Last night I spent the better part of an hour and a half on he phone with my cable provider. When I got off the phone, I wasn't available. Now I don't mean that literally. I was clearly available but I couldn't have shown up right for some of the people who called me. So I didn't answer.
I love that God's not like that. No matter what happens, God is ready to receive us and not only receive us but is open to us showing up however we are. I've gone to the throne a number of different ways because no matter how I come, when I leave I won't be the same. I'll be confirmed in His image.
By the time I actually went to the throne, I'd written two posts so I could wrap my mind around something other than the frustration I felt about the TV. The redirection of God is very real for me.
He is the fountain of peace in my life. He's the place where the truth bubbles forth and quenches my thirst. His presence in my life centers me. He's my buffer. The more time I spend with Him and around Him, the less crazy affects me. Can I tell you I'm in His face often? Yup, sure am cause I love y'all but y'all are just like me: human. My own humanity gets on my nerves sometimes. You know how you want to do something the right way and you're trying to be in His will and your flesh won't let you be great? The flesh is so weak.
I heard a great sermon the other day that talked about the flesh. If we go back to the Old Testament we remember Moses coming down from having spent time with God and bringing the 10 commandments. What else did Moses bring? The plans for the tabernacle. <---provision for atonement and the blood. God knew we couldn't keep the commandments so He sent grace too but instead of taking the grace, the people stood up to the law and said that they could handle it. Can I tell you there is no way? There is NO WAY! Instead of humbling themselves and saying "I don't know" the people wanted to be haughty and prideful. So what happened? The Law was weak through the flesh, not because the law wasn't right but because the flesh wasn't able. All things have to come through the flesh.
Let me tell you what even basic decency and kindness have to come through on its way from the indwelling of the spirit to y'all through me: my ego, my childhood, my insecurities, my arrogance about my intelligence, and the image I want you to have of me. So yea....my humanity gets on my nerves sometimes. Ohhhhh but grace.
I've started including something else in my prayers that really helps break down some of that flesh.
"Let not my humanity hinder my prayers."
I Corinthians 8:2
If anyone imagines that he has come to know and understand much [of divine things, without love], he does not yet perceive and recognize and understand as strongly andclearly, nor has he become as intimately acquainted with anything as he ought or as is necessary.
I don't know.
I don't know how you're going to do it, when you're going to do, how I'm going to get out of this situation, when I'm going to feel better....
"I don't know" is such a powerful statement at the throne. I'm often saying "I don't know how." Sometimes I think God tells you what He wants for you but He doesn't tell you how. I knew I needed the PhD but I didn't know the how would be Nebraska and I'd still get UNC in the mix. I didn't know how but I knew what.
What I've found is that God is in the middle of how. How belongs to God. The way its going to work out is God. Can I tell you that God's way of fixing it is better than ours? Can I also tell you that God is actually going to get it done while we are just attempting different strategies of the same thing that's never worked before? God is in the business of changing things. He can actually change your situation or make it so that He gets the glory and you get what you need. Yup...and side bar: trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result is insanity. Don't get on that ride. Its going nowhere.
I Corinthians 8:3
But if one loves God truly [[a]with affectionate reverence, prompt obedience, and grateful recognition of His blessing], he is known by God [[b]recognized as worthy of His intimacy and love, and he is owned by Him].
Let me come right on out and say I have worth issues. I am in recovery though. How'd that happen? Well the way it always does.....Jesus. My relationship with God has shown me so much about Him and about myself. God knew we were going to fall short and that He'd have to send His son to reconcile us unto Him and He still made us?!?!?! If I was worth His only begotten son, then I'm far more valuable than I thought I was. The cross is the ultimate symbol of God's thoughts towards us but I needed a more intense view of what the cross meant. Do you? Do you need a radical new view of all God sacrificed for you to be able to approach Him boldly? I did. I still do. As I read the Old Testament and see time and time again that God was preparing a way for me through Jesus...I can't help but see myself and my worth differently.
