In the Wilderness

Wilderness experiences are undesirable spaces we don't want to be in but are inevitable.

At any give time you're either in one, on your way out of the wilderness, or on your way into it.

Biblically, David faced a myriad of wilderness situations. A wilderness can occur both externally or internally. Some would argue that when he had Bathsheba's husband killed, he was in an internal wilderness but I want to talk about external wilderness experiences.

Pastor Coates preached that David found himself in a very difficult situation in Psalm 63. A member of his own family had turned against him and wanted to overthrow him.

12 Psalms are believed to have been written while David was in the wilderness, hiding to save his life. What we know though is that David continued to worship.

Here are Pastor's key points about worshiping in the wilderness

1. Your worship must be personal

O God, You are my God, earnestly will I seek You; my inner self thirsts for You, my flesh longs and is faint for You, in a dry and weary land where no water is.

Its got to be intimate for you. Worship begins with personal relationship. Over and over David refers to God as my God. David knows God and because He knows God, who He is, what He is, what He's done and will do through and for us, David is able to turn his wilderness into a sanctuary.


What but Pastor and I've found is that when things are dark and lonely,  things that satisfy my flesh won't satisfy my soul. I have a much deeper thirst and hunger for the Spirit and nothing physical can fill that place.

Nothing in my life can take the place of worship. I love worship because I get to lose myself in who He is. I get to empty myself, even just for a moment of the chaos of the world and focus on the peace of the Father. Water is often used as a euphemism for worship. It also takes up a whole lot of my time. I just don't have time to be worried or anxious or any of these things because I fill idle time with worship and thus its not idle at all!

So I have looked upon You in the sanctuary to see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your loving-kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You.

So will I bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My whole being shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips

What David knows is that He's worshipped in the sanctuary but that where the Spirit is, there is always worship and God being omnipresent means that anywhere can be the sanctuary. God's power and His presence are in all places. God's power isn't only found in the comfortable but in the difficult. Can you worship God when it isn't easy?

This is a legitimate question. Can you? I have and can but it isn't always easy. What I love about God is that He's always there and He's never requiring you to make it on your own. Father I need you to help me worship in the middle of this situation <----a prayer God's answered in my life many times. I may not have said it like this but my heart knows these words. Learning to worship in the midst of a wilderness situation tests your resolve and your character and your relationship. When I think about who I am, I know that the wilderness situations where spaces of growth. I had to know that I know that I knew yesterday that I'll know tomorrow that Jesus is for me and not against me. And that wasn't an easy place to grow to but what I've found is that you can look back at your life and see how He's saved you for situations or experiences that would have broken you. I'm looked at things and said "THANK GOD He didn't answer that prayer because I would have been crushed in that situation. There is not WAY I could have walked through that!"  The more things I go through with Him, the more I know that I know Him. Its almost like the wilderness is a check in like "Yup, me and You are still good. I'm still submitted and surrendered and open to You God." The wildernesses of my life have cultivated my worship and my relationship. 

2. Your will worship God when your relationship is personal and you are able to remember what God has done in your life. 

 When I remember You upon my bed and meditate on You in the night watches.

 For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings will I rejoice.

Pastor Coates said that Because we remember what God has done, we can praise Him despite our current situation. One of my new favorite things to say is that God is consistently consistent. He is who He says he is. The same God who eventually brought David out of His wilderness will also bring me out of mine. It wasn't that David didn't know where He was but He remember exactly who God is. God's steadfast love was the soundtrack of David's life. Its also the soundtrack of mine. God demonstrates covenant faithfulness. God continued to be faithful despite David's sin.  What I also find interesting here is the idea of steadfastness. God's unchanging characteristics are where I find peace. I know Him. I know who He is and what He thinks of me and even if I don't know exactly what He will do I know it will be the best for me. What I know is that His grace is also at work in my life because I am also sinful. Just like David, I fall short all the time and I know mercy is at work overtime in my life. There are battles and situations I've made it out of that others haven't and the remembrance of how God made away when there was no clear path leads me to worship. 

When David starts thinking of the goodness of God, he had joy on the inside despite this environment. The wilderness didn't change but David did.  If we think of a storm, where is the safest place to be? The eye. The eye of the storm is the position you can inhabit if you can have joy from the inside out and thus peace from the inside out. What I love about this is that I know this place. I know what its like to be in the middle of crazy and have peace. That place requires such intimacy with God that I know I can't just say to people...."Well seek Him and you'll have peace." No ma'am, you've got to do the work but I promise it'll be worth it. Nothing I've ever done in pursuit of Christ has been for nothing. 

Another important point Pastor Coates made was that just because you can't see something, that doesn't mean it isn't there. Faith is by its very definition, evidence of things you can't see naturally.

For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],

This is what the Bible says about the wilderness. Yea.....let's get into it. 

