On Every Side

Sometimes, you don't want the truth. Sometimes, the truth is too much, not because its not good for you but because it makes you uncomfortable. Its not easy. It requires more than you're ready, willing, or even able to give.

Can I tell you that doesn't make it less the truth? It doesn't. The truth stand alone. Its not going to change because of how you feel. You're going to have to adjust your own mind to it or its going to hurt you.  The truth for me sends me down busy city streets every time I leave my house.  I don't like the city. The truth for me has my paying the highest rent of my life. The truth for me quite literally has me in a place I said I never wanted to live. Does that make it less true?

Now if I were to replace the word "truth" with the words "His Will" the previous statements still stand. His will is by its very definition the truth. The Bible says God is not a man that He should lie. It also says His word will not return void. His will is the truth. That's it. That's the game.

Can I let you in on a little secret? His will, also known as the truth, is actually what's best for you.  But when its not what you want, its not what you prayed for by name, its not the prayer you wanted answered this way, its not the order in which you wanted the answers you wanted, it didn't confirm what you wanted....and many times it hasn't been in my life, it doesn't seem like His best.

I really liked Nebraska but it took a long time for me to see it as His best.
I really like Howard but even though I could hear Him clear as day, I didn't want it immediately even though I knew it was His best.

I really liked a girl, but it took me a long time to see her as His best for me.

The thing for me, is that I actually trust Him enough that even when it doesn't look like what I thought it would look like, I believe its His best because He has never offered me anything less.

I Corinthians 9:10

Or does He speak certainly and entirely for our sakes? [Assuredly] it is written for our sakes, because the plowman ought to plow in hope, and the thresher ought to thresh in expectation of partaking of the harvest.

God doesn't need to speak to me for Himself. God speaks to me for me. He speaks because I need to hear Him. He speaks because He's set me up for relationship. He's absolutely God. He doesn't need anything from me but He wants me. I need Him. Those are very different power dynamics but they work for me. I need Him to be God. I need to know, without doubt or reservation, that He is. God is.

I have great levels of certainty in my life. When I don't allow <----the first thing I thought I was going to say but the reality is because I belong to Him, He keeps certain things out of my life. If you really knew what I was struggling with, what great faith God was requiring of me, what I'm really praying for when I go to the throne room.....you'd know. You'd know that there is no way I could be walking around with all this joy and happiness without Him. There's also no way I could be this certain, if it wasn't God. I have ridiculous faith and my faith allows me to have outrageous hope. I know what He says to me. I know He didn't cause me to be on assignment for the sake of the work. My boss use to do that....give us busy work. God has an actual plan. He doesn't need to waste or take up my time with things that won't ultimately give Him glory.

There's no way I could have known that after the night I had in Him yesterday, that this would be my first scripture of the day. Can I tell you He's always there with what I need? I don't have to go far  to find Him usually. That's a part of our relationship that's so special to me. He's my constant AND He's actually capable of being constant. I've been dealing with things that would try and steal my hope. I've been dealing with things that would have stolen my hope a year ago. I'm so humbled to see how He's grown my faith and protected my heart and mind at the same time. The thing about hope is that God wants you to have it. When I think about how He protects me, I know He wants me to have it. I also know that it drives me and that makes the devil mad. If the devil could steal my hope, he'd be undermining my trust in God. My hope for what God's spoken to me is based on the fact that I trust that God is who He says He is. I'm giving up no territory to the devil. Not on this good day and not on a bad one either!

I Corinthians 9:16

For if I [merely] preach the Gospel, that gives me no reason to boast, for I feel compelled of necessity to do it. Woe is me if I do not preach the glad tidings

I was just wrestling with an idea. I love when God's like "...and here's the scripture for that...." He's so faithful above and beyond anything I could ask or ever begin to think about deserving.
I don't by any means think I'm called to preach despite the preaching I do do on the phone with on of my good friends. I so enjoy that because he knows Him like I know Him. Its such a sweet thing to me.  Anyway...s/o to him. But I do think I'm called to write. I know I am. I'm compelled to it. It is the instrument of my witness. If you want to know how I'm working out my soul's salvation, this is it. There's a tangible record of what me and God are doing and it edifies me so much. Looking back on where He's brought me from, how He's changed my mind and my perspective, how His peace has taken up residence in me...I love writing. This blog is in some ways, a part of my relationship. Its terribly intimate but its also the actual work I'm doing. Its what me and God are doing together. I'm so grateful He gave me this medium through which I think about, meditate over, question, and walk with God.

I Corinthians 9:17

For if I do this work of my own free will, then I have my pay (my reward); but if it is not of my own will, but is done reluctantly and under compulsion, I am [still] entrusted with a [sacred] trusteeship and commission.


The note in my Bible says "reluctance still counts." That was my thought when I read it. I've done a number of things reluctantly. I've definitely been in His will reluctantly. Y'all know how I got to study at both Nebraska and Carolina. Well...I wanted Carolina bad in 2009. By 2012, I was really good with Nebraska. I didn't want anything to do with going back to North Carolina....much less going to UNC itself.
I did not want to leave Nebraska. I didn't want to leave so badly that I told my boss. His response was "you won't get a PhD from me if you don't." Well I clearly know that getting this PhD was my assignment so I got on board....reluctantly. Can I also tell you I assumed it would be easy? If you go back to She Believes, which I wrote a few days ago, you'll see that I actually had to fight to be able to go to a place I didn't want to go to get the thing God had for me. <----that is a complete thought all by itself! Fighting to go to a place you don't want to be because what God has for you is over there? Come on now.....that would preach....but I'm not called to preach so I'm going to leave that alone. Maybe I'll write about it some day.
I was reluctant to go but then God set it up so that I would have to fight to be a place I didn't want to be .  God made my going a hurdle and I had to get over my reluctance real quick if I was going to have this PhD. Sometimes, God says this is my will and its going to require you to do some things you don't want but I can use you anyway you come as long as you come. I came reluctantly. God blesses the reluctant.

I Corinthians 9:24

Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but [only] one receives the prize? So run [your race] that you may lay hold [of the prize] and make it yours.

What God has for me...it is for me. This mountain He's got me climbing...its got my name on it. What He's asking of me, He isn't asking of anyone else. God's interested in my faith. He's interested in my edification. My race is not your race. What God requires of me, He doesn't require of anyone else. I don't compare my relationship with God to anyone else's. There's no point.

God asked me to fast and pray.
God asked me to wait.
God asked me to be in this moment.
God asked me surrender.
God asked me if I trust Him.
God asked me.

Whatever He's got for me...if I'm faithful over a few things and go places He wants me to go even if it is with reluctance, is going to blow my mind.  There's a prize and sometimes I think its His smile. I want to be pleasing unto God. I want Him to smile because of me.