This morning I listened to I Am What You See....
I love this song...it got me through some dark days but today I listened to it because sometimes we need a reminder of who we are even if we know. Sometimes its just nice to remind myself of who God says I am despite what my family says I am.
I am a fundamentally different person. I'm an individual. My individuality isn't something that is loved by all. I'll say this....
I fought too hard to become who I am to let anyone who doesn't love me unconditionally influence who I am.
What I love about God is that He does love me unconditionally. He is perpetually demonstrating that. I can trust Him. Whatever He's requiring of me is for my good. Whatever He gives me is His best for me. What He takes from me I don't need because He will supply all I actually need. When I have to wait on Him, it builds my faith. I haven't always been able to see that but the more I know Him, the clearer that has become in my life. Last night I was on the phone with JT and I told him you know I burst into tears on the field at Hampton because when I graduated I was finally free. I knew I was moving far far away and many of the issues I had were going away.
I weeped because I was free.
My freedom is precious to me. I paid for it dearly with my self esteem, my self image, my self respect, and my dignity. I'm keeping it and I'll fight you for it.
II Corinthians 4:1
Therefore, since we do hold and engage in this ministry by the mercy of God [granting us favor, benefits, opportunities, and especially salvation], we do not get discouraged (spiritless and despondent with fear) or become faint with weariness and exhaustion.
So I'm not generally weary in my writing. Writing is my ministry at this time. I actually really enjoy it. I come here and fix my spirit so I can face the day with some level of dignity and respect for the gift of the present. I realize this is a particularly academic type of exercise for devotional and that in and of itself is a blessing. Have you ever looked around and realized that God ministers to you in the way you need Him to? He does that with me. I need to think. I need cerebral involvement in my faith. He constantly does things that blow my mind but writing is about recalling who God is to the forefront of my consciousness on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for the ability to think, much less write coherently. I can't imagine how different my growth in Him would have been without this ability. I need to be more grateful for the ability to write...especially since I use it on and off line every day!
II Corinthians 4:2
We have renounced disgraceful ways (secret thoughts, feelings, desires and underhandedness, the methods and arts that men hide through shame); we refuse to deal craftily (to practice trickery and cunning) or to adulterate or handle dishonestly the Word of God, but we state the truth openly (clearly and candidly). And so we commend ourselves in the sight and presence of God to every man’s conscience.
The Word is clean.
Its true.
I'm not real sure how you could dishonestly handle the Word nowadays but during chattel slavery in the South, White slave masters did just this. They lied to the slaves about what the Bible said and then claimed that they were only following their religion which beat, killed, raped, and brutalized my ancestors. Just 150 years ago, my religion, that on which I lean and find refuge and hope and love in, was used in this manner. The God I know of love and charity, was lied on by White slave owners. I hope God had mercy on them for their misuse of His Word but since He is the Word and they lied on Him.....I don't know....
And now that I think about it the Word is mishandled all the time now. The Christian right uses it in ways that make no sense. The Charleston Massacre wasn't an attack on religious freedom....it was an attack on Black people. The terrorist said so himself. This isn't about Jesus, its about Black skin. Your logic won't hold. The Christian right also mishandles the Word when they use it to judge and condemn those who aren't like them. When I think about the ways in which my fellow SGL folks have been made to feel bad about themselves and the way they love by people claiming to represent the Source of Love? Nope. I refuse to swallow that foolishness because I know Him for myself.
When I think about how I talk about God and who He is for me, in me, and through me, I pray that I'm being as candid as possible. I endeavor to tell the truth all the time. Sometimes I think I tell too much of it because it hurts me but I know when I got back to the refuge of my relationship, I'll have been upright. I wonder what would happen if more people told the complete truth? I know I get in trouble for it and sometimes I get crushed by other people for my truth but I'm playing the long game and that is to hear "Well Done."
II Corinthians 4:7
However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.
Listen...the flesh is weak. I'm so unable. I'm not worthy or good or decent or kind or loving or dependable or any of that. I know me. Me isn't awesome sauce. The Spirit makes me new and makes me the kind of person anyone wants to be around. When I think about the truth of the Gospel and what it means I know I have to share it. I know my life has to reflect this relationship and when I've let it...truly let it things that have blown my mind have happened. People ave cried at the confocal talking to me about missing their Dad who died many years ago when they are virtually a stranger. My best friend in grad school got saved, baptized, and married to Christian. A girl I barely knew called me when both her parents died. There is no way these things happened because of me but because of what lives in me. I've been able to effectively speak into lives through diversity work...the things I've been able to do because I let Him increase and me decrease are incredible. It's always God....God is.
Even through someone like me, God is.