The wilderness is temporary. This is a season. Trials pass. Now the harder concept here is the part about how its light. Obviously, things that are considered light are easy to handle. Can I offer that this hasn't always been true for me but the more I dig into my relationship, the more I invest in it and the more I draw to Jesus, the less I have to carry and the more He willingly shoulders my burdens? Its true. Its so true. 

I can worship God because the wilderness is working for me. The eternal weight of glory can't be measured. If you're going through something, God is working AND He's going to get the glory. 

This is also a place I've been. I'm there currently in some areas of my life. God is doing something and I'm just trusting Him to do it. Being in a wilderness doesn't have to feel crazy. Mine doesn't because I'm seeking Him constantly about direction. When He says "stand still and know that I am who I am and I'll do what I said I'd do" <---Instructions. And when I need Him to tell me something He sends me scriptures about reaping harvests after many days.  When I think back on some of the wilderness experiences I've had I know that sometimes the whole testimony I have is "I'm still here."

3. When you learn to rest in What God is about to do, you can worship in the wilderness.

My whole being follows hard after You and clings closely to You; Your right hand upholds me.

9 But those who seek and demand my life to ruin and destroy it shall [themselves be destroyed and] go into the lower parts of the earth [into the underworld of the dead].

10 They shall be given over to the power of the sword; they shall be a prey for foxes andjackals.

11 But the king shall rejoice in God; everyone who swears by Him [that is, who binds himself by God’s authority, acknowledging His supremacy, and devoting himself to His glory and service alone; every such one] shall glory, for the mouths of those who speak lies shall be stopped.

leaWhen the Bible references the right hand of God, they're talking about power. God's right hand is the hand of power. 

In Exodus 15:6 it says the right hand of the Lord is glorious in power and shatters the enemy.
In Isaiah 48:13 it says My right hand has spread out the heavens.
In Psalm 17:7 God saves by His right hand those who trust and take refuge in Him.
In Psalm 98:1 God's right hand andHis holy arm have wrought salvation.
In Psalm 138:7 God's right hand saves.
In Psalm 18:35 God's right hand upholds.

In Psalm 139:10 God's right hand holds.

God's got it. He's going to be up all night anyway. Why should I be up when God has never and will never need any help from me to accomplish His will? Yea...I rest easy. 

Fingers and Lips

I want to feel the wet slickness of you
copious and feminine
coating my fingers
as they slip between your folds

I want to taste you
grounded and free
undulating for deeper penetration
mouth to wetness
head swimming between thighs

Sometimes I move my fingers as if remembers
Often times I move my mouth as if tasting
My mind
filling in the gaps of things
I will one day know

Days

I've had some good days
And I've had some bad days
But I
I won't complain

Through Pain, Perfected Faith

My boys say I'm all sunshine and rainbows.

I saw I want to walk in my truth.

Yesterday, I told my boss that I like girls. I actually talked to my boss a lot... like 3 hours. She said she kind of figured that out already based on some of the work I told her I'd been involved in diversity wise. Anyway it was a really good conversation. Her kids already know about gay people, they have books about gay families, and when I was on my phone the 4 year old came over and looked at it, I told her that two of my female friends were married to each other and she didn't bat an eye. I love that about kids. 

I also love that my job is one where I can show up exactly as who I am without anyone backlash. Some people say Black people aren't open but I say "that's not my experience."

Anyway....yea I have warm fuzzies about my life and my job. Love wins. 

II Corinthians 7:1

Therefore, since these [great] promises are ours, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that contaminates and defiles body and spirit, and bring [our] consecration to completeness in the [reverential] fear of God

God has made some great promises to you. Much like the US says in the constitution, which didn't apply to my people initially, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are guaranteed. The Bible makes much bigger promises about God's thoughts towards us, His plans for us, about life after death if you belong to Him, about who God is and what He's capable of on our behalf. My God has promised so much to be from being my strong tower and my refuge, the lover of my soul, my companion and my friend, my Savior and my Redeemer, my Way Maker and Sustainer. The promises of the Lord from the Word are endless and I think there's something vital about reading them for ourselves. I've come to know Him more deeply because I read the Word the in John 1:1 it says "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." If you want to know the character of God...its right here for you. 

I've also believed God for some personal promises He's made to me and confirmed through His Word to me. I think in both situations, its important to that my life reflect the promises God has made to me. Things that aren't of God can't persist in my life and its hard for me to let them. It just makes me uncomfortable. I think that's God in me moving me closer to Him by moving me away from things that aren't Him. I also see that its my responsibility to be prepared to walk into what God has for me and that means I've got work to do. The Bible is saying "cleanse ourselves."  That means I've got to do my part. Yes, the Spirit convicts me but I've got to actually walk away from the things that aren't good for me and be ready to receive the things He's promised.

II Corinthians 7:4

 I have great boldness and free and fearless confidence and cheerful courage toward you; my pride in you is great. I am filled [brimful] with the comfort [of it]; with all our tribulation and in spite of it, [I am filled with comfort] I am overflowing with joy.

