

Your pictures are tucked away
Replaced with future
Babies and toddlers
Current fixtures

You're still the one I want
The one I reference for how it should be done
How you should treat the one you love
Setting "An impossible standard" people say
but I don't see it

You're still the one I want
and still the one I don't seek you

There's something so invigorating about this
this restraint
something so humbling about going to God instead of dialing your number
There's so much in the silence
In the space on the white of the page
The so much space for feelings I want to feel
peace mainly

I love you

However
I can't have you in the most meaningful of ways
and thus I abstain

Taste and see that the Lord is Good
I tasted and saw that you were too
and I choose
starvation and abundance
because no feast of you was offered
yet the Lord gave me a seat at His table

Holy Crap!

I was sitting here reading something and it occurred to me that....

One day I'm going to have to ask the girl I love's father for his blessing before I ask her for her hand.

Like....mind blown.

I'm asking for their blessing because only she can offer her hand. She's a grown up after all.

I've always thought extensively about the proposal: the what, when, how, and $$ involved but I never thought about that fact that I'm going to have to get dressed up, take her parents out to dinner, and ask for their blessing for our union (ideally) or call them.

Its all fun and games until I've got to talk to her parents!!!

I'm gonna have to get some pointers from Phil on this one.

Demonstrate, Don't Announce

I wear the ring,
not because I think you will change,
but because I believe God can change you.
I believe God.

Its the journey He wants for me and its His will that I want for myself.

Not Promised Tomorrow

If I walk away or if I stay, I'll know I did the best I could by you. 

I gave you my best effort.

I leaned in.

I sacrificed as much as I could.

I granted you all the grace I could muster.

I left it all on the pitch.

And because of that, I know that I can walk away with no regrets.

And again....

So excited to see my team tonight! 

Safe

"Tell them my story. Maybe it helps them live theirs a little bit longer."
~Ashlyn Harris

This is why I bring it up.
This is why I talk about it.
Depression, self injury, suicide, bullying.
Sexuality, gender identity, gender expression, religion.

You can't know what you didn't give someone permission to tell you.
I endeavor to be honest so you can too.

Hey, I'm broken.
I've got things that haunt me.
I've made mistakes.
I don't want to be alone.
I'm doing the best I can and sometimes I feel like its not good enough.

That lets people know they're in a safe place to tell the truth when I say

"How are you?"

Retest

I failed a class.
A med school class.
Not but much but the amount doesn't matter at this point.
I failed.
And I'm okay with that.

By the time this is public, I'll have passed the retest.

See you on the other side.

Its the other side.
I thought I'd do the same thing I did with the MCAT but my focus wasn't there.
I couldn't study until there was nothing else to do so I studied....from 10 pm to 4 am. Even 5 sometimes during Christmas break.
I actually skipped Christmas. I took a nap and studied.

Nevertheless its done.
Its over.
I passed.


On to Neuro!

Which to wear?

I've decided not to label myself to narrowly because I think you can like a myriad of things and that doesn't sum up who you are. My guys would say that my boxer brief wearing doesn't make me less girly and I agree.

I like boxer briefs.
They're comfortable AND considerably more modest considering I'd change in a lace panty in the hall way at school and not think twice about it!

I wear them most days we have gross because I do actually change in the hallway so the more prudish girls in my class can use the bathroom.
Why people don't seem to realize that panties and bikini bottoms are the same and they let boys see them in those....I don't understand. I feel pretty darn modest personally in my super fly boxers.
I'm basically wearing shorts that go down to my knees when I take my pants off.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about having my pants off in public because
1. I was a dancer
2. If you haven't seen a naked girl by the time you get to med school something is wrong. Additionally, we are about to literally dissect another person and you're concerned about the 45 seconds during which I wasn't wearing pants? Stop!

But I love them and I've ordered enough to not ever have to wear panties again. But I also love panties so now I have a panty drawer and an Ethika drawer. :-)

So yea....I'm still my nail painting, cake baking, motherly self but I also like boxer briefs and snap backs.

Here in 2016, I'm just doing what feels good.


And these...these make me feel good.
And yes...I do have this pair! They're so badass!