I'd never really considered it but faith is supposed to be visible. People should see it. When I consider how my faith in on display, I get it. I get why people say the things they say about what me and Jesus are doing. Its tangible. Its noticeable. Its a real thing.
What I'm even more struck by is what happened on my very first visit to my new church. Pastor was preaching about faith and I heard God's whisper to my heart about demonstrating my faith in His promise to me. Faith is the evidence....not just the belief.
Carpet prints on my knees after prayer <--- Evidence
I Corinthians 11:12
For as woman was made from man, even so man is also born of woman; and all [whether male or female go forth] from God
We are all manifestations of Him. I'm so thankful that I'm uniquely made for His purpose and His glorification. When I consider the marriage God's calling me to, I know it doesn't include a man. That doesn't mean there won't be men who are dear and near to me. I was speaking with a guy friend yesterday and we were talking about donors and I had to explain to him that the relationship between my family and our donor is ongoing for the better part of a decade because I want all my children to have the same biological father. He thought "Oh this guy meets your criteria" and I had to tell him its more than that. If we know him in real life, he's going to have to be special and committed to providing my family with what it needs to grow, at least biologically. I honestly hadn't realized how much thought I'd already put into it but you know....God will plant an idea in your mind well before you see it and then all the sudden...there's a whole tree!
I Corinthians 11:24
And when He had given thanks, He broke [it] and said, Take, eat. This is My body, which is broken for you. Do this to call Me [affectionately] to remembrance
This is the beginning of a set of very familiar scriptures. They tell the story of the Last Supper. I know them so well because they are an integral part of my life growing up. Every first Sunday, we celebrated Communion and there's a 3 page recitation that goes with that in the AMEZion church. Now let's talk about what this really means....
This is my body, which is broken for you.
Jesus was both fully human and fully man. His humanity was broken for us. In and on His physical body, Jesus carried the sin of the entire world. When I consider just what I've done that wasn't right in the last few days, I'm humbled. Jesus bore the sins and inequities of the entire world, then and now and to come.
That thing I feel when I do something I know is wrong? He's bore that for every person every time they felt it. My feeling it is my own guilt but Jesus bore it on the cross that I might not have to live under guilt or under a law I never could have kept. Consider that. Jesus has already paid it all. If you're repentant for what you've done, let that guilt go and do better. That gives me such peace. I don't know about you, but as my faith has grown, so has my conviction. There are now things that cause me pain to even hold in my mind for a long time. I feel like the more submitted and committed I am in my faith, the easier it gets to see not only what is sinful but what isn't expedient. I just know better sometimes and when I don't, He's right there like "Really?"
If you're not repentant, ask God to search your heart for why you aren't repentant. Pastor said an interesting thing on Sunday. He talked about who Jesus said to the 12, one of you is going to betray me. He then asked us to ask ourselves, are we betraying Him? I thought that was really powerful because communion isn't a ritual. Its an encounter with God. Its an outward symbol of inward confession, contrition, and right standing with God.
I Corinthians 11:25
Similarly when supper was ended, He took the cup also, saying, This cup is the new covenant [ratified and established] in My blood. Do this, as often as you drink [it], to call Me [affectionately] to remembrance
The blood He shed covers my sin.
It covers my sin.
It covers my sin.
It covers my sin.
It covers sin for all who believe.
I find that often I pray about the blood. Because The Blood. It was the Blood. It continues to be the Blood which speaks on my behalf and through all of eternity. As I'm writing Just for Me by Donnie McClurkin is playing on my Pandora. Its true....just for me He came and died that I might have a way to the Father. My prayers often thank God for the Blood, which washes me white as snow and permits me to stand boldly at the throne of Grace and Mercy. The Blood is my access point to God. The Blood makes a way for me.
I Corinthians 11:26
For every time you eat this bread and drink this cup, you are representing and signifyingand proclaiming the fact of the Lord’s death until He comes again
Every time.
What I really think about when I take Communion is this simple phrase.
"The Blood still works."
I Corinthians 11:27-29
So then whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in a way that is unworthy [of Him] will be guilty of [profaning and sinning against] the body and blood of the Lord.
28 Let a man [thoroughly] examine himself, and [only when he has done] so should he eat of the bread and drink of the cup.
29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discriminating and recognizing with due appreciation that [it is Christ’s] body, eats and drinks a sentence (a verdict of judgment) upon himself.
For a few months last year I didn't take communion. I believed deeply as I do now. It was a combination of things. I really needed to finish these experiments but I also wasn't ready. You know how the Bible says work out your soul's salvation with fear and trembling? Well I was. I was working on it diligently. I'd already heard from God about THE girl but I was still working out the "any girl or just that one" part of my sexuality. I was literally working on my salvation and I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure and until I got sure, I knew communion wasn't for me. I'd been taught all my life about the seriousness of Communion. (SN: Even my mother noticed and commented that I wasn't taking Communion....its serious in my family) Until I was clear, I just wasn't prepared to take the bread and the cup.
I had to examine myself and make sure that I was in right standing with God. I had to know if the feelings I have for women were of God. If they weren't, they'd have to go before I could return to Communion. That's the level of seriousness I'd been raised with around Communion and the more I understand what the Cross actually did for me, the more apropos I think that is. When I look back, I wasn't in right standing, not because of my homosexuality, but because I didn't have the faith or the confirmation from God for it. I'm not saying that's necessary for everyone, but I needed to know from Him. I need to know I'm doing the right thing when the thing is that big in my life. I do now...I've got crazy levels of confirmation of who I am and who I will be AND I believe them. That's critical. There was confirmation that I didn't believe at first and God kept coming back and saying "This is what I have for you" over and over, louder and louder, until I was sure. I love God for that. I love that He met me where I was in my faith and grew it. He continues to grow my faith. He's my greatest love and my soul's first desire. I love you God.
I Corinthians 11:32
But when we [fall short and] are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined and chastened, so that we may not [finally] be condemned [to eternal punishment along] with the world.
When I think about all the times I'm convicted...I know. I know He's protecting me. I know it doesn't always feel that way. Often, in the moment I'm like "whoa, ok." Another way to say that is "I love God but this is hard!" Do you know how much easier it would be if I could do some of the things I see other people doing? I mean honestly! I wonder what its like to not be convicted on this level but I know this level of conviction is a result of this level of connect that me and God have and I'm going to keep that!
It might not feel good but its working for my good.
I make mistakes, but I am not a mistake.
I fail, but I'm not a failure.
I am broken and I'm whole in Christ.
Thanks for the correction...its good for me.
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