Jesus is the source of my joy. Even when its hard, even when its trying and arduous and difficult and maddening, I still have joy. My relationship with God keeps me and sustains me in so many way and so many storms. When I think about the boldness with which I've approached God, I know that that is only made possible by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I know that the Blood covers me and makes me right for relationship with God and through that relationship I am made whole and perfect. My confidence is God comes from the fact that I know that no matter what, His will for me is His best for me AND I've seen Him change the thing I was ambivalent about in my own mind to my heart's desire. I know God to be a game changer.

II Corinthians 7:6

 But God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed and the sinking, comforted and encouraged and refreshed and cheered us by the arrival of Titus.

I know Him like this. As a comforter, an encourager, a refresher, a cheerleader. I know Him. He is my God.

II Corinthians 7:9-10

Yet I am glad now, not because you were pained, but because you were pained into repentance [and so turned back to God]; for you felt a grief such as God meant you to feel, so that in nothing you might suffer loss through us or harm for what we did.

For godly grief and the pain God is permitted to direct, produce a repentance that leads and contributes to salvation and deliverance from evil, and it never brings regret; but worldly grief (the hopeless sorrow that is characteristic of the pagan world) is deadly [breeding and ending in death].

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been pained into repenting? Have you ever tried something that smooth clear didn't work and you had to turn right back to Jesus and get it together? 

I have. I have on many occasions. What I love about trying to walk away from God or out of His will is that the consequences of doing so get harder and harder the farther you go and I haven't stayed out there long. It was so hard but it was good for me. It corrected me. It helped me walk an even narrower path. The pain of being without Him is so tremendous that its forced me to stick close. My faith and my ability to seek Him and find Him and consult Him are a direct result of having tried it on my own, getting hurt, and coming back to my refuge and my defense.

Pain has, in many ways, helped my relationship with God. He is, after all, the master Physician.

Marriage

The country that has had to make amends to my people over and over again has now made another thing right.

The long arc of history does, in fact, bend towards justice. 

One day, the girl I've love so very long will say yes to my proposal and become my bride.
I'll watch her walk down the aisle and join together with me into a sacred covenant and union blessed by God and honored by my government. I'll put up picture of that day on my desk without fear of losing my job or the respect of my colleagues. When she gets pregnant, everyone will celebrate and no one will question if the babies she carried are mine or if the babies I carried are hers. They're our children, born into our union and entrusted to us by God. I'll become Dean of Medicine, probably because my wife makes me a better person and this a better leader, clinician, and teacher.
One day.

Thoughts To Prosper You

This song, "Amazing," has just dug into me. I listen to it over and over again and every time I find myself throwing my head back at different parts, eyes closed in worship. He's so amazing.

We stand
in awe of you
Amazed
at the things you do
You're Holy
Worthy is the Lamb
who was slain
for me

II Corinthians 6: 4

But we commend ourselves in every way as [true] servants of God: through great endurance, in tribulation and suffering, in hardships and privations, in sore straits and calamities,

What I know about being a Christian is that this title doesn't confer upon me ease. Actually being a Christian is far from easy. If Paul's life is any indication of what happens when you follow Christ, your life doesn't get simpler when you devote it to Jesus. My life is complicated by my relationship with God. There so much more I have to contend with due to the fact that I've chosen to follow Him. I'm aware of the fact that things often what they seem to be. I don't get to exist with blinders on.  I see God in all things....and can I tell you its hard to see Him when its not marshmallows and peanut butter M&Ms? When I'm struggling, when I'm weary and weak and downtrodden and suffering...its hard to know that things my God could remove from my situation aren't going to be removed because they either 1. help achieve His purpose in my life, 2. make me a better person, or 3. bring Him glory. You know what I also know? I've never had it better than when I've followed Him because even in the middle of my storm, He keeps me. The more I trust Him, the stiller I become despite the chaos outside me. I think of being with God like being in the eye of the storm. Its not that there isn't a storm or destruction, even to me and my physical bodie and the things I love, but there's nothing but peace in my spirit. 

II Corinthians 6:6-7

By innocence and purity, knowledge and spiritual insight, longsuffering and patience, kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in unfeigned love;

7 By [speaking] the word of truth, in the power of God, with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand [to attack] and for the left hand [to defend];

Purity and clarity of intention are so important in my relationship. On more than one occasion, God has challenged me on whether or not the direction I'm praying in or moving in the the best one or has His highest purpose behind it. You know how you know something isn't wrong or even is an area that needs work but its not the most pressing? Sort of like how if your walls need to be painted and your foundation is cracking, you need a structural engineer more than you need a painter? Yea that's what I'm talking about. What I love about the Word here is the idea that knowledge and spiritual insight aren't left at the door in my faith. Many people ask how I can be a person of faith and of science and I say "I'm fairly smart and I know a whole lot BUT I also know exactly how much I don't know which is most of everything so I'm going to go ahead and believe there is a higher being cause logically, that's the only way."