When my worth issues were in high and rare form, I listened to the song called "I Am What You See." I needed that song. I needed God to tell me who I was. I needed Him to tell me that my own thinking was faulty. It was quite simply inaccurate. My mind needed calibration. He got a great assist from ML too because she would tell me who I was too. I listened to that song this morning...and I know who I am.
I belong to Him. I'm His beloved. He knows me. He's known me far longer than I've known myself. There are parts of me still hidden that He's working on before He shows them to me consciously. When I think about who I become in the presence of these babies my friends have had....I know there's more in there. When I look at the girl I love, I know there's more. I can't wait to see what else God has planted in me. It is my heart's truest desire to be known and know, to belong and belong to. I love you God.
I Corinthians 8:6
Yet for us there is [only] one God, the Father, Who is the Source of all things and for Whom we [have life], and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through and by Whom are all things and through and by Whom we [ourselves exist].
This sounds like a recitation we say in the AMEZion Church. Its so fun to find these scriptures that I've been saying all my life and knowing that they've been edifying me unbeknownst to me all this time.
God is the source of all things. He is the beginning and the end. He's also the middle. I sometimes think we forget that part. God's glory is in the middle. How you get to the end matters. One of my favorite gospel songs is "Well Done" and its about hearing those words from the lips of God unto His servant and the end of this life. God wants to see how closely I can cling to Him in the middle, in the tragedy, in the chaos, in the joy, in the broken places, in the storm, and definitely on the mountain top. Will He get the glory in your mountain top experience as well as for getting you out of the storm? Lord I pray I'm always careful to give you the glory and honor due your name.
And how do I get to walk with Him? Jesus. The tearing of the veil....I love that visual. Its such a beautiful line in scripture because it is the literal destruction of all impediments to the throne. The way to God is known and made known and all we have to do is walk down that path. Can I offer you can also stumble, crawl, or even drag yourself down that path....it doesn't have to be pretty to hold beauty.
I Corinthians 8:9
Only be careful that this power of choice (this permission and liberty to do as you please) which is yours, does not [somehow] become a hindrance (cause of stumbling) to the weakor overscrupulous [giving them an impulse to sin].
When I think about how I've chosen to live my life I know I've done things that aren't right. I know I've been completely out of order and that because of the relationship I have with God and the one that people think I have, I've got a responsibility not to do that.
To much is given, much is required <----that's me.
The depth of relationship I seek with Him carries more responsibility. You can't know Him like I know Him and just do whatever you want. There are standards. You know what else? There's relationship. I don't know about you but in my relationship, there are things, ideas, and behaviors that aren't acceptable. God is setting those rules. He's also made it so that in my heart, it hurts me to be in violation of His rules. It causes me pain because my greatest desire is to be in His will. My obedience to His rules help me do that. There's a place in me, where the Spirit lives, that draws me to Him like a magnet. I need Him desperately.
This thing I'm doing right now would be painful if I wasn't in right standing or at least striving to be with God. I'm never in right standing but the Blood covers me. There's a difference between being out and choosing to be out. Choice matters. I don't want to go out anywhere on my own. When I stray accidentally there's grace but if I were to walk away? That's were consequences come in. I think that's where I could become a hinderance. Apparently this thing me and Jesus are doing looks special to other people. I mean its real special to me but its also intimate. Its our thing, but He's decided to let it inspire other people. If I started to behave in ways that are contrary to my relationship, the people that are inspired might say "well Phil does it."<----that right there is what I'm talking about. I don't want anyone to ever excuse their incorrect behavior because of me. I'm constantly striving to be far from impropriety because I know. I know people are watching. I know people who don't know Him are watching and I know visibility matters. It matters how I walk this thing our in front of others.
I Corinthians 8:10
For suppose someone sees you, a man having knowledge [of God, with an intelligent view of this subject and] reclining at table in an idol’s temple, might he not be encouragedand emboldened [to violate his own conscientious scruples] if he is weak and uncertain, and eat what [to him] is for the purpose of idol worship?
Here we go! This is yet again about what you have faith for! I know my example matters. I know it does because God said who puts a light under a basket. The fact that I could be a light is so humbling but I also know its true. You know where humbled takes me.....right back to the bedside to ask for more of Him and less of me.