II Corinthians 4:9
We are pursued (persecuted and hard driven), but not deserted [to stand alone]; we are struck down to the ground, but never struck out and destroyed;
Come on BIBLE!!!!! Paul was literally pursued in his day. Even today Christianity isn't a cake walk. That's one of the thing I think is often confusing about being a Christian. I use to be confused about it myself. If I believe, where's my easy life? Ummmm yea no.
So there's this thing called the Argument of Theodicy. Its basic questions are as follows:
If God is willing to prevent evil and doesn't, how can we believe God is good?
If God is willing to prevent evil but doesn't possess the ability to, how can He be all powerful?
If God isn't good and all powerful, is He God?
What I'd like to offer is that God is good and capable and willing, but what He does is based on what's best for you not what you THINK is best for you. That's a hard truth. The idea that something you can't see as less than His best is in fact less and He won't have it?!?!? Its a rough concept that the thing that's best for me isn't the thing I think is best for me. Especially if you've worked it all out in your head? Girl....I've been there. God was like "naw girl, that ain't the way that's going to work." Now could He have done what I asked? Yes.
Did He? No
Why? It wasn't His best for me.
I've come to a place where there's enough evidence that the things He didn't allow wouldn't have been good for me, that I trust Him when He says no. If He's saying no its for a reason. Also...if He's says yes, its for a reason. Even when I don't want to do something, there's purpose behind it and I'm willing. Also...even in the most devastating of situations...He's with me. I've had to learn to rest in His presence until the storm is over. His presence is enough for me now. It wasn't always but I'm so glad it is now.
II Corinthians 4:11-12
For we who live are constantly [experiencing] being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake, that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be evidenced through our flesh which is liable to death.
Thus death is actively at work in us, but [it is in order that our] life [may be actively at work] in you
For a second, I'd like to talk about the idea of being handed over to death for Jesus sake. This phrasing reminds me of the ways in which I have to let the things that are of the flesh go and the things that are of God stay. Jesus simply shed His flesh on the cross. He rose again as the Son of God. That has to be a part of my life as well. The more I've let go of in the flesh, the clearer my conversations with God have been. More than that, I can hear Him more clearly. I'm more open to the Spirit the farther away from the flesh I get. Its hard....but its been so worth it especially when I really was without direction and I needed instruction on each and every step to take. I still need that kind of instruction sometimes.
He's faithful.
Be ye not deceived by what a life looks like on the outside. You never know what a person is walking through or dealing with. You also never know what joy they have either. My life looks pretty boring. I watch children, I write, scrapbook, I go to church, I go to the grocery store, and I watch mountains of TV.
I LOVE MY LIFE! God is doing some amazing stuff in my season of boring.
One day the fruits of this time spend devoted to His Word and mediation on it will be ripe and ready to eat. I love that what I sow into myself and into my faith, will bring forth a harvest that I might not have room enough to receive it. That's who my God is. He's about abundance and plenty.
II Corinthians 4:13
Yet we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, I have believed, and therefore have I spoken. We too believe, and therefore we speak,
If you ever wonder why I am the way I am...its right here. I'm bold about the things I know from God because the same Spirit that is God lives in me. When the Spirit in me and the Bible, which is God, agree that's the game. I believe, therefore I speak.
Its not magical. Its just me and God doing our thing. What's different about me and God now is that I can not only hear Him better but I trust Him more. Can I tell you the more I've trusted Him, the more He's proven that He's trustworthy? He has.
II Corinthians 4:17
For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!]
So I'm currently listening to a song about how Nothing else matters...hears the chorus.
Nothing else matters
But seeking you Jesus
Seeking the master
The one reigns over my life
Nothing else matters
But seeking you Jesus
Just to sit at Your feet
hear Your voice clearly speak
lifts me out of defeat
for in You I'm complete
reminds me
Nothing else
Nothing else matters
When I think about the things I've carried, the weights I've been under, the yoke of my life I can tell you that I don't always feel like its a might momentary affliction. I know many wouldn't say it is. Seasons pass but they don't always feel like they will. I've wanted to check out a season before because I couldn't see my way out of it but the nature of seasons is that they come and go. That's a fact. This brings me back to feelings and feet. My feelings can't control my feet because if they did, this blog wouldn't exist and neither would I. When I was going through, God was working on my behalf in ways I couldn't see. Part of my testimony, that I don't often share, is that I'm still here.
The scripture is being written by a man whose life was good before Jesus and now he is constantly persecuted for his faith. He's in and out of jail...constantly living under the threat of death. This is a man who knows adversity but he's say that his burden is light! I've got faith like that on good days. On good days I can see how its working for my good and preparing me for everlasting glory in the presence of a loving and caring and holy God. On not so good days, I just rest in Him. I get tired of fighting the good fight sometimes too. I love that I can take my burdens to the throne room and leave them there. He'll work it out. I know Him as a way maker.
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