I think longsuffering is such an interesting concept because suffering doesn't have to look like what you think it looks like. Suffering can look like joy because if you suffer for your faith, there's purpose there. I'm not saying by any means that all suffering has meaning or can have joy. I'm saying that joy is a choice in the face of suffering. I'm saying that knowing you're exactly where you're supposed to be, even if its hard, can be a happy. I do not like the city. I do NOT. But I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I can't help but have joy....and patiently wait for my house on a 1/2 acre and my 8+ acre mountain vacation home. :-)

You know....when I think about the way being intimate with Jesus affects my life I think about how truth permeates corners of my life where it never was. I think about how my ideas and thought processes have changed as a result of His presence. The more places I let Him come into, the more truth there is in my life and the more truth I have the more love I have. I know that's a strange concept but hear me out. The truth about who I am and what God's called me to is His best for me. It is literally what He made and He only produces what is in Him: goodness, love, kindness, tenderheartedness, compassion, empathy, consideration. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am His Beloved. Those place in me that allow who God is to shine through me...that's what letting God permeate my life has done for me and that's love. Its warm and gooey. Being able to know He made me, died for me, and wants relationship with me....thats sacrificial love.  

II Corinthians 6:10

As grieved and mourning, yet [we are] always rejoicing; as poor [ourselves, yet] bestowing riches on many; as having nothing, and [yet in reality] possessing all things

Whatever I've thought God was doing, He wasn't. In time when I was mourning, I should have been rejoicing because what He was actually doing was for my good. I think sometimes we get so stuck in what we want that we forget that what we want might not be His best for us. I have to remind myself of that all the time. It was an interesting faith walk to be praying for a job and considering lying to people to get one and then I got an awesome one that didn't require me to lie PLUS I love my boss. I had to wait though...over a month for this opportunity. What was different this time was that even though I was considering doing something that clearly disturbed me (lying), He had the how already worked out and my job is so awesome. Like really really awesome.  

What He's told me He's going to do, He's done each and every time in my life. What He's told me was His will for me, has come to pass. Trust...

II Corinthians 6:14,16

 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers [do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with them, inconsistent with your faith]. For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness?

What agreement [can there be between] a temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God; even as God said, I will dwell in and with and among them and will walk in and with and among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.

A long time ago, when I was first coming into the reality of who God made me to be, we were talking. The we here is me and God, and I said to God "I don't ever want to physically intimate with my wife until I know for a fact that she doesn't believe what we are doing is sinful. At no point in my relationship do I want to do anything that leads another person to sin. I want her to know this is worship, from the very first time to the last." The idea of a being in partnership where she believes God is frowning upon our lives and I believe He's blessing them is not something I can live under. I can't abide that. The God in me won't let me. 

I'm constantly around people who don't believe like I believe and that's fine but to be tied to someone who doesn't believe what I believe wouldn't be possible.  There's a certain level of openness to God that I operate in that can't exist in all spaces. As an active participant in my relationship with God, it is my literal responsibility to hold the space. Its not that I can't be tied to someone like that, but I know better. The people around me who love me and know me spiritually, wouldn't let me do such a thing. They know better too. 

I am the living temple of my Holy God. I am His Beloved and He is mine. He lives in me. I live under grace. His unmerited favor is the fabric of my life. The truth is, even if I tied my life in some capacity to someone who didn't believe as I do, celibacy would continue until the light that shines into my life and through me lit up the darkness in them. Light always drives out darkness. Always.

II Corinthians 6:17

So, come out from among [unbelievers], and separate (sever) yourselves from them, says the Lord, and touch not [any] unclean thing; then I will receive you kindly and treat you with favor, 

So I'd been praying about something and I really felt like this verse spoke directly to that. I love that about my God. My God always talks to me in fasting....fasting has been a way of life for me for a long time. What I also love is that I asked another question and got taken to the last verse of a chapter of Isaiah....they don't contradict but work in perfect harmony. He is with me. I love Him.

A Way Out of No Way

Yesterday, I had my first meeting with the head of all technical production at my new church.
They're bringing me on as a lighting designer.

Let me tell you about my God.
The plan my last church had that phased me out of leadership because I love women is NOT what God has for. I walked right into my new church, told them who I am, showed them the skills that I learned at my last church, and got full privileges to their lighting board immediately. And my new church has 20 movers. Talk about the upgrade!

What I love about God is that He's got a plan. I spent so much time getting to know the lighting system and being in charge of it at my last church. When they declined to move me into leadership because I'm gay I thought that I'd only be able to lead the way I want to if I kept my life a secret. I essentially thought once I became serious I'd have to step down which is why finding an open and affirming church was so important to me. What I see now is that that was a training ground for what God was actually going to bring me into.