Alright...so the thing is, if I know you don't have faith to do the thing I'm doing, I've got a responsibility not to do it. That's the responsibility of the person with deeper faith or deeper relationship. I would also remind you that the Word says "work out your own soul's salvation with fear and trembling" but nevertheless, it is my responsibility and a reflection of Him in me, that I abstain from the things you don't have faith for in your presence. This much is required thing....yea the price for this relationship is that. It feels high but it really isn't.
I Corinthians 8:11,13
And so by your enlightenment (your knowledge of spiritual things), this weak man is ruined (is lost and perishes)—the brother for whom Christ (the Messiah) died!
Therefore, if [my eating a] food is a cause of my brother’s falling or of hindering [his spiritual advancement], I will not eat [such] flesh forever, lest I cause my brother to be tripped up and fall and to be offended.
So mature relationship with God says "This is bad for you, so I won't do it." Now that doesn't mean the thing God has permitted me to do isn't right for me. I could be in the center of His will for me. What it means is that it isn't right for you and seeing me do it gives you license to do something you don't have faith for. Thus it is my part in this to stop doing whatever I'm doing in your presence, not because I'm outside His will for me, but because I'm operating at a level of faith you don't have and it causes you distress. If you might sin because of something God has told me is cool within our relationship, its my responsibility to take care of your relationship with God in this moment and help you not to sin against your faith.
As a person who strives for mature relationship with God, I've got to watch not only for myself but for you because Jesus came for you too. You're His beloved too!
So listen....this is about to get real. Like all the way live turned up real.
The will of God is His absolute best for you. <--FACT. Put a bow in that baby, that's done. You need a reference?
Isaiah 55:9 My thoughts are higher than your thoughts
Jeremiah 29:11 I have plans to prosper you
Matthew 6:33 Seek ye first the kingdom and all things will be added unto you
Romans 8:28 All things work together for the good
The Bible says time and time again that His will is His best. I know His will for me. I know my marriage will be a same gender loving marriage. I also know that that's not something everyone believes in. Can I tell you that the will of God for you can be something that other people might not approve of?
My PhD is one of them. There are people in my life who don't approve of the way I'm using or rather not using my PhD. That doesn't negate that that was the Will of God for me. There are people who I know will have a problem with my marriage. That doesn't mean it isn't the Will of God.
The Will of God doesn't change because some people don't have faith for it or don't believe it but you still aren't supposed to hinder your brother's faith. Can I go ahead and tell you that if you're willing to follow the will of God, relying solely If their faith is seriously grieved by what you're doing what does that mean?
For me it means I've got to change my environment. I'm not going to leave God's will because you don't approve but I'm also not going to live in constant scrutiny of His will for me. If you don't believe that's fine. Some people have real issues with homosexuality and Christianity. That doesn't change my reality. t know what I heard from Him. I know this is what He has for me. Anyone who comes into my space seriously trying to sway me from His Will isn't a person I need around me.
Here's a hard truth:You might have to lose some folk.
When I came out and said that I thought God had a homosexual marriage for me, I realized I could lose some folk. I realized some people just wouldn't be in agreement with that. That doesn't change God's will but it does change whether or not they can be around what God has for me. Now that's not a flippant statement at all. I can name family members I'm going to lose over this. I want to say I'm willing to lose anything for His will but that's not true yet. I'm willing to lose a whole lot for it though. Losing loved ones is not going to change God's will for me but it will affect me. Having to walk away from people I've known and loved my whole life? That's going to affect me.
Can I offer that there's peace there even if its hard? That's always the check for me. Do I have peace in the middle of this hard situation? If the answer is yes, I'm probably in His will. Usually if I start to move forward, He'll be right there just gently and quietly "to the left....slower....more depth....wait."
It all goes back to this simple idea: His will is what's best for you.
His will is His best for me even when it takes me away from things I think I need. If I'm seeking His will, then He will provide everything I need.
I've got just enough faith to believe that if I seek after Him, it'll be better than anything I think I have or could have conceived of.
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