In this initial meeting, I said out right what happened at my last church and the Head of TP was like "That's not what we're about. Pastor Coates is very progressive." I know that to be true. I love sitting in church and knowing I'm not going to be condemned for loving the way I love because my Pastor agrees with my God that I'm His perfect creation. It makes me so happy to serve in a church I know I can get married in. I can bring my whole self and that's respected at Mt. Ennon.

I'm working with over twice as many movers, a massive sanctuary, and a church that loves me for who I am. You're amazing God.

Of course my first design was purple :-)

II Corinthians 5:4-5

For while we are still in this tent, we groan under the burden and sigh deeply (weighed down, depressed, oppressed)—not that we want to put off the body (the clothing of the spirit), but rather that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal (our dying body) may be swallowed up by life [[a]after the resurrection]

Now He Who has fashioned us [preparing and making us fit] for this very thing is God, Who also has given us the [Holy] Spirit as a guarantee [of the fulfillment of His promise].

I have for a long time loved the hymns sung at funerals. Precious Lord is my favorite followed closing by I'll Fly away. I have from a very young age had a keen sense of the fact that this was temporary. People who knew me in college knew I was like "Hey Jesus, whenever you wanna come get me, I'm ready." I've always been kind of in a hurry to put off mortality for immortality. This wasn't a morbid thing but I was just always ready because nothing was that awesome to me on earth. Then I fell in love for real and I was like ..... "Yea I'll stay awhile" but I digress. Having that level of assurance of what God has on the other side of Jordan is innate for me. I realize that isn't the case for everyone. What I love about reading the Bible is the God repeatedly tells you the truth. Over and over again, God says the same things through different people in different time periods so you can see He's consistently consistent.

Paul is talking about the burden of mortality but He's also talking about how much greater immortality will be not because of power but because of humility. Paul is talking about how he can't wait to spend his time worshiping God in spirit and in truth. The most amazing experiences of my life have generally taken place in churches or in relationship to God. I get it. Its why I've always wanted to go.....because there's no place like worship. God has made us with a mindset towards our eternal home. I've never thought of the Holy Spirit as a guarantee but I know it keeps me in check. When I'm off kilter, its right there. When I think of the blessed assurance I've lived with for so long, that I've sought refuge in and hope on for most of my life, I know this thing me and Jesus are doing is special. Can I offer that if you chase after Him, He can be the same for you as He is for me? He wants to be.... 

II Corinthians 5:7

For we walk by faith [we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man’s relationship to God and divine things, with trust and holy fervor; thus we walk] not by sight or appearance.

 This verse defines my life. There are so many things I'm believing God for, trust Him for, hoping in Him for. The Bible talks a lot about faith but one of the things I have to keep in mind is that when I'm walking by faith, I'm closer to Him than I am when I'm walking by sight. When I compare my plan for last year to what God actually did.... that was a huge test of walking by faith.  I had it all worked out in my head in regards to my emotions and my academics and neither of those things turned out the way I thought they would but the Bible also says "His thoughts are higher than my thoughts" and "His plan is to prosper me." Even the level of faith I've entered into lately is kind of blowing my mind because I have so much peace about it. When He grows me to a new place...I'm always awestruck because I know it isn't me. I know me and me would be stressed. Me no stressed...me and God amazing.
This verse is in some ways peculiar because there is so much evidence of who God is in the scripture. The leap is believing God can do that for us. I haven't always believed this. I didn't feel worthy at all. I felt much more like a pawn that God was moving around to do His will but I didn't think He cared about what I want. That was a short sighted and frankly wrong viewpoint on God. The Bible is very clear about how God feels about us but the flesh gets in the way. I couldn't see myself as worthy of having the things I wanted so I couldn't see how God could want those things for me. I also spent a long time trying to get out of a very difficult emotional situation with my parents and marriage had always been presented as an escape route. I wanted to be married to get away but what God did instead was move me around the country...a much better idea than failing to honor the sanctity of marriage. And you know what....now that I think about the marriage He's put on my heart, I know His plan of moving from place to place was a far better plan than my own. Marriage is holy and I'm believing God to do something extra special in mine.
What I love about God's plan is that its so much better than our own. My plan would have destroyed me emotionally....His plan makes me whole.

II Corinthians 5:9-10

Therefore, whether we are at home or away from home, we are constantly ambitious and strive earnestly to be pleasing to Him.

10 For we must all appear and be revealed as we are before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive [his pay] according to what he has done in the body, whether good or evil [considering what his purpose and motive have been, and what he has achieved, been busy with, and given himself and his attention to accomplishing]  

I want to make God smile. I want God to look at my life and what I've done with it and be pleased. I'm living my whole life to hear Him say well done. Now I know that's mighty ambitious however I know that God in me will help me get there.
Salvation comes by faith alone but it still matters what I do down here. I've always known about having to give an account of what I've done. I try and live my life as though I know that though I slip up each and every day. Grace is the only way I can appear before my God with any type of logic. Grace continues to be so vital to my relationship with God and it always will be.
What I've also learned is that my why matters. Motivation matters to God because motivation is a heart issue. I want my intentions to be upright and moral and just because they demonstrate my relationship with Him to others and they strengthen my connection to Him. God is interested in my heart in all things. What I've found is that the more I know Him, the more guarded I feel. This isn't a result of being cut off from people or not needing them but being ushered into unspeakable joy and unconditional acceptance. I know that I know I can get on my knees and find Love there. A wellspring of Love is found in His presence. As a result, I've found myself more able to exemplify His characteristics over my own. God changes my motivations and make my heart pure. Its this circle of seeking Him, being changed by Him, going out and doing better, coming back to Him...its the sweetest thing.

II Corinthians 5:14-15

For the love of Christ controls and urges and impels us, because we are of the opinion and conviction that [if] One died for all, then all died;

15 And He died for all, so that all those who live might live no longer to and for themselves, but to and for Him Who died and was raised again for their sake.

Y'all know how I talk about how somethings hurt me just to think about? This verse is about that. What I know about God is that His holiness can't exist around unrighteousness. Its just not possible. Fresh water and salt water can't come from the same place or exist in the same place. The more I let God handle things or show me how to exist in the world, the less I'm able to do whatever I want. I have a level of conviction that is almost immediate sometimes. There are things I just know I'm not supposed to do. There are places I'm not supposed to be. There are spaces within me I'm not supposed to allow anyone to explore. There's the continuous situation of dying to the desires of my flesh that doesn't quite feel like dying. I'm celibate and its not easy but it makes other areas of my life easier and its a sacrifice I give to my God. I'm always fasting and praying about something and that isn't always what I want to do, but I've found that the more I let God control my actions as opposed to my feelings the better everything. Never let your feelings control your feet<---revolutionized my life!

I see my life as a living sacrifice, not because its painful or especially arduous but because I give up certain things so that my relationship with God can grow. I want a deep, broad, all areas infiltrated relationship with God. He died that I might live and live in Him. That's a sacrifice He made before I made any steps towards Him. That's what God's love looks like. I'll die for you just so you can have the opportunity to choose me? Yea....that's someone I can follow without reservation.

II Corinthians 5: 17

Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!

We Christians talk about this all the time...but do we believe it? How many times do we say people can't change or won't change? This maybe trust in certain situations but I know that when God gets into it with them, and move in their lives, that change is going to come. Maybe folks won't change because you want them to but they will change if that's God's will for them.

I think there's levels. The more I get to know Him, the more He transforms me. I feel like I'm becoming a new person all the time.  I do things I'd never dream of doing a year ago. Seems new to me!

II Corinthians 5: 18-19

But all things are from God, Who through Jesus Christ reconciled us to Himself [received us into favor, brought us into harmony with Himself] and gave to us the ministry of reconciliation [that by word and deed we might aim to bring others into harmony with Him].

19 It was God [personally present] in Christ, reconciling and restoring the world to favor with Himself, not counting up and holding against [men] their trespasses [but canceling them], and committing to us the message of reconciliation (of the restoration to favor).

So God, through Jesus, made a way for us to be in relationship with Him. It what God Himself who didn't hold against us our humanity, but made a way for our sinful butts to be in relationship with Him and be with Him in glory. If you don't have a shout in your spirit about this I don't know what to say! Okay yes I do.

You've got to believe the cross. The cross was and is for you. Your sin tab was taken care of once and for all. The work of the cross is finished. Whatever you've done or will do is paid for by the precious Blood of Jesus. The idea that you can earn salvation insults God and it thinks way too highly of you. I know I can't do anything to be worthy of His shadow....and neither can you. Let's just settle that. There is no service you can do for the Creator of all things that will make you in any way, shape, or form acceptable. It also insults God because it says His sacrifice on the cross was for nothing, when in fact it was for everything. 

God is always making a way for us if we will take it. What I love about taking God's hand and letting Him drive the tandem bicycle of my life is that I'm not in control and I can trust Him to take me exactly where I need to go when I need to be there doing what I need to do. If He died for me, if I'm that precious to Him, He's not going to let me go. He's not letting me go astray...He's made the ultimate investment in me. He's going no where.

II Corinthians 5:21

For our sake He made Christ [virtually] to be sin Who knew no sin, so that in and through Him we might become [endued with, viewed as being in, and examples of] the righteousness of God [what we ought to be, approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him, by His goodness]

 This is it. God made a way...I'm taking it! 

Dance Before the Lord...with AC

When I started praising the Lord to this song, I had on sweats and a tee shirt and the air was off.

The air is on.

I'm wearing a bra and panties.

I've literally worshipped my way out of my clothes.

He's amazing....and He's worthy!

Perpetually

You're amazing
You're amazing
You're amazing
So amazing

You're amazing
You're amazing
You're amazing
So amazing

You caused the sun
The sun and moon to shine
I'm so glad you're mine
Oh I'm glad to say you're mine

You're amazing

In Every Season, You Are Still God

This morning I listened to I Am What You See....
I love this song...it got me through some dark days but today I listened to it because sometimes we need a reminder of who we are even if we know. Sometimes its just nice to remind myself of who God says I am despite what my family says I am.

I am a fundamentally different person. I'm an individual. My individuality isn't something that is loved by all. I'll say this....

 I fought too hard to become who I am to let anyone who doesn't love me unconditionally influence who I am.

What I love about God is that He does love me unconditionally. He is perpetually demonstrating that.  I can trust Him. Whatever He's requiring of me is for my good. Whatever He gives me is His best for me. What He takes from me I don't need because He will supply all I actually need. When I have to wait on Him, it builds my faith.  I haven't always been able to see that but the more I know Him, the clearer that has become in my life. Last night I was on the phone with JT and I told him you know I burst into tears on the field at Hampton because when I graduated I was finally free.  I knew I was moving far far away and many of the issues I had were going away.
I weeped because I was free.
My freedom is precious to me. I paid for it dearly with my self esteem, my self image, my self respect, and my dignity. I'm keeping it and I'll fight you for it.

II Corinthians 4:1

Therefore, since we do hold and engage in this ministry by the mercy of God [granting us favor, benefits, opportunities, and especially salvation], we do not get discouraged (spiritless and despondent with fear) or become faint with weariness and exhaustion.

So I'm not generally weary in my writing. Writing is my ministry at this time. I actually really enjoy it. I come here and fix my spirit so I can face the day with some level of dignity and respect for the gift of the present. I realize this is a particularly academic type of exercise for devotional and that in and of itself is a blessing. Have you ever looked around and realized that God ministers to you in the way you need Him to? He does that with me. I need to think. I need cerebral involvement in my faith. He constantly does things that blow my mind but writing is about recalling who God is to the forefront of my consciousness on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for the ability to think, much less write coherently. I can't imagine how different my growth in Him would have been without this ability. I need to be more grateful for the ability to write...especially since I use it on and off line every day!

II Corinthians 4:2

We have renounced disgraceful ways (secret thoughts, feelings, desires and underhandedness, the methods and arts that men hide through shame); we refuse to deal craftily (to practice trickery and cunning) or to adulterate or handle dishonestly the Word of God, but we state the truth openly (clearly and candidly). And so we commend ourselves in the sight and presence of God to every man’s conscience.

The Word is clean.
Its true.
 I'm not real sure how you could dishonestly handle the Word nowadays but during chattel slavery in the South, White slave masters did just this. They lied to the slaves about what the Bible said and then claimed that they were only following their religion which beat, killed, raped, and brutalized my ancestors. Just 150 years ago, my religion, that on which I lean and find refuge and hope and love in, was used in this manner. The God I know of love and charity, was lied on by White slave owners. I hope God had mercy on them for their misuse of His Word but since He is the Word and they lied on Him.....I don't know....

And now that I think about it the Word is mishandled all the time now. The Christian right uses it in ways that make no sense. The Charleston Massacre wasn't an attack on religious freedom....it was an attack on Black people. The terrorist said so himself. This isn't about Jesus, its about Black skin. Your logic won't hold. The Christian right also mishandles the Word when they use it to judge and condemn those who aren't like them. When I think about the ways in which my fellow SGL folks have been made to feel bad about themselves and the way they love by people claiming to represent the Source of Love? Nope. I refuse to swallow that foolishness because I know Him for myself.

When I think about how I talk about God and who He is for me, in me, and through me, I pray that I'm being as candid as possible. I endeavor to tell the truth all the time. Sometimes I think I tell too much of it because it hurts me but I know when I got back to the refuge of my relationship, I'll have been upright. I wonder what would happen if more people told the complete truth? I know I get in trouble for it and sometimes I get crushed by other people for my truth but I'm playing the long game and that is to hear "Well Done."

II Corinthians 4:7

However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.

Listen...the flesh is weak. I'm so unable. I'm not worthy or good or decent or kind or loving or dependable or any of that. I know me. Me isn't awesome sauce. The Spirit makes me new and makes me the kind of person anyone wants to be around. When I think about the truth of the Gospel and what it means I know I have to share it. I know my life has to reflect this relationship and when I've let it...truly let it things that have blown my mind have happened. People ave cried at the confocal talking to me about missing their Dad who died many years ago when they are virtually a stranger. My best friend in grad school got saved, baptized, and married to Christian. A girl I barely knew called me when both her parents died. There is no way these things happened because of me but because of what lives in me. I've been able to effectively speak into lives through diversity work...the things I've been able to do because I let Him increase and me decrease are incredible. It's always God....God is.
Even through someone like me, God is.

II Corinthians 4:9

We are pursued (persecuted and hard driven), but not deserted [to stand alone]; we are struck down to the ground, but never struck out and destroyed;

Come on BIBLE!!!!! Paul was literally pursued in his day. Even today Christianity isn't a cake walk. That's one of the thing I think is often confusing about being a Christian. I use to be confused about it myself. If I believe, where's my easy life? Ummmm yea no.
So there's this thing called the Argument of Theodicy. Its basic questions are as follows:
If God is willing to prevent evil and doesn't, how can we believe God is good?
If God is willing to prevent evil but doesn't possess the ability to, how can He be all powerful?
If God isn't good and all powerful, is He God?

What I'd like to offer is that God is good and capable and willing, but what He does is based on what's best for you not what you THINK is best for you. That's a hard truth. The idea that something you can't see as less than His best is in fact less and He won't have it?!?!? Its a rough concept that the thing that's best for me isn't the thing I think is best for me. Especially if you've worked it all out in your head? Girl....I've been there. God was like "naw girl, that ain't the way that's going to work." Now could He have done what I asked? Yes.
Did He? No
Why? It wasn't His best for me.
I've come to a place where there's enough evidence that the things He didn't allow wouldn't have been good for me, that I trust Him when He says no. If He's saying no its for a reason. Also...if He's says yes, its for a reason. Even when I don't want to do something, there's purpose behind it and I'm willing. Also...even in the most devastating of situations...He's with me. I've had to learn to rest in His presence until the storm is over. His presence is enough for me now. It wasn't always but I'm so glad it is now.

II Corinthians 4:11-12

For we who live are constantly [experiencing] being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake, that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be evidenced through our flesh which is liable to death.

Thus death is actively at work in us, but [it is in order that our] life [may be actively at work] in you

For a second, I'd like to talk about the idea of being handed over to death for Jesus sake. This phrasing reminds me of the ways in which I have to let the things that are of the flesh go and the things that are of God stay. Jesus simply shed His flesh on the cross. He rose again as the Son of God. That has to be a part of my life as well. The more I've let go of in the flesh, the clearer my conversations with God have been. More than that, I can hear Him more clearly. I'm more open to the Spirit the farther away from the flesh I get. Its hard....but its been so worth it especially when I really was without direction and I needed instruction on each and every step to take. I still need that kind of instruction sometimes.
He's faithful.
Be ye not deceived by what a life looks like on the outside. You never know what a person is walking through or dealing with. You also never know what joy they have either. My life looks pretty boring. I watch children, I write, scrapbook, I go to church, I go to the grocery store, and I watch mountains of TV.
I LOVE MY LIFE! God is doing some amazing stuff in my season of boring.
One day the fruits of this time spend devoted to His Word and mediation on it will be ripe and ready to eat. I love that what I sow into myself and into my faith, will bring forth a harvest that I might not have room enough to receive it. That's who my God is. He's about abundance and plenty.

II Corinthians 4:13

Yet we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, I have believed, and therefore have I spoken. We too believe, and therefore we speak,

If you ever wonder why I am the way I am...its right here. I'm bold about the things I know from God because the same Spirit that is God lives in me. When the Spirit in me and the Bible, which is God, agree that's the game. I believe, therefore I speak.

Its not magical. Its just me and God doing our thing. What's different about me and God now is that I can not only hear Him better but I trust Him more. Can I tell you the more I've trusted Him, the more He's proven that He's trustworthy? He has.

II Corinthians 4:17

For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!]

So I'm currently listening to a song about how Nothing else matters...hears the chorus.

Nothing else matters
But seeking you Jesus
Seeking the master
The one reigns over my life
Nothing else matters
But seeking you Jesus
Just to sit at Your feet
hear Your voice clearly speak
lifts me out of defeat
for in You I'm complete
reminds me
Nothing else
Nothing else matters

When I think about the things I've carried, the weights I've been under, the yoke of my life I can tell you that I don't always feel like its a might momentary affliction. I know many wouldn't say it is. Seasons pass but they don't always feel like they will. I've wanted to check out a season before because I couldn't see my way out of it but the nature of seasons is that they come and go. That's a fact. This brings me back to feelings and feet. My feelings can't control my feet because if they did, this blog wouldn't exist and neither would I. When I was going through, God was working on my behalf in ways I couldn't see. Part of my testimony, that I don't often share, is that I'm still here.

The scripture is being written by a man whose life was good before Jesus and now he is constantly persecuted for his faith. He's in and out of jail...constantly living under the threat of death. This is a man who knows adversity but he's say that his burden is light! I've got faith like that on good days. On good days I can see how its working for my good and preparing me for everlasting glory in the presence of a loving and caring and holy God. On not so good days, I just rest in Him. I get tired of fighting the good fight sometimes too. I love that I can take my burdens to the throne room and leave them there. He'll work it out.  I know Him as a way